2 Girls’ Night Shout
Franziska Von-Edgeworth, Maya Fey-Wright,
Maggey Gumshoe, Adrian Andrews, and Ema Skye
Exotic Male Dancer Bar, Los Angeles
June 21, 2034
“Are we not being too stereotypical celebrating my milestone birthday by getting drunk at an adult entertainment bar?” Franziska asked grumpily as she, Maya, Maggey, Ema, and Adrian seated themselves into a booth near the stage of the strip club.
“It’s all good, Franny,” Ema snickered. “No need to be formal when it’s just us gals – call it what it is – the peelers!”
“A nudie bar,” Adrian grinned. “I mean if guys can shamelessly go to gentlemen’s clubs…”
“Then we femmes can have no shame in being hens in the foxes den,” Maya injected with a wry grin.
“Enough already!” Franziska scowled. “Have none of you any dignity whatsoever? Am I not allowed to be vexed my 35th birthday is being held in a place where that shameless man on stage is now swinging about his…bratwurst like a lasso?!”
“He could poke someone’s eye out with that thing!” Ema quipped.
“Franziska, we wouldn’t have needed to come here if you hadn’t gotten us kicked out of the other bar!” Maya reminded her. “This was the only other place in the area that wasn’t packed to the tits tonight! You’re lucky that man didn’t file assault charges against you!”
“Humph!”
30 Minutes Ago…
The Pour House, Los Angeles
“This place is packed, but not so much that we’d not be able to see if the others had arrived,” Maya noted, craning her neck to see over the crowded bar. “Maybe Adrian’s having a hard time finding parking like we did?”
“Perhaps, when she texted me twenty minutes ago she said she’d already picked up Ema and they were near the Gumshoe’s place so they shouldn’t be too much longer.”
“Well, did you want me to go secure us a table while you go to the bar and order the first round?” Maya offered. “I see that bartender’s pretty busy over there.”
“I hate waiting,” Franziska grimaced. “But there’s nothing we can do. Could we not have gone to the bar where Phoenix used to work? Might we not have gotten more preferential treatment there?”
“My husband doesn’t like us hanging out at The Borscht Bowl anymore – he said it brings back too many dark memories,” Maya explained. “Besides, it’s no place for a birthday celebration – remember how we all nearly froze to death there on my 21st birthday? And Nick said it’s gotten even seedier since Boris and Natasha no longer own the place.” She looked over her shoulder then and shuddered. “Let us go to the bar now, but I am going to come with you. There’s this nasty creeper in the corner who’s been eye banging you since we got here and I don’t want to leave you alone.”
“Foolish girl,” Franziska scoffed. “Nothing or nobody can scare me! After all, I have children!”
“Yeah, so do I but he’s giving me the heebie jeebs,” Maya shivered. “So I’m just going to stick to you like white on rice anyway, OK? Humor me!”
Franziska shrugged and was already headed to the bar, her friend in tow. However, despite Maya’s best efforts to dodge him, the lecherous-looking man still managed to slither up next to them at the bar.
He ran his eyes up and down Franziska’s black mini-skirted figure like a wolf might observe its prey and licked his chops before his thin lips curved into a leery smile.
Maya tried not to retch as the hunched-over man with the greasy-looking, slicked-back ‘do, who was sporting a polyester shirt opened to expose several thick gold chains, and more than a smattering amount of chest hair finally spoke, in a voice as oily as his hair.
“Hey, sexy,” he drawled, sidling right up to Franziska, who wrinkled her pert nose at the overpowering scent of bourbon and cheap cologne wafting off of him. “Allow me to buy you and your cute friend a drink.”
Maya pressed her lips together. “No, thank you.”
Franziska looked at him as though he were a bad smell and didn’t even bother replying.
“Aw, come on, baby, cat got your tongue?” Superfly Slick Dick ignored Maya and leaned closer to Franziska. “Why are you playing hard to get now? I know you’ve been eyeing me all night.”
Admittedly, this was partially true, but only because we were trying to see if he was still following us, Maya thought, starting to feel apprehensive and wishing this creep would just get lost and leave them alone. She wished she hadn’t left her pepper spray in the SUV.
“I know you want a piece of this, gorgeous.” He hooked his fingers through the belt loops of his leather pants and thrust his pelvis in her direction.
“You think wrong.” Franziska looked at him disdainfully. “No, thank you, I’m married.”
“So what?”
“Excuse me?” A threatening glint flashed in Franziska’s icy grey eyes.
He shrugged and leaned in even closer to her. “I said, ‘So what?’ I’m sure I can make you forget all about your husband for the night.”
“You’ve got a hell of a lot of nerve!” Maya snapped. “Did you not see the size of the rock on her finger? Or the even more sparkling wedding band with it?!”
“Relax, shorty, nobody’s looking to replace anyone’s spouse here,” he sneered at Maya then looked back at Franziska. “I’m just talking one night of unbridled ecstasy, baby, not making you breakfast in the morning…”
Franziska exploded then.
“You foolish fool! How dare you?! How dare you assume that my marriage is inconsequential? If it did not matter, I would not have brought it up! And how dare you assume that I am so vapid and fickle that I would throw away a blissful marriage that I consciously choose to be in for a one-night-stand with the disgusting likes of you? How dare you think your own brief satisfaction is so much more important than the emotional well-being of a man you don’t know? The only reason I mentioned being married was that I wanted to be nice and turn you down without implying any fault in you. Now I see that I was incredibly misguided. In the few sentences you’ve said, you have proved that you are a primeval, misogynistic, self-centered Arschloch who views women as nothing more than glorified sex toys! Even if I were not a happily married woman, I would never consider doing anything with the likes of you! Not even if you were the last man alive!”
There was a small smattering of applause from the nearby patrons when the former prosecutor had finished her indignant speech and was now watching them intently.
Rico Wannabe Suave looked shocked for a moment, his mouth opening and closing rapidly like a fish out of water.
“Yeah!” Maya couldn’t resist piping up, unable to resist the urge to cheer her friend on some more. “And if you were the last man on earth, we’d demand a recount!”
The man found his voice at last and glared at Franziska.
“Well, if I had known you were such a C U Next Tuesday, lady, I wouldn’t have bothered!”
Franziska’s eyes narrowed into barely visible slits as she reached for her holster.
Oh boy, now he’s in for it… Maya wisely took a step back.
“Again, you prove my point. You try to insult me by using a word that implies that my having a vagina is something to be ashamed of. I am inherently proud of being a woman, and would much rather it than the penis that has given you such an undeserved sense of entitlement, arrogance, and ego! Take that, you swine!”
And with that, her fury unleashed, along with her whip, the snapping, and cracking of the leather weapon flashing with such rapid and furious strokes against the howling man’s face and chest that it appeared to be a blur.
Eventually, he fell to the floor, mewling pathetically as Franziska relentlessly whipped him, until at last the bartender fought his way through the crowd, many of whom were cheering, and grabbed Franziska’s hand, gently but firmly, to halt her.
All the surrounding customers quieted down and awaited his reaction.
“As much as that guy was asking for it, I’m afraid we cannot condone violence of this sort in our establishment, ladies. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
“Gladly!” Franziska snarled, snatching her wrist out of his grasp and storming towards the exit. Red-faced, Maya turned to follow suit, but the bartender reached for her arm and quickly whispered in her ear.
“Sorry lady, but the owner is a sexiest prick who demanded that I do that. He’s always here on Saturday nights. That waste of sperm has been harassing women here for ages but has never done anything bad enough that we could kick him out. I applaud you – come back next Friday or Sunday. Please, and I promise you, for the rest of the night, your drinks are on the house.”
“Thanks,” Maya smiled awkwardly. “But um, it’s not going to be as easy to convince my friend…”
Back to Present…
Franziska Von Edgeworth, Maya Fey Wright,
Maggey Gumshoe, Adrian Andrews, and Ema Skye
The Ball Room, Los Angeles
The silver-haired woman crossed her arms and scowled, hating to admit Maya was right.
“Well, that der drecksack deserved it!” Franziska declared at last. “I still think we should have tried another venue! This is most unseemly of us – especially me, you, and Maggey being here, Maya! After all, we are married with children!”
“I’m married, not buried!” Maggey quipped, a coy smile of appreciation on her lips as she appreciatively eyed the current stage talent, a very sexy male dancer dressed up on the stage as a cowboy to the tune of Big & Rich’s ‘Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy’. “And Adrian and Simon just got engaged, so she’ll be joining us in Yummy Mummy territory soon enough!”
“Not necessarily,” Ema grinned, taking a huge sip of her G-String cocktail. “Klavier and I have been engaged for three years now and he’s no closer to planting a seed in me than he was six years ago!”
“Much to his great chagrin, am sure,” Maya teased, sipping her fizzy grape juice – her husband’s lingering vice from days of old had rubbed off on her. Plus, she was the designated driver that night. “What’s with your aversion to having rug-rats?”
“Yes, why the hold-up on having your own offspring, Ema?” Franziska asked curiously.
“After what I went through with Mila and Gregory, are you seriously asking me why I’m in no mad rush to have my own house apes, Franziska?” The newly appointed forensic scientist raised an eyebrow at the German woman.
“My apologies,” Franziska blushed and fidgeted with her vodka tonic. “I’m assuming you’re not referring merely to babysitting them last weekend on my birthday…”
“That would have been reason enough, the little hellions!” Ema smiled fondly at the memories of her god-children. “We had no idea that your son would take after his parents, and be such an avid little dancer!”
She caught the questioning looks on everyone’s faces and elaborated.
“Gregory loves the Gavinners music – or anything with a beat, really. He dances nonstop, even when he’s out of breath and sweaty! I don’t know what was more hilarious that weekend, the look on my fiancé’s face when we found Gregory, all revved up and hyper, frantically dancing, naked, by himself, in front of our bedroom mirror to ‘Guilty Love’ on the stereo after he’d snuck my fop’s hidden stash of rare, European chocolates…”
“Or Klavier’s face when he told us how he found out Mila had dug into his expensive dish of Devonshire cream,” Franziska laughed. “He trying so hard not to show his indignation as he showed Miles and me the evidence of her little fingerprints dug out of the butter, where she’d just been grabbing big handfuls of it and shoving them in her mouth! She claimed it wasn’t her…it was her imaginary friend Sylvester the Cat…all the while she had this gigantic blob of butter in her hair right above her ear!”
Adrian stared at her best friend with her jaw open, even though her brown eyes were sparkling with mirth behind her wire-rim glasses.
“Franny, you have got some weird-ass kids!” She exclaimed, shaking her head.
“Oh, that’s nothing!” Maggey chuckled ruefully. “Franziska only has one boy, try having two!”
“How old are Gordy and Jeff now?” Ema asked.
“13 and 7,” Gumshoe’s wife replied, draining the last of her Liquid Viagra cocktail drink. “I just recently uncovered that Jeff has a log of his farts that he keeps in his notebook, and he proudly grades each one on a scale of 1-10 for hilarity!”
The table cracked up amongst a chorus of “Ewwww”.
“You should keep it and present it to his new wife as present on their wedding day with a gigantic ‘take that!” Maya clapped a hand over her mouth to muffle her laughter. “So that the new junior Mrs. Gumshoe can truly see what she’s gotten herself into!”
Buoyed by the merriment, Maggey was on a roll now.
“Just last week, I was changing Gordy’s sheets. And I discovered that he had 10 ripped pages from the women’s bra and underwear section from the Sears catalog. He had stuffed the pages between the bedspring and mattress. There was writing on the pages like ‘cool’ and ‘rocket launchers’ beside the model’s breast!” Maggey groaned good-naturedly. “Oh did Dick and I have a good laugh!”
“He’s just a walking, talking mess of hormones, isn’t he?” Ema smirked, once they’d all stopped giggling.
“I should have known it was coming,” Maggey told her. “Last year, I made the mistake of checking his iPod internet history, and found he’d been googling boobs, world’s biggest boobs, and sex in bed.” She blushed slightly as her friends erupted in giggles. “Um, I deleted it and have been pretending like I don’t know…”
“This is something for me to look forward to indeed!” Maya waved down the waitress for another round of drinks. “Right now, my biggest issue is doodies! I’ve been trying to explain to Ace that he doesn’t need to announce to me, in public, every time he needs to take a boom-boom in his diaper – only when he’s done it, and then he can tell me quietly so the other diners at the restaurant don’t need to hear him! So he in his latest efforts to be discreet, he goes off quietly to do his business and does his pooping in the corner. He seems to think he’s hiding it because he’s surrounded by walls.” Her dark eyes twinkled. “However, the grunting kinda gives it away anyway! But hell, he tried, right?”
Adrian and Ema wrinkled their noses at that one even though Franziska and Maggey were nodding their heads sympathetically.
“And then when Mia was a baby, maybe six months old,” Maya recollected. “She went through a phase when she freaked out over anything the color pink! Nick had recently gotten her hooked on cotton candy one day when I wasn’t looking, so, when Pearly was wearing a pair of pink mittens, she both tried to eat her hands, as well as the pink streak in Trucy’s hair – she was stronger than she looked being a Fey girl and all…nearly scalped her big sister in the act of that actually …”
Adrian and Ema looked at one another and then back at the other three MILF’s at the table.
“So, tubes tied next weekend? Shall I make the appointment?” Adrian deadpanned. “For the two of us?”
“Well let’s not be too hasty…I’m 33 now…I have till I’m what, 40 to make up my mind, scientifically speaking…” the former detective replied dryly.
“That’s only three more years away for me,” Adrian told her.
“Hey!” Maya protested. “I said almost scalped! Trucy wasn’t mad – she was upset at first but she said Mia looked so cute nom-nom-ing on that streak of her hair!”
Silence at the table, then Adrian spoke again.
“Sooo…in the meantime, here’s to our lazy sleep-in, kid-free Sundays, Ema!”
“Salud and cheers!” The two clinked glasses.
Franziska shook her head at the two of them. “Don’t be ridiculous, these stories are just for fun! There is nothing more rewarding than motherhood!”
“Yeah, she’s right,” Maggey agreed. “Kids aren’t that bad!”
“You lie like a rug,” Ema retorted, even though her lips were twitching.
“Well, nobody here is claiming their kids are perfect – sorry Franziska, including yours!” Maya joked. “However…we’ve been gone for almost an hour now and I haven’t heard a thing from either of the men!”
“Is this good or bad?” Maggey looked anxious. “Do you think they’ve got a hold of things?”
“Maybe you misjudged them after all?” Adrian asked hopefully.
“Not a chance,” Franziska predicted, a knowing smile creeping across her face. “If anything, I am actually thinking this unanticipated silence means we should be very worried indeed.”
“Well, aren’t you going to call and check up on them then?” Ema inquired.
“No way.” A sadistic grin played on the Master of Kurain’s face as she shook her head. “Gotta let them eat their words first!”
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