11 SomeBerry to Love

Notes:

Blindknyttstories-My good friend JP decided there wasn’t enough circus love in the world, so she came up with this masterpiece. I’m sure you love all the antics, I know I sure did..hehe (Spoon broke, Using hands to dig now, distracted the dogs with steak.)

JP – *thinks* (drat! shouldn’t have confiscated his nail clippers -apparently he’s using his newly long talons as digging tools!)
I hope this chapter inspires a few chuckles at least as Phoenix tries to cope with sad memories, sobriety, taking one for the team (Trucy), and dealing with pet names even worse than what Iris gave him…

Big Berry Circus – December 17, 2024

Phoenix and Trucy joined the throng of people swarming into the circus tent, all eagerly anticipating seeing the evening’s jaw-dropping, death-defying, talented acts that would shock and amaze their eyes.

The show was as spectacular as the hobo remembered. Based on her mesmerized gaze taking in all the sights before her, he was pleased to see his daughter was enjoying herself, as well,

“This is so exciting, Daddy!” The magician enthused, her delighted eyes never leaving the Big Top Ring even as she took an enormous bite of pink cotton candy.

“Well, Moe the Clown is now the man in charge of Big Berry Circus.” He smiled indulgently at her enthusiasm. “He recognized me when I was jogging in People Park the other day, and insisted on giving me and my baby girl a couple of free tickets as an early Christmas gift.”

“And front-row seats too! So awesomesauce!”

Thank goodness I had these tickets to fall back on! It’s a consolation prize sent from the heavens so that my kid still had something fun to do for the holidays since our stay in Palm Springs got cut drastically short, what with Iris storming out of there immediately after our breakup in the getaway car! Yeesh, there is no nice way to end things with someone, even if you go for the short but sweet ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ route!

Phoenix swallowed back a groan at the recollection of the teary confrontation and slumped in his seat, tugging his beanie over his eyes as though trying to block it out.  

Thank Christ Jinxie and her father were there to drive us back home, or else we’d still probably be stranded up there! I sure hope Trucy bought my lame excuse about Iris suddenly coming down with a bug as a plausible excuse for peeling out of there like a bat of hell! But what in the blazes could I have told her otherwise? “Your golden-shower-loving, deviant freak of a teacher reminds me too much of her deceased, psychotic, albeit better in bed, twin sister?! And despite my efforts, no matter how unfair, it’s impossible for me to ever see Iris for just herself and not draw unfair parallels, hence? Also…the woman gave me crabs!?”

He chuckled to himself at the last imagined sentence.

Phrasing! Well, crab, and not the lingering transferrable, gross kind, but still! Iris is literally the most painful memory of all these women! My bee-stings have healed, but my rear is still worse for wear! Ugh, must these seats be so hard on my poor, abused heinie?!

Trucy grinned and reached for the huge bucket of popcorn, making her father once again marvel at how such a tiny 13-year-old could shovel away more food than a linebacker and manage not to weigh 400 lbs! He knew his daughter was a growing girl, but there were times he wondered if she had a tapeworm!

Or six stomachs…

Shit, he’d just had to go there, hadn’t he?

Tiny girl…huge appetite…makes you spend a fortune on food…Jeez, Phoenix, remind you of somebody that you used to know? His cruel mind suddenly taunted him.

He slammed shut the mental gate on that particular trip down memory lane – it would only bring him depression and pain, and he no longer had the solace of alcohol to numb it. Instead, he put an enormous lock on the said door and smiled brightly at his daughter.

“Good thing you work, kiddo, otherwise I don’t know how we’d be able to afford the rent with that appetite of yours,” he joked, helping himself to some of the glistening kernel snacks – extra butter, the way Trucy liked it best. “Slow down on this junk – you’re going to spoil your dinner!”

“Nah, I’ll always have room for Mr. Eldoon’s noodles!” Trucy beamed, tipping her hat at him.

“How did you know we were having noodles for dinner, Missy?”

“Because it’s Tuesday. We always go for his extra-salty special on Tuesdays, Daddy!”

Yeesh, am I seriously that predictable? What a dull and drab routine…maybe I should shake things up what with a New Year looming? Offer to take her for burgers or something?

Right. Because that food wouldn’t remind him of any relatives of his most recent ex at all…

Stop it Phoenix! You’re just extra nostalgic because it’s the holidays and you’re still getting used to feeling genuine, non-wine-obliterated emotions for the first time in years! It doesn’t help either that the last time you were here under this Big Top, it was with…

“Ladies and Gentlemen!” The ringmaster suddenly boomed into his microphone, mercifully interrupting the former attorney’s dreary train of melancholic thoughts. “May I have your attention, please? It is now time for the main event! Put your hands together and welcome our featured attraction, the one, the only, the lovely Regina Berry and Regent!”

The spotlights shone then on the familiar, large tiger and the girl who still looked very much like the adorable, bubbly teenager Phoenix had once known.

Although she had to be in her early 20s now, Regina still retained the fresh-faced prettiness of her youth, with only a slight slimming and more sculpted look to her round, childlike face, and a bit more filling out of her petite figure, vividly showcased as she pranced about the ring in her red stage costume, trimmed with gold sequins, twirling a pink-and-gold wand with a star on top.  Her blonde curls were pinned up by the same glittering gold tiara, the gem set in its center matching her brilliant blue eyes. Her innocent smile lit up whatever room she was in, and she almost seemed to sparkle.

Her magical effect on people hadn’t dimmed at all with age. Instead, she appeared to have even more of a magnetic draw now. She waved to the cheering, adoring crowd, flashing a brilliant megawatt grin, then proceeded to wow them all with the animal training of the enormous jungle cat.

An assistant came along and placed a huge hoop down onto a platform, then lit it on fire, making the audience draw in a deep breath. They knew what was coming.

Suddenly Regina looked out into the crowd and locked gazes with Phoenix, seated dead center, in the row of seats directly before her. Her huge eyes widened even further with delighted surprise, then she gave a tiny, almost shy, wave.

Reflexively, he waved back, astonished she’d recognized him seven years later, in his nearly incognito hobo gear and beanie. Trucy stared at the animal trainer, who was now flashing what could only be described as a sassy wink at Phoenix, then back at her father in wonder. All lamenting about Iris, if any, vanished from the girl’s mind as a smile crept over her features and a plan formed to shape within her mind.

“Daddy, the pretty lady waved at you,” the magician noted, batting innocuous eyes at him. “Do you know her?”

“I sure do,” the pianist smiled easily, reluctantly breaking the spell and shifting his eyes away from said pretty performer and onto his daughter. “She was a witness in the trial I had back in the day with Big Berry Circus. She wasn’t much older than you are now the last time I saw her.”

“But that had to have been nearly ten years ago, right?” Trucy prodded. “So she’s probably lots older than me now, right?”

“I guess so…” he replied slowly, looking at his daughter suspiciously. “Why do you ask?”

“Well, I know maybe back then she would have been too young to even consider dating…”

“Trucy!” Phoenix looked at her in disbelief. “Where on earth would you get that sort of idea from? She’s still a good decade younger than me, and even if it isn’t illegal to even consider the notion anymore, what makes you think she’s even available to date? Or would even want to date me?”

The last thing I recall was that Regina was caught in a complex love triangle between my client Max Galactica and Trilo, the wooden ventriloquist dummy…who still had more personality, and was less aggravating, than the flamboyant magician, in my opinion, but that’s neither here nor there…

“She likes you,” Trucy replied solemnly, her expression earnest. “Trust me, Daddy, it’s a girl thing, I can just tell.”

“Just because she waved at me? Truce, you’re really reaching here!”

“You’re wrong, Daddy.” Trucy shook her head stubbornly. “Out of the bunches of people here, she smiled at you. Waved at you. And winked at you. Because you’re the most handsome man here.”

“Because she knows me!” Phoenix protested, reddening slightly. As flattering as it was his daughter thought he was some kind of studly women-magnet, he’d been referred to as an Old Man far too many times in his life – when he’d been a younger, successful lawyer and by persons even older than Regina! – to delude himself into believing the teen’s romantic ideals, especially since he was now nothing more than a shady-looking hobo!

“OK, but then why is she still staring at you?” Trucy smiled mischievously. “Regent is jumping through a flaming hoop right now, and should have all her attentions, but he doesn’t. Because it’s mostly focused on you.”

It was the truth, but the DILF’s blush deepened nevertheless.

When hath my little girl gotten so astute? What the heck are they teaching these kids in school nowadays? Or is she just seeing things that she wants to see because she wants a new mommy so badly?

If that were the case, he hated to be the one to shatter her illusions. Unless of course, she was bang on in her convictions, in which case, did he not owe it to her to at least test the theory…?

As though sensing his wavering, Trucy flashed him a triumphant smile.

“Well, since Regina knows you, we should have no problem going backstage to her dressing room to tell her how much we enjoyed the show,” she said happily. “Also, to thank her – after all, it’s her family circus – for the tickets.”

“Um, alrighty then…” her father agreed cautiously. “Yes, I suppose it couldn’t hurt just to pass by and say hello…”

“Goody, goody gumdrops!” Trucy bounced excitedly in her seat. “Oh, and Daddy, see that nice man coming with the flowers, in this direction? Maybe you should buy some from him.”

“Er, sure…” Phoenix fumbled into his meager wallet and counted just enough bills to cover the cost of one overpriced rose from the vendor. This would consequently mean they were eating boxed macaroni and cheese for dinner that night, as the unexpected expense would cut into their dining funds. “Anything for you, baby girl. So, what color do you want?”

“Not for me, Daddy, you silly man!” The child rolled her eyes in comic exasperation. “For Regina! Ladies love flowers! You should buy her a red rose. After all, it matches her outfit.”

She reached over to pluck one long-stemmed bloom from the arms of the flower seller, who had just approached them.

“And FYI,” she added with a wink. “Red roses mean love, you know!”

Wright Talent Agency – December 31, 2024

Parental obligations. Damn them all.

Trucy had been 100% accurate in her deductions of noticing Regina noticing him. When they’d gone backstage to see her two weeks ago, the bubbly blonde had squealed with excited glee and lurched her scantily-clad, sequined curves against the pink-cheeked card shark. Then she’d proceeded to plant a loud and effusive kiss on the lips as thanks for the rose, being so delighted by once again seeing “the still so sexy Beanie Feenie!”

Ugh! How is it possible that she managed to come up with a nickname even more nerve-racking than the one Iris had for me?!

Regina had warmly greeted his daughter as well. She’d struck up an immediate kinship with the teenager after learning that the little Troupe Gramarye performer was an illusionist. The animal trainer had even finagled things with the circus so that Trucy could perform a magic show for a special Big Berry Christmas Eve show, to a sold-out crowd. The amount of money Trucy had been paid for that one-time gig was roughly equivalent to two months’ salary at The Wonder Bar!

In uncharacteristically strict Daddy mode, the poker champ had immediately deposited all the funds into a locked investment savings account for his child’s college tuition – even though Trucy had sulked about the fact that he’d thwarted her plans to squander it on more magician paraphernalia.  Phoenix had needed to put his foot down – there was simply no more room at the offices/apartment for any more magic stuff! As it was, he could barely find an inch of space to take a seat without some sharp sort of prop painfully poking him on/up his still-healing ass!

Naturally, all of this had meant that Regina Berry was the best thing since sliced bread in Trucy’s books.

Unfortunately, her father found the experience of dating the bubbly blonde to be absolutely crumby!

This was largely due to the fact that the still ditzy Regina had only gotten older in physical age, but not so much mental maturity.

Either the 22-year-old, cuter than a little Maltese puppy girl was too young for him, or his 32-year-old ass was indeed, too much of an Old Man for her! Not that Regina ever said anything of the sort. Quite the contrary; she’d cooed about having had a crush on him even as a teen, and always gushed how happy she was that he was “more of a hottie biscotti” now than he’d been back then!

Phoenix had to admit the gushing praise, although embarrassing, was nonetheless great for his pulverized self-esteem, as his ego had taken a severe battering since disbarring.

However, it was hard to put too much stock into the opinions of a girl-child who, although realizing dead people didn’t just merely “turn into stars in the sky”, maintained almost all of the naïve, fantastical points of view from her youth.

I mean, she also believes that somewhere in this world, there are actually castles made of cake and that there are talking rabbits in Zimbabwe!

Aside from being a father now, Phoenix felt he’d already also done his hard time back in the day, what with watching children’s samurai shows and being dragged to amusement parks, where the combination of heights and spinning rides had made him want to projectile vomit! Admittedly, the latter outing was still mostly enjoyable (as long as he didn’t go on the crazy roller coasters), provided he was in the right mood and was going with someone he genuinely adored.

Like who, Phoenix? His wretched now sober mind jeered at him.

Shut up brain! Like my daughter, whose childlike delight in such an environment is endearing, and more often than not, thaws much of the ice that’s formed around my heart over the years – that’s who!

Trying to remain young at heart at least on the surface, the ivory tickler fervently hoped he didn’t constitute as too much of a stick in the mud for lamenting that his first date with Regina at a video arcade had been less than ideal. Phoenix had been in a mood most foul, as well as bored out of his tree watching the woman he was seeing play Dance Dance Revolution for two straight hours against the obnoxious 8-year-old who had previously beat him on the dance machine.

Badly.

He’d have called it quits then, but Trucy seemed so pleased to have Regina around as an oversized playmate. His daughter more often than not accompanied them on their outings, which made Phoenix usually feel a weird combination of relief and frustration.

The latter feeling was because he often felt like he was playing Daddy for two now when the pair of squealing girls got together. The former was due to Trucy’s presence of a pint-sized chaperone on the typically kid-friendly, but hardly romantic dates. Hence, any sort of intimacy with Regina was nigh impossible. After two weeks of courtship, Phoenix and his new girlfriend hadn’t even kissed yet, save for the initial discomfiting one she’d planted on him in her dressing room.

The most unsettling part of all was the rueful acknowledgment that he wasn’t nearly as disappointed about this as any normal man who was dating a hot blonde (yet was constantly being unwittingly cock-blocked by his teenager) should have been!

Ultimately, he just didn’t want to upset Trucy by letting another “potential mommy” go quite so readily again.  He loved his daughter so much, and he’d already broken her heart once with his thoughtless actions –  an incident so permanently steeped into his memory that an elephant’s would have seemed fleeting by comparison. This glaring historical fact was something he was only now beginning to forgive himself for, almost four months later.

Subsequently, in the name of being a good father, for the past fortnight, Phoenix had endured outings on “dates” that were so abominable, that he’d have preferred to have spent the evening baking apple pie with Larry and Jacob! At least then he’d have been awake!

You’d normally have to be at least somewhat conscious to throw up in your own mouth at the sight of the two goo-birds cooing at each other, ad nauseam, right?

Date two. The My Little Pony movie. Trucy had insisted that heterosexual men enjoyed the animated, pastel-colored horses as well. Phoenix had shuddered at the creepy notion but had sucked it up, even though it’d meant pinching himself the entire time to remain alert – his forearm still had bruises! The pedantic trite drivel disguised as a film had made him yearn for his long-ago abandoned Steel Samurai days!

Admitting to this, even if only to myself, is a concept even more alarming than the existence of Bronies!

To be fair, he had no idea if Regina was a brilliant conversationalist. How could he, when he’d been stuck in between her and Trucy, both giggling inanely, in dark silence, for the last couple of hours?

Date Three. Tongues and Tails nightclub. One of the few places Trucy was too young to tag along. The discothèque was even noisier than his workplace, and only brought to light that not only did Phoenix have two left feet on the dance floor, but was undoubtedly the oldest one on it! He’d never mastered the concept of the bodily seizure-like thrashing to deafeningly bad music, usually entailing how much money the singer had spent on his scads of bitches and hos with huge booty!

Ugh, music nowadays, he’d grimaced. RAP should be spelled with a big, fat C in front of it! The next time I hear a song about a rapper bragging about how much money he makes, Ima go download his album for free! OK, fine! My non-tech-savvy arse wouldn’t have a clue how to do that – so I’d make Trucy do it for me!

Admittedly he’d not entirely been against the pleasant view of the sexily-clad Regina spending all her time before him, face down, ass up, but he also ruefully acknowledged that it was not the way to have a get-to-know-you conversation with a woman you wished to forge a connection with.

Not if you’re looking for a heart-to-heart, not merely a part-to-part!

Date four. The shopping mall. As though he hadn’t endured enough hellacious trips there for the sake of his daughter. Now he’d been forced to do so while pretending to call it a date!

‘Tis a cruel and unusual punishment indeed, sitting on a bench outside a ladies’ boutique. I’d thought that was a fresh hell specially reserved for fathers and long-term boyfriends! Take heed! If she’s not your baby mama and you haven’t seen the inside of her apartment, avoid retail dates! Unless you’re an overly guilted, loving father like me. Then you just suck it up, buttercup!

The icing on the cake had to have been post-shopping. Phoenix had felt like a complete, over-aged bozo as they’d joined the rest of the teen mall rats in the food court and dined on fast food, much like a bunch of hormonal-crazed high schoolers!

Doesn’t dating etiquette dictate that you just say no to taking her somewhere where you can get a children’s toy with your meal?!

At least he’d been spared the awkward embarrassment of Regina asking his broke ass to buy her anything. She’d even generously purchased a couple of clothing items for Trucy, as well as herself.  Nonetheless, he still hadn’t been exempted from being the glorified pack mule who’d had to haul their purchases around the entire evening!

As a result of the last four abysmal dates, with this New Year’s Eve constituting date number five, Phoenix felt his lack of enthusiasm was completely warranted.

He’d balked at Regina’s suggestion of going to celebrate at The Pour House bar. For one thing, he already worked in one. Moreover, he didn’t feel like enduring another crowded, noisy atmosphere and the aggravated embarrassment of ordering an iced tea, only to wind up looking like a gay extra from Sex and the City with a mini-umbrella, appletini in his hand! The worst part was knowing it wasn’t because the bartender had hearing problems but because tonight the New Year festivities would make it as loud as the blows of a hammer! Undoubtedly, the act of taking Regina to a tavern that night would devolve into a shouting match, and his Objection courtroom days were long past him!

His new squeeze had surprised him by alternately offering to spend a nice, relaxing evening in her trailer, watching the ball drop on TV instead. He’d been astounded by the offer – did this mean they’d, at last, be able to hear each other speak?! Phoenix had accepted readily, as Trucy would be spending the evening at a friend’s house and wouldn’t be back until the next morning. The girl had cheekily yet meaningfully insisted that her Daddy go “Have fun finally getting some alone time with the girlfriend!”

How depressing was it that Trucy was more excited about that notion than Phoenix was? And that he saw being with Regina as being only marginally better than being alone?

The concept of loneliness engulfed his thoughts. Stretching out in front of him like a map, the unknown studied his fears, his courage, and his knowledge. Some people could revel in the sensory calm that isolation could bring, and the creativity it could bring to life. But for Phoenix, being alone was his worst nightmare. With nothing to do and no one to talk to, his deepest fears clawed at the base of his throat and buried themselves in his chest, quickening the gentle thud of his heart.

And this was why he would go to Regina’s, despite the misgivings in his heart. What were his alternatives, after all? Spend New Year’s Eve solo, lost in his still-plaguing loneliness, and mope about the increasing likelihood that he may very well die alone.

Fat chance.

He had to try to make this work. For Trucy’s sake.

 Regina Berry’s Trailer – December 31, 2024

Phoenix hadn’t known what to expect from Regina’s living quarters, having never been in a trailer before, but his first impression upon entering was that he’d never before seen one place, one room, essentially, with so much furniture and so many pink and red accents. Hues he’d never choose himself, but of course, he should have expected the girly, feminine, if not the luxe, décor.

In contrast, at his own home, he’d dedicated his purchases to clean lines, simple and mostly white; but these walls were all shades of red and cerise. The furniture was rustic and dark, sprinkled liberally with vibrant cushions. There was a small corner dining table in easy reach of every seat, and the walls bore more photographs than paint. Each one displayed a happy memory; Regina as a smiling child through to the present day, alongside her friends and family from the circus. There was lively Top 40 music in the background and the scent of fragrant candles in the air.

“Make yourself comfortable,” the blonde chirped, kissing him on the cheek in greeting. Then she turned the television on so they could watch the live countdown till the New Year. She muted the sound and turned the stereo a bit louder.

“Raise Your Glasses” by Pink blasted within the small confines of the trailer.

Phoenix sank onto the plush sofa quite comfortably. He didn’t feel he’d ever want to leave these homey surroundings. This wasn’t just a trailer, it was a home; she’d made it that way, and he was suitably impressed.

This isn’t so bad, he thought to himself, taking a sip of the cool juice she’d offered him. And Regina looked stunning that night, dressed in a dark pink dress with spaghetti straps that fitted at the waist and flared out at hip length. She wasn’t wearing her stage tiara, of course, so her honey-colored curls tumbled around her face, giving her a look that was part wanton, part innocence at the same time. It was an enthralling, and intriguing combination.

The ex-lawyer regarded the lovely young woman seated next to him and wondered what, if anything, would transpire that evening. Or even if he wanted it to.  Admittedly, she was very attractive, but…

Regina didn’t waste any time or let him finish his thoughts.

“You know, this is a sofa bed,” she told him coyly, a gleam in her eye. “It pulls right out if you want to make yourself more comfortable…”

Phoenix got up off the couch, a tad surprised at the direct approach she’d opted for. While he wasn’t against some kissing or some mild necking – how else to determine if they had any chemistry since they’d had zero physical contact except for light hand-holding in the theatre and the club?! – he certainly hadn’t been expecting anything beyond that after only two weeks!

Of course, he also hadn’t expected Iris the nun to drop to her knees on the sand in front of him after three weeks of dating, either…

He helped Regina pull the couch into a bed form, but rather than lay down on it, he found himself remaining sitting upright, legs dangling over the edge and suddenly feeling slightly uncomfortable, although not quite certain why.

As though sensing his thoughts, she slid over to his side and stood between his legs, staring down at him with a teasing smile and studying his face as if she were memorizing every detail. Finally, her appreciative gaze lingered over his mouth for so long, that his lips began to feel warm.

He knew then, although he couldn’t say how he knew, that she was going to kiss him. He knew it just as he knew he was going to let her. He waited, holding his breath, almost nervous about what was to come. When she didn’t move, he felt a tad mortified at his presumptuousness and closed his eyes against the wave of embarrassment.

And then it happened, her mouth was on his. Her lips were damp and cool, soft and sweet. He kissed her back with the same quiet intensity she’d had in her stare. Tentative at first, but gradually turning bolder, learning every inch of her mouth in slow, deep kisses.

After the first touch, he kissed her back, giving as good as he was getting. For long, precious minutes they made love with only their mouths, their bodies close but not quite touching, his hands flat on the bed behind him as he held himself upright while she leaned over him.

Finally, Phoenix pulled away, gasping for much–needed air. He wanted to speak, but no words would come.

“Kiss me again,” she said, leaning closer so that their shoulders brushed. “Kiss me and stop thinking.”

He didn’t hesitate this time as she leaned toward him and pressed her open mouth to his. There was nothing tentative about the way they kissed this time. His hands came up to hold her face as he tasted her mouth. When she finally pulled away so she could catch her breath, she didn’t need to ask again; he came back for more. With complete abandon she kissed him, devouring his taste and absorbing his touch. Her deft fingers unzipped his hoodie, pushing the material aside and down his arms, then yanking his t-shirt over his head so her hands could explore the bare skin of his chest.

His skin felt damp. Not clammy exactly, but moist. As if he’d just gotten out of the shower and hadn’t had a chance to towel himself off yet. She ran her fingertips over his muscular shoulders and a soft, guttural groan slipped from his lips at her gentle caress. He mirrored her actions, using his hands to smooth the thin silk straps of her dress over her shoulders.

“I—I shouldn’t do this,” he murmured even while her fingers discovered the sculpted contours of his chest. He shivered, wanting to both pull her closer and push her away at the same time.

“Don’t tell me what you should do.” Her voice was as ethereal as the sound of the ocean. “Tell me what you want to do.”

Phoenix tore himself away and yanked off his beanie, raking an agitated hand through his hair.

“This isn’t right,” he breathed raggedly. “I mean, we haven’t even kissed till now! And this is the first time we’ve been alone together since we started dating! When I agreed to come over, I didn’t want you to think I just wanted to…you know…”

Regina drew back and stared at him with hurt eyes. Her lower lip quivered, as though fighting back tears, while she affected her most wounded expression.

“And whose fault is it that we hadn’t even kissed?” She asked sulkily, folding her arms across her chest. “Certainly not mine! I kissed you the moment you came to my dressing room, so you knew that I was interested. You’re the one who’s been holding back, Mr. Beanie Feenie!”

He cringed inwardly at the atrocious nickname.

Ugh, how am I supposed to take her seriously if she insists on calling me that?!  

“I’m sorry, Regina. That first time you planted one on me, I wasn’t sure how to respond,” he mumbled awkwardly. “I mean, my daughter was right there and all, and I’ve never been one to enjoy an audience…”

“We’re alone now though,” she pointed out. “But you’re making it clear that you still don’t want me.”

“It’s not that I don’t want you, Regina,” he protested. “It’s just –”

“You don’t need to lie to me, Beanie Feenie,” she whimpered, her eyes welling with tears. “I’m a big girl. I can handle rejection. Obviously, you aren’t attracted to me. You don’t think I’m pretty.”

“Regina, please!” In desperation, he tugged her hand, pulling her closer to him again and down to his level so they were face to face. “You’re wrong. I do. I do think you’re pretty.”

Abruptly, the waterworks stopped, and a sultry expression replaced the sad one.

“So you do, do you?” She murmured, a lascivious smile spreading over Regina’s face as she sank to her knees.

Before he knew what was happening, she’d reached up for the waistband of his joggers and drawers and yanked them down to his ankles, with one hand while taking a firm grasp of his dong with her free one. The unexpected sensation of her expert fingers made him stiffen, despite his reluctance.

“Regina…” he gasped as she began her handiwork on him, leaning forward as he grew, so his erection was mere inches away from her parted lips.

“You think I’m pretty…” she breathed, in a slightly sing-song tone. “Without any makeup on…”

What the hell? The DILF was bewildered.

“Um…yes?”

“You think I’m funny when I tell the punchline wrong…” Regina was full-blown belting it out now, using the baffled pianist’s erection as a microphone in her hand.

Sweet Jesus, don’t tell me she’s actually going to…

Regina closed her eyes and continued caterwauling the famous Katie Perry song, full-throttle.

“You make me feel like I’m livin’ a teenage dream…”

Fuck-a-Doodle-Doo! Is she seriously down there, singing “Teenage Dream” while using my manhood as a microphone!? The card shark didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Teenage or not, this dream was rapidly turning into a nightmare – one he couldn’t seem to wake up from, no matter how hard he tried!

All of a sudden, he heard a soft tinkly sound beneath him. Peering down, he saw a very grumpy-looking, fluffy Persian cat with small bells around its rhinestone collar, just sitting there next to the kneeling and still caterwauling Regina.

Silently. Staring. Silently judging.

Phoenix felt himself starting to wilt despite the sensation of Regina’s lips now replacing her hand’s nimble ministrations on him. Hadn’t he just said he didn’t like audiences? Of either the two or four-legged kind?!

The creature hadn’t even blinked!

With my luck, it’ll probably mistake my cojones for a cat toy of some sort and bat at it with its claws… The mental image made him sweat profusely and further droop. Shitting dick nipples! I can’t let that happen!

Sure enough, the cat began inching closer. It raised one long-nailed paw…

“Jumping Bald Headed JESUS!”

Abruptly, he shifted away from feline battery reach, yanked Regina to her feet, and flipped her onto her back onto the bed, so that his back – and family jewels! – were now turned away from the ever-watchful eyes of clawing Peeping Tom-Cat.

“I’m going to explode soon if you keep that up!” He lied frantically, pulling down her dress. “If I’m going to finish, I’d rather it be with you. Do you, ah, have something to use?”

“Sure thing.” She effortlessly lifted her legs over her head in an impressive reverse somersault of sorts, but in doing so, somehow managed to give poor Phoenix a sharp foot to the head!

“Ouch!” He grabbed at his stinging cranium, slightly throbbing from the blow, but nowhere near as bad as it could have been – luckily she’d been only barefoot!

Flexible contortionist – yes. But graceful? Not so much. Be that as it may, a heel to the skull still beats a claw to the family jewels!

“Something wrong?”  Ever clueless to the reality of what she’d done – some things truly never changed! – the circus heiress merrily rummaged in the end table drawer next to the arm of the couch and waved a foil packet at him triumphantly.

“Um, Regina, one more thing?” Phoenix asked awkwardly, still rubbing his sore head.

“Yes, Beanie Feenie?” She smiled sweetly.

“Er, number one, please stop calling me that! I have some um, really not great memories associated with that nickname. And number two, could you maybe ditch that kitty of yours? It’s really weird how he just sits there and um…watches us?”

“Oh, that’s Princess Fluffykins!” Regina squealed. “She sleeps with me every night, probably just wondering who this strange man is on her bed! Is she bothering your Feenie Weenie?”

Gah! My issue was with the Feenie, not the Beanie you slower than a snail on a treadmill, airheaded bimbo! Yeesh, what is with this girl and her penile shriveling nicknames and antics!? No man in the world wants to hear the name Weenie in conjunction with his junk! None! Zippo. Zilch!

“Um, yes?” He cleared his throat. “Too many eyes … too much pressure to perform, you know? Not all of us are used to um, being under the spotlight, heh heh.”

“Just one moment then.” The now nude blonde walked over, and picked up the still-staring Princess Fluffykins, who now looked like she was scowling at Phoenix as her mistress carried her away, and who, upon closer inspection, appeared to be about the size of a bulldozer rather than a normal housecat!

His date came back a moment later, having just put said bulldozer into the bathroom and shutting the door, ignoring the cat’s howling mewls of protests.

“Kitty sounds mad,” Phoenix observed as Regina sidled back up next to him and began kissing his neck.

“It’s close to her dinnertime, she’s going to be hungry soon,” the blonde breathed, licking his throat.

“Well, it’s not like she couldn’t afford to miss a meal or two,” he joked. “I mean, what the heck are you feeding that thing for it to be so dang fat?!”

“Princess Fluffykins is not fat!” Regina pouted. “She’s just – fluffy!”

Keep telling yourself that, sweetie. Don’t stop believing…hey look, now she’s got me singing internally too! At least Journey is classic rock, as opposed to that noise pollution she was singing against my poor, unsuspecting man parts… Son of a motherless goat! Why am I thinking of music at a time like this?!  

“Sorry, Regina, you’re right – she’s just fluffy,” he sighed as she nipped his ear. “Nice, pretty kitty.”

She plastered herself against him and kissed her way across his strong jawline and down his neck, pausing to nibble the strong, steady pulse that thrummed there.

He closed his eyes as she ran her tongue across his collarbone, down to a pebbled nipple. When she sucked the tender flesh into her mouth, then alternated between his nipples, licking and sucking them, he groaned blissfully.

The air crackled with electricity between them as she slid down a bit further and swirled her tongue against his muscular belly. As he leaned back to allow her full access, his splayed, muscled form, looked like a feast for the eyes. She wanted to sink her teeth into every delectable inch of him.

Her breath caught in her throat as she eyed his impressive, enlarged shaft.

“Whatever you want, take it,” he murmured as she unwrapped the packet and took care of matters for him. Then, straddling his hips, she guided him to her.

He pushed inside her in one long stroke, raising his pelvis so he was deeply embedded within her wet sheath. She felt his breath coming faster, her gasps mingling with his as she braced her hands against the hard wall of his chest and he held her hips to steady her. They built a rhythm together as she met him, thrust for thrust. Their movements combined and set a pace that kept them both at the edge of their own climax, unexpectedly building to one crescendo after another.

The hobo was finally enjoying himself and getting into the swing of things when Regina suddenly decided to prove that you could take the performer out of the Big Top but … oh what the hell did it matter?! What ultimately mattered was that just as he was about to have his eyes roll back in his head, she decided to slide around from being on the top to being on the bottom, in some gymnast sort of move.  But mid-slide, she thought she’d add a bit of what she thought would be a sexy high kick.

At the same time, Phoenix was very close to the finish line.

And as it turned out, the bubbleheaded Regina Berry had left some air in the condom, and due to the pressure, just as he exploded, it exploded inside of her!

“Oooh!”

“Aaah!”

“Eeeh!”

“I’m coming!”

“Oh, God!”

BANG!!!!

“Sweet enchanting pudding!” Regina screamed in genuine horror just as she was in mid-leg movement.

And his luck being what it was, Phoenix lifted his head just as she was kicking.

“Hrrnh!” He screamed as her foot hit his nose.

There was blood everywhere.

Phoenix kind of freaked out!

“Feenie Weenie!” Regina gasped in horror as he cupped his hand over his face while blood trickled through his fingers. “I’m so sorry! Did I break your nose?”

“I dode tink sode.” He gingerly rubbed the bridge of his nose and breathed a sigh of relief when he felt no further pain from the movement. “But why did yode screed for?”

“Oh, oops!” She tittered, reaching over for the bedside table and handing him a wad of Kleenex. She blushed beet red. “My stars and garters, this is embarrassing! When I heard that loud popping sound, I panicked – I thought you had blown your weenie into bits!”

Phoenix glared at her incredulously as he held the sopping mass of red tissues against his face with one hand while he reached for his pants with the other.

“Ade yode fuckind kiddide me?!”

Regina nodded miserably.

“Hode in the name of God’s novelty undercrackers and matching toga did yode evid tink dat wad possible?” He demanded, yanking his shirt over his head with great difficulty, as his hand was still holding the wad to his nose. “Are yode really dat ode of touch wit reality?!”

“It’s not like I get that many chances to hook up when I’ve  spent all my life under the big top!” She whimpered, her lips trembling. “You’re mad at me, aren’t you Feenie Weenie?”

“Gee, yode tink?” The pianist shoved his feet into his sandals and stormed to the door. The bleeding seemed to have mostly abated, but he still felt tender in the sinus area. “Hi, Regina. I’m Earth. Have we met?”

“Huh?” She blinked and looked at him with that vapid, blank expression, the comment clearly going right over her bimbette brain. “I don’t understand…”

Phoenix had had it!

This had to go down in his history as The. Worst. New. Years. Eve. EVER.

There was trying to please his darling daughter, and then there was subjecting himself to grievous bodily injury, either via kitty castration or Regina’s acrobatic attempts, if he stayed in this relationship another moment.

And for God’s sake, he’d seen astronauts who were less spaced out than this broad!

“I’m going home,” he told her curtly, already at the door. “Happy New Year, Regina. Goodnight. And Goodbye.”

“But it’s not New Year yet!” She blubbered. “You can’t leave me! I’m so cute! I’m adorable!” Fat tears began rolling down her cheeks. “Feenie Weenie, are you seriously telling me you’d rather spend the last few hours of the night alone than with me?”

If it didn’t hurt to breathe, never mind talk right now, you dumber than snake mittens nitwit, I’d tell you that I’d rather dry hump a cheese grater than spend another waking minute with you!

The door slamming behind him was her reply instead.

As he stalked off, the former defense attorney tried to take deep breaths to calm himself down, telling himself he’d done the right thing. While his heart knew he had, his mind was lambasting him with blows of reality even more severe than the one he’d suffered by Regina’s misplaced foot.

Another one bites the dust.

I’m sorry Truce.

I tried.

I honestly did.  

Phoenix wished he could delude himself; convince himself in all entirety that alone was better, reliable, and less messy. That he wasn’t lonely; that he was liberated, independent, and free.

He could lie to his brain, but his heart knew better. Shutting out the plague of white as he headed home, he drifted into a world of his own, memories dancing with fantasies until the line between them was blurred. He took solace in his imagination, in his recollections of happier times in his life; a transient fortress that only he could enter. The escaping reality was the easy part. There was only so long he could hide before life started breaking down his walls, and he was forced to realize that despite his best efforts, much like a tree without roots, like a leaf blown out to sea, like an unfledged bird that has fallen out of the nest, Phoenix Wright was all alone in this world.

Katy Perry – Teenage Dream