4 Odd Man Out

Phoenix blinked up at the screen; he had no idea what was going on. A sidelong glance told him that his assistant was leaning over toward Edgeworth; probably because he was practically slumped over the armrest that separated him from her. Not that he had much of a choice – what with the manatee sitting beside him. The beefy woman completely overflowed the theatre seat, which was a pretty generous size, to begin with! Rolls of doughy flesh spilled over the armrest that separated her from the attorney, forcing him to lean toward Maya.

The psychic, probably still huffy over Tiffany’s texts, seemed determined to pretend he no longer existed. Or maybe she was just that into the movie. But she and Edgeworth were sharing what seemed to be an intense whispered conversation.

The defense lawyer frowned and put a hand over his temple. It was all his fault she was doing this. He shouldn’t have provoked someone with the nickname “Demon Prosecutor” – Phoenix wouldn’t stand a chance! All that fleeting moment of victory got him was a soda-soaked crotch, while simultaneously chasing Maya into Edgeworth’s waiting arms.

He didn’t know why it bothered him so much — it’s wasn’t like he was going to try and get a piece – geez, ewww … Maya was practically his little sister!

…wasn’t she?

Phoenix frowned at the overly choreographed antics of the costumed samurais – he didn’t even know who he should root for. This was the most ridiculous movie he’d ever come to the theatre to see — unless you counted the new re-made Lone Ranger – he didn’t think it should count if he’d walked out of the movie.

His gaze slid surreptitiously toward Maya again. She was giggling at Edgeworth.

Phoenix tried to choke back his rise in ire and scowled.

What was his problem? His friend had every right to go after the DA, right?

But then why did it feel so wrong? Why did he feel the need to protect her so?

“Hey, Maya,” Phoenix whispered loudly in her direction. He had to repeat himself twice more. The third time, the fat lady beside him must have heard, because she paused in her endless munching to shush him.

The brunette whipped a glare in his direction before turning her attention to the screen.

“What do you want, Nick? I’m trying to watch the movie!”

He swallowed and slumped further into the confines of his seat with his elbows in his lap and his head down in contemplation. On his other side, the manatee struck up her munching and he settled into the din from the movie interspersed with her loud eating.

“Mom!” Phoenix couldn’t see the little boy, but his voice was high and demanding. “Mom, can I have some nachos?”

“I knew it! That’s why I told you to get something, Cody!”

Maya was suddenly on top of him, shushing the fat lady.

“Shhh! Keep it down, okay?”

“Shush yourself!” The Manatee snapped. “Mind your own business, Harajuku Mini Girl!”

Maya all but jumped across Phoenix to get to the fat lady, but he caught her in his arms and held fast.

“Maya!”

“Let me go, Nick! I’m gonna –!”

Abruptly, a bright light shone in their faces.

“This is a warning, guys,” the usher whispered harshly, “If you don’t settle down, I’ll have to ask you to leave.”

Maya dropped back into her seat and crossed her arms huffily. Edgeworth leaned over her to glare at the blue attorney. Phoenix crossed his arms as well and forced himself to stare at the screen.

OK, so this whole thing has become the worst disaster I ever could’ve imagined….

“Mom! Can I have some money so I can get my own nachos?”

“Cody, stop! Do you want to watch this movie or not?”

“But I’m hungry, Mom!”

Phoenix felt Maya tense up on his other side. He almost felt the heat radiating from her glare.

I’ll take care of this!

“Hey, ma’am?” Phoenix said to the Manatee. “Could you guys keep it down, please?”

“I thought I told y’all to mind your business!”

“I’m not trying to get into your bus— you have like, enough snacks to feed an entire high school full of stoned teenagers! Just share with the kid already —so the rest of us can watch the movie!”

The manatee extended one doughy arm and punched him with a pudgy fist right in his chest. Because of the precarious angle at which he was sitting he tumbled over Maya and landed right into Edgeworth’s lap.

“Wright!”

“Nick — what are you —?”

“That does it! I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

“Wait, all of us?!” Maya sounded devastated.

“Look, there seems to have been some misunderstanding here – ”

“It’s my fault,” the spiky-haired man interrupted the prosecutor’s attempt to talk his way out of it. “I’ll go and wait in the lobby.”

The usher was still holding his flashlight in their faces, indecisiveness warred over his pimply features.

Phoenix pushed past the barrister and stood in the aisle.

“Just … Just let them finish the movie.”

“I can’t just —”

“I’m a lawyer,” he stated firmly. “I can sue you and this theatre chain if you don’t let my friends finish their show!”

“Fine,” the usher conceded and Phoenix walked toward the exit with the theater employee on his heel.

I guess this is me losing…

He frowned and pushed out of the theatre where the dimly lit corridor seemed almost overly bright after the darkness of the cinema.

“How long before the movie is over?” He asked the usher.

“About an hour,” the kid was trying to give him a haughty expression, but it was lost in the acne and adolescence.

“Alrighty then.”

Phoenix turned and tugged on his ear as he made his way toward the lobby. A heavy sinking feeling was starting to settle in his stomach. Fleeting glimpses of Edgeworth and Maya locked in a passionate make-out session in the dark theatre hovered in his mind. He was starting to feel sick again.

“Dude! I guess you didn’t make it!”

He looked up, startled to realize the comment had been directed at him. A woman pointed and laughed while her husband stood beside her, seeming slightly embarrassed. The legist peered down at himself.  Oh, yeah, he’d almost forgotten – he’d received a crotch-full of fizz!

Phoenix tucked his chin, hunched his shoulders, and started walking faster, searching for the nearest bathroom. He pushed the door in with more force than was necessary and glared around the large space.

It was blessedly empty.

Finally,  something’s going my way.

He walked past the row of urinals and started expressing paper towels from the dispenser. He paused to assess the damage in the mirror. Good thing he wore a dark blue suit – at least the wetness wasn’t too obvious. He pressed the paper towels against his afflicted area.

Stupid sticky soda … This isn’t going to work.

He glanced once around the bathroom and then bent over to peer under the stalls. At least he was alone. Phoenix pulled off his suit jacket and hung it up in the nearest stall, then he undid his belt and slid down his pants. He hopped around awkwardly on one foot as he dropped his shoe and pulled one pant leg free and then switched legs. He slid his loafers back on and went to rinse his trousers in the sink.

Thankfully, the tight weave of his suit and the liner inside had prevented the sticky liquid from seeping into his drawers.

The lawyer stared at himself in the mirror and frowned.  There he was, standing in a public restroom, and letting the water run over his trousers, with his sleeves rolled up and the tails of his shirt hanging over his boxers. He only had on black socks and black loafers. He’d never looked or felt so absolutely ridiculous in his entire life.

Phoenix watched the stream of water. It was running clear now, no longer tinged brown with cola. He turned off the faucet and started to dab at his trousers with paper towels. He took his time. After all, Maya and Edgeworth would still be in the movie.

When his pants were no longer dripping, he carried them over to the automatic hand dryer and let it run. He had to restart it a few times, but it seemed to be working – even if the process was tediously slow. At least when he was done, no one would ever know the difference. There’d be no leftover telltale signs of this little wardrobe fiasco at the movie theatre.

Just then, the door opened. The lawyer felt his heart leap into his throat; he was still standing there holding his trousers under the hand dryer while the rush of air whipped around the hair on his legs.

It was a little boy — the same little boy who’d laughed at him about his ‘accident’!

“Gah!” Phoenix was still trapped by the hand dryer— unwilling to let his efforts go to waste.

“Hey, mister! Why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“Go away, little boy!” He shot the kid what he hoped was a steely glare. “Nothing to see here!”

“I get it!” the boy grinned evilly. “It’s ‘cuz you wet yourself!”

Phoenix gnashed his teeth and tried his best to ignore the brat. He stared at the blue material of his trousers and waved them methodically under the hot air pouring from the hand dryer. It probably wouldn’t let him start it again without waiting for it to cool off. He was certain these things had some kind of overheating prevention shut-off thingy.

The dryer stopped automatically and he held his pants out into the light. They were still a little damp, but one couldn’t really tell unless they were looking for it. It wasn’t great but it would do.

He slid his pants back on and was still in the middle of tucking the tails of his shirt back in when the twerp burst from one of the stalls with a shout and ran up to the sink beside him and started scrubbing his hands under the water from the faucet.

“At least you put your pants back on, pee-pee man!”

Phoenix scowled at him and zipped up his trousers.

“Hey, you’re going to miss the movie.”

“Are you kidding? It’s all this mushy lovey-dovey crap with the Pink Princess…”

“Where’d you learn to talk like that?”

“Where’d you learn to pee your pants, mister?”

Phoenix made a face at the kid and then went to retrieve his jacket.

“You were there!  You know I didn’t – ”

The boy guffawed loudly and pointed at him.

“Pee-pee man!”

Phoenix groaned and stomped toward the bathroom exit. As he pushed out into the corridor and made his way to the lobby, he was dismayed to find that the crotch goblin was still following him.

“What do you want, kid?”

“Say, mister,” the boy grinned at him. “Will you buy me a slushie?”

“Say what?” He frowned at the little gobshite.

What the hell? One, I can’t even buy myself a slushie, never mind two! Also, what the hell?

“Um…” He put his hands on his hips. “Shouldn’t you ask your mom?”

“She’s all into all that kissy-kissy crap and won’t listen to me,” the boy snorted.

“So, your mom is cool with you asking random strangers to buy you things?”

“You’re not a stranger, mister! I’ve seen your boxers!”

Phoenix could feel the heat prickle from his hairline down to his shoulders.

This is wrong on so many levels…

“I’m sorry, kid, but I don’t think it’s right for you to follow me around. You should go back to your mom.”

“Just give me the money and I’ll buy the slushie myself!”

“I don’t – hey, you can’t just go randomly asking people to buy you things! That’s not how the world works, kid!”

The boy waved a hand dismissively at Phoenix and turned back toward the theatres.

Thank God! That was a close call!

He strolled casually into the lobby, which had cleared out now that most of the features were running. A cop was standing against the wall and watching the people filter in and out. Phoenix caught him staring and walked up to him.

“Is everything all right, officer?” He asked casually.

“You tell me,” the officer crossed his arms and glared at him. “You seem a little lost wandering around the lobby like that.”

“I had to leave the movie — it was just awful.” He grinned sheepishly and rubbed the back of his neck.

The cop seemed to relax a bit.

“What movie did you come to see?”

“Oh, um…” Phoenix paused and tried to remember the name of the movie. “The Steel Samurai… Um… Something like that…”

“Oh.” The cop shook his head. “Never heard of it.”

“Yeah, it’s a foreign film, I think…”

“So you’re just going to hang around in the lobby? I can’t let you loiter around here, you know.”

“Well, um…” Phoenix grinned awkwardly. “I’m waiting for my friends to get out.”

“Oh. I see.”

Phoenix stared ponderously at the cop and the other man looked away from him and pretended to study other parts of the lobby.

“Say, officer?”

He’d startled the cop but still got a smile.

“What is it, buddy?”

“You look like a reasonable guy, so I…well… I want to ask you a hypothetical if that’s all right?”

“Shoot, buddy,” the cop smiled. “I can’t guarantee I’ll answer your question, but it ain’t against the law to ask it.”

“If you had a friend, that you cared a lot about — like a sister, and she was all up on this guy — who’s like, kinda evil. But you know, not really … But still, you were uncomfortable with them being … an item… What would you do?”

The cop looked at him and his eyebrows rose inquisitively.

“I guess I’d try to stop them from getting together.”

“Yeah, so it’s not crazy to try and stop them, right?”

“I don’t think so.”

“What if you’d messed up and ended up having them join forces against you?”

The cop chuckled and shook his head.

“I don’t know buddy, I’d say you’ve gotten yourself into quite a pickle!”

The spiky-haired man frowned slightly; his disappointment had become palpable and weighted the air around him like a bog.

“Yeah… I guess you’re right…”

“Maybe, y’all should go out for drinks or something, and talk it over? Or like dinner or something…”

He grinned at the cop and gave him a confident nod of appreciation.

“Thank you, officer! I hope you have a good evening!”

“You too, buddy,” the cop saluted with two fingers to his forehead.

Phoenix sighed and walked over toward the doors, feeling like he suddenly had a way to salvage this.

Now he just had to wait for that movie to get out.

He didn’t have too much longer to wait before the crowds started pouring into the lobby as a few of the features finished up. He stood with dignity near the doors; shoulders squared, hands in his pockets, and scanned the crowd for Edgeworth and Maya.

He saw Edgeworth first — he could spot that stupid hair anywhere — and was dismayed to see Maya hanging off of his arm.

But Phoenix didn’t waste too much time moping, he had a plan. And Edgeworth wouldn’t know what hit him.

“Wright,” Edgeworth smirked as he and Maya approached. “It was very kind of you to step out and allow us to finish the movie. I was concerned that there might have been an altercation.”

Phoenix grinned winsomely.

“Oh, it’s nothing, Edgeworth. After all, what are good friends for?”

He noted happily that his assistant smiled at his comment.

“Did you enjoy the movie, Maya?”

“Of course, Nick.” She looked up at the prosecutor longingly. “Do you guys want to do something else?”

Ha! Perfect!

“Well, I think I’m going to call it –” Edgeworth began.

“How about dinner?” Phoenix suggested cheerfully. “I’m hungry!  Are you hungry, Maya?”

Like I need to ask!

“Sure, Nick! That sounds awesome!”

“Er…” Edgeworth glared at him. “I hadn’t planned on – ”

“Come on, man,” Phoenix clapped a hand on his shoulder. “You should hang out! We never see enough of you outside of the courtroom!”

“He’s right, Miles!” Maya agreed, much to the lawyer’s delight.

This couldn’t have worked out better if I’d planned it!

“What did you have in mind?” Edgeworth was obviously conceding – he was probably thinking he could get into Maya’s…

GAH! Don’t think about it!

“Burgers!” Maya grinned and pumped a fist in the air enthusiastically.

“How about — LA Prime,” Phoenix smiled and shot Edgeworth his best puppy dog stare.

Edgeworth swallowed.

“I’m surprised you know of it…” he muttered.

Jerkface!

“If it’s too fancy for you, Edgeworth.” Phoenix crossed his arms. “I guess we could always look for the nearest McDonalds or Burger King…”

Edgeworth’s eyes went wide.

“I never meant … Let’s go then. They know me at the Bonaventure. I’m sure they won’t mind if we’re a bit casual tonight.”

Phoenix followed behind them as Edgeworth led Maya across the parking lot to his car. He rubbed his hands together.

Gotcha!