13 You Said A Mouthful!

Blindknyttstories: This was a bit later than I had originally anticipated so I apologize to all the loyal readers! It would have been out sooner but the sound of upcoming wedding bells stopped me, so that shouldn’t happen again! (I’m actually just covering up the fact JP has unleashed her hounds upon me!) 

JordanPhoenix: Dude runs fast! I admit, I’m impressed! I had to punish him somewhat for this delay didn’t I?! XD
Due to the copiously and hilariously used terms for anatomy, which may or may not be real in a physical nature this chapter may be considered hideously kinky!

Wright Talent Agency – January 28, 2025

To say Phoenix’s New Year had gotten off to a wonderful start would be the understatement of the century.

The last three weeks of his life, since he’d started seeing Lana, had been complete bliss, and had nearly thawed the ice formed around his heart over the years. He and the former Chief Prosecutor were like a couple of horny, but innocent, teenagers together. They were enjoying the whole “getting to know you, getting to like you,” old-school way of courtship in their relationship, and actually going out on dates, like out to the movies and for pizza.

Even though he wanted more than just a physical connection, the pianist had to admit one of the best parts of these outings was the end of the night, where there would be lots of wild necking and heavy petting which always left them both hot and bothered.

However, they still had yet to go “all the way.”

Phoenix was genuinely fine with this. There was nothing wrong with taking things slowly; to get to know and like the person that you were with before doing the shooting the meat rocket into the sausage wallet! He was completely on board with the hopeful notion that he’d finally met someone who wasn’t a completely sexually deviant freak and was merely in a rush to get him into tangled sheets!

Honestly, all these years of being seen as nothing more than a mere stud for the night was starting to make him feel somewhat cheap!

He still found it hard to believe that his love life had taken such a different unexpected turnabout when it had started as a perfectly normal day that’d commenced with just a normal trip to buy his daughter cereal! Of course, there was nothing perfect nor normal, about running into his former best friend, (who had only recently decided to turn gay), but the day had done a complete turnabout for the better when he’d had learned that he somehow had a fan club. Sure, that realization had initially freaked him out a little, but it’d led to him reuniting with a sexy former client…and then led to the mother of all hot and unforgettable make-out sessions!

The only part of the whole thing that Phoenix would’ve been happy to forget entirely, was the embarrassment of telling his daughter he was now actually dating someone near his own age!

It’d originally started as just a normal day during breakfast.

Trucy was sitting at the table, her cereal sitting untouched before her, as she was completely engrossed in playing around with a new trick she’d learned with her Magic Panties.  Phoenix sipped his regular morning coffee while reading something about some fox wrestler named Nine-Tails Vale in the paper.

All was going well until, without warning, Trucy stopped fiddling with her trick.

“Hey, Daddy, I was wondering something!” She looked at her father with inquisitive eyes.

“Yes, honey, what is it?” Phoenix lowered his newspaper and smiled at his daughter.

“Well…I was in school yesterday and we had a really nice lady come and talk to us! She told us how she used to be a prosecutor and that she was arrested for murder, but she was proven innocent by you, of all people!”

“Ah… you must be talking about Lana Skye. What was she doing at your school?” Phoenix sat the paper down on the table and picked up his coffee.

“She was there to tell us how being a prosecutor is a lot of work, but a defense attorney is not the bad guy and has a job as well!”

“Well, it’s nice to hear someone shares my view on defense attorneys. I may not be one anymore, but I still support them when their intentions are being used for good…” his voice trailed off then as he regarded her with confusion. “But Trucy, how does this relate to the question you wanted to ask me?”

“Well…It’s just that…Ms. Skye was kinda wearing your beanie!” Trucy had to suppress a giggle as she flashed an innocent smile.

Phoenix nearly did a spit take with his coffee. Some of the scalding liquid splashed onto his lap, causing him to yelp in pain. At last, he set the mug down out of harm’s way and somehow choked his next words out.

“Well um…it’s possible that she bought the same beanie from somewhere else!”

“What are you talking about, Daddy? I made you that beanie! It’s one of a kind! In addition, I even asked her about it and she did that thing where when someone likes somebody, they get all red and stutter – you know like you are right now!” An impish grin flickered across the teen’s face. “So, is Lana your new girlfriend, Daddy?”

Phoenix just looked wide-eyed at Trucy, contemplating how to respond. While his beanie was back with him, he couldn’t deny the fact Lana had indeed borrowed it the night she’d come home with him, so it wasn’t as though she’d just accidentally walked off with it – he had let her use it, as it’d been getting cold outside. However, he’d never dreamed she would wear it in public, let alone to Trucy’s school!

Guess she was finally ready to go public about us?! I mean, not that I mind! It just…sure as heck would have been nice to have known I didn’t need to keep my lips zipped at home, then! Yeesh, the man truly is always the last one to know!

Phoenix scratched the back of his neck and smiled sheepishly.

“I… guess you could say she is, Truce, although we haven’t made it official just yet.”

“What are you talking about Daddy!?” The teen gasped and grabbed Phoenix’s arm. “Every girl knows when a boy lends her an item of clothing, it totally means they are a couple! I learned it from my friend Robin!”

Damn that Robin kid! Why the hell is a BOY telling Trucy this crap though!?  

“Er well, Trucy that may be true for your age, but I’m afraid the time I grew up in wasn’t like that. Far from it, actually…”

“Daddy!” Trucy glared at Phoenix and started shaking his arm violently. “You have got to get with the times! I mean, all of my teachers always talk about you, so you can’t continue to live in the Stone Age!”

All of her teachers?! Then again, I think I remember seeing some of them at that fan club meeting…  

“Well that may be true,” Phoenix blushed. “I confess, Truce!  Your Old Man doesn’t know the first thing about catching up with the times!”

“Not to worry, Daddy!” Trucy gave a sly grin and proudly stood up.  “I know the perfect thing to get you caught up, and the first thing to do is to get you dressed up for your date!”

Phoenix shot a bewildered glance at his daughter, who ignored it as she immediately began tugging his arm and dragging him to his room.

“Trucy! Wait! Don’t you have school today!?”

“Trucy this really isn’t necessary!” Phoenix protested as he sat atop his bed while his daughter combed his hair to make his spikes “look nice,” all the while insisting she would pick his clothes out, and would even leave the house to give him and Lana some alone time.

I’d certainly hope so! She’s supposed to be at school anyway!

Trucy paid no mind to her father’s pleas and continued to forcefully comb his hair, earning a few yelps from the ex-attorney, which she ignored as well. Eventually, the teen jumped down from the bed and admired her work.

“You look great, Daddy! Now all that’s left is to pick your clothes out and we are good to go!”

Phoenix heaved a long sigh as Trucy rushed over to his closet and started going through his clothes. He’d just figured the magician would just pick out the nicest sweatshirt and pants he had. Instead, he was surprised – and a little bit alarmed – when Trucy threw his blue attorney suit on the bed.

“Um…Truce, I don’t think my old work clothes are appropriate for this right now…”

“That’s nonsense, Daddy! All the women have pictures of you in your famous blue suit! They always call you their favorite DILF!”

Phoenix groaned at the gratuitous use of the dreaded DILF word again, and almost reflexively ran his hand through his hair, but stopped when Trucy glared at him as she realized what he was about to do.

Oops! Mustn’t undo her handiwork or be forced to endure torture by comb yet again!

Phoenix gave another long sigh and gave a hard look at his old attorney suit.

“I guess…it wouldn’t hurt to wear it for one more day.”

It’s not as if I’m going outside anyway. Lana and I were just going to hang out and watch some movies anyway – legitimately! – I swear! “Movies” is not a euphemism for push, push in the bush!

“Yay! I knew you would come around, Daddy!” Trucy wrapped Phoenix in a huge hug, which he willingly returned. He loved his daughter dearly, even though he still didn’t like the idea of wearing his old attorney suit.

Just then, a car horn was heard outside.

“Oh! That must be my ride to school! Bye, Daddy!”

Trucy turned to leave but was stopped by her father’s inquiry.

“Ride to school? Who’s picking you up?”

“My German teacher Mrs. LeJacques. She promised to pick me up for school today!”

“Trucy that’s great and all, but when did your German teacher, of all people, promise to pick you up?”

“When I asked her yesterday!” Trucy flashed the peace sign at Phoenix. “She said it was no problem because her husband Élie, who is some French dude or something, is currently out of town, so she doesn’t have to worry about him in the morning! Gotta go! Bye, Daddy!”

The magician darted out of the flat, leaving Phoenix all by his lonesome. He glanced at the suit lying on the bed behind him and felt a wave of nostalgia as the memories instantly flooded back to him.

Those reminiscences had many highs and lows in them, but no matter the feelings that were associated with them, they made him remember the gaping chasm within his chest even more. Would Lana finally be able to help fill that void? Or would he be once more subjected to even more pain and punishment?

Lana was due to come over any minute.

Phoenix gave himself one final critical once over in the bedroom mirror. Not only did the suit fit perfectly but he ruefully acknowledged he quite enjoyed how it made him look strong – possibly because his post-disbarment acquired muscles were pushing against the fabric.

The spiky-haired man had to admit it was a relief that he was also able to get his tie on as well. For one thing, it’d had been a while, and for another, he’d been starting to wonder if his abysmal track record of past failed removal attempts with bras was any sort of indication of his shoddy fine motor skills! He was just putting the finishing touches on his suit the doorbell rang, indicating Lana had arrived.

Phoenix took a deep breath and trudged down to the door, opening it with shaky hands. He was uncertain if his nerves were mostly stemmed from uncertainty about his girlfriend’s reaction to seeing him in his suit for the first time in forever, (he was grossly overdressed for lounging at his house daytime date after all!) or it was because this could finally be his chance to mend the hole in his heart. He wasn’t sure.

The poker champ opened the door to see the brunette standing on the other side in a ravishing blue dress, her long light brown hair worn loose and tumbling in waves down her back. She looked gorgeous. His mouth went dry.

OK, I’ve always known she was a looker, but she looks incredible when she’s all dressed up like that! Looks like great minds think alike!

“Good morning Pho-…Oh…Wow…”

“H-Hey Lana…” Phoenix and Lana both had bright red faces as they stared at each other in mutual admiration of the other’s outfit.

They were silent for several long seconds before he broke the silence.

“Oh um…I hope you don’t mind me wearing my old suit, my daughter picked it out for me.”

“Huh?… Oh no, it’s fine! You clean up well!”  Lana blushed, and Phoenix coughed slightly as he welcomed Lana into the living room. “Er, that is, you look rather dashing if you ask me!”

“Thanks. So do you.”

Phoenix closed the door and sat down beside her on the sofa. The couple sat in awkward silence for a few minutes before he decided to break the ice.

“So um…Do you want anything to drink?”

“I wouldn’t mind some wine if you have some, I read that a glass a day is good for the body.”

He nodded, then walked into the kitchen to his hidden wine stash, and grabbed a bottle. Even though he had long since forsaken wine in favor of grape juice, he still kept a small stash handy, just in case.

Phoenix poured the contents into a stemmed glass and returned to give it to Lana, who graciously accepted it and took a small sip before scrunching up her pretty face in disgust. He couldn’t help but laugh.

“What, do you not like wine?”

“I have to admit the taste does elude me somewhat! Still, I heard it’s good for you so…”

“Well, I’m sure there are plenty of healthy alternatives. There’s no reason to force something down you don’t like.”

“That may be true but I’m sure after a glass or two, I’ll be fine.” Lana took a big swig of her drink before placing the empty glass down on the table with a loud clink. Phoenix was a little concerned, as even his former wino ass had trouble drinking such large gulps of wine.

“I don’t know if you want to drink too much, Lana, especially if you are still new to drinking wine…It could cause some upset stomachs.” Phoenix’s words were ignored as she airily waved her hand and gave a small laugh.

“Don’t worry Phoenix!” She hiccupped. “I’ll be fine!”

His look of consternation only grew as he saw that his girlfriend’s face now bore a sloppy grin, and was extremely red in the cheeks. It was like staring into a direct mirror of his past. He knew what that look meant!

Somehow, someway, Lana Skye had gotten completely drunk off ONE glass of cheap red wine! 

Then again, she had been in a presumably booze-free prison environment for many years, so it would certainly explain her non-existent tolerance to alcohol now…

“Uh, Lana? I think you might be a little tipsy, so I think it’s safe to say you shouldn’t drink anymore…”

His words were cut off as the tipsy woman laughed and suddenly jumped on top of him.

“Lana?! What are you doing?”

The rest of his words were muffled as Lana pressed her eager lips to his.  His stunned reaction only lasted a split second before he eventually melted into the kiss. While the two were locked in a combat of tongues, she reached down and grabbed a particularly sensitive spot of his, causing him to go wide-eyed in shock at her boldness.

“Hee!” She tittered. You look just like Jake whenever I did this…Your eyes go all alien-like!”

“Lana I don’t think –” Phoenix was again cut off by Lana’s insistently roving mouth on his, and hands that continued their determined ministrations southbound, causing him to grow a little bit uncomfortable on the small couch.

Lana lifted her lips away and gave him a drunken, sly smile as she started undoing her dress. While the viewing pleasure was unmistakable, he couldn’t help but make one last-ditch effort to be a gentleman.

“H-Hey Lana! You just got here and you took all that time to put the dress on, don’t you think you should leave it on for a bit longer?”

Lana tittered as she continued to undo her dress.

“Why would I do that, silly? I only spent like five minutes putting this dress on, I mean sure I had help from Ema but –”

Lana was interrupted as she slid right off the couch and landed on the floor with a thud. Phoenix regarded her worriedly, but she just laughed it off and finally removed her dress, revealing her partially nude body, as she still wore a bra and undergarments. He felt his resolve to keep this relationship PG-13 weakening.

Damn, for being in jail for so long she sure stayed fit!

He was jolted out of his reverie however when Lana started howling even louder.

“Hey, lover! I can’t see my back! Can you undo my bra for me?”

Lana positioned her back halfway to her beau, with Phoenix having to help her turn all the way around.

Alright well…Might as well go along with it! I am still a man after all! Oh shit! I have to undo another bra!  

The moment of truth slapped him across the face as he stared dismally at the accursed thing before him in the manner of a sword-wielding knight facing a dragon. He’d had so many past troubles with all these over-the-shoulder, boulder holders which were more like chastity belts! Would today be the day he finally conquered his foe?

Phoenix studied the thing over before carefully working his magic. With painstaking care, he unhooked one thing, hooked another one, pulled one down, pushed one up, and when all was said and done… he’d made zero progress whatsoever. He groaned inwardly.

Of course…  

The situation was only made worse by the fact that Lana couldn’t stop laughing.

“Oops, I forgot! I can just unhook this thing from the front!”

Phoenix mentally facepalmed at that statement.

Lana undid her frontal bra clasp, then turned around and pressed her bared chest against him. Phoenix wrapped his arms around her as they fell halfway off the couch but stayed locked in a battle of lips.

After a few steamy tongue wrestling moments, she pushed herself off him and walked over to a bag she had brought, digging around in it before she let out a cry of victory. Then she pulled out something which, to Phoenix’s absolute horror, looked very… disturbingly… phallic-shaped. With a harness!

This is every guy’s worst nightmare! He thought wildly. The valiant knight finally removes the chastity belt and remaining garments from the fair maiden, only to ask the most harrowing question of all: why does each one of us have dong?! 

Phoenix’s mind just froze.

What sort of devilish thing was this woman thinking? Was he about to be on the receiving end of one of the most demonic-looking inventions ever created?

“Hey um, Lana…What exactly are your plans for that?”

“Well…Jake always liked it when we took turns, and I always went first!” Lana laughed gaily as she waved the instrument about before turning her back to him as she began wriggling it on. “I hope you don’t mind!”

Phoenix died a little bit on the inside as he just stared at Lana, taking advantage of her distracted state of saddling up while quickly reaching into his pocket and pulling out his cellphone. He hit a random number on speed dial and prayed someone with a brain would pick up.

“Hello!” Chirped the brainless bumblebutt who answered the line. “You have reached the Butz residence!”

Of fucking course! Phoenix mentally facepalmed. I can hear God laughing at me!

Well, beggars couldn’t be choosers. Desperate times called for desperate measures… And this was possibly the most desperate he’d ever been! Which, considering his recent record of accomplishment with women, was seriously saying something!

“Larry…This is Phoenix!” He rasped in a hushed whisper. “Quick! I need you to pick me right this instant!”

“Oh, Nick! Hello, good buddy! Are we going on a date? Because I don’t know if Jacob would –”

“No, we are not going on a date!” Phoenix hissed, peeking at Lana out of the corner of his eye with rising panic. “Look, I’ve just bitten more than I can chew, and I need your help! Just come pick me up at my house now! We can talk then.”

“Alrighty! Can do, Nicky-poo!”

I cannot believe talking to Larry about going on a date and hearing him call me that harrowing nickname still isn’t the most disturbing thing to happen to me today…

Larry hung up, leaving Phoenix and a drunken former Chief Prosecutor alone.

“Alright well, maybe we should…Lana, why are you looking at me like that?”

The ex-detective had a devilish grin on her face as she leered at Phoenix and laughed maniacally.

“I heard you talking on your cellular phone and heard you say ‘bitten and chew!’ So you’re that kind of guy, are you?”

The next thing Phoenix knew, the newly-strapped Lana had jumped on top of him and pinned him onto the floor, straddling his face so he was eyeball to eyeball with something he had ever dreamed he would be facing in his life. The man-made Johnson looked about ready to poke his eye out if he so much as lifted his head!

“Wait no!” He shouted in dissent. “I didn’t mean that! Umph!”

It was too late. The poor ex-defense attorney suddenly had a mouthful of plastic shaft forced in between his parted lips, with Lana oblivious to his wide-eyed head thrashings and gags of protest.

“Come on now Phoenix! It’s not so bad!” Lana’s vigorous pelvic thrusts only made him gag even harder, as he was unable to even jerk his unwilling mouth away, due to the death grip she had on his head! The damn woman appeared to have been lifting weights in prison because she was deceptively stronger than she looked!

Gah! Someone save me! I wasn’t into Peg when she was Al Bundy’s wife on Married With Children, am I sure as hell am not into it now!

Phoenix could feel burning tears in his eyes as his throat began to ache, while the constant forceful movements of his resisting head thudding against the ground were starting to build a massive headache.

In spite of his struggles, Lana quite appeared to be enjoying herself, cackling fiendishly the entire time, and even groped at his nether regions to get a rise out of him, although there was no way his real man parts were going to be cooperating amidst this fresh hell! 

What’s not good for the goose is just as bad for the gander! Nobody should ever be forced to Deep Throat against their will!

At last, Lana mercifully stopped subjecting him to the mouthful of members, causing Phoenix to drop to the ground, coughing, splattering, and desperately searching for some sort of liquid to quell his burning gullet. His fingers closed around a half-full bottle of water sitting on the coffee table, and he chugged the entire contents down in one guzzle, hoping to soothe his aching throat.

Even though he’d thought Lana was done torturing him, he realized was completely wrong as she wound her hand up like a baseball pitcher and slapped Phoenix heartily on his ass. He yelped loudly as her palm connected to the tender spot that’d been bitten by the crab, and undoubtedly would have been inflicted worse pain if he hadn’t scampered away on all fours, in a manner not entirely unlike a crustacean!

“Aww…Come on Phoenix! No need to be shy!” Lana hiccupped again and hooted shrilly as she waved her heteroclite-adorned pelvis at him, all the while beckoning for him to come over.

“No, it’s OK Lana!” He cried hoarsely. “I think I’ve had enough of my turn…Perhaps you would like a turn now? Please?”

“No silly! It’s too early for my turn! I still have to let you enjoy your turn!” Lana jumped from the couch on top of Phoenix and crushed her mouth against his resisting lips while groping at him wildly.

The deviant freak (who all this time had been disguising herself as a normal girlfriend) unzipped his pants and pulled his dong out, keeping a firm grip on it while expertly maneuvering herself so that she was now facing his lap while straddling his face. In this coerced 69 position, she then commenced giving his flaccid member some lusty lip service, while simultaneously positioning her faux male parts back down his barely recovered gullet!

Any pleasure Phoenix may have gotten from the attention being lavished on the lower half of his body was completely negated by the fact that his throat once again felt like it’d caught fire! He was even having trouble breathing as the merciless plastic demon pecker kept being forced down his throat over and over!

Lana continued to relish being the giver of mouthful ministrations at her end, but her movements were so vigorous and painful on his resisting unit that it still felt more like assault rather than enjoyable foreplay of any sort!

Ouch! I don’t know what’s burning more, between my no-no places and my damn throat! I suppose I should be grateful she’s not getting teeth involved!

Phoenix knew he had to get the hell out of there, but he had no iota of how to achieve this!

It seemed luck was finally on his side, however. At that moment, completely out of nowhere, a bird suddenly flew into the place, thanks to the open window it had found in the screen, which had a hole torn into it.

“Hey, Mr. Bird! How are you?” Lana thankfully lifted her head, her oral attention diverted from Phoenix’s bird, giving his tenderized man parts a much desired and needed break as she let out a small twitter.

She jumped off of Phoenix and walked over to the bird, now perched on the couch.  The grateful pianist gave a silent thank you to whatever forces were listening and limped up from the ground. He slowly walked over to the window to peer out when he saw Larry pulling up outside from the window.

Oh, sweet Jesus! Thank you!

Phoenix had never been so happy to see Larry before in his life as he gave another silent thank you to the universe and heavens.

“Hey Lana, I’m going to go um…See if there are any other Mr. Birds outside! I’ll be right back!”

“Huh? Oh, OK!” She hiccupped. “Bring back as many as you can find! Lookit you, pretty birdy!”

Phoenix didn’t even reply as he rushed out to Larry’s van. He quickly jumped inside without even bothering with a greeting.

“Larry, I don’t care where you go – just drive! Drive fast, drive far and drive me the hell out here!”

Larry just nodded obediently as he drove out onto the street, casting an appreciative glance at his friend as he did so.

“Hey, Nicky…I always wanted to play a little game of measure for measure with you, but I don’t know if the van, while I’m driving, is the best time or place!”

Phoenix gawked at his friend blankly, before Larry pointed down, making the aghast card shark realize he’d run outside like a bat out of hell so quickly, that he’d never even put his junk away!

Blushing furiously, he quickly tucked himself from out of sight from Larry’s prying eyes and zipped his pants back up, all the while silently pointing ahead, signaling the artist to drive on.

The New Year that had started so well, had taken a very a complete turnabout 180! 

Fate was as cruel as death, which was something Phoenix knew firsthand. They were the demons in his life, the ones that held onto his neck so tight they squeezed the air out of him. Yet he figured at least fate would eventually get tired of suffocating, that its clutches would numb. Love was like that; when it got in its strongest, it always weakened and eventually let go, just when he thought he’d finally gotten it within his clasp. Fate, it seemed, was determined to let it dangle before him, like a tantalizing carrot, before heartlessly snatching it from his grasp.

I am fortune’s fool indeed, he thought grimly. As for fate…thou art a douche!