8 Dancing Queens

Notes:

JP: This chapter goes out to a great friend of mine and my co-pilot’s, ThePudz, whose wonderful works can be found here on this site, and who also created my beautiful new cover artwork for Turnabout Everlasting! He may find the character of a certain OC seems very…familiar… 😉

Also, I thought it would be fun to create a reader poll and let our loyal readers pick the state Maya ends up with! Cast your votes in the poll atop my profile page, and we’ll see which valiant knight wins the fair maiden’s hand at the end of the story!

Yanmegaman: What do you get when you mix a defense attorney and prosecutor in the midst of a schlong measuring contest with a medium-full of spirits, a dancing machine, and a writer who excels at administering torture to her favorite character? This chapter! I hope you guys enjoy all the work JP put into this one, as I think it’s some of her best!

---

Phoenix swiftly exited L. A Prime and stepped outside into the parking lot, frantically looking around for the prosecutor’s sleek red sports car, and heaved a sigh of relief when he spotted it coming towards him. The driver and passenger were in the midst of conversation as he climbed into the back seat behind Maya, who was still drunkenly chattering away like an animated chipmunk, to the nerve-grating chortles of the magenta-clad man beside her.

As he resumed sneezing miserably in the dog fur-infested backseat, the spiky-haired man alternated between pangs of barely repressed jealousy and renewed panic about the state of affairs he had left at the restaurant.

Edgeworth’s normally tightfisted ass is totally going to have a coronary when he finally gets that bill for those additional charges that I went ahead and approved on his tab! He realized anxiously. Maybe I should start brushing up on my Canadian? Really, how hard can it be to flee over the border and assume a new identity in the true North? I would just simply have to start referring to my daily “two cream, two sugar” coffee as “double-double,” and adjust to the fact that in Canada, a “Loonie” is not a person who belongs in the psych ward, but how they refer to their one-dollar coin since it has an image of an actual loon on it!

He stroked his chin in thought. Well, he shouldn’t judge the nation that gave reverence to a bird on the currency… After all, he was named after one!

Consequently, their polar bear-decorated two-dollar coin is called a “ toonie .” Plus, their $0.05 nickel has a beaver on it… And the $0.25 piece quarter bears a caribou ?! Jeez Louise, I cannot believe I am contemplating immigrating to a country with not only an unnatural hockey obsession but where the snowy winters are so damn cold, they have people up there that live in igloos, and whose coin currency decorative compilation is essentially a petting zoo!

“Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub!” Maya was giggling tipsily to Edgeworth, apparently still stuck on the idea that they were somehow going to be able to take her underage self to one of them. “There’s liquor and you can’t hear them!”

“That’s quite amusing, Maya,” Edgeworth chuckled indulgently, while Phoenix curled his lip disdainfully and barely suppressed the impulse to stick his finger down his throat in a gagging motion. The evil little voice inside his mind that had briefly surfaced at the movie theatre returned once again, full force.

Look at me! I’m Miles Edgeworth! I am a big dork with a hairdo that resembles a gigantic bird on my head, who’s going to pretend to have a sense of humor if it means charming the beautiful, fair maiden! Otherwise, she might suspect that I am actually an evil, utilitarian automaton, determined to steal her soul! He nearly gave in to the urge to stick out his tongue at the back of the prosecutor’s enormous head! Ergo, I’m going to laugh up all your silly, drunken jokes, Maya, even the corny ones! I’m hip! I’m cool! I’m with it! I’m… lying like a cheap rug!

Canada was starting to look more and more appealing with every passing itchy-eyed, wheezing, snuffling, allergy-filled moment.

The more I think about it, the more I’m liking the idea! Maybe I could even convince Maya to come with me! I’m sure there is someplace in her six stomachs that would fully embrace the traditional fare of genuine maple syrup, Canadian bacon, and poutine! I would just have to make sure I said “eh” at the end of every sentence whenever I was trying to indicate that I wanted the person to agree with me, and to say “sorry” for absolutely everything, even if somebody else steps on my foot! After all, this is the country that is so known for unnecessary apologies that they legit had to change their laws with the caveat that saying “sorry” is not necessarily an admission of guilt!

Phoenix let out a soundless sigh and gave up on his brief fantasy of forsaking the typical 3% American piss water barley for a lifetime of the standard 5% Canadian ale. Their Northern neighbor’s beer was stronger, therefore that possibly meant their women looked cuter!

The grim reality of his situation finally hit him.

I don’t need to be Canadian to admit that this truly is the sorriest I’ve ever been! He lamented despairingly. Here I am, crashing what is essentially a date between my rival and Maya, and I’ve only managed to stick around thus far because of Edgeworth’s impromptu burst of magnanimousness at that nosebleed, high-priced eatery we just came from! But surely he isn’t about to continue paying for my sorry ass, and Maya’s, for the entire night?!

Phoenix slumped down lower in the back seat, feeling sorrier and sorrier for himself with every passing minute.

Words cannot describe how screwed I am, because I’m so damn broke, I have to save up to be poor! What kind of suitor could I possibly be, and what chance in hell do I have here when I sure as hell don’t have the money to treat myself, never mind Maya, to anything tonight – not even a soda! Hmmm… If I do head north of the border, I must remember that over there, they refer to soft drinks as “pop,” unless I want a mouthful of carbonated water! Blech!

“Hold it!” Maya squealed suddenly, her face lighting up with excitement. “Miles, pull over! I just found the perfect place we can all go to! Coming up there on the right!”

Obediently, the prosecutor turned into the upcoming driveway, and Phoenix’s eyes widened as the three took in the sight of the enormous, domed building with a neon lit-up sign and jam-packed parking lot.

“Joypolis of Japalifornia?”The blue attorney asked incredulously. “Maya, you want us to go to a video arcade?”

“This is no mere video arcade, Nick!” Maya turned around to scowl at him as she heard his less than impressed tone. “This place just opened up about six months ago, when they tore down the dilapidated old mall, and all the advertisements say that there’s some kind of fun for everyone, even if you’re not into video games! So I’m sure there’s something even an old fart like you will like!”

“I’ve heard about this place,” Edgeworth remarked mildly, as he drove along slowly, trying to find a parking spot. “And I’m fine with it, seeing as how Maya’s too young to go to a club, and it’s a bit too late to do much else. It’s considered to be one of Los Angeles’s greatest new tourist attractions, as well as being highly rated by all the videogame magazines.”

Why does it not surprise me that a grown-ass man, who’s lamer than a three-legged horse and Barry Manilow put together, would not only be into Steel Samurai but also be privy to the inside information about this kind of juvenile stupidness? Phoenix thought nastily. What magazine did you read that in, Edgeworth? Otakus R’ Us?!

“This is going to be so much fun!” Maya exclaimed delightedly when they had finally parked and began making their way to the entrance. “I was reading in Geek is Chic gamer magazine that Joypolis is essentially an indoor theme park. Aside from their hundreds of video games, everything from Atari to Xbox, there’s lots of other cool stuff going on here all the time too! Instead of the loud background noise of video games and pinballs, live DJs perform every night of the week with specific themes for each night, including the obligatory ’80’s night. Pinball and fighter tournaments also happen rather regularly, with video game trivia and dance club nights rounding out the schedule. It truly is a fantastic destination for gamers and non-gamers alike!”

Edgeworth smiled indulgently at how Maya sounded like an adorable walking, talking advertisement for the place, while Phoenix groaned inwardly as he heard the muffled weeping sounds of his meager pockets. Surely a place like this would cost a small fortune! What the hell was he going to do?! Had it been another restaurant, he would have offered to do the dishes to pay for his next meal, but in this case, he didn’t think that would be a likely possibility, any more than trying to use his “good looks” to pay for the bill!

Maybe somebody here will commit some sort of violent assault on another fellow nerd for hogging one of the video games, and I can offer to defend them for free if they’ll pay for my gaming for the night? He thought hopefully. Hey, stranger things have happened! I cross-examined a parrot, for the love of God!

They had almost reached the front door when suddenly the defense attorney’s phone rang. Looking down at the caller ID, he saw that it was Adrian Andrews.

“I’m going to take this and be with you guys in a moment. It would be too noisy for me to hear anything in there,” he told his friends. “You two go on ahead, I’ll meet you in the lineup.”

“See you later,” Edgeworth replied breezily, not seeming too concerned about having Maya to himself once more, then gallantly extended his elbow to his female companion. “Shall we, milady?”

Maya hesitantly glanced back at Phoenix for a moment, but he simply smiled and waved her on as he went to answer his cell. Shrugging, the spirit medium placed her hand on Edgeworth’s proffered arm and gave him a toothy grin.

“Holy Toledo, Miles! This poster says that they have the latest game from the Steel Samurai franchise – featuring the Copper Samurai and the Crimson Shogun!”

Shaking his head, Phoenix turned his attention back to the phone.

“What’s up, Adrian?”

“I’m so sorry to be bothering you on a Friday night,” the former manager of the demonic Matt Engarde began apologetically. “But I was put in charge of a new upcoming display at Lordly Tailor, and I was super excited about the idea, and I just wanted to run it by you first, really quickly, if you don’t mind?”

“Don’t worry about it,” he answered pleasantly. “Your call is a welcome interruption, trust me! What did you have in mind?”

Phoenix listened intently with a big smile as the blonde excitedly elaborated about organizing an exhibit called “Treasures of Kurain” as a way to thank him and the Feys for all they’d done for her.

“That sounds terrific, Adrian,” he said warmly. “I know Maya and Pearls will love it! It would also be a great way to bring publicity and potential business to Kurain Village.”

The two chatted for a few more minutes before Phoenix ended the call, and was just putting his phone back into his pocket when suddenly, a pretty woman in a red leather jacket, with motorcycle goggles resting atop her dark blonde hair, stormed out the doors, ignoring the pitiful sounds of the frail, redheaded man plaintively calling after her. His ginger locks, tightly wound into two side coils on either side of his head, resembled cinnamon buns, which bounced with every step.

“Dessie!” He wailed, running after the woman, who just continued stalking towards her motorcycle. “Pleeeeease! Don’t just ignore meeeeee!”

“Ignore you?” She snapped, crossing her arms and glaring at the man. “Ron DeLite, trust me, that frogmouth of yours makes that impossible to do! I cannot believe in a noisy place like that, where you could’ve landed a helicopter without anybody taking any notice, you still managed to clear the room, blast that poor man’s eardrums, as well as my own, and embarrass the living hell out of me, all in one shot!”

“It’s bad enough when I see the questioning looks we always get when we’re out together from strangers, who undoubtedly are wondering how a geeky guy like me wound up with a hot wife like you!” Ron whined pathetically. “But am I also to be so meek that I’m supposed to just stand by silently while some man is hitting on you, right in front of me?!”

“I’ve tried to be understanding about your ridiculous, unfounded insecurities, but for the gazillionth time, Ron, he wasn’t hitting on me, and you didn’t need to yell so loudly and scare not only the poor guy off, but also everybody within a 10 mile radius!” Dessie cried. “For one thing, he was simply inquiring about my motorcycle, because he saw us pulling up on it in the parking lot, and rest assured, it was the only thing about me that he was interested in taking for a ride!”

Her irate tone rose an octave.

“And for another thing, in case you somehow missed it, he was wearing more makeup than me and Lady Gaga combined! Also, his low-rise leather pants were so tight, you could tell that he had a quarter in his back pocket…and note the unmistakable fact that he was gayer than Richard Simmons singing a duet with Elton John in a Bath House!”

“You have to admit, the circumstances were bizarre!” Ron protested. “I mean, an allegedly gay guy coming up, out of the nowhere, and striking up a conversation with my beautiful wife, under the guise that he was in the market and shopping around for a motorbike… It just sounds so hard to believe! What else was I supposed to think, aside from the obvious?”

“You could have given both of us the benefit of the doubt!” She put her hands on her hips. “The poor fella was simply … bike curious!”

“I’m so sorry, sweetie!” Ron’s cheeks became the same shade as his hair. “But this is LA! It’s kind of hard to tell what’s what anymore, what with the metrosexual craze, and the streets littered with all these man-pretty fellas…”

“Fair enough, yet nevertheless, your ridiculous suspicions and consequent actions still got us kicked out of there before we could even use our day passes!” Dessie heaved a gusty sigh. “So there goes that plan for the night! The bouncer also made it very clear that these passes are non-refundable, so I guess we have no choice but to just chalk up our losses.”

“I loathe having to waste good money like that, when I’m sure there are other people out there that could enjoy these,” Ron murmured regretfully, and was just about to head to the trashcan located near Dessie’s motorcycle when he spotted Phoenix, who was trying very hard to innocently appear as though he hadn’t been eavesdropping on the entire conversation!

“Hey, buddy – were you about to head inside the arcade?”

“Actually, yes, I was just about to go and meet up with my friends.” Phoenix plastered on his most unassuming smile as Ron waved the two passes at him.

“Listen, my wife and I can’t use these passes, but they’re good for unlimited trips on all the rides and attractions in there, as well as all the video games for the rest of the night,” the slightly built man informed him. “It would be terrible to have them go to waste, so please, feel free to take these and enjoy them. Perhaps one of your friends can also benefit from it.”

Phoenix couldn’t believe his incredible good luck! Here he had been bemoaning his fate about not having any money for video games or anything of the sort and worried about seeming like a complete degenerate loser to Maya, and here, like a couple of angels, this sweet couple had materialized out of thin air and been the answer to his prayers!

He thanked the man and woman profusely for their generosity, wishing there was some way he could’ve possibly repaid Ron and Dessie DeLite for their kindness before he all but merrily skipped to the entrance.

Maya and Edgeworth were still waiting in the long entry line to buy their game cards.

“We were wondering what happened to you,” Edgeworth smirked as Phoenix walked up to them. “However, I wasn’t about to rule out the possibility that you weren’t above perhaps selling a few pints of blood out there in the parking lot to cough up the money for this place.”

“Don’t be silly, Miles!” Maya admonished playfully. “Nick has a credit card, so I’m sure it wouldn’t come to that!” She beamed at him. “Right, Nick?”

Had Phoenix not just been granted those heavenly-sent passes, he could’ve dropped dead of infuriated mortification that Edgeworth was essentially gloating about the fact that he had zero intention of repeating his generosity from the restaurant! Instead, the spiky-haired man silently maintained a benign expression as they reached the front of the line, and the prosecutor made a grand show of telling the sandy-haired youth standing behind the ticket booth that he’d be requiring the purchase of only two play-all-day passes.

“Certainly, Sir,” the teenage boy said politely, in a distinctive accent that Phoenix couldn’t quite put his finger on. “Your total cost will be – ”

It turned out the blue attorney wasn’t the only one who had taken note of the young man’s lilting cadence, as the still shit-faced Maya chose that exact moment to squeak like a fangirl!

“Omigod, I just love your voice!” She gushed as she clasped her hands to her chest. “I can’t quite place it though? It’s not quite English, but it sounds like sort of a spin-off to it?”

“Australian,” the teenager, whose name tag read Dylan, told her, his bright eyes lighting up with interest at the attention of the fawning, raven-haired beauty. “Obviously, I can’t hear it anymore, but you Yanks seem to like it, which seems to be a crucial point in my favor, amongst the fetching female population.”

Maya tittered girlishly and batted her lashes while Phoenix tried not to vomit in his own mouth and Edgeworth’s orbs narrowed dangerously at the boy’s innocuous use of that loaded adjective utilized in conjunction with the spirit medium.

“Your accent is sooo sexy, Dylan!” Maya cooed, mocha orbs shining. “But your voice is kinda refined; you so don’t sound like one of those famous outback guys that say ‘Good Day, Mate!’ You know, like that famous actor, The Crocodile Hunter, who’s famous for saying that movie line…” She affected the most horrendous Australian accent known to man. “That’s not a knife! THAT’s a knife!”

Edgeworth stared first at Maya, then at Dylan, who were both grinning at each other like a couple of goofy teenagers in a romantic comedy, and clenched his jaw.

“Oh yes, Australia, which boasts not only the deadliest and most treacherous creatures on earth but is both a continent and country.” He crossed his arms across his broad chest and assumed his most pompous, know-it-all tone. “I had the pleasure of visiting your homeland, Dylan, during my travels last year, and the man at airport customs asked me if I had a criminal record. To which I replied: ‘Oh, I didn’t realize that was still a requirement to enter here!”

Maya and Dylan merely gaped speechlessly at the prosecutor, as did Phoenix, who realized that his contender’s jealousy claws were far more venomous than any dangerous Australian animal!

How fascinating to know that you managed to squeeze in a trip to the southern hemisphere while you were playing dead last year, Edgeworth! Phoenix arched a brow at his adversary. Is it just me, or did his normally slight British intonation just get a whole lot more… snobby and English-sounding? Regardless, I better find some way to smooth over this majorly awkward silence while Sir Red Knight takes a moment to retract his fangs!

“Maya, I think you’re mistaking the late, great Steve Irwin, who was also known as The Crocodile Hunter, with Paul Hogan, who was otherwise known as the star of The Crocodile Dundee films.” Phoenix made a big point of placing a possessive hand on Maya’s shoulder and giving the teenage boy a pointed look.

Dylan ignored both the prosecutor’s obnoxious annotation as well as the defense attorney’s commentary and focused his attention back on Maya, who had shrugged out from underneath Phoenix’s hand and was now leaning further forward towards the ticket counter, twirling a lock of obsidian hair around her finger while smiling coyly.

“So you’re just a city slicker, are ya?”

“Sorry to disappoint you, Miss, but I’m no Outback Jack!” Dylan laughed. “I’m from Victoria, so there were no wrestling crocodiles for me whatsoever!”

“Oh, I’m not disappointed at all.” At this point, Phoenix was positive that Maya could’ve put out an entire birthday cake’s worth of candles with the endless fluttering of her lashes! “Your voice is simply divine, regardless! I’ve always been a sucker for accents… And you’re so tall too!”

Phoenix looked back and forth between Maya and the teen dubiously. While he supposed that anybody appeared tall compared to the petite spirit medium, who was barely over 5’0″ in height, this latest flirtation was beginning to get to him, as well! The last thing he needed was a second contender for Maya’s attention!

“Maya, he’s only 5’9″!” He exclaimed with exasperation. “Exactly the same height as me!”

“Are you 5’9″ too, Nick?” Maya finally pried her gaze away from Dylan and blinked innocently at Phoenix, as though suddenly realizing he was right there. “I never realized there were a good 8 inches between us!”

Phrasing!

“Perhaps that’s because his posture is so terrible,” Edgeworth injected acerbically, making a visible show of drawing himself up to his full height of 5’10.” “I do hope you realize all that slumping you do, Wright, will only more rapidly propel your hunchback self towards that Notre Dame Bell Tower as you age.”

“We are both the same age, Edgeworth!” Phoenix glowered at him while trying not to make it too obvious that he was self-consciously straightening his shoulders at the same time. “And I’m hardly veering towards the same league as Quasimodo… If you want to talk about rapid aging, how about we discuss the fact that
you already have gray hair?!”

Once again disregarding the dueling attorneys, Dylan flashed an impish grin at the necromancer.

“I’m only 16, so hopefully I’m still growing for another 5 years, yet,” the Australian replied meaningfully. “Although allow me to assure you, we do tend a mature faster coming from the land down under.”

“Age is just a number,” Maya grinned back. “I’m only 19, by the way. These grumpy old men are pushing 30!”

Edgeworth looked both shocked and indignant, and Phoenix felt his cheeks redden.

I’m only 26! The blue attorney grumbled mentally, but unlike Edgeworth, refused to make it as obvious that he was starting to get worried about this overly lengthy and way too friendly exchange between the two teens. I’m hardly due for the cane and adult diapers just yet!

“Maya, I’m sure this young man has work to do, and there is a large lineup of impatient-looking patrons forming behind us,” Edgeworth shot a steely look at Dylan. “Now, how much did you say those two passes were, young man?”

“Sorry, Sir, I nearly forgot.” Dylan blushed slightly at the not-so-subtle reminder that he was still on duty. “That will be…”

“Actually, you only need to buy one pass for yourself, Edgeworth.” Phoenix put on his best smarmy grin. “I can take care of me and Maya. After all, you already covered dinner.”

“Are you sure this won’t be too much of a strain, Wright?” Edgeworth looked at him suspiciously, while Phoenix fantasized about giving the other man a boot to the head for making him look so damn destitute, not only in front of Maya but a complete stranger, as well!

“Take that!” Feeling every bit as triumphant as he did in the courtroom whenever he bested his opponent, the spiky-haired man chose that exact moment to slap those glorious passes down on the counter, then put his hands on his hips and smirked at his fellow contender, while simultaneously reveling in the elated look of surprise on Maya’s face.

“Unlimited play-all-day passes for all video games and attractions?” She squealed. “Wow, these normally cost a fortune! How did you get these, Nick?”

“I have my ways.” Phoenix smiled smugly. “Surely, we can’t keep burning a hole in Edgeworth’s wallet the entire night, right? And besides, I rather like treating my favorite assistant to a night out every once in a while!”

“You’re the best, Nick!” Maya giddily lurched herself at Phoenix in a spontaneous hug, nearly knocking him backward with her effusiveness. “This is soooo great! Come on, let’s play!”

“I can’t wait!” Phoenix returned the embrace and flashed a surreptitious wink at the narrow-eyed Edgeworth over Maya’s shoulder.

“Here’s a map and guidebook for you all,” Dylan offered. “I reckon this is your first time visiting?”

“Yes, it is!” Maya eagerly poured over the information she’d been handed. “Thanks so much, Dylan!”

“No worries! Food is the typical pub fare with a twist: taking a page from the Boondocks, our signature 1UP burger is served on a glazed doughnut. If you want to lose all sense of taste and impress your friends with how fast you can drain your sinuses, try taking your cheesesteak, wings or burger to “Total Carnage” level, where ghost peppers and other varieties try to make your face do its best impression of the Toht Fail!” Dylan paused in his tour guide speech long enough to smile shyly at the spirit medium. “You all go have fun, but I’ll be getting my break shortly… would you mind if I came by and paid you a visit?”

“We’d love it!” Maya responded before either one of the attorneys could find some excuse to negate the self-invitation. “I’m Maya, by the way, and this is Phoenix and Miles. We’ll be around! See you soon!”

With that, she bounced away, leaving the dopey-smiling teenager staring after her like a love-struck puppy, and the two lawyers following Maya like obedient puppies, all of them suitably impressed with the ginormous, state-of-the-art marvel that was Joypolis of Japalifornia.

“Once you’re done with the bumper cars and the indoor roller coaster, make your way over to the coterie of over arcade games, old-school classics plus the latest. They also have vintage pinball machines from the ’50s, ’60s, ’70s,” Edgeworth read from the guidebook. “There are also skeeball lanes, a laser tag section, an indoor skating rink, and several restaurants, including a 50’s style diner, featuring roller girl waitresses, and also a pizzeria.”

At that exact moment, the threesome passed by the diner in question and paused outside the door to take a peek inside. Despite himself, Phoenix couldn’t help but do a double-take as he caught sight of a breathtaking, busty redhead whizzing about on roller skates. She looked like something out of a Marilyn Monroe movie in her formfitting, hot-pink dress! The figure-flattering uniform that she (and all the other equally comely diner waitresses) wore was a double-breasted style, with short, white trimmed, cuffed sleeves, and side pockets. An elastic back waist provided a snug fit, and over this was an apron with scallops and a tie in the back. White roller skates and a mini white satin sailor hat perched atop her head completed the pinup girl, retro look.

The blue attorney didn’t realize that he was still ogling the Rita Hayworth doppelgänger until he felt Maya elbow him in the side. Hard.

Grunting in pain, his head swerved away from the shapely server and turned to look at his assistant, whose hands, raised to chest level, were curled into fists.

“Take a picture, Nick, it’ll last longer!” She observed crossly, folding her arms across her chest and puffing out her cheeks. “Can we keep on moving, or did you want to take another hour or two to eye-bang the wait staff?”

Talk about hypocrisy! Phoenix exclaimed to himself. She gets to shamelessly flirt with Hugh Jackman Jr. while holding up the ticket line, but I get bruised ribs just for having a silent moment of appreciation for the roller girls here?!

“Objection! I was not, as you so crudely put it, eye-banging anyone, Maya!” He denied hotly. “I was simply taking in the authenticity of this quaint little diner, which seems to have done a great job of mimicking the 50s era… From its neon signs to the jukebox to the vinyl booths…”

“To the eye-pleasing waitresses…” Edgeworth drawled.

“I never even noticed them!”

“Right. By the way, Wright, the buxom redhead you were shamelessly ogling at had chunky thighs.”

“She did not!” The words slipped out of his mouth before he could stop them, earning an evil, victorious glint in the eyes of his oppugner, and a silky pout from Maya. Phoenix felt himself blushing furiously for having fallen for one of the oldest tricks in the book! “Um, not that I noticed or anything, heh, heh.”

“You would think to be the Baron of Bluffing, you’d be better at lying outside of court as well!” Maya huffed. “For Pete’s sake Nick, just admit you have a waitress-uniform fetish already! I can certainly pick one up and wear it around the office if it’ll make you happy! Sheesh!”

The idea of Maya Fey wearing a sexy waitress uniform was hardly an unappealing notion, and Phoenix felt his face only further reddening at the mental image it brought to his mind. Afraid that his thoughts were paraded across his forehead like a projection screen, he awkwardly cleared his throat and jammed his hands in his pockets.

“Let’s go play some games,” he mumbled. “Your pick Maya. Anything you want. I’m down for whatever.”

“Lead the way, milady.” The prosecutor ushered the way gallantly, biting back a smile as the still-irked Maya stomped off ahead of them. “Very smooth, Wright! Leering at the hard-working young ladies like some sort of perverse lecher is surely a great way to keep the dignity of your office, not to mention how much it must have impressed the fair maiden as well…”

“Oh, shut up, Edgeworth!” Phoenix growled in return. “And for the record, your opinion of me weighs less than sunshine!”

With that retort, he marched away from the prosecutor before he could reply, in hot pursuit of Maya, who now seemed miles ahead of them, and finally found her standing next to a bright, flashing light game, which was emitting loud noises. Two young boys, no older than 8 or 9, were happily bouncing upon it, their little bodies spasmodically flailing about, showing surprisingly little loss of coordination due to the blaring J-pop, which to Phoenix’s ears sounded more like a techno DJ choking to death on an air raid siren!

“They have DDR!” Maya was positively bouncing up and down her heels with exhilaration. “We’ve got to try this!”

“DDR?” Phoenix echoed blankly as a feeling of inexplicable dread filled his stomach. “What’s that?”

“Dance Dance Revolution,” a familiar voice inserted. The trio turned around to see Dylan, who was shaking his head at the lit-up machine with its blasting, pulsating music. “An arcade game frequented by people who look like they normally couldn’t dance. DDR is – in fact, a form of dance – more or less. The arrows, which guide the dancer in their steps, face the four cardinal directions and can be stepped upon in numerous combinations of patterns. The key to the game is the techno beat timing of your song of choice. Excellent dancers are known as “maniacs” and their dance performances reflect that title. Although originally intended for use in Japan, Americans secretly imported these DDR machines into their country until the game manufacturer, Konami, declared that exportation of DDR machines would be declared legal.”

The Australian’s voice grew rich with amusement as he took in their flummoxed expressions.

“Otherwise known as a secret plot by Konami to surreptitiously teach certain rhythm impaired sections of society the basics of bass lines by luring them with shininess onto the dance pad and then appealing to their video game competitiveness to force them to listen to that little part of their brain which can sense musical patterns. The game has some good songs, from ‘epilepsy-inducing to heartattackmotron!’ to ‘neon-pop pedophile lure,’ but is evil, because it has the power to possess people to do things they would not usually do, in full public view! The game may also be phase one in some kind of subliminal Japanese takeover of the world.”

“Cool!” Maya’s eyes lit up. “Does that mean you’ll play with us, Dylan?”

“Sorry, Maya.” The teen shook his head. “Dancing makes my synapses jump like beans in a tin! I’m more into sports. I would love to play some soccer or basketball simulation games or something like that if you all are up for it.”

“What if I put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me?” I’m pretty sure that was what the initial train of thought was to the first wretched man who invented sports! Phoenix felt himself beginning to sweatdrop. As much as he despised dancing, he hated sports even more. Both required copious amounts of grace and coordination, of which he was the first to admit, he had none!

“Now that you mention it, I believe I have heard of this game.” Edgeworth flashed a cocky smile at Phoenix, as though reading his mind. “A game that requires endurance, coordination, and good taste in music. Non-players dislike it, primarily because there’s no cheap way to cheat or bluff their way through it, much like they do in court.”

Phoenix glared at the other man. Now that Dylan had mentioned it, the ludicrous game was mighty familiar to him, as well.

DDR – The only game where your heart rate is a high score and replicates the worst bits of a rave by using J-Pop instead of drugs! It triggered the reinvention of arcades as exercise centers. Exergaming … An attempt to make players give the semblance of having seizures masked as dance moves, and makes them look as stupid as it’s possible to look without involving other people!

Maya bit her lip nervously as she looked at the young boys wrapped up in their dance session, their little feet moving at such lightning-fast speed, they appeared to be a blur!

“Guys, would you mind going ahead so I can see how it’s done?” She asked the attorneys imploringly. “I – I still feel a wee bit too … woozy to trust myself on that thing just yet.”

“I’m game if Wright is, Maya,” Edgeworth bowed grandly and inclined his head towards Phoenix, who flashed his assistant a sickly grin. “Shall we?”

Like you left me with any choice, you shit-weasel!

Phoenix gingerly placed his feet onto the metal floor and cautiously tapped his foot against one of the arrows.

“Just wait for the music, and follow the arrows,” Dylan advised kindly, then chuckled and turned to Maya. “If you play too much DDR, you will see arrows in your head every time you close your eyes, over the course of the hour following gameplay!”

Oh goody! The blue lawyer gulped. Can hardly wait to let Maya see, firsthand, that I have the grace of an elephant in a tutu!

The defense attorney glimpsed at the prosecutor, standing next to him on his side of the gamer floor, who was scrolling through the song selection, furrowing his brow as he intently studied each musical choice.

“Hey, have you ever done this before, Edgeworth?” Phoenix asked nervously. “Maybe we should start with one of the slower, easier ones…”

The words had barely left his lips when his frenemy treated him to what could only be described as a diabolical grin as he chose the song, and a very familiar pulsating beat began to play.

Phoenix’s heart plummeted down to his (two left) feet. Edgeworth had chosen the ultra-fast-paced beat of Gangnam Style by PSY- on expert level difficulty!

Miles Edgeworth, you 24 carat, filigree-encrusted cunt! He seethed. I’ll get you for this!

His face was burning with humiliation more than exertion as he first moved his elbows up and down, with his legs spread as far apart as possible, like a prostitute ready for business. Next, he quickly moved to cross his arms over his chest and frantically began gyrating his hips into a ludicrous motion, which he could only describe as squat thrusts! He felt himself huffing and puffing as he frantically tried to keep up with the movements on the screen, focusing on twirling, leaping, and moving his knees up and down, even though his dwindling score in comparison to Edgeworth’s showed that he had less rhythm than a spider on a trampoline!

A quick sideways glance at the prosecutor indicated that Edgeworth was having none of the same pained indignities and miseries that Phoenix was suffering through. In contrast, his limbs were moving as though he had so much energy, he could dance for millennia, and then some! As far as dancing went, Miles Edgeworth was a complete natural. Hands in the air, his body was moving like an uncoiling rope, his intense gray eyes on fire as he pivoted in a revolving whirl of sharp precision and accurate grace.

I SUPER-hate you, Edgeworth! The music moves me like I’m a puppet on strings, my head mashing so hard my brain is in shut down mode! There’s so much sweat on my skin and in my suit… at this point, it’s enough to float the Titanic! As I keep whirling about with as much grace as a medieval Mace… you are going all Lord of the Dance on my ass!

“Go, Miles!” Maya let out a whistle and cheer of appreciation. “Come, on, Nick, you can do it!” She added encouragingly, although he could have sworn he heard the barely disguised laughter in her voice. Not that he blamed her. Whereas he sucked harder than a Hoover, Edgeworth, in glaring contrast, was a natural dancing machine!

The prosecutor would’ve given Michael Flatley from Riverdance a run for his money, his magenta-clad legs flailing about as if completely independent from his body, pointed toes a complete blur, undulating hips looking as though they were made to sway, and his feet moving to the crazy beat as though they belonged to the music. In the meantime, Phoenix was sure his own slack jaw and glazed expression betrayed the litany of aggravated thoughts coursing through his mind as he nearly kicked himself in the shins trying to keep up with the ministrations, which now looked as though he were supposed to be mimicking lassoing a rope like a cowboy?!

DDR dancing game; a marathon of sorts; used to physically exert yourself, and make people at bowling alleys and arcades laugh at you! Stupid brain for making me do this! Stupid arm which is so badly flailing out of sync…

“Ha-ha! You suck, pee-pee man!” A very recognizable voice cackled with glee in the background, and Phoenix turned his head at the last split-second to see the little baseball hat-wearing brat from the movie theatre!

It was a huge mistake, as he wound up zigging when he should’ve been zagging, and wound up bumping butts with Edgeworth, who, utterly unfazed, just kept right on dancing!

Ugh! Guy butt touch! It was bad enough touching his hand at the movie theatre! Gah! That’s it! I quit! I am just not meant to excel in a game where you jump around like an Asian crackhead whore that has a dildo stuck up her ass, occasionally fall, and then get laughed at and mocked by all the spectating people standing around you!

“Forget this shizz!” He wheezed, jumping away from the game and staring daggers at the pint-sized nuisance, who was doubled over laughing and clutching his sides. “I’m done! Edgeworth, you win!”

Edgeworth insisted on finishing the song to the very end, receiving top-notch marks for his performance in the game, as well as a smattering of applause from the onlookers who had been watching and took a bow.

“Oh, Nick!” Maya giggled, reaching into her pocket, pulling out a napkin, and dabbing at his soaked, sweaty forehead with surprising tenderness. “Thank you so much for taking one for the team and going up there and demonstrating what not to do! I wasn’t sure how good I was going to be, but after seeing you in action, I think I can hold my own, just fine!”

Wow, what a weird way to simultaneously pick me up and kick me when I’m down!

Phoenix grunted in response, noticing with relief that the demon child had had his good laugh, but had gotten called away by the manatee, and was already gone. He closed his eyes against the welcome, cool feeling of the perspiration being wiped off his face.

“Where’s your boyfriend?”

“Very, funny, Nick! My friend, had to go, as he was only a 15-minute break but said he may catch up with us later.” Maya gave his arm a gentle squeeze and then smiled at Edgeworth. “Ready for a new challenger?”

“Can’t be any worse than my last one,” the prosecutor quipped, earning a giggle from the spirit medium.

“I’m going to get a drink from the water fountain,” Phoenix muttered and slunk off to do just that, noticing that Edgeworth and Maya were too busy doing a psychedelic bunny hop on speed to even notice his absence.

Uncaring of how unprofessional or undignified it looked, after drinking his fill, he dunked his face down into the cold water stream, reveling in the feel of it on his hot, sweaty face, then scooped a handful of the icy liquid into his palm and splashed some more onto his overheated skin.

“Hey, whippersnapper! Get your filthy paws out of the water fountain immediately! People put their mouths on that thing!”

Phoenix whirled around at the shrill sound of the disapproving voice, which he was all too acquainted with, and came face to face with Wendy Oldbag, her dried prune of a face looking as though she had just sucked a lemon, as was tradition.

Ugh! I thought I smelled the telltale rank aroma of her Phéromone d’Amour perfume!

“Ms. Oldbag!” He croaked in shock. “What are you doing here?”

“Security, Sonny!” Her wrinkled, beady little eyes raked him with scorn as she put her hands on her bony hips, which were clad in a customary navy security guard uniform. “I need to make sure this place is free from heathen-like behavior, which you were just exerting!”

“Sorry, I was hot from that dance game…”

“Excuses, excuses.” Her lip curled with disdain. “You whippersnappers don’t even know how lucky you are to even get video games! Why back in my day, we only had pinball machines!”

“I’ve got to get back to my friends,” Phoenix interrupted hastily, in no mood to listen to yet another mindless, rambling tangent and beginning to inch away. “It was nice seeing you again! Bye now!” He bolted away, hoping she wouldn’t follow and give chase.

“That’s right, interrupt a sweet little old lady while she’s talking!” She shouted after him. “Your generation has no manners whatsoever! Back in my day, the men would sit there lapping up every word that came out of my mouth, like a hungry puppy savoring fallen scraps from the dinner table…”

Yeah, eating off the ground was probably typical conduct since they were of the Cro-Magnon era, no doubt…

Shuddering at the narrow escape, Phoenix got back to the machine in time to see Maya and the prosecutor in a hurricane of ecstasy on the DDR to the tune of Barbie Girl by Aqua. She was slightly out of breath, but dancing like a rag-doll in a tornado with seamlessly synchronized rhythm alongside Edgeworth’s mellifluent, jutting movements as he danced like a snake being held by its tail.

The blue attorney then took his attention off the magenta-clad man, who, he noticed, with no small degree of irritation, had the kind of hair that not only seemed as sweat-proof as the rest of him, but seem to flow and fall back into place around his face in its perfect style, and instead focused his sights on Maya and his annoyance promptly vanished. The graceful spirit medium truly personified the term tiny dancer, her swaying moves nearly flawless. She managed to beat Edgeworth by a hair, which was all the more impressive, considering her drunken state, and Phoenix’s enthusiastic applause when they ended the song was heartfelt and genuine.

“You have moves that I’ve never seen, Maya Fey,” he praised, not even trying to mask the admiration in his tone. “I’m pretty impressed since I know you don’t have a secret DDR machine stashed in your basement that you must practice on daily, unlike Mr. Disco Inferno there!”

“I’ll have you know I do not own one of these machines whatsoever!” Edgeworth retorted. “It’s not my fault that Manfred Von Karma insisted that Franziska and I take every kind of dance lesson imaginable growing up, and it’s a skill that never wavered!”

“Yet what a completely inappropriate song you chose to demonstrate those acquired dance moves!” Phoenix countered. “Kiss me here, touch me there, hanky-panky?!”

“What on earth are you jabbering about now, Wright?” The prosecutor demanded disgustedly. “As a child of the 90s, I remember all the young children were listening to that song!”

“Never realizing how suggestive and lewd some of the lyrics were!” Phoenix shot back. “Make me walk, make me talk, do whatever you please, I can act like a star, I can beg on my knees? Come jump in, bimbo friend, let us do it again, hit the town, fool around, let’s go party?!”

“What a sordid mind you have!” Edgeworth’s face turned puce. “I never even considered…”

“Bimbo friend?” Maya echoed, frowning slightly. “I guess I was too busy trying to keep up with Miles to really pay much attention to the borderline crude lyrics!”

“That’s because you have better things to do than dissect a teenybopper song, Maya! Who pays attention to song lyrics, anyway?” Edgeworth sniffed. “Song verses are normally meaningless and are written keeping the beat and tune in mind, and naught else!”

“I disagree wholeheartedly.” Phoenix placed his hands on his hips and shot the gray-haired man a combative look. “I think there’s a lot to be said in song lyrics! Let me pick the next game we play and I’ll prove it to you!”

“I cannot wait to see him try to prove this bluff,” Edgeworth mumbled under his breath as he reluctantly followed Phoenix and Maya a few rows over to a game station called Rock Band 4, which had a drum controller, featuring 4 pads, a bass drum pedal, and real drumsticks, a Fender Stratocaster Controller guitar, which featured 10 frets, a whammy bar, and an effects switch, and a USB microphone. Phoenix immediately grabbed the mic, then began scrolling through the song list.

“Oh, I feel like banging on something, so I am going to be the on the skins!” Maya announced, flopping down on the small stool in front of the drum set. She smiled sheepishly. “Plus I’m kind of worn out and lightheaded from that crazy dancing, so I need to sit my little heinie down!”

“I guess that leaves me with the guitar.” Edgeworth picked up the instrument and raised an eyebrow at Phoenix. “I suppose this interactive music video game is somehow going to help you prove your point about meaningful lyrics?”

As he frantically scrolled through the song list, Phoenix was beginning to wish he hadn’t spoken so confidently, and could already feel the stressful sweat forming in his temples as he rejected song after song.

Dammit! I’ve never before had a chance to show off the fact that my geeky self was in the glee club in high school, and I thought I could showcase my pipes to Maya, and let her know that even though I can’t dance, I can sing… sorta …Grrr! Van Morrison – Brown-Eyed Girl. The Cure – Friday I’m in Love. The Scorpions – No One Like You … While I’m pretty sure I could perform any of these rock anthems and do them some justice, none of these lyrics prove the point I want to make…Aha! Gotcha!

“You guys ready?” He asked his friends.

They nodded.

“Two…three…four…” And he began belting it out with everything he had.

His heart pounding nervously, Phoenix cast a sideways glance at Maya during a musical refrain to gauge her reaction to the song and saw that she had stopped tapping on the drums at this point and was staring at him searchingly, with a confused and possibly…hopeful… expression on her pretty face.

Swallowing hard, he continued to sing the verse once more to the song.

---

Sweet wonderful you,
You make me happy with the things you do…
You, you make loving fun,
And I don’t have to tell you, you’re the only one.
You make loving fun…

---

As soon as the song was over, a small crowd, which none of them had paid any mind to but had steadily been gathering while the triad had been doing their impromptu band performance, burst into an even louder round of applause than they were given after spectating their dance-a-thon on the DDR machine.

Phoenix blushed furiously, and out of the corner of his eye, saw the wary look on Edgeworth’s face as he was forced to eat his own words… But moreover, he couldn’t tear his unblinking stare away from Maya, whose searching gaze was intently looking right back at him, as oblivious to their surroundings as he was.

Who pays attention to song lyrics, anyway?

Phoenix Wright did.

And so did Maya Fey.

---

Fleetwood Mac – You Make Loving Fun