65 I’m Debeste
“I’m Debeste”
Sung to the tune of
“Be Our Guest” from Disney’s
Beauty & The Beast
“Yay! You’re finally home! Come into the dining room, Pops!” Sebastian Debeste cried excitedly, trying not to feel too dejected as he limply dropped his arms back to his sides, as the ebullient hug he’d just greeted his father with had gone unreturned. “I have a big surprise for you!”
“It’s late, y’know!” Blaise Debeste growled, barely hiding his grimace as his utter waste of sperm offspring grabbed his hand and dragged him through the grand foyer of the enormous mansion, towards the dining hall. “Shouldn’t you be upstairs studying for your big law exam tomorrow, instead of arranging what’s sure to be a total waste of both our times?”
“Have a seat, Pops and just relax while the servants get your dinner together,” Sebastian coaxed, barely masking his visible hurt at the cold words as he pulled out the plush wingback chair at the head of the table for the older man. “You’re looking trees fatty-gay!”
“What the blazes did you bray at me, boy?!” Blaise’s eyes narrowed dangerously at his son. “Did you just call me fat and gay?!”
“C’est français, Master Blaise,” Marie, the Parisian head chambermaid intervened quickly, rushing to the Chief Prosecutor’s side out of nowhere and dropping a linen napkin onto his lap with one swift hand while laying out his silverware with the other. “As you know, the young master has been studying the language as his course elective at the Legal Academy. He meant to say: très fatigue, as in,you’re looking a wee bit tired, that’s all! Now please, relax and enjoy the show.”
“Well, his accent stinks worse than a fat kid in a clown costume,” Blaise grumbled, already pulling out his ever-present lighter and flicking it agitatedly. “Wait – show? What show?!”
The lights in the room suddenly dimmed, including the great chandelier hanging overhead, and Sebastian appeared in the corner of the room, his trusty wand clenched in his gloved fist, and a dozen of the household servants lined up like a chorus choir behind him, an eager smile on his face.
“Don’t worry about my courses, Pops. There’s no need for me to study, because there’s no doubt I’m going to Ace that final prosecutor exam tomorrow, like I have this entire course!”
Sure, thanks to me paying off those corrupt school officials to keep pushing your imbecile arse through, Blaise thought sourly. Feigning your competency didn’t come cheap either!
“After all,” the clueless teen prattled on merrily. “There’s no doubt I’ll nip it in the butt! After all, as you always say, I’m the best! Or rather… cuz I’m Debeste!”
I’d hoped falsely bolstering his ego would make up for the lack of hugs over the years, Blaise lamented disgustedly, although making no move, as usual, to correct the misnomer on the lost cause of a boy. But all these years of grammar school and the idjit still can’t even get a common phrase right?! In context or pronunciation?!
“Ma cherry, Papa…” the future DA began, his terrible grammar, coupled with his wince-worthy French accent, prompting his father’s eyes to fill with self-pitying tears behind his goggles.
Just kill me now! Blaise facepalmed. If my idiot son’s total knowledge of law is anything like his grasping of French, the final cost of getting him to become a prosecutor is going to cost me a king’s ransom!
Blissfully unaware of his parent’s dark inner monologue, the bowl-cut youth continued with his preamble.
“Allow yourself to be compelled and bemused by this redundant spectacle I will be conducting – and performing! – With our hardworking staff tonight, Pops! So sit back and enjoy our version of a great classic from my all-time favorite movie!”
SEBASTIAN
{Sings}
I’m Debeste. I’m Debeste.
I’m a cut above the rest
Just eat and drink and be merry
Cuz I’ma ace that test!
Have no fear
Father dear
As you no doubt have observed
I’m a genius! Très ass-piss-shizz*
Ignore all slander! Pure delicious! **
Your offspring’s so advanced
He could be the King of France!
Second to none cuz y’know he is the best!
Go ask around and then you’ll
Find out that it’s all true
I’m Debeste
Oui, Debeste
I’m Debeste!
SEBASTIAN DEBESTE AND MAIDS
“Proud of you!”
Is what you’ll say
“That’s my son, the new DA!”
SEBASTIAN
I’ll stand tall and flick my hair
Upon this prideful glory day
I’m all grown
And prepared
Top of class it’ll be declared
See the fruits of all my training
After tonight’s entertaining
I am shrewd
And I’m slick
Like my brain, my wit is quick!
MAIDS
And your faith is not misplaced
Don’t you forget!
This boy is full of sass
But he has won free pass
Cuz he’s the best!
SEBASTIAN DEBESTE
Don’t you stress
Legal Einstein and Debeste!
MAIDS
He Debeste!
He’s Debeste!
He’s Debeste!
SEBASTIAN
Law’s meant for preserving
Goddess of Law I am serving
In hands of justice I place my fate upon
Oh, those late nights of study were brutal
Barely getting sleep from dusk till dawn
My own butt I have been busting
These raccoon circles disgusting
So that someday I’d get the chance to use my skills
Most days I’d ask: “is it worth all the hassle?”
You’d shout: “Stop being so lazy! Don’t quit now cuz it’d be crazy!”
BLAISE
{Sarcastically sings under his breath}
He’s Debeste! He’s Debeste!
Had no clue I was so blessed!
Thank the Lord he was smothered
For so long on his mother’s breast!
Has IQ of a flea
But y’know that’s fine by me!
Bought the false praise I’ve been cooing
Luckily that’s his undoing!
Thinks he’s smart, but he’s not
Such a pompous little snot!
How much further can this idiot regress?
MAIDS
We’re all so proud of you!
BLAISE
{Sings inaudibly}
Got a bridge to sell you!
A joke! Debeste?!
MAIDS
He’s Debeste!
BLAISE
{Smirking}
Yes…the best!
MAIDS
He’s the best!
He’s Debeste!
He’s Debeste!
He’s Debeste!
MAIDS
He’s Debeste!
He’s Debeste!
Prodigy! It is no jest!
Over the years we’ve wiped his tears and now
We’ll watch him beat his chest!
Master Blaise! Be appeased!
He will be the next Big Cheese
We’ll bask in the glow of knowing
He’s prepped for
The path he’s going
School is out! It’s all done!
Victory! Hurrah! He’s won!
Come and wish him well upon his legal quest!
Master come raise your glass up
Make a toast for your pup
He’s Debeste!
He’s Debeste!
He’s Debeste!
Yes, He’s Debeste!
“AHHHH!” Blaise screamed at the top of his lungs as he sprung up in his bed, breathing shallowly as he squeezed the life out of his red satin covers. “What the hell?! What even was that? There was a mansion, and maids, Sebastian being an idiot in two languages instead of one, and – Sebastian…!” The PIC Chairman growled, his eyes narrowing as he was overcome with the usual rage that he felt towards his son.
Being the vindictive, hate-filled man that he was, Blaise wasted no time in getting out of his bed and grabbing his lighter before storming over to Sebastian’s room, dressed only in his red satin boxers. Upon entering the room, he saw his little disappointment fast asleep in his bed, having a happy dream if the smile on his face – an act that the corrupt public official would not stand.
So with one swift, powerful tug on the naïve adolescent’s comforter, Sebastian was suddenly woken up screaming as he fell to the ground with a powerful thud, tears filling his eyes as he looked up at his father’s cold glare.
“What was that for, Pops? I was having so much fun dancing with Mr. Froggy and his talking unicorn, Sir Dippy Whippy!” Sebastian sobbed as he rubbed his knees, which were covered by the red felt of his footie pajamas. “Oh my gosh! I think my knees are scrapped!”
“Good! Now we’re even!” Blaise snarled as a large pillar of flame erupted from his lighter. “Y’see, maybe that’ll teach you not to appear in my dreams and start singing musical numbers! Y’know, I’m able to put up with all the stupid crap you do during the day, but when you start ruining my sleep with it, that’s where I draw the line, y’see! So stay out of my dreams if you know what’s good for you!”
“I-I’m sorry, Pops. I-I’ll never do it again…” Sebastian whimpered as his father stomped out of the room, grumbling numerous profanities under his breath as he slammed the door behind him.
Sebastian’s idiot-speak comedy of error translations:
*Ass-piss-shizz – auspicious
**Delicious – malicious
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