8 A Saxicoline Schmuck, A Spirit Medium And A Steel Samurai Supporter

“Tonight’s the big night, Nick!” Maya crowed excitedly. “You’d better not have made any other plans!”

“Why’s that?” Phoenix asked his assistant absently, barely looking up from his paperwork. “What’s so special about tonight?”

“Are you serious?” The spirit medium puffed out her cheeks in annoyance. “I cannot believe you forgot!”

What was it? Her birthday? Damn! This is going to cost me a fortune in burgers as repentance if that’s the case!

The Ace Attorney felt a cold sweat breaking across his brow at the thought. Oh, dear God, he hadn’t even gotten her a card…

“Um…sorry?” He attempted his most disarming grin. “Must have slipped my mind what with the recent Engarde trial and all…”

“You are getting soft in the mind, Old Man!” Her lower lip trembled. “I’ve only been mentioning it for the past two months!”

Phoenix stifled a groan. This unintentional oversight was going surely going to make the Burger Queen put a Whopper-sized dent in his wallet equal to at least a month’s pay!

“Happy Birthday, Maya,” he said weakly. “Um, how do you want to celebrate? We can do whatever you want tonight, I swear!”

“You clueless, spiky-headed schmuck!”

The psychic stormed over and, mimicking his typical serious courtroom fashion, slammed her hands on his desk, sending papers flying everywhere.

She then cried out in pain as her palms and arms went all numb and tingly.

“Ow! That freaking hurts!”

Sulkily rubbing her hands together, she glared at him.

“It’s not my birthday, you big numbskull!”

“Oh, OK, then why are you all sore at me for?” The spiky-haired man was exasperated. “Just tell me already, so I can apologize for whatever I’ve done, or whatever you think I’ve done!”

“Holy jumping Moses in a sidecar, Nick!” Maya crossed her arms. “Can you be any more saxicoline?!”

“Sax a what now?” Phoenix gaped at her. A colon?!”

Just when I thought she couldn’t get any more bizarre…

“Wake up and smell the coffee already! Today is the day of the worldwide premiere of The Steel Samurai/Pink Princess crossover movie!”

“Oh, that.” He vaguely remembered her endless prattling now; he tended to listen with only half an ear when she went off on her tangents about those ridiculous shows.

“Oh, that?” Maya appeared mortally wounded. “I’ve only been waiting for this for ages! It’s the one where they conquer the land of Japalifornia, get married, and give birth to The Bronze Baby!”

If she already knows the whole movie plot, why does she even want to bother going to see this ridiculous-sounding movie? He wondered. Seriously?! The Bronze Baby? What would be next? He would grow up to be The Plutonium Prince? The Platinum Pain in the Ass?

“OK, and you’re telling me this because…?” He already knew the answer though.

“I called you saxicoline because you apparently have been living under a rock, haven’t you?” Maya demanded. “First you act like you’ve never even heard of the biggest movie event of the millennium…”

“That’s because I hadn’t…”

Really? The millennium? Exaggerate much?

“And now you’re acting all clueless about the fact that I’d want my best friend in the whole wide world to go with me!”

“No.” His voice was firm. “You know your Steel Samurai TV show makes my brain go numb!”

“Grrrr! You suck, Nick!” The psychic huffed. “You’re such a meanie!”

“Find someone who can stay awake during the two hours of nonsensical juvenile violence to go with you Maya, I beg of you.”

The defense lawyer began busying himself with the arduous task of retrieving the papers his assistant had scattered.

“Fine, I will!” She snapped and dramatically stalked out of the office and flounced down the hall to her bedroom, seeming to forget it was only noon and there was still work to be done.

Shrugging to himself, Phoenix decided to let her have her little hissy fit.

At least now I can get some peace and quiet! It’s for the best if she ropes some other sucker into seeing that drivel with her because frankly, I’d rather dry hump a cheese grater!

At six o’clock, the psychic finally emerged from her chambers, for once wearing regular street clothes. Well, she wore fitted jeans and runners…along with a Pink Princess T-shirt and a Steel Samurai cap but also a big ear-to-ear grin as she bounced on her toes.

“Ooh…I should head downstairs now to wait for him, the movie starts in 90 minutes!”

“Him?” He echoed blankly. “Who’s him?”

I’d assumed she’d have asked Pearls or Penny Nichols…

“Why Mr. Edgeworth, of course!” The spirit medium clasped her hands together and smiled brightly. “You know he’s as big a Steel Samurai fan as I am! He’s agreed to be my date tonight!”

“D- Date?” Phoenix stammered, feeling himself starting to sweatdrop. “Edgeworth?”

“Well, he is coming to pick me up right now in that fancy car of his!” Maya smirked. “And he did say the tickets were on him…and he is gorgeous and rich! Why wouldn’t I want to call it a date?”

Phoenix’s eyes were the size of saucers.

Holy Custer’s last stand! I am now officially sweating like a four-balled monkey!

This hellacious scenario was his worst nightmare come true. He could not allow Mia’s baby sister to go out on a date with Demon Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth! It was bad enough the urbane District Attorney was his most bitter rival in the courtroom – but now he was supposed to let him be his rival for Maya, too?!

Nuh-uh! No way Jose!

“W –Wait!” Phoenix croaked. “I changed my mind! I’m coming too!”

“You mean it, Nick?” Maya beamed happily. “That’s so great! But…I thought you said this stuff makes your brain go numb and you couldn’t stay awake?”

“Don’t be silly!” He laughed, ushering his friend out the door. “Can’t you tell I was just kidding!”

Holy mother of pearl, the length’s I will go to to save Maya – in this case from a potential lawyer turned lecher! What if Edgeworth insists on leaning over to whisper in her ear and smells her intoxicating, vanilla perfume? Argh! Perish the thought! Even worse, what if he makes her reach for the popcorn bucket – and holds it in his lap?Gah! Jumping bald-headed Jesus! Can the mind actually vomit?!

Phoenix shuddered at that particularly traumatizing scenario.

Ultimately, I’m doing my favorite assistant a favor here, even if it means an evening in Snoozeville while watching an asinine, mind-numbing kid’s movie! Welp, I guess this saxicoline legist will have to ensure he fills up on multiple cups of coffee at the concession stand …

JP: This one-shot was featured on my old pal 6GunSally’s wall under her Word of the Day series, and helped inspire our collaborated Phoenix/Maya/Miles love triangle story: Crossfire – A Tale of Sir Blue Knight Vs Sir Red Knight! Find out what happens when Nick finds himself as the third wheel on Miles and Maya’s date… let’s just say jousting and calamitous hijinks ensue! 😊