91 A Bullet Fired

 

You tried to change, didn’t you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him traveling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do, love
split his head open?
you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.

~ Warsan Shire ~

Franziska Von Karma
Von Karma Estate, Germany
April 28, 2025, 5:15 AM

Franziska jolted awake, heart thudding in her ears, drenched in a cold sweat. Her breathing was rapid and shallow as she sat there in her little section of the king-sized ocean of sheets that she and Miles had resumed sharing for the past two months, while she stared into the darkness and tried to calm down.

She’d mostly gotten over her previous grudge regarding the Lana situation after the loss of Carol. In the grand scheme of things, it was such a trifling matter in the end – or so she’d needed to convince herself – and had let Miles back into their bed. Ever since the fateful day when she’d finally allowed him to comfort her and wept in his arms at their daughter’s graveside, she’d found a bit of solace in his embrace and sought the reassurance of his presence, even though things still weren’t quite the same between them.

In the past two and a half months since the tragedy, her fiancé had remained dutifully and unwaveringly by her side, undaunted by her incapability of saying much to him, and the fact that her eyes, whenever they met his concerned, saddened ones, were essentially lifeless and empty.

Nevertheless, even though she sensed his uncertainty in what the right thing was to say or do, Franziska still found Miles’ company next to her on the bed each night was a much-needed comfort. Especially because nearly every night since, she suffered from plaguing, tormenting, horrific dreams which would result in her waking up, panicked and screaming, and trembling like a leaf as Miles would jolt awake and envelope her in his warm clasp.

“Shhh … meine Dame, it’s alright,” he’d always whisper, stroking her hair. “It’s OK, I’m here. You’re safe now. It was just a nightmare.”

Asleep or awake, it didn’t matter. All of Franziska’s thoughts were stuck on one image, the one of the lifeless little form of her daughter that the Doctor had handed her, after two grueling hours of labor. That tiny life, the one that she and Miles had created, was no longer any kind of life at all; it was just an empty shell that she would never know.

Riddle me this: how can I call it a nightmare, if it does not leave my presence when I awake?  She yearned to shout back in response.

Be that as it may, she couldn’t make herself utter these words aloud. After all, as Katharina had reminded her repeatedly, she couldn’t be so selfish in her grief. It had been Miles’ loss too. Moreover, he was holding on, silent and strong as always, trying to be the pillar of strength for both of them.

And so, she would nod mutely and allow the sound of his steady heartbeat to lull her back into uneasy slumber yet again.

Right now, as she sat up in bed, the grieving woman struggled to sort through the fuzziness of her mind from her latest dream – the first in ages not to be some sort of night terror – and clear her head.

From the carousel of random and vivid dreams came some order – a subtle awareness of who she was under the flow of thoughts with their loose connections to her waking life. After a few moments more, she began to analyze them in a hazy way, thinking perhaps those ideas were meant to be kept. Some were composed as though from a book she’d read, and some were just silly. In another moment, they were gone, leaving no trace. If they were still in her head, there was no breadcrumb trail back to them.

Her eyelids flickered open in the unlit room. No daylight. She tried to close them again, willing the carousel to return, for her mind to tumble back to the dreams, but it wouldn’t. Now the rest of the hours of the day loomed ahead, demanding she think about them, find solutions, and get things done by day’s end. She was awake and there was no retreat.

Fix und fertig sein.

Heart pounding, she stole a glance at the pointless alarm clock, glowing red, and reached out to turn it off. Once upon a time, 6:30 in the morning had been a rude awakening; now it was an impossible target. It would take at least a week of vacation to get there…

A vacation. Things to do. What laughable notions. She’d not worked in over two months and the empty endless days and nights stretched before her, with no end in sight.

The outside universe mocks me with its reticence; everyone and everything slumbers, except for the hooting owls. My only measure of time is the blinking numbers as they change on my bedside alarm. It seems like eons ago when the last rays of daylight left my bedchamber and it feels like another eternity shall pass before it skulks back again. All I can do is pray that in the meantime, I am not haunted by the unwanted awareness of every second of every passing minute. My mind is constantly regurgitating the anguishes of the day, the apprehension of the morrow, and the torments of yesteryear. Even worse is that I have no perfect solutions to propose.  I can only do what I have always done – take things one agonizing day at a time.

The Agent glanced over at her betrothed, his slumbering form as immobile as a mountain. She faintly smiled to herself and reached out to touch him, but then stopped herself. As her hand neared closer to the love of her life, the terrible memories flooded back in: the sudden, excruciating pain, the agonizing hours of labor, and …ugh! She slumped over, burying her face into her knees.

Such has become the only life I now know; when despair seems to become one with your existence. It is like an inescapable shadow that looms over its constant presence, regardless of whether you are in darkness or light.

Memories were the soul torturer of the woman. She couldn’t escape them, or hide from them; they were the worst kind of monster.

She feared what her past held, all the memories that seemed to never escape her. They were pinpoint needles, piercing her skin. She couldn’t scream or fight back, she had to just endure the agony as the picture of her baby’s face, and other demons from her past flashed through her mind.

She had experienced pain before, including the time she’d been shot, but nothing had ever amounted to this.

Her heart was as dolorous as the tundra biome on a desolate wintertide morning.

The vivid recollections of the labor pain were a prison for her mind. In that jail cell of fear and confusion, the time had passed without her being able to keep track. Her stomach had tightened, as though a ball of searing, poker-hot knives were within, and she heard her own screams without being aware of making them. She’d tried to lay still as the medications were administered, waiting for the agony to subside…

She could neither hide nor run or fight them. Her memories were indeed her worst enemy and the thing that would most likely destroy her.

Looking back now, she did her best to forget those torturous moments as effectively as formatting a hard drive, and instead recall the love she’d felt for her baby, her precious child, one created in perfect love, now gone forever.

Now Carol was a child of God’s kingdom, a heavenly angel, alongside Franziska’s mother and her sister, Manfrieda.

As much as she wanted to, the Frau could barely even bring herself to cry anymore, she could shudder, she could even whimper, but the waterworks just wouldn’t come forth anymore.

The most agonizing tears are not the ones that drip from your swollen eyes like a never-ending stream and drench your phizog; they are the ones that rupture your heart and cloak your soul.

Now, all the German woman could do was analyze and try to make it from one day to the next.

While the tears weren’t even halfway done, the anterior prosecutor was completely empty. She couldn’t have cried even if she wanted to. She hadn’t experienced this feeling before. The sadness was still there, but not raw anymore – now it was empty unhappiness. The kind she didn’t think would easily lift. Even if Miles had surprised her with the cutest kitten on earth, a playmate for Pess, she wouldn’t feel a thing, and would merely stare around her as though in a pit. Her surroundings were the same, but they gave her no emotion. How could that be? She needed emotion to experience being alive, to feel joy, to fill the void. Yet it seemed that she was doomed to remain incapable of feeling anything anymore.

That foolish fool Shi-Long Lang had tried to console her when the news had reached him. He started by telling her something that Lang Zi had once said, as he often did in sorry scenarios such as hers, and then he bluntly got to the point.

Franziska could remember his words as clearly as she could remember the color of the sky. Lang sighed as he stared her down, as she weakly lay in the hospital bed.

“Here’s the deal, Agent Von Karma. I’m here now, not as your Interpol boss, but as your friend. As a federal agency, it is our job to ensure that all of our Agents are in the proper physical condition to do their duty…”

She could only bring herself to nod as the Zheng-Fa denizen continued to speak what was probably the most prepared statement ever constructed, and clenched her fist harder and harder around her sheets as the Wolf Man continued.

“…but, I digress. We offer our deepest condolences for your … tragic loss and wish you a speedy recovery from your – Caesar – ah, your surgery. Also, we humbly offer to pay all of your medical bills. We insist!”

Miles spoke up from his depressing slump in the chair in the corner of the room.

“Thank you, Agent Lang. Your generosity means the world to us in these harsh times.”

Their superior nodded and turned to leave, but then gave the grieving mother one last, solemn look.

“I don’t want to see you back around the office for at least two months. Are we clear?”

She would have normally admonished such sentimentality, but she meekly nodded her acquiescence.

“Understood.”

“You will be missed, Agent Von Karma…” his voice trailed off uncertainly then, and he coughed uncomfortably. “Please let us know about the … arrangements as soon as you’ve got the details.” With that, he left, leaving Detective Badd alone with the couple.

The burly man regarded her with somber dark eyes, his normally shuttered mien rife with sympathy.

“Get well soon, kid,” he said gruffly, clearing his throat awkwardly. “And please, let me know if there’s anything we can do at all.”

Then he followed the Wolf Man’s path out the door.

Franziska sat there, brooding, as she grappled with her thoughts. She knew that Lang and Badd had only wished to help, but she couldn’t process how they thought time off would fix anything. At the same time, she didn’t know how, when or if she’d ever find the inner strength – she was now fully physically healed from the Caesarean – to ever leave the house, never mind go back to work again.

She hadn’t left the mansion or had any contact with the outside world since the funeral, save for her sister.

The numbness of her loss had passed, and suddenly, the pain once again hit her out of nowhere, doubling her over, and racking her body with sobs.

Where are you, Carol? She cried out in her mind, just as she had countless times these past few months. Where have you gone?

Of course, there was never any answer.

She curled up into a ball, hugged her knees, and dropped her mournful head down upon them while her agonized mind continued on the same treacherous treadmill of memories, from which there seemed to be no escape in sight, about her precious daughter.

Would there ever be an end to the awful images? The anger, the sadness, the constant thoughts of what could’ve been, rushing through her head?

The former prosecutor gave her slumbering Liebling a longing stare. She wanted so desperately to reach out, to touch him again, but … the fear was too strong. She didn’t want to have that happen again, she didn’t want to make another mistake.

She didn’t want to lose another baby.

Franziska silently sighed. A few times in the last week or so, Miles had hinted about wanting intimacy again, but each time his soft lips had so much as brushed hers, horrific thoughts of another miscarriage inundated her mind and she froze, stiffening like a rock, and turned away, so that he’d had no choice but to reluctantly let her be.

She felt so terrible for her fiancé; he wanted so desperately for them to be intimate, to love, and make love once more, but she just couldn’t find it within herself to do it. So now, her lover, a person she had known for most of her life, was still distant from her as ever, and she had no idea how to bridge that gap.

My heartache has wrung me out until I am a desiccated husk now; I am unable to shed any more tears. My insides still feel like freshly raw wounds, yet the injuries to my flesh will heal long before I am able to heal my brain. Such is trauma. The last conversation haunts me, taunts me, replaying like an echo. My appetite has dwindled to nothing. I keep the curtains closed so that I won’t have to witness life going on as usual. How could it be, when my world has crumbled?

There were times Franziska felt like the universe was slowly disappearing in front of her. Alternatively, maybe it was just she who was fading away – figuratively as well as literally.

Try as she might, and no matter what tempting dishes Helga would offer her, she couldn’t bear to eat more than a few bites of anything, as all food tasted like sawdust in her mouth. As a result, she’d unexpectedly dropped all of her excess pregnancy weight, plus some. Miles had worriedly noted that she was even thinner now than before she’d gotten pregnant, but Franziska just couldn’t find it in her to care about these things. Nothing mattered anyway. Who was there to see her? What did it matter if she was now barely more than skin and bones on the outside?

There is no damn thing on this planet that can take away the excruciation of everyday living.

The agony of her unending grief coursed through her, streaming her blood and stultifying her mind. It was virulent to her spirit, deadening all her other emotions until only crippling sorrow remained within that empty chasm within her chest; the hollow space where there had once been a heart. It was as if a stygian fog had enclosed around her and refused to shift, and no matter how warm and sunny the day was, she would neither feel nor see any shining rays or hear any melodious bird song. The darkness within had completely enveloped her, engulfing all her hopes and dreams, forcing her to realize the overall vacuous nothingness of her very existence.

These times awaken me at five in the morning and make me wonder: what am I living for, anyway? Maybe for me, maybe for others. Does it matter? And when I can’t find my answers, from my mind, from my dreams… the anxiety turns into panic.

The German woman knew she was going to lose her mind if she sat there with the painful myriad of her disruptive thoughts for another minute. However, she didn’t want to awaken Miles, who was slumbering so peacefully, so she silently slipped out of the bed and slunk into her smaller, adjoining study in the next room,  carefully closing the connecting door to the bedroom behind her. Her fiancé had stayed up with her most nights she couldn’t sleep and had faithfully remained by her side while she’d been off work. She didn’t want to rouse him – he needed his rest. After all, he couldn’t stay off work forever. There was only so much leeway Lang could give them, after all…

She swallowed against the sudden lump in her throat. Miles should sleep. He deserved it. He’d been a great partner to her – perhaps even better than she deserved. Especially after what she’d said to him…

Stop it, Franziska. Don’t torture yourself with words you didn’t mean to say! Her heart wept plaintively. You were pregnant, hormonal, and angry … he knows you didn’t mean it!

How did others make it look so easy in connecting with another human being?  It was like no one had ever told them it was the hardest thing in the world.

That’s no excuse! The logical part of her mind cried. You told him that the baby was the only thing keeping you together, Franziska Von Karma! The sole tie that binds you together! Yes, he’s still with you now after the fact, because he feels sorry for you, but for how long? After saying such a venomous thing to him, truly, what’s keeping him with you? From running off to Lana? Or just leaving, period? What makes you think his moral obligations are enough to keep him around? That you’re enough, especially after the way you’ve behaved? What makes you think you’ll ever be enough?!

If she kept listening to these contradicting voices much longer, she’d surely go mad.

There it goes again, that diabolical inner voice; my relentless tormentor, hellbent on my destruction. It hisses in my ear, “There are six things in life you cannot take back. A stone after it is thrown. An occasion once it is missed. An action when it is done. Trust once it is lost. Time once it is passed. And finally, a word once it is spoken. Do you not understand the weighted repercussions of that last point, you foolish fool? Words are weapons used to create wounds that are hard to heal. You can’t take back a bullet fired once it’s already left the gun. Such is also true with cruel things that leave your mouth, so it’s best to try to hold your tongue. But you did not take heed to any of this, did you? No, instead you have irreverently exterminated the roots of the foundation you have built with Miles with your toxic utterings and behavior! You have failed! It is over! The fat lady hath sung, yet you are impotently hanging onto a withered tree with dead roots! Time to chop it down and stop prolonging this misery…

She gave her head a firm shake, and then quickly turned to her computer, frantically scrolling through some personal emails she’d been neglecting for some time. One, in particular, caught her eye, and a soft smile formed around her lips when she saw the unexpected sender. Before she could have a change of heart, she quickly fired back a quick reply, responding to the requested information, then sat back in her chair.

That may just be what the doctor ordered! A most unanticipated surprise, and a welcome distraction. Miles will be pleased as well, I should think!

Franziska busied herself replying to a few other emails and idly went to a few sites of particular interest, happy to distract herself from her thoughts, and when she glanced at the time on the computer, she was startled to realize that she’d been online for just over an hour. It was 6:30 now. Daylight was beginning to creep through the blinds.

I need to get back to bed. Maybe I can squeeze in another hour or two of rest by Miles’s side before he wakes up for his morning run. Perhaps just lying next to him, feeling his presence, will quell my nerves from earlier. And maybe…the time has come for us to try to talk about what’s been happening between us, which he’s tried so hard to do all those months ago, and see if we can salvage this dying tree, so it can flourish and grow once again. Assuming I’m not too late…

Franziska scrunched her eyes tightly shut against her stinging lids, trying to drown out her tormenting internal monologue.

Miles Edgeworth and Lana Skye
April 28, 2025, 6:25 AM

Miles felt rustled from his deep slumber by the sudden vibrating sound of his cell on his bedside night table. Quickly, not wanting to awaken his fiancée, he grabbed it and pressed the talk button, brushing his long fringe out of his face while he did so. As he said hello into the phone, he swung his legs over the side of the bed and cast a glance over his shoulder, fully planning on taking the call in the next room, but saw that her side of the bed was empty. How odd. The bathroom door was wide open so where could she have gone?

Frowning with unease, he sank back down on the bed and was startled to hear Lana’s voice on the line. He hadn’t seen her since the funeral and had only exchanged a small handful of emails, checking in to see how he and Franziska were faring, ever since.

“Hi, it’s me. I know it’s early,” Lana began apologetically. “But you know I wouldn’t be calling you unless it was important.”

“It’s alright, Lana. What’s going on?”

“Lang contacted me. It’s about the operation, Miles. He can’t stall things any longer – things have already been setback longer than anticipated. He wants us back and on the case, as soon as possible.”

The logic genius rubbed a hand over his face. He’d known this day was coming – even though Lang had said they could have a few months, he also knew that business was business and that the Agent had hoped he and Franziska wouldn’t truly need to take it – and thus he’d been dreading it, too. As much as his heart continuously ached when he thought of his stillborn daughter, Miles welcomed the distracting reprieve that work would offer him to help thwart the painful memories.

However, his fiancée was a different story. Never before had he ever seen the formidable Franziska Von Karma so frail, so lost. She’d, at last, collapsed her barriers and let him see her vulnerable side, and they’d finally started to reconnect; console each other after all this heartache. And now he was being called away just when he knew she needed him most…

“How soon is soon, Lana?” He asked wearily, although he already knew the answer.

“Yesterday, if Lang had his way,” she replied with a groan. “But realistically, tomorrow, or the day after. He’s not going to try to coerce Franziska to return until she’s fully ready to, but you and I are to meet Jilly and Carlos at HQ, have them freshen up our alter-ego makeovers again, then we’re right back in that saddle!”

“This won’t do!” Miles exclaimed, even though he knew he was barking at the wrong tree. “I won’t just up and leave Franziska at the drop of a hat! I can’t just do that Lana. It’s not that easy!”

“I hear you…” she replied hesitantly. “But…”

“Franziska’s still a wreck, and she’s been leaning heavily on me. I can’t just go like that – I’d need to give her some notice.”

“We need you, Miles.”

“My fiancée does too! I know she needs me, and I’ve already hurt her so badly in the past…”

“I know, and a lot of that was my fault, as well,” she acknowledged remorsefully. “Miles, a part of me still feels so guilty about the rift that came between you because of me! You have no idea how much I yearn to turn back time and undo it all.”

“So can’t you see how it’s entirely too cruel for me to just leave her like this?”

“Miles…”

“Surely you can try to understand?”

“Of course, I do, Miles.” His ex was mournful as she spoke. “I hate the part I’ve unwittingly played in all this heartbreak, just as much as I loathe that I had to be the one to make this phone call.”

“It’s not your fault,” He sighed. “This isn’t about you and me in the least – I’d not want to leave her side even if it were for charity purposes! Franziska is so vulnerable right now. She’s wasted away to practically nothing. I fear she may be suffering from some sort of postpartum depression on top of everything.”

“Isn’t her sister a psychologist? Couldn’t you talk to her about this? Get her opinion?”

“Katharina was here for a good month afterward, and also was worried she’ll fall apart. But she’s so obstinate, I’m not sure she’d be willing to accept any sort of help in that regard.”

“Miles, I’m sorry about all this strife, but what do you want me to tell Lang?” Lana asked helplessly. “Should I tell him that you’re unable to continue with the operation and need to be replaced? That you’re not coming back?”

“No, I won’t ask you to do such a thing.” He raked a hand through his hair. “I knew this day was looming…it was only a matter of time. However, while I’ve been consciously aware that it’s been a long time coming, Franziska hasn’t really been in the right sort of mind to pay heed to time. She’s got a strong work ethic, and would probably encourage my return at some point, but she probably wasn’t expecting this so soon, even though for Interpol it feels like forever.”

“It’s going to be different this time, Miles,” she warned. “We are going to be out there a minimum of six months, trying to get to these cocoons while we try to pick up where we left off and hope Ku can still make good on his promise. Nevertheless, we may have to start from scratch in our dealings with him to prove our interest is still keen after all this radio silence, or go a new route entirely. This is going to be rough. I need to know you have my back. Because it’s going to be just you and me, thrown to the wolves, fending for ourselves out there. I can’t do this without you.”

“I can’t do this without you, either,” he admitted. “But there are few people I’d trust more than you to look out for me on that minefield. You have my absolute word, Lana, we’re a team, you and I.”

“Thank you, Miles.” She sounded relieved. “Tell me then, what can I tell Lang? When should I say we’re back in action?”

“Well, first and foremost, I need to advise this latest change to the love of my life and hope I can make her understand the underlying factors here. We’ve always been very supportive of one another’s career ambitions – but the part about us being so deep undercover, and unreachable for so long, that’s what I’m worried about. She may not take this well.”

“So you’re going to let me know what’s up once you’ve talked to Franziska, then?”

“I’ll save you the middleman duty and contact Lang myself,” Miles assured her. “But I do need to first speak to my fiancée before I commit to any dates. She’s the most important person in my life, and I owe her this.”

“The things we do in the name of justice,” Lana sighed. “This is the kind of thing you read about in spy novels or see in James Bond movies; these sorts of dangerous life and limb situations. It’s a dirty job, but somebody’s gotta do it, right?”

“I know what you mean. I feel the same way. These smugglers are destroying so many lives…and someone needs to put a stop to it. I’ve always done my best to get to the truth, and make sure that I fulfill my life’s mission so that someday, our children will have a safer world to grow up in.” Miles chuckled ruefully. “In my case, it’s not what I want to do; it’s what I have to do.”

Miles Edgeworth and Franziska Von Karma
Von Karma Estate, Germany
April 28, 2025, 6:35 AM

As she placed her hand on the heavy wooden door, Franziska realized she could hear the slightly muffled sounds of Miles’ voice on the other side. When had he awakened?

He appeared to be on the phone with someone. She could only make out snatches and snippets of the conversation. She hated herself for eavesdropping but felt compelled to remain still and listen for some reason.

“I can’t just do that Lana. It’s not that easy…”

Lana?! Franziska’s heart went into a tailspin, as all of her insecurities came flooding back to her at the mere mention of the other woman’s name. What was she doing calling Miles this early in the morning?!

“…. need to give her some notice…. She needs me…too cruel to just leave her like this…try to understand….This isn’t about you and me…Franziska is so vulnerable…worried she’ll fall apart…it’s been a long time coming but she probably wasn’t expecting this…Can’t do this without you….we’re a team, you and I…make her understand…I owe her this…”

Franziska’s heart plummeted. It seemed she was too late after all. This was her worst fear. That she had killed whatever precious love he’d had for her, and that without the baby as a key factor anymore, he had no reason to stay by her side anymore, save for his obligatory morals. He was trying to spare her because he knew she was vulnerable. Well dammit, she was a Von Karma! She didn’t need his pity! If her words and her actions had uprooted that dying tree and it was about to fall dead anyway, so be it! She would deal with the consequences of her actions like a grown woman and end this torture!

The love I have for you, Miles Edgeworth, can’t end until my body ceases to function and my soul is released for whatever comes after. I hope that somehow it is embedded into my soul and that at the very least, mine will eternally endure. Even on my darkest days, my love for you had ridden underneath it all, keeping my mind from sinking into the mire that claimed me in the past. I’d always known that however deep I feared I’d fallen into the darkness you would be there, as you have been all this time; the solid ground to steady me, giving me time to climb back into positivity. But if such is no longer the case, I’d rather you slap me with the bitter truth that your heart has moved on, rather kiss me with a lie any longer.

Loudly clearing her throat as she opened the door then, to make her entrance known, Franziska pushed the door ajar and found Miles sitting up on the bed, raking his fingers anxiously through his hair with his free hand, with the other clamping his cell tightly to his ear. A pensive frown marred his brow as he listened intently to whatever Lana was saying, and still didn’t seem aware of her existence behind him in the bedroom, as he was so engrossed in the conversation.

“It’s not what I want to do, it’s what I have to do…”

Swallowing painfully upon hearing those words, Franziska coughed slightly, to alert him of her presence, and Miles’ head shot up then, his eyes wide with astonishment.

“I’ll call you later, Lana,” he said abruptly into the phone, then rung off.

Franziska ensured her expression was neutral as she studied his handsome face, which wore a look of intense consternation at the sight of her.

“Meine Dame, when did you get up?” He asked worriedly. “I wasn’t sure where you’d gone – if you’d left the house or just gone downstairs, but when I woke up, you weren’t here…”

“I could not sleep,” she answered guardedly. “But you were sleeping and I did not wish to disrupt your slumber yet again, so I decided to check some emails. When did you awaken?”

“Just now,” he replied, his concerned eyes scrutinizing the weary lines on her drawn face, as he appeared to be struggling with his next words. “I was woken up only a few moments ago by that phone call from Lana…”

His voice trailed off then, as he studied her but her countenance belied nothing.

“I see,” was all she said back in response. “And?”

Miles expelled the breath that he appeared to be holding in his lungs.

“Franziska, it appears that Lang can’t stall the sting operation any longer. There’s already been a huge setback due to…well, anyway, he wants me to come back to work. Immediately. That was why she called.”

“Oh, is that all?” Franziska forced herself to smile slightly. “That was what had you looking like so apprehensive, Miles? Don’t be foolish! Of course, you need to go back to work. There is no need to beat around the bush. The operation got halted because of me. I am well aware of this, and I refuse to be the albatross around Interpol’s neck a moment longer. If Lang says you need to go, then you should go! I –  I am sure my return shall not be too long afterward. I assume the Wolf Man said nothing about expecting me to give an anticipated return date?”

“Well, no…” Miles was visibly struggling with how surprisingly blithe she was being with what he’d imagined was upsetting news. “Lang is most understanding about your plight and wants you fully healed and recuperated before you resume your duties. But as for Lana and I … Ku was headed back to Borginia back in February and was going to give us the name of the cocoon dealer, but our inside source has indicated he’s gotten impatient with our silence, and we may need to restart from scratch in the process of buttering him up once more. Alternatively, we may need to seek another lead to the source entirely. Nonetheless, we need to act fast, and now.”

“That sounds about right,” she returned breezily. “You are a great undercover agent, Miles, as is Lana. I have no concerns over your combined talents as a team to set things back on course with Ku or find a more reliable alternative route. I want you to go with my blessing!”

“Franziska, I don’t want to leave you when you’re like this,” Miles protested, not looking at all placated by her words. If anything, he looked even more weary and anxious. “I know your stitches have healed, but you’re still not eating or sleeping properly…”

“I am a grown woman, Miles, and I do not require a babysitter.” Franziska was adamant. “There is a house full of servants to tend to me if any need arises, so you need not…worry about that as a factor to force you to be here any longer.”

“Force?” He echoed, looking stunned. “Meine Dame, you’re not a chore to me – you’ve never been. How could you even suggest such a thing?”

“Forgive me,” Franziska shrugged. “I shall blame the early hour for my unprecedented lax vocabulary. Forced, obliged, bound to me … the phrasing is not relevant here! What is important is that you are an investigative prosecutor on a top-secret Interpol mission, and that is your first and foremost duty now. You have backburned it long enough on my account. Lang has been surprisingly saintly about this whole matter, what with us both being off of the case this long – we are lucky he has not tried to replace either of us! I shall contact him myself about my situation when I am ready, but in the meantime, duty calls. Believe me, I completely understand.”

“Franziska, I don’t think you do.” He seemed slightly pained now. “This isn’t the same as before – we’re going in deep undercover, and we need to make up for the lost time. There’s no pressure on when you can come back and join us, of course, but I don’t know when I’ll be back. That’s what I’m trying to convey to you. I’ll be gone for quite a while this time around. We’re talking half a year at least, easily. Lana and I may be clandestine by that point that there’s a strong chance that whenever you do decide to come back as part of the surveillance team, I may not see you, even then!”

“So that is your primary concern, Liebling? Because you do not know when we shall be seeing one another again?”

Franziska somehow managed to conjure up a light laugh, even though the words Lana and deep undercover made her grit her teeth behind her affixed placid expression.

“Surely a man with work ethics such as yours cannot be hindered by such foolish sentiments! As I said, I am a grown woman, and surely, this is not the first time in our lives we have been separated. Why, there were years that passed between us without seeing one another, like when you left me…” She coughed slightly. “What I meant to say was, when you left… to go to the States. Er, to become a prosecutor, do you not remember? I survived without you back then, and rest assured, I will survive this time as well.”

“That was different, Franziska,” he reminded her. “We still kept in contact and I still came back home to visit during the holidays. This time, I may not be accessible as easily, which is why I was wrestling with deciding without first speaking to you.”

“And I appreciate your thoughtfulness, but it is unnecessary, I assure you,” she stated stubbornly. “As I said, I will be fine. My sister is only a train ride away, I have Helga hovering over me, waving my favorite meals like a flag to tempt me with, and … I just got an email from an old friend, who may be coming to visit me in a week or so. Pity you will not be here, but I shall have my hostess duties to keep me occupied, as well. It is about time I rejoined the outside world, is it not?”

“This is good news, although I must say, I am surprised by this complete turnabout of yours…” Miles said slowly, studying her expression carefully. “Are you sure you’re alright with this? Because I don’t want you to feel that you have to put on a brave face, Franziska…”

“Miles, I refuse to speak about this another moment!” She declared, lifting her chin. “I have lived without you glued to my side in the past, and I will do so again. I am a survivor, I am an adult. Moreover, I am a Von Karma!”

“That you are, meine Dame. That you are.” Miles gave a soft chuckle of admiration then and rose from the bed, coming to stand before her and placing his hands on her shoulders. She stood there somewhat stiffly, although her eyes were locked on that beauteous visage, silently trying to memorize every inch of it to the confines of her memory as she internally wept on the inside that she was losing him yet again, more than likely for good this time.

“I’ll think of you every day, you know that, right?” He lifted her chin with his finger and looked deeply into her eyes. “Out of sight doesn’t mean out of mind, meine Dame.  And when I get back, I’m hoping that perhaps you and I could try again to have another –”

She forced another smile even as she fought back her tears.

“One thing at a time, Liebling,” she said quickly, not wanting to hear offers or promises that were never meant to be kept and babies that were never going to be had, just for the sake of saying them. “Let us deal with the immediate situation first and foremost, before we discuss things that are further down the line, shall we?”

“As you wish.” Miles leaned down and pressed a soft kiss on her forehead. “But that was our dream, Franziska, and I don’t want you to give up on it. I look forward to making it a reality when this is all over. Now, I’m going to take a shower and give Lang a call. Try to get some sleep in the meantime, alright?”

She nodded mutely, closing her eyes to breathe in his familiar scent one more time as she savored the sensation of his lips, trying to instill them into her permanent memory, to tide her over until the day she would never see him again.

Please do not go! Her heart cried silently, achingly. I need you so badly, Miles! I beg you, please stay by my side! In my heart, I retract all the bad things I ever said! They were never a reflection on you, only on my inner demons. You worked hard and I only saw what you could not do. In that permanent fatigue you must have wrestled with, trying to put up with my inexplicable moods and cruel words, how could you ever have stacked up to be the husband Cosmopolitan magazine said I should have? In my misplaced entitlement, I gave you only passive-aggressive rage, I withdrew to punish you and became self-absorbed. Now you will be gone, fled to another who gives you hugs instead of cold stares, acceptance and not demands, respect, and never condemnation. I can never hope to win you back and I do not deserve you, but every day I pray that she treats you well, that you know all the happiness I never gave, and that you make back those wasted years we shared. I wish you could remain by my side, that I could make amends, that it would be me you will be snuggling after dark. I have grown; I have learned about what honestly matters. But not soon enough for us.

Even so, these were all words her Von Karma pride would never allow her to say out loud. Besides, the die was cast. What would be the point?

The cruel voice in her mind rang in to taunt her, torture her. To further rub salt into the wounds.

I am the demonic hell beast that stemmed from your worst nightmares. I know all of your deepest insecurities and fears as well as what makes you tick, so I can and will control you like a puppeteer does a marionette. I will make you begin to do things I know you find distasteful, then slowly graduate you to saying things, reprehensible, unforgivable things you never imagined you were capable of. I am the master of puppets, luring you into my web of strings with the premise of fulfilling your every wish and dream in life – like joy and love –  but only if you obey my initial commands first. And like an obedient pawn, you eagerly oblige, and I dangle your happiness, always just out of reach, before you, close enough for you to almost attain it. But not so fast – before you can get your greedy paws on that proverbial, undulation carrot, I will force you to prove your devotion and do just one more little thing for me. And by the time you do, I will have made you become an unrecognizable version of yourself; someone the old Franziska would have despised with a burning passion. But by then, I will have vanished. Why? Because I have had my sadistic fun, the game is done, and ultimately, you mean nothing to me. Just as in the end, you meant nothing to Miles. He is going to leave you behind yet again, and this time, he has got Lana. And he is never going to look back.

As soon as the bathroom door clicked shut, the silver-haired woman dropped down on the bed and sat there, still, with no strength to move. Her shaky fingers finally came to a stop after running restlessly through her messed-up hair as she bit down on her lip, trying not to weep like an infant.

Stay strong, Franziska. Crying is not going to help, it is not going to change anything. You know that as much you want to blame Lana for this inevitable outcome, it is just as much your fault as well. Your jealousy drove him away, and since he is only a man, of course, he would succumb to her wiles. There is no use feeling despair over something you saw coming from the moment he first set eyes on that woman almost a year ago. Have your life lessons, your history, taught you nothing, you foolish girl? No one woman is ever enough for any man. What made you think you were any different?

Despite her mind’s efforts to look at things matter-of-factly, her aching heart wouldn’t stop racing fast, and Franziska, at last, gave in to the flood of tears that had built up within her from the moment she’d heard the words on that phone call.

He is never going to come back. His body has been with me, but his heart has moved on. He always winds up leaving – he has for all my life. This time though, I understand. I get it. In the end, I was not enough. I have never been enough…

German Translations

Fix und fertig sein – I am completely knackered