84 Simon Keyes
“Simon Keyes”
Sung to the tune of “Macavity”
from the Broadway musical, Cats
After getting his prosecutor’s badge back after the whirlwind of trials and tribulations that he had experienced over the past several days, Edgeworth wanted nothing more than to resume his duties and for things to go back to normal- at least, as normal as things could be in this crazy city.
However, before that could happen, there was one finally thing that Edgeworth, Kay, Gumshoe, Sebastian, and John had to see before they could finally put this mess behind them: the trial of Simon Keyes, the mastermind behind the hell that was the previous two weeks who was finally brought to justice thanks to Edgeworth’s legendary logical prowess and the help of the others.
That was why the group was currently sitting in the front row of the gallery packed full of whispering people, watching as Simon, who was standing before the court dressed in a suit with his haired styled in the way it was when he was in his kind and meek persona, his nervous gaze darting back and forth from his defense attorney, Raymond Shields, to the prosecutor, Franziska von Karma.
Neither Edgeworth nor Sebastian was allowed to prosecute the trial due to how both of them had negative experiences with the defendant that could make them more inclined to utilize more unethical methods- for the former, the plot of kidnapping his assistant and using him as essentially a logic-wielding attack dog, and for the latter, succeeding in having his father arrested. Sure, Blaise was an evil, psychotic man with so little regard to morality that it wouldn’t be a surprise to anyone if the Devil sold him his soul, but he was still Sebastian’s father.
However, Simon wasn’t so fortunate in regards to the judge presiding over the trial, Justine Courtney, who didn’t even try to mask her disdain for the mastermind as she glowered at him with a cold fury. Under normal circumstances, Justine wouldn’t have been allowed to preside over this trial for the same reasons why Edgeworth and Sebastian were barred from prosecuting it, but given Justine’s position as acting P.I.C. Chairman while the committee searched for someone to replace Blaise, she was able to pull a few strings to ensure that these weren’t normal circumstances. Sure, Justine felt a tinge of guilt for her actions- as a loyal servant of the Goddess of Law, it was her duty to act impartially towards all defendants in order to ensure that trials are fair and just- but those feelings were quickly replaced with rage when she remembered how this miserable excuse of a man kidnapped John, her son, and held him hostage in a cold warehouse. So, for the first time in her career as a judge, Justine mentally disregarded the traditional justice associated with the Goddess of Law in favor of the overprotective motherly kind typically displayed by soccer moms- the kind in which Mama Bear rips into anyone who dares to mess with her cub like Yogi Bear on a picnic basket.
“M-Mr. Shields, a-are you sure you can get me a lighter sentence?” Simon nervously asked, his hands covering his eyes. “Because I think that Courtney may still be upset at me for kidnapping her son.”
“Don’t worry, Simon.” Ray nonchalantly replied with outstretched arms. “Courtney-pie may look scary, but I know that deep down, she won’t go too hard on you. But if things start to go south, I’ll simply present some evidence in the form of Exhibit Hug.”
“Mr. Shields, I have already warned you about trying to offer me hugs…” Justine growled.
“But, Courtney-pie, I-” Ray tried to reason, only to be cut off by the slam of the judge’s gavel.
“I will not tolerate any excuses, Mr. Shields! I hope that this penalty teaches you to control your arms and your mouth!” Justine snapped, prompting about a third of the green bar above the defense attorney’s head to deplete.
“I don’t mean to sound critical, Courtney-pie, but don’t you think that you’re being a bit… hostile?” Ray timidly asked with saucer-sized eyes and his hands raised up in front of his torso.
“What’s that?! You wish for me to give you a second penalty?! Well, who am I to deny your wishes, Mr. Shields?!” Justine snarled, slamming her gavel and causing another third of the green bar to deplete. “Any other comments, Mr. Shields?” The judge asked in her typical polite voice, flashing the terrified defense attorney her typical warm grin.”
“I-I’m good, Courtney-pie.” Ray squeaked with his hands still raised.
“Excellent. In that case, Prosecutor von Karma, your opening statement, please.” Justine calmly asked with an extended hand.”
Courtney-pie may be completely out of her gourd, but at least that cute von Karma girl is still on our side and will help to ensure that Simon receives a fair trial. Ray thought to himself as he started to calm down, only for his eyes to widen again upon being hit with a realization. What am I saying, this is a von Karma we’re dealing with! With Courtney acting like a deranged soccer mom and that von Karma girl’s family history, this trial’s going to be quicker than most of my first dates- and just like those dates, it will probably end painfully and with a lot of tears. Hopefully, this girl isn’t as bad as her father and shows some mercy…
But unfortunately for both Ray and Simon, Franziska took harshness to a whole new level by delivering her opening statement in the form of a song.
{Franziska}
Simon Keyes is a conniving man,
People say he’s a mastermind,
He commits the most heinous of crimes,
Yet links to him you won’t find.
He’s the bane of the LAPD,
A prosecutor’s pain,
Because when his crimes come to light,
Simon Keyes can’t be blamed!
Simon Keyes!
Simon Keyes!
No one’s the peer of Simon Keyes!
He acts without moral restraint,
He does whatever he pleases!
His skills of manipulation,
Are what Satan has sought,
Because when his crimes come to light,
Simon Keyes can’t be caught!
You can question him in the jail,
Or in the circus or such,
But you might as well walk away since,
Simon Keyes can’t be touched!
Simon Keyes is a ginger man,
Of average height and weight,
If you saw him, your hair would stand up straight,
For his eyes are filled with hate.
His mouth is packed with pearly teeth,
And always shows a sneer.
His hair is combed and well-styled,
And moisturized with tears.
His eyes have dark rings around them,
Like he hasn’t slept in days,
And when you think he’s been caught,
He somehow gets away!
Simon Keyes!
Simon Keyes!
No one’s the peer of Simon Keyes!
He can have several people killed,
While being subtle like a breeze!
He might kidnap you at Gourd Lake,
He might spy on you at Grand Tower,
But if these plans do go sour,
Simon Keyes won’t cower!
He might look foolish and timid,
{Justine}
I know he cheats at chess.
{Franziska}
And he has no police record,
Not even a petty crime’s printed,
And when Knightley’s been murdered,
Or Jill Crane’s body’s been found,
Or Kay’s left with amnesia,
Or John Marsh is nowhere around,
Or when a body double’s killed,
And Lang is a broken mess,
There is a clear certainty:
Simon Keyes feels no stress!
Simon Keyes!
Simon Keyes!
No one’s the peer of Simon Keyes!
There never was a man of such deceitfulness and suavity.
He always has an alibi and one or two to spare,
So whenever the crime took place,
Simon Keyes wasn’t there!
And they say that all of the manipulators that we’ve seen-
For example: Dahlia Hawthorne, Lance Amano, Luke Atmey-
Are just rank amateurs compared to Mr. Simon Keyes,
The fool who has played us like fools,
A modern Machiavelli!
Simon Keyes!
Simon Keyes!
No one’s the peer of Simon Keyes!
He can have several people killed,
While being subtle like a breeze!
He might kidnap you at Gourd Lake,
He might spy on you at Grand Tower,
But if these plans do go sour,
Simon Keyes won’t cower!
“Out of curiosity, what do you have planned for the next 40 years?” Ray asked in a serious tone as he glanced over at his client whose eyes were saucer-sized, whose teeth were clenched, and whose body was stiff as a board before finally succumbing to the stress and fainting backwards, hitting the ground with a loud thud.
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