28 The Amazingly Unfortunate Burgundy Samurai & The Misadventures of DILF Man

Wright Anything Agency – July 10, 2026

Eons seemed to pass as the Wright Anything Agency guest remained frozen on the spot, sporting an unyielding, faraway gaze that was downright unnerving. Even more unsettling, though, was the fact that he hadn’t uttered a single peep … for the past five minutes.

It was all starting to give the card shark a major case of the willies!

“Um … Edgeworth?” The accused Rico Suave waved an anxious hand before the phizog of his clearly staggered best friend. “Are you still with me?”

The chess enthusiast neither blinked nor responded, instead persisting with the same steadfast, taciturn trance he’d been in since learning about the disbarred attorney’s sordid tryst with Dee Vasquez on her condo glass balcony – which was apparently visible and across the road from his own residence!

“Yoo-hoo!” Phoenix shook his companion’s shoulder slightly, to no avail. “Earth to Miles Edgeworth!”

Still no answer.

Brow furrowed in consternation, he took the mute prosecutor’s arm and nudged him back towards the sofa, where his own unconscious frame had been sprawled only moments before. The magenta-clad man plunked down heavily onto the cushions and was now staring at the shameless rake looming over him, although his vacant, sightless pupils remained as static as some billboard poster.

Phoenix was now officially getting creeped out.

“Snap out of it, Edgeworth! Those glassy eyes of yours are giving me the heebie-jeebies! Can’t you at least blink, so I know you’re part of this atmosphere?! This weird, spacey thing is getting downright eerie!”

“How?” The logic genius blurted out, finally snapping out of his stupor and affixing his companion with an agog expression. “I need to you to tell me, Wright… how? Just… how?”

“How what?” Phoenix’s relief that his chum had once again resumed control of his vocal cords was now outweighed by his genuine confusion at the question. “I have no clue what is it you’re supposedly asking me…”

“How…” Edgeworth rasped in a strangled tone. “How in God’s name, did you, of all people …”

He trailed off as he struggled to articulate himself, leaving the poor former wino at a complete loss as to what exactly was being inquired!

“How did I what? Copulate?” The spiky-haired man jammed his fists into his hoodie pockets and flushed slightly. “Wow, this is super awkward! Do you really want me to get into the … mechanical techniques of it all?”

“Wright, you ignorant slut!” Edgeworth snapped peevishly. “Don’t even think of tainting my ears with lurid tutorials surrounding your infinite list of starry-eyed waifs, all who were led to succumb to your pelvic sorcery!”

“S – Sorry! I’m actually glad you weren’t probing for gory details!” Phoenix insisted. “Frankly, I’ve never really been comfortable with that sorta locker-room level of Kiss N’ Tell!”

“Nngh! How in blazes did you ever think I’d entreaty to be privy to the incontinent details of you being insatiably hornier than a three-peckered Billy goat?!”

“Whoops! My bad, heh, heh.”

“Rest assured, Wright, I did not jet all the way from Asia on a redeye flight in order to have you ply my ears, ad nauseam, about how you’ve been the conductor of your own endless sex train and have ridden through the … tunnels of every woman we’ve ever known! I absolutely don’t give a toss about the debauched on-goings aboard the Phoenix Free Love Express!”

“OK, OK!” The beanie-wearing man threw his hands up in surrender. “Yeesh, how was I supposed to know what you meant, what with all your hemming and hawing?!”

“Pardon my struggle for a milder euphemism. One that wouldn’t trigger another disturbing image, much like your exhibitionist tryst across the street from my residence already did!”

The ex-attorney was exposed to yet another lethal glare.

“What I meant to ask was how, in all these years of hedonistic, seriously aggressive hand holding, has your incorrigible manhood remained attached to your body, despite its gross over-usage amongst the female masses!”

“Objection! I resent your implication that these were all random cookie boxes!” Phoenix protested feebly. “Alright, fine… admittedly, I must confess that the majority of these were during my blurred out, wine-enthusiast days …”

He flashed an embarrassed grin as Edgeworth clucked his tongue disapprovingly at this latest trivia.

“But I digress! A few of them were actually attempted relationships! Also, I kept it wrapped… Mostly. At least for the more… casual encounters. Definitely for Angel Starr. I mean, you and I both know that strumpet’s the equivalent of the village bicycle… Everybody’s taken a ride!”

Uncontested reticence met this irrefutable allegation, compelling him to press on.

“And I certainly was a safety boy with Regina …”

“Regina Berry?!” The barrister’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head at this point, prompting the pianist’s tone to take a slightly defensive edge.

“Hey! Stop ogling me like that! She’s legal now! That notwithstanding, mentally, she’s still every bit the jejune, naïve teenager we once knew, as exemplified when the rubber accidentally popped. The girl genuinely feared she’d somehow blown my johnson to smithereens!”

Hardly a far-fetched notion! Personally, I’m astonished said organ hasn’t spontaneously combusted itself at this point! Edgeworth tapped an irate forefinger against his bicep. At this rate, I’ll assume Wright’s copiously run his hackneyed member through a dishwasher, and that’s the sole reason it hasn’t fallen off – yet!

“Then, to top it all off, that bubblehead nearly broke my nose with her heel during an attempt at some ridiculous acrobatic stunt!” Phoenix winced at the recollection. “Somehow, my affected injury was nonetheless not as traumatic as her using my unit as a microphone while caterwauling Katy Perry, whilst her bulldozer of a cat endeavored to use my jewels as a scratching post!”

He shot his friend a wry glance when he saw the steel orbs had morphed into saucers.

“You might wanna close your mouth, Edgeworth – you’re going to start trapping flies! I promise you cannot make this stuff up!”

The reformed man-whore dragged a hand down his face as he continued reminiscing, while the flustered lawyer hurriedly picked his jaw up from the floor.

“The craziest thing is, even with these three epic calamities with the circus star – yes, all this occurred within our first and only time together! – Regina Berry wasn’t the most the most harrowing bangtastic incident! Not by a long shot!”

The blasted man has had worse experiences which surpass frisky felines and bloody, bludgeoned body parts? Edgeworth began massaging his now throbbing temples. Dear Lord, I don’t want to know. I. Don’t. Want. To. Know….

“Thankfully, the nasal injury didn’t end up with me in the ER again – although I really oughta be earning some sorta frequent flier miles at this point, but more on that later!” Phoenix chuckled ruefully. “Miraculously, I also didn’t end up needing emergency services when my date’s ginormous afro briefly got stuck in the headboard bars! However, even though we managed to dodge paramedic level catastrophe, 911 still had to be called that day, which meant ol’ Dick Gumshoe got a sight to remember…”

“Ngh! Gumshoe was present while you and that irksome, rambunctious reporter were both in Full Monty mode?!”

“Um, no… the Mouth of the South had gotten dressed again by then.” The former Ace Attorney gave the gobsmacked legist a sickly grin. “So it was just me in my birthday suit the big lug saw…”

“Wright, you unscrupulous roué!” Edgeworth shot an accusing pointer finger in his friend’s direction. “What the devil is wrong with you?! He’s a married man!”

The snickering Phoenix held up a quelling hand, knowing his comrade’s overactive imagination was probably picturing a ménage a trois or worse … that their detective friend had been there in a voyeuristic/cameraman capacity!

“Relax, Edgeworth. Before you jump to conclusions or have a conniption, the only kinky activity there was my partner’s epic fail in bondage. Gumshoe was present only because he was the sole person with the key to the handcuffs that had me chained to the bedpost!”

“Uurrngh!”

Edgeworth made a slightly strangled sound, as though he were suffocating against his cravat, and clapped a hand over his chest.

This is bad for my heart!

Undaunted, Phoenix continued rambling.

“That still wasn’t the worst part though, as it wouldn’t be the first time our old pal was subjected witnessing my post-coital disgrace! Gumshoe was also there once when my lover ended up in the ER – mere hours after I was already there as a patient myself!”

Phoenix groaned as he sank down onto the couch beside the stricken lawyer.

“I’m telling you, our local precinct really needs to hire some other cops, although the fact that they keep showing up whenever I’ve been undercover so to speak, is another tragedy unto itself! I’ve been saved from a Gumshoe three-peat since that bumbler, Meekins was the one bust me and Angel!”

“Indecent exposure charges?” Edgeworth’s eyebrows had practically disappeared into his hairline at this point. “Or was it merely a fine for public lewd acts?”

The prosecutor was half-tempted to mockingly educate the wannabe Lothario with some idiot-proof basics of mastering Public Sex 101, all which he’d unwittingly learned from his own personally acquainted Don Juan DeMarco, Señor Yamilka Delos Milagros Stainz, his loud-mouthed, lascivious mate in prep school.

· Rule Number 1: Explore the prospective area first, and never risk dropping trousers in any secluded wood with less than surrounding five trees.

· Rule Number 2: Lights are thine enemy. Cloak yourself within the invisible veils of darkness, which are thy best friend, by covertly veering far from any sort of lampposts, and don’t hesitate to resort to throwing a stone at the bulbs to break them for the sake of privacy.

· Rule Number 3: There is no need to get fully naked in case you need to make a run from the cops! Simply confirm your “dama de la noche” wears a skirt for more discreet – and easier! – Access.

· Rule Number 4: Life’s actually much easier if neither party is wearing underwear in these cases- see Rule 4.

· Rule Number 5: Ensure your pants zipper works well, else run the risk of “pinching” or having a repeat of Ben Stiller’s fate in “There’s Something About Mary.” Almost as bad is if it breaks, you may still end up inadvertently “displaying” the goods to more than just your “mujer aficionada.” (Button fly is a great alternative)

· Rule Number 6: If all else fails and you do get busted in the act of push, push in the bush, the only thing left to do is completely own it. Be the Alpha dog and stare the intruder/attempted cock blocker down until they get uncomfortable enough to leave of their own accord. If you are so bold, ask them to join! At worst, they will take off like a bat out of hell. At best… fiesta de tres? (assuming you haven’t completely juiced your mango at this point…)

“Er…luckily neither tickets nor charges were laid. Mostly because he ended up taking Angel to the ER, um… because…reasons.” Phoenix gawkily scratched the back of his neck and averted his gaze.

“I swear, I have the worst luck! People literally get away with murder every day, yet every time I so much as drop my pants, the LAPD shows up!”

“Every time?” Edgeworth echoed faintly, as though he were hard time speaking. “I know I’m going to regret this but… dare I even ask exactly how many partners have partaken in your boudoir misfortunes?!”

“My number of partners?” Phoenix asked blankly, flipping through his faded memory as he ticked off the digits, oblivious to the disbelief on the prosecutor’s mien as he ran out of fingers on the one hand and started counting on the second one. “What, like this year?”

Edgeworth just gaped at him dubiously in response.

“Or did you mean collaborated over the timespan of these past seven years? Because if you average them out over the entire duration, it’s really not that bad!”

“This ingenuous query wouldn’t lay open to such cringe-worthy dissection had you not assumed the alter ego of Slutty McWhoresalot, who’s apparently been using every female in California as his personal penis mitten!”

“At ease, Edgeworth!” Phoenix blushed at the vulgar onslaught. “But um, regarding the particulars of the question … are you counting kneeling at the altar … or should I assume you’re talking strictly dickly? Surely, high-school level necking doesn’t count as relations, right?”

No matter what his answer to the latter is, I am only be sticking to referencing members of the opposite sex,  for there is no way in hell am I fessing up about my ‘ACK! TONGUE, BABY!’ near-tryst with Klavier! That secret shame shall be carried to my grave!

“For the record, it’s not like I slept with every single woman I dated, however briefly it may have been! For instance, I really did try to court Lana…”

“Lana Skye?!”

“Yes! The recently paroled former detective was an actual relationship, albeit a short-lived one!” Phoenix supplied virtuously. “As were Iris, Regina, and…”

“Hmph! Never mind, just spare me the sophomoric tales of all the girls whose poor hearts you managed to deracinate, whirl and bewilder and flutter and fascinate!” Edgeworth didn’t even try to contain his abhorrence anymore. “Seeing as how I bear the misfortune of actually knowing the litany of ladies you hath sullied, I’d appreciate it thusly if I could still look them in the eye, should our paths ever cross again!”

He glowered darkly at the sheepish poker champ.

“Ergo don’t even think about regaling me with your almost but not quite fornication details, such as what Kay informs me is something called the poop hole loophole!”

“That what in the butt?” Now it was Phoenix’s turn to have his trap fall open, but Edgeworth was too riled up to notice.

“Nor do I wish to hear, Mr. Sacrilegious Church Synonyms, about how when Receiving Holy Communion, those femme fatales could do things with their tongues that would make a rattlesnake blush!”

“Gimme a break, Edgeworth! I’m hardly the profligate pervert you’re making me out to be!” Phoenix retorted hotly, beginning to tire now of being judged so scathingly by his presumed closest confidant. “The last time non-traditional holes were used, I ended up barely escaping being sodomized, and this was after being forcibly deep-throated by the strap-on worn by my wingnut, totally depraved ex-girlfriend, who for the sake of your delicate sensibilities, shall remain nameless!”

The traumatic recalling of getting face-fucked by Lana Skye made his voice rise in indignation.

“And the other time my exit-only orifice was utilized, I nearly ended up needing extraction surgery and becoming far too acquainted with Suhkdeep Mann!”

Phoenix grimaced as he recalled his misfortune with Viola Cadaverini, the Thunder from Down Under, who, in spite of her memorable capacity to suck him off like he’d had diamonds buried in the bottom of his ball sack, had then proceeded, as the mother of all dip fuck moves, to incorrectly use a vaginal sex toy as a pacifier for his anus!

God could have spared me a lot of humiliation of becoming ingrained into the memoirs of that overly chatty ER doctor with the memory of an elephant if, when faced with having unwanted objects shoved into my unsuspecting ass, he’d preventatively equipped my rectum with a gag reflex!

“Suck deep, man?!” The cravat-wearing man’s tone was laced with shock and disgust. “Gaaaaaaah! I don’t want to know!”

“It’s the name of the ER doctor who treated me, not a sexual command!” Phoenix groaned. “If you’d just put down that gavel already and hear me out impartially …”

“I’ve heard more than enough!” Edgeworth crossed his arms, still appearing more sanctimonious than sympathetic upon hearing these explicit particulars. “In spite of you mostly sparing me the correlated conquest names to each overly hedonistic detail, all the same, I cannot un-hear all these tales of your… deviancy! Nnngrrrrk! I regret coming here!”

“Boy, I hear you there!” Phoenix let out a humorless laugh, despite himself. “I’ve shared that exact sentiment many times over the years, let me tell you – figuratively and literally!”

“Arngh! Shut up, you overly randy Romeo!” The slate-haired man glowered at him. “I feel obligated to remind your derelict self that while you may get a questionable enthusiastic ovation from what I imagine is subpar piano playing at the Russian bar, The Clap is not the applause you want!”

What the fucksicle?!

At this final debasement, something inside Phoenix snapped just then.

First, I’m a  deviant , quickly graduating to a  derelict  … but then, for the final coup de grâce, I’m hereby dubbed  disease ridden ?! Well, stick a fork in me already, because I’m  done!

Without warning, he shot up out the couch and stared the prosecutor down, his baleful glare so potent that the prosecutor actually drew back against the cushions, as though preparing for a physical blow to be forthcoming, as the affable indigo orbs had now grown very dark.

“You know what, Edgeworth?” The beanie-wearer’s orbs were glittering with rage as he addressed his visitor. “Right about now, off is in the general direction I wish you would fuck!”

“I beg your pardon?” Edgeworth was visibly taken aback at for once being on the receiving end of a daggered gaze. “What did you just say?”

“Did I stutter? I know you heard me! If I’m Slutty McWhoresalot, then you have been nothing more than the priggish, disapproving Duke of Douchebaggery!”

Phoenix’s cadence was unsteady with anger, and he had to shove his hands into his pockets to keep them from doing something regrettable.

“Where the hell do you get off, breezing in here after all these years, then not only assaulting me, but hurling judgmental slurs at me, like you know what you’re talking about? Like you’ve been here this whole time, and are aware of everything I’ve been through since I lost my badge since you disappeared just like everybody else did! It’s not like you’ve been in touch, or have anything to base these allegations on but pure conjecture!”

“I know I haven’t been in touch much. But that has nothing to do with disassociating myself from you because you were disbarred, Wright.”

Edgeworth struggled to keep his voice stable, even though he was beginning to feel stirrings of guilt at the obvious anguish he’d clearly caused with his heated words.

“Franziska and I, we’ve been on an undercover assignment for Interpol, so we have had restricted contact with most of the outside world. The only reason I got wind of the latest gossip surrounding your personal life is that Detective Ema Skye used her police contacts with Detective Gumshoe to get a hold of Kay Faraday. I wasn’t sure how much was hearsay but believe you me, I didn’t want to believe any of this slander was true. I was beyond dismayed to discover the man who used to be a champion of justice, and a hero to so many had been resorted to becoming little more than an alcoholic skirt-chaser!”

“So that’s what you figured my life has been since I lost my badge?” Phoenix demanded, his resentment mounting. “You think I’ve just been enjoying a frat boy’s indulgent existence, consisting of nonstop partying, women and booze?”

“I don’t know what to think anymore, especially after hearing all this,” Edgeworth admitted, choosing his words carefully now. “You haven’t done anything but verify my suspicions by confirming these assertions, so what am I expected to believe, pray tell?”

“Nothing you could possibly understand all the way up from that high horse of yours.”

Phoenix’s tone further toughened as he realized, with a pang, that even though Miles Edgeworth was finally back in his life, he’d still never felt more alone, and he felt more wretched than ever that this was what their long overdue reunion had come to.

After so long without him, I think I’ll just die if he leaves now. I want to tell him I need him, but when I try to say it, my voice falters into unintelligible croaks and I somehow keep making things worse and worse.

“I –I know it’s partially my fault that you and I haven’t been in contact.” He swallowed painfully. “I never replied to your initial emails the first few months after lost my badge, and then I stopped using that account entirely, so I wouldn’t have known if you had sent any more messages. But what could I possibly say to you, other than to let you know that I’m no longer the man you once knew? One I don’t think you could relate to or care about anymore because everyone else who claimed otherwise vanished the minute my badge did. Why would I think you would be any different?”

“If you made up your mind about how I’d feel about you just because you lost your badge, aren’t you just as guilty of prejudging me, in the very same way that I’ve been judging you?” Edgeworth pointed out rationally. “I know there’s a lot of catching up to do, and I truly do want to know what’s being going on with you to make you behave so out of character, ever since this hardship has befallen you.”

Searching and cajoling granite orbs now peered into the dull navy ones.

“You used to be Superman, Wright. Now you’re someone whom I barely recognize, someone who’s fallen weak to unhealthy vices and habits that are ultimately detrimental in this newfound role of world’s most reluctant womanizer! You used to be the symbol of undying faith and hope. What’s happened to you?”

“You really want to hear what I’ve been through since you’ve been gone?” Phoenix asked flatly with a hollow chuckle. “Fine then, as you wish. Get comfortable on that couch, Edgeworth, and brace yourself. It’s a long story and not a particularly pretty one…”