121 Clearly, Your Mind Is Gone!

JP: Welcome to “Clearly, Your Mind Is Gone!”  It’s a songfic exploring friendship, loyalty, and the legal world of Ace Attorney. Set in Hotti Clinic’s ICU, this other request by PhantomZombie picks up from Chapter 119, “Defend For Me,” offering Edgeworth’s perspective on Phoenix’s request for him to defend in his stead. It’s a tale of courage, sacrifice, and enduring friendship. I hope you enjoy this journey as much as I enjoyed crafting it.

“Clearly, Your Mind Is Gone!”
Sung to the tune of
“You Keep Me Hanging On”
from Glee

Hotti Clinic, ICU, February 8, 2019, 12:00 pm

Miles Edgeworth approached Phoenix Wright’s room with a mixture of annoyance and concern. Hospitals were his personal nightmare, ranking just below earthquakes and elevators. Twice in a year, both times for people he deeply cared about – the irony wasn’t lost on him.

Entering the room, he eyed the bedridden figure, who was hunched over a laptop. The nightgown-clad man appeared to be more disturbed than dying.

“Wright,” the stoic legist nodded, suppressing the urge to throttle his courtroom rival with his own cravat for making him such a fretful mess; one who’d flown the redeye from across the planet to be there in record time – and apparently all for naught! “Kindly explain why I got a call from Butz, or should I say Laurice Deauxnim, claiming you’re on death’s doorstep?”

“Can’t do right now, Edgeworth. I got more pressing matters to deal with, like finding Maya, Pearls, and defending Iris,” the defense lawyer insisted, before going into a hacking fit that lasted several minutes.

“The hell you will! You need to get better, Wright. Don’t be daft, man! You’re not Superman. Surviving a fall off a flaming bridge doesn’t make you invincible.”

“I know, but I have to do this for Maya.”

“Sometimes it’s better to lead with your head than your heart,” Miles advised.

“Like you do?” Phoenix shot back.

“Like any logical person, Wright.”

The spiky-haired man shot daggers at his visitor for this hypocrisy, mentioning the Perfect Prosecutor’s Germany joint trip to work with Interpol. The prosecutor had no counter-argument.

“You’ve got me there, Wright,” he admitted. “But you still need to get better first. It would behoove you not to disobey the doctor’s orders. Now then, give me the condensed version. I don’t have all day.”

The spiky-haired wildly hacked again and gratefully took a swig of water from the bedside table his guest passed over to him.  After catching his breath, the winded patient was finally able to regale him of the calamity at Hazakura Temple – training, Sister Bikini, Elise Deauxnim, and her subsequent murder.

“Essentially, long story short – training, murder, and Maya’s stuck on the other side of the Dusky Bridge.”

Of course, she is. Miles crossed his arms and let out a soundless sigh. Despite his fondness for the plucky spirit medium, he ruefully acknowledged that she tended to unwittingly attract trouble and danger like a moth to a flame.

As Phoenix wrapped up his summary of the chaotic events at Eagle Mountain, the barrister couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow at the white cowl.

“What’s with the ridiculous bonnet?”

“Demon Warding hood. Iris gave it to me. It flattens my spikes and makes my head itch.”

“Nothing could ever flatten that gravity-defying Sonic the Hedgehog coiffure,” Miles deadpanned. He was treated to a glare that could have bored holes through a wall. “Anyhow, how are you feeling?”

“Like I’ve been run over by a truck, but I’ll survive.” The blue attorney lamented. “But the hospital is insisting on bed rest for two days, at least.”

“This is quite the predicament, Wright,” Miles noted. “Matt Engarde’s case seems like a walk in the park compared to this. And you said Maya is stuck on the other side of the Dusky Bridge?”

“Yeah, and Pearls has vanished too. Add Iris into the mix and to say this is one big catastrophic mess would be the understatement of the century!”

As Phoenix continued, the prosecutor noticed a hesitation when he mentioned the shrine maiden. He underlined the name twice on his pad with a large question mark at the end.

“Alright, I’ll check out Hazakura Temple after I meet Butz,” Miles decided. “I shall keep you abreast of the situation, hence.”

“Wait, Edgeworth. Take these with you.” The sickly one handed over his magatama and demon hood.

“What’s your strange glowing rock for?”

“Take these.” Phoenix handed over a magatama. “For psyche locks.”

Miles arched an eyebrow.

“Psycho-locks? This better not be some joke, Wright.”

“It’s not. And here, take my badge. Defend Iris for me.”

“Surely thou jest.” The cravat-wearer crossed his arms and stared the patient down. “I can only assume it’s that high fever making you take leave of our senses to even contemplate asking such a favor of me!”

“What’s that supposed to mean?!”

“I mean, the request of something so outlandish is a stretch, even for you who is semi-unhinged on a good day, Wright! Clearly, your mind is gone!”

[Miles]

Clearly, Your Mind Is Gone!
What a thing to ask of me!
It’s the height of audacity!
We could both lose our badges
Clearly, Your Mind Is Gone!

[Chorus]
What a thing to ask of me!
It’s the height of audacity! (Nghoo- Nghoo- Nghoo)
We could both get disbarred for this
Hence, clearly, your mind is gone!

You claim that my fears are unfound
Should I consent to this farce
But this could ruin both of our lives
If I concede to be a bleeding heart!
You are the devil in blue
To make such a request of me!

What a thing to ask of me!
It’s the height of audacity! (Nghoo- Nghoo- Nghoo)
We could both get disbarred for this
Clearly, Your Mind Is Gone!
We could both get disbarred for this
Clearly, Your Mind Is Gone!

A friend in need is a friend indeed
We both know that this phrase is true
But after all you’ve done for me
We know I can’t say no to you!
(And there’s no escaping the truth of it)

Nnnghhhooooh!!, Nnnghhhooooh!!, Nnnghhhooooh!!
Nnnghhhooooh!!, Nnnghhhooooh!!, Nnnghhhooooh!! Nnnghhhooooh!!
Nnnghhhooooh!!, Nnnghhhooooh!!, Nnnghhhooooh!! Nnnghhhooooh!!
Nnnghhhooooh!!, Nnnghhhooooh!!, Nnnghhhooooh!!
Gaaaaaaah! Gaaaaaaah!

My conscience is cut like a knife
Yet I owe you, Wright!
We could both get disbarred for this
Clearly, your mind is gone! (Mind is gone!)

You know you’re like a brother to me
That makes me feel a bit less guilty
Ergo after this, we’ll be even
And no more law-bending for me!
I’d never do this for myself
Only for you and nobody else!

What a thing to ask of me!
It’s the height of audacity! (Nghoo- Nghoo- Nghoo)
We could both get disbarred for this
Clearly, Your Mind Is Gone!

Wish I could keep my stance on this
Be a coward and flee (Nghoo- Nghoo- Nghoo)
But I could never do such a thing!
I am the son of Gregory!

My conscience is cut like a knife
Yet I owe you, Wright! (Nghoo- Nghoo- Nghoo)
We could both get disbarred for this
Clearly, your mind is gone! (Nghoo- Nghoo- Nghoo)

Phoenix gave an enthusiastic round of applause when the serenade was done. Miles merely scowled back in response.

“Thanks for the musical entertainment!” The King of the Turnabout treated his best friend with a winsome smile. “However, since it seems like you still require just a wee bit more persuasion here, I’ll need to bust out the Ace up my sleeve!”

The foreboding words immediately initiated the feeling of dread that began creeping over the chess lover, even before the imminent trump card was laid out before him.

“… Consequently, as much as I hate to pull the IOU card, it seems I have no choice! Therefore, need I remind you, dear friend, that on top of saving you from the gallows that time you were on trial for murder, you also owe me for Franziska von Karma and … Germany*?”

Bejabbers and consarn! I didn’t think Wright had it in him to go there! I am mildly appalled … albeit mostly impressed!

Miles swore an impressive daisy chain of expletives under his breath, then closed his eyes in silent surrender, knowing when he’d been bested.

“You do know defending is against my nature, don’t you?”

“But it was your life path once upon a time. And no matter what side of the courtroom you’re on, there’s never been a better man for the job than you. You’re the best. Please, Miles.”

The sincere and rare use of his first name was what did it. Reluctantly, the barrister nodded acquiescence.

“Fine, but this better not end in disbarment.”

“Thanks, Edgeworth. You’re a lifesaver.”

Miles left the room then, muttering about the absurdity of it all.

Him, High Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth, defending someone? He was still shaking his head at this unexpected turn of events. Phoenix Wright truly had a knack for turning his life upside down.

As he raked an agitated hand through his slate-colored hair, the DA let out a pained groan.

“I still cannot believe I chartered a private jet for this…”

JP: *For anyone curious about what the deuce Nick was referring to in his “cryptic” reference to Miles and Germany, check out story #2 in my Turnabout Lawful Lust Trilogy, “The Ties That Bind.”