16 A Jack Of All Trades, Master Of Some

If you like to gamble, I tell you I’m your man
You win some, lose some, all the same to me

The pleasure is to play, makes no difference what you say
I don’t share your greed, the only card I need is the Ace of Spades
The Ace of Spades

Playing for the high one, dancing with the devil
Going with the flow, it’s all a game to me

Seven or eleven, snake eyes watching you
Double up or quit, double stake or split, the Ace of Spades
The Ace of Spades

You know I’m born to lose, and gambling’s for fools
But that’s the way I like it baby
I don’t wanna live forever
And don’t forget the joker!

Pushing up the ante, I know you gotta see me
Read ’em and weep, the dead man’s hand again

I see it in your eyes, take one look and die
The only thing you see, you know it’s gonna be the Ace of Spades
The Ace of Spades

Phoenix Wright and Shady Russian Bar Owners
The Hydeout
May 12, 2019, 9:45 PM

Phoenix’s face was a mask of grim determination as he listened intently to Natasha while she explained what the chips were worth. They had some illogical system where the bigger chips were worth less than the smaller chips.

She caught his perplexed look and smirked.

“It was my husband’s idea to do this way.”

Boris’s shoulders went up in a noncommittal shrug.

“You must do what you can to keepink things interestink.”

The Russian man didn’t appear to be the sort who needed to be worried about having a boring life, but Phoenix wisely said nothing. He anted.

He got dealt a jack of spades, a king of spades, a ten of hearts, a seven of diamonds, and a ten of clubs.

A freaking pair of tens! Crap! I’ve got a couple of spades. I could go for a flush…or I could just toss out everything but the pair and hope for the best, but I won’t get lucky enough to get a full house or anything. I could decide to ditch the jack and the seven and keep the king and the pair of tens. If I chuck the king it will reveal that all I’ve got is a pair, and considering it’s only a pair of tens, I’d rather bluff a little.

He turned over the cards that he’d been dealt and couldn’t believe his luck. Another ten! He knew better than to smile.

Three of a kind wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good either, especially when it was only tens. He flipped over the other card and hurray – it was a king! The king of hearts.

Boris placed his bet, but the hobo could tell the other man had no confidence in his hand. He might as well raise him. He was certain he had the winning hand, but if he was too obviously cocky, the Russian would fold. Then again, the owner would expect his opponent to raise him. It was part of the dance.

If he did it nonchalantly, his boss would have to hazard a guess as to what his opponent had up his sleeve.

The poker contender tossed some chips on the pile. “Raise you.”

The Russian man’s eyes widened a tad, but he was too proud to not see the raise even though Phoenix was positive he had zilch.

“Ready?” Natasha asked coolly.

Boris flipped his cards over.

“Pair of Jacks.”

Phoenix shook his head.

Man, is he ever a shitty card player. Was this supposed to be a challenge?

“Full house.”

He slid his winnings towards him and barely resisted a smirk at the dumbfounded look on Boris’s face. Natasha was more composed, but Phoenix caught the pleased glint in her eye before he turned back to her still-stupefied husband.

“Another game?” He offered affably, with a perfectly straight face.

“No thankink you,” Boris pouted, huffily crossing his arms across his chest like a recalcitrant child. “Beginner luck, I tellink you! Let’s seeink if you can doing this again tomorrow.”

Natasha flashed what could only be described as a Cheshire cat grin.

“Welcome aboard, Phoenix Wright,” she purred.

Phoenix Wright
Outside The Borscht Bowl Club
May 12, 2019, 10:00 PM

The owners had decided to let Phoenix leave his shift early as it was his first night and they felt they had seen all they needed to see. They outlined what it was that they wanted from him if he wished to continue to be in their employment, and he’d agreed to their terms.

The rules were simple. They didn’t care that he was the shoddiest piano player to ever grace the walls of their establishment. It was merely a front for his real job, which nobody else was privy to know about, not even Tyler or Tiffany.

They wanted a poker shark. Someone so good at the game that eventually their business would be bustling and folks would come from far and wide to play ‘the undefeated champion’. That was the one caveat. Much like his undefeated winning record in court, (the one Matt Engarde case he’d lost on purpose notwithstanding), having a flawless winning streak was contingent on him keeping his reputation, and in this instance, his job. It was a tall order, but Phoenix refused to shy away from the challenge. If he could cross-examine a parrot, he could learn to kick ass at poker. The fine art of bluffing was innate within him, even without his attorney’s badge.

However, Boris had implored him to also work somewhat on his playing so his cover wasn’t completely blown.

“I no aksink you to be classical pianist,” the Russian had insisted. “But please, no be so badly playink tomorrow? Forget own music, da? Just keep playink what most easy for you, even Disney!”

Suddenly his brooding, shyster mug brightened.

“Maybe you can be confusink people into thinkink you better than you are…”

That’s how I got this job in the first place! The new poker player thought wryly. By wowing poor Tyler with the one song I knew how to play and playing a few bars of basic showtunes even a monkey could do!

“What my husband in meanink,” Natasha intervened blithely. “Is perhaps you makink diversion for people from your … simple playink skills. Can you do singink?”

“Only in the shower,” he had lied easily.

Her eyes had narrowed dangerously.

“It can be no worse than your playink,” she decided. “You can practice singink, too. Singink or playink, I don’t care. You performink more whatever the people be hatink less. I lettink you decide.”

“Sure, no problem. Good night guys. See you tomorrow.”

Phoenix smiled weakly and gave a half-hearted thumbs-up sign of acquiescence before he glumly headed out the exit and up the stairs back to the bar, wondering how on earth he was going to fulfill the monumental delivery of what he’d just promised.

To earn respect, you must earn your own self-respect before you can expect others, to respect you. Ergo, all I’ve got to do is morph into a champion poker player to prove to the owners that tonight wasn’t a fluke victory, and also become a passable pianist and/or singer of some sort… overnight! It can happen! After all, miracles occur every day, right?

He chuckled bitterly to himself as he trudged out the door and waited at the bus stop outside the bar.

Basically, to keep this crummy gig and support me and my daughter, all I had to do was basically swear a blood oath to a probable Russian gangster and his mafia princess wife that I’d become master card player/cabaret star by tomorrow. Of course, I can do that! Why the hell not? I can also be a loving father, a long-distance boyfriend, learn to speak five languages, volunteer at the local orphanage, and become a stunt car driver by the day after tomorrow, to boot! Piece of cake!

The pianist-turned-card shark was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t even feel the first few droplets of water hit his forehead until he looked up at the sky and noticed a steady drizzle had begun to fall. His bus wasn’t due for another half hour, and of course, the bus stop had no shelter. He didn’t even have an umbrella to duck under. A clap of thunder was heard overhead just then.

Wow, I’m hoping that’s not supposed to be taken as an omen about my probability of achieving these lofty goals…

“Hey buddy, you need a lift?”

Phoenix turned around and saw the bartender exiting the bar doors just behind him, a newspaper held over his head to keep him dry from the increasingly steady rain.

“Hi, Tyler.” He smiled at his new friend. “Um, that would be great, but which way are you headed?”

“We live just over by Calico Drive and Olympic Avenue.”

“I live on the opposite side of town, but I need to go pick up my daughter from her sitter and the place is just over on Palisades and Bouclair. Is that out of your way?”

“Not at all. We pass that way every day. I’m sure Sasha won’t mind dropping you off.”

“If you’re sure it’s not too much of an imposition…” A warm car sounds much more welcoming than turning into a drowned rat waiting for my bus for another 25 minutes, any day. “I’d be happy to get a lift. Assuming your wife doesn’t mind?”

“Nah, she’s cool that way. Normally she’d be here already but she probably got slowed down a bit by the rain.”

“Tyler,” Phoenix began awkwardly, once again touched by the young man’s kindness. “I hope I didn’t get you into too much trouble with the owners because of my lousy playing tonight. And if you did, I’m so sorry.”

“Nah, the worst thing Boris could do was call me a tone-deaf durak for hiring the likes of you.” The bartender shrugged. “Natasha just literally bopped him on the head like she always does whenever he gets out of line or is too rude with the staff, and forced him to apologize to me. She knows that ultimately, I can only recommend a recruit, and it’s their final call to decide on my selection of hires. Boris just likes to grumble and pretend he’s a pit bull when we all know he’s more of a Chihuahua!”

Well, he is a yapping ankle-biter of a man … I could see him starring in taco fast-food commercials…

“Yo Quiero Taco Bell?” Phoenix joked in his worst Mexican accent.

“I could so see that!” Tyler laughed at the quip, his dark eyes filled with merriment. “Just like how everyone else can see that his wife is the one who wears the pants in that marriage! Natasha’s old man used to own the place before he passed it on to her. Boris just tries to act like a big shot because she’s got a butt load more money, and four inches on him! Napoleon complex at its best. He likes to act all tough and growl and snarl to try to intimidate the staff until Natasha intervenes and tells him to sharrup your mouth, Dahlink!”

“I notice he always tends to oblige, too!” The hobo couldn’t help but crack up at his friend’s dead-on impersonation of the female owner’s cartoon-like Russian accent.

“He will if he knows what’s best for him,” Tyler declared, taking a few sections of his newspaper and handing it to Phoenix for some protection from the rainfall, who accepted it gratefully. “Besides, if anyone should be apologizing, buddy, it’s me. I’m so sorry I couldn’t help you out with your little, ah, altercation with Tiffany there, but I didn’t know what to do! That woman is scary as hell when she’s steamed – she’s more of a pit bull than Boris will ever be!”

“Oh, she’s not so bad,” Phoenix dismissed, feeling a pang of loyalty. “She’s just, er, very high-spirited about her musical tastes, I guess?”

“Is that really why she was looking ready to rip you apart earlier tonight?” Tyler looked at him skeptically. “Merely because she objected to your … sub-par piano playing?”

Phoenix could have fibbed about the whole Tiffany situation but opted not to. For one thing, he was going to be forced to bluff for a living now and refused to have to do so when off the clock. And for another, Tyler struck him as a genuinely nice guy who had offered him benevolence, as well as his hand in friendship, while expecting nothing in return. He didn’t deserve to be subjected to bullshit. With a sigh, he gave his friend a brief synopsis of the fiasco that had led up to his wrath-fueled confrontation with the waitress.

“Booberella?” Tyler was laughing so hard that there were tears in his eyes. “Your girlfriend seriously called Tiffany that to her face?”

“Among other things…” Phoenix admitted. “Although to be fair, Tiffany was being flirty with me because she had no clue about my feelings for Maya and vice versa. She was the unassuming, innocent party in that whole series of unfortunate events.”

“Innocent?” Tyler snorted. “Tiffany Pierce is about as innocent as a black widow! She’s a complete man-eater, that one! That woman has tried to get her fangs into almost every man that’s passed through those tavern doors, staff and patrons alike. Some have even succumbed to her wiles, but she chews them up and spits them out like bad tobacco. You’d be wise to keep it zipped around her, buddy.”

“Well, luckily for me, having a girlfriend certainly helps keep her bay.”

“I’m surprised it did. I’m married and expecting a baby and she still used to hit on me!” Tyler exclaimed. “Of course, she was hitting on me before I got married … it’s been over two years now I’ve been playing the old duck and dodge game with her.”

The guy had been married for two years? He must have been barely legal when he got hitched!

“High school sweethearts?” Phoenix asked tentatively. He hated to pry but curiosity claimed the better of him.

“Junior high,” Tyler corrected, smiling broadly. “Sasha and I have been together since seventh grade. So nine years now.”

This meant that the younger man had been bartending long before he’d even legally been able to even drink! Phoenix wondered what other sorts of shady activity went on in a place so unscrupulous that they’d hired a
19-year-old to serve alcohol!

“Speaking of my Sasha, there she is now!” Tyler’s grin got even wider as a sea-foam green Viper suddenly pulled up to the curb right next to them. He walked over to the passenger window and tapped on the glass, signaling his wife to roll the window down. “Hey, baby. Do you mind giving my pal Phoenix a ride? He’s not too far from our place.”

“As long as he doesn’t mind squishing in the rear next to the groceries – the boot’s too full!” Sasha replied cheerfully in a lilting British accent, flashing the pianist a warm smile. “Come in on my side, love, I have all the packages behind the passenger seat.”

Tyler sat down in the front as Sasha got out of the car and lowered the driver’s seat forward so the new faux pianist could get in.

Sasha was tall – the same towering 6′ 4″ as her husband, so Phoenix was completely dwarfed standing next to her. Her sparkling blue eyes and long, lavender pastel hair, with baby blue tips at the wavy ends, complemented her flawless porcelain skin. She looked like an anime princess come to life, and despite the noticeable baby bump, she was also as pretty as a picture. Tyler was a lucky man indeed.

He climbed into the backseat behind the Amazon woman, barely stifling a grunt as his knees practically hit his chin. Sasha had to push the seat back as far as possible to make room for her long legs and protruding belly.

Tyler leaned over and gave his wife a tender kiss before they headed off.

“Thanks for coming to get me, baby.”

“Anything for my love,” Sasha replied, taking her husband’s hand and squeezing it. “It’s bloody well pouring out here now! You two would have been able to swim home in another few moments!” She carefully maneuvered the car along the slickly wet streets and caught the new hire’s eye in the rearview mirror. “So, how do you like working at the bar with my husband, Phoenix?”

“I’m the new pianist,” he replied. “It’s all right … I had some, ah, mixed reviews about my performance tonight. Normally, I’d be getting off later at 2:00 in the morning but they let me go early because it was my first night.”

“Made the hairs on their heads stand up enough for the night already, did you?” Tyler teased.

“Hey buddy, you’re the one who hired me!” Phoenix shot back with a grin.

“I didn’t know how bad a rookie pianist you were when I decided to take a chance on you, and that’s the story I’m sticking to!” Tyler jibed.

“Tyler, don’t be such a tosser!” Sasha scolded. “That’s no way to talk to a budding musician! How would you like it if I were to be taking the piss out of you every time you hit on the wrong note on our harmonium?”

She caught the beanie-wearer’s confused look in the mirror and gave a cheeky grin.

“My husband’s not one to talk about musical talents, Phoenix. I’ve been trying to teach him the harmonium at home so he can play music for our baby when it’s born, and let me tell you, it’s been quite the work in progress. You may have made the owner’s hair stand on end, but this one here can bloody well make me split mine at times, let me tell you!”

“I know I’m a challenge,” Tyler sighed. “Thanks for not giving me yet, baby.”

“You know I’d never give up on my love,” she replied softly. “We’ll make a brilliant musician out of you yet!”

The unmistakable love between the young couple was touching to see, and impossible to miss. While it made Phoenix smile to himself, there was an aching pang of longing inside his heart that also could not be denied.

God, I wish you were here. I miss you so damn much, Maya!

They arrived at the apartment complex the spiky-haired man indicated, and he profusely thanked the couple again before dashing inside. Luckily, the rain had let up mostly by then and had dulled down to a slow drizzle so he didn’t get too wet making the trip from the car to the lobby and buzzing himself in.

Stepping into the elevator, he leaned back against the wall and sighed tiredly, gently rubbing his forehead to keep his pending headache at bay.

What a night!

Despite the unexpected reprieve of the shortened shift that night, his eyes were heavy as he let out a deep moan of exhaustion. Between the owners and Tiffany, the stressful events of the evening had truly left him drained. He wondered if the sitter would object to him and Trucy crashing there for the night, as he’d be loath to wake his daughter up to take her home. It was late and a school night, something he hadn’t considered when he’d made the frantic call earlier that day in desperate search of a babysitter.

Stepping out of the elevator, he sleepily lumbered through the apartment corridors as he searched for the right apartment and knocked on the door.

After a night like this one, he couldn’t wait to give to see Trucy’s cherubic face and give her a kiss goodnight, which he did every night, even long after she’d gone to bed, which, given the late hour, she was most certainly already had.

The door swung open.

And the sight that greeted him made his heart leap high into his throat.

Motörhead – Ace Of Spades