95 Putrando
“ Putrando”
Sung to the tune of “Sloprano (The Great Mighty Poo)”
From the N64 game
Conker’s Bad Fur Day
“Court is now in session for the trial of Trucy Wright.” The Judge announced for the court to hear.
“The defense is ready, Your Honor.” Apollo confidently stated as the opposing prosecutor, Nahyuta Sahdmadhi, a Khura’inese monk who was also his foster brother, just stood behind the prosecutor’s bench perfectly silent and motionless, his eyes closed as he held his right hand up and forming an ‘O’ with his index finger and thumb.
“And the prosecution?” The Judge asked as he directed his attention to Nahyuta, who continued to remain silent as he maintained his meditative pose. “Um, Prosecutor Sahdmadhi…?” The oblivious magistrate asked once again with wide eyes, resulting in an opera song beginning to play from an unknown source as the monk started to sing.
{Nahyuta}
Puuuuutrid…
I am Nahyuta Sahdmadhi,
And I will make you hate and despise me.
Ms. Wright’s guilt is the truth,
So I must smite this putrid youth!
For I am the Holy Mother’s voice!
Later in the trial, through the use of the fingerprint data, Apollo was on the attack by claiming that not only was the victim, Manov Mistree, killed by a third party, but he was murdered inside the coffin during the magic show.
“In other words, what if the victim was already dead in the coffin from the get-go?!” Apollo confidently asked with his best finger point.
“Oh, I see! In that case, the defendant’s sword wouldn’t have been the cause of death. How do you respond, Prosecutor Sahdmadhi?” The Judge asked as he looked over to the monk, who decided to sing his response as the opera music started to play again, only this time slightly faster.
{Nahyuta}
Do you really think you can win this trial?
Righteousness is with me, you putrid dolt!
Spiritual powers are based on others’ revile,
How else would I keep my scarf afloat?
“Hyah!” Nahyuta yelled before throwing his rosary at Apollo, which proceeded to wrap itself tightly around his massive forehead.
“Wh-What the heck is this?” Apollo exclaimed, his eyes wide with terror as he struggled in vain to remove the beads.
“Satora imaoman domosamashi detashinuke taregasayo sonoka!” The monk shouted after performing a series of hand gestures that wouldn’t be out of place in an episode of Naruto, resulting in the rosary tightening around Apollo’s skull and causing him to scream out in pain.
Despite numerous trials and tribulations, with things getting so bad for the defense that the Judge was in the middle of declaring Trucy guilty and was only stopped thanks to Apollo interrupting him and turning the case around with some quick thinking, after so much effort, the truth was finally coming to light. Apollo not only managed to prove that the sword that was used to kill the victim wasn’t the same one that Trucy stabbed into the coffin thanks to a slight of hand that she perform that allowed her to swap out the metal sword for a much more harmless rubber one, but that the victim wasn’t the real Mr. Reus, but rather an imitation act who was killed by the real Mr. Reus, Roger Retinz.
Being both a sleazy television producer and a man who was trained under the tutelage of Magnifi Gramarye, the King of Jerks, Roger put up quite the fight and was able to worm his way out of Apollo’s accusations. However, like with many corrupt criminals in the past, Mr. Reus was eventually cornered thanks to a flash of inspiration in that the reason why the victim’s finger prints were backwards in the coffin was because Retinz hadn’t anticipated the error that happened during the show.
“A person who was in the magic show… would never have made the mistake of putting the blood on the wrong side. Least of all Ms. Wright, who surely would’ve remembered she was on the other side.” Apollo smirked.
“Oh, my! You’re absolutely right!” The Judge exclaimed with a look of shock on his face.
“Nnnnnnngh…” Nahyuta growled as he pulled on his rosary and glared daggers at the horn-haired attorney. “Why, you impudent…”
“I’m sure you’ve already realized it by now, Prosecutor Sahdmadhi… that your claim that Ms. Wright is the culprit just doesn’t hold up.” Apollo stated with a confident look.
Though after the vertically-challenged attorney said this, the opera music began to play even faster than the last time.
{Nahyuta}
Now you’ve incited my holy rage,
You’re like a putrid, sinful, wretched, noxious smell!
Once the defendant’s guilt has been gaged,
Her Holiness will damn you both straight to Hell!
{Apollo}
To Hell?
{Nahyuta}
To Hell!
{Apollo}
To Hell!?
{Nahyuta}
That’s right!
To Hell!
{Apollo}
No!
{Nahyuta}
To Hell!
{Apollo}
You’re insane!
{Nahyuta}
To Heeell!
“Objection! Really? Ms. Wright and I? Because I’d think you’re the one with a ticket there for trying to convict an innocent girl.” Apollo smugly retorted, prompting Nahyuta to belt out one final verse as he pulled at his rosary.
{Nahyuta}
Putriiiiid!
Putriiiiiid!
Putriiiiiiid!
Putriiiiiiiid!
PUTRIIIIIIIIIIIIID!
Eventually, the rosary couldn’t handle the tension any further and snapped, causing the beads to hit the monk in the face in a rapid-fire fashion, resulting in him being launched slightly in the air and landing on the floor behind the prosecutor’s bench back-first.
Apollo smirked.
“Now that’s what I call divine judgement!”
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