83 Tyrell Badd

“Tyrell Badd”
Sung to the tune of the theme from the
original cartoon series song
“Spiderman”
(1967 TV cartoon series version)

“Cheers to my Uncle Badass!” Kay declared, raising her ginger ale – her law-bending but nevertheless abiding uncle refused to let his underaged teenage niece consume any alcohol despite it being a special occasion. “For dodging a prison sentence… Bringing my father’s killer to justice, and being the best crack shot in all of Los Angeles!”

“I’ll drink to that!” Tyrell Badd cracked a half-smile as he lifted his beer glass and clinked it first against the raven-haired girl’s, then against the lifted glasses of Raymond Shields, Miles Edgeworth, and Dick Gumshoe. “But I think Mr. Shields deserves a lot of the credit for the fact that I’m not in prison for some of my…controversial methods in trying to bring down Calisto Yew thanks to his second-to-none defence.”

“Pleasure was all mine.” Shields grinned at the detective. “Although by now, Uncle Ray knows better than to try to commemorate this celebration by offering you a hug!”

“Let’s not forget to give credit to Mr. Edgeworth,” Gumshoe added loyally. “He was the biggest part of bringing down that whole smuggling ring!”

“And essentially chopping down that gnarled withered old talking tree known as Alba with his kick-ass cross-examination!” Kay agreed, raising a gloved hand to smother back a snicker. “To Mr. Shields and Mr. Edgeworth!”

“Cheers!” The friends chorused, clinking their glasses again.

“I may be biased of course,” the Yatagarasu suddenly turned serious. “But I wouldn’t even be here at this tavern right now with you guys if it hadn’t been for the itchy trigger finger of my favourite detective!”

“Here, here!” Gumshoe enthused, beaming at his mentor. “All these years later, nobody has better gunmanship than you, Pops!”

“Holy Odin and all the little cherubs… it’s really hitting me! I would’ve been a goner when that she-thing held that pistol to my head, if it wasn’t for you, Uncle Badd.” Kay shuddered slightly at the memory. “But then…BAM! Out came that gun and bitch would have gone down!”

“And I wouldn’t have even batted an eyelash,” Badd said gruffly. “That fork-tongued lizard witch would be down there waxing Satan’s taint right now if it hadn’t been for the bone-headed interference of a certain Wolf Man!”

“Luckily for Lang, his leg is as thick as his skull!” Miles commented wryly.

“That’s a fact, pal!” Gumshoe nodded, biting back a snicker as he took a big chug of beer, then flushed as the prosecutor arched an eyebrow at his subordinate for the over-familiarity, even though they were off the clock. “Um, yes, that’s right, Mr. Edgeworth, sir!”

“All that matters is you saved a life and still got your man in the end, Detective Badd.” Shields tipped his fedora as a show of reverence. “You’re a hero, detective.”

“Hells yeah he is! Best the LAPD ever had – er no offence, Gummy!” Kay jumped up from the table and grabbed the large pepper grinder. “Because just like the song… Tyrell Badd is Badd To The Bone!”

Badd’s lips twitched as he jutted his chin at the wooden object in his niece’s hand, which she was holding up like a microphone.

“Kiddo, what are you doing with that thing?”

“Paying homage to my hero, of course!” Kay’s eyes sparkled with fondness and gratitude. “A man like you deserves his own theme song!”

The ninja girl then proceeded to serenade her Uncle right there, in front of her amused friends and present patrons.

Tyrell Badd, Tyrell Badd, best flatfoot that LA had
Bullet holes in his trench, in his teeth a lolly’s clenched
Watch out, here comes Detective Badd

 Made of steel and of sass, screw with him, he’ll kick your ass
Gunshots fly overhead. He’s the man all crooks dread.
Beware! There goes Detective Badd

His mission’s to catch all those guilty of crime
They can run but not hide, he’ll nab them every time

Tyrell Badd, Tyrell Badd, best flatfoot that LA had
Criminals, be en garde, he’ll put you behind those bars!

He is the ex Yatagarasu, break laws and he’ll cuff you
Can’t foil Detective Badd!

When she was done, the customers within earshot all burst into applause. Undaunted, Badd merely shrugged and popped a lollypop in his mouth, then regarded the plucky teen with a sombre expression that belied the affection in his gruff tone.

“Thanks for the kudos kid.” He cleared his throat and affected his typical stolid expression. “But stick with being the next generation Yatagarasu, since you just proved you’re more of a crowing raven than a songbird. Don’t quit your day job!”

Rather than look affronted, The Great Thief simply walked behind her Uncle’s seat and wrapped her arms around his neck from behind in a warm hug.

“I love you, too, Uncle Badd.”