6 The Dearly Departed

…And finally, when Maya and I are married, our reception will be held at your gravesite and our first dance shall be on your grave!

Edgeworth amused himself by continuing to contemplate all the evil and twisted things he could do to get back at his spiky-headed rival. He looked on at the blue-clad defense attorney, who was still standing and talking to Gumshoe. The two men were laughing as Phoenix cracked some sort of joke. The fuming prosecutor was so caught up in his dark thoughts that he missed someone shouting his name.

“Miles Edgeworth!” Franziska cried angrily at her adopted brother. Upon receiving no response, the blue-haired woman gritted her teeth and grabbed her ever-present whip from its holster, launching a strike straight at the magenta-clad man’s forehead.

“YEOWCH!” Edgeworth cried out as the leather of the whip struck. He instinctively brought a hand to his to rub the spot where the weapon had now undoubtedly left a red mark on his forehead. “Franziska, what on earth was that for!?”

“Humph!” Franziska huffed as she replaced her whip into its holster, and then crossed her arms across her chest, squeezing her bicep. “That was to get your attention, Little Brother! I refuse to allow one such as yourself, who is associated with the von Karmas, to be seen in such an establishment with a dirty, disgusting cravat that looks as if it has been used as a napkin! Either remove that ruined garment or go clean it in the restroom!”

“I have already said that I will not – OW!” Edgeworth cried out as another lash with the whip struck his cheek. “Fine! I’m going!” He turned his attention back to the spirit medium. “Maya, please excuse me for a moment while I attempt to remedy this.”

“It’s alright, Miles. Nick and I will be right here when you get back.” Maya replied, flashing a beautiful smile at the man.

Edgeworth turned and began to make his way toward the restroom. Yes, I am quite sure Wright will still be there when I return. That is precisely what I am afraid of!

He entered the men’s room of the restaurant and was relieved to see that he was alone. He quickly removed his cravat as he made his way to the sink and turned on the faucet to run completely hot water, knowing full well that only water hotter than Hades himself would have any hope of restoring the snowy white garment to its former glory. As soon as the water was near scalding, he grabbed a few sheets of paper towel and put soap on them before going to work and scrubbing at the cravat with every last ounce of strength he could muster.

However, it was to no avail.

It became clear within minutes that the fluttering white neck adornment was past the point of no return.

He sighed sadly to himself. I was a fool to think I could save it. Bright red ketchup on a pure white piece of fabric? Any person knows that this means certain doom.

Edgeworth laid the dearly departed cravat on the counter and pulled out his cell phone, sending a message to Geoffrey: Prepare the incinerator upon my return. We’ve lost this one.

It took only a moment before his phone vibrated, signaling a text from his manservant: Shall I also prepare my bagpipes for a proper ceremony, sir?

Edgeworth quickly typed out a reply of yes before pocketing the device and turning his attention back to the soiled garment on the counter. He picked it up and made his way to the blow dryer on the wall. Pressing the button, he held his beloved cravat under the flow of the warm air to dry it. Once satisfied with it, he placed the adornment on the counter again and began folding it into a perfect triangle, much like one would fold the American flag.

Good night sweet prince. He thought mournfully. Worry not, for I shall avenge you!

Pocketing the folded cravat, Edgeworth exited the restroom and made his way back to his table. What he saw made a fire ignite within the deepest pit of his stomach.

Phoenix and Maya were not only sitting next to each other but also cozily sharing the defense attorney’s seafood platter while laughing merrily!

Luckily, it would seem as though Franziska and Gumshoe have returned to their table. He absent-mindedly rubbed his cheek. I may have grown up with the Wild Mare’s abuse, but being struck with a whip is something to which one does not, nor ever should, grow accustomed!

As Maya broke apart a crab leg to get at the juicy meat inside, she happened to notice that the prosecutor had returned to from the facilities and waved at him.

“Oh, Miles, you’re back! Don’t worry, we didn’t touch your food!”

“Of course we didn’t. Why would we want to eat snails?” Phoenix guffawed. Just the mere sound of his rival’s laughter filled Edgeworth with rage as he took his seat at the table.

“Yes, well I suppose escargot is a bit of an acquired taste,” Edgeworth replied through nearly gritted teeth.

Maya stopped stuffing her face for a moment to examine the prosecutor and treated him to a soft, serene smile. “Wow, Miles, you actually look really good without the cravat. It’s a nice change of pace.”

“Humph! Please! I feel positively naked without it.” Edgeworth placed a hand where normally his fluttering neck adornment would be. “I feel as though I’ve lost a piece of myself.”

“Oh, would you stop it, Miles? You look great! Or should I say…” Maya seemed to wrack her brain for a moment, searching for the right word. “Fetching, was it?”

Edgeworth could feel his face grow warm as a slight blush crept upon his cheeks. He was usually not so bashful, but being called fetching by such a ravishing young beauty stirred something within him.

However, Phoenix took notice of his now reddened face and did not allow this chance to slip.

“Whoa! Are you feeling all right there, Edgeworth? Your face just about matches your suit!”

This comment snapped Edgeworth back to reality as he gave his head a slight shake.

“I – I’m fine.” He stammered out, picking up his fork. “Now, why don’t we all enjoy our meal? Maya, I see you finished your sliders. I take it they were to your liking?”

“Oh, yeah they were awesomesauce! However, I definitely could have eaten more – I just knew this would be one of those places with tiny portions!”

How you were able to pile those burgers, on top of all that candy and popcorn you consumed already, absolutely baffles me! And now you have moved on to seafood!? It’s becoming quite clear why Wright can scarcely afford to pay for his own food!

As Edgeworth picked up his silverware to return to his meal, trying to forget the loss of his cravat, just out of the corner of his eye, he caught a glimpse of something that made his heart very nearly give out.

Maya reached for a glass of wine, filled it nearly halfway, and began drinking it!

Edgeworth’s silverware fell back to the table in shock.

“Maya! What in God’s name do you think you’re doing!?”

“Hmm?” Maya stared at the man quizzically. “I’m just enjoying a nice glass of wine with my food. Is something wrong?” She seemed completely oblivious as she took another sip.

Edgeworth quickly glanced around the restaurant before replying in a hushed tone.

“Yes, something is very wrong! You’re underage! You should not be drinking that!”

“C’mon, lighten up, Edgeworth!” Phoenix suddenly butted into the conversation as he began prying open an oyster. “It’s just one glass.”

Edgeworth reeled back and regarded the man with disgust. “Wright, you of all people should know very well that this has nothing to do with the amount of alcohol, but the legality of her consumption of it! I can’t believe you would even allow this!”

“Hey, calm down!” Phoenix replied defensively. “Look, the waiter brought three glasses and she poured herself one when I wasn’t paying attention. I figure at this point, it’s best to just let her finish it rather than make a scene and draw attention to it.”

At this point, the magenta-clad man was fuming.

“Wright, I had you pegged for a buffoon, but this is beyond even my wildest imagination! You are aware that if this were to get out, we could both very well lose our badges, correct!?”

“Which is why I said we shouldn’t make a scene!” Phoenix cried back in a hushed toned. “Look, I don’t like this any more than you do, but as long we just make it this one glass and don’t let the knowledge of this leave this table, we’ll be fine.”

“Oh yes, I’m certain we’ll be perfectly alright,” Edgeworth replied sarcastically, his rage readily apparent. “Are you forgetting that just before I left, we were speaking to not only a prosecutor but a detective!? If those two return, we could very easily be arrested for providing alcohol to a minor!”

Phoenix opened his mouth to reply but was cut off by Maya.

“He’s right, Nick.” The two men cast their gaze back to the girl in question, who had a saddened look on her face. She pushed the glass of wine over to the prosecutor. “I’m sorry, Miles. I should have known better. I don’t wanna get you or Nick in trouble.”

Glancing first at the glass of wine then at Maya, Edgeworth couldn’t help but feel a pang of guilt as he saw the saddened look on her face. The glass was nearly empty at this point, holding only a few more sips. He sighed to himself. I’m becoming too soft.

“Er, Maya… Considering how little is left in your glass… I see no harm in allowing you to finish it.”

Maya shook her head. “No, it’s fine, Mr. Edgeworth. I don’t wanna get you in trouble.”

Maya returning to calling him Mr. Edgeworth cut fairly deep. He’d grown rather fond of their using first names with each other that evening. Being pushed back to Mr. Edgeworth felt rather like a steel-toed, boot to the head!

He picked up the glass and handed it back to her.

“Please. I insist. I don’t wish to be a damper on the mood of the evening. I’m certain this one glass couldn’t hurt.”

Maya looked into the man’s eyes to assess the sincerity in them.

“A-are you sure? Won’t you guys get in trouble?”

“Hey, I tried to keep quiet about it from the get-go, Maya,” Phoenix said pointedly. “So long as no one important sees you drinking it, we’ll be OK.”

“Indeed,” Edgeworth replied, for once actually agreeing with his rival that evening. “And besides, I ordered a full bottle. I’m driving tonight, and I doubt Wright could drink it all on his own. Far be it from me to let good wine go to waste.”

The young woman looked at both men for a moment before flashing a gleaming smile.

“OK, if you’re sure! Thanks, Miles!” She quickly snatched up the glass and returned to eating and enjoying her wine.

Phoenix, not about to let this slide, looked at the prosecutor and plastered on a shit-eating grin.

“Awe! You’re just a big softy, aren’t you, Edgeworth?”

“Can it, Wright!” He scowled at the blue attorney. “As much I hate to admit it, you are right. She’s very nearly emptied her glass and surely, she can handle one. But we must be certain that no one ever hears about this.”

“You don’t have to tell me twice. I’m too pretty for jail!” Phoenix exclaimed.

His comment earned an annoyed groan from his frenemy.

Just deal with it, Edgeworth. The prosecutor told himself. Get through this dinner and get Maya home. That’s all I need to do. Suffering Wright has been a chore in itself tonight, so what’s another half hour?

However, much like everything else that evening, that expected half an hour was much more than Edgeworth could have expected. Maya’s one glass of wine quickly became two as the young medium sweet-talked the two lawyers into another.

Either I’m becoming soft, or this woman is a  master manipulator! The fact that I allowed her to drink one glass is bad enough, but I have now allowed a  teenager to con me into allowing her to drink two glasses of fine wine!

“Maya, are you feeling alright?” Edgeworth anxiously asked the now flushed young woman. “I don’t mean to sound like a proverbial party pooper, but this is rather heady wine. I simply worry that it may be too strong for you.”

Maya turned to face the prosecutor, looking him in the eye … Or rather, what she believed to be his eye. She appeared to be looking slightly to the left of his gaze.

“I’m fiiiiiine, Miles. Don’t be such a worry *hic* wort.”

Oh, Lord! Edgeworth thought as he brought a hand to his face in mortification. I’ve now got a drunken teenager on my hands in one of the most upscale restaurants in the city!

He glowered at Phoenix, who was sipping a glass of wine himself. The spiky-haired man rather seemed to be enjoying seeing Maya in her drunken state! This caused the slate-haired man to scowl in his rival’s general direction.

If I didn’t know any better, I would say that Wright had this planned from the start! God knows he has taken every opportunity he can to make me look a fool of me in front of Maya tonight! Why not up to the ante and portray me as an incompetent prosecutor who provides alcohol to minors, to the entire city!?

Phoenix finally took notice of the prosecutor trying to glare holes into him and smirked.

“Hey, forget Maya for a second, Edgeworth. You’re looking kinda red in the face, yourself! Again!”

Oh, I’m certain that I  am!

“Yes, well, I suppose it’s starting to feel a bit warm in here. Perhaps it would be good to –” Before Edgeworth could finish his sentence, the waiter returned to the table.

“Hello, Mr. Edgeworth. I simply wished to check and make sure that everything was to your liking?” Maurice queried graciously.

“Oh, hello again, Maurice. Yes, everything was delicious. Thank you very much.” Edgeworth replied to the server as he turned his attention away from his spiky-haired rival.

“That is good to hear, sir. Moreover, I see that you managed to finish your seafood platter as well. I trust you will not require a, er, doggy bag?”

A slight jolt of indignant pain went through Edgeworth’s head at the mention of a doggy bag.

“Indeed,” he replied calmly to the waiter. “I believe we are ready for the check.” He added, wanting to hurry things along and get out of the restaurant, posthaste!

“Ah, yes. Give me just a – ”

“Hold it!” A loud voice suddenly cried.

The volume of the familiar courtroom bellow very nearly made both Edgeworth and Phoenix jump clean out of their skin! The prosecutor turned in his seat to look in the direction it had come from and found himself staring at Maya, who was pointing a shaky finger at the waiter in a matter, not at all dissimilar to both attorneys’ famous legal pose.

“Er, was there something you wanted, Miss? Please don’t hesitate to ask.” Maurice spoke politely, although shaken from her rowdy shout.

Oh, Lord! I have a bad feeling about this. Edgeworth thought to himself.

“Yeah, YEAH! There was *hic* was something I wanted. Dessert!” The drunken spirit medium managed to slur out. “What kinda dessert you got here?”

More  food!? I’ve heard claims of a person’s stomach being a bottomless pit, but in all my years, I have never seen better evidence for it than this girl, right here!

“Oh, our dessert menu hosts a great variety of cakes and other such delicacies. Would you like to take a look at it for yourself?”

“Yes please!” Maya exclaimed before hiccupping again.

“Very well, Miss. I shall be back shortly.” With that, Maurice turned away and left to bring back a dessert menu.

“Maya,” Edgeworth began as he faced the young woman. “Are you absolutely certain that you want dessert? I can only imagine piling more sugar on top of popcorn, burgers, seafood, and wine will make for quite the bomb to your stomach in the morning.”

“Oh, pfffffft! That’ll be nothing, Miles. I’ve got iron stomachs!” Maya proudly announced.

“I gotta agree with her, Edgeworth.” Phoenix offered, suddenly reminding the prosecutor of his presence. “This girl could eat half of the stuff in this place’s kitchen and tomorrow she’d still be begging for me to take her out for burgers. She swears up and down that she has several stomachs.”

At this point, I very much wouldn’t doubt it! I thought that walking land-whale at the theatre had a lot of food, but now I see that feeding her would be several times cheaper than this woman, who has undoubtedly eaten enough food, tonight alone, to feed a  small country!

Edgeworth’s thoughts were interrupted as Maurice reappeared, handing a menu to Maya. “Here you are, Miss. Please take a moment to look it over and let me know what you would like.”

Maya quickly snatched the menu out of the server’s hand, very nearly pulling his arm out of its socket as she began to browse the desserts.

“Oh, I’ve always wondered what tiramisu is like!”

“To answer your question, it is a type of coffee cake, layered with a mixture of eggs, sugar, and mascarpone cheese then flavored with cocoa,” Edgeworth clarified. Then, entirely out of reflex, added, “and actually, Maya, it is pronounced terra-me-soo, not tee-ra-mah-su.”

“Whoa, thanks for correcting me there, ya grammar Nazi!” Maya loudly cackled, smirking as Edgeworth blushed furiously at being compared to a World War II German soldier! The tipsy teen looked back to the waiter. “I’ll have the tiramisu.” She announced, still mispronouncing the Italian dessert, nevertheless.

As this all took place, Phoenix observed all this from his seat while snickering to himself as the prosecutor’s face seemed to change 50 Shades of Red from absolute embarrassment!

Edgeworth looked up towards the heavens.

If there is a God, may He please strike me down now!