42 One Last Protégé
“One Last Protégé”
(Sung to the tune of “One Last Hope” from Disney’s
Hercules by Marvin Grossberg to an earnest Mia Fey)
{Grossberg}
So you want to be a defense attorney, my girl?
Well, good for you.
I’ve had countless protégés over the years, many so smart and shrewd,
But trouble they avoid,
Like me with a nasty hemorrhoid.
So don’t talk about your ideals with mirth,
Like you’re Gregory Edgeworth,
Begging me to teach you my keys to success.
And to that, my answer is –
[However, before Grossberg could respond, Diego- from his desk- splashed him in the back of the head with a mug of scalding coffee, glowering at his superior when the obese man turned to face his subordinate.]
[“Yes.” Grossberg reluctantly stated, earning a grin and a nod from Diego.]
[“Thank you, Mr. Grossberg!” Mia chirped with hope-filled eyes. “I promise that you won’t regret this!”]
[“Oy vey…” The portly attorney sighed with a slow shake of his head.]
{Grossberg}
I’ve lost hope of finding someone who’s fierce like a dragon,
A lawyer who fills the gravy train,
Not the paddy wagon.
The kind that wins cases,
Earning high wages,
Putting shock on all the prosecutors’ faces,
But no… I get a rookie shiksa.
I’ve been at this job for years and I’m getting bored,
Content to just sit back and enjoy the luxuries I can afford,
But you need a teacher,
A rabbi that’s not a preacher,
A guy who can give you every feature,
And- Oy gevalt! My hemorrhoids are going mad like some creature!
I’ll take one last protégé, and that’ll be you,
But please don’t make it a decision that I’ll rue.
I’ve taught enough rejects,
Who don’t have a clue.
You’ll be my last protégé, so you better come through.
[“Rule number one: No objection is complete without a strong finger-point. For example… Objection!” Grossberg proclaimed, thrusting his arm outwards in a pointing motion, the fatty appendage jiggling like gelatin. “Rule number two: when in doubt, bluff until you can’t bluff anymore. If you’re going lose, at least go down kicking. Rule number three…”]
[“Belittle your loyal subordinate who brings in over a third of your law firm’s revenue.” Diego retorted before taking a sip of coffee from one of the numerous mugs on his desk.]
[“That attitude isn’t helping your case, Diego.” Grossberg stated with a cold look. “Now where was I…? Oh, right!”]
Attorneys face impossible odds,
And are treated like a joke.
Not to mention all the close calls that’ll make you almost croak.
To be a good attorney, my girl, is quite the task,
You’ve got to hide your fear, like a face behind a mask.
It takes more than raw skill,
You need an iron-cladded will.
Not to mention a tireless work drive as you grow.
That kind of stuff.
I’m running low on energy and low on hemorrhoid cream,
So please hold all my teachings in high esteem.
You’re my last hope, my girl,
So don’t make me feel blue.
Always raise the bar,
Reach for the highest star.
You’re my last chance, my girl, and it’s all on youuu!
Yeah!
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