4 Brace Yourselves

“Brace Yourselves”
(Sung by Prison Lead Bitchtoff Gavin to the tune of “Be Prepared” from
Disney’s The Lion King)*

[In the prison recreation area, Kristoph is pacing back and forth in front of Roger Retinz, Furio Tigre, and Redd White before proceeding to sing.]

It may seem like we’ve been defeated in society’s eyes,
Our endeavors unraveling at the seams.
But if my plan can receive acceptance with no compromise,
We may yet accomplish our hopes and dreams.

I know you’re all selfish and vain,
Like Narcissus at the spring’s bank.
But please, to help keep me sane,
Hear my words and don’t let me feel manqué.

It’s clear from your grating sneers,
That you couldn’t care in the slightest,
But this is revenge for the wrongs of former years,
Against a man who thinks that he’s highest!

So brace yourselves for the time of your lives.
Brace yourselves for when we are through.
A wondrous age,
As we quell our rage.

[ “And where exactly do we come in?”  Retinz asks with a look of disdain.]

[“Just listen to the kingpin!”  Kristoph sings, pushing up his glasses to hide his irritation on his face.]

This may be debauched,
But our hopes won’t be squashed,
When I finally get my dues,
And my enemy is put in his place!
Brace yourselves!

[“I’ll brace myself! I’ll brace myself good! …What am I bracin’ for?” Tigre asks, his sneer turning into a look of bewilderment as he cocks his head in confusion.][

“For the death of the dastardly man who put us here: Phoenix Wright!” Kristoph hisses through clenched teeth with crossed arms and a piercing glare.]

[“Why? Is he diseasick?” Redd smirks, prompting the blond mastermind to growl in discontent.]

[“No, you pink-haired butcher of the English language, we’re going to murder him, as well his daughter and protégé, and show the world how he so wrongly tarnished my reputation!”]

[“Now you’re speaking my language!”Retinz excitedly chimes in, flashing his signature ‘hang loose, baby!’ gesture. “Death to that Gramarye brat! Death to that whole ragtag agency! I can’t wait until they’re all consumed by my flames!” The former magician cackles, a ball of fire forming in his palm as he extends his arm out.]

[“You short-sighted man…” Kristoph sneers with a shake of his head. “We’re not going to put Wright’s agency out of business.”]

[“Umm… But didn’t youse say-” Tigre tries to ask, only to be quickly interrupted.]

[“I will take the Anything Agency for myself, and use its ‘good’ name to rebuild my career anew! Help me achieve this goal, and you’ll be able to do all of the twisted, illegal acts you desire with no legal repercussions whatsoever!” Kristoph loudly proclaims with a raised fist.]

[“Long live the plan!” The three others bellow at the top of their lungs in unison before they start singing themselves, along with several other prisoners who became intrigued after hearing the discussion.]

We love that we’ll soon have an attorney,
Who appreciates our goals and means.

[Kristoph chuckles slightly under his breath before resuming his singing, with the other prisoners serving as his chorus.]

But as you can imagine, my friends,
You’re expected to follow my orders to the letter.
Our futures are filled with opportunity,
And while I’m a very patient man,
I must really emphasize:
YOU WON’T LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO BETRAY ME!

So brace yourselves for my rise to power! (Oooh!)
Brace yourselves to snuff out Wright’s foolish ideals. (Oooh… Ha! Ha! Ha!)
Careful scheming, (We’ll be rich!)
My logic teeming, (This city’s ours!)
My temperament always cool, (Vices we vow!)
Is why you’ll, (They’ll all bow!)
Know me with no peer,
An illustrious career,
And seen for the legal genius I am!
Yes, my hatred and determination are my helves,
Brace yourselves!

[The other prisoners sing in unison with the former defense attorney.]

Yes, our hatred and determination are our helves,
Brace yourselves!

[As the song comes to an end, Kristoph’s deranged, chilling laughter fills the area.]