96 Puppy Love

A/N: I have nothing but admiration and respect for the beautiful countries of England and France and their people, ergo; I hope none of my readers take any offense to my attempts at local/foreign wit!

Wise men say
Only fools rush in
But I can’t help falling in love with you
Shall I stay?
Would it be a sin
If I can’t help falling in love with you?

Like a river flows
Surely to the sea
Darling, so it goes
Some things are meant to be
Take my hand,
Take my whole life, too
For I can’t help falling in love with you

Pearl Fey
Layton’s Woods, England
May 3, 2025

Although no animal expert, the spirit medium knew the worst thing to do when confronted with any sort of canine, wild or domestic, was to run and allow the animal to give chase, allowing their primitive wolf instincts to take over. Instead, she dimly recalled, somewhere within the faded recesses of her horrorstruck mind, that you were supposed to stand your ground and confront the creature. However, you were also not to make direct eye contact and should remain still, all the while showing no fear, as all dogs could innately smell it.

The stay-put part was easy enough for the quivering teen. First, her fashionable, high-heeled boots weren’t at all practical for running – they wouldn’t even allow her to outrun a peg-legged senior citizen, never mind a spry animal of any sort! On top of that, her scampering efforts would undoubtedly draw even more attention from all the resulting rustle and noise!

Secondly, in her current petrified state, Pearl found herself helplessly frozen on that log and unable to move in the slightest! The spirit medium was utterly paralyzed with fear as the sounds of the barking grew steadily louder, and the beast appeared to be drawing nearer and nearer. Whimpering slightly, she curled herself up into a ball, hugged her knees to her chest, dropped her head down, and sobbed about her impending fate.

The loud barking ceased … now reduced to smaller, softer, yipping noises.

Peeking through her fingers, Pearl glanced down to see the source of the sound, which now sounded like it was coming from directly before her!  

Immediately, her terror abated, and the young girl was both mortified by her ludicrous trepidations, while simultaneously reduced into a puddle of goo.

In front of the teen, resting on its hind legs so its front paws were perched upon the log beside her, was the most adorable, gorgeous little puppy she’d ever seen in her life! The tiny animal was compact in body, not even a foot in height, with a baby-doll face, a poodle-like, fluffy white coat, and the hugest, button-black eyes! Its tiny pink tongue was extended into a goofy grin, with its little fuzzy tail happily wagging as it nudged its pert wet nose against her fingers, begging to be petted.

The fact that she was still completely lost in the woods, while in a foreign land, would occur to her again later. Right now, puppy!

Squealing with delight this time, rather than terror, the girl reached down and stroked the extended furry head on its exposed parts, noting that in a matter most bizarre, the puppy’s crown was covered by a pint-sized …  helmet.

“Aren’t you the sweetest, most darling thing?” She cooed, giggling as the puppy kept yapping while it licked her fingers. “How on earth did an itty, bitty little guy like you make such a big, scary racket in the forest? You nearly scared me half to death! But you’re so cute, I’ll forgive you! Are you lost too? You look well-groomed and cared for, so you’re not homeless! Plus, stray dogs wouldn’t have such an adorable little helmet! Wherever is your owner, fella?”

The snowy ball of fuzziness continued to yip, then made a sudden leap up onto the log, right into the unsuspecting teen’s arms, happily wagging its tail the whole time.

“Affectionate little thing, aren’t you?” She laughed, cradling the puppy in her arms like a baby and reveling in its fuzzy warmth against her. “I wonder what your name is?”

“Constantine!” A male voice called out just then. “Constantine! Where are you? Come back here, boy!”

The next thing Pearl knew, there was a rustle in the surrounding bushes, and out popped a slightly winded, panting boy, not much older than she was, who she could only presume was the little white bundle of fur’s owner.

“There you are!” The youth exclaimed thankfully as he caught sight of the bundle of fluff, whose name appeared to be Constantine. The relieved smile on his mien faded slightly as he finally took notice of the girl who was holding his pet. His startled eyes met Pearl’s, his expression unreadable, without blinking, and simply stared.

Pearl stared right back.

At this point in life, she was certainly well-mannered enough to refrain from gawking at random strangers. However, this lad before her, radiating with nothing but grace, had her enthralled. He was mesmerizing in every way. Tawny-colored hair peeked out from underneath a blue news cap, which was identical in shade to the blue sweater he wore over his white shirt, along with viridian shorts, which fell just past the knees of his strong, toned calves. The faint glimmer of the remaining evening sun ghosted over his fair skin, and his eyes were deep wells of melted caramel and chocolate combined. Also, when those very orbs had shifted and finally acknowledged her presence, a surge of understanding had both calmed and further mystified her at the same time.

For once in her life, the girl who had always been cautioned by her mother to be wary of strangers had her breath taken away – by the eyes of a total stranger.

At that precise moment, as Pearl first laid her eyes on him, she knew exactly what it meant to be spellbound.

Constantine squirmed slightly in her arms, so with great reluctance, she set him down on the ground, grateful for the reprieve of the staring match the boy seemed determined to have with her.

The puppy ran to the boy immediately, happily resuming his merry barking while pawing at his bare leg but the bloke’s eyes remained fixated on the now blushing spirit medium.

Pearl rose from the log then and ducked her head shyly, still rendered speechless. The only thing that came out of her mouth at that moment was the mention of the puppy, and even then, the words came out shaky and quiet.

“Constantine, is that his name? I’m happy to have been able to keep a hold of him for you,” she mumbled. “He’s such a gorgeous little puppy.”

The chap cleared his throat before he spoke, his lilting accent identical to the Professor’s and equally as smooth and cultured.

“Yes, thank you for doing that, Miss. He’s surprisingly spry for his age. Don’t let the size fool you, he’s not a puppy anymore. I believe he’s pushing nine now, actually. Constantine normally isn’t so friendly with strangers, but he sure seems to like you….”

His voice trailed off then and the rest of his words were unspoken as well as unnecessary, for they both heard the end of the hanging sentence.

“Can’t say I blame him.”

The two grinned at one another like a couple of goofy, love-struck teenagers …which was exactly what they both were! Constantine continued to yip.

“He sure is a chatty little guy, isn’t he?” Pearl noted. “I wish I could understand what he was saying!”

“Erm, I can.” The boy’s cheeks turned rufescent. “He thinks your hair looks like a big, delicious pretzel, and he really wants to eat it.”

An amused smile tugged at the corner of his full lips.

“He’s going to be very disappointed in a minute when I tell him he’s not allowed to!”

Pearl self-consciously raised a hand to her double loops and dropped her eyes to the ground again, her cheeks turning even rosier with embarrassment.

“Hush now, boy, I can only relay one message at a time!” The boy peered down at Constantine, who was still yapping insistently. “I’ll tell her, all right? Give me a moment!”

Pearl tilted her head to the side and regarded the English youth strangely. While she’d seen and heard many pet owners talking to their animals, this particular lad literally appeared to be having a conversation with his, as though he could truly understand whatever the snowy pup was trying to convey!

“Ahem. My runaway canine insists that I tell you something else,” the boy murmured, looking her right in the eyes this time, despite the high color mounting on his cheeks. “He says that he meant no offense with the pretzel comment because he loves them; they’re his favorite treat, and that hairstyle suits you perfectly. And, um … Constantine also wants me to tell you…”

He cleared his throat nervously.

“…that he thinks you’re the prettiest girl he’s ever seen in his whole life.”

Pearl’s cheeks warmed again, this time with bashful pleasure, and she peeked up at the boy through her lashes.

“Please tell Constantine I said thank you and that he’s quite the charming little gentleman poodle.”

“Bichon Frise actually … Gentleman…Gah!” The bloke groaned and clapped a hand to his face. “Beg your pardon … I cannot believe I have taken such leave of my manners and have been standing here, playing The Dog Whisperer with you, before I even introduced myself!”

He removed his hat then, and a shock of thick, sandy hair fell forward as he bowed ever so slightly.

“It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Miss.” He replaced the cap on his head and beamed winsomely at her as he extended his hand. “My name is Luke Triton.”

“Luke!” Pearl gasped, forgetting to offer her own hand because she was so astounded. “You’re Luke? The Professor’s friend? You must know Mystic Maya then!”

“I do indeed…” Luke studied her intently, his gaze falling on her magatama, which was peeking from beneath her jacket, and a broad smile of recognition crept across his adorable face. “You must be Pearl, Maya’s cousin!”

She nodded, finally recovering enough to offer him her hand now. He clasped it firmly, holding it in both of his own while continuing to smile warmly at her. She couldn’t help but flush some more at the contact with his skin. His touch was so warm!

“I am so delighted to meet you at last,” Luke enthused. “I knew you and your cousin were coming this afternoon, and I fully intended to be at the Professor’s house to greet you lovely ladies. However, at the last minute, Constantine’s owner, Barnham, decided to rope me into pet sitting for the weekend, while he whisked his girlfriend away to Paris because he wanted to surprise propose to her at the Eiffel Tower. He didn’t show up until half-past five, the git! And then, as soon as the pup and I got to the cottage, the little scoundrel ran off on me! I’ve been chasing him for the better part of an hour, if not more!”

He reluctantly released her hand and frowned at his watch.

“Oh dear, longer than that! It’s almost half past seven now!”

“Please tell me you’re kidding!” Pearl buried her face in her hands. “I’ve been gone so much longer than I planned to be! Mystic Maya is going to kill me! I’d only planned to take a short little stroll, but I somehow got lost, you see, and was so scared I’d never find my way back! Lucky for me that Constantine came along when he did…”

“Well, I’m quite chuffed myself! You poor thing; that must have been quite nerve-wracking, losing your path in a strange country, in the middle of nowhere.”

“I’m not normally this careless,” she admitted sheepishly. “I could have sworn I was following the stone path to the river that the Professor told me about, but the woods are just so beautiful, and I guess I just got distracted and started letting my mind wander … I don’t know. Anyway, thanks so much for coming to my rescue, Luke.”

“A gentleman is always glad to help out a damsel in distress!” He flashed a cheeky grin. “Although, I can’t take credit fully. It’s a good thing this little scamp here was being so mischievous and decided to make me go chase after him!”

“You adorable little troublemaker!” Pearl crouched down and scooped the dog back up into her arms. Constantine responded by licking her nose. “Ooooh, I just love him to pieces! You say he’s not normally this friendly with strangers?”

“Not at all.” Luke shook his head. “He belongs to the former knight, Zacharias Barnham, and was trained to be a little warrior pup! Even though the Labyrinthian knights have since disbanded, he’s still always instinctively poised to strike! I guess old habits die hard. Moreover, we can’t get him to relinquish that helmet! He whimpers and cries if you try to remove it!”

He chuckled then.

“I guess Mr. Wright didn’t fill you in on how many times Constantine tried to make a snack out of him during his and Maya’s last couple of visits!”

“Constantine bit Mr. Nick?!” Pearl barely suppressed a smirk.

Humph! Serves him right! I love this little guy even more now!

“Repeatedly!” Luke’s dark eyes danced with laughter. “This is a rare case of his bite being worse than his bark, trust me!”

The two began to head back in the direction of the cottage, chatting idly and freely, as though they’d known one another for years. It turned out that Luke really could speak to animals of all shapes and sizes, and was further honing his skills taking linguistics. She suspended all disbelief and instinctively knew he was telling the truth – after all, she could communicate with ghosts … were animals honestly so farfetched?

Now that she was no longer lost, Pearl delighted in rediscovering the charm of the enchanted forest, complete with fireflies resembling twinkling fairy lights among the trees. Fallen leaves skittered over the ground, taking brief flights into the air. As she raised her eyes to the sky and tossed her head back, a smile illuminated her face. The branches engaged in a mesmerizing, chaotic dance, while the presence of Luke at her side allowed her previously frayed mind to unwind. A newfound happiness welled up from within, and the light she had concealed began to seep through her pores

If she had overcome all of her shyness at this point in front of the handsome teen at her side, she might have twirled like a carefree child, arms outstretched and fingers splayed. However, she opted for restraint, hands tucked into her pockets, finding solace in the profound inhalation of nature’s sweet aromas. The gentle winds bore the woodland fragrance, reminiscent of Kurain and the essence of her childhood.

The psychic was so busy gazing up at the trees at one point that she somehow missed a rock in her path and stumbled slightly, nearly falling face-first onto the ground. Fortunately, Luke quickly reached out and caught the red-cheeked lass in his arms just in time. He didn’t let go of her right away, either.

Pearl caught her breath as she gazed up into the orbs that were once again, intently staring back into hers, feeling as though time had stood still right then. Luke’s orbs, acorn-hued and just luminous enough to gleam in the shadows, had her captivated. Up until now, she’d kept her gaze on the ground or tilted skyward, avoiding direct contact. Yet, with his hands securely on her waist, she was brave enough to meet them without aversion anymore, and a shiver of golden light raced down her spine.

She’d never felt like this before.

Constantine barked then, as though urging them to keep moving. The spell was broken, and both Pearl and Luke were blushing furiously as they finally parted and continued walking along. She didn’t mind too much though. With Luke Triton by her side, she felt like she was walking on a cloud.

Pearl Fey and Luke Triton
London, England
May 4, 2025, 12:05 PM

Luckily for Pearl, she had merely been subjected to the mildest of reprimands, as Maya had been too ecstatic about being reunited with Luke and Constantine again to be too angry with her. Once the new friends had arrived at the cottage, just after 8:00, Longines had been there to join them for the delicious supper. The five of them had enjoyed a splendid evening, with the teens staying up late chatting until near dawn in front of the fireplace.

The billionaire, of course, had tried to have the three of them sleep at a hotel, but Layton had insisted they stay with him. Ultimately, nobody wanted to separate the two lovebirds, even for a night – both adolescents were so obviously, adorably besotted that only a heartless monster would have tried to interfere with the blossoming romance, which was beyond heartwarming to spectate.

It scored the blond man a few extra brownie points in Pearl’s books when he’d at last relented and agreed to spend the night. Eventually, the hair heir and Maya retired to the two small guest rooms just after midnight. The English lad had eventually passed out on the sofa, and the younger Fey had crawled into bed with Maya just as the sunrise came up, snatching just a couple of hours of sleep before the Professor and Luke would take the girls sightseeing during the day while Longines attended business matters.

Maya and Layton had tactfully opted to take a separate capsule to allow the teens some privacy when the four of them went to ride London’s number one tourist attraction, The London Eye. Pearl’s doe orbs were the size of saucers as she peered up at the enormous Ferris wheel, which Luke boasted would give them a stupendous view of the South Bank of the River Thames, from a height of 135 meters!

“That’s 443 feet tall, for you Americans,” he joked, oblivious to the color draining from Pearl’s face.

“Wow…that sure is high, isn’t it?” She smiled weakly and tried not to let her anxiety be too apparent.

The spirit medium had never been on a ride such as this and was rather daunted at the prospect, although she certainly didn’t want her new friend thinking she was chicken! Luke was soooo cute, and more importantly,  the nicest boy she’d ever met. He was so excited about the prospect of playing tour guide and Pearl didn’t want him to think she was ungrateful, or anything but elated by the prospect of spending time with him. Therefore, she figured she’d be a big girl, and just suck it up!

Once they were inside the capsule, Luke continued to fill her ears with trivia.

“A ride on the London Eye takes 30 minutes, and it travels at a speed of about 0.6 miles per hour,” he told her. “And on a clear day like today, you can see as far as Windsor Castle!”

Pearl forgot about all her fearful height reservations as the wheel began moving and she saw the captivating view. She eagerly pressed her nose and hands up against the glass wall to watch. From her great vantage point so high above the ground, she saw the community in a new light. The whole metropolis spread beneath her like a living map and she squeed with glee.

Beneath them sprawled the city of London, a complex web of roads and railways resembling a labyrinth of cul-de-sacs. The houses and buildings mirrored miniature models on an architect’s street plan, with expanses of green and meticulously arranged rectangular parks. Lakes shimmered like oval face mirrors, and a river meandered slowly, akin to an ethereal gift from God. As far as the eye could discern, green woodland clumps with ragged edges stretched, intersected by arteriole roads resembling tarmac canals, miniature cars, church spires adorned with weather vanes, a patchwork of surrounding villages, and imposing smokestacks emitting silver plumes. Pearl sighed, captivated by the breathtaking panorama laid out before her.

Unknownst to her, a smiling Luke took this opportunity to bask in the pleasure of viewing his lovely companion. He was filled with unabashed admiration as he watched her visage light up with excitement as she soaked up the breathtaking bird’s eye view of the magnificent view below her. He had never, until then, experienced greater joy than witnessing that mesmerizing flicker of her beautiful eyes, which he hoped would never die.

Pearl exuded a refreshing lack of pretense, distinct from the glamorous city demeanor of girls Luke often encountered. Despite her innate beauty, she remained blissfully oblivious, radiating a shy, modest aura—a quality increasingly rare among young women. Her vitality was evident, and behind her subtly pursed lips, a perpetual, tempting smile lingered. This particular trait endeared her to him most.

In fact, he liked everything about her.

Occasionally, as if sensing his gaze, she would catch him looking, and Luke adeptly feigned indifference. Excessive interest, he feared, might send her fleeing. Yet, when their eyes met, he effortlessly wore a genuine smile. In those instances, a subtle blush graced her cheeks, and despite the many miles and continents that separated them, he’d allow his fanciful young mind to briefly imagine Pearl Fey someday being his girl. He certainly wasn’t in any rush, however; the small, remaining sane part of his mind forced him to acknowledge they had only just met.

Meanwhile, in his heart of hearts, he felt as though he’d known her forever.

Meeting you was like listening to a song for the first time and knowing it was going to be my favorite.

The air was sweet, and there was no hurry, Luke assured himself. His world had been cast anew, and he was going to savor each and every moment.

Maya Fey and Pearl Fey
Professor Layton’s House, England
May 5, 2025, 8:00 PM

“What do you mean I need to pack my bags and we’re leaving tomorrow?” Pearl wailed plaintively, uncaring if the Professor and Luke, who were cleaning up the dinner dishes in the kitchen, heard her dramatic outburst, which made it seem like the sky had fallen on her.

The Master let out a long-suffering sigh and looked helplessly at Longines, who stared back at her with an expression in his eyes that clearly stated: please don’t drag me into this!

“Pearly,” Maya began with exaggerated patience. “I thought I explained to you that Longines kindly extended this invite for us to accompany him to whatever countries he needs to go to for his business travels. This was supposed to be a Eurotrip, not an England trip! I understand you and Luke have… made friends and you don’t want to leave but there is still a whole slew of other countries across the Continent for us to see! Don’t you want to make the most of this trip and explore all of Europe? You don’t want to spend the entire two weeks here just in the UK, do you?”

The balky moue the teen shot back at her guardian made it evident that Pearl would’ve been jolly well content doing just that if it meant her new crush was by her side!

Maya groaned inwardly.

Teenagers!

She didn’t want to be the ogre to interfere with Pearl’s newfound romance – she was beyond overjoyed that her little girl was so happy; the teen deserved as such, after everything she’d been through. But on the other hand, she didn’t want to take advantage of Longines’ kindness and good nature. For a man who was used to five-star hotels and 1000 thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets, surely spending the last two nights on a lumpy mattress with an itchy wool blanket, in the Professor’s small guest room couldn’t have been too fun for him. Maya and Pearl were there on his dime, ergo he was the one technically in charge – something the smitten kitten seemed to have conveniently overlooked!

“Come on, Pearly! Tomorrow we’re going to France! It will be so much fun!” Maya coaxed. “We can stop in Paris, and see the Louvre, and then Longines has exclusive premiere tickets for us all to see a way cool, unreleased foreign flick at the Cannes Film Festival…”

“I don’t care!” Pearl retorted, folding her arms across her chest in a huff. “I want to stay here in London! There’s still so much here to see!”

“Sweetie, we’ve already seen most of the sights! The Professor and Luke have taken us to Buckingham Palace, the Tower of London, and we’ve been on the Millennium Wheel…”

“But England has so much more to offer than just that, Maya,” Luke interrupted suddenly, blushing to the roots of his hair at having been caught eavesdropping. “I so wanted to take Pearl on a trip to see Windsor Castle, Stonehenge, and Oxford! Please, I humbly request that you allow her to stay. There are a lot more sights I want her to see…  and I shall still ensure she gets the most out of Europe! We can all go to France tomorrow – it’s a mere day trip for us, as it’s right next door, and you and Longines can enjoy Cannes, whilst I tour her around Paris. After that, however, I can still take her around Europe! I can show her majestic castles, gardens, and sights in Scotland, as well as in Wales…”

“Oh, that sounds marvelous!” Pearl’s eyes lit up. “See, Mystic Maya? I’m still going to explore Europe! That’s four countries right there! And admit it, you and Longines will have so much more fun without me tagging along, anyway!”

“It’s not a problem if she wants to stay, Maya,” Layton reassured her. “Pearl is an utter delight to have around, and I must say, I’m biased, but I do love the idea of her further soaking more cultural knowledge of our Mother country. I’ll be busy this week doing some work for the Crown in the daytime, so it would be the perfect opportunity for Luke to show Pearl around. And there’s more than enough room for them to stay here at the house…”

“I’d sleep in the other guest room, of course,” Luke added quickly, his eyes pleading. “Please say yes.”

Pearl was all but wringing her hands as her imploring gaze swung back and forth between Longines and Maya, flashing her best puppy-dog eyes, which she’d inherently gotten from her cousin, circa-legal assistant, “burgers and Steel Samurai movies”… courtesy of Phoenix, days!

Constantine whimpered then and affixed his button eyes on Maya as well, mimicking the teenagers’ pleading expressions, while literally giving the Master his puppy-dog eyes!

The necromancer was wavering. There were few people in the world she’d trust her little girl with, save for Layton. Besides, she knew Luke would be nothing but a perfect gentleman. Moreover, it was true … she and Longines would have a better chance to explore and get to know one another if the need to play chaperone was taken off their plates!

“Maya, it’s no imposition for me either,” the hair heir offered, flashing a discreet wink at the girl. “I need to come back through London again anyway, as our last stop, so it’s not a bother to come and fetch Pearl en route – and I couldn’t say no to the chance to enjoy another one of the Professor’s hearty, home-cooked English meals, to boot!”

Maya barely stifled a pained moan.

Ugh, traditional British fare is the one thing I won’t miss in the least! 

As hard as it was to believe, her second visit to the UK had made her realize there were certain foods even her gluttonous self had zero desire to encounter, ever again! Her stomach still lurched as she recalled the nightmare of crispy pig’s head, steak, and kidney pie, and blood pudding! She’d rather revert to the detestable vegetarian lifestyle favored by Kurain than ever again encounter on her dinner plate anything with a face, or food that entailed animal organs or blood of any sort!

Pearl shot a tentative, grateful, and sincere smile – her first one ever – in Longines’ direction before turning it towards her kinswoman, changing it to a hopeful one yet again.

The raven-haired beauty sighed. There was no way she could resist the adorable Constantine’s begging puppy-dog face. Not when it was coupled with two sets of pleading puppy-dog

eyes from a couple of crazy kids who were utterly, hopelessly, in the fledgling stages of puppy love!

Jeez, now I can see why Nick was such a pushover and could never deny us anything whenever Pearly and I tag-teamed him! And that was without Constantine in the mix! I stand less of a chance than that poor sucker ever did!  

Resistance was futile. The tables were turned, and now it was Maya’s turn to be the world-class marshmallow.

“Wellll … as long as it’s OK with Longines and the Professor and you swear to me you’ll be on your best, ladylike behavior, Pearly … I can’t think of any reason to say no,” Maya conceded, flashing a wry smile as the two teenagers let out a triumphant whoop and exchanged high-fives. “Which also means I’m holding you to that gentleman’s clause as well, Mr. Triton!”

“I’d expect no less, my good lady!” Luke beamed, removing his cap and bowing slightly. “Tomorrow, the Professor is back to work but for the four of us…  France, here we come!”

Maya Fey and Longines Beaugosse
Cannes Film Festival, France
May 6, 2025

Maya and Longines were both dressed to the nines for that night’s movie premiere of Boules de Fromage, as it appeared that everyone seemed to look like a Hollywood star at these events –unless her eyes were deceiving her, she could have sworn she saw Johnny Depp and Roman Polansky exiting from their limos!

Her excitement from the celebrity sighting helped vanquish the churning in her stomach and aftertaste in her mouth – despite swishing it with copious amounts of champagne – from that night’s dinner. To think, she’d been internally grumbling about British fare! Give her bloody sausages any day compared to what she’d been subjected to in the name of gourmet fare at the snooty restaurant Longines had taken her to before arriving at the festival.

Her companion had needed to order for them both, as he was fluent in French and Maya didn’t know a lick of it. She’d tried – but had only succeeded in uttering: “Votre mère est une vache.”

It had been an honest mistake.

Maya knew vache meant cow. However, her lame attempt to order some sort of dead bovine on a plate had only resulted in telling their scandalized server: “Your mother is a cow!”

To make matters work, her flub had made Longines laugh until his eyes had watered, resulting in the psychic getting a massive stink-eye from the affronted Frenchman for the rest of the night!

Dinner had consisted of an appetizer called Farandole d’escargots et quenelles de volaille à la moutarde de Charroux, which Pierre the waiter had insisted was “juste par gourmandize!”  This was to be followed by the main course, cuisses de grenouille, sautéed cerveaux.  

The slighted maître d’hôtel had obviously intended to punish the Yankee Philistine in their midst for the unintended slur about his mother since the meal had turned out to be Farandole snails and chicken dumplings with mustard of Charroux… with frog legs and fried cow brains!

To beg for a good old-fashioned burger would have been gauche – not to mention it would have made the psychic seem even more like an ungrateful and rude, “imbecile American! Therefore, she’d had no choice but to daintily peck and swallow her food with the minimal chewing possible, and then move it around her plate to give the illusion of eating it. Somehow, she’d been lucky enough to discreetly manage to spit out the slimy brains into her napkin when Longines’ head was turned, (what was with Europeans eating various animal organs!) claiming all this overseas travel and time difference had made her eat like a bird.

Maya thought her acting skills that night were worthy of any they would be seeing on the silver screen – it had taken every ounce of her willpower not to gag or vomit – she didn’t want to risk ruining her artfully applied makeup! Instead, she’d guzzled the bubbly, pigged out on the breadbasket and cheese (gross and peculiar food aside, France did boast the best cheese and champagne she’d ever had in her life!), and dove headfirst into dessert, a perfectly heavenly lemon soufflé, sweetened with homemade lemon pastry cream.

Longines, looking like Tinsel Town perfection himself in a black tuxedo, with his hair neatly pulled back in a ponytail for the evening, had insisted on splurging for his date’s outfit for the event.

The Master was donned in sparkling gemstones at her ears and throat and wore elbow-length satin gloves with her long, strapless, black velvet Christian Dior gown. The scarlet of her evening bag, rhinestone Louboutin stilettos, and lipstick were all perfectly matched. Red lipstick was the signature glam look of French women, her makeup artist at the salon where Longines and she had gotten their hair done, had informed her. Maya’s long onyx hair had been artfully braided into a French plaited updo, and together, they made quite the striking pair of head turners – some photographers on the red carpet had taken their photographs, and even mistaken them for celebrities!

The psychic, who was quite drunk on champagne at this point, was therefore quite merry indeed as she smiled and waved at the flashing cameras pointed at them, just like a Hollywood Starlet. She even allowed Longines to laughingly pose the two of them into a melodramatic embrace, dipping her down over his arm and lowering his head, as though leaning in for a kiss, pausing just inches from her lips, just as the flashes went off, then raised her back up again, smiling mischievously.

“Hell, let’s give them something to talk about!” He quipped. “Tomorrow, when they go over their pictures and see ours, they’ll realize that the best-tressed folks here at the festival are just a boring hair tycoon and necromancer and dispose of them, surely!”

“There goes my dream of having my photo in the international news!” Maya giggled as she allowed him to escort her to their seats.

The name of the film was odd but she knew the French could be delightfully eccentric and lax with sexuality censoring – hello, this was a country where the restricted erotic film, 50 Shades of Grey was only rated for ages 12 and up! Longines had laughingly assured her this was a “tasteful, artsy film” and no, it was not named because of some sort of pornographic content that would involve any kind of dairy products coming into contact with spherical objects of the male nether regions!

Somewhat disappointed by this information, Maya nevertheless vowed to watch the flick with an open mind. However, as the movie went on, the tipsy Master began to conclude that the film, which in English, translated to Cheesy Balls was quite aptly named!

Until then, she’d reckoned that she’d done enough hard time enduring The English Patient, a film so monotonous that she’d secretly been screaming at the main character to just die already! OK, maybe it hadn’t been completely inward … she may have screamed it at the screen about two hours in! Phoenix had been pretty pissed at her for that, berating his then-assistant for her inability to appreciate Oscar-winning films, instead of just movies with things that blew up all the time! In response, Maya told her boss that he was fired from choosing movie rentals for the next millennium!

Score one for England …not only for more tolerable cuisine … but also movies, where they often merely bored her to death but didn’t leave her aggravated and bewildered!

Cheesy wasn’t the word for it! Like a rotten, moldy cheese left festering for too long, it flat-out… stunk! 
Just call in Pepe the Skunk already – this is pure eu de pew! 

The characters spoke so quickly she could only understand the simplest words and expressions, such as oui and pardon, Madame. The subtitles didn’t help either, because the plot of the movie was so strange. As far as Maya could tell, all the characters believed they were in purgatory, although to her it looked just like the inside of a doctor’s waiting room. Occasionally, a nurse would call someone’s name, and that person would look shocked and begin talking morosely about his childhood. Then the scene would switch to someone’s apartment, and the characters would begin to talk about opera and the family’s cheese-making factory (well that explained the fromage component of the movie name!)  It didn’t make any sense at all!

To make matters worse, every once in a while, a little red ball would roll across whatever room the characters were in (and there was the balls title explanation!) No one in the film seemed to notice it. It just made the whole thing seem even weirder. Maya didn’t get the symbolism of the damn ball any more than she’d understood the damn floating plastic bag in the film American Beauty!

In conclusion, she decided the French, the creators of creepy-ass mimes, when it came to the arts, were simply shit-whistlingly insane, not only for their dubious choices in haute cuisine but also for their idea of what an avant-garde film was! 

Luckily, they were only in France for that night and would be off to the next country – and adventure – tomorrow. Maya could hardly wait.

Oh Pearly, I hope you and Luke are having a better time in Paris than I am in Cannes …

Elvis Presley – I Can’t Help Falling In Love