8 Concealing the Evidence

Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth
Edgeworth’s Penthouse, Los Angeles

“Key go down the hole and go whoosh!” Ace added helpfully, just in case nobody had been clear on the meaning of his words.

“Should I take that as my cue, Sir?” Hendricks re-entered the living room, obviously overhearing the burial at sea key confession. “I have finally managed to remove the painting from your walls and the unwanted deposit in your bidet, as well as drained your former wading pool lavatory and restored it to drier floor order. Shall I include fishing for a pair of estranged handcuff keys as part of the repertoire, while I snake the loo now?”

Edgeworth nodded and continued rubbing what was sure to become a hole into his temples.

“I don’t know how long I will be, though, Sir,” Hendricks told him. “That commode was clogged to the dickens!” He cast a scrutinizing glance at the twins’ shackled ankles. “Might I suggest that you contact the handcuff owner to see if he has spare keys handy?”

“The handcuff owner?” The blue attorney gaped at the butler in surprise and arched an eyebrow at Mila and Gregory. Apparently, there was a very important part of the twins’ retelling of events, which he and Edgeworth either had missed or had been omitted!

“Indeed, Mr. Wright. If I’m not mistaken those are the very same pair of handcuffs that your friend Police Chief Gumshoe forgot when he was visiting the other day. Most curious how the twins could’ve gotten their hands on them, however.”

“Oh?” Phoenix prompted, casting a suspicious glance at his best friend. A fiery blush began to spread across Edgeworth’s cheeks.

“Why, yes. I could’ve sworn I put them atop the highest glass shelving in the corner of the living room there, completely out of children’s reach, where the Master’s most valuable, limited edition Steel Samurai memorabilia is locked away…”

“Yes, indeed it is quite a mystery.” Edgeworth coughed. “That will be all, Hendricks; do let me know when the bathroom is safe for reentry again.”

“Will do, Master Edgeworth. Might I take the liberty of making one more suggestion?”

With the obscene salary I am now forced to pay you, Hendricks, I imagine you are allowed a free pass to take whatever liberties you wish, as it is painfully aware that you now have me by the proverbial short and curlies! Edgeworth grumbled to himself. In fact, it wouldn’t shock me in the least if you bought yourself a shiny new Rolls Royce with your newfound riches, with the personalized vanity plates, I-OWN-U!

“On the off chance that you were at all considering calling a locksmith, instead of contacting your friend Gumshoe, to come to free your children from those cuffs…” A knowing smile twitched on Hendricks’ lips. “I just wanted the Master to be aware that perhaps a trip from the seventh floor of this building might result in a quicker arrival, than that of any locksmith you may find. After all, I am presuming your goal is to try to restore order before the return of your wives, as the hour is indeed growing late, and the last call at the bar is at 2 o’clock. This, however, is supposing they aren’t already if you pardon the expression, completely pissed already.”

Huh? How could they be pissed already? Phoenix was bewildered. I thought we had avoided A Time to Kill thus far because Franziska and Maya still have no idea what shit went down tonight! Not yet, anyway! Pun not intended!

The flummoxed expression on the blue attorney’s face was impossible to miss, and the butler couldn’t suppress a smirk while he clarified.

“Apologies for any confusion my British colloquialism may have caused. The context is not to be confused with our other famous English expression, which is taking the piss, something I profess I enjoy perhaps a tad too much with you, as you just make it so easy, Mr. Wright!” Hendricks’ eyes were dancing with merriment as Phoenix blushed. “In this instance, however, I meant it in drinking excessive terms, or, as you Yanks would so quaintly say…” he stopped speaking then and silently mouthed the word, shitfaced.

Clearing his throat then, the dignified Englishman regained his composure and assumed his air of austerity once more.

“Anyhow, that was all I wished to convey. I shall be off to confront…the John.” He gave the lawyers a mock salute, squared his shoulders, assumed his most ready-for-battle expression, and off he went.

The minute he was gone, the spiky-haired man whirled around to face the Chief Prosecutor, who was suddenly preoccupied with wiping his glasses on a lens cloth and pretending not to notice Phoenix’s ferocious glare.

“Those handcuffs belong to Gumshoe?!” He echoed incredulously. “As in Chief Gumshoe, who could have been here ages ago?!”

Edgeworth didn’t answer.

“And you were just… sitting there silently when your children could’ve been freed because you were too embarrassed to call our friend, who lives in this same building, all this time?!” Phoenix was fuming as he pointed an accusing courtroom finger at the other man. “Exactly who is the imbecile now, Edgeworth?!”

“I was… distracted by the whole kitchen and bathroom debacle!” Edgeworth retorted defensively, looking away from Phoenix’s condemnatory gaze. “Er, now that we have Hendricks here to attend to those matters, I shall call him posthaste.”

The prosecutor made a big show of looking through his cell phone contacts.

“Gumshoe recently changed his phone number, so I’m not sure if I have the new one…”

“Edgeworth, will you get over yourself and curb your blasted pride already?” Phoenix shook his head in disgust. “With all this stalling, I’m wondering if it’d be faster for me to just run downstairs and fetch him myself! Oh for Pete’s sake, stop pretending to scroll and just use my phone already, as I have his number on speed dial!”

“Pipe down, Wright, I am calling him now! No need to nag!” Edgeworth scowled and at last, dialed the number.

The children just sat there and stared at their fathers in dumbfounded silence.

“Guys, why do our Daddies always wind up bickering like an old married couple whenever they’re together?” Mia whispered to the twins, making sure the men couldn’t hear. “Daddy and Mommy don’t even get this bad!”

“They sound worse than our Mommy and Daddy whenever they’re fighting, too!” Mila hissed back, with Gregory nodding in silent agreement.

“Mommy says they sound more like foolish schoolboys than anything else, and one is no better than the other, as they’re both a couple of foolish fools who argue over completely fool-hearted foolery!” The little boy added, and then quickly shushed them as Gumshoe finally came on the line.

“What’s up, pal?”

“Gumshoe, it’s me.” The prosecutor began brusquely, without preamble. “I urgently need you to come upstairs to the penthouse immediately. It’s a matter of utmost importance.”

“Um, sure, no problem, although is there any way this could maybe wait about 20 or so minutes? Klavier called me on the other line to talk about a case, but then we started watching A Time to Kill together…”

“No it cannot wait, but that ridiculous movie, with all its inconsistencies and legal inaccuracies, most certainly can!” Edgeworth barked. “I need you to come up with the spare key to your handcuffs! The twins somehow have locked themselves together and lost the keys!”

“They what?!” Gumshoe sounded like he was trying hard not to laugh. “How on earth did that happen?!”

His mirth only served to further grind Edgeworth’s already frayed nerves.

“Perhaps because your foolish self forgot them here at my house! Gumshoe, this is all your fault! I insist that you come up here, posthaste!”

“Um you do know that you’re the one in need here and that you are no longer my boss, don’t you Miles?” Gumshoe spoke pleasantly enough, but there was an underlying edge to his voice. “So, I’m sure you are also aware that you can no longer command or threaten to cut my salary, in order to make me do your bidding, right pal?”

Translation: I don’t have to put up with your shit anymore and I won’t!

Phoenix overheard the implied, unspoken, but loudly heard words of their normally good-natured friend in the otherwise silent room and groaned inwardly.

Gah! Why didn’t I just make the call instead?! He silently screamed. Dammit, Edgeworth, you’re asking him for a favor! Can you not be a pompous, presumptuous douchebag just once?!

“You’re right,” Edgeworth sighed in defeat and affected a more cajoling and pleading tenor. “There is no excuse for my tone and manner, and I apologize. But, please understand that as we now speak, on top of my children looking like members of a mini-chain gang, minus the garbage spikes, they have also somehow given themselves the most atrocious hairdo’s known to man, and my son, since he cannot wear pants, has been reduced to wearing my daughter’s best church dress.”

“I’m very sorry about that, Miles,” the police chief replied mildly, although his tone was now rich with amusement. “I do remember now that I left the handcuffs at your place the last time I was over. I guess I downed too much cognac with you during that game of chess! But I could’ve sworn I left the cuffs sitting atop your fireplace mantel, which is too high for the kids to reach… However, did they manage to get their hands on them?”

“That is not the matter of relevance at the moment, now, is it?” Edgeworth hastily cleared his throat. “I fully recognize that I am no longer your superior and ergo, cannot order you to come here. But Dick, as my longtime friend, I’m imploring you to put aside your movie, and come help me in this desperate time.”

It was the unaccustomed humility behind the normally haughty prosecutor’s words that sprang the chief into action.

“I’ll be there right away, pal,” Gumshoe promised. “I just need to let Klavier go. Tell the twins to sit tight!”

“I guarantee you they shall – because they have no other choice! Ah, there’s just one more thing, before you go…” Edgeworth hedged cautiously. “Since you’re talking to that pretty boy prosecutor already… there was something I was hoping you could ask him on my behalf?”

Phoenix Wright, Miles Edgeworth, and Dick Gumshoe
Edgeworth’s Penthouse, Los Angeles

Just over a quarter of an hour later, there was a knock at the door and the chief of police was ushered in by Edgeworth into the living room.

“What took you so long?” The chief prosecutor demanded crossly, frowning at his friend. “You only live 23 floors down!”

“Well, I had to let Klavier go first!” Gumshoe defended, putting his hands up in mock surrender. “To do so, I had to explain the gist to him as to why I was bailing on our telephone movie night. And then, of course, I had to wait for him to stop laughing…”

“I’m assuming you spared him none of the grisly details!” Edgeworth glared at him. “So amidst the two of you cawing and cackling like a couple of crows at my misfortune, did you at least manage, perchance, to inquire about that other little thing to him?”

“Um, yeah, I did.” Gumshoe grinned sheepishly and scratched his head. “Golden boy was pretty offended by the assumption, let me tell you! He went off on this long tangent and said something along the lines of: “Achtung, baby! You tell Herr Bangs that just because I have long, lustrous, satiny hair – which no, I don’t dye, and that is my natural hair color!- which you all jeeringly say is as pretty as a girl’s, ja, does not mean I have the know-how of how to cut it!”

Natural hair color, my foot! The Chief Prosecutor smirked to himself. Him, Niki Minaj, and Katie Perry!

“Humph! You can later convey my apologies for offending his delicate sensibilities with my oh-so-outré presumption!” Edgeworth retorted, crossing his arms huffily. “I assumed there was no harm in asking.”

“Well if you want me to be completely honest…” Gumshoe mumbled awkwardly. “What he actually first told me to tell you when he heard you make the hairdresser query of him were three words: Come Blo Me.”

Edgeworth reared back, stunned at the words, for a split second right before he completely unraveled!

“What?! The audacity of that impudent, uncouth, glimmerous fop!” The prosecutor’s eyes were blazing with indignant fury. “Has that foul-mannered crass-talking, Schwein completely forgotten that I am his boss!”

“But, Miles…” Gumshoe interjected helplessly. “You don’t understand…”

However, Edgeworth was too incensed to listen to either reason or logic as he continued his tirade.

“Mark my words, Klavier Gavin will rue the day he hath dared such impertinence! Why I’ve got half a mind to call him up right now and tell him to… start ruing!”

“No need to have a conniption, Edgeworth!” Phoenix intervened quickly. “I am 100% positive that your subordinate prosecutor’s suggestion was not meant to be taken in the literal sense, at all!”

Edgeworth looked at him with puzzled eyes, his anger seeming to simmer to a slow boil now, as the defense attorney quickly continued.

“Don’t you remember Longines Beaugosse’s successful blow-dry bar salon chain, You Blo Me? Well, a couple of years ago he launched a secondary spinoff business where the same blowout treatment was brought to you in your own home by professional hairstylists, with the cheeky, somewhat amusing, and easily misunderstood name, Come Blo Me!”

Eureka! I remember now! What with my completely shattered nerves from tonight’s events, I completely forgot about that! Edgeworth realized, blushing furiously at his uncharacteristically overactive response, further evidence that he was completely shaken out of the norm. It’s kind of sad that for once, I was unable to understand Gumshoe’s mangled train wreck of a sentence…

“That’s what I was trying to tell you, pal!” Gumshoe exclaimed. “So take a deep breath before your blood pressure hits the ceiling! I even have the name and number for you of the woman that regularly comes and blows Klavier at his home!” The burly man turned 50 shades of red as he looked over at the sofa and caught sight of four sets of young eyes staring back at him in confusion. “Gah! I mean no! I mean, not like that! Er, um…you know…um, she blows him dry! Ngh! His hair, I mean!”

Good grief! Phoenix facepalmed. Did you want some water to help you wash down that foot, pal?!

“She cuts and styles it too! I know it’s late, but he’s already contacted her for you. Just tell her that you’re a friend of his, and she will be more than willing to come to make a house call… Provided of course, you make it worth her while of course …”

Oh, why not? Edgeworth lamented grumpily. This night alone has cost me plenty enough already, what with Hendricks’ impromptu mortgage equivalent salary increase, not to mention every shred of my remaining sanity! What’re another three or four digits in the mix, really?

“Please make the call for me, Dick.” The prosecutor was completely drained by then. “Just tell her to get over here as soon as possible. I have no idea when the ladies will be returning, but ideally, I would like order to be fully restored before they do!”

Suddenly, Gumshoe’s cell rang, and he looked down at the number with a knitted brow.

“I have to take this call,” he told Edgeworth, handing him a slip of paper with the name and phone number of the hairdresser. “Just give her a shout and she oughta be here in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.”

As the flustered Edgeworth called the number and embarrassedly mumbled his request to the person who answered, Phoenix quietly chortled to himself at the whole situation; he just couldn’t help it! It was all too hysterical for words!

Come on! It’s not every day a happily married man can, with no repercussion, call up another woman and use the words Come Blo Me…

Dick Gumshoe and Maggey Gumshoe
Edgeworth’s Penthouse/The Ball Room, Los Angeles

“Honey, what’s going on?” Gumshoe’s forehead was furrowed with concern as he walked back towards the front door of Edgeworth’s condo, opened it, and stepped into the main hallway outside the penthouse suite. “Is everything all right?”

“No sweetie! We didn’t get into a fight!” His wife responded loudly, with a telltale slur to her words. “We’re fine! Juz…fiiiine!”

“Maggey, that’s not what I asked!” The police chief exclaimed. “I can barely hear you over that racket! Are you sure you can hear me?!”

In the background, he could hear the loud blaring of the suggestive R & B song, “Pony” by Ginuwine.

The things I will do to you
You and your body
Every single portion
Send chills up and down your spine
Juices flowing down your thigh…

“S – sorry Dick!” Maggey hiccupped slightly. “Gimme one sex! Er, sec! I’m at the bar and they are seriously blasting the beats!”

“I’ll say they are!” Gumshoe frowned, wondering how his wife could stand being a place that played such filth! “Can’t you go someplace quieter where I can hear you and not that hump up and grind noise pollution they’re calling music?!”

If you’re horny, let’s do it
Ride it, my pony
My saddle’s waiting
Come and jump on it…

“Oopsie!” Maggey twittered. “One sec sweetie! I’m going to go duck into the ladies’ room!”

Gumshoe waited patiently for a moment until his wife came back on the line. He could still hear the sordid lyrics of equestrian-themed sexual euphemisms, albeit more in the background now.

“Can you hear me now?” Maggey asked. “Wait, I need to pee! Try not to listen!”

Gumshoe barely suppressed the urge to roll his eyes.

“Don’t worry about it honey, the music is still loud enough to drown out the delicate sound of your tinkling!” He chuckled.

“Ahhh… All good now!” She announced happily a minute later. “I was about due for a potty break anyway! I completely broke the seal!”

Then she burst into a fit of giggles.

“Maggey, just how drunk are you?!” Gumshoe exclaimed, uncertain whether or not to be entertained or annoyed by this entire phone call! “Wait don’t answer that; you’re having your girl night – just enjoy and have fun… as long as you’re not driving!”

“I am still nowhere near as shitfaced as the birthday girl!” She told him and stifled back another giggle. “Or Ema! That’s why I’m calling you honey! We’re going to be a little later than we planned because Little Miss Science was a bad, bad girl tonight!”

“What do you mean?” He asked wearily. “How bad is bad, Maggey? Do I need to come bail you girls out or something?”

“No, no! Nothing like that!” She reassured him and hiccupped again. “It’s just that something kind of happened and we are going to have to stay here until after the last call when the bar closes down, and the dancers are done performing because we need to go talk to one of them backstage…”

“Dancers?!” Gumshoe repeated in disbelief as he mentally pieced together the information he had just heard with the type of music playing in the background! “Maggey Gumshoe, are you telling me that you’re spending Franziska von Karma’s birthday at some seedy nudie bar?!”

“Don’t make it sound so dirty, Dick!” Maggie tried to sound indignant but only wound up giggling again. “The Ball Room is a place of professional exotic dancers who prefer to be known as entertainers! And for the record, you know that her last name has been von Edgeworth for over half a decade now!”

Gumshoe was too busy trying to squelch the disturbing images of him no longer being the only Dick that his wife was seeing to bother telling her to quit arguing about semantics and get to the point of her call already!

As though reading his mind, Maggey’s voice suddenly took on a slightly sheepish tone.

“I bet you are wondering why I’m calling you.”

“Uh-huh…”

“See here’s the thing honey, technically we could – and probably should and would if we could! – come home now as the birthday girl and Ema are completely three sheets to the wind already, and one more drop of alcohol in either of their systems will result in a  messy incident here!”

There was a loud clanging sound in the background as Maggey seemingly stumbled into something metal.

“Dammit!” She muttered, as though forgetting that her husband was on the other end of the line. “I could’ve sworn that garbage can wasn’t there when I first walked in here!”

Looks like Franziska and Ema aren’t the only ones who need another drink like they need a hole in the head! Gumshoe thought wryly. And they’re supposedly worse than my wife right now?!

“Promise you won’t get mad?” Maggey began nervously. “And swear you won’t tell Klavier?!”

“Maggey just tell me what happened…” Gumshoe ran a hand through his thick dark hair while thinking to himself: Why do I get the feeling I’m not going to like this one little bit? “And if it’s really that important to you, I promise I won’t tell Klavier.”

“We were being good girls, honest!” She began. “Nobody was dirty dancing with any of the naked men or getting lap dances… It was all one big laugh … And you needn’t worry about anybody getting fresh with me or anything like that! Franny is the table bodyguard for the night! She beat off a perverted dancer with a big giant penis!”

“What the hell?! Where did she get her hands on a penis from? Or rather whose?”

OK, I am so glad that I left Miles’ place to come outside and take this call, so innocent kiddy ears wouldn’t hear this conversation… Not after my rambling blo commentary!

“Relax! It wasn’t a real dick, Dick, nor was it hers!” Maggey assured him, snickering. “I’ll explain about that later when I get home! The point is we were all being respectable married women and mommies… Right up until Bill Thigh, The Science Guy came onstage…”

“Did I mishear you, honey?” Gumshoe blinked. Just how drunk was his wife? “Did you say Thigh? Don’t you mean Bill Nye, The Science Guy?”

What the heck is that spindly Poindexter doing at the peelers though? Not that I swing that way or anything, but who’d want to see him strip? I’d pay him to put his clothes back on!

“No, the entertainer’s stage name was Bill Thigh, The Science Guy,” Maggey explained. “His whole gimmick was coming out as a science geek, you know, with the white lab coat and the goggles and carrying smoky glass test tubes? But he was also really buff n’ stuff, and had these thighs of steel you could have cracked a coconut with!”

The feeling of dread began building within him. He had a sinking suspicion of exactly how this conversation was about to correlate to their science-enthusiast friend being led off the straight and narrow path…

“Picture it, honey! Here’s this hot guy – get that disapproving look off your face, Dick, I’m married, not buried! – in a scientist outfit, shaking what mama gave him to that Thomas Dolby song from the 80s ‘She Blinded Me With Science’ and shaking his money maker in nothing but a little thong underneath the lab coat… Ema just couldn’t help herself!”

Christ Almighty! The burly man let out a horrified silent groan. Do I even want to know…?

“Well, Ema refused to believe that really wasn’t a beaker in his pocket and he was just that happy to see her when he came to visit our table. I guess she caught his eye, being the only other woman in the place that was wearing a lab coat just like his…” Maggey was on a roll now. “So er, since she had already convinced herself, and now wanted to prove to us that, scientifically speaking, it was absolutely impossible for any man to be that… gifted… She decided to try to prove it, by, ah, tipping him…”

Gumshoe groaned again, louder and more audible this time.

“It was an accident, I swear!” She insisted, even though her shocked into silence husband still hadn’t spoken. “But while Ema was proving her point – she wrong by the way, that was ALL BILL – her engagement ring fell off her finger and she sort of lost it down Billy Boy’s um… Underpants…”

“I should tell you not to go on anymore, as I’ve heard more than I cared to hear,” Gumshoe sighed. “But I’m sensing you’re rounding the bend, honey…”

“And when we tried to go backstage after Bill’s set was over, the bouncer remembered Franny as the girl with the giant penis and refused to let us enter –what the hell, did he think we were going to use it on the dancers back there!? – And said that if it was super duper that important, we could wait till after the show was done! But he also said not to hold our breath, because the club was not liable or responsible for any items of value that might get lost on or in the dancers… ever since the last incident six months ago…”

Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth
Edgeworth’s Penthouse, Los Angeles

“How long is he going to be on the blasted phone?” Edgeworth raged, pacing back and forth across the Oriental living room rug like a caged panther. “The least he could have done was throw us the bloody keys before taking off, so that would be one less thing to have to worry about in the meantime!”

The children just sat there silently, in complete awe, as the normally cool, composed prosecutor completely resumed the fine art of losing his shit!

“Daddy?” Mila began timidly, her eyes darting nervously back and forth between the two attorneys, the blue-clad one trying to keep calm and carry on, while the other magenta-clad one seemed determined to wear a groove into his own expensive carpeting.

“Yes, Mila?” Edgeworth bit, through gritted teeth. “What is it now?”

“N-nothing,” the little girl mumbled as she timidly shrank back further against the sofa cushions and crossed her legs tightly, all the while with a pained look on her face.

A stressed-out Miles Edgeworth was a force absolutely nobody wanted to reckon with!

“OK guys, I’m back!” Gumshoe announced at that moment as he reentered the condominium. “And I’ve got some news from the ladies.”

“Can it wait until we’ve freed these two?” Phoenix asked, noting his goddaughter’s discomfited expression. “I have the feeling if you don’t unlock them at this very moment, the guest john, aka Watergate 2.0, won’t be the only spillage we will have to contend with!”

Mila smiled gratefully at her godfather.

Gumshoe nodded and busied himself unlocking the handcuffs around the twins’ ankles. The minute he did, Gregory jumped off the couch and did a little midair jump and spin.

“Free at last, Free at last, Thank God almighty we are free at last!” He cried theatrically, as though he had been enchained for ages rather than an hour!

Maintaining his pure performance overkill mode, Gregory then extended his arms and began a Disney Princess-style twirl, which made the skirt of the dress he was wearing flare about, and just overall look hilariously wrong on so many different levels!

I wonder where he learned such theatrics from?

Phoenix was tempted to quip that the only thing missing was the tiara! Instead, he swallowed back the laughter threatening to erupt from within him and beamed at the little boy, then at his less amused-looking father.

“What a ham!” He chuckled.

“Oh thank you, thy art a most valiant gentleman, Uncle Gumshoe!” Mila exclaimed joyfully, hopping down to the floor and giving the big man a huge hug. She then clasped her hands to her chest like a woman who had just received a death row reprieve. “I had to pee so bad! Truly, thou hath saved my life!”

And there goes the other aspiring thespian in the family! Phoenix sniggered silently. I foresee the stages of Broadway beckoning the both of you!

With that, she raced down the hallway.

Okay no more going to Shakespeare plays for that one! The prosecutor stared after his daughter. Methinks me hath too fully submerged her into Elizabethan culture!

“She had to go to the bathroom?” Edgeworth frowned. “What didn’t she just say so?”

“I do believe she tried,” Phoenix replied dryly, his lips twitching again to hide another indulgent smile. “And judging by the expression on your face, I do believe that was why she drew back in terror, for fear that you were going to bite her little head off!”

Edgeworth looked shamefaced and jammed his hands in his pockets, then looked in dismay at his still happily twirling son, who had grabbed Mia by the hands and was doing a spur-of-the-moment waltz with her around the living room, while white flour from her hair and clothing flew about! It appeared that Gregory suddenly was no longer in a big hurry to get out of his previously hated dress! Then he looked over at Ace, in his oil-stained T-shirted glory, while his lower body remained bottomless, and heaved a great sigh.

“Ace,” the prosecutor asked his godson patiently. “We wouldn’t want anybody to have an accident on that nice couch, which has suffered enough historically at the hands of your kinsmen.” He cocked a half-smile in Phoenix’s direction. “Do you need to go to the bathroom too?”

The toddler nodded silently, his little eyes transfixed on the miniature Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire performance in front of him.

“Wright, check to see if Mila is done in the master bathroom, as I don’t want to rush Hendricks with his plumbing duties in the guest one, and take Ace to do his business,” Edgeworth instructed. “Mia, go ask Mila to lend you one of her dresses; she’s a little taller, but you should be able to fit well enough into her clothes. Let’s get you out of those powder-dusted ones, post-haste.”

“Yes, Uncle Miles.” Mia reluctantly excused herself from her ballroom partner and ran down the hallway, leaving Gregory, unaffected, to blissfully continue dancing with himself, at the present standing on his tippy toes, with his arms over his head, like a pint-sized, cross-dressed, ballerina!

Lord help me! Edgeworth dragged a hand down his face. In addition, this one has seen his final Swan Lake performance! I have no desire to see real-life imitating art at this point!

“Gregory.”

The little boy finally stopped his pirouettes and looked at his father expectantly.

“Yes, Daddy?”

“Go grab one of my old workout T-shirts, because your clothes are too big to fit Ace. Let’s see if we can make some sort of makeshift diaper for him in the meantime.”

“No problem Daddy.” The little boy nodded and did a mock curtsy while holding his skirts, and then began a surprisingly well-executed series of attempted Grand Jetés down the hallway.

Edgeworth groaned to himself.

OK, my son is starting to get much too comfortable in that dress for my liking… I would’ve thought he would be the first one jumping off the couch and racing to his room to get back into his normal clothing!

“And son?”

“Yes, Daddy?” Gregory twirled around smoothly.

“Will you please take off your sister’s dress and get into your own boy’s clothes before you do anything else!”

The child looked crestfallen.

“Come on!” He pouted. “Do I have to?”

Edgeworth only looked at him.

“As you wish.” Gregory shuffled off then, the picture of pure dejection, head hanging and feet dragging, like a man condemned to a prison life sentence, as he muttered to himself. “He never lets me have any fun…”

Phoenix bit his lip, which at this point possibly had permanent teeth marks on it from all the stifled laughter, and scooped Ace up into his arms, before quirking an eyebrow at the extremely entertained Gumshoe, and the exasperated Edgeworth, who had sagged back down on the armchair.

“Before I take this one to the bathroom, didn’t you say you had an update about the ladies?” He prompted.

“Oh yeah right, I did.” Gumshoe turned to his friends and flashed a conspiring grin. “Someone up there likes you guys! You have just been bought a little more extra time to get things fixed up around here. There was a certain situation at the bar right now, and they’re unable to leave at the moment.”

“Nothing involving being behind bars or the ER I hope?” Phoenix quipped, grateful for the reprieve.

“Care to enlighten us, Dick?” Edgeworth asked tiredly, too drained to display his relief at the news.

“Maggey made me promise not to tell Klavier,” Gumshoe began, scratching his head. “But as long as you two swear you won’t either, I guess I can let the cat out of the bag.” He then proceeded to relate to them the circumstances of their wives’ detainment.

Both attorneys’ jaws dropped to the floor for a good minute at the news.

Phoenix was the first to recover.

“I guess I’m happy that wasn’t my Maya…” He offered hesitantly, trying not to sound judgmental.

Considering my wife is presumably stone-cold sober since she was designated driver, she would’ve needed one hell of an excuse if it had been!

“I certainly hope Ema can retrieve the item of value,” Edgeworth managed at last. “Despite the unseemly, unprecedented, circumstances that have resulted in us getting the deadline extension, I suppose I should be grateful for it nevertheless, seeing as how the hairdresser is not here yet.”

“If my wife were to ever lose something of hers down some dancer’s pants…” Gumshoe muttered darkly. “So would he!”

Edgeworth cringed slightly at the imagery.

“I didn’t realize being a stripper was such a potentially dangerous profession!” Phoenix joked.

“It’s not like I’m too worried about Maggey misbehaving!” Gumshoe sounded smug. “You don’t go fishing for minnows when you’ve got Moby Dick at home!”

Now Edgeworth made another sound, which might have been a laugh, which he swiftly masked as coughing.

“Still, I’m kind of surprised that you two are being pretty good-natured about this!”

“I guess it’s because we have bigger fish to fry at the moment, Gumshoe.” Phoenix turned to head to the bathroom and gestured to his oily, half-naked son with his chin. “That, and we still have yet to discover exactly what caused the series of unfortunate events in the first place!”

“I admit, I sort of want to stick around to hear it,” the police chief guffawed. “Gordy is a big boy and can certainly handle watching Jeff for a little bit longer. Besides, you can just include this incident in the infamous Kid’s Mischief Hall of Fame! I have a feeling this will rank right up there with the time that Adrian and Simon watched our boys a few years ago.”

Encouraged by the curious expressions on both attorneys’ faces Gumshoe could barely contain his mirth as he told the story.

“Somehow, the little monsters managed to secretly get into Blackquill’s Netflix account and gave five-star ratings to Teletubby videos, Justin Bieber documentaries, and stoner movies. For ages, the Twisted Samurai could not figure out why Netflix suddenly thought he was some sort of druggie pedophile!”

Edgeworth and Phoenix cracked up at that, and the police chief joined in. It was a much-needed relief for the two babysitters, and both felt some of the tension ease from their bodies as they prepared themselves for the arrival of the final member of the rescue mission to arrive.

There’s still a chance we can have the mother of all turnabouts and pull this one out of the fire in the nick of time, Phoenix hoped, casting a wary glance at the hall clock. I just hope my longtime lucky streak of turning things around isn’t only limited to the courtroom…

Ginuwine – Pony