3 No One Objects Like Edgeworth!
Chapter Notes
JP: I want to give mad kudos again to my co-pilot for this suggestion. Hope you guys like my attempt at song-fic comedy. It’s not my niche like funny man CT but hell, I tried!
CzarThwomp: We loved this idea on the grounds of knowing how devastated Edgeworth was after his first loss, what with him staring gloomily out his window while sipping tea, he’d need some major cheering up from everyone’s favourite underpaid detective.
No One Objects Like Edgeworth!
(Sung by Miles Gasworth and Detective Dickfou)
Parody of “Gaston” from Disney’s Beauty & The Beast)
Edgeworth:
Who does Wright think he is?
That rookie attorney has tangled with the wrong man!
No mere greenhorn defense could have defeated Miles Edgeworth!
Gumshoe:
Huh! Darn right, sir!
Edgeworth:
Case dismissed! Not Guilty!
Publicly degraded! Why, it’s more than I can bear!
Gumshoe:
More tea?
Edgeworth:
What for? Perfect conviction record vanquished! I am dishonored! Manfred will never forgive me!
Gumshoe:
Who, you? Never! Mr. Edgeworth, sir, you’ve got to turn that frown upside down!
Gumshoe:
Sir it bums me out to see you like this
Sitting hunched over and slumped
Ev’ry guy here’d love to be like you sir
Even when down in the dumps
There’s no man in court as esteemed as you
You’re an Ace Prosecutor type guy
Ev’ryone strives to be just like you sir
Lemme show you the evidence why…
Gumshoe:
*sings*
No one’s smart as Edgeworth
No one’s posh as Edgeworth
No one’s wallet’s incredibly thick as Edgeworth’s
For there’s no man in town half as wealthy
Perfect, a pure prodigy!
You can ask any Payne, Dick or Larry
And they’ll tell you on whose side that they wanna be
Gumshoe and Chorus:
No one’s keen like Edgeworth
A chess king like Edgeworth
Gumshoe:
No one’s got a cold, steely-eyed glare like Edgeworth
Edgeworth:
To all criminals I am intimidating!
Gumshoe and Chorus:
My what a champ, that Edgeworth!
Give five “HOLD-IT’s!”
Give twelve “TAKE THAT’s!”
Gumshoe:
Edgeworth is most cool
And the rest are all fools
Chorus:
No one objects like Edgeworth
Convicts crooks like Edgeworth
Edgeworth:
In a courtroom battle nobody points like Edgeworth!
Fangirls: (Wendy Oldbag/Rhoda Teneiro/Ema Skye) *fan themselves*
For there’s no man who slams their bench harder
Edgeworth *points to his biceps under his suit jacket*
I’ve got gym muscles hidden right here!
Gumshoe:
Not a bit of him’s flabby or spindly
Edgeworth: Indeed!
*tosses his head so his long bangs fly up and then fall back into immaculate place*
And I always have perfect, coiffed hair…
Chorus:
No one’s style’s like Edgeworth’s
Dresses sharp like Edgeworth
Gumshoe:
In the man’s fashion world nobody shines like Edgeworth
Edgeworth:
I’m especially good at accessorizing!
*whips out a pair of matching cufflinks to go with his ensemble*
Eureka!
Chorus:
No penalties for Edgeworth!
Edgeworth:
When I was a lad I read four dozen books
Ev’ry evening to help me grow smart
And now that I’m grown I’ve a genius IQ
Turned prosecution right into an art!
Chorus:
No other beaut like Edgeworth
Struts in suits like Edgeworth
Gumshoe:
Inspires frothing desire in the femmes like Edgeworth
Edgeworth:
I use logic in all my investigating!
Chorus:
We are ALL GUILTY of loving Edgeworth!
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