110 Girl For Me
CT: I would like to thank Simon DiStefan for giving us the opportunity to write another parody featuring Wocky being the loudmouth ball of irritation and cringe that we all know and love to hate. After I heard the lyrics to the original song, I knew that the parody would feature either Wocky or Phoenix during his Feenie “my Dollie doesn’t poop” phase of life, but then I remembered that Wocky interrupted Alita’s testimony during the second day of his trial in order to threaten to sue Apollo, his defense attorney and probably the only person who doesn’t want to outright throttle him, on the grounds of abusing his Alita, and the choice was made pretty obvious.
Not to mention, Phoenix may have been delusional during his Feenie days, but unlike J.D., the worst he was capable of was pushing a guy into a pole- an act that he felt guilty for shortly after. However, based on how Wocky was ready to pick a fight with Apollo right after he was acquitted, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was contemplating stealing another gun and paying the Anything Agency a little visit. But even if Wocky did try to have his day of retribution, chances are he’d run away screaming with a trail of piss in his wake upon trying to shoot Phoenix, only for the bullets to bounce right off the invincible ex-attorney… resulting in our favorite wannabe gangster running away crying with a trail of piss in his wake. That is, if Phoenix doesn’t catch him first and teach him why you don’t mess with Big Trash Daddy Phoenix.
JP: Hola everyone! BTW, Heathers: The Musical is a MUST-SEE! It’s even better than the cult classic movie, which is the embodiment of me and my fave funnyman’s twisted senses of humor! Hope you enjoy my talented partner’s homage to Wannabe Furry and Discount Store Dahlia!😆
“Girl For Me”
sung to the tune of
“Meant To Be Yours”
from the stage production
Heathers: The Musical
When Alita was told that she was being visited by a Mr. Kitaki, she figured that it was Winfred, the mob boss turned baker who probably had it out for her on account of how she used his loudmouthed son as a way to steal his family’s fortune, as well as tried to have the kid convicted of murder. After all, Wocky was a grating, brainless moron with no common sense and a chip on his shoulder that was bigger than anything in his head or pants. If the Vanilla Ice wannabe couldn’t call her out when it was being made obvious that she was using him purely for his father’s money in a public courtroom, then he wouldn’t take the time to come down to the detention center to rant and rave to her- something that Alita had no complaints with. Sure, the prospect of hearing that OG Loc knockoff rant and rave about how ‘gangsta’ he was and how he’d pop a cap in her ass was tempting, but after having been arrested thanks to that horn-headed imp rookie that she hired, the gold-digging ex-nurse was hardly in the mood to see her boisterous ex-fiancé.
As the guard guided her down the hall to the visitors’ room, Alita couldn’t help but grin as she pictured this large, burly guy with eyebrows so thick that you could hide Bigfoot in them giving her the clichéd mob speech about how when you mess with a member of his family, you mess with him, and when you mess with him, the only way you’re going back home is in a box. That, or if she somehow manages to get herself acquitted, Winfred himself would personally see to it that she’s fitted with designer concrete shoes before taking her down to Gourd Lake for a nice swim- as if threats like that would scare the ex-nurse when they’re coming from a guy who’s wearing a yellow apron with a happy, smiling cartoon fox right in the center.
However, Alita’s grin quickly morphed into a scowl when the guard directed her to enter the accused’s side of the visitor’s room, only to be greeted by the sight of not Winfred, but Wocky, who was trying- and failing- to act like some hardened rebel by lightly pushing his right foot against the table on his side of the glass in order to lean back in the folding metal chair he was sitting in, only for him to almost fall completely back with a slightly effeminate scream before saving himself by jerking his torso forward. Seeing this, Alita tried to immediately leave the room, only for the guard to block the doorway and, with a smug smile on his face, nudge her towards the metal folding chair that was set up for her.
So, with an exasperated sigh and some internal cursing, Alita slowly took her seat.
“What do you want, Wocky?” Alita curtly asked as she glowered at her ex-fiancé. “You were proven innocent today in court while I was exposed as some scheming gold-digger who was arrested for her crimes- you won, I lost. Any revenge plans you have in store for me would be a step up from what I’m currently facing- at least 12 if you count this current conversation.”
“Alita, baby gurl, you got it all wrong.” Wocky confidently replied with crossed arms. “I ain’t here for revenge. I could never do anything bad to my fallen angel… No, I’m here ’cause I was doing some thinkin’, when all of a sudden, I got hit with a revelation- like what happened with Moses or Gandhi or the guy who invented them dope-ass double stuf oreos.”
“And pray tell, Wocky, just what kind of insightful thoughts are stirring around in that glorious piece of Swiss cheese that you call a mind?” The ex-nurse snidely questioned; her hands placed to her cheeks as if to feign interest. But unfortunately for Alita, her insult went right over her ex-fiancé’s head.
“Anything for you, Alita-baby! Get ready, ’cause I’m about to blow your mind, fo’ shizzle!” Wocky chirped as he started twirling his hair before bursting out into song.
{Wocky}
You tried to send me off to jail,
So I should kick your ass-
But!
But!
But!
Then it all made sense to me,
This is all that punk-ass lawyer’s fault!
Jealous of you and me,
He painted you as a banshee!
He put you here,
With a sneer,
But I can make things right!
In the defendant lobby alone,
I called my ma and yelled,
Why!?
Why!?
Why!?
Then I had a change in tone,
When I got an idea crazier than any dream!
That’s why I stole two guns,
To make that weak-ass hater run,
And end his joke of a job before it’s begun!
You are the girl for me.
I don’t care what they say.
I won’t give up on us.
My love is here to stay.
You are the girl for me.
So when I shoot up that agency,
And everyone inside-
Bang!
Bang!
Bang!
On their corpses, all carefree,
I’ll leave a note stating why they were iced.
{Wocky (doing a bad impersonation of Apollo)}
We, the jerks of the Anything Agency,
Hate Wocky.
We can’t stand how cool he is and that he was happy,
You see.
We hate love and everything it stands for,
Fo’ sure.
We suck, the jerks of the Anything Agency.
Bustas flee!
{Wocky}
Those asshats are in for a crunch!
Pull out a cup,
I’m making punch!
They better be prepared ’cause,
It’ll hurt a bunch!
You are the girl for me.
Our love is its own zone.
I can’t live life alone.
You can always atone.
I am the guy for yooou.
We were supposed to wed.
You are my one true looove.
There’s still much left unsaid.
“And here I thought that you couldn’t be any more embarrassing…” Alita groaned as she got up from her seat and started to walk towards the door leading out of the room, only to be stopped by the wannabe gangster slamming his fist on the glass.
{Wocky}
Alita, please don’t- please don’t leave me!
Alita, please don’t leave!
Alita, please don’t end what you’ve got with me!
Don’t end what you’ve got with me!
Alita, life’s unfair,
I’ve been there!
I will set you free!
Alita, don’t make me come in there!
I’m gonna count to three!
One!
Two!
Screw it!
Wocky proceed to spring to his feet before picking up the metal folding chair that he was previously sitting in and chucking it at the glass with all his might, only for it to bounce off the bullet-proof barrier, hit him square in the chest, and send him falling to the ground.
“Loser.” Alita sneered before walking away from the table and being escorted back to her cell by the guard, leaving her poor, pathetic ex-fiancé lying on his back as tears started flowing down his cheeks.
{Wocky}
Baby gurl… No! Alita…
Please don’t leave me alone.
You were my world’s one light.
I can’t live life alone.
After getting back on his feet and wiping away his tears, Wocky placed his hands on the table in front of him and leaned forward to see if his fallen angel was still there, only to find that the area on the other side of the glass was empty.
{Wocky}
I will have my reveeeeeenge!
After belting out that last word, Wocky proceeded to slam his fist on the table with a loud thud. Defeated, the Vanilla Ice wannabe proceeded to whimper, his postured hunched over as the part-time guard on his side of the room, Mike Meekins, proceeded to slowly walk over to him.
{Meekins}
Sir?
Excuse me, sir?
Sir?
SIIIIIIR!
“WHAT!?” Wocky roared at the top of his lungs, his hands on his hips as he quickly turned around to give the awkward guard a death glare.
“Sir!” Meekins responded with a sharp salute. “I’m sorry to interrupt… whatever it is you’re doing, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave!”
“Why, so you can make jokes about me behind my back? You find this funny, coppa-man? You gettin’ some kinda sick pleasure outta seeing a guy get his heart ripped out of his chest and ground into dust by his fallen angel?!” Wocky snarled, trying his best to hold back the tears that were forming in his eyes.
“Sir, I-” Meekins tried to reason in a surprisingly calm tone, having experienced first-hand what it was like to see young love sour, when the girl that you adore doesn’t feel the same way about you, only to be interrupted by the Vanilla Ice wannabe.
“Save it, Porky! I know how you pigs are! Let’s see how funny you think this is when I put two holes in that punk-ass head of yours!” Wocky snapped as he pulled out the two guns he had stolen, making sure to hold them sideways so as to appear more badass as he aimed them at Meekins.
“GUNS!” Meekins shrieked at the top of his lungs, slamming his fist downward into his palm before leaping into action by tackling Wocky to the ground with impressive speed, resulting in the wannabe gangster losing his grip on his weapons as they slid across the room, before pinning his adversary to the ground and proceeding to unleash a barrage of sloppy, haphazard slaps on the troubled youth.
For Meekins, this was a momentous occasion- he actually managed to do his job properly and advert a crisis situation. However, while the awkward guard was able to disarm and subdue Wocky with no real issue, he forgot that he was actually supposed to restrain and detain the wannabe gangster for arrest as he proceeded to continue his slapping onslaught, complete with high-pitched screams until the guard monitoring the security cameras sent a team over to the visitor’s room… though not before spending a good ten minutes to enjoy the show.
Congratulations. You’ve finally proven there’s something out there more useless than decaf. That would be Wocky Kitaki.
JP: That Furry Wannabe is the fork in a soup bowl indeed usage-wise and in my top 10 of most despised AA characters. Even the drunkard in SOJ was a less reprehensible client – and that’s saying something as I hated that noodle case more than most fans hate Big Top. That being said, nobody mocks he of peanutshell and rubberband jockstrap acclaim than my hilarious partner. Always a pleasure to hear from you! 😊
Sometimes, a good duo can really come through with great things. Look at Sonny and Cher, Jan and Dean, Alex Ovechkin and Nick Backstrom…peanut butter and chocolate.
Ok, I threw that last one in for laughs. But the point is there’s one more duo that should be included in those lists – JordanPhoenix and CzarThwomp.
And true to form, you’re still doing great things with this story. And this really gave me a good laugh. Even if does force me to endure a guy who should still get the chair for his personality alone. Let’s face it. I think most of us wanted Wocky to be found guilty for no other reason than we hated him. Still, that aside, it’s another solid entry into this series.
I have to admit, I have never heard of this musical. But based on what you’ve done with it, and the story you told, you coaxed a grin out of my normally sour face. I could just picture all of this happening. Somehow, all the threats of mob justice don’t sound so bad, considering what was waiting for her in the visitation room. I really grinned with the image of him being hit by his own chair, and Meekins, the most unqualified cop on the force, taking him down like an actual officer. I guess one positive, Wocky might spend some time in a cell for pulling a gun on a cop. For whatever length of time, I hope it’s solitary confinement.
Well done as always, CT. It’s a brilliantly thought-out parody that has that sense of humor of yours.