“Defend (For Me)”
Sung to the tune of
“Call Me” by Blondie
from American Gigolo
Phoenix Wright lay in the sterile confines of the Hotti Clinic’s ICU, a victim of his own impulsive heroics. His recent escapade involved surviving an 80-foot fall from a burning bridge, leaving him with a high fever and an unrelenting cough. As he grappled with his own recklessness, the defense attorney couldn’t help but wonder if he was the luckiest or unluckiest man on Earth.
In the midst of his delirium, the patient’s thoughts turned to Maya Fey, the spirited diviner who had a knack for getting into trouble. Despite the danger he’d faced, he knew he wouldn’t change a thing. Love was a powerful force, and he would walk over burning coals for her. However, Miles Edgeworth, Phoenix’s logical and by-the-book friend, would never comprehend such actions.
Thankfully, Edgeworth was currently away in Europe, sparing Phoenix from a lecture on the imprudence of his recent exploits. Little did the uninhibited man know that fate had different plans.
Speak, or rather, think of the devil, and he will come.
Materializing out of nowhere, like something out of a fever-induced hallucination, Edgeworth himself suddenly materialized in the hospital room, a mix of exasperation and relief on his face.
Their reunion was interrupted by the patient’s coughing fit, a reminder of his weakened state. Despite his condition, he welcomed his visitor with a silent wave. The magenta-wearer, ever composed, greeted the bedridden one with a nod, acting as if visiting a friend in the ICU was a routine occurrence.
As they exchanged pleasantries, the King of the Turnabout couldn’t help but feel grateful that Edgeworth wasn’t aware of the full extent of his recent escapades, thinking he would be spared a lecture.
However, Edgeworth, having received a distress call from Larry Butz (now insisting on being called Laurice Deauxnim), knew enough to be concerned about Phoenix’s well-being.
Their conversation veered from the Demon Warding Hood to the recalcitrant lawyer’s stubborn refusal to stay in the hospital. The DA, displaying his usual composure, chastised his old pal for his rash behavior. Phoenix, feeling the sinking weight of his responsibilities, insisted on the urgency of his tasks – ensuring Maya’s safety, finding Elise Deauxnim’s murderer, locating Pearls, and defending Iris.
Winded from his latest hacking fit, the King of the Turnabout lay in the hospital bed, his eyes pleading with the stolid cravat-wearer who stood at the foot of it.
“Edgeworth, I need you to defend Iris for me,” Phoenix implored, his voice strained but determined.
The tea-lover raised an eyebrow, a mixture of skepticism and concern on his face. Surely, the high fever his friend had nearly succumbed to as a result of falling into the icy river when the burning bridge had collapsed was toying with his lucidity.
“Wright, clearly, your mind is gone…”
Phoenix winced at the jibe, yet he still pressed on.
“That’s the name of the next song. First, we need to get this long overdue Blondie request over with, assuming Phantom Zombie is still around as an avid loyal reader. The song-fic request was made ages ago, you know.”
Well, rationality, such as it were, anyway. The chess enthusiast chose to ignore this bizarre dialogue, chalking it up to the elevated temperature of the patient, which had seemingly shaken his mind. We both know neither rationale nor logic is the man’s strong suit on a good day, never mind when he’s bedridden in a hospital!
“The point is, I’m a prosecutor, not a defense attorney.”
“I know you must think I’m out of my mind …”
“Deranged with fever, I prefer to believe.” The prosecutor had crossed his arms and was already tapping his bicep in his customary impatient fashion. “How else to explain such an outrageous request?”
The spiky-haired man continued with his plea as though his courtroom rival hadn’t spoken.
“…but I simply can’t do it. I’m stuck here, barely able to breathe.” His words were punctuated by a wheezing fit that nearly took the wind out of his sails. “You’re the only one who can unravel this mess and save Iris. Please, for me. I’m begging you…”
[Phoenix]
Defend for me, Edgey, buddy
Wear my golden star
Prove you’re more than a mean, glaring
Demon prosecutor
I know you’ve got a big heart
Just once can’t you play this part?
What the deuce? Edgey? The prosecutor was more dumbstruck by the unaccustomed moniker than he was by the fact that the same man who could hardly breathe, let alone speak, had somehow gotten his second wind, as though gifted from the heavens, and had changed from sounding as though he had a frog in his throat to crooning like a nightingale! Just how sick is he? He never calls me that!
Defend! (For me) This time!
Defend! Iris for this evil crime
Defend! (For me) I’m begging
Won’t you save me from this plight, my friend?
Defend
Yes, it’s a big favour, Edgey
Push has come to shove
Only you can save that poor nun
Won’t even need to bluff
I’m stuck here cuz I almost died
Without your aid, she’ll surely fry
Defend! (For me) This time!
Defend! Help me keep the truth alive.
Defend! (For me) I’m begging
Innocent people should not do time
Defend
Edgeworth can’t you see this is a sign from the above?
Follow the path you once chose, like Gregory
Justice will prevail, no matter if we slightly bent the laws
You’d be helping both Pearls and Maya Fey
Earn my gratitude till the end of my days
Defend (For me) Edgeworth
Defend for me at the drop of a dime
Defend (For me) lose that pride
Defend her for this evil crime
Defend (For me) help my strife
Defend, this maiden of temple shrine
Defend, (For me) defend, find my former lover’s alibi
Defend (For me) this time
Defend, and I promise I’ll cease to whine
Defend (For me)
Ohhh, defend (for me), mmh-mmh, ah
Defend (For me), Edgey
Defend, (For me) Edgey
Nngh! A pox on that nickname! Whenever did I give Wright the greenlight to call me Edgey? I thought that inane sobriquet was something that was strictly utilized by that foolish fool, Larry – whom I’ve also never encouraged to call me that, either! Well, I’ll just chalk it up under the deranged with fever speculation, and blame my own internal grumblings mirroring that of a certain German lady because her mannerisms and vocabulary are signs that we’ve been together a lot longer than I’ve realized…then again, she did shout Eureka! In the bedroom at a particular moment the other night, so what’s good for the gander is good for the goose?
Edgeworth sighed and closed his eyes. “Wright, this is absurd. I can’t just switch roles on a whim.”
“You did something crazy for love, didn’t you?” Phoenix argued, a knowing glint in his navy orbs. “When you followed your heart, and a certain Interpol-bound whip-happy prosecutor to Germany*.”
Edgeworth’s cheeks reddened, but he didn’t deny it. “That was different.”
“Is it, really? We’re talking about love, loyalty, and doing what’s right. I trust you, Edgeworth. I know you can do this,” the lovesick victim insisted, a spark of hope in his tired eyes.
The other man looked away, deep in thought. Finally, he met his best friend’s gaze and nodded, albeit reluctantly. “Fine, Wright. I’ll do it. But don’t think I’m making a habit out of defending people.”
A weak smile crossed Phoenix’s face. “Thank you, dear friend. I owe you big time.”
“Just focus on getting better. We’ll talk strategy later,” Edgeworth replied, already planning his defense in his prosecutor’s mind.
Note to self – pull aside one of the nurses at the station to up Wright’s medications in hopes it shall help quell his obvious delirious state, and I have zero qualms citing the asinine nicknaming as evidence of such!
As his childhood chum left the hospital room, Phoenix couldn’t help but mutter to himself, “Defend (For Me), Edgeworth. You won’t regret it.”
On the other side of the door, the DA raked an agitated hand through his slate-coloured hair and let out a pained groan.
“I still cannot believe I chartered a private jet for this…”
*For anyone curious about what the deuce Nick was referring to in his “cryptic” reference to Miles and Germany, check out story #2 in my Turnabout Lawful Lust Series, “The Ties That Bind.”
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