The Borscht Bowl Club – June 29, 2024
“Who are you?” Angel cried, all pretense gone now as she pressed herself back against the door, which he was leaning his hand on now so she couldn’t open it up and escape. His other hand was still clamped on her wrist. “How do you know me?”
Phoenix chuckled humorlessly. “You’ve been devouring me with your eyes and sending fuck-me signals and yet you don’t even know my name, do you, Cough-Up Queen?” His eyes raked her with scorn. “Tell me, would the offer still stand if I wasn’t some random man? Would you still be trying to make me chase you down if you knew who I was?” With that, he yanked off his aqua beanie, releasing his famous black spikes, which sprung free in their familiar fashion, smirking as recognition, at last, dawned on her face. “Well? Do you still want a piece of me, now that you know who I am?”
“Ph – Phoenix?” She stuttered, looking stunned, but less horrified than he’d anticipated she would at being confronted with he of forging attorney fame. “I –I had no idea it was you! You’re completely unrecognizable with that damn hat of yours!”
The hobo glared at her as he yanked it back on.
“How observant of you, Captain Obvious,” he derided. “Did it ever occur to you … that may have bloody well been the point?!”
Angel shrank back slightly. She wasn’t used to men being angry with her. It unnerved her, even in her tipsy state. Her lips trembled, this time for real.
“S – sorry, Ph – Phoenix,” she spluttered, attempting to smile then. “I’ll bet you were wondering what a place like me was doing in a girl like this, right?”
He laughed harshly at her unintentional word mix-up. “Nope. Couldn’t care less.”
“B- but why didn’t you just say that you knew who I was?” Angel struggled to understand.
“Because I wasn’t in the mood to tell you that I didn’t feel like being added to your vast collection of boyfriends!” He exploded at last.
“Oh please!” She snapped. “Don’t flatter yourself! I wasn’t going to keep you! I just thought I’d rent you for a couple of hours!”
“I am not a male prostitute, Angel!” He glared at her disgustedly. “I may be disbarred, but I still have some dignity I’ll have you know! I haven’t sunken that low!”
Well, not yet, anyway…Jeez, I wonder how much I’d even charge. Is it a flat rate? Hourly? Fee per service redeemed? Gah! My God, why am I even having this conversation with myself?!
“I didn’t mean it like that!” Angel shrank back from the withering look. “I meant, er, you know…sort of like a movie rental…” she tried to speak lightly. “You know…make it a Cockbuster, as opposed to a Blockbuster night?”
“Video stores are over and done with,” the poker champ informed her loftily, shoving past her and heading out the door. “And so is this conversation.”
Cockbuster night indeed! Good grief, I can’t believe I’m being hit on by someone who’s an even bigger slut than I am! But that’s exactly what I’ve been, a slut, not a man whore! Last time I checked, sex was supposed to be free – also it’s the only recreation we poor people can afford! How can she make me feel so cheap already… when I haven’t even slept with her yet?! Wait, yet?! How am I still even considering the notion?! What the hell is wrong with me?!
“Phoenix, please, talk to me,” Angel insisted, jogging to keep up with him.
“About what?!” He stopped and looked at her incredulously. “What in Christ’s name is there left for us to converse about?”
The art of conversation is hardly your strong suit anymore, if it ever was, lady! This entire time I’ve been wishing Olga had poured you a nice glass of Shut the Fuck Up!
“Well, um…” her mind raced for topics. “Since when… do you play the piano?”
“Since I lost my badge five years ago,” he replied flatly as he stomped ahead, not caring if she followed or not. She ran after him, needing to take four steps for every two of his lengthy strides.
“Phoenix, wait!”
He halted after a few blocks and stared at her, surprised she hadn’t taken the opportunity to buzz off. What on earth could she possibly want with him now?
“Stop it with the games, Angel,” he said grumpily. “Don’t pretend you hadn’t heard about my disbarring. It was all over the TV and newspapers.”
“I did…” she answered hesitantly. “But I still don’t see why that has to change anything with us…?”
Phoenix blinked. What was with this dame? Wasn’t she going to look at him in disgust and disappear, afraid he would taint her existence by associating with him like all his other alleged friends and acquaintances had?
“Regardless of who you are, or what you do or don’t do, you’re still the hot piano player from the bar, are you not?”
He blushed and scratched the back of his neck. “Um, yeah, that would be me…”
“I was surprised how well you played, Phoenix, considering you were a lawyer by trade, not a musician. If anything, your playing seemed to improve the more bottles of grape juice you consumed.”
“That was wine, not juice,” he admitted, blushing an even deeper shade of red. “I tend to play best when I’m kinda drunk for some reason.”
“Is that so?” Angel tilted her head to the side and flashed him a puzzled smile. “I saw you put quite a few of those away tonight! Are you really that drunk?”
“It depends,” he shot her an impish grin, unaware of how attractive it made him. “Are you drunk if you um, actually know you’re drunk?”
Angel laughed then. It was a nice laugh, Phoenix realized.
“Can we start over?” She asked sweetly.
He looked at her blankly, and she flashed a dazzling smile.
“Hiya, handsome. Long time no see! I’m Angel Starr. In another lifetime, I was a detective, who then was fired and became a lunch peddler, and even named The Wright Way Lunch after you! Now I’m a private dick, er, private investigator. And you’re a pianist, I gather?”
The DILF’s newfound swagger fled faster than a gambler from a bookie. He swallowed.
“Um, yeah. That’s he. I mean me. Er, as you know, I’m Phoenix Wright, a former attorney turned piano player.”
The blonde beauty smiled, eyebrows raised and extended a manicured hand, which he awkwardly shook, then dropped like a hot potato.
“So, Phoenix, shall we get out of here?” Angel drawled, her voice laced with meaning.
He shoved his hands into his pockets, suddenly unsure of where to put them. Shyness wasn’t usually his gig. What in the blazes was going on here?
“Um, yeah. Where do you wanna go? I know some good places…”
“How about yours?” She purred, reaching up and lightly running a long fingernail down his cheek.
He shook his head. “My 13-year-old daughter has some of her girlfriends over tonight for an end-of-school-year slumber party this weekend. We’d have an audience.”
“Guess that leaves us with my place,” she crooned huskily, leaning forward and pressing a teasing kiss on his lips. “I’m just a few blocks down, past that French restaurant. We can walk there. Are you in?”
He stood there as her penetrating eyes seemed to gaze into his soul; her one of liquid amber scrutinizing things inside of which he could only dream of seeing in himself. She was a mystery. A dangerously, beautiful mystery, and he was ensnared in the trap which she’d set.
“Yeah,” he heard himself saying, as though in a daze. “Yeah, I’m in.”
They walked the next little while in companionable silence, and he found himself relaxing somewhat as he studied Angel’s pretty profile.
Maybe she’s not so bad when she’s not talking, because whenever she is, it makes me seriously want to make her shut the holy hell up, such as when she’s saying shit that makes me feel like she wants a gigolo for hire, like when she’s speaking all too cavalierly about wanting to rent me for the night…
They passed a large bulletin board then, and Angel immediately began tittering when she saw the movie being promoted.
“Jeez, is that asinine shit still around?” She gave an unladylike snort. “They’re still making Steel Samurai movies? And in this one, he’s doing a crossover with the Pink Princess and they have a – what the hell? A bronze baby? Bloody hell, Phoenix, have you ever heard of anything so utterly ridiculous?!”
“Not at all.” Phoenix swallowed the sudden lump in his throat. “That’s pretty…ridiculous…alright…” he couldn’t finish the sentence. Luckily, Angel was too busy drunkenly prattling on to notice.
“I mean, it was one thing when it was a kid’s TV show!” She crowed, slapping her knee. “But come on, it’s been like, what ten years now? Stop the stupidity already! Do you know that some overly juvenile, emotionally-stunted, lame-ass alleged adults actually watch this stuff?!”
“Objection!” The ex-attorney snapped, freezing in his tracks then and pointing his famous courtroom finger at the startled woman. “Watching the Steel Samurai doesn’t make you lame, Angel! Some people have just enjoyed watching it as kids…”
…Like a certain overseas prosecutor friend of mine, who shall remain nameless because I seem to remember Angel had quite the hate-on for them…
“…And some…” he faltered, almost unable to get the words out. “Some people are just… young at heart…but that shouldn’t make them subject to your judgement and ridicule!”
Angel stared at him for a moment blankly, and the card shark wondered if he’d gotten through to her, but then she started howling again, wiping her streaming eyes as tears of laughter streamed from them.
“Silly me, I didn’t realize who I was talking to!” She wheezed. “I get it now! I know why you’re so passionately defending this stuff!”
“Oh…” His mouth went dry. “Er, you do?”
“Yeah, didn’t you defend Will Powers for murder? He’s a friend of yours, right? That case was all over the media!” Angel wrapped an arm around his rigid shoulders. “I’m not saying the actor is pathetic for doing the show, silly! He needs to make a living, after all, and beggars can’t be choosers!”
Phoenix gaped at the woman next to him, wondering how she’d somehow succeeded in offending him, and several people he’d once known and greatly cared for, all in one breath – and then, in her attempts to atone for her aggravating commentary, only managed to make things worse!
Hell, to be fair, he knew she was slightly drunk…
Angel began playing the taiko drumbeat set to the tune of the Steel Samurai theme music by noisily clanging on a nearby metal garbage can, all the while singing along to the beat.
“DAKA DON-DON-DON, DON-DON-DON-DON!”
Jesus Christ, is she always this insufferable and obnoxious though?
Hell, he was drunk too, after all!
“And besides, the man has a face that belongs on the radio! It’s not like he can be picky about the roles he chooses!”
Unfortunately, I’m not drunk enough to not realize that she’s lucky she’s hot because I can barely stand her ass! All I want now is for her to just Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Right this very instant!
The darkness rolled up in his mind. He could have her right then and there. Turn her around, bend her over the low wall, and bang her fast and hard until her screams floated to Olympic Avenue. He could urge her to her knees, twist all that shiny blonde hair around his fist, and find out if she still stared at him, open and brave, while he pushed himself between her lips and jerked off in her mouth…
He gave his head a shake to stop himself from going down the dark spiral and abruptly yanked her into his arms. He kissed her harshly, crushing his lips savagely against hers, even as her fingers found the drawstring of his pants at his waist. But she pulled her head back.
“Easy there, rough rider,” she whispered throatily into his ear. “Where’s the fire, except in these burning loins of mine, which are warm only for you? Why rush a good – and a sure – thing? We’ve got all night, haven’t we?”
She was right. Annoying as hell, but she had him there.
Kisses. He concentrated on kissing her, licking her, learning the taste of her lips and what made her moan. He’d do this right. Slow and hot and respectful, with no stumbling.
Yes, he still wanted to take her on a trip to Camp Wannabangya. But he didn’t think he could withstand walking and talking with her for another minute!
“Angel, you’re too damn sexy,” he improvised quickly, grabbing her hand and dragging her across the street to the playground he’d just spotted. It contained a slide, a sandpit, several climbing frames, and a see-saw, all in the shape of various pieces of fruit. “I can’t wait another minute to have you! We can go behind the slide!”
They ducked behind the apple-shaped dome that housed the slide.
“Ooh, a late-night romp at Vitamin Square, you fiendish freak,” Angel giggled and ran her hands up to his neck, pulling his head down towards hers. But instead of kissing him, her face took on a somber expression.
“Has it been really hard for you, losing your badge like that, Phoenix?” She asked him earnestly. “Do you ever miss the courtroom? Being a defense attorney?”
Seriously?! Is this her idea of foreplay?! Jeez Louise, what is with this broad? Why can’t she just stop talking?! I have never more – in my entire life! – wished that to be either deaf or that the other party was mute, more than I have this very moment!
Phoenix moved his thumb to touch the corner of her mouth and trace the full bow of her lower lip, effectively silencing her. “I don’t miss it right now.”
“Good.” She stretched up on her toes, but even that only brought her mouth in line with his throat, and her lips brushed his collarbone. Heat threatened to consume him. His blood boiled and he felt himself harden. As irritatingly irksome as she was, Angel Starr had a sweet set of lips.
Tonight, he wanted to be soft, slow. He wanted to kiss her knees weak and know what it felt like to have her tremble between him and the ground. Carefully, he cupped the back of her head.
“Look at me.”
She met his eyes boldly, without shying away, and it hit him almost as hard as her touch. He wasn’t used to women looking at him this way. Throughout all his trysts with women, he’d tried to keep things hot, but impersonal, with them never really looking at each other. Not like this, open and without shame, daring the other person to see into them, through them.
Phoenix didn’t want anyone seeing through him, so he was the one who broke, sweeping down to catch her mouth with his own.
She made an encouraging noise in the back of her throat as her lips parted and her hands slipped around him to tease just under the waistband of his pants. A heartbeat later, her tongue touched his, entwining, stroking, dancing inside his mouth.
Oh thank God, I finally found a way to shut her up that didn’t involve any kind of uncomfortable or questionable moral deep-throating…
His hands cupped her behind and fastened tight.
“Mmm-hmmm,” he murmured, in what sounded like a combination of invitation and satisfaction, before letting go with one hand, the other sliding down her leg, evidently meaning to get hold of her skirt and bringing it up before moving it up her skirt, hot on the flesh of her thigh, groping swiftly upward.
“Jesus, you’re sexy,” he breathed into the curve of her neck. “So goddamn hot. So beautiful…so…hmmm.” The next words were a mumble against her skin, but she thought he’d said “slippery.” His fingers had reached their goal, and she arched her back in pleasure, her moans muffled against his mouth as he grabbed a handful of her skirt and shoved it out of the way so it was bunched around her waist. Then she felt his hand between her widened legs, traveling up the inside of her thigh until he reached the elastic band of her panties. Undeterred, he slipped his fingers beneath the damp silk and stroked with such expertise and purpose that she felt she was going to go over the edge right then and there.
Then he immediately reached around her and grasped her by the shoulder. A quick heave and she was lying on her back staring up at the distant stars, which were at once blotted out by Phoenix’s head and shoulders as he rolled on top of her in a tremendous rustling of dry grass and loosened clothing.
Determined to make the most of this onetime encounter, she slipped her hands up his shirt, his skin taut and blazing hot beneath the tips of her fingers. Her flattened palms boldly explored the hard, defined contours of his chest, and when her thumbs grazed his erect nipples he released a deep groan of approval that bolstered her confidence and gave her a sense of feminine empowerment.
The musician pushed his joggers and boxers down to his knees – after what had happened with Franziska the last time, there was no way in hell he was getting fully naked or removing any of his clothing! – and then at the last moment, remembered something vital. He wasn’t that drunk…and considering what he knew about Angel Starr, there was no way he was going to charter his ship into… frequently traveled waters without reinforced protection of his …sails…
He buried his face against her neck, the erotic brush of his breath against her skin arousing her all over again. “Shit,” he said in a voice that sounded like pure gravel. “I want you, but I don’t have a condom…do you?”
“Do I have a condom?” She let out a throaty chuckle and wriggled her hand free from under him to reach into her jacket pocket. “Pick one. I got red, I got green, I got yellow… I’m out of purple, but I do have one Gold Circle coin left… the condom of champions, the one and only… nothin’ is gettin’ through this sucker. Whaddya say, hmm?”
The relief in his gaze spoke volumes.
“A buffet of safety,” he deadpanned and kissed her lips again. “You’re awesome.”
Angel grinned. “I’m a safety girl.” His compliment warmed her, spurred her, and she grabbed his firm rear with both hands to urge him on. “Hurry, please.”
“Impatient, too,” he gave an amused chuckle, then groaned when she wrapped her fingers around his thick, impressive erection and gave it a squeeze.
He cursed beneath his breath and pushed her hand away so he could sheath himself.
Then she pulled his head down and began nipping at his lobe, breathing hotly in his ear as his full weight pinned her to the ground, the stars spinning madly far above. Flesh met bare flesh, and then some. She gasped. So did Phoenix.
“Oh, Lord,” he groaned. He paused, frozen for an instant against the sky above her as he probed at her entrance. She sighed in an ecstasy of whisky fumes, waiting for him to take her.
Lie back and enjoy it, she thought. The grass made a tremendous rustling–but there were other rustlings nearby, and the sound of the wind soughing through the trees in the playground was nearly enough to drown them all in sibilance.
Phoenix slid his hands under her hips, lifting her towards him.
“Wrap your legs around me.” He nipped her earlobe with his teeth. “Wrap them around my back and hammer my ass with those heels.”
Moved partly by answering wantonness, and partly by a desire to wrap herself around and squeeze the breath out of him like a python, she instinctively flung her legs apart and swung them high, scissoring them tight across his heaving back. Locking her ankles around his waist, she gasped in shock as he plunged, filling her to the hilt. He was so large that the first thrust was almost painful, but as soon as he began to move, she softened around him and unadulterated pleasure began to vibrate through her in overwhelming waves. They were both getting into the moment and indeed, beginning to enjoy it immensely.
She didn’t think it was possible for her to get off during actual penetration, but this man and the skillful way he stroked deep inside her, was proving her wrong. The slick length of him sliding in and out of her, the granite hardness of his body straining toward hers, the demanding passion of his kisses; they were all were designed to send her right over the edge.
Sex with him was raw and primitive, unleashing an equally untamed side of her she never knew she possessed. She welcomed every frenzied lunge, every rough, driving thrust that pushed her higher. Fast and furious had never felt so good. Feeling as though she was spiraling out of control, she clutched at his shoulders, digging her fingers into the muscles of his back as an irrepressible tension spiraled tighter and tighter inside her. Like a dream-fueled fantasy, her mind fogged with lust and need, and she gave herself up to what her body was chasing.
He was as hot as a blowtorch, blasting, forceful as he thrust into her, and alternately bit her lips and kissed her deeply. He gave an ecstatic groan and redoubled his efforts. Wantonness was winning; he had nearly forgotten where they were. He was just at the edge of glory when suddenly, out of nowhere, Angel released a very loud, wet, sneeze, while simultaneously, she expelled…an even louder queef.
At least, Phoenix hoped it was a queef! All he knew was that it sounded as though a million ducks had landed in the area and the unexpected blaring noise emitted seemed to resonate an echo throughout the entire park. Before he could recover though, somehow, at this exact, precise moment, Angel started pulsating and clamping around him, high-pitched screams echoing into the night for all of Los Angeles to hear.
“Fuck yeah, Steel Samurai! Stab that sword into your Pink Princess!”
“Sweet pulsating spider Christ!”
The shocking mingling sensations made him jerk backward, bare-assed, with his pants around his ankles, and catapult out of her with the speed of Rocky the flying squirrel from the Bullwinkle cartoon being shot from a canon, while the harrowing exclamation made the flustered Phoenix lose his grip on the condom. It whizzed through the air into the night, and he was so busy watching it become airborne that he forgot to keep a grip on himself, sending an uncontrollable stream of his essence sailing like a free fountain…
…Right towards the face of Angel Starr.
“What the shit?” She screeched, clapping a hand over the left side of her face. “Phoenix Wright, you absolute fuckpuddle! You just jizzed into my eye!”
Just then, Phoenix heard footsteps and panicked, thinking it was another clothes-stealing four-legged bandit. He rolled on the ground, struggling to pull his pants back up when he heard a very familiar voice yell, through a megaphone:
“Down on the hands! Floor on your head! Now now now!”
Jumping Bald Headed JESUS! It’s the freaking cops!
Angel was laying on her back, one eye tightly shut, naked from the waist down, dress still bunched around her waist, and Phoenix was face down on the grass, bare butt up to the sky as the megaphoned voice came closer.
Then the officer was right upon them.
“S-Sorry! E-Excuse me, but I think I have to interrupt the party!”
That stupid, agitating, grating voice. The anterior defense lawyer knew it all too well…
“Meekins?” He lifted his head and gawked at the uniformed officer in disbelief. “Didn’t they fire your ass and demote you to bailiff five years ago?!”
Mike Meekins continued blaring into his megaphone even though he was standing right at Phoenix’s head.
“Sir! I’m back on the force! I’ve had to resume the starter rank of a nighttime patrolman with parks and rec through General Affairs, sir! SIR!”
“Ow!” He winced. “I can hear you fine, Officer Meekins.”
“Former Detective Starr,” Meekins bellowed into his megaphone as he spotted the one-eyed Angel trying to pull down her dress and retrieve her modesty. “Is that you?”
“Yes, Meekins, it’s me.” She grumbled. “Stop yelling into that blasted thing – you’ll make us go deaf!”
Now, where was this guy ten minutes ago when I was praying for just that? The hobo wondered.
“I am a Police Officer and I should be running you both in for public indecency!” Meekins cried, dropping his megaphone. “That children’s size playhouse didn’t hide anything when you’re grownup sized! I firsthand witnessed you two committing the act of lewd fornication in a public area! Moreover, I could see your bare buttocks glowing in the dark, Sir! Also, we had several people reporting loud, disrupting noises coming from this area!”
“Good grief…” Phoenix pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers.
Why must I always wind up with the loud chicks who insist on shrieking like banshees?
Meekins was full of the dignity of his office.
“And don’t think you can flirt your way out of this by winking at me like that either, Ms. Starr!”
“Shut your dick holster, Meekins, you goddammed waste of space! I can’t believe they let your dumb ass back in the precinct!” Angel glowered at him with her one good eye. “I got a wad of goo shot into my eye and probably need medical attention! I assure you, I am not winking at you!”
“Oh…sorry…” Meekins was shamefaced. “Well, er…considering you used to be on the force…and all…” He blushed as he realized her skirt was still hiked up and averted his gaze to instead look at the beanie man.
“I will overlook this citizen’s complaint this one time, and when confronted, I will pretend to not know anything about anything, sir!”
Phoenix heaved a soundless sigh.
I mustn’t respond to that. It would be like shooting fish in a barrel…
“Also ah, considering I also can’t find my ticket book…or my pen at this exact moment…” Meekins frantically ran his hands over his uniform pockets and looked downcast with embarrassment. “I, er, won’t give either of you a public indecency ticket and just let you off with a warning – this one time only! – and just tell you to be more careful and discreet in the future.”
“That’s mighty benevolent of you, Officer Meekins,” Phoenix replied, with a miraculously straight face as he straightened up and ensured his clothing was securely back on. “Might I suggest you run Miss Starr to the ER so they can, um…tend to that eye…”
“I’m going to look like a Pirate, cuz I’ll probably need an eye-patch,” Angel slurred, now supporting herself on Meekins’ arm as the officer escorted her to his squad car. “Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! That’s gonna be fun for me to explain! Yarr!”
Before Phoenix could apologize for the misfire, the ex-Cough-Up Queen went on a fresh tangent.
“And hey, I’m a P.I! But thanks to you buster, instead of private eyes, now I’m just a private eye, get it?” She started cackling maniacally at her own wit. “So Meekins, admit it – you enjoyed the show admit it! You liked what you saw, didn’t you? That’s really why you’re really letting us off the hook, right? Hee hee!”
Feeling almost guilty about leaving poor Meekins with the drunken harpy turned hyena – almost, but not enough to gallantly offer to take his place! – Phoenix took that perfect opportunity to make his hasty exit.
He ran, not walked the rest of the way home.
As far as the disbarred legist was concerned, if he never saw Angel Starr again, it would be too soon.
I swear on all that is holy… He vowed grimly. I am never having sex in public again! EVER!
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