10 The Karmic Retribution of Not-So-Rico Suave

Phoenix Wright, Miles Edgeworth and Come Blo Me Cavalry
Edgeworth’s Penthouse, Los Angeles

“Edgeworth, I don’t see why you’re being so stubborn about this!” Phoenix was beyond exasperated. “Don’t you think you’re acting a little bit overly melodramatic here?” He waved the hairdresser’s proffered hand mirror at the petulant, tightlipped man for the hundredth time, but the prosecutor grumpily turned his head and swatted it away.

“Me? Melodramatic? That’s quite rich, coming from you, of all people!” The blue attorney was subjected to a lethal glare that could’ve bored holes through a wall, and he put up his hands in surrender as Edgeworth continued in his tirade.

“We have two ears and one mouth for a reason, which palpably eludes you, Wright, as you’ve been jabbering incessantly rather than listening to a blasted thing I’ve been saying!” The magenta-clad man snapped fiercely, making Phoenix gulp at how super pissed his friend sounded.

I think I preferred Edgeworth’s demeanor before and during his haircut, when my now scathing friend was merely sadly, but quietly, whimpering! Now that said hair’s gotten cut, he’s just flat out… meaner! Well, more than usual, anyway…

“Um, what was it you wanted me to take note of, again?” He awkwardly scratched the back of his neck.

“I kindly ask that you heed my words as I needlessly repeat myself for the final and umpteenth time!” The prosecutor crossed his arms over his chest. “I said I wasn’t going to look and I bloody well meant it! What’s done is done. There is a moot point in me further scrutinizing my newly shorn mane to verify that my hair, as I have long since known it, is no longer there!”

Jesus Christ, he’s speaking with the same mournfulness as a man who’s a lost limb, rather than a mere 4 to 5 inches of length off his bangs! The defense attorney thought with an embarrassed demurral, flashing a weak smile at the apprehensive-looking hairdresser next to him, as the expression of misery on her client’s face hadn’t wavered, even marginally, in the last thirty minutes since the cut.

Dammit, Edgeworth, it’s not the end of the world! Phoenix wanted to yell. So you got a haircut! OK fine, a lot of hair, cut! I admit … bad joke! But it’s a pretty good haircut … if only you’d stop being so balky and bull-headed and just see for yourself!

While his best friend’s formerly long, frontal hairpieces were a good deal shorter than his signature previous chin-length, the blue attorney seriously thought the new hairstyle was a vast improvement but had no idea how to voice this, lest his head got bitten off again!

True, the new haircut was noticeable, but nowhere near as dramatic, or even terrible, as its owner was making it out to be! While Edgeworth’s charcoal fringe no longer hung in his face as it had for the last three decades, it could still be parted in the middle, as it always had. The newly cut bangs instead now fell just up to his eyebrows, so that you could clearly see the previously obscured high cheekbones and angular jaw – the appearance of the latter being further enhanced by the fact that the chief prosecutor was most petulantly jutting out his chin at the moment, while sulkily slumped in his armchair!

Eliete had initially wanted to go with a shorter fauxhawk hairstyle, which would’ve been a bit closer to the adorable new crew cut that little Gregory was now sporting, but had hastily retracted the suggestion when she had seen the merest hint of glistening in the normally composed grey eyes, which the spectacles had been unable to hide.

“He’s a tough man to please,” Phoenix murmured apologetically in Eliete’s ear. “And he’s never been one to embrace change whatsoever. However, I  cannot thank you enough for restoring our children to normalcy! Truly, you are a miracle worker of your craft!”

The comely Latina smiled gratefully at the praise, even though Phoenix had been wholly sincere and not merely paying lip service. In all actuality, the spiky-haired man spoke with absolute justice, as there was no longer was any evidence, aside from Gregory and his father’s haircuts, that anything had ever been awry with the appearances of the children. Mia’s hair was reinstated to its lovely, taffy-colored hue; her skin and tresses now fully free of white powder, and little Ace, while still in his makeshift cashmere onesie, was freshly washed and bathed, with no oily telltale traces left behind whatsoever.

“Mein Gott, Mia!” Mila suddenly exclaimed with disgust. “Aren’t you getting sick and tired of rubbing my brother’s stupid head yet?!”

“Not stupid Mee-la! Hair nice!” Ace squealed in approval and clamored to the blond boy’s other side on the couch and began rubbing the half of his head which was not currently occupied by his older sister’s fingers. “Me likey!”

The former Smurf-haired, newly restored blonde-haired girl rolled her eyes in response as she emulated her father’s slouched-over defensive posture on the sofa, but said nothing.

“There are only two honest types of people in this world!” The hairdresser giggled at the toddler’s enthusiasm. “Children and drunk people! I shall take your son’s approval as the highest praise indeed, Señor Wright!”

Eliete had been altogether successful with satisfying her other client that night, as the younger male Edgeworth seemed to absolutely love his new hairstyle, which showed off his huge grey eyes and elfin features much better than his previously shaggy bowl cut had. At the moment, Gregory was sandwiched between both Ace and Mia on the sofa, grinning from ear to ear as she rubbed the platinum fuzz on top of his head while cooing about how soft it was now and how he looked like “an army man.”

“It makes you look so much older and sophistimicated!” Phoenix’s daughter told Edgeworth’s son as she stroked her crush’s head for the umpteenth time, while he happily nuzzled against her hand like a puppy being petted. “No more kindergarten baby for you! You could so pass for a first grader now, you know!”

“Pardon me while I go away and puke,” Mila muttered, leaping to her feet as she heard a knock at the door, and raced to answer it, eager for an excuse to get away from the pint-sized goo-birds!

The little girl opened the door to find a stunning, Latina, college-aged girl standing there, no more than twenty, with the same flawless tanned skin, willowy figure, and features as Eliete, with the only differences being her long hair had more golden highlights, and her long-lashed, wide-set eyes were aquamarine rather than brown.

“Hola!” The girl greeted Mila with a dazzling smile. “I’m Leia. I’m here to pick up my mom, Eliete. The doorman told me to come right up.”

I guess that lecherous old coot’s concern for the safety of my family played a secondary role to appearing chivalrously gallant and easygoing when confronted with a fetching female, seeing as how he merely waved her right in, rather than calling up here to check with me first, as he should’ve done! Edgeworth grumbled to himself. That’s not merely one, but now two unfamiliar women that nosy little gossip has witnessed coming up to the penthouse this evening! It will cost me a king’s ransom to bribe him for his silence about this, I’m sure of it! Yet another example of how this hellacious night has cost me a bloody fortune!

“Please come in,” Mila said politely. “Everyone is in the living room…”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to give you a little trim as well, Señor Wright?” Eliete was saying to Phoenix, a devilish twinkle in her dark eyes as she playfully advanced on him while waving her shears. “You see how even more handsome I made the two Edgeworth men here!”

“Gracias but no gracias!” The defense attorney shook his head obstinately as he slowly backed away, putting his hands in front of him defensively, as though she were going to attack him with her scissors. “You did a great job coinciding Gregory and his dad’s cuts, but I don’t want my son having a different haircut from his Daddy! Besides that, my wife would kill me! Maya loves these spikes of mine!”

“Alto, Mami!” Leia cried, rushing past the bewildered Mila wearing an expression of genuine horror. Without warning, she came and stood right behind Phoenix, protectively clapping her hands over the back of his head, as though trying to shield his spikes from her mother as she continued to shout in Spanish. “Aléjate de Wright!!”

Phoenix stiffened slightly, but remained frozen in place, too shocked to react, although his flabbergasted mind vaguely registered that the high-speed blur that had zipped over had resembled unless he was losing his cotton-pickin’ mind, a younger version of Gisele Bündchen!

The blue attorney felt himself blushing furiously at being in such up close and personal proximity to a strange and attractive female, even if she was half his age! After all, how often did international supermodel doppelgängers come and press their young, nubile physiques up against his very married body?!

Phoenix felt the first beads of nervous sweat growing at his temples. He had never been the Don Juan Demarco sort with women, so playing it cool was obviously out of the question! He also dimly acknowledged that while he felt slightly guilty for not managing to raise an objection to Leia’s imminent proximity, he also couldn’t lie to himself and claim the experience was altogether horrendous! Even though he was blissfully wedded, Eliete’s daughter was every bit the beauty her mother was, and after all…he was still a man!

As though suddenly realizing her unseemly behavior, Leia abruptly removed the front of her body, which had been plastered against the back of his, and gave a squawk of dismay.

“Dios Mio!” The striking young woman gasped with mortification, immediately shifting to come to stand before him and gazing at him with pleading eyes. “Lo siento, Señor Wright! I must have taken temporary leave of my senses to act in such a manner! However, I was merely trying to prevent a tragedy from occurring! I simply cannot let mi Mami near you with those butchering shears of hers!”

“Leia, pull yourself together!” Eliete chided, seeming more nonplussed than annoyed with her daughter’s antics. “¿Será possible? What madness is this? First of all, I have never cut anybody’s hair against their will in my life, and for another, if Señor Wright does opt for a trim, that is none of your concern! After all, he is a grown man, and I am a licensed hair professional!”

“A hair professional who still has no idea what the concept of a trim is supposed to be!” Leia exclaimed indignantly, whirling around to face the hairdresser, but protectively flinging her arms out to the sides in front of Phoenix as she did so. “I know firsthand what your idea of a trim is! Do you remember when I was a little girl and you cut my bangs como un cepillo de baño!”

Edgeworth snapped out of his self-pitying stupor then, and felt his ears perk up at the sound of this colorful description.

She cut her daughter’s bangs so terribly they resembled a toilet brush?!

“Leia!” Eliete looked aghast. “¡Niña, ese no es modo de hablar! And for the record, I did no such thing!”

“¡Es verdad, mami! ” Leia insisted, gesturing at Mia. “I was no older than that linda niñita over there and I still remember how the kids made fun of me and that it took forever for my bangs to grow out! ¿Y pretendes cortarle así el pelo a mi ídolo? ¡Se verá lindo, una chocha!”

Deafening silence followed the statement, which was comprehensible to nobody but the two women in the room, or so Phoenix thought. The dazed and confused man’s eyes helplessly went back and forth between the hairdresser and her daughter, suddenly wishing he’d paid more attention in high school Spanish class.

“Um… Translation, please?” Phoenix said weakly, feeling as lost as last year’s Easter egg.

“Por favor no lo hagas!” Edgeworth coughed slightly as he walked over to the two women and stared pointedly at Leia, having no desire to translate that the girl feared her scissor-happy mother would make her longtime idol look like a pussy! “In the presence of our young children and my friend’s oídos inocentes, señorita, spare us the translation, which no doubt sounds much worse en inglés!”

Phoenix had been so taken aback by the younger woman’s presence that he had altogether forgotten his friend was also fluent in the language. As Leia turned around to face him once more, he felt his face burning yet again as she clasped his hand, attempting to shake it and introduce herself in a more normal fashion.

“¿Es real, mi Dios!” She breathed. “Estoy viendo a Phoenix, es más amable de lo que imaginaba! Y se me ocurrió venir con este pelo desordenado…” She self-consciously ran graceful long fingers through her tousled waves and stared deeply into his eyes. “Mi nombre es Leia, Señor Wright. Me disculpo, hablo español cuando me pongo nervioso…”

“Él no habla español.” Edgeworth cleared his throat, and smirked at his red-faced friend who was lost in the gaze of the beautiful young woman standing in front of him. “Y creo que mi amigo es incapaz de hablar ahora mismo en cualquier idioma!”

“I hope I did not make you uncomfortable, Señor Wright.” Leia implored, her small hand still holding Phoenix’s sweaty one. While he somehow managed to return the handshake, his lips still were entirely incapable of speaking a complete sentence in any language whatsoever! (Which, unknown to him, was exactly what Edgeworth had just indicated!) “But it is not every day that I get to meet the legendary Phoenix Wright!”

Phoenix wracked his brain for something – anything! – to say in response, but despite being beyond flattered by such reverence, found himself beyond speechless by his bashful admiration of the lovely young woman. He mentally kicked himself for his not so Rico Suave behavior.

Why must I regress to being a lame-ass num-nut whenever I’m around good-looking women, even at this point in my life?! He silently screamed. I may as well be back in my pitiful, crybaby, pink sweater college days! No doubt, this is my payback for mocking Edgeworth’s doofus actions when he first met Eliete earlier this evening … turnabout karmic retribution!

He could only muster a gawky grin in response. Undaunted by his silence, Leia kept rambling, nearly tripping over her words in her excitement.

“I was just so self-conscious about my hair just now… I had no idea when I finished my last client appointment and came to collect my mother just now, that you of all people would be here!” She gushed. “It is such an honor to meet you in person, and see that you are just as handsome, up close, as you are when I have seen you in the courtroom and on television.”

Phoenix tried to chuckle appreciatively, but only wound up sounding like a cat hacking up a fur ball instead. Across from him, beside Eliete, Edgeworth emitted something that sounded suspiciously like a barely stifled snort, but when he glared at the prosecutor, his friend merely smiled innocently and pretended to be masking a cough.

“I cannot wait to tell my little sister, Alia, that I actually got to meet you!” Leia’s star-struck expression was one of pure wonder as she drew even nearer, causing the poor man’s temples to sweat even more profusely. “Can I tell you right now that standing this close to you is the biggest thrill I’ve ever had in my whole life?”

God help me… The spiky-haired man gulped and managed to muster an embarrassed grin in response as he jammed his hands into his pants pockets. If you stand any closer, I won’t be able to feel my house keys…

“I – um…yes…” he stammered, like a complete dumbass, as he tried desperately to string together a sentence, but failed miserably.

At last, realizing that Phoenix had barely spoken barely three words to her since their introduction, Leia stopped speaking and regarded him with a puzzled expression, obviously uncertain of what to make of his tongue-tied silence.

Mia chose this exact moment to come to join the adults, pulling Ace by the hand along with her.

“Hola!” She chirped, beaming up at Leia. “My name is Mia, and this is my baby brother Ace. We’re Mr. Wright’s kids! It’s nice to meet you, Leia. I see my Daddy is having the same problem with you that Uncle Miles had with your mommy, so I’m going to tell you what I told her – they both get really shy and can’t talk easy around pretty ladies, so don’t feel bad! It’s not your fault!”

Edgeworth let out a small moan of embarrassment at the reminder.

Someone. Please. Kill. Me. Now! Phoenix mentally facepalmed at the humiliating explanation given by his miniature defense attorney. Thanks a heap, Princess! Leia’s one member of the Phoenix Wright fan club who now undoubtedly thinks the fantasy of me was undoubtedly much cooler than the reality!

“Gracias, Preciosa.” Leia let out a tinkling laugh and squatted down so that she was at eye level with both Mia and Ace, aqua orbs sparkling. They lit up further at the sight of her idol’s miniature clone, who smiled shyly at her. “Dios Mio! Su niñito bears an identical resemblance to you, Señor Wright – the same spikes and everything! Like a tiny little hedgehog!”

“Um, gracias?” Phoenix finally managed to get out, scooping his son up into his arms and reaching down to put an arm around Mia’s shoulders, smiling uncertainly. “I’ve been told he’s a mini-me on countless occasions, although I can’t say I’ve ever heard it quite in those words before…”

“I meant Sonic the Hedgehog, the adorable video game character, not the animal!” Leia explained hastily, looking flustered. “Silly me, tripping over my own words! What I meant to say, Señor Wright is that both your children are beautiful. Yours too, Señor Edgeworth.” She graciously inclined her head towards the newly-coiffed man. “I’m sure by now you know my mother is a big fan of yours, as well, and having now met you in person, I absolutely cannot fault her for her admiration.”

The surprised prosecutor, who had been smiling smugly at his best friend’s obvious embarrassed discomfort at such blatant adoration, suddenly turned crimson and managed to mumble something garbled that loosely resembled a thank you, as he jammed his hands into his pockets and shuffled his feet.

Smooth as sandpaper, Edgeworth! It was Phoenix’s turn to smirk now. It’s so comforting to see that I’m not the only one to be reduced to dorky schoolboy status around the ladies!

“Please excuse my inquisitive nature, but what on earth happened to make my mother have to do a last-minute house call?” Leia inquired, glancing back and forth at the two attorneys with inquisitive eyes. The men remained silent, their reddened faces both downcast and so she turned to her mother and repeated the query in her native tongue.

Eliete somehow managed to give her daughter the condensed version of the night’s events in a rapid smattering of Spanish. Whatever was relayed caused the younger woman to burst into a fresh fit of giggles, and Edgeworth’s cheeks to turn even redder, as he undoubtedly understood the whole thing.

“To my understanding, based on what my mother has told me,” Leia began slowly. “It seems a lot of this happened simply because tus hijas were unable to play their desired game of beauty school and makeup…”

“That is absolutely what happened!” Mila piped up, rushing over to the new visitor, effusively bobbing her head up and down in agreement. “See, Daddy?! Even Leia can see how this was all my Dummkopf brother’s fault for interrupting!”

“It was not!” Gregory yelled, following his sister over to the group and putting his hands on his hips. “When are you going to admit that a lot of this happened tonight because you completely suck and stuff?!”

“That’s enough, both of you!” Edgeworth ordered, glowering so sternly at both his children that they reluctantly quieted down. “We barely survived tonight by the skin of our teeth, and I refuse to be dragged into yet another cockamamie rendition of your who’s to blame game, is that clear? As far as I’m concerned, you’re both grounded until… The day this nation has a female president in the Oval Office!”

“So basically for life,” Gregory muttered under his breath, folding his arms across his chest and sulking, with his twin mumbling back that he was a sexist jerk face!

“Anyhow, Señor Edgeworth, as entertaining as this evening has been, I’m afraid we need to be going now,” Eliete announced, dropping her shears back into her carrying kit. “I have an eleven-year-old at home whose babysitter needs to be relieved of their duties, and my daughter and I both have an early-morning client tomorrow.” She smilingly presented the magenta-clad man with a handwritten invoice. “This is for my services tonight; I take cash, cheque, or credit card.”

Edgeworth took one gander at the astronomical figure on the paper and turned as white as the sheet it was written on.

Lord have mercy! He thought discontentedly. I could have put a down payment on a new Alfa Romeo for less than this!

Flashing a sickly grin at the expectantly beaming hairdresser, the prosecutor then turned to his pensive-looking best friend and treated him to a ferocious glare.

“You do realize you’re splitting this bill with me, don’t you, Wright?” He asked coldly.

“W-What?!” Phoenix yelped, his eyes nearly popping out of his skull as the color drained from his face. “What for!? What did I – er, we do?!”

“Eliete tended to your children’s hair mishaps as well!”

“B – But…” The defense attorney appeared positively ill at the notion, his formerly pale face now turning green.

“Actually, Señor Edgeworth, I did not charge Señor Wright for his children,” Eliete interrupted pleasantly. “I had already opened the treatment required to strip the blue from your daughter’s hair, so I really didn’t need to use any other product to wash the oil and powder from Ace and Mia’s scalps.” She smiled kindly at the visible relief on Phoenix’s face. “I imagine much like your son, your spikes are as gravity resistant as his? Even when they were wet with water, they did not flatten for more than a second before they bounced right back up into place!”

“Oh thank God!” Phoenix blurted out, as the color visibly returned to his face. “Muchas gracias, Eliete! You’re an absolute angel!”

With this reprieve, I can thankfully still afford to send my children to university!

“Yes, yes, as always, God and luck are on your side Wright,” Edgeworth grumbled as he returned to the group from the living room with a cheque in his hand, which he slowly, and painfully, presented to the hairdresser, barely stifling his grimace as he did so. “As per usual, it appears that you seem to have gotten away with the events of this evening completely unscathed, whereas I could have undoubtedly fed an entire family in Guatemala for the next decade with what this evening has cost me!”

“Hey!” Phoenix retorted indignantly. “It seems your memory is failing with old age, Edgeworth! Would you like a refresher course in history with how I’ve already done my time being fortune’s fool?”

Edgeworth suddenly appeared shamefaced as the ire slowly dropped from his expression and the weight of the words sunk in.

“No,” he mumbled. “Although for the record, Wright, we are the same age!”

Leia and Eliete stared back and forth at the two attorneys with a combination of amusement and perplexity.

“Do you think they’re always like this, Mami?” The young woman asked in a stage whisper, with the hairdresser attempting to shush her daughter in place of response.

“You mean fighting like they’re in court, even though they’re not?” Gregory offered helpfully, not even pretending he hadn’t been eavesdropping.

“Or bickering like an old married couple?” Mila added innocently, nodding her head vigorously in affirmation. “Because the answer to both would be yes! Or si, in your language, I think…”

As if on cue, both men went completely silent and simultaneously turned scarlet.

“Sorry,” they both mumbled sheepishly as both women cracked up, unable to contain their mirth anymore.

“You all should have your own comedy show!” Leia was doubled over with laughter, clutching her arms across her stomach as she did so.

“As I said, we do have to get going.” Eliete smiled sweetly at the group. “I am doing the hair and my daughter is doing the makeup for a very finicky and temperamental client’s big magician show tomorrow. We ended up getting the job last-minute because every other makeup artist and hairstylist in Los Angeles has refused to work with the not-so-sweetie, Max Galactica!”

“However, before we go, I would like to give you a parting gift.” Leia rummaged into her purse and produced a small black beauty bag, which she handed over to Mila with a flourish, who accepted it eagerly while she burbled her thanks. “This is my on-the-go makeup starter kit. Since the girls never got a chance to finish playing beauty school, I thought I would give them a chance to resume their fun, with the professional tools of the trade! Now both you girls can be makeup artists!”

“That’s very kind of you, but we couldn’t possibly accept that!” Phoenix protested, although greatly touched by the generosity of the offer.

“I insist!” Leia dismissed his words with a wave of her hand. “I’m a makeup artist, Señor Wright, so I have plenty more where that came from! Besides, I like the idea of leaving behind something for you to remember me by!” She reached for the door handle then and flashed a saucy wink at the blue attorney. “Don’t worry, for you, papi, this is a gift, not a loan! No charge!”

The sight of the pulchritudinous Latina’s innocuous, flirtatious gesture reduced the defense attorney once again to a shy, tongue-tied state. Shaking his head at the realization this meant that he now needed to take over the conversation, Edgeworth heaved a resigned sigh while reaching over to shake both women’s hands.

“We just got these children cleaned up, so it would be completely impractical to dirty their faces all over again,” he explained cordially. “So I’m afraid your idea, Leia, as well-intentioned as it was, will not be able to come to fruition.”

“I never meant for the girls to practice on themselves, Señor Edgeworth!” It was the prosecutor’s turn to be treated to a sassy wink now as the makeup artist followed her mother out the door. “But I cannot think of a better way to keep these children occupied and out of trouble until your wives return! I’m thinking you and Señor Wright may need to get creative with whom tus niños use as their practice makeup clients! Hasta la vista, le diablos guapo!”

“Mucho gusto! ¡Hasta luego!” Eliete called over her shoulder with a final wave.

“Chao, mango!” At the last minutes, without warning, Leia suddenly turned and gave the still red-faced Phoenix Wright a loud, smacking farewell kiss on the cheek, morphing him from a mere tomato into a boiled lobster!

Then they were both gone.

There was a tense silence in the room as the two attorneys regarded one another with mounting dread as the realization of what Leia had been suggesting hit home.

“You don’t think…” Phoenix began incredulously just as Edgeworth croaked, “She couldn’t possibly have meant…!”

“Yay!” Ace screamed excitedly as he watched both Mia and Mila tear into the makeup bag and dump the contents onto the carpet. “Pretty colors!”

“I get to put that magenta stuff on Daddy’s cheeks!” Gregory declared. “After all, Mila, you owe me for nearly scalping me earlier!”

“Fine! But I’m doing his lips! Wow! Check out this lipstick, Daddy!” Mila exclaimed, waving a bubblegum pink tube in the air. “It’s the same color as your suit! It will totally go with your outfit!”

“And this nice blue eye shadow will match your eyes, Daddy!” Mia beamed, holding up an electric blue box that rivaled her friend’s previous hair color on the brightness scale. “This will be so much fun!”

Edgeworth stared at Phoenix. Phoenix stared at Edgeworth. Both attorneys wore identical expressions of horror on their faces, and for once, their thoughts were one and the same.

We’re doomed…