122 I Am The Winner
CT: When it comes to Recipe for Turnabout, the first thing that comes to mind is either how on earth Tigre managed to flawlessly impersonate Phoenix and Jean Armstrong or the wriggling pink blob of terror that has simultaneously ravaged our psyches and the French language. However, when JP suggested the idea for this parody, I couldn’t help but imagine how devastated Winston was after hearing the news that not only was the Phoenix that he faced in the Tres Bien trial a phony, but that the real one took the case back to court and overturned the guilty verdict. As such, I felt that it was only fitting that this parody focus on Winston’s only in-game victory (as of the time of writing this), despite how short-lived it was.
JP: CzarThwomp brilliantly explores the world of Winston Payne, an often overlooked character. With “I Am the Winner,” CzarThwomp showcases his trademark talent for storytelling, crafting a hilarious narrative filled with quirky characters and absurd situations. You have to love his ability to infuse even minor characters with rich backstories and entertaining quirks.
“I am the Winner”
Sung to the tune of
“We are the Champions” by Queen
From “Glee”
Winston Payne was not respected as a prosecutor, or even as a person, by most people.
Whenever he walked through the halls of the Prosecutor’s Office or the courthouse, he was met with smirks and the occasional wisecrack about his height (or lack thereof), screechy voice, and/or how his pants made him look like he had no ass. Heck, half of the people at the Prosecutor’s office thought that Winston was the janitor, including the actual janitor himself, who had the screechy prosecutor’s pay cut on several occasions for supposedly neglecting his janitorial duties. Though it didn’t help that Winston primarily took on cases involving rookie defense attorneys who had never even stepped foot in a courtroom before, yet still lost the grand bulk of them.
But that wasn’t Winston’s fault- none of it was. For you see, Winston was the victim of a horrible curse that had plagued his family for the past century, dooming them to unending misfortune. Now, most people would argue that there are no such things as curses and that the plights that supposedly arise from them are merely a product of unfortunate coincidence, but Winston knew better. He not only had countless examples of failed prosecutors in the Payne Family across multiple generations, but also the totally unaltered, completely unbiased, 100% factual origin story of the curse that was passed down to him from his father, who heard it from his father, who heard it from his father and the one to receive the curse, the great, handsome, and benevolent prosecutor Taketsuchi Auchi.
It all started in November of 1897. The Empire of Japan was on the rise and had just recently signed a treaty with Great Britain, a political advancement that was only possible thanks to the unrivaled wit and charm of Taketsuchi, who had so moved British officials that they couldn’t help but weep tears of joy when in his presence. As such, when a British professor was murdered on Japanese soil, thus threatening the new friendship between the two nations that Taketsuchi had worked so hard to forge single-handedly, it was no surprise that the Japanese government had him serve as the prosecutor for this trial of utmost importance. But considering how the defendant-a rude, rash college student by the name of Ryunosuke Naruhodo, whose face frequently bore a demented, wide-eyed gaze of bloodlust-was so clearly guilty of the crime, Taketsuchi felt that any prosecutor could have been thrust into the role and won with ease. Though nevertheless, out of a desire to see justice prevail and to aid the country that was so reliant on his vast collection of wisdom that would make even the greatest of philosophers look like mere yokels by comparison, Taketsuchi accepted the case.
However, despite his impressive intellect and foresight, Taketsuchi was blind- blind to just what kind of twisted man Ryunosuke Naruhodo really was and the lows that he was willing to stoop to for the sake of victory. Determined to secure an acquittal and destroy the nation, Ryunosuke opted to defend himself so as to gain full control of the defense, thus giving him free rein to bluff, cross-examine testimonies, and even spread malcontent among the witnesses, thus turning them against each other and making them easy targets for his lies.
Taketsuchi did everything in his power to fight the good fight, attempting to establish order and clarity whenever possible by using valid, relevant evidence and airtight logic. But alas, despite his drive to preserve honor and justice, his genius, his silver tongue, and the blessings of a beautiful British gentlewoman, Jezaille Brett, whom that blackguard Ryunosuke had the audacity to attempt to frame his crimes on, it wasn’t enough, and after a long, long battle, evil triumphed. Jezaille Brett was arrested for the murder, Ryunosuke was free to terrorize the world once more, and Taketsuchi’s reputation was crushed.
However, despite emerging from the battle victorious, the forces of evil were not done with Taketsuchi. For you see, Kazuma Asogi, a corrupt, despicable cohort of Ryunosuke’s who had served as the blackguard’s counsel during the case, was envious of Taketsuchi’s intelligence, charisma, and devilish good looks, and therefore felt the need to strike him down so as to prevent him from ever hoping to oppose them and their evil ambitions ever again. And so Kazuma, with pure hate and malice in his small black lump of a heart, cast a dreadful curse on Taketsuchi that would cause him and his descendants nothing but misfortune for a thousand millennia or until they defeated Ryunosuke or one of his wretched descendants.
And so, for four generations, the Curse of Kazuma plagued the Winston’s family. Taketsuchi, who had been so beloved by the people, quickly went from being a prosecutor of great renown and influence to nothing more than a joke, a shell of his former self who lost nearly every case he was given after receiving the curse and only won the ones that he did by the skin of his teeth. Likewise, Winston’s grandfather and father suffered similar fates. Granted, they had never risen to the heights that Taketsuchi had reached in his prime, but nevertheless, their careers ended as failures, and they as laughingstocks.
However, things were different for Winston when he became a prosecutor. While his record took a hit after a seven-year-long perfect win streak, he was still winning a decent number of cases and was an overall respected person at the Prosecutor’s Office. In fact, it was during his time at the Prosecutor’s Office that Winston met and married the woman of his dreams, who gave him three lovely daughters.
Unfortunately for Winston, on April 11th, 2014, the Curse of Kazuma finally caught up to him when he went up against Mia Fey in court, where, despite his best efforts, she was successful in proving the defendant, Phoenix Wright, innocent of murder, resulting in him losing his hair and respectability as his career quickly devolved into the same legacy of failures that befell the three generations of prosecutors before him. Curious as to why the curse only seemed to take effect after that fateful trial, Winston went to work researching everyone involved, only to discover that Phoenix Wright was a direct descendant of Ryunosuke Naruhodo, the vile yokel himself!
So it should come as no surprise that when Winston learned that Phoenix Wright had followed in his morally bankrupt ancestor’s footsteps and became a defense attorney, he swore that he would become the young defense attorney’s greatest rival and would prosecute as many cases as he could against him in the hopes of finally breaking the curse and restoring his family to greatness.
But alas, no matter how much Winston tried, he couldn’t defeat Phoenix- even when the ace attorney went to court with total amnesia, the screechy prosecutor still came out of the trial with another loss to his name. The Curse of Kazuma was just too powerful.
But all of that changed on this day, December 4th, 2018, when Winston emerged from Courtroom No. 2, the place where the Curse of Kazuma had first struck him down and robbed him of his thick, luscious hair, with the biggest smile he had ever worn and his arms outstretched as if he had defeated a beast of legend. Though why wouldn’t Winston be happy? After all, on this day, he had finally defeated Phoenix Wright in court.
Overjoyed, Winston proceeded to take out his cell phone and dialed a number before holding it up to his ear, his body bobbing slightly from side to side as he tried to contain his excitement.
“Hello, Winston. How was your trial today?” A soothing, sweet female voice answered with a hint of concern.
“Gretta! Gretta! It finally happened!” Winston squealed.
“Really? You mean…”
“That’s right, Gretta! Blow out those candles on the altar in our bedroom dedicated to my great-grandfather and tell the girls to get their best outfits ready for a night of fancy dining because I finally defeated Phoenix Wright in court today and broke the Curse of Kazuma!”
“Really, honey! That’s wonderful!” Gretta jovially exclaimed. “I always knew that my handsome hubby and that big brain of his would come out on top one of these days!”
“Thanks, dear.” Winston grinned, his cheeks slightly reddening. “To be honest, I didn’t think I’d be able to do it. For some reason, Wright was getting really aggressive in there today, and by ‘aggressive’, I mean that he was yelling, threatening, and insulting me at the top of his lungs nonstop. I think he started taking steroids during his recent vacation because he was suddenly really buff and had a really noticeable tan. Thankfully, while Wright’s muscle mass, height, and temper may have drastically risen, his arguments and bluffs took a noticeable hit and were even more laughably flimsy than normal. So even though there were several times when the Judge and I were legitimately fearing for our lives- especially after Wright hopped over his bench and almost got into a fight with one of the witnesses after the guy kept throwing birdseed at him- I powered through, and with determination, Great-Granddaddy Taketsuchi giving me strength from beyond the grave, and that KIND Bar that you gave me this morning, I came out victorious!”
“Well, Winston, I couldn’t be any prouder of you! In fact, to celebrate, I’m going to bake up one of my world-famous Gretta Grand Slam cakes for you, me, and the girls to enjoy after we get back from the restaurant!”
“Ooooooooh!!!” Winston excitedly screeched at a tone that only dogs and dolphins could properly register. “Can you make it carrot cake!?”
“Of course, dear! Anything for your special night! And then after we’re done having cake and the girls have gone off to bed, I can give you another treat if you know what I mean…” Gretta whispered in a sultry tone.
“I’ll be counting the seconds, dear…” Winston sighed, his heart aflutter as his mind was filled with thoughts of the delightful dinner he would share with his family and the night of passion he would have with his wife, only to snap out of it upon seeing Phoenix- or rather, a tall, muscular man with a bad spray tan that only resembled the ace attorney in terms of his blue suit and spiky hair. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, Gretta, I have some business to attend to.”
After ending the call and returning the phone to his pocket, Winston strolled over to Phoenix(?), stopping him before the other man could exit the courthouse through the main entrance.
“Hello there, Mr. Wright,” Winston smirked as the tall, burnt carrot of a man turned to face him.
“What do you want, pipsqueak?” The other man asked, not trying in any way to hide how little he wanted to have this conversation.
“Well, we may have a heated rivalry, but because I view myself as bigger than that sort of thing, I just wanted to congratulate you for trying your best in court today, even though things didn’t go your way,” Winston stated as he tapped his forehead.
“What da hell are you talkin’ about?” The phony Phoenix asked with a visible look of confusion on his face. “I don’t know who the hell you are, and I don’t wanna know. And as for dat loss, I don’t give a damn. I got what I wanted.”
“Mr. Wright, Mr. Wright, Mr. Wright…” Winston smugly responded with a shake of his head. “No one likes a sore loser. Take it from someone who’s an expert in that field, kid: you’ll be better off if you just be the bigger man and accept your defeat with grace. Though speaking of which, while I may be a big enough man to put our rivalry aside to congratulate you, I’m not above telling you…”
At that moment, Winston proceeded to start singing.
{Winston}
The wait’s over,
My glory’s here.
My screams of anguish,
Drowned out by endless cheers.
And my failures,
They’ve been plenty.
I’ve been the butt of countless hurtful jokes,
Oh so many.
And I could go on and on and on and on,
But…
I’m at last the winner, old foe,
And I’ll no longer feel any woe.
I am the winner!
I am the winner!
No more tears for me,
Because I was the winner,
In that court!
My life full of pain,
My dignity none,
All because of the curse that Kazuma had cast on my name,
But it’s done.
That vile curse has been broken at last,
Dead in the pan.
This war between our families had been as long as the night,
And a plague on my clan.
But it won’t go on and on and on and on,
‘Cause…
I’m at last the winner, old foe,
And I’ll no longer feel any woe.
I am the winner!
I am the winner!
No more tears for me,
Because I was the winner,
In that court!
I’m at last the winner, old foe,
And I’ll no longer feel any woe.
I am the winner!
I am the winner!
No more tears for me,
Because I was the winner,
IN THAT COOOOOOOOURT!
“Well…” Winston panted. “What do you think of- Where did you go?” The screechy prosecutor asked, scanning the room upon realizing that Phoenix(?) had left sometime during the song. “Oh well, at least from this point onwards, things can only get better for me.”
With this new sense of pride and accomplishment, Winston confidently strode out of the courthouse, eagerly looking forward to the triumphs that his future had in store for him.
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