64 Irritator
“Irritator”
Sung to the tune of “Believer”
from the TV series Riverdale
[It was a slow day at the Prosecutor’s Office and Edgeworth was spending it casually reading a case file at his desk. However, his reading was cut short when Winston Payne burst into the office, glaring daggers at the Chief Prosecutor as he squeezed the life out of a newspaper clenched in his fist.]
[“You’ve got a lot of explaining to do, Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth!” Winston screeched as he stormed up to his superior’s desk, looking as intimidating as a Payne could look- which is to say, not very intimidating at all.]
[“I should be telling you the same thing. What gives you the right to barge into my office without even knocking?” Edgeworth sternly asked as he slammed his palm on his desk. “I realize that I haven’t been making life easier for you with all of the clutter I’ve been leaving around this office over the years, but that doesn’t give a janitor the right to cause such an outburst.”]
[“Objection!” Winston screeched at the top of his lungs. “I am NOT a janitor! I am a prosecutor! Though how would anyone know that since you’re busy sidelining us American prosecutors in favor of employing foreign guys from the middle of nowhere?!” The pathetic prosecutor yelled, holding up the newspaper that he had brought with him which contained a large picture of Nahyuta on the front cover and an article detailing how the foreign prosecutor was defeated by Apollo Justice in the case of State vs. Trucy Wright.]
[“I’ll have you know… I’m sorry, what’s your name?” Edgeworth asked with a perplexed look on his face.]
[“Payne! Prosecutor Winston Payne, a man who has worked here for over fifteen years and whose brother is the chief prosecutor of the country that you’re importing prosecutors from!” Winston snarled with a slam of his foot. “I can understand when you choose prosecutors like Gavin, Blackquill, and even that sad Debeste guy over me- they’re talented kids who need experience- but when you ignore me during a prosecutor shortage and even go as far as to bring in people from overseas to prosecute cases instead of simply walking down the stairs and handing me a case file, that is where I draw the line!”]
[“Do you truly feel that I’m doing this on purpose?” Edgeworth growled with crossed arms. “Do you honestly think that I would spend the money necessary to fly a prosecutor over here if I knew that there was one available in this very building? Perhaps we would be having this issue if you weren’t so forgettable, Mister… This is awkward, but I seem to have forgotten your name.” The Chief Prosecutor mumbled under his breath as he adjusted his glasses.]
[“PAYNE!” Winston screeched as he slammed his fist on his superior’s desk. “But if you’re having a hard time remembering, then maybe THIS will help!” The irritating prosecutor confidently stated before breaking out into song.]
[Payne]
First I’ll say,
I’ve put up with this abuse for too long,
But now I’ve reached my limit so I’m fighting back in song.
Do-dooh!
I’m fighting back in song.
Do-dooh!
Next I’ll tell,
How I hate that no one ever noticed me,
Here for at least fifteen years.
A shame, wouldn’t you agree?
Do-dooh!
Wouldn’t you agree?
Do-dooh!
My dreams were crushed at forty-nine,
But I haven’t let defeat keep me down,
As I’m in court fighting rookies,
Who laugh at me, sneer at me, bluff at me, ignore me,
And win the case in an hour,
Leaving me feeling so sour.
But you’ll never see me cower,
Because my name is Winston…
Payne!
They call me a,
They call me irritator,
Irritator.
Payne!
They keep on belittling me,
Irritator,
Irritator.
Payne!
Laugh at me all you want,
I’ll rise again,
Earned my job, pay, and hot wife because I’m…
Payne!
They call me a,
They call me irritator,
Irritator.
Third point’s up,
I may not be very demanded,
But at least my methods have never been underhanded.
Do-dooh!
Never been underhanded.
Do-dooh!
I’m always lost in the crowd,
A ninja hidden by a shroud,
The sun obscured behind a cloud,
My praises never sung aloud.
They’re overlooked,
My wit, good looks, and experience,
Disregarded, disdained,
But now I will scream it so loud,
You can’t ignore…
Payne!
They call me a,
They call me irritator,
Irritator.
Payne!
They keep on belittling me,
Irritator,
Irritator.
Payne!
Laugh at me all you want,
I’ll rise again,
Earned my job, pay, and hot wife because I’m…
Payne!
They call me a,
They call me irritator,
Irritator.
Last I’ll speak,
About how I possess a noble bloodline,
Related to Auchi the Great,
Who made crooks resign.
Do-dooh!
Who made crooks resign
Do-dooh!
His wit, good looks, and experience,
Disregarded, disdained,
But I’ll avenge his good name since,
You can’t ignore…
Payne!
They call me a,
They call me irritator,
Irritator.
Payne!
They keep on belittling me,
Irritator,
Irritator.
Payne!
Laugh at me all you want,
I’ll rise again,
Earned my job, pay, and hot wife because I’m…
Payne!
They call me a,
They call me irritator,
Irritator.
[“So, Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth, what do you think of me now?” Winston smirked with his hands on his hips.]
[“I don’t even know how to respond to that cacophonous insult to music, but one thing I do know is that they’ll be calling you Gumshoe after I’m done cutting your pay, Mister… What was your name again?” The Chief Prosecutor asked, a confused look forming on his face as he cocked his head to the side.]
[“Forget it!” Winston angrily huffed as he stormed out of the office, making sure to slam the door behind him as loudly as he could.]
[After the forgettable prosecutor left, Edgeworth just stared at the door in complete silence as he tried to process just what had transpired. However, that silence was quickly broken when the Chief Prosecutor pulled a notepad and a Steel Samurai pen out of one of his desk’s drawers.]
[“Note to self: Hire new janitor, posthaste.” Edgeworth mumbled to himself as he quickly jotted down a reminder to himself before returning the notepad and pen to their proper drawer.]
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