3 Monkey In The Middle

Notes:

JP- Word of the day – incontinent! Oops, wrong fan-fic! (yet somehow, still applicable!) :p

6GS- OMG! Let’s watch the movie already!

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Edgeworth was silently fuming to himself as he watched his rival be pulled away to the theatre by his tiny, excitedly burbling, office assistant, in the manner of a tugboat leading an ocean liner, smirking triumphantly over his shoulder while taking off with the fair maiden!

And all the while, sticking him with the bill for new popcorn, and making him wind up with his egg on his face to boot! It was unbelievable! Maya had seriously thought that he had been the clumsy buffoon to knock over the bucket of greasy kernels!

Swallowing back an angry mutter, the DA reluctantly resumed his place in the ridiculously long concession line, crossing his arms across his chest and impatiently tapping his index finger against his arm while looking down at the garish face of his Filip Patek. The movie would be starting in five minutes!

Of all the underhanded, sneaky, devious ploys…dammit, I’d somewhat admire his treacherous adversarial skills if  I  wasn’t the opponent in this battle! Who’d have thought that Mr. Supposed  Nice Guy had it in him?

He bit back an agitated curse as he waited for the painstakingly slow teenager behind the counter to serve the morbidly obese woman standing at the front of the long line, who seemed determined to order the entire concession stand for herself!

No wait – she had a child with her. The little moppet just had been hidden behind his mother’s immense girth.

“Hmmm…” The woman put a thoughtful finger to one of her many wobbly chins. “That’s the jumbo-sized popcorn with double, double butter. The soft pretzel and hot dog combo…What else…could I also get a package of Twizzlers, one cheese and nachos, two packages of Raisinettes, one package of Junior Mints, one peanut M &M’s, and a pack of milk duds…” she turned to her son then. “Now is there anything you would like, Cody?”

The chess lover scowled. Good Lord! The child with the behemoth in the Mumu couldn’t have been more than seven – was she honestly going to pretend that he could even put a dent in that pile of food that would have fed a small army, and which was all undoubtedly solely for her? For crying out loud, she was ordering more food than Maya herself had!

Albeit, not by much…

“Aw Mom, I don’t want any of this crappy stuff!” The boy scowled, crossing his arms and looking sulkily at the enormous mass of flesh next to him. “I just want to go get our seats! The Steel Samurai starts soon!”

“Don’t be difficult, Cody!” The woman’s voice was shrill, and her jowls quivered as she frowned at her son. “Surely you’re not expecting me to eat all this food myself?”

I am astonished you are continuing this inconceivable ruse that he will be partaking in any of that gluttonous fare! All of which, undoubtedly, is meant to land nowhere but within the cavernous recesses of your stomachs, Madam! Edgeworth mused grumpily, his right foot now steadily matching the tapping of his finger. Who knew what moves Wright would be making to stake his claim at the moment while taking advantage of Edgeworth’s absence? For the love of God, man! Let’s get this line moving! Just pick something! Anything!

“Cody!” The Blob glowered at the baseball-cap-wearing moppet. “I am not budging from here until you pick something to eat! Otherwise, you’ll only wind up asking to eat from whatever I ordered halfway through…which may be gone by then!”

Oh heaven, forbid your porcine self shares a portion of your gargantuan fodder stash with your insolent offspring!

“Or you’ll be upset that I didn’t get something you liked!”

Finicky little whelp! You’d think from that smörgåsbord selection of the entire stand  – most of which she’s already ordered! – there’d be something he’d fancy! Pity Mountain Mama here doesn’t share her child’s discerning appetite. I’m most concerned about her blood pressure…

“Fine!” Cody conceded moodily, as though doing his mother a big favor. “A box of Whoppers then!”

Oh, thank heavens… Edgeworth looked up in relief from his cell, from which he’d quickly sent out a set of detailed instructions to Geoffrey, his manservant, and hastily tucked it back in his pocket. Maybe now I can finally order!

“A jumbo popcorn with extra butter,” he told the girl behind the concession stand when it was finally his turn. He caught sight of the boy and woman at last lumber off towards the theatre Phoenix and Maya had headed to, the latter’s arms laden with enough food to feed a small, third-world nation. He grimaced disdainfully at the sight of the greasy, glistening kernels when the bucket, large enough to bathe an infant in, was handed to him.

“Is that everything, sir?” The young cashier asked. “Did you want anything else? Some drinks or candy?”

Candy? Eureka!

Suddenly, Edgeworth had an idea. A wonderful, awful idea. A slow smile curved over his lips.

“A box of those large, chocolate balls, please, Miss. The, ah…Whoppers.”

The lights were still on, and the trailers were still playing when he finally got to the packed movie theatre. He spotted his companions immediately – his rival’s spikes could be seen from a mile away – plus, in his blue business suit amongst a sea of casually dressed movie-goers, he stuck out like a sore thumb.

They two had been forced to get seats close to the front row before the screen, only three rows back, so they would undoubtedly have to crane their necks back a tad to see the film properly.

In spite of himself, Edgeworth couldn’t help but feel a twinge of amused pity for Phoenix as he neared the two. It was impossible not to catch the look of undisguisable ennui on the other man’s face as he listened to Maya’s endless chatter.

Cheerfully oblivious to the nearly soporific state of her companion, the spirit medium continued to prattle on about the tragedy of the fallen Neo Olde Tokyo at the hands of the Evil Magistrate, and the hardships the Pink Princess and Steel Samurai would need to overcome to conquer Japanifornia, while Phoenix nodded intermittently to seem like he was interested and even remotely understanding a word she was saying.

He must really be determined to win this battle if he’s subjecting himself to this! Edgeworth noted wryly as he made his way over to them. The man is so blasé about the subject that he can barely keep his eyes open just hearing about it – how will he make it through the next two hours?

He shrugged mentally.

No matter to me – that’s Wright’s problem!

Edgeworth came upon them and cleared his throat.

“Milady, your popcorn as you requested.”

“Miles! You made it just in time!” The girl greeted him happily, her lips curved up into a pretty smile. “Did you remember to get extra butter?”

“Your wish is my command,” he replied smoothly, handing her the mountainous bucket and taking the seat next to her, which luckily, was in the aisle. “Here you go.”

“Glad to see you didn’t spill any again on the way back, Edgeworth,” Phoenix remarked smugly. “It would be a shame to have another unfortunate…accident.”

“Yeah, thanks for returning with the full load this time, butterfingers,” Maya teased, her dark eyes dancing. She lightly socked him in the arm when she saw his frown and flashed her familiar toothy grin. “I’m just yanking your chain, Miles!”

Edgeworth smiled benignly in return, even though internally he was seething.

You’ll pay for that, Wright!

He sat down in his seat and casually stretched out his arms, as if from a yawn, and dropped his right one around the necromancer’s slender shoulders, expecting to feel the silky raven tresses that fell down her back. Instead … he felt another hand back there – rough, calloused, distinctly male one!

“Ahh!” Phoenix yelped, jerking his hand away as if it’d been scorched. “Edgeworth man, what the shit? Get off of me!”

“Ngh!” The barrister recoiled and glared at his rival. “Wright, what on earth are you doing with your hand back there?”

“What am I doing?” Phoenix glowered back at him. “What the hell are you doing with your hand back there?”

“Guys, what in Mystic Ami’s name are either of you doing, trying to be all lovey-dovey and hand-holding behind my back for?” A perplexed Maya demanded, her irked eyes swiveling first to Phoenix and then Edgeworth in annoyed disbelief. “Did you lovebirds want me to move? Or leave you fellas alone so you can cuddle?!”

“That won’t be necessary, Maya.” Edgeworth felt his cheeks redden. “It was just a mere misunderstanding.”

“Yeah, Maya, don’t worry. I’m sure Edgeworth can go and be gay on his own time!”

“Wright! How dare you imply –”

“Sorry, Edgeworth, you’re not my type!” The Turnabout King smirked. He reached into the bucket perched on Maya’s lap and grabbed a handful of popcorn. “And if I were gay, I’d like to think I could do better than you!”

“You foolish, lying, presumptuous…”

“Ugh, Maya, why do you insist on getting so much grease on this stuff?” Phoenix complained, cutting off Edgeworth’s rant and distastefully surveying his dripping fingers as the lights slowly started to dim. “I can see my reflection in my hand, for Pete’s sake! Hey Edgeworth, you got any napkins?”

“Hey mom, look, down there! Seats!” A young boy’s voice suddenly called out.

Glancing behind him, Edgeworth saw the same enormous woman and her son from the concession line coming down the aisle towards them. And as luck would have it, there were only two empty seats left in the entire theatre, which were next to Phoenix, in the middle of the row. He smirked to himself.

Perfect. Time to put phase one of the retaliation revenge plan into action!

“I think I stashed some in my pocket.”

Edgeworth was smirking to himself as he fished a few napkins out … while at the same time, discreetly opening the box of Whopper balls and dropping the contents of the box onto the sticky theatre floor at his feet as he did so. Maya was too busy shoveling popcorn into her mouth to notice this, and Phoenix was too preoccupied with drying his buttery hands onto the proffered serviettes to have taken note of the action.

The small boy easily squished past the seated three into the seat furthest away from the defense attorney, but the oversized lady, arms laden with food and precariously balanced soda, was not as graceful. Edgeworth was quick to stand and let her squeeze by while managing to haul Maya up and pull her protectively against his side – just as disaster struck.

In the darkness of the theatre, with such a full food-load on her person, the poor behemoth was unable to see where she was going – or walking. As Edgeworth had planned, she stumbled on the Whopper balls, slipped her footing on the effectively planted chocolate globes on the ground beneath her, and clutched her precious load of snacks against herself as she lost her balance, in an attempt to cushion her inevitable fall.

She was only partially successful.

The corpulent mass planted herself onto the poor, unsuspecting Phoenix bosom-first – so her gigantic breasts beaned him in the face just as her drink went flying … right into his lap.

“Oof!”

“Cheese and rice!” Phoenix cried in horror, springing up from his seat and staring down in dismay at his now soaking wet trousers.

Edgeworth bit his cheeks to keep from laughing. This had worked out better than he’d hoped! He’d figured that the spilled candy would have at best made the woman trip and land with her can’t-miss, hefty chest suffocating his rival’s face, but this had worked out even better!

“I am so sorry, young man! Are you alright?” The woman huffed apologetically, heaving her miraculously intact remaining edible cargo at her son as she flopped down on the seat next to the lawyer, offering him a sickly, contrite grin. “I seemed to have lost my balance somehow!”

“Along with most of your drink…” Phoenix spluttered, frantically dabbing at the soda-wet patches on his suit with the napkins he still had in his hand.

Unfortunately, most of the liquid had fallen onto the front of his pants.

“Hey, mister, it looks like you peed your pants!” The boy guffawed loudly as he pointed to the wet area in the crotch part of the red-faced attorney’s slacks. “Haw-haw!”

“Oh dear, Nick!” Maya giggled, then looked away guilty as he glared at her. She ceased her twittering and hastily passed him over more of the napkins Edgeworth so ‘generously’ offered. “Sorry, but it does look like you had a little accident!”

“Tee-hee!” The boy loudly snickered, pointing at the humiliated lawyer, to the merriment of everyone else in their row, despite the embarrassed shushing attempts of his mother. “I know what you did!”

“Kid, will you just shut up already!” Phoenix shot his most menacing glare at the little semen demon while hastily trying to dry himself off.

“Nick!” Maya scolded. “You can’t yell at him like that! He’s just a little boy!”

“That’s not all he is!” Phoenix retorted, but before he could say anything more, at that moment his phone started ringing loudly, playing the Steel Samurai ringtone.

“Nick!” Maya hissed. “Didn’t you turn off your ringer?! That is so rude and inconsiderate to other movie guests!”

“I don’t know how!” He cried in distress, struggling to juggle the still-ringing phone whilst trying unsuccessfully to mop at himself and turning crimson at the aggravated murmurs of the theatre patrons around him. He tossed his phone to Maya. “Here, you figure it out!”

Maya quickly grabbed his cell, but then her eyes widened at something she saw on the screen, and she looked up at her friend in suspicion…and unconcealed bewildered hurt.

“What the hell, Nick? Did you really break plans with some chick named Tiffany to come out to the movies tonight?”

“T-Tiffany? Wh- what?” He spluttered. “I don’t know any Tiffany!”

“Well, she knows you!” Maya snapped, a frown flickering across her face as she peered down at the screen again. “And she says you can make it up to her, later tonight…at her place!”

“Maya – I swear to you, I don’t…”

“Excuse me, Sir,” An usher swooped down on them then. “I’m going to have to ask you to please turn off your phone, take your seat, and quiet down. You’re disrupting other guests and the movie is about to start.”

“I’m sitting, I’m sitting!” Phoenix flopped back down in his chair as the opening credits began and somehow managed to shut his phone completely off before turning to Maya, whose arms were crossed across her chest as she stared straight at the screen. “There! I turned it off, are you happy now?”

“Even if I were, I am sure Tiffany isn’t going to be, now that she thinks you first ditched her and are now ignoring her!” Maya grumbled, taking an enormous handful of popcorn out of the tub and cramming it into her mouth while refusing to look at him. “Not that I care one way or another!”

Edgeworth stifled a chuckle and popped a kernel into his mouth as he settled comfortably into his seat.

Geoffrey, my ever loyal butler, I must remember to give you a raise tonight!