9 Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past

Notes:

Blindknyttstories: Uh…So I’m still feasting on raw meat as this pendulum comes swinging down, so for this very special chapter please welcome the FF writer AddiedeNaddie! (Please help, I have so much to live for!)

Addie: Isn’t that cute? Him and his made up stories of getting killed, so adorable! Ahem, anyway I want to thank Blindknyttstories and JordanPhoenix for allowing me to write this chapter for them, I hope you all think I do a good of job as they have been doing! *Sings happily as the pendulum continues its downward spiral*

JP: Yes…”made up stories” indeed… *coughs*. My alternate name proposed for this chapter was “Starfish” due to my personal abhorrence to this particular pairing, but I was outvoted! And in the end it doesn’t even matter…:p

Wright Talent Agency –November 22, 2024

He reached for his ever-present green bottle, lifting it to his lips and taking a huge swig, feeling the familiar sensation of the liquid trickle down his throat. Except for this time, there was no burn.

The familiar glass container in his hand was just grape juice now. Had been since that fateful day in September.

It’d been just over two months now since Phoenix had let a drop of wine or any other sort of alcohol enter his system. It’d also been nearly half a year since the traumatic misfire/Meekins event with Angel in the playground. So he was running dry on both ends. It was all good. He needed cheap wine and even cheaper women like he needed a hole in the head!

Phoenix was determined not to become a completely drunken wino and destroy his daughter’s life so he’d done the responsible thing and found a satisfying placebo and found he’d almost immediately become addicted to his faux vino substitute. Initially, he didn’t even like the syrupy fruit drink. But he soon found solace in the treacly sweetness and its consumption, while less detrimental than the harder stuff, still felt like a numbing ritual.

The consequences of overdosing on these particular bottles, which piled up in his home – the slight initial nausea that fired up, dry mouth, and the slightly bloated feeling… all seemed a small price to pay compared to the heartache, shame, and tears the wine had left him behind in the end, and not even necessarily his own…

The act of consuming the sick saccharine sweetness distracts me, immerses me in the present moment. I’m still an addict of the stuff – one is too many, and a thousand is never enough. But that’s OK. Cost aside, there’s no adverse bearing of this vice on Trucy, and the false cheeriness I can manifest whilst tripping out on its aftereffects probably makes me a more fun Daddy for her anyway.

Ultimately, the grape juice banished away all uneasy thoughts in his sole concentration on those feelings, possibly because of the massive sugar high. What a boot to the head it would it be if, in the liver-salvaging act of giving up the drunkard life, he wound up giving himself diabetes instead?

Being sober suits me just fine. All alcohol ever did was make promises it couldn’t deliver. I felt lost in its lies of comfort and oblivion. The only thing that was thereafter all drunken meandering for so long was pain and betrayal. It slowly seeped in how much of a fool I had been, living in my little dream world. I floated away from the fake promises and reality until I was just a lost star….until that incident with Trucy in September that made me realize what’s most important in life.

Said incident was still too painful for him to think about. Trucy may have forgiven him for what he’d done when he’d hit rock bottom, but it would be a long, long time before Phoenix ever forgave himself.

Ultimately, the result had been a blessing in disguise.

Why do blessings always wear disguises?! If  I  were a blessing, I’d run around naked! Wait, maybe not…isn’t running around bare-assed what got me into this predicament in the first place?!

Anyhow, once he’d ditched the liquid amber like a bad date, Phoenix had finally decided he’d had enough! No more stumbling home a drunken mess to his beloved daughter, and he was sick of the consistently empty void left behind in his soul after each encounter, which only continually grew from constantly sleeping with every woman that came his way! He acknowledged he was just as much to blame for his gigolo behavior as the thirsty femmes were; sure he rarely instigated things, but it wasn’t as though he’d ever denied their advances. And he was hardly a good parental role model if he was still a promiscuous horn dog, even if he did quit being a booze hound!

So he’d finally decided that if he was going to be a good father to Trucy, and maybe even have a partner to warm his heart, not just his parts, he would need to find a woman he legitimately loved.

But…where would he start? Most women only seemed interested in nothing more than a one-night stand with an allegedly hot hobo bum of forging attorney acclaim. Sure, sometimes he got lucky – in more ways than one! – and they would welcome a second or third time (Tiffany still made it clear she was happy to have another roll in the hay again anytime, but he didn’t feel like being a human doodle again!), but never anything beyond that. The ex-lawyer didn’t know a single woman on the face of the planet that would want anything more than sex with him.

God, that realization makes me feel so dirty! He thought indignantly. So used! So…so…cheap!

If he hadn’t had a 13-year-old daughter to raise, he very well could have probably made more money being the gigolo Angel had made him feel like than he ever had as a defense lawyer!

There seemed to be a turnabout in his luck, however, one autumn morning, when Trucy reminded him about her upcoming parent/teacher conference…

It started as a normal morning before school, like any other.  The DILF was idly flipping through old phone numbers of women he knew when his daughter sprung it on him after breakfast.

“Hey, Daddy! I was wondering something?”

Phoenix looked up from his contacts book and smiled into his daughter’s sweet face. Despite the fact his life was still shit, Trucy always brightened up his day. She truly was his light.”What is it, sweetie?”

“The first parents/teacher conference is coming up and I was wondering if you would come? I know how much my teacher last year loved talking with you!”

Phoenix reflexively recoiled at the words. Last Halloween, when he’d attended a parent/teacher conference, he’d thought his little girl was going to be exposed to the scary horrors, of the world, too early!

He still couldn’t believe the predatory cougar disguised as an elementary school teacher, had not only tried to seduce him, but in front of Trucy, no less! He still hadn’t decided what had been more harrowing – thwarting Ivana Hickey’s advances, or that fact that it’d taken forever for his daughter to stop calling him a DILF!

The poker shark shook his head sharply to vanquish the traumatizing memories as he looked into his child’s hopeful blue eyes, which were silently imploring him to say yes.

He flashed a small, reluctant smile.

“Of course Truce, I’ll be happy to go.”

Trucy grinned broadly as she jumped up and gave her father a big hug. Then she stood there, continuing to do her endearing little anticipatory bounce on her heels, causing warning signs to go off in his head.

Why is Trucy so happy about me going to her parent and teacher conference? I hope it isn’t because she wants to enhance her ‘vocabulary’…

The little magician finally settled down and giggled. “I’m so happy you’re going to go, Daddy! After I told my teacher who you were, she turned so red and sputtered for the rest of the class! It was so funny!”

The hobo eyed the little magician curiously. So it seemed this teacher knew him. Perhaps it was an old acquaintance of his? He wracked his brain, trying to think back of all the females he knew, and he couldn’t see any of them being a teacher … save for perhaps Adrian Andrews. But he already knew what she (and her plastic body) were up to!

He finally decided the best option would be just to ask Trucy who her teacher was. It wasn’t as though it would be someone he had deep ties to, right?

“So Truce, er, who is your teacher?”

“Her name is Miss Iris! She’s so pretty and sweet and nice!”

Phoenix’s eyes widened at the name.  

No… it couldn’t be who he thought it was, could it?

Could it possibly be that Iris, the same one he’d (accidentally) stolen her virginity from?

The same saccharinely sweet Iris who, unlike her crazy (and even crazier in the sack!) diabolical identical twin, was in contrast, the blandest, boring, starfish sex he’d ever had?! (And yet somehow his dumb ass still hadn’t clued in that it wasn’t Dahlia?!)

The same Iris who had nearly cost him his life, because of said damn crazy bitch of a sister?!

Phoenix could feel his hands shaking as he reached over, grabbed his coffee (his sole another vice besides grape juice), and slowly lifted the cup to his lips as he tried to calm down. He looked back at Trucy, who was just smiling and glowing, and somehow got the feeling she was expecting this type of reaction!

He finally mustered a smile, albeit a very weak one.

“I…see. Well, um, I can’t wait to meet her…”

Trucy giggled as she gave her father another hug before planting a kiss on his cheek.

“You’re going to love her, Daddy! The conference is tonight at six, by the way!”

The pianist sighed soundlessly. He’d been hoping to enjoy his day off from work, but it didn’t look like that was going to be an option.

“Alright…Hey Truce, can you get me another cup of coffee?”

“Sure, Daddy! What blend do you want?”

“Blend #107…It’s just one of my rules…”

The poker champ looked up at the clock and noticed that it was approaching 5:00. He would have to get ready soon so he could make it on time. Trucy had stayed over at the school to help clean up the hallway – something about a magic trick gone wrong! – so he wouldn’t have to worry about getting her ready. He sighed as he forced himself off the couch, downed his cup of coffee, and made his way to the bedroom.

He surveyed his closet and frowned as he pushed back his old suits and looked at what was available. This was one of the hardest tasks…trying to choose what to wear for these things. He didn’t want to show up in his everyday hoodie and beanie like a hobo. But he hadn’t worn his customary blue suit in five years and didn’t even know if it still fit the same, as he’d bulked up, muscle-wise, quite a bit since due to his jogging. Besides, he didn’t want to look like he was going to a business meeting, either. He finally decided on an old white button-up shirt (which he was sure made him look like a total geek), a pair of black jeans, and black loafers.

If you’re going to show up at a school, might as well look smart!

Phoenix pulled off his clothes and changed into his new ensemble. The shirt was fairly loose on him, so he wouldn’t have to worry about suffocating, but so were his jeans. He grabbed a belt to keep his pants up – God forbid if he had a wardrobe malfunction in front of one of the kids!

He finally dusted himself off and looked in the mirror as he ran a hand through his spikes. He had to admit, he looked rather good.

Looking back over at his clock…it still said it was 5:00.

Wait what!?

Confused, he picked up his phone. It was 5:30!

He panicked. It appeared his clock had stopped at the worst of times! Which meant that now walking to the school was no longer an option.

The poker champ muttered angrily to himself as he leaned against the wall, contemplating what to do. He could run, but that would mean he would arrive a red-faced, sweaty mess. He could call for a taxi, but he’d spent the last of his paycheck on a new vase for Charley. Finally, he decided the best thing to do was just have somebody come and grab him, and hope that someone was available!

But of course with Phoenix’s luck, no one was free! He tried everyone, yet they were all busy doing something! Gumshoe was busy with Maggey and their new baby. Will Powers was busy leading a women’s workout program. The jerks at the local prison refused to allow Frank Sahwit to come to pick him up, even with a police escort! And his best friend, who was finally back in town from overseas, was…getting busy… with someone, so it seemed…

That’s the last time I ever want to hear Edgeworth moan mid-sentence…Gah! Why did he even pick up?!

He groaned loudly. He truly had no choices left. There was no one else to come pick him, up other than…

No! Not him!  Anybody but him!

Phoenix stared down at his phone with a mounting feeling of dread.

The only man he hadn’t tried yet was the Butz himself…Larry.

He slapped himself in the face.  

Oh…Karma. Shall I compare thee to a Summer’s Eve? Because thou art a douche!

Phoenix picked up his cell and slowly, oh so very slowly, hit the call button.

After what felt like several long hours, Larry finally answered the phone.

“Hello! You have reached the most charming Butz in the land! It is I, Larry!”

Phoenix grimaced as he heard the voice on the other end. He was already regretting this.

“Um…Hey Larry, It’s …me. I was wondering if you could give me a ride.”

“Nick, sweetie! How are you? It’s so lovely hearing from you!”

Crap on a spatula…

“Um yeah, I’m good I guess … how are you?”

“I’m doing just splendidly, Nick! Life has just been fabulous! I have been doing some acting recently and Oh. My. God! It is just super!”

“That’s um…great…I guess. Anyway, Larry, do you think you could give me a ride to Trucy’s school? I have to be there for an event.”

“Of course Nick! That’s what best friends are for right? Let me just give Jacob his homemade apple pie and I’ll be there in five minutes!”

“Thanks. Alright, see you…”

Who the hell is Jacob!? Wait – do I even want to know?!

Phoenix grunted at the notion as he gave his hair one final combing. Then he grabbed his keys and placed them in his shirt pocket before heading downstairs to wait for Larry.

Finally, the Butz pulled up in a …rainbow-colored van with a giant teddy bear on top of it.

Right. Because it is so much less mortifying arriving in this garish contraption, as opposed to being slightly sweaty, had I decided to make a run for it …is it too late for that?

Cringing inwardly, he slowly sauntered to the van and opened the door. Larry was in his usual artist attire, although he was sporting a new pink hat. Phoenix sat down in the van and instantly smelled roses and perfume radiating within. It honestly reminded him of Trucy’s last birthday.

Good grief, Larry didn’t just come out of the closet. He came riding out… on a  neon pink Harley, with sparkly rainbow tassels!

He just nodded at Larry as they pulled away. Glancing at his phone, he noted that it was around 5:50, meaning he would get there just in time. The two men mostly stayed quiet during the ride, not that conversation was possible, given the loud Barbara Streisand blaring from the speakers! Shrugging, he absently placed his hand down on the door handle and instantly felt something that was half sticky and half-hard against his palm. Looking down, he realized, to his absolute horror, that he had placed his hand on a used condom, which was just sitting there, out in the open!

Phoenix let out a horrified yelp, causing Larry to glance over at him with concern.

“Nick, whatever is the matter, darling?”

“Holy Fucking Shit Tits! There’s … a used fucking condom!”

Unabashed, the children’s illustrator looked over and merely giggled, before reaching over, grabbing the offending item off the door handle and shrugging nonchalantly.

“Oh sorry about that, dear boy!” The newly outed man tittered with a coy smile. “Guess I forgot to clean up after me and Jacob last night! My bad!”

The musician felt like he was going to vomit right there and then.

Hot shit on a shovel! I just had my bare hand on something that  Larry Butz had on his… man parts when he…  released …or was where the sun didn’t shine! Or even worse…it was both!

Fighting back bile, he quickly pulled some Germ-X hand sanitizer from his pocket and emptied the entire contents of the small bottle onto his palms as he slathered his hands in it as Larry, on the other hand, merely smiled innocuously as he took the condom and casually placed it in his pocket!

Phoenix just shook his head as wondered what in God’s name had possessed him to call Larry and not just smash Trucy’s piggy bank for taxi money and just paid her back later!

His friend continued driving, having now switched over the music to Lady Gaga, while the hobo closed his eyes, took deep breaths to calm down, and mentally cursed himself and his luck as he listened to the grating sounds of Larry singing along the incorrect lyrics to Lady Gaga.

“Why be a drag when you can be a queen?”

Finally, once the sing-a-long was over, Larry spoke, much to his great dismay.

“So, buddy, you want me to pick you and Trucy up when you’re done? Y’all can even meet Jacob if you want!”

The beanie man just opened one eye and regarded his childhood chum with undisguised disgust. There was no way in hell he would expose Trucy to any of this!

He just kept staring at Larry, who kept looking back at him with his same dumb expression. Phoenix, at last, gave a long-suffering sigh, knowing he would have to reply.

“No, Larry. That’s quite alright…We can walk back home. Alone.”

“Aw! Whatever you say, Daddy. I totes get it! Jacob and I are adopting a child next week, so I am all about understanding the need to spend quality bonding time with your kid!”

Ten thousand thundering typhoons, Larry! Put a sock in it already!

Phoenix pulled out his phone and flipped through his contact list, hoping there could be someone he could call as a diversion tactic, to negate the need for further asinine conversation with the bumble butt driver!

Unfortunately, no one popped out at him for a quick chat. He reached into his pocket to grab his billfold …then, of course, he remembered. He mentally grumbled to himself how he kept forgetting he’d lost the damn thing after that whole Where the Wild Things Are park fiasco with Franziska. He pondered what the hell happened to that wallet. Hopefully nobody crazy had found it, as he’d had everything about him in it!

Finally, mercifully, Larry reached the school. Phoenix gave a quick goodbye and barely waited for the van to come to a complete stop before leaping out and slamming the door behind him before Larry could say something else that would make his innards curl!

Looking at the place, it didn’t seem like it had changed over the past year. He walked past several of the parents as he approached the entrance, earning a few looks and winks from the women – some of whom were with their husbands!

He ducked his head with embarrassment as he dodged past them.

The DILF curse continues…

Phoenix walked past several of the classrooms en route to Trucy’s. The lights in the hallway were slightly dimmed, creeping him out a bit. He wondered how a middle school could give him the nighttime heebie- jeebs, and scoffed at his foolishness, figuring it was just nerves. He finally made it to his daughter’s homeroom, took a deep breath, and entered.

Quietly slinking into the room, he did a look around him, and then saw her…Iris…sitting at her desk in the corner of the room, going over a few papers. He glanced at the clock and noticed he was about a minute or two early.

No harm in that, he decided, closing the door behind him.

Iris still didn’t look up from her papers as he silently walked over before speaking.

“Good evening, Miss Iris.”

The woman jumped, obviously not expecting any visitors yet, and was even more shocked to see Phoenix. The blood rushed to her cheeks as she sat there, gawking at the poker player, who in turn flashed a sheepish but reassuring smile at her, as though seeing his ex-girlfriend from another lifetime ago, who’d obviously been sprung from prison since he’d been disbarred, and was now his daughter’s teacher, was an everyday occurrence.

Iris couldn’t seem to make any words come out as she just kept gaping at her ex-boyfriend.

At long last, she was able to muster up the courage and words to speak.

“Uh…Hi…Fee-…Mr. Wright.”

The two exes continued to stare at each other in soundless discomfiture, until finally, Phoenix grabbed a chair and sat down in front of Iris, who just nervously watched his every move.

“So um…are you ready for the um…conference?” He asked at last.

“Huh…? Oh, um right the conference, I’m sorry um…Yes, I’m ready.”

“Alright, so how has Trucy been doing? Um…Good grades and everything?”

“Um…Yes, she has shown um…Good behavior skills and she is doing well in everything, her worst subject grade-wise is Science in which she has a C+ and her best grade is um …English with an A+.”

That’s my girl!

“Well, it’s good to know she is passing everything. I want her to grow up and be successful and all.”

“Ye-Yes Mr. Wright, that is um…correct…”

The pair again entered into their awkward silence as they just sat there, with Phoenix drumming his fingers against his knees and Iris fiddling with the buttons on her dress.

“So uh…You said her behavior is good…?”

“Yes…She um…Goes out of her way to…Help the others when they are down and she um…Treats everyone well, and she loves to make new friends and…tell…stories…”

“What…Kind of stories?”

“Just stories…to cheer others up. She likes to talk about your court cases. She tells them about how you defeated the evil demon known as Manfred, hee-hee….”

“Yeah, heh-heh. I guess she loves my lawyer stories so much, she’s decided to tell them to others. Did she mention the time I cross-examined a parrot?”

“Yes…but I thought she was exaggerating. Um…She likes telling others about how you saved the Steel Samurai and how you…saved me….”

“I…see….”

“She also talks about how she wants a mother,” Iris burst out. “She rambles on and on about how even though you’re not a lawyer anymore, you still care for her and she hopes you try to find her a New Mommy and…and…”

He saw the tears forming in his ex’s huge doe eyes, and reached across the desk to pat her gently on the hand.

“Iris…” he said softly. “Please don’t cry. Everything’s alright.”

“And those are my favorite kind of stories because they remind me you haven’t changed at all! You’re still the same loving man who went everywhere with a smile! You never judged anybody, and you defended almost everyone! You didn’t hate me for me deceiving you and…and…” Iris’s lips began trembling as she struggled to continue to talk.

Phoenix finally had had enough. He quickly rushed around the desk and wrapped his arms around the crying woman, who immediately began sobbing in earnest against his chest. He gently stroked her satiny dark hair while she continued to weep, her tears dampening his shirt. Finally, she raised her head and looked up at him, her beautiful eyes still sparkling with tears. He was touched by the emotions he saw swirling in their mocha depths.

“Iris…I was one of the luckiest men on earth to get a chance with you. I hope you know that…”

Iris just kept staring up at him as the tears continued to roll down her face.

“Oh…Mr. Wright….Oh, Feenie!”

“Shhh…” he whispered. “It’s OK.”

She stirred in his arms, unsure of what to say or do as she looked deeply into his eyes, but then he squeezed her waist and slid his hands up to caress the back of her neck, in a gesture she’d always found soothing in the past.

It still worked now.

Her sobs stilled as her hands gripped his strong upper arms. His skin was smooth and warm.

Phoenix responded with enthusiasm and wrapped one arm around her waist, crushing her against his hard chest, while his other hand slid up to cup the back of her head. For the briefest of moments, she let herself delight in his embrace. But, then, she remembered their past. Instead of making her happy or blissful, as being in his arms again should have, it made her sad.

Iris turned her head to the side and tried to draw away slightly, but he kept his arm around her waist and placed a finger under her chin, tilting her face so she’d look at him. He watched her expression quietly for a moment, and her eyes once again filled with tears. One rolled down her cheek and dropped to his hand.

“I’m sorry me holding you isn’t as comforting as I’d hoped it’d be.” He smiled tenuously. “Not exactly the reaction I was hoping for.”

Iris gazed up into the memorable sapphire eyes, seeing no resentment or anger, and finally saw a light flicker behind them as he looked down at her, that familiar smile spreading across his face.

They stayed there like that, gazing at each other, and for now, Iris was no longer feeling anxious or worried about what Phoenix was thinking. She was just happy, held in his eyes, buoyed up in a warm, bright place.

Phoenix wasn’t sure if he kissed Iris because he’d wanted her to stop crying. Or it might have been the easiest way to show her that he wasn’t who she thought he was, that there might actually be some hidden depths to him after all despite losing his badge. Or simply to let her know he bared her no grudges or any hard feelings.

But kiss her he did.

One moment they were standing in that classroom, the desk between them, the next moment they were kissing. People always said, ‘And then, like, the next thing he/she knew, they were kissing,’ and that never computed. Because there had to be a thing before the kiss.

But this time, there wasn’t.

It was just him, Phoenix Wright, kissing Iris Hawthorne. And Iris Hawthorne was kissing him right back.