68 Unanticipated Hiccoughs

“Changes and new interests characterize the time periods ahead of us unknowingly.”

Fredgeworth/ Magshoe
Von Karma Estate, Germany/Gumshoe Penthouse, Los Angeles
January 2, 2025/January 1, 2025

It was the first time in what seemed like forever that something nice had happened between them.

Miles was still grinning broadly as Franziska was still tittering slightly for a few good moments after the call with their friends ended. They both smiled at one another, and a lovely feeling of uncustomary warmth was exchanged between the two.

The fun, light-hearted chat with Phoenix and Maya had been just what the doctor ordered. The chess lover couldn’t recall the last time either he or his fiancée had enjoyed a much-needed bout of laughter such as this, never mind having it together like this.

The silver-haired Frau was the first to break the spell, as she suddenly jolted forward with a look of discomfort while clutching her abdomen. The barrister reflexively reached out his hand, wanting to convey his concern and offer some sort of comfort, but she shook her head and leaned back in her chair. He could still see the inquietude in her mien as she resorted to taking short, labored breaths while slumping back and rubbing her belly, both of them falling silent as they stared at the now inactive computer screen, then one another, before quickly looking away.

The festive holiday game of catch-up had been wonderfully unexpected but was over far too quickly for his liking. Now that it was over, neither of them was sure what to say or do. Miles was loathed to lose the merry spirits their friends had left them with just yet and desperately wished to hold on to this moment of unprecedented joy just a little bit longer.

“I see that Gumshoes online too,” he noted hopefully, noting the time on the computer. “I suppose since we already gave New Year’s salutations to Wright and Miss Fey that it would only be prudent to do the same for them. Perhaps we should give them a quick video call as well, to wish them Happy New Year … it’s still the first of the month in California for another half hour.”

Franziska nodded, blowing out slowly through her mouth as she rubbed her temple with one hand and her belly with the other, although looking grateful for the suggestion.

“Yes, we may as well divulge our big news to them, since the proverbial cat is out of the bag and Phoenix and Maya know already … word does travel fast.”

“Indeed, considering they are all in the same building at the moment, with only 23 floors separating them.”

Miles pulled up a chair next to his fiancée, both of them waiting expectantly for the call on the other end to be answered. A moment later, their former subordinate answered, his broad frame filling the entire video monitor, only slightly bigger than the ear-to-ear grin on his face at the sight of his former bosses.

“Mr. Edgeworth! Sir! This is a pleasant surprise! Happy New Year!”

“Happy New Year to you too, Gumshoe,” Franziska and Miles chorused, just as the ex-detective turned his head from the screen and hollered over his shoulder. “Maggey! Honey, get over here! You’ll never believe who is on Skype right now!”

“Must you be so loud, Dick?” The brunette exclaimed, coming over to the monitor and frowning at her husband. “It’s almost midnight – you’ll wake up Gordy!” Then she turned her head to the camera, and a look of stunned delight flickered on her sweet face as her hands flew to her mouth. “My goodness, this is a wonderful surprise! Happy New Year, you guys!”

“Happy New Year, Maggey,” the couple replied warmly.

“I’m sorry our son is in bed already, so he can’t thank you directly, but I wanted to let you know that Gordy loved the robot model kit you sent him for Christmas! Thank you so much,” the former policewoman gushed, her eyes glowing. “And Dick and I are so excited about the golfing lessons you signed us up for at our Country Club.”

The prosecutor crossed his arms and smirked.

“I figure between Wright mastering his chess game on his new board and you two picking up some putting pointers from the pros whilst I’m away, I shall ensure I have worthy oppositions for my two favorite pastimes for when I return to the States!”

“How are things in Europe?”  The big lug asked. “Or is it Asia? I can never keep track of your whereabouts, sir! Although I suppose that’s the whole point of being a top-secret undercover Interpol agent, right?”

“We’re home in Germany for the holidays, and all is quite well,” Miles replied. “How are you enjoying your retirement? Have you been keeping him out of trouble, Maggey?”

“Well, about my retirement…” Gumshoe smiled sheepishly and scratched the back of his head. “I sort of have some big news to tell the two of you in that regard … let’s just say I’m not sure how much free time I’m going to have on the greens nowadays because as of next week, I’m back on the police force!”

There was a moment of stillness as the news sunk in that a man who had achieved wealth beyond his wildest dreams was forgoing his luxe life of financial freedom to return to a lifestyle and salary that had barely afforded him instant noodles.

The future mother’s eyes were wide with shock, while her fiancé was rendered speechless.

Egad! Miles thought in disbelief. Just when I was starting to sleep better at night, knowing the world’s most bumbling flatfoot was no longer on-street duty trying to ‘protect and serve’… he goes and does this?!

“This is certainly most… unexpected!” Franziska finally exclaimed, breaking the silence. “Meaning  you shall be going back to being our favorite Detective then?”

Miles tried to speak lightly.

“Also, does this mean, upon my arrival back in Los Angeles, that I will have a certain scruffy assistant as my right-hand man again?”

Gumshoe chuckled.

“Sorry to disappoint you, Mr. Edgeworth and Sir, but your days of cracking that whip over me and cutting my salary are long gone! I’m not going back to the force as a homicide detective this time – I’m the precinct’s newly appointed Chief of Police!”

“Mostly a desk job,” Maggey added with a grin. “So I needn’t worry about him out there risking his life and limb apprehending criminals and thugs! This means I can sleep at night!”

Knowing Gumshoe’s bumbling self will not be out there attempting to protect and serve, I know that I, too, will resume sleeping better with this additional knowledge! Miles added silently to himself.

“Well, congratulations to you indeed.” Franziska attempted to smile even while trying to stifle a pained wince while rubbing her lower back. “While we’re on the topic of news to be shared, we have some of our own as well.”

“Pess unwittingly outed us to Wright and Miss Fey while we were Skyping them earlier,” Miles informed them dryly. “Hence, you may as well hear it from us than through the grapevine. Franziska and I are expecting.”

“Congratulations!” Boomed Gumshoe, disregarding his wife’s earlier plea to keep his volume down due to their sleeping son. “I’m so happy for you both!”

“This is so wonderful! Congratulations indeed!” Maggey clasped her hands to her chest with glee. “I wish I could be there to rub your belly, Sir! Stand up, let us have our first look at the future baby Edgeworth!”

Franziska gave a strained smile and with one hand clutching her back and the other bracing herself against the computer desk, hesitantly got up from her seat and protectively placed a hand on her extended belly.

“We’re giving a girl,” she told the couple. “In two months.”

“Just one girl?” Gumshoe was startled. “Gee, Sir, I thought you were having twins! Or were ready to pop any day now, from the looks of you!”

Gumshoe, you uncouth swine! Miles fumed inwardly while bracing himself for impact as his fiancée’s eyes narrowed into slits. The glare she shot at the big man on the screen was so lethal if looks could kill, their anterior underling would have been deemed worm chow!

“Eep!” The big man squeaked in terror, as though forgetting her whip couldn’t strike him through the screen.

“You dim-witted fool!” Franziska exploded and sat back down quickly, crossing her arms across her chest and hunching forward, as though trying to obstruct her belly from view. “Have you been talking to the other foolish fool, Phoenix Wright just before we called you? He also made a similar, foolish assumption! I can only assume it is either as such or that this is a sign you have been spending too much time in each other’s foolish presence!”

“Dick, what in the name of Christ is wrong with you, you mealy-mouthed nitwit?” Maggey demanded, putting her hands on her hips and scowling at her husband. “How could you even say such a thing?! She’s not that big! Don’t you remember how huge I was when I was pregnant with Gordy?”

“S – Sorry honey, but that was different! Gordy was born a bigger than average infant … he was 11 pounds at birth and you needed a C-section for him!”

“The point is that I was still the size of a house when I was playing host to your Bullwinkle-headed baby, which I am still thanking the man upstairs I didn’t have to wind up pushing out of my hoo-ha, as it never would have recovered!” His wife scolded. “You don’t know how big a baby she’s carrying, so you shouldn’t say such foolish things!”

“B – but, Gordy was a big baby because I’m a big guy!” The ramen-lover protested, seeming to forget the expecting parents were still present. “Neither Sir nor Mr. Edgeworth is very large, so of course, I was wondering why she looked so big and swollen up like a hippo with a gland problem already!”

Miles cleared his throat.

“Is it possible to change subjects from the topic of my fiancée’s prenatal measurements?”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Edgeworth.” Gumshoe was shame-faced as he hung his head, then looked up guiltily at the still-fuming Franziska. “Apologies, Sir. I wasn’t trying to be rude. As a cop on the force, I’ve seen and dealt with my share of expecting mothers. Even helped deliver a couple in emergencies. I was just – worried, that’s all.”

“I sure hope you work on your communication skills before you go back on the force, Dick,” Maggey muttered before the other couple could reply. Then she smiled brightly. “However, if you don’t mind us asking, have you guys signed up for any Lamaze classes? They’re both great bonding experiences for the couples to do together and have the daddy feel more involved, especially the former!”

I would have been very open to taking the parenting classes, Miles lamented. But bonding with me hasn’t exactly been high on Franziska’s priority list!

“Of course not!” The German scoffed. “This child is half Von Karma after all, and will, therefore, be perfect, with no need to have some self-proclaimed birth experts with no medical certifications share their foolhardy drivel about how to make this baby’s life better with their conjectures. Nor am I in need of any foolish advice about how to make our daughter’s entrance into the world less painful. As a woman, I have accepted it is my lot in life to bear the discomfort of childbirth, and I have no fear of such. I am fully prepared to handle the discomfort with the strength and grit of my mother and all my ancestors before me – completely naturally and with no need for any sort of pain suppressant.”

“You mean you’re not going to take the drugs, Sir?” Maggey was astounded. “I was fully doped up before they realized I’d need a Caesarian …which definitely made it more bearable for me, but you’re obviously made from stronger stock than I am. Hell, you survived a gunshot, after all!”

“Hey, since you aren’t taking parental classes as we did, we can at least give you some first-hand parenting tips for when your little one arrives,” Gumshoe offered, completely unfazed by Franziska’s previous rant. “Number one, Mr. Edgeworth, I suggest you get a good burping towel to cover whatever it is you wear and reconsider wearing your nice pink suits around the baby for the first little while…”

Before the irate chess lover could object for the umpteenth time that his suit was not pink, it was magenta, his friend was already moving onto the topic of his cravat.

“Also, you may want to get rid of that fluttery napkin thingie you wear, because assuming the baby doesn’t grab your frills and nearly choke you in the process, it will at least wind up using it as their bib and personally ensure it won’t stay that spotless white for long!”

“He’s right, you know. Nothing white around a newborn,” Maggey grimaced. “It’s like the little bugger knows! And then takes aim…”

The barrister was astonished; he hadn’t given thought to his choice of attire around the baby at all.

“If I am not wearing my customary attire once I’m a new father, what would you suggest then?”

“Well, for the longest time, I had a special ‘baby spit-up’ trench coat,” Gumshoe informed them. “It was my own go-to, protective grownup raincoat/bib for handling whatever liquid or solid that came out of that little guy! One second…”

He walked away from the computer for a moment and then returned with his old, familiar battered green trench which had definitely seen better days.

The prosecutor was accustomed to seeing the normal tears and stains on it, but as his friend held it up to the camera, he was appalled to see various whitish and yellow ones as well that he didn’t recall ever seeing when Gumshoe had been on the force!

“Ngh! What are those?!”

“These are my battle scars of fatherhood,” the veteran dad stated proudly. “Sure, you can try to wipe off or dry-clean the baby drool or puke, but once your hands are full, or your partner isn’t around to pass the baby to while you go clean it off, it just isn’t possible. And as you can see…”

He pointed to one particular nasty-looking snot-colored stain.

“…Some puke stains just don’t come off! Ever! Imagine that on one of your fancy suits, Mr. Edgeworth.”

The tea drinker felt the blood completely drained from his face at the thought of his Italian, custom-tailored suits being subjected to such atrocities.

“Dick, why in the name of Blackbeard’s dandruff do you still have that filthy, grubby thing?” Maggey cried, looking mortified by her husband’s shameless display of show-and-tell to the still traumatized Miles and gobsmacked-looking Franziska. “I thought you got rid of all your old trench coats save for your silky-lined, designer ones!”

“This one has sentimental value, honey,” her spouse insisted, clutching the coat protectively. “It’s like a prized memento of my first days of fatherhood!”

“Days?” Miles echoed weakly. “All that mess was created on your coat…within… days?”

Both Gumshoes ignored the question as the future Police Chief continued gazing at his wife, his expression now tender.

“Besides, honey…” he added softly. “If we’re going to make little Gordy’s Christmas wish come true, won’t you be happy I’ll still have this, as it will be much needed again?”

Maggey nodded shyly and blushed a tad as she turned back at her friends.

“Gordy asked for a little brother or sister for Christmas,” she explained with a bashful smile. “We’re working on making that wish come true.”

“Best of luck in that,” the future father replied, clearing his throat while attempting to brain bleach his mind from the disturbing visions of that defiled trench coat. “And, er, much obliged for the additional parental insight, at any rate…”

His wary tone was impossible to miss, and Maggey smiled reassuringly at the prosecutors as she wrapped her arms around her husband’s broad neck from behind and dropped her chin on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry if all this raw talk about baby messes, other than the expected diaper variety, was a bit much for you guys,” she said kindly. “But believe me, while babies are loud and noisy and messy as all holy hell, they’re also adorable and squishy and give you the most rewarding experience of your lives!”

“However…” Gumshoe added, unwrapping himself from his wife’s embrace and dropping a kiss atop her head before picking up the camera then and walking into the living room area. “Just so you know, the stains and messes aren’t always limited to your clothing! There is nothing sacred, including the couches!”

He zoomed the camera in on the stylish suede sofa arm and pulled back the matching-colored suede arm draping, revealing a huge whitish stain underneath.

“A puke stain we missed that we can’t get out no matter how hard we’ve tried, although we did manage to get the smelly scent out,” he sighed. “You may want to consider plastic-wrapping all of your fine furniture at least … until the kid’s in college!”

Franziska giggled softly at that one, but Miles was in no laughing mood, the new police chief had unwittingly triggered a very recent memory for him, and with it, an even more horrible notion.

“Nothing is sacred, including the couches…”

Gumshoe’s harmless, well-intended parenting advice was now producing an image even more harrowing than the terrible trench coat.

“…A certain someone completely wore me out earlier all afternoon and evening…. “

Snippets of Phoenix’s way too revealing disclosures of shared debauchery with Maya, which he’d unknowingly shared with the condo’s horrified owner, came flooding back to his mind like a deluge.

“…Little Miss Insatiable… You’re the one who jumped me right here on this very sofa…”

Couches… Stains … Scents … by the rood! Miles clapped a hand to his forehead in dismay at the realization. My handmade, custom-built, imported leather sofas….NGHOOOO! Forget merely burning my sheets and getting a new bed…thanks to Wright and Miss Fey’s incorrigible bunny rabbit tendencies, I’m going to need to re-furnish my entire living room!