46 Poor, Unfortunate Mooks

“Poor, Pathetic Mooks”
Sung to the tune of “Poor, Unfortunate Souls”
from Disney’s The Little Mermaid

[Seated behind his gaudy gold desk, Tigre is busy drawing a crude doodle of him stabbing Bruto Cadaverini with a knife on a loose sheet of paper, when suddenly…]

[“What are you drawing, Don Tigre…?” Viola creepily whispers behind the loan shark’s back, the warm air from her breath hitting the back of his neck.]

[“D-Damn it, Viola!” Tigre growls, quickly tearing the paper to shreds. “Why youse always gotta go sneakin’ up on me like some damn ghost all da time?!”]

[“Sorry, Don Tigre… It’s… just how I am… Hee… Hee… Hee…” The mobster giggles with a mischievous grin.]

[“That don’t make it any less creepy! Now whaddya want?” The loan shark snaps.]

[“You’ve got… a client.” Viola nods, prompting Jean Armstrong to nervously enter the office.]

[“B-Bonjour, Monsieur Tigre.” The pink-cladded chef sheepishly states, his eyes pointing to the ground. “My name iz Jean Armstrong, and I would like to borrow $500,000 for my restaurante.”]

[“Damn!” Tigre exclaims with a wide eyes. “What kinda food are youse servin’, gold and caviar?”]

[“Non, c’est Francais. I need zee money for zee decor and zee bath oils zat I give to zee customers to ‘elp zem with their skin. For instance, given your complexion, I would say zat you need… une blend of tiger lilies et snapdragons.”  Jean states with his rose in his mouth, holding up a blue bottle.]

[“Gwoaaaaaaaaar! I ain’t usin’ no sissy ointment, ya damn puffball!” Tigre roars.]

[“Pardon moi, Monsieur Tigre!” Jean shrieks like a little girl, wasting no time in getting the detested bath oil out of the temperamental loan shark’s sight. “But vill you ‘elp me with zee matter of zis loan?”]

[Upon hearing this question, Tigre scowl turns to a grin before he begins singing.]

[Tigre]

I admit my business may seem a bit seedy,
Dey ain’t kiddin’ when dey say I’m with da Mob.
But you’ll see I ain’t nothin’ like ’em at all,
Understandin’, calm of temper, and a bit of a heartthrob.
It’s true, see?

And I’ve got oodles of cash,
My talents give me plenty of dat.
And lately, lucky for you,
I use it to help those who are desperate, hopeless, and have fallen flat,
Ya dig?

Poor, pathetic mooks,
At my door, in need. Pah!
Dat one wants to be a rebel,
Dat one’s got gambling debts,
And do I help ’em? Hell yeah!

Those poor, pathetic mooks,
So unfortunate, so sad.
Dey come flockin’ to my office,
Beggin’, “Money, Tigre, please!”
And I say to dem,
“Hell yeah, comrade!”

Now, sometimes there’s a little threat,
Where some mook can’t pay their debt,
And I had ta dig into dem with my hooks.
Yeah, there’s the occasional grumble,
But for de most part I’m quite humble,
To those poor, pathetic mooks.

[“Ok Pinky, I’ll give youse dat half a million for dat restaurant of yours…” Tigre states with a toothy grin.]

[“Merci, Monsieur Tigre! Merci!” Jean joyfully proclaims. “But I vhat if I am unable to pay you back? Vhat if zee customers do not appreciate zee improvements I vill make with zee money?”The chef asks, his expression becoming forlorn.]

[“I was just gettin’ ta dat.” The orange loan shark chuckles, lightly patting his client on the cheek. “See, if youse can’t pay off your loan, I’ll simply have youse do a couple of … favors for me.”]

[“Monsieur, I will not do zee murdering or zee stabbing or zee like!” Jean objects with a scowl on his face, puffing out his chest and moving his torso back and forth in some disturbing dance. “I ‘ave seen zee movies, and I vill not grind up your enemies and make them into une delicieuse dish and ‘ave one of
your rivals eat them! Pourquoi, I ‘ave only just gotten zee ‘ealth inspector to get off my back about zee rat meat I used to make my lobster bisque!”]

[“First off, Viola, remind me never to eat anything at dat guy’s joint.” Tigre states with a disgusted look on his face, to which his assistant nods in agreement. “And second, I ain’t plannin’ on doing nothin’ like dat. See, I just need a place I can use as a second base of operations for meetings, killin’ people, hidin corpses, and da like. So, whaddya say? We gotta deal?”]

[“I… I do not know, Monsieur Tigre… I-I don’t know if I can bring myself to allow those kinds of activities in my restaurant. And vhat if zee customers find out zat I got ‘elp from a loan shark?”]

[Once again, the loan shark decides to respond to the pink-cladded chef’s question by singing.]

[Tigre]

The customers don’t care where you get da money,
As long as da food’s up to snuff.
Yeah, as long as you got dat,
In your seats their asses’ll be sat,
And ain’t your money situation been rough?

Ain’t no one gives a damn about ethics,
People go around ’em whenever dey can!
But nobody will snub,
Da restaurant with da best grub,
And everyone will be your biggest fan!

C’mon, ya poor, pathetic mook!
Be a man! Roll da dice!
See, I’m a very busy guy,
Who ain’t got all day.
It won’t cost much,
Yourservitude’ll suffice!

Ya poor, pathetic mook,
It’s business,
It’s textbook.
If ya wanna take a gamble, fruitcake,
Ya can’t be a wimp and retract,
Scratch a back and get scratched back,
So sign da damn contract!
Viola, Bruto Punchin’ Bag,
I got him bagged!
I’m so freakingtaaaaact!

Dis poor, patheticmooooooook!

[Viola hands Jean a contract, which he proceeds to sign with a nearby pen as Tigre laughs maniacally.]