92 No Good Plight
“No-Good Plight”
Sung to the tune of “Drives Us Bats”
from the animated series Batman: The Brave and the Bold
It was a sunny summer afternoon and instead of being cooped up in their cells, the prisoners of Central Prison were allowed to enjoy it as they were herded out into the courtyard by several guards. Though on this day, instead of the courtyard being a wide-open environment in which there was more than enough space to move around in, the prisoners felt quite cramped due to a large wooden stage that was covered with an absurd amount of blinking neon lights taking up most of the area, atop which Warden Fred Leeman watched with a grin as his wards gathered before him and loudly grumbled about how there was nowhere to stand. But after some moving around, the prisoners went quiet as Fred began to speak.
“Good afternoon, prisoners, and welcome to the First-Annual Central Prison Talent Extravaganza! As you know, we’re holding this competition in order for you all to get to better know your fellow prisoners, thereby promoting harmony and goodwill, while also allowing newer inmates to feel more comfortable here. Anyways, our first contestant was originally going to be Lance Amano, but after getting a call from the prison physician notifying me that Kristoph Gavin is indeed a male, much to my surprise, I feel that it’s only fair that I let him start off the show. So everyone, give a big round of applause to Mr. Kristoph Gavin!”
At that moment, the crowd of prisoners started clapping as Kristoph walked from the side of the stage, taking the warden’s place in front of the microphone.
“Thank-”
“W-Wait a minute!” Lance objected as he rushed over to the warden and his fellow prisoner, clutching a piccolo in his fist as he glared at the two men. “You can’t just change up the order like that!”
“Oh, but I can and just did, Mr. Amano.” Fred responded with his usual jovial tone, albeit with a tiny hint of ire in his voice. “Now please, step aside, be quiet, and let Mr. Gavin perform.”
“But it’s not fair!” Lance pouted with a stomp of his foot. “I took the time to make sure that I filled out the first spot on the signup sheet! Not to mention, I practiced really, really hard in order to ensure that I started things off with a bang!”
“Well, Mr. Amano, Mr. Gavin could say the same thing when I made the mistake of moving him to the female section of the prison and making him perform in ‘Central Prison Waltz’ with those women… and Mr. Atishon.” Fred calmly retorted.
“Vote for Paul Atishon!” Paul shouted out from the crowd.”
“Thank you for that, Mr. Atishon.” The warden responded with a chuckle before regaining his composure with a sigh. “So anyways, Mr. Amano, if you continue to make things more difficult for Mr. Gavin, then things may get more difficult for you later this evening if you catch my drift…” Fred stated, his tone becoming much more sinister despite the grin on his face. “So are we going to have any further issues, Mr. Amano?”
In response, Lance simply nodded, his posture hunched over as he took a few quick steps over to the side of the stage.
“Good!” Fred chirped with a clap of his hands. “So without further ado, it’s all yours, Mr. Gavin!” The warden stated as he walked over to the side of the stage where Lance was standing.
“Thank you, Mr. Leemann. My performance will be a musical number that I personally wrote in dedication of Phoenix Wright, an idealistic, idiotic, scheming menace to society who I believe we all can agree is nothing but a no-good plight! Hit it!” Kristoph snarled with a snap of his fingers, causing a jazzy song to start playing from a pair of speakers located on either side of the stage.
{Kristoph}
He’s never seen without help,
Often a young, bubbly girl!
He spouts nothing but self-righteous clichés,
That make me want to hurl!
His magatama brings only blight,
It hardly makes for a fair fight!
That’s why we’re all in this prison,
Because he’s a no-good plight!
{All Prisoners Excluding Lance}
He’s a plight!
He’s a plight!
He truly is a plight,
Plight,
Plight!
He is our pliiight!
{Kristoph}
Whether he’s pressing all statements,
Or using some outlandish bluff,
He always comes out on top,
And we’re left in handcuffs!
He looks and acts like a slooob,
His strategies are triiite!
That’s why we’re all in this prison,
Because he’s a no-good plight!
{All Prisoners Excluding Lance}
He’s a plight!
{Kristoph}
The Turnabout Terror!
{All Prisoners Excluding Lance}
He’s a plight!
{Tigre}
Always gettin’ in da way!
{All Prisoners Excluding Lance}
He truly is a plight,
Plight,
Plight!
He is our pliiight!
{Yogi}
Even without a parrot on the stand…
{Nichody}
He proves to be a pest.
{Means}
Other lawyers always aaask…
{Daryan}
Why do girls grin at him with delight?
{All Prisoners Excluding Lance}
He is our pliiight,
He’s a pliiight,
He’s a plight!
Upon finishing his song, Kristoph was met with a roaring round of applaud from the other prisoners as Fred took his place at the microphone.
“Well, I think it’s safe to say that we have a winner! Everyone, give it up for our first-ever Central Prison Talent Extravaganza champion, Kristoph Gavin! Yaaaay!” Fred jovially exclaimed with a toothy grin as he took out a blue ribbon and pinned it to the ex-defense attorney’s lapel as the egotistical sociopath puffed out his chest in pride.
“B-But I didn’t get to play my song!” Lance angrily protested, squeezing his piccolo in his right hand as he glared daggers at the warden. However, the spoiled man’s pleas were completely ignored by the other prisoners, as well as the warden, as they continued to cheer for Kristoph.
“Well, with that taken care of, this concludes the First-Annual Central Prison Talent Extravaganza. So, let’s head on back inside the prison in a nice, orderly fashion so you all can continue to walk down the path to redemption. And remember, prisoners, I believe in you!” Fred chirped with a wave as several guards proceeded to herd the prisoners back into the building before going back in himself, leaving Lance on the stage, crying and alone as he played a sad little song on his piccolo.
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