7 Asses, Flatus & Spotted Dicks…Oh Myyyy!

Notes:

JP – Sir Red Knight officially challenges Sir Blue Knight as of this chapter… plus Phoenix is forced to pull the ultimate bluff in order to save drunken Maya’s clown ass! Will his rival let him sink…or help him swim?

Yanmegaman- Don’t let my partner in crime fool you. She claims to be the Angst Queen and I the Court Jester, but she has quite the funny bone! I also feel she has her own reasons for wanting Nick to book it for Canada. XD

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“It’s a pun, fellas! I dunno why youse guys don’ get it!”

Maya hooted uproariously at her own wit, mindless to the expressions of the grimly speechless lawyers, whose mutually flustered states about her drunken condition were only mounting with each passing minute!

“Phoenix Wrights a bicycle, and Edgeworth drives a car for Miles! Get it? It’s funny cuz Nick can’t drive, except for his bike, and Miles has a car!”

Phoenix cast a sideways glimpse at the equally unamused Edgeworth, whose visage conveyed that he would’ve gladly driven his car off a cliff at that moment if it had meant euphoric escape from this fresh hell!

We get it! He grumbled to himself. It was so funny that we forgot to laugh! I didn’t think it was possible, but drinking makes Maya even more of a clown ass than usual…yet even less funny than Moe the Clown!

“Humph! Tough crowd, I see! Whatever!”

Waving her hand dismissively at the men, Maya turned to her dessert then and moaned in rapture, her eyes closed blissfully as she dug into it.

“Oh my God, this is out of this world sublime! This tastes even more divine than that Italian dessert thingamajig I tried to order earlier, but couldn’t pronounce, hence the Grammar Nazi had to correct me!”

She was joyfully oblivious to Edgeworth’s bashful blush at the quip and speared another forkful of sweet, rich custard, mixed with dried, then steamed, raisins and currants. Then, with less coordination than a concussed troll, she tantalizingly waved a forkful clumsily in Phoenix’s face, nearly poking out his eyeball in the process!

“Nick, you have no idea what you’re missing!” She pouted. “Are you sure you don’t want to try some? I mean, once you get over the funny as all holy hell name, which I admit is totally why I ordered it, it’s a mouthful of absolute heaven!”

“No thanks, Maya, I’m really full now,” Phoenix replied quickly, jerking his head away in the nick of time from the ineptly roving fork tines, and just barely escaping eyeball-gouging damage!

“Oh Miles…” Maya trilled in a singsong voice, leaning across the blue attorney and attempting to shove a forkful into the abashed prosecutor’s mouth. “What’s in a name? Surely a fruity dessert not named after male loins would taste just as sweet! Try it! You know you want it!”

Edgeworth smiled faintly at the attempted poetic use, using as a polite a voice as he could muster, while trying not to look too dismayed at the other two, still yet to be consumed, dessert plates sitting in front of the totally bassackwards spirit medium.

“It’s all yours, Maya. Thank you very much for the offer, though.”

“Iamsickofyoursuckiness!” Maya scowled at the two attorneys, her words tumbling from her mouth in a rush of barely distinguishable syllables. “Why youse both gotta be so rigid and immature? Are you afraid I’ll say you are what you eat if you try some? Because I won’t, I promise!”

Her voice had risen several octaves, causing several of the other diners at the surrounding tables to turn their heads and stare at the trio. Edgeworth slumped downward in his seat in humiliation.

“Hee! I made a funny!” Maya twittered all of a sudden. She jabbed Phoenix in the side with her elbow, hard, completely oblivious to his pained grunt. “Get it? Rigid? Because youse guys are such tight-ass, stick in the muds you refuse to be seen putting this nummy British dessert in your mouths, just cuz it happens to hilariously be named… Spotted Dick!”

Her voice was even louder this time, and the diners who had been wordlessly staring up until that point now fully snickered, as the men turned bright red at that exact moment, both wishing they could simply disappear!

Oh, please, shout that out just a little bit more loudly, Maya! Phoenix groaned inwardly, barely resisting the urge to bury his head in his hands. I think there may have been two people in Abu Dhabi who didn’t hear you!

“Milessss…” Maya slurred, suddenly taking note of the prosecutor’s humiliated expression. “Why so serious? Did I do something wrong, Mr. Grumpy Pants? Why aren’t you smiling anymore?”

Without waiting for his response, she leaned across Phoenix once again, stretched out her arms, and lifted the corners of the unsmiling charcoal-haired man’s lips upward into a forced grin with her fingers.

“See, now you’re smiling and look so much cuter! You went from being Miles Edgeworth to being Smiles Edgeworth!”

Edgeworth appeared as though he didn’t know whether to laugh or cry but somehow managed to keep his involuntary smile in place, even though the anxious look in his eyes didn’t waver.

Good Lord, it’s like watching a train wreck! Phoenix stared at the swaying and slurring mess seated next to him at the table, her hair a tousled mess and her cheeks flushed red, torn between hilarity and incredulity. You can’t look away even if your life depended on it! Well, in this case, it’s not so much my life that’s dependent as much as keeping my defense attorney badge, which will be contingent on our stealth capability of sneaking this now visibly tipsy teenager out of this shi-shi frou-frou place, unnoticed!

“Maya!” He hissed at his assistant, his cheeks undoubtedly as on fire as his frenemy’s. “Could you pipe down a notch? You’re embarrassing both me and Edgeworth! This is a swanky joint, not our usual burger dive! Not everyone around us needs to know how cute you think his stupid smile is, or be forced to hear the TMI of what you’re eating, especially that sweet elderly couple in the corner!”

“You can’t tell me what to do, Nick!” She huffed, puffing out her cheeks in her customary petulant fashion. “You’re not the boss of me!”

Defiantly she speared her fork into her now third dessert plate, but then paused and flashed a loopy lopsided grin.

“Haaaa!  Wait… You kinda, sorta, technically are my boss, aren’t you? But it’s after-hours now, so you can stop being Mr. Bossy Pants, you old fart!”

“We are all of us out as friends and colleagues on equal footing,” Edgeworth interjected smoothly, trying to prevent a commotion. “Perhaps what Wright was trying to convey, in his typical inarticulate fashion…” He ignored the withering glare he got from his rival for that slight dig. “Is perhaps the other patrons would enjoy their dining experience better if they were not privy to hearing all the details of our conversation…”

“Are you trying to say that I’m embarrassing you, Miles?” Maya’s expression turned sulky. “You don’t want anyone looking over and seeing you dining with the underdressed girl at your fancy, schmancy restaurant, is that it?”

Oh man, I almost feel bad for Edgeworth about this one! Phoenix winced slightly. And even I know he didn’t mean it like that! The only one he acts like a grade-A, world-class, turd-fondler with is me!

“Good heavens no!” Edgeworth looked authentically appalled at the accusation. “Maya, I assure you, I am thoroughly enjoying your delightful companionship! It’s just that perhaps… your disposition may have been slightly altered from its normal congenial state, due to the copious amount of wine you’ve consumed…”

“Oh, I get it now! Y’all two think I’m Count Drunkula!” Maya tried to glower at them, but then erupted into a fresh fit of giggles. “But that’s so silly! You can’t be drunk if you know you’re drunk, right?”

The two men stared at one another, completely speechless on how to respond to this bizarre sort of logic. Suddenly, the spirit medium tittered once more shakily got to her feet and waved her finger with mock sternness at them.

“Luckily y’all are both such hunks, else I’d be really mad at you for your baseless conjecture in thinking I’m not so farfrompuken!” Maya laughed gaily as both attorneys instantaneously blushed at her charming words. “Really, I’m just gay! Meant in the innocuous, 1950’s way! Hee! That rhymes!”

The raven-haired brunette leaned forward on the table, needing to brace herself with her arms to remain steady, and shook her head, treating them to a broad, Puckish beam.

“I’m in a happy place right now, otherwise I’d be mighty resentful at such a false accusation and say ‘I’m not Unk-dray! How dare you! I’m the soberest girl in this room, you big meanies!’ But lemme tell youse something.”

She grabbed her glass of water next to her consumed tiramisu and Spotted Dick, chugged it back, and then slammed it back down, nearly missing the table entirely, had not been for Phoenix’s fast reflexes of catching it before it crashed to the floor.

“I’m ash sober ash ‘m gonna git. And nuffink – nuffink you can do ’boutit! Ima go to the ladies’ room and go make some more room for those last couple of desserts!”

With that, she patted her tummy, then ambled away towards the restrooms, without so much as a hiccup in their direction. The two men nervously watched her slightly stumbling form grow smaller and smaller until finally, Maya was out of sight.

The moment she had disappeared from their vision, Edgeworth grabbed Phoenix by the arm, completely panic-stricken.

“We need to talk, Wright! What in God’s name are we going to do about this…” he cast a furtive glance around them and lowered his voice. “Just south of bejesus situation on our hands? How could she possibly be so blitzed after only two glasses of red wine?!”

“I don’t know!” Phoenix shrugged helplessly. “I guess she’s a lightweight?! I didn’t watch her pour her wineglass until it was too late, but knowing Maya, she probably filled her enormous balloon glassware up to the brim instead of just putting in the traditional splash and a half before we busted her guzzling it!”

“While neither of us is aware of the exact details of how we arrived at this bloody disaster on our hands, there is one thing that remains clear! As in, I am wholly aware of exactly what this entire evening has been all about, Wright, even if Maya still doesn’t!”

The prosecutor folded his arms across his broad chest and stared at the spiky-haired man pointedly.

“Just to be clear, the challenge is duly accepted! You should also know that I have no intention of losing, especially to the likes of you.”

“This is just one big pissing contest to you, isn’t it, you smarmy, arrogant, prig?” Phoenix’s fiery orbs shot daggers at his opponent. “You know that I know that you know that I know that you’re only doing this to get back at me for all the times I’ve mopped the floor with you in court! Just admit it, already! You don’t have any actual interest in my assistant, and you damn well know it!”

“Having a rival for the fair maiden’s hand is quite the jolting erlebnisse for you, is it not?” The prosecutor responded imperturbably, a challenging glint in his eye, which only angered the normally mild-mannered blue attorney even more.

“Stop talking like a walking dictionary and just speak normally for once, you pompous …egg-headed, Poindexter!” Steam was positively coming out of Phoenix’s ears by now. “Maya’s heart is not a toy and she is not some prize to be won!”

“You wish to protect the young maiden from my dastardly clutches, is that it, Sir Blue Knight?” The prosecutor derided.

“I won’t let you hurt her or use her as a pawn just to get back at me, in some warped, twisted form of retaliation that you have plotted out in that vengeful, conniving mind of yours!” Phoenix spat. “If that means protecting her from you, Sir Red Knight, then so be it!”

“You couldn’t protect crumbs from a gang of drunk roaches, Wright.” Calm grey eyes coolly met stormy indigo ones, although a glint of mirth flickered within them at the fury in his contender’s gaze. “I must inform you, while your overprotectiveness of your employee is nobly admirable, it is truly unfortunate how sorely you underestimate both myself, as well as the genuine appeal of your law office manager.”

“I notice her appeal just fine, thankyouverymuch!” Phoenix snapped before he realized what he was saying, then flushed slightly at the insolent grin the smoky-eyed man shot at him.

“Surely, I cannot be the first male to recognize that Mother Nature has been most kind to the beguilingly fetching Maya Fey since she first came to work with you?” Phoenix’s nostrils flared at this remark, and Edgeworth’s smug smile only widened. “However, I can only logically deduce that if I weren’t, you wouldn’t be quite so disconcerted about the fact that you’ve noticed me, noticing her, now, would you?”

“That’s beside the point!” Phoenix barely resisted the urge to haul back his fist and let it explode, right into his courtroom adversary’s overly smug, man-pretty face! “It doesn’t matter whether or not you genuinely find her attractive and want to be with her or not!LaFemme Drunkita presently, in no way, shape, or form, is in the proper mindset to be making any kind of monumental or minor decisions, regarding her love life, or anything, whatsoever! You and I should be working together and trying to figure out how to sneak her the hell out of here, not bragging over which one of us is going to be the victoriously valiant suitor of this jousting match!”

“You’d like me to back off, due to your desire to arrogate your claim on the lovely Maya Fey,” Edgeworth drawled. “Yet your persistent accismus to admit the real reason for this is also why my answer to all of this is: may the best man win!”

“Oh, it’s on like Donkey Kong! Wait! Hold it!”

“Yesss…?”

“You made me stray away from my main argument!” Phoenix thundered, slamming his hands down the table, courtroom style, completely uncaring that the action made all the dishes and silverware bounce. “Did you not hear a blasted word I just said?! Who wins this alleged competition is not what’s important right now! The key thing is getting that Maya out of here before anyone notices how drucking funk she is, which means it’ll be both our necks on the line!”

“I heard your bellowing just fine, you dimwitted, frog-mouthed, blowhard,” Edgeworth replied dryly. “As did half of Los Angeles and San Francisco! Fine, I will acquiesce that you are right; the plucky spirit medium is in no state to give either of us her hand while she is so…full of spirits, shall we say? I guess we have no choice but to keep her out and about until the sauce wears off, and she’s more coherent and sober.”

The magenta-clad man’s brows knitted as he contemplated this.

“Normally, I would suggest we all go out dancing, as the extra activity may help burn some of the excesses off, but as she is still not 21, she’s too young to be taken to a regular nightclub, and I refuse to take her to some all-ages affair with a bunch of raging hormonal teenyboppers drinking Kool-Aid while shaking their moneymakers…”

“Well, what do you know? It appears we agree on something at last!” Sarcasm was positively dripping off of Phoenix’s tongue. “The idea of trying to bust a move alongside a roomful of adolescent, scantily dressed, hoochie mamas, all face down, butt up, sounds about as appealing as watching Wendy Oldbag twerking in a string bikini!”

“You are a sick man, Phoenix Wright!” Edgeworth’s fair complexion grew visibly paler at the mention of his geriatric stalker, then promptly turned green at such putrid, vile imagery. “Never utter that name before me again, ever!” He cast a horrified, frenzied peek around him, as though the mere mention of the old woman would make her materialize right then and there! “If you speak of her, she will come!”

“She’s not Lord Voldemort, you know!” Phoenix found he was rather titillated by the normally austere man’s dramatic reaction. “Shall we simply refer to your arduous admirer, henceforth, as She Who Must Not Be Named?”

“I’m baaaaack!” Maya announced, flopping back down in her seat and smiling brightly at the attorneys, who both promptly clammed up the moment they saw her. “What are we talking about?”

“Nothing!” Edgeworth said quickly just as Phoenix concurrently blurted out, “our game plan for the rest of the night!”

A perplexed frown marred the teen’s smooth forehead at the opposing responses. “I’m confuzzled, guys!” She proceeded to demolish her remaining desserts, still chatting with her mouth full of sugary goodness. “Now one you tell me had better tell me what’s going on! Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry!”

Flashing a dirty look at his rival, Edgeworth rapidly recovered and flashed a benevolent smile at the spirit medium turned wannabe, Ms. Bruce Banner. “What we meant to say, Maya is that we were having so much fun, that we were trying to ascertain where we should venture to next after we leave LA Prime, but ultimately in your absence, nothing was decided at all. I initially suggested we go dancing, to the great protest of Mr. Double Left-Foot here…”

“Hey!” Phoenix yelped indignantly, scowling at the prosecutor.

I both resent and admittedly,  resemble that remark, but thanks for rubbing in that I’m not as light on my feet as you are, you unctuous, pink-suit lovin,’ twinkle-toed…ass-hat!

Edgeworth ignored him and continued.

“But ultimately, the idea was struck out, Maya, as you are still underage and cannot be taken to a nightclub, plus we weren’t sure how you felt about dancing…”

“Woot! I love dancing!” Maya squealed excitedly, completely deaf to the caveat about her young age, and unexpectedly broke into an enormous ear-to-ear grin as she spotted Gumshoe and Franziska about to exit the restaurant. “But it can’t be just the three of us going to boot, scoot, and boogie – that’s hardly going to be fun! We gotta invite more people!” She staggered towards the two, with the unnerved Edgeworth and Phoenix sprinting after her, just in time to grab the big detective by the arm.

“H-h-h-heeeeey! Wheeeere d’ya think yeeeeer goin’?” She jabbed a finger into the surprised Gumshoe’s chest, as Franziska’s eyes narrowed in suspicion. “Youse guys can’t leave me here without saying goodbye, pal! Me and the Ace Attorneys are gonna go shake our groove thangs! Y’all should come with!”

“Are you all right, pal?” Gumshoe regarded Maya’s unsteady form and overly bright eyes with concern. “Have you been drinking?”

“I’m sotally tober and going to a pance darty!” Maya cawed merrily, instead of a direct response to the question, much to Phoenix and Edgeworth’s complete relief! “Wanna come?”

“You are acting quite strangely, Maya Fey,” Franziska noted, casting a distrusting glance at the prosecutor and defense attorney, both of who were holding their collective breaths. “Well, stranger than usual, anyway! What’s wrong with your voice?”

The German woman’s hostile countenance suddenly seemed to tune Maya into the fact that her reckless, overly enthused actions may have made her two escorts encounter dire consequences, and she shrunk back slightly. “Nothing’s wrong with my voice. I’m perfectly fine in my voice,” she claimed, trying to sound as sober as possible.

Franziska frowned as she leaned closer to the petite woman. “I beg to differ, Maya Fey…”

“She’s having a bit of a sugar rush!” Phoenix improvised quickly. “It makes her super hyper! I’m surprised she hasn’t given herself diabetes at this point, heh, heh! As usual, my indecisive assistant couldn’t decide which dessert to order and became obsessed with the strange-sounding, unfamiliar names on the menu, so she consumed four of them…”

“That’s right!” Edgeworth chimed in, the relief evident in his voice as he grasped at the excuse for Maya’s erratic behavior with gusto. “Er, she ordered the tiramisu, as well as the, er…” he coughed slightly. “Spotted Dick…”

“Tee hee!” Gumshoe guffawed at the name, then turned bright red as Franziska turned to glare disapprovingly at him.

“Detective, can you not act your age?! What are you, five?”

“Sorry, sir,” the big man mumbled, dropping his eyes.

“Then she had the Chocolate Religieuse…” Edgeworth continued ticking the sweets off on his fingers.

“Uh, she liked the name,” Phoenix inserted, clamping a firm hand on Maya’s shoulder from behind her, silently cautioning her to let them answer. “Even though she couldn’t pronounce it properly, she said it sounded like ‘Chocolate Regular Use,’ a notion she could completely get behind …”

“And then on top of that, she had the Damson Plum Clafoutis,” the prosecutor finished lamely.

“It sounded like the formal term for farts!” Maya offered helpfully, which only made Gumshoe chuckle loudly and both attorneys simultaneously face-palm. Even Franziska couldn’t help but crack a smile at that one. “You should have seen the waiter’s mug when I ordered a plate of Damson Plum Claflatus!”

“Wright, how does she know the correct medical term for embarrassing bodily functions?” The mortified Edgeworth hissed in Phoenix’s ear.

“I have no earthly idea!” Phoenix whispered back. “She watches the same mindless kiddie crap that you do! And she sure as hell didn’t pick it up from any of the literature I have lying around! The only kind of books I have at the office are law books!”

“Judging by your bumbling, bluffing buffoonery in the courtroom, I can only surmise they are all unread!”

“You’re an ass, Edgeworth!”

“Well, thanks for the offer, pal,” Gumshoe was saying to Maya now, once he finally stopped laughing. “But I have an early day at the precinct tomorrow. We detectives don’t work a Monday to Friday, 9-to-5 schedule, unfortunately, and Sir here is my ride…”

“And I just don’t want to,” Franziska shrugged unapologetically, turning towards the exit. “You three, go enjoy yourselves. Phoenix Wright, try not to trip over your two left feet the way you do your tongue in the courtroom!”

The two attorneys had just expelled synchronized sighs at their reprieve when suddenly the silver-haired woman cast one final, searching gander at Maya.

“You know, you never did answer the good detective’s question about whether or not you had been drinking, Maya Fey.”

Maya gulped, and Edgeworth looked as if he were going to faint.

“Hold it!” Phoenix suddenly screamed in a panic as his wide eyes caught sight of a growing blaze at the next table over. “Fire!”

“Fire? Mein Gott!” Franziska gasped, her frenetic gaze examining the restaurant as Gumshoe immediately shouted, “Where? I’m on it!”

Needing no further prompting whatsoever, Edgeworth wisely took advantage of the diversion, grabbed the stunned Maya by the hand, and all but yanked her towards the exit. Their actions were undetected, as at the same time, Phoenix was racing up to the table, Franziska and Gumshoe in tow, where a waiter stood next to a dessert cart which was literally aflame! The attorney hurriedly grabbed the water glass from the male diner’s side of the table, quickly dousing it over the blaze before anyone could protest.

“Take that!” Phoenix yelled triumphantly, putting his hands on his hips, before observing everyone around him and noticing that Franziska was fuming, the slack-jawed waiter seemed dismayed, and the two diners at the table appeared more aghast than grateful for his heroics!

“Huh?” Poor Gumshoe just looked confused.

“Sacré bleu!” The scandalized server clapped a hand to his mouth, his shocked eyes the size of saucers as he gawked at Phoenix in horror. “Mon Dieu, monsieur! What have you done? A culinary masterpiece, now a waste! You have destroyed the Cherries Jubilee!”

“C –Cherries J – Jubilee?” Phoenix echoed faintly, shrinking back at the disgusted glare Franziska shot him. “What? B- But I thought I saw a fire…”

“Phoenix Wright you foolish Philistine!” The prosecutor yelled. “As usual, your fool-hearted tomfoolery has done nothing but create unnecessary catastrophe while denying these poor diners their dessert!”

“D – Dessert?” Phoenix stammered, his arm reflexively reaching up to nervously scratch the back of his head. “With a huge flame like that?!”

“Oui, c’est vrai!” The waiter wailed, completely distraught. “Cherries Jubilee is a classic flambé dessert recipe that is just not enjoyed enough these days! You pour a healthy amount of brandy over some cherries and set it ablaze! Served over a high-quality French vanilla ice cream…it is quite the delicacy!”

“It was for mine and my wife’s 50th wedding anniversary…” The old man at the table mumbled dejectedly, gesturing at the sweet little old lady sitting across from him, and Phoenix belatedly recognized them as the scandalized elderly couple who’d been subjected to hearing about Maya’s X-rated dessert earlier in the evening.

“I – I’m so sorry…” he spluttered, as Gumshoe clucked sympathetically behind him and awkwardly patted his friend on the arm.

“Humph! I shall take my leave now!” Franziska announced haughtily, lifting her chin in the air and casting one final disdainful glance in the spiky-haired man’s direction before she grabbed the detective by the arm. “Come along, Scruffy! Phoenix Wright, I shall leave it to you to settle this matter, you foolish fool! I’ll see you in court!”

Then she was gone, leaving the chagrined, beyond contrite defense attorney behind in her wake.

“Please excuse my brashness! I’m so sorry,” he apologized profusely to the couple, then turned to the waiter with a benign expression. “Do allow me to pay for the damages and a new dessert! Just…”

He wracked his brain frantically, then flashed his most disarming smile as inspiration hit him.

“Put it on Mr. Miles Edgeworth’s tab. Also, in case Maurice did not get a chance to do so already, please settle up the bill at our table as well, in an identical manner. And both of you… Feel free to add a little something extra for yourselves, for all this trouble.”

“Merci beaucoup, monsieur! That is most generous of you!” The scowling waiter’s disposition changed immediately as he beamed at the blue attorney, then bowed grandly at the couple. “Madame and Monsieur, un moment, S’il vous plaît! I will return with your new dessert, tout de suite!”

“Good evening to you folks.” Phoenix awkwardly waved at the old couple one last time. “And Happy Golden Anniversary!” With those parting words, he all but ran out of the restaurant.

Talk about pulling a log out of the fire – almost literally! He thought in relieved disbelief. I cannot believe we got away with that underage drinking stunt! Franziska would’ve had both of our heads on the chopping block am sure! Thank God for that dangerous dessert! I’ve either got to be the luckiest or the unluckiest guy on earth, for spotting that well-timed saccharine interruption sent from the heavens, even if the result was Edgeworth getting to make off with Maya, and score some extra free time with her because of it! Gah! The Demon Prosecutor is going to blow a gasket and be out for blood whenever he gets the sky-high bill from this place not to mention this unplanned additional expense! Hmmm…I wonder if I should make a run to the Canadian border when he finds out? Surely our neighbors to the North require a good defense attorney … eh?!