60 Cell Block Waltz

Notes

CT: As you’ve seen in past parodies, Central Prison is no stranger to musical numbers. So since we’ve seen what the men sing about, let’s turn to the women… and Kristoph and Atishon as suggested by Memes&Musicals.What? There weren’t enough female convicts with actual backstories to fill the cast. Sure, I could have used Iris, Vasquez, Morgan, and Roland, but the former two didn’t really fit the theme of the song since Iris was only an accomplice to murder and Dee killed purely out of self-defense and the latter two are in no way sympathetic. I mean, Roland’s crimes include, but aren’t limited to, presidential assassination, ruthlessly interrogating a child, and stabbing a prisoner in the neck purely because he unknowingly had a chisel in his chessboard, and Morgan’s, well… Morgan. If Dahlia Hawthorne of all people calls someone cold, twisted, horrible, bitter, and vengeful, then you know that they have acid for blood and an empty void where their soul should be.

JP: Happy 2019! New year, new month! We are kicking off things this January with the theme being “musicals n’stuff”- pretty fitting for a requester named Memes&Musicals, am I Wright? How fitting is it that girly manicure man, whom I’ve not so affectionately deemed the Periwinkle Pisshead, counts as one of the girls here? We’re delighted we could do this request for one of our wonderfulA03 readers! Enjoy the dance of the damned, y’all! 😉


Central Prison Waltz”
Sung to the tune of “Cellblock Tango”
from the smash musical hit,Chicago

[In the outdoor recreational area for the women’s section of Central Prison, several reporters are sitting in folding chairs, their pens and notepads at the ready, before a makeshift stage. And right when the last reporter takes their seat, the warden- a small, lanky man with a big grin on his face- and several guards guide Mimi Miney, Cammy Meele, Alita Tiala, Geiru Toneido, Kristoph Gavin, and Paul Atishon onto the stage in a single file line.]


{Mimi}
Weather.

{Cammy}
Snap.

{Alita}
Bizzzoy.

{Kristoph}
Wright.

{Geiru}
Slut.

{Paul}
Vote.


[“And now, dear reporters, put your hands together for the Five Merry Murderesses of Central Prison- and Paul Atishon- as they perform their version of the “Cell Block Tango’, the ‘Central Prison Waltz’!” The warden cheerfully exclaims.]

{Mimi}
Weather.

{Cammy}
Snap.

{Alita}
Bizzzoy.

{Kristoph}
Wright.

{Geiru}
Slut.

{Paul}
Vote.


{Mimi}
Weather.

{Cammy}
Snap.

{Alita}
Bizzzoy.

{Kristoph}
Wright.

{Geiru}
Slut.

{Paul}
Vote.


{Mimi}
Weather.

{Cammy}
Snap.

{Alita}
Bizzzoy.

{Kristoph}
Wright.

{Geiru}
Slut.

{Paul}
Vote.


{Mimi}
Weather.

{Cammy}
Snap.

{Alita}
Bizzzoy.

{Kristoph}
Wright.

{Geiru}
Slut.

{Paul}
Vote.


{Everyone}
He really deserved it,
He really deserved it,
What goes around comes around.
If you’d have known him,
If you’d have met him,
I betcha you’d also strike him down!


{Mimi}
Weather.

{Cammy}
Snap.

{Alita}
Bizzzoy.

{Kristoph}
Wright.

{Geiru}
Slut.

{Paul}
Vote.


{Mimi}
Weather.

{Cammy}
Snap.

{Alita}
Bizzzoy.

{Kristoph}
Wright.

{Geiru}
Slut.

{Paul}
Vote.


[The spotlight shines on Mimi.]

[“Have you ever had a boss you despise, the kind of person who you fantasize about punching in the face over and over again every day? Well, if you take every negative aspect of their personality and multiply it by a thousand, then you get my former boss, Dr. Turner Grey. The man was a monster and would do everything in his power to make life a living hell for me and the other nurses working for him by giving us long workdays and more patients than any nurse should have to handle. And to make things worse, on days it rained, Grey would be in an especially bad mood, standing over my shoulder and yelling at the top of his lungs about how the weather girl couldn’t predict the weather to save her life.”]

[“But when that malpractice incident went public, I decided to be the bigger person and took the brunt of the blame. Sure, I hated the guy, but I didn’t know how long it would take for me to find another nursing job, especially coming from a place where 14 people were killed. Though now that I think about it, I should have taken my chances; because how did that bastard repay me? He drugged me right before I left for work one day, causing me to get into a car accident that killed my baby sister and left me burnt beyond recognition! See my face?! This is the face of the sister that was killed because of that bastard!”]

[“Fortunately, I got my revenge. One day, when I was taking classes at my sister’s college as I lived out her life, Grey approached me and asked me about where he could find a spirit medium who would allow him to see my ‘sister’, i.e. me, so that he could get ‘her’ to sign a document confessing that ‘she’ was completely at fault for the malpractice incident. Well, I told him where he could go before calling the woman who ran the place and striking a deal with her.”]

[“So on the day of the channeling, I saw Grey… right before I stabbed him and shot him right in the forehead.”]


{Everyone}
He really deserved it,
He really deserved it,
What goes around comes around.
If you’d have known him,
If you’d have met him,
I betcha you’d also strike him down!


[The spotlight shines on Cammy.]

[“I was living the dream- using my position as a flight attendant to smuggle art around the world, forging a few documents, and getting rich in the process. Hell, the hardest part of my job was doing my work as an actual flight attendant, but even then, I didn’t have to do much since my boyfriend, who was also a pilot, would cover for me whenever I decided to goof-off, which was pretty much all the time.”]

[“Yeah, life was great… until some Interpol agent decided to rain on my parade. Apparently, the guy suspected that some valuable statue that was being transported was swapped out for a fake during a layover and was insisting that he check out the cargo hold to verify if this was true. Of course, I wanted to keep him as far away from that area of the plane because he was right, but I had no choice but to comply. I couldn’t just say no to some glorified cop and make myself look suspicious. So I took him down to the hold and he started snapping pictures of the area on his phone. Snap! Snap! And all the while, I was getting more and more nervous.”]

[“Eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore and just snapped- no pun intended- and pushed him over the upper level’s railing. And the next ‘snap’ that cop heard was when his back hit the ground.”]


{Everyone}
He really deserved it,
He really deserved it,
He took me for a ride.
He really mocked me,
And also poked me.
It wasn’t murder,
But rather suicide.


[The spotlight shines on Alita.]

[“I love money. Who doesn’t? You can have anything and anyone you want with enough of the green stuff. And one day, I was given the opportunity to get a lot of it on a silver platter.”]

[“You see, my boss was a mob doctor who primarily treated the Kitaki family while I served as a nurse. So one day, the head of the family’s son, Wocky, was shot in the heart during a little scuffle- probably because he was being the stupid little ‘tough’ guy that he is, and I use the term ‘tough’ very loosely- and needed surgery. But when we went to operate on him, we saw that the bullet was literally inches away from his heart- to take that thing out would run the risk of killing him just as much as the bullet itself. So we left it in there, patched Wocky up, wrote up a fake report saying that he was fine, and gave the brat a lemon-flavored lollypop… which we swapped out for a grape because lemon’s apparently not ‘gangsta’ enough.”]

[“Now, my boss simply wanted to forget the incident and simply wait for the bullet to do its job, but I, on the other hand, saw an opportunity. I knew that if I was married to Wocky, I could get all of his family’s money the day he died from that bullet. So as much as it pained me to do so, I wasted no time in popping the question to Wocky, which he agreed to before I could finish asking it.”]

[“But unfortunately, life’s not that easy. The Kitakis quickly found out about the botched surgery during a routine checkup. So there I was, forced to cover up my tracks by going to that clinic later that night, holding my boss at gunpoint, and forcing him to give me the file so that I could get rid of it.”]

[“But as you can probably guess, things took a turn for the worse, so I’ll save you the time and tell you the short version of the story- my boss strangled me with a lamp cord, I blacked out, he dumped my body and the gun I had into a noodle cart, and tried to dump me in a river, only to get stopped by Wocky being Wocky, giving me the chance to off him before he could reveal my involvement.”]

[“Now, for those of you saying that I’m a cold, manipulative harlot for using Wocky’s life as a means to an end, it was no picnic for me. I earned every last cent that family had after everything I had to put up with, hiding my rage and hate behind an angelic smile. Why, if I had a dollar for every time that Vanilla Ice knockoff said ‘bizzzoy’ or started crying whenever we got past first base, I’d have enough money to buy and sell him and his family ten times over.”]


{Everyone}
If you’d have known him,
If you’d have met him,
I betcha you’d also strike him down!


[The spotlight shines on Kristoph.]

[“I’m Kristoph Gavin and I killed a man named ‘Smith’ with a bottle because I am an evil human being. And as for why I’m in this train wreck of a musical production, the new warden, Fred Leemann, is under the absurd delusion that I am a woman and had me forcibly moved to the women’s section of the prison despite my protests.”  Kristoph snaps with crossed arms while glaring daggers at the smiling warden.]

[“You can’t fool me, Ms. Gavin!” Fred says with a wave of his hand“I’ve seen how you’ve taken ample time styling your hair, painting your nails, and watching romantic comedies during your recreation time. But back to the topic of this song, aren’t you forgetting your other crimes? You know, how you slipped Phoenix Wright forged evidence, poisoned a man, and attempted to the same to his daughter?”]

[“As I, KRISTOPH Gavin, have stated before, those other charges were not proven in a proper court of law. They were thrust upon me by Phoenix Wright to cover his tracks after he twisted the justice system, forged evidence, and brainwashed my protégé in order to cover his tracks.”]


[The spotlight shines on Geiru.]

[“My father was my hero. Every day, he’d go onstage and perform Rakugo shows for adoring crowds with everything he had. I couldn’t help but admire his energy, always putting everything he had into telling those stories. That’s why I joined the Toneido School as soon as I could in the hopes of following his footsteps and inheriting his stage name. Though unlike my dad, I was never good at the whole storytelling thing- my voice and personality ain’t all that flexible, ya know? So I decide to take up balloon art, which made me pretty popular with our audiences since I was able to enhance my performance in more ways than one, if ya know what I mean.”]

[“But no matter how hard I worked, or how many successful shows I put on, nothing was good enough for Taifu! He’d give me these weird riddles for advice like he was Yoda or something and send me off on my merry way before partying with his other student with soba and booze. It’s not fair, I tell ya! Just ’cause I’m allergic to buckwheat and don’t have four personalities doesn’t mean ya can just cast me aside. That’s right, while all of my performances were all me, that freak of nature that was Taifu’s other student was only able to perform Rakugo because he had four personalities- his standard self, some annoyingly upbeat jester, a scared little boy, and a passive-aggressive slut.”]

[“Oh, but that ain’t all what four-square got. He also got my father’s name. So on the day he was set to inherit the name Uendo Toneido, I paid Taifu a visit and gave him a delicious last meal in the form of suffocating him with some udon dough. What? That doesn’t sound delicious? Well, Taifu certainly thought it was to die for.”]


{Everyone}
They really deserved it,
(They really deserved it,)
They really deserved it,
(They really deserved it,)


They deserved it from the start.
I’m not guilty,
But if that’s not true,
You can’t fault me if you’ve got a heart.


They really deserved it,
(They really deserved it,)
They really deserved it,
(They really deserved it,)
They deserved it from the start.
(They took me for a ride.)
I’m not guilty,
(He really mocked me,)
But if that’s not true,
You can’t fault me if you’ve got a heart.


[The spotlight shines on Paul.]

[“Greetings, esteemed reporters, I am Paul Atishon, politician, intellectual, and a man who loves everything and everyone. But as you can probably see, I’ve suffered a minor setback, which resulted in me being temporarily detained so that I can reflect upon my errors. But I am a man who sees the glass as half-full, who sees the silver lining in every cloud, and who turns the sour lemons that life gives him into sweet lemonade. That’s why when Mr. Leemann couldn’t find a sixth girl to perform in this musical number, I gladly volunteered to help. For how could I live with myself if I merely sat back and allowed my community to suffer? I couldn’t, because to me, nothing is more important than community and how it brings people together. After all, you can’t spell ‘community’ without ‘unity’. A vote for Paul Atishon is a vote for a greater sense of community! Remember that when I’m able to return to the streets and run for office.”]

[“Though speaking of community, do you know who hated it? Archie Buff. Here I welcome him to Kurain village with open arms after losing his wife by giving him the Crystal of Ami Fey to research, an artifact given to one of my ancestors- a famous politician who kissed many babies- for protecting the spirit mediums practicing the Kurain Channeling Technique, after learning that he had to quit his job as an archeologist. And how did he repay my kindness? Why, he took my family’s precious crystal and hid it in some underground cave just because he heard a rumor that it was actually an invaluable artifact stolen from Khura’in. The nerve of that man! And can you believe that he had the audacity to blatantly refuse to give me the crystal or even tell me where he hid it when I approached him one day and kindly asked for it back!?”]

[“So while I may be a peaceful man who loathes violence in every way, shape, and form, I was left with no choice but to kill Mr. Buff by sneaking into his house and pushing a heavy suitcase onto his head from the upper level of his home. Now, this may make me look like a monster, and I don’t blame you- after all, you’re all fine, upstanding citizens with stellar morals. But consider this: when it comes to killing off people, most politicians just sit back and let their lackeys do all the work, but not me! I am a man who cares about the people and a man of action! So if I want someone dead, I’m not afraid to roll up my sleeves and get the job done. A vote for Paul Atishon is a vote for returning to a simpler time when politicians would do unsavory deeds themselves!”]


{Everyone}
That freakin’ jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk!
That freakin’ jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk!


They really deserved it,
(They really deserved it,)
The really deserved it,
(They really deserved it,)
They deserved it from the start.
‘Cause if they mocked us,
(‘Cause if they mocked us,)
And also poked us,
(And also poked us,)
You can’t fault us if you’ve got a heart!


He really deserved it,
(He really deserved it,)
He really deserved it,
(He really deserved it,)
What goes around comes around.
(What goes around comes around.)
If you’d have known him,
(If you’d have known him,)
If you’d have met him,
(If you’d have met him,)
I betcha you’d also strike him down!


{Mimi}
[“The weather girl said it was sunny.”]

{Cammy}
[“Some Interpol agent decided to rain on my parade.”]

{Alita}
[“Vanilla Ice knockoff.”]

{Kristoph}
[“I am an evil human being.”]

{Geiru}
[“All of my performances were all me.”]

{Atishon}
[“Vote for Paul Atishon!”]


{Mimi}
Weather.

{Cammy}
Snap.

{Alita}
Bizzzoy.

{Kristoph}
Wright.

{Geiru}
Slut.

{Paul}
Vote.

License

Singing in the Courtroom Copyright © by JordanPhoenix and CzarThwomp. All Rights Reserved.

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