120 Countless Ways To Be Murdered
CT: When it comes to Dahlia, I’ve always felt like she gives off a different vibe compared to the other manipulators in the series in that while she enjoys the feeling of bending someone to her will before eventually betraying them and leaving them a broken mess or corpse, it wouldn’t be her first choice if the situation allowed for it. After all, Dahlia wanted to brutally kill Diego and Phoenix as soon as she could with as little trickery as needed; whereas Kristoph and Manfred were more than willing to play the long game if it meant being able to hide in the shadows.
So when Dahlia was channeled and had free reign to kill Maya without consequence, I can imagine her being like a kid in a candy store and trying to have fun with her vengeance since she could finally let loose and be the cold, sadistic monster that she is without putting on any “Dolly doesn’t poop” airs.JP: CT’s analysis of Dahlia Hawthorne’s character in “Countless Ways to be Murdered” offers a compelling perspective. Unlike other villains, Dahlia’s penchant for direct violence sets her apart, adding a chilling depth to her portrayal. CT’s interpretation illuminates Dahlia’s unrestrained malevolence, making her a formidable foe in Maya’s journey. As always, we’re grateful to CT for sharing their insights and contributing to the richness of our fanfiction universe.
“Countless Ways to be Murdered”
Sung to the tune of
“A Million Gruesome Ways to Die”
From “Billie Bust Up”
To say that Hazakura Temple’s Inner Temple was creepy would be an understatement- the place was small, damp, dark, lacked any heat whatsoever, and looked like it was on the verge of collapsing. In short, it was the kind of place that one would imagine Gumshoe calling home after all of the pay cuts that he took over the years. As for the sacred cavern, the area that the Inner Temple was built around, it was literally a cave that was only slightly bigger than the bathroom at the Law Firm that was attached to the building via a surprisingly long, narrow, dilapidated corridor that was lined with scrolls of Maya’s ancestors, the previous Masters of Kurain, which only served to worsen the feelings of inferiority that she felt ever since her aunt’s arrest.
Even before Turner Grey’s murder, Maya knew that beneath her aunt’s formal, polite façade lurked a cold, bitter darkness. Morgan would rarely give a genuine smile and would never laugh, with Pearl being the only person she’d show a glimpse of warmth toward while being quick to throw snide remarks and petty criticisms at anyone who wasn’t Pearl- especially Mia and Maya. With Mia always being so hot-headed and headstrong and Morgan not being one to suffer insubordination from anyone, let alone the eldest daughter of the sister that she despised with a burning passion, it was no surprise that the former’s private training sessions with the latter often devolved into heated arguments that ended with a hard backhand slap from the elder Fey, as seen by the bruised cheek Mia would be sporting at dinner. Whenever Maya inquired about her sister’s injuries, Mia would laugh it off and say that she simply wasn’t watching where she was going and ran into a door. But despite Mia’s best efforts to smile during her toughest times, the thin walls of Fey Manor did little to hide her muffled sobs in the middle of the night from Maya, who herself struggled to sleep in the room next door.
While Morgan protested the idea of Mia leaving the village to become an attorney up until the moment the latter got on the bus to L.A., when the deed was done and the ex-heir to the Kurain Channeling Technique was gone, the former couldn’t help but spend the rest of the day smiling and even singing to herself. At first, Maya thought that despite her aunt’s cold, reserved nature, she was actually happy for Mia for taking the initiative to follow her dreams, but after Grey’s murder, the burger-loving medium realized that her aunt’s glee came from the fact that the biggest threat to her plans was more or less gone, leaving only a young, kind-hearted girl with middling spiritual powers who just wanted to make her clan proud.
While Maya was bubbly, fun-loving, and mischievous, three traits that irritated Morgan to no end, she wasn’t nearly as fiery as Mia, meaning that she enjoyed a slightly more positive relationship with her aunt and never got to experience the infamous Fey Slap firsthand- although there were plenty of times that Maya toed the line when it came to watching cartoons, which Morgan strictly forbid. However, while Maya never experienced the sting of Morgan’s slap, she wasn’t able to avoid her aunt’s harsh criticisms and insults, which she had a seemingly endless supply of. At least once a day, Morgan would voice her disappointment to Maya, telling the young girl that her lack of spiritual powers was an insult to the main family; that one day, the village would see her for the fraud that she was, strip her of her birthright, and give it to Pearl, who was so much better than her in every way. Though sometimes, if Maya was lucky, Morgan would skip the insults and just go straight into a tangent about how perfect Pearl was.
And Morgan was 100% right. Despite spending her entire life training to be the best spirit medium she could be, Maya was being outclassed by a child half her age who was also capable of sprinting from Kurain to L.A. without breaking a sweat, slapping Phoenix unconscious, and charging a magatama with spiritual energy.
And what did Maya bring to the table? She lacked the raw spiritual powers of Ami and Pearl, the wisdom of Hi’kari, Ami’s younger daughter and successor who documented the nature of the Fey Clan’s powers, and the indomitable spirit of her grandmother, Tiana Fey, who inherited the role of Master when she was only eight and held the position without opposition up until her untimely death due to sickness at the age of 46. Sure, Maya memorized every scene from Steel Samurai, Pink Princess, and Nickel Samurai and could eat anyone under the table, but those weren’t the qualities of a respectable master- especially since she was effectively forced into the title. After all, it wasn’t like Maya could go into the middle of Kurain, and tell everyone ‘Hey, you know Pearly, whose mom got arrested after trying to frame me for murder? Well, I decided that I no longer want my birthright and that it’d be best to saddle all that responsibility on my poor nine-year-old cousin who currently has no one but me.’, flash them a peace sign, and be back at the office in time to make Phoenix buy her several burgers.
That’s why even though her training course was postponed until Iris could come to the Inner Temple and sub in for Bikini while the older nun nursed her ailing back with a warm bath, Maya was taking advantage of her time in the spiritually charged recess of the Sacred Cavern to meditate as hard as she could. In fact, Maya was so focused on meditating that she didn’t hear Iris enter the cavern until the nun made her presence known.
“Hello, Mystic Maya. How are you feeling? I do hope the cold isn’t too unpleasant for you.”
“While I’d rather be curled up under a blanket, watching a Steel Samurai episode, and enjoying a nice, warm cup of cocoa, this is something that I need to do.”
“Good to hear.” Iris warmly replied, closing her eyes and cocking her head to the side as she flashed the spirit medium an angelic smile. “So I take it that you’re ready to begin?”
“Yeah, bring on that ice! ” Maya proclaimed with a determined look, but despite her best efforts, she was unable to hide her nervousness thanks to her trembling fists. “Hey, what’s wrong?” The spirit medium asked, her expression morphing to one of concern as Iris started sobbing.
“I-I’m sorry, Mystic Maya…” Iris sniffled, doing everything in her power to contain the tears forming in her eyes. “I’m so sorry, but due to my inexperience, we’re unable to go through with the Special Course. I know you’re disappointed and hate me, and I don’t blame you. Ever since I could remember, all I’ve ever done was fail those foolish enough to trust me with anything! Stupid Iris! Stupid! Stupid! STUPID!!!”
“Hey now, Sister Iris. Don’t be so hard on yourself.” Maya stated in a reassuring tone as she got up off of the ground, walked over to the nun, and patted her on the shoulder. “Take it from me. I’m set to become the master of our clan, yet after 19 years of training, I’ve only ever been able to channel a single spirit.”
“Easy for you to say!” Iris snapped in a whimpering tone, tears streaming down her cheeks as she covered her eyes with her hands. “You’re a spirit medium and the sole living heir to the position of Master. Even if you fail, you’ll always have people in your corner cheering you on- whether out of love for your potential power or fear that they’ll end up with nothing. Meanwhile, I’m just some dumb nun at a rundown temple in the middle of nowhere with all the spiritual power of marshmallows! I-If I can’t even do something simple as lead someone important like you through the Special Course, then what’s stopping Sister Bikini from replacing a worthless hag like me with someone smarter and more beautiful, someone with hair as red as fire and a fashionable sundress that doesn’t make her look as flat as a board?”
“I may not know Sister Bikini all that well, but from what I’ve seen, she’d never abandon you at the drop of a hat. Sure, you may be inexperienced, but what’s important is that you’re trying your best to grow and better yourself. That’s why I’m taking this course. I know that Nick and Pearly will always support me no matter how powerful my spiritual abilities become, but I want to improve myself so that I can be as proud of myself as they are.”
“T-Thank you, Maya…” Iris sniffled, using her sleeve to wipe the tears from her eyes. “While I can’t guide you through the Special Course, I can still take you through the Butterfly Course.”
“What’s the Butterfly Course? Does it involve ice?”
“Not at all. You see, while the Butterfly Course doesn’t increase your spiritual powers as much as the Special Course does, it’ll noticeably improve them despite how little time it takes to complete.”
“Sure. What do I have to lose?”
“Great!” Iris chirped. “First, I need you to hug me and keep doing so until I tell you to stop. I know that this sounds weird, but it’s for your own good. You see, by hugging someone, the spirit medium is better able to contain her power when it spikes during the course.”
“Ok.” Maya nodded as she wrapped her arms around Iris. “Like this?”
“Perfect. Now close your eyes and focus on your spiritual center. Let the world around you melt away as your physical body becomes one with your very soul.”
With another nod, Maya proceeded to shut her eyes and take slow, deep breaths, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t meditate at this moment to save her life- not because she didn’t want to, but rather, as she focused her spiritual power, she was distracted by a feeling that something was… off.
Maya couldn’t exactly put her finger on it, but she was suddenly getting a strange vibe from Iris as if her very being was composed of two different souls. As the medium thought about it, she realized that she felt something similar when she hugged Mia while she was being channeled by Pearl, but why would that be the case here? Unless Iris somehow died sometime in the last hour, it would be impossible for her to be channeled. And even then, who would be channeling her? But arguably the biggest question that was causing Maya to be overwhelmed with a chilling dread was why the more dominant presence, the soul that was being channeled, had such a sinister aura- the color being akin to tar mixing with dried blood- and why it was harshly conflicting with the weaker one, the soul belonging to the body being used for the channeling, which had a benevolent energy. It was as if the person being channeled wanted to…!
Maya had to get whoever the hell was hugging her away from her NOW!
With a swift push, Maya was able to put some distance between herself and the woman that she thought was Iris, who was brandishing a knife in her hand and wearing a sinister grin, before turning around and rushing out of the Sacred Cavern as fast as she could. Though unfortunately for the burger-loving medium, despite her best efforts, the deranged woman posing as Iris was catching up to her.
“Why are you running, Maya? Don’t you want to spend a little quality time with your long-lost cousin Dahlia before I reunite you with your meddlesome skank of a sister?” Dahlia called out in a mocking tone as her maniacal laughter, which was as cutesy as it was creepy, filled the air. “Well, if you’re worried about dying, as someone who has firsthand experience in that subject, I can tell you that it’s not as bad as you think- IT’S MUCH WORSE!!! Don’t believe me? Oh, spirits from beyond the grave, why don’t we take advantage of this place’s rich spiritual energy to teach Mademoiselle Fey here how there are countless ways to be murdered..!”
With that singsong call-to-arms, numerous ghosts materialized throughout the dim corridor that Maya was running through, prompting her to scream out in terror as Dahlia proceeded to start singing.
{Dahlia}
Don’t think that you can run from me,
You foolish, naïve brat!
I’m way out of your league,
And will crush you like a gnat!
I’ll end your dreams with my knife’s gleam..!
{Ghosts}
You’ll join our ranks with one last scream!
{Dahlia}
It’s only a matter of time before you go kersplat!
There are countless ways to be murdered!
{Ghosts}
Fear on your face!
{Dahlia}
I’ll enjoy ending your life with brutal grace!
{Ghosts}
You’ll be the center of a case!
{Dahlia}
There are countless ways to be murdered!
{Ghosts}
You won’t endure!
{Dahlia}
And with your death, I’ll put your sister in her place!
{Magnus McGilded}
Burning in an omnibus is just a hot mess,
{Russel Berry}
And being conked by Max’s bust is a fate to detest.
{Glen Elg}
Someone could poison your coffee,
{John Wilson}
Or water in the case of me,
{Asa Shinn}
Or slipped into your drink by a barbaric nation’s press.
{Ghosts}
There are countless ways to be murdered!
{Jack Hammer}
How about impaled on top a fence?
{Ghosts}
She’ll enjoy ending your life with brutal grace!
{Robert Hammond}
Shot over my great defense!
{Ghosts}
There are countless ways to be murdered!
{Terry Fawles}
With Dahlia, death’s ensured.
{Dahlia}
I’ll put your meddling sister in her place!
{Cindy Stone}
What if some low-life coward bashed your brains in with The Thinker?
{Duncan Ross}
Or getting gassed in your sleep with nary a whisper?
{Doug Swallow}
How about your deranged ex ending you with a live wire?!
{Odie Asman}
Or your blackmail victim stabbing you with Andrew the Screwdriver?
{Turner Grey}
Shanked with a fruit knife and shot by a selfish ex-nurse!!
{Dustin Prince}
But pushed off of a ledge by Richard Wellington’s much worse.
{Dahlia}
I could stab you on a bridge!
{Valarie Hawthorne}
Betrayed by that wretched midge!!
{Di-Jun Huang}
My body double stole my life and is my country’s curse!
{Ghosts}
There are countless ways to be murdered!
{Byrne Faraday}
Stabbed in more ways than one by Yew.
{Ghosts}
She’ll enjoy ending your life with brutal grace!
{Mack Rell}
She ended me right after you!
{Ghosts}
There are countless ways to be murdered!
{Dahlia}
Your murder is my last hurdle,
Before I put your sister in her place!
{Bruce Goodman}
Saw my end in an evidence room!
{Ghosts}
You’ll die!
{Juan Corrida}
A wraith named de Killer was my doom!
{Ghosts}
You’ll die!
{Isaac Dover}
Hit in the head with a rock salt lamp!
{Ghosts}
You’ll die!
{Pop Windibank}
Gunned down after subduing some thugs like a real champ!
{Ghosts}
Cry,
You’ll die!
{Kane Bullard}
Zvarri was the sound of my knell!
{Ghosts}
You’ll die!
{Tobias Gregson}
That loony judge didn’t make my death swell!
{Ghosts}
You’ll die!
{Dahlia}
I can’t wait to see you join me in Hell!
Maya tried; she truly did. She ran as fast as her legs could carry her, toughing her way through the burning pain of the frigid mountain air filling her lungs and stinging her skin while being bombarded by surprisingly-well-choreographed lyrics by a bunch of ghosts that she didn’t even know, with a few exceptions. But unlike Phoenix, who always managed to find a way out of any situation, no matter how grim, the burger-loving medium’s luck ran out as she hit a dead-end in the Inner Temple’s garden, with her only option at this point being to press her back against the nearby stone lantern and pray for a miracle. And, as if on cue, while Dahlia was distracted with her song, Maya saw three familiar rows of red lights approaching the murderous spirit from behind.
{Dahlia}
I’ll put your meddling sister in her-
{Klint van Zieks}
Join your family in this place.
{Dahlia}
I’m putting your sister in her plaaaaaa-ACK!!!
Maya squeezed her eyes shut as she braced herself for her untimely demise, hoping that the cold air that was freezing her to her core would numb her to the intense pain that would be the last thing that she’d ever feel. However, instead of the sharp pain of a knife piercing her flesh, Maya felt a warm, sticky liquid splashing her in the face, prompting her to open her eyes to the sight of Dahlia with a blade protruding from her torso that was being wielded by none other than Mr. 17 Cups of Coffee himself: Prosecutor Godot.
“Not before I send you back to your place in Hell!” Godot snarled as he plunged the sword that he was wielding deeper into Dahlia’s chest.
“You first!!” Dahlia roared, using the last of her strength to slash at Godot’s face with her knife, prompting the prosecutor to scream out in pain as the lights from his mask went out, leaving the area cloaked in darkness. With Misty’s body succumbing to the fatal wound, Dahlia’s spirit was exorcised from it as it fell to the ground in front of Maya, who in turn immediately fainted as a result of being overwhelmed by everything that had just transpired.
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