44 The Hardcore Wocky Kitaki

 

“The Hardcore Wocky Kitaki”
Sung to the tune of
“The Elegant Captain Hook” from
Disney’s  Peter Pan

---

At Cee O’Cheets Elementary School playground, the fourth-graders are enjoying their recess- some kids are running around playing tag, some are playing catch, and others are pushing the socially awkward kid down the slide against their free will while repeatedly yelling ‘Sacrifice!’

Though all of that comes to an end when a Mercedes-Benz with gold chrome alloy wheels that are blaring loud rap music stops in front of the school before Wocky and five men dressed in suits exit the vehicle and walk into the playground. Intrigued by these unusual people, the children stop what they’re doing and form a circle around the visitors; at which point, one of the men takes out a boom box, places it on the ground, and turns it on as he and the others- with the exception of Wocky- start singing.

---

{Gangsters}

Yo yo,

Yo yo,

Yo yo, yo yo, yo yo,

If you wanna be seen as tough,

Then you’ll need to become a G.

So don’t be a fool,

Instead be cool,

And work for Wocky Kitaki,

The world’s most hardcore OG.

---

{Disgruntled Gangster}

Cocky,

Bossy,

Sticky, wimpy, and a big sissy,

I haven’t met anyone who’s more

---

[However, the man is cut off when one of the other larger, more muscular men hits him on the head with a small metal pipe, instantly knocking him out.]

[“Right on, G.” Wocky nods at pipe-wielding mobster.]

---

{Wocky}

I like you little guys, fo’shizzle,

So I’ve gotta deal for you.

If you join me and make it official,

I’ll get ya cool tattoos.

---

[Wocky rolls up his sleeve to reveal a fake heart tattoo that’s starting to flake off of his arm that reads ‘Mom’.]

---

{Wocky}

It’ll really boost your street cred!

But before you decide, this has to be said:

If ya refuse, my homies’ll put a cap in yo head!

So what are ya gonna do?

---

{Gangsters}

So what are ya gonna do?

Yo yo,

Yo yo,

Yo yo, yo yo, yo yo,

You’ll be seen as the tough of the tough,

You’ll get as rich as can be.

It’s a whole lot of fun when ya make some noise,

Beatin’ down punks with ya bizzzoys!

So sign up and you’ll see,

Why you should join Wocky!

---

“Students, get back in the school! NOW!” A teacher- an overweight, middle-aged woman with curly brown hair- exclaims as she frantically escorts the children into the building.

“Mrs. Cherswick, who are those weird guys?” A little girl asks with a hint of panic in her voice.

“A reminder of why you should stay in school.” The educator remarks, casting a brief glare at the mobsters. “Now I want you and all of your classmates to read Chapter 17 in history book while I call the police.”

Once the playground is devoid of people, Wocky can’t help but scream and slam his foot on the ground out of frustration.

“Damn! This be whack, fo’shizzle! First, the high-schoolers try to beat us up, then the middle-schoolers throw trash at us, and now this! Guess we gotta go even younger. Let’s hit the preschool.”

“Mr. Kitaki-” One of the gangers tries to talk with a tone and look of unease, only to be interrupted by his superior.

“Aw, hell nah! G, ‘Mr. Kitaki’s’ what you call my withered-ass old man! Me, you refer to me by my gangsta name- OG Bling-Bling Crackshot! You readin’ me, homes?” Wocky snarls, leaning forward with his hands on his hips as a show of dominance.

“Yes… OG Bling-Bling Crackshot.” The gangster hesitantly replies as he awkwardly scratches the back of his neck. “Though as I was saying, aren’t preschoolers a bit too young for our organization?”

“Don’t you be dissin’ them preschoolers, G. They can be hardcore as hell when they wanna be. One time, I tried to take a lollipop from some little kid- ’cause I’m gangsta like that’- and the little brat punched me right in ma bowling balls!” Wocky angrily retorted with crossed arms.

“Sorry I asked…” The gangster replied with an unimpressed look on his face.

“Don’t sweat it, G. Just help the others load up the boom box and Flippin’ Fred into the back of my whip. If we’re quick, we may be able to get to the preschool right when snack time ends and the little bizzoys and girls are in a good mood.”

“Yes, sir.” The subordinate gangster replies as he and the others place their unconscious friend and the boom box in the back of the car before getting in themselves so they could be driven to their next location and further humiliated by the cringe-worthy son of their respectable boss.]