10 Mr. Ass Fire

Notes:

Blindknyttstories: Well here is part two of Addie’s chapter, I would have written this but um…I’m kinda busy digging a hole with a spoon now (I was able to escape the pendulum) so um, Yeah I’ll see you next chapter!

Addie: I hope you all enjoy the second part of this special chapter I wrote! I won’t be writing anymore after this so I thank my good friend JP for inviting me over to help write and watch Blindknyttstories suffer :D…Hey are we missing a spoon?

JP: *rummages through cutlery drawer* I was toying with calling this chapter Sex on the Beach…Is a Better as a Drink… but…hey what’s in a name? An Iris by the same name would be just as sweet – diabetes-inducing really –…ugh, Feenris… gag me with a bulldozer…(this is not a knock on my dear friend who did a great job considering whom she had to work with!)

Palm Springs – December 14, 2024

It had been three weeks since the parent and teacher conference. Since then, Phoenix and Iris had started talking to each other more, and agreed to give their romance another chance.

Life had been pretty good since then. He now had someone to go to when Trucy was at school or work, and he enjoyed it. But something inside of him still felt – listless, empty. Phoenix just guessed that it was because he hadn’t had a girlfriend for so long it didn’t feel right yet.

I feel lost and confused, but happy – no, not quite happy, but content. And certain. I am like a ball of tangled yarn. The parts that are untangled are available, useable; the rest is a mess, useless until it is untied. That mess feels endless and at most times unyielding.

Phoenix opted to just ignore these conflicted emotions and niggling voice in the back of his head, and instead decided with Christmas break coming up, to take Trucy and Iris somewhere where they both could enjoy…The beach!

Palm Springs, here we come!

His daughter was ecstatic about going.  Phoenix had been blessed thus far with her. Although now a teenager, Trucy still hadn’t reached the stage where she was embarrassed hanging out or being seen with her old man and didn’t enjoy their time together. She loved the idea of playing in the water all day and welcomed any opportunity to spend entire days with her Daddy.

Iris, on the other hand, didn’t honestly know how to feel. Sure, she could enjoy some time with her new boyfriend, but she didn’t want to shirk her shrine maiden duties back at Hazakura Temple, which she still had on weekends. Also, as the little magician didn’t know about her teacher dating her father yet, she was uncertain about what excuse to use to Trucy about Phoenix bringing along her teacher on a father/daughter getaway.

Despite her misgivings and guilty conscience about reneging on her nun tasks, Iris ultimately agreed to go along. Sister Bikini gave her wholehearted blessing and insisted Iris take a vacation.

“Ho-Ho! Oh, I don’t blame you, child! Go enjoy! Sister Bikini understands the temptations of young men…and the appeal of wanting to frolic on a beach in a bikini during winter break rather than spending free time with a shrine maiden who’s only named after one!”

Trucy actually didn’t at all seemed surprised when he told her Iris was going to tag along. He lamely used the explanation Iris would be helping her study to bolster her barely average Science grade while they were away, but Phoenix got the feeling Trucy knew that wasn’t the real answer.

Thankfully, the teen, who often had accompanied her father during his poker tournaments and helped ensure his still-perfect victory record with her “special talents”, was good at not only keeping secrets but knowing when to keep her mouth shut in general. If Trucy did see through her Daddy’s flimsy excuse, she didn’t say a word. 

When they arrived at the beach, the DILF instantly did scouting and ensured they were away from all teenage boys, and also made sure that any other boys that were around were within his sights at all times!

Mental note to self – ask my kid about that Brad guy from her magic camp…  

As Phoenix set up the umbrella and chairs, Trucy looked at the couple and smiled sweetly.

“Hey Daddy, can you and Miss Iris go and get us all ice cream?”

Reflexively scanning all the other boys milling around, Phoenix raised a brow at his daughter, who wore a look of complete innocence.

“And why pray tell, does Iris have to come along, missy?”

“Because she wouldn’t have anything to do if she stayed here!”

“She could talk to you!”

“Well I guess, but Jinxie is here with her dad, and that’s actually why I wanted to come today, so I could see her!” Trucy pointed over to her right, and sure enough, there was her friend Jinxie, and her extremely muscular father, building a sandcastle together.

Phoenix sighed at this dilemma. He did want to hang out with Trucy but was also happy to see that she had friends here as well to keep an extra eye on her in case he and Iris wanted some time alone.

He hoped the sight of Jinxie’s large and imposing father would be enough of a deterrent for even the most determined of pimply-faced, adolescent walking hormones…er, teenage boys, from getting any ideas!

Iris’s smiling visage indicated she liked the idea of stealing away for a spell. He returned the smile and nodded his permission to Trucy, who squealed excitedly before running over to see Jinxie.

Phoenix grabbed his girlfriend’s hand as they walked towards the Ice Cream Bar together.

As the couple walked towards the Ice Cream Bar, they had to take a detour because Iris needed to use the restroom.  While on the way there, Phoenix glanced over at his significant other and he had to admit, she was looking pretty damned hot in that bikini! Normally he didn’t like objectifying women, even mentally, but hell, he hadn’t had sex in six months! It was like waving a steak in front of a ravenous lion and then daring him to not have his mouth water!

A much sexier sight than say, Sister Bikini in a bikini! Ugh, why did I even do that to myself?! Need brain bleach! Now I’ve gotta think of kittens…or something…  

Or he could just look back at the sight of Iris in her two-piece to dispel any further thoughts that made his balls jump back up inside his body! 

The swimming attire nicely complemented her curves, and she didn’t have too bad a set breasts either! (Hers, he could tell, were the real deal!) She also had a pretty fine behind, too, even if it wasn’t the most bootylicious one in the world. He knew this shouldn’t be new to him, considering he had taken her virginity, but his memory wasn’t as good as before! After all, his mind had been naught but a blurry fog of visions since his disbarring.

Personally, I blame the wine…

They eventually reached the restroom. Phoenix already began to look for something to do while he waited when Iris suddenly pulled him behind the place. He gasped, startled.

“Iris? What the hell are you doing?”

“Shhh! I know a great spot away from everyone, Feenie! It’s an amazing sight to behold!”

Grasping his hand firmly, a determined Iris pulled her other half further away from the crowds, to the point where he couldn’t see anyone else on the beach at all!

He was beginning to get increasingly worried.

What if Iris is like her deranged sister and her time in prison turned her into a total psychotic wacko who wants to get revenge on me for some reason?!

They finally reached a high dune that overlooked the beach, where Iris dropped onto the sand and motioned for him to sit beside her. As he obliged, he was about to ask why she’d brought him out here when she just pointed into the horizon. Phoenix looked across the ocean and was mesmerized at the breathtaking view he saw; the shore was a graceful arc of sand, glittering under the summer sun, a place for a placid ocean to lap. The waves rolled in with a soothing sound, the salty water a brief flurry of sand. Every few meters of so lay a shell, a treasure of the aquatic world just out of reach, and the footprints they left behind were soon erased.

“Wow…” He breathed. “Iris, this is amazing! How did you know about this?”

“I told one of my friends I was coming here, and they told me about this spot right behind the restroom! This is actually where her boyfriend proposed to her!”

“Well, I can see certainly see why.”

The pair just sat in companionable peace as they watched the sun on the water. Iris was the first to break the silence.

“Aww…Isn’t this romantic Feenie? … Huh…Feenie?” 

“Ngh! Oh my God get it off! Get it off!”

Stunned, Iris looked over and was horrified to see Phoenix was rolling down the dune, howling in pain as a sand crab had snatched onto his ass!

Her hands flew to her mouth. “Oh no! Feenie!”

Iris got up and ran down the dune trying to catch up to Phoenix, who was having a battle of life and death with the damn, merciless crab! She finally caught up to him and helped pull the crab off of his rear end …with a lot of trouble! The blasted crustacean was hell-bent on staying latched onto the hobo’s butt cheek, and it took every bit of Iris’s seemingly non-existent strength to pull it off!

Finally, after what seemed like eons, the ex-nun was able to rip the stubborn critter off and throw it back into the ocean. She knelt beside her partner, who was still clutching his ass, his face red and scrunched up in pain.

“Feenie! Are you OK?”

“Oww….!” He grunted, eyes still scrunched tightly shut. “I think that blasted thing took a chunk of my skin with it!”

“Here, let me see.” Iris pulled down Phoenix’s shorts enough to see where the crab had pinched and, luckily, it just left a claw mark with a tiny bit of blood; no flesh had thankfully been taken off. “I know that probably still smarts, but no skin is gone thankfully. All of your bum cheek is still intact.”

“Still…I sure as hell won’t be able to sit for weeks…”

“Um…Here let’s go sit under that palm over there! It can provide some cool shade while you lay on your side so that can heal.” Iris helped him up and assisted him over to the tree. Phoenix yelped in pain the entire way, but he was finally able to make it over there.

“Ugh…I don’t even know how that cursed thing got under me…”

“Crabs like to bury in the sand, I guess it was already buried when you sat down, and it decided you needed to move.”

The pianist just groaned as he sat on his one butt cheek that wasn’t on fire and supported himself back against the tree, while Iris leaned against the tree and stroked Phoenix’s hair.

After a while, Iris got up and carefully positioned herself onto his lap, ensuring she wasn’t hurting his bruised side, and that he was still comfortable. He just groaned, although more quietly now, allowing her to place a kiss on his forehead and stroke his hair.

“It’s OK Feenie…I’m here.”

Phoenix just gave a small laugh as he reached up and wrapped Iris in a hug, earning a giggle from her. She then bent down and placed a kiss on his lips, which he eagerly returned as he held her tighter. The two remained locked in their heated embrace as their tongues danced together, battling for the lead position. Lost in the moment, an uncharacteristically emboldened Iris pushed against him back as the kiss went on, neither of them noticing as he fell back against the tree, atop which rested a beehive.

He had never had anything but great reverence for bees in his life. Bees were the essence of life on earth; they were the reason all living creatures had any sustaining food and nourishment. Bees were also indebted with much gratitude for being able to enjoy the delectable taste of honey to add sweetness to one’s life. The creatures were generally harmless and had but one purpose in life – they only lived to serve and protect the queen.  In short, bees were not nefarious pests that bothered humans in general and were nature’s much-needed necessity to the ecosystem. They only tended to get angry when they perceived any sort of threat to their home or their said beloved queen.

And, unfortunately for the ex-lawyer, there was a loose beehive in the palm tree, and the act of hitting the trunk caused the entire hive to come crashing down! The beehive came crashing straight down with a heavy thunk, striking a poor, stupefied Phoenix right on top of the head!

His stunned, agonized yelp only further angered the bees, who then began violently attacking in unison and stinging him all across the body! Iris was lucky the bees didn’t go near her – their attentions were solely focused on the disrupter of their home to feel their combined wrath! The teacher fell off of him and screamed helplessly as she saw the bees attacking her swain.

His buns still burning from his previous injury, Mr. Ass Fire shrieked as he made a beeline towards the water in an attempt to thwart his merciless attackers, but to no avail.

Between Iris’s high-pitched squawks and Phoenix’s own loud, tortured ones, an onlooker would have been convinced the two were murder victims in a grisly horror movie!

The poor card shark continued to get stung relentlessly no matter how fast he ran, and screeched impotently the whole time, as the bees weren’t letting up the chase!  It was only when he finally made it into the water and that he was able to escape the rest of the bee’s wrath.

Iris ran into the ocean to find her boyfriend, and at last found him holding his breath underwater, still trying to avoid the bees. She pulled him back up to the surface of the water as he spluttered and gasped for air. He had angry, red blisters all over from the bee stings and looked in a horrible state. She hated seeing him like this, and tried to help him out of the water (which wasn’t easy, as she couldn’t really touch him because of the rapidly forming body blisters), and onto dry land.

Phoenix fell to the sand, breathing heavily and with lots of extreme pain! He felt as though he’d just died and gone to hell! He felt the same all-over agonized sensations of feeling like he’d just got shot by a tank, stabbed with a scorching fireplace poker, and as though he’d just been betrayed by Dahlia all over again!

Iris sat beside him and rubbed his hair, she felt extremely sorry for him and thought that all of this was her fault.

“Oh…Feenie I’m so sorry…”

“It-It’s…alright…”

“I should have never taken you out here! It’s all my fault all this bad luck happened to you!”

“Trust me, Iris, my bad luck started back when I lost my attorney’s badge, so don’t sweat it.” He sighed. Pushing himself up off the ground, much to the objection of Iris, Phoenix stood up. “Come on, let’s go get that ice cream.”

He extended Iris his hand and forced himself to smile, despite his discomfort. Even with all the pain currently flowing through his body, he was still determined to get that ice cream, come hell or high water, goddammit! She smiled back hesitantly and took the proffered hand.

As they were walking across the shoreline, Iris decided to walk next to the ocean so the saltwater didn’t make the blisters worse on Phoenix.

They continued walking and talking, so lost in one another that both of them failed to see a stray jellyfish that had washed up on the beach until it was too late.

Iris walked over the gelatinous sea creature, completely oblivious to what she’d done until a searing thunderbolt of agony jolted through her, creating an enormous, tell-tale welt immediately on her foot.

“Oooowwwww!” She cried suddenly.

“Iris! What’s the matter? What happened?”

Iris fell onto the sand, clutching her injured foot. Phoenix looked over in disbelief at the sight of the jellyfish. He found a nearby stick and used it to throw it back in the water, then bent down beside his girlfriend, who was still holding onto her foot as tears of pain flooded her eyes.

“Iris, are you alright!?”

“Ow…Feenie…you’re going…going to…” She whimpered in pain and embarrassment and squeezed her eyes shut.

“Yes, Iris?” He prompted.

“You going have to pee on it!”

Phoenix froze and looked at Iris.

What did she say?! I’m going to have to piss on her!?

“I have to do what now!?”

“You’re going have to pee on it!”

“But…I can’t! I get stage fright if someone’s watching me!” He protested, his cheeks flaming. “I can’t even go at the urinals in the men’s room – I always have to duck into the stalls for privacy!”

“Wah!” She wailed. “But it’s the only way to stop a jellyfish infection from spreading!”

He just gaped at her with disbelief. She couldn’t be serious, could she?

“Please, Feenie! It hurts!”

Phoenix still couldn’t believe what he had to do.  First, he looked around to make sure nobody was around. Then he made Iris shut her eyes and turn her head.

“No peeking!” He exclaimed as he slowly pulled his dong out and, in total awkwardness, aimed right at Iris’s foot. He looked down at her and she just nodded, he did one more look around and unloaded.

Phoenix couldn’t even look as he relieved himself onto Iris’s injured foot. This truly had to be the most awkward moment of his life!

And this was coming from a man who had been found hiding in a women’s bathroom, been busted publicly fornicating by a psycho with a cleaver, and misfired into a woman’s unsuspecting eye!

Finally, when he was done, he still couldn’t look down.

“So um…Did that help…?”

Iris looked up and Phoenix and bit her lip.

“Oh…You bet it did…”

Phoenix looked at Iris, who had a wicked glint in her eyes while now licking her lips.

“Um…Iris…?”

“I don’t know why but…that really turned me on…”

Phoenix just stared at Iris incredulously.

What the shit?! She can’t be serious, can she? Like seriously?! My formerly virginal girl-scout ex-girlfriend turned nun…turned current girlfriend…is now into golden showers?! Can we blame this turnabout of new-found freaky madness on her stint in prison…or her being Dahlia’s twin?!

“Um…Let me get this straight…” he said slowly. “Me urinating on your foot, which was just stung by a jellyfish, mind you, turned…you…on…?”

“Oh, you bet it did.” Iris moved her eyes down to Phoenix’s exposed anatomy and just smirked as she moved forward, grabbing it in her hand and causing it to stiffen.

“You know Feenie…I really enjoyed our first time all those years ago…” she murmured, sinking on her knees down onto the sand. “What say we go about seeing if we can recapture that magic moment…?”

Her lips soon followed the path of her hands, causing him to twitch at the unexpected sensation.

After all, this was the same uptight starfish who had always insisted the lights be turned off at all times, had only liked it in missionary position, and had never touched that part of him with neither her hands nor mouth in the past!

Ergo, this impromptu lap-loving was so not what he’d been expecting to happen on this vacation, and he definitely wasn’t expecting this just three weeks into the relationship!

This nun had come a long way from her habit days that was for sure!

Iris took all of him into her mouth then, vigorously moving it up and down before looking up and smirking up at him, who could be seen clenching his fists and sweating.

She started using her tongue on him then, who would be enjoying himself so much more…had it not been for the teensy, weensy detail of him having just pissed on her foot!

Iris continued her oral gratification ministrations while simultaneously reaching back behind her and undoing her bikini bra – much to the appreciation of Phoenix, who’d had more than his share of troubles getting the pesky things off recently! – before completely taking it off and throwing it off to the side.

She used her free hand to trace up his chest while she continued her work…tweaking his nipples, which was normally an erogenous zone for him, were it not for the issue of currently being still painfully blistered from the bees!

Therefore, it was hurting him way more than it was making him horny! 

Phoenix finally reached down and intertwined his fingers with hers, a gesture which appeared to be tender… although that was mostly to stop her from constantly hitting his blisters! His lower lip was nearly bleeding from biting it to stifle back the pained whimpers!

At last, Iris gave her mouth a rest and rose to her feet. Then, without warning, she promptly jumped up and crashed onto him, kissing him with renewed urgency.

Phoenix tried to return the kiss, but her weight on all his blisters made him feel like he was getting shot over and over again by fiery cannonballs! Iris pressed her lips harder against his, swallowing his agonized moan of protest at the searing sensation.

Finally, she pushed up off of him with a sly look on her face as she reached down and started to undo her bikini bottom. She whipped it off and threw it to the side revealing her, rather bland, body in full view.

Phoenix looked her over and while she didn’t look bad, her bikini defiantly made her look more attractive…somehow. Possibly because the push-up, padded top had made certain parts of her look more…voluminous and the high-cut bikini bottoms had possessively hugged her derriere so that it had given more of an illusion…there was more of a booty back there than…what appeared to be a crack in her lower back for an ass instead!

His lover smirked, obviously taking his surprised look for appreciation, as she started planting kisses on his chest again, an act which made him clamp a hand over his mouth, not because he was moaning in rapture, but because the pain was so bad it would wake all of China if he screamed!

Iris finally stopped and took Phoenix’s hand over his mouth of a sign that he liked what she was doing – really, he so didn’t! – and moved her hands under him to cup his bottom. His momentary gratitude that she was no longer ruthlessly hitting all his blisters, was instantly vanquished as he instead felt a world of pain when she grabbed the tender spot on his ass that had been bitten by the damn crab!

Once again, Phoenix’s ass felt like it was fire, and when Iris squeezed it, he was certain he was going to break out crying like a newborn!

Undaunted, and blissfully oblivious to his plight, Iris deftly kneeled over him, positioning her bottom half right over his pelvis, and joined herself with him, earning a moan of pleasure from her and a moan of agony from Phoenix! She enthusiastically started bouncing up and down on him, causing him more searing, white-hot pain than that one time Trucy’s magic prank went wrong and he was struck in the family jewels with a spring-loaded boxing glove! 

Iris merrily continued to vigorously do her porn-style cowgirl imitations, all the while hitting the blisters that were around his groin area while making his ass bounce up, and then crash down heavily onto the packed sand, causing the bite mark to intensify in pain.

In other words, Phoenix’s poor abused bottom half felt like it was currently battling in World War III right now!

Oh, Christ, I think I just felt sand go up to my crack with that last thump! Gah! Yup, I did!

Ripping another page from the porn section, Iris clasped her hands over her modest bosom, attempting to squeeze them together to create tantalizing cleavage. When that didn’t work, she contented herself with tweaking the twin peaks and continuing to issue small, blissful moans.

Phoenix, on the other hand, had gotten to the point where tears were just rolling down his face. Iris regarded him tenderly, no doubt thinking they were tears of emotion when in actuality he was hurting so badly now that all he wanted was to be held by his mother!

So indeed, while his eyes were indeed watering from pain, it was also due to the even more aching fact of acknowledging that, despite all the time that had passed since their last rendezvous, hooking up with Iris Hawthorn still felt like having sex with a starfish… make that a jellyfish, because all he felt was a painful, stinging sensation all over!

Oh, Jesus, it was so much better with her crazy bitch sister….Lord, I am a freak of a man to be thinking of that she-devil at a time like this… I can’t even blame the wine this time…although no doubt it would have helped numb this god-awful pain…!

“Oh…Dollie!” The words came flying out of his mouth before he could stop them.

“Feenie!” Iris stared down at him, flabbergasted. “What did you just say?”

“I said, oh…Golly…I’m almost there…!” He bit his lip hard to keep his mouth shut after that and winced as Iris seemed to buy that, and continued her joyride.

Through all the pain, Phoenix didn’t even notice that he was about to explode – whether it was from pleasure, or just his body doing it in hopes Iris would stop, he didn’t know!  He tried to warn Iris but it was too late. Mercifully, his release seemed to trigger hers, earning a scream of joy from Iris as she collapsed on top of him, earning another grunt of pain from Phoenix, although he was ecstatic that she was finally done using him as a human trampoline!

“Oh…Fe-Feenie…That was…Amazing….” She gasped, breathing heavily.

“Yeah…Sure was…” he agreed weakly.

Not! 

Phoenix and Iris just lay there, catching their breaths. Then, just when the pain was starting to go away, she jumped back up on top of him, causing the vicious shockwaves through him again as she winked jauntily at him.

“So ready for that ice cream now?” She asked, completely mindless to the painful cycle she’d just caused him, yet again!

This is so not going to work! Phoenix’s mind frantically screamed at him, refusing to be ignored this time. You’ve already kicked the booze – now it’s time to drop this nun like a bad habit!

It wouldn’t be easy to do, and he was sure Trucy would be disappointed, but if there was one thing all this had taught him, it was that being alone still wasn’t worse than being with the wrong person.

After all, loneliness doesn’t scare me; it gives me time to grow stronger than I have ever been.