161 Danger Zone

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never ever the same, and those are the ones we love. Love is the emblem of eternity: it confounds all notion of time: effaces all memory of a beginning, all fear of an end.

Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth
The Ballroom, Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel
June 16, 2026 10:15 PM

“You are what you drink!” The now officially tipsy hobo announced with a slight hiccup as he leaned back heavily against the bar, where he and the magenta-clad lawyer beside him had remained stationed for the past quarter hour.

“How you’re drinking a cocktail with such a ludicrous moniker is beyond me, Wright,” the prosecutor said wryly, still swirling the contents of his own not quite consumed, less undignified-named concoction. “Considering you were initially looking for something other than A Night in Hell to be a new vespertide commemoration?”

“Once again, I’m sorry I couldn’t fulfill that initial drink request, considering I’m the one who mentioned it!” The bartender inserted apologetically. “I swear it wasn’t because of delayed embarrassment due to the corny and inappropriate name! It was honestly because of my shortage of amaretto – the ladies seem to have all simultaneously stumbled upon the discovery that mixing it with OJ tastes just like Jolly Rancher candy!”

“No problem! You’re not the deviant who named your first cocktail suggestion Three-Legged Monkey!”

The pianist smiled benevolently at the mixologist, tossed back the remains of his glass, and flashed Edgeworth a dopey grin as he raised his empty tumbler in a mock salute.

“I humbly asked the nice mixologist for a cocktail that’d be a nod to primates, so I could raise a glass to Jylan, the true unsung hero of the evening, for taking Mildew down a few pegs via justice by flatus! Failing that, I assure you that my backup drink is still rather fitting, as this entire evening since we got here feels like it’s been nothing more than A Slow Comfortable Screw … You, Phoenix Wright!”

“As much as I can sympathize with how your self-esteem has taken a beating tonight, I adamantly insist Maya did so entirely by accident,” the prosecutor told him firmly. “That woman loves you just as madly as you do her! While we all know that despicable, frizzy-haired quidnunc is utterly déclassé, boorish and her merciless rancor was probably fueled by petty jealousy, by the same token, I’d bet my prized tea set collection that it  was never your girlfriend’s intent to slight you whatsoever whilst she was singing praises for the Butz during her speech!”

Up until then, Phoenix had neither voiced aloud his reasons for suffering the ruthless battering his pride had endured thus far, nor the fact that said bludgeoned ego was precisely the reason why he was currently drowning his sorrows along with his still heartbroken former courtroom rival at the bar. He shook his head ruefully at his brother from another mother’s unwavering intuitiveness to whatever he was feeling.

Yes, it’s true, Lotta Hart is nothing more than a gossipy troublemaker and I shouldn’t have let her get to me like this! Also, this is why Miles Edgeworth will forever be the best friend I’ll ever have in my entire life! I really can get through anything with him by my side – heck, I’d be content to just remain here at the bar with him for the rest of the damn night!

The two childhood comrades stood side-by-side in companionable silence for a moment, with their muscular arms folded across their broad chests, blissfully unaware of what a becoming portrait the two of them presented together. Both were tall, dark, and handsome, equally dressed smartly, albeit similar yet separate in appearance and stature, which simultaneously contrasted and complemented one another so beautifully, they were catching many admiring glances from most of the single and attached women in the room.

“I suppose I should congratulate you for making it through your first Earthquake completely unscathed, my friend!” Phoenix said at last as Edgeworth drained his tumbler.

“Actually, it’s my second Tremblement de Terre this evening, but who’s counting?” Edgeworth smirked and signaled to the bartender for another absinthe and cognac mixture. “Either way, I’m all shaken up!”

The two men shared a semi-drunken guffaw, as though the DA had just made the funniest joke in the world.

“There you are, pal!” A loud male voice boomed suddenly. “You’ve been gone for ages! Your other half was about to send out a search party!”

The two men jolted at the sight of the police Chief’s wide frame towering over them, a relieved smile on his face.

“I’ve hardly been hiding, Gumshoe!” The poker champ flushed guiltily. “I’ve been standing here this whole time!”

“Yes, after telling Maya you were only going to the bathroom!” The big man waved a finger at his friend in mock disapproval. “She sent me to come after you as she was afraid you may have fallen in – or worse, left without her!”

“I’m sorry she was worried.” Phoenix shuffled his feet uncomfortably. “I could hardly tell her that I just felt the sudden need to – keep Edgeworth company! Er, you know, since he was technically my original plus one for this whole shindig!”

“Excellent ploy, using me as your sordid excuse for bailing on your date, Sir Baron of Bluffing!” The prosecutor muttered under his breath, then smiled crookedly at Gumshoe. “And what can we order for you, kind sir?”

“Nothing more for me, thanks. I’m driving tonight. I finished off my sole glass of champagne as part of the toast to the newlyweds when they had their first dance! “From This Moment” is such a beautiful song, and after suffering through Lotta’s previous warbling, ear-bleeding, croak-fest, it couldn’t have come soon enough!”

Gumshoe wriggled his animated brows at the bibacious duo, before looking pointedly at the normally staid prosecutor.

“Although to be honest Mr. Edgeworth, it looks like you’ve had enough already!”

Before the surly lawyer could respond, the speakers began blaring the famous Beyoncé track, “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)”, signaling that the bride was preparing to toss her bouquet.

Back at the table, as the sole unmarried ladies there (since Sister Bikini and Matilda had politely declined to join the rest of the single ladies already forming up), Maya and Pearl eagerly rose from their seats.

“One of us is catching that bouquet tonight, Pearly!” The Burger Queen declared firmly. “We deserve a little bit of good luck, after everything we’ve endured en route to this event! I am prepared to pack a Pink Princess punch to anyone who dares get in our way!”

“Good luck Maya – you keep your eyes on that prize!” The happily married Regina beamed sunnily. “You too, Pearl!”

“I definitely wouldn’t mind catching it!” Pearl batted her lashes at her boyfriend, towards whom she’d somewhat thawed out. “Wouldn’t that be fun, Luke?”

The poor English lad had just taken a large bite of dessert, foraged from the recently brought out late-night junk-food stand, and as he was too polite to speak with his mouth full – not that he would have known how to respond to the loaded question anyway! – merely smiled uncertainly in response.

His girlfriend, of course, took this as yet another example of his lack of wedding enthusiasm, and simply stormed away, while sniffing a haughty “humph!” for emphasis.

Max sympathetically eyed the youth, who of course, had managed to swallow a split-second too late as he stared with dismay at Pearl’s retreating form.

“That was super awkward! I’ve heard how you’ve been digging your own grave with your better half the entire evening, sweetie! All I can say is – yikes! Good luck finding your way out of this one!”

Luke could only emit a loud groan in reply as he slumped defeatedly in his seat.

“I remember Franziska nearly steamrolled you at my wedding in her efforts to ensure she was the one who caught the wedding bouquet, Maya!” Maggey giggled. “But you’ve toughened up a lot since then – and Pearl can give one of her patented slaps to anyone who tries to gyp either of you girls out those flowers!”

“I know I oughta be shutter buggin’ this here event, but I’ve been a spinster for a coon’s age, and I ain’t a spring chicken no more!” Lotta asserted to Jesse. “I do declare! Even a blind hog finds an acorn now and then, so ain’t no way Ima let an opportunity that’s as scarce as hen’s teeth to turn around my luck pass me by!”

The photographer unceremoniously yanked her camera strap off her neck and draped it on the startled videographer’s arm.

“Hey! What the –”

“Just make sure yew keep filmin’ no matter what, ya hear?”

Pushing up her sleeves, her hawk eyes zeroed in on the scattering gaggle of females forming up all in front of Iris, who was on the stage.

“This is gonna be as easy as sliding off a greasy log backward! Here comes a whole Lotta southern she-muscle, jezebels! Gangway!”

With that, the rambunctious redhead proceeded to steamroll into the large gathering of fervent, single women gamboling to the dance floor, shamelessly elbowing the outraged would-be bouquet-catchers infiltrating her path to ensure she was front and center, leaving the cameraman standing there with an expensive SLR camera dangling from one hand, his video camera in the other, and a pained, helpless expression.

The Chief’s wife sighed and was already rising from her chair, intending to relieve the flummoxed Jesse from the impossible double camera duty.

“Well, I can’t leave the poor kid double-fisting!” She joked to the others. “Since my husband has yet to return from tracking down the two missing BFFs, I suppose that leaves me with no choice but to be impromptu paparazzo for this event if Larry and Iris want to have pictures!”

Maggey’s gaze narrowed as she spotted the pushy, afro-haired wretch amongst the throng, vividly recalling the hurt she’d seen in Phoenix’s eyes when the bawdy journalist had spewed her malice.

“Hey, Maya?” She placed a halting hand on the spirit medium’s arm just as she was about to follow Pearl, a mean little smile on her normally innocent face.

“What’s up, Magpie?”

“If that snake in the grass attempts to thwart either one of you girls’ efforts out there, give her a patented
Maggey kick while you’re at it for me, would you please?”

“Git outta ma way, ya harlots!” Lotta was forcibly elbowing an outraged female guest in her immediate vicinity while forcibly bumping another affronted one away with her hip. “That bouquet is mine!”

“The sheathed claws tend to come out in even the most mild-mannered of ladies,” Edgeworth remarked idly. “Without fail, the axiomatic bridal bouquet toss, while never intending to bring out the alarmingly latent
Procrustean female tendencies, nevertheless seem to do so, without fail. I’ve seen it at every wedding I’ve ever been to, for reasons most unfathomable!”

“I know you can’t possibly be referring to Lotta, sir!” Gumshoe nearly snorted his soda. “Because that particular non-lady… is a tramp!”

Lotta Hart and Maya Fey
The Ballroom, Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel
June 16, 2026 10:20 PM

Maya gritted her teeth upon witnessing Lotta’s brazen shenanigans, noticing that her tiny daughter, who’d been harmlessly standing at the frontal sidelines, had just barely managed to duck in time from one of the journalist’s sharp jabs, and had almost bumped into the nearby table of late-night snacks from which Luke had just been enjoying.

The decadent junk-food buffet bore all of the Kurain leader’s personally selected favorite savory snacks: burger sliders and fries, hot dogs, corn dogs, pizza, Chinese noodles in mini takeout boxes, mini tacos, soft pretzels, mini ramekins of mac ‘n cheese, nachos, and mini grilled cheese sandwiches.

Hubba, hubba! Somebody pinch me! My mouth is positively watering at the sight of that spread, which I’m going to dive into headfirst, right afterward! There’s even a dessert food orgy right beside that heavenly smorgasbord! Oh myyyyy! Ice cream cones, popsicles, donuts or donut holes, mini milkshakes, milk and cookies, s’mores, root beer floats, churros…Woot! Since I can’t decide amongst the whole lot and have never been the discriminating type, I’m just going to have to help myself to one of each! But, first things first…

With a determined glint in her eye, the Master stalked up to the front and positioned herself firmly in between Lotta and Pearl, ensuring the petite teen was safely out of harm’s way from the overzealous hillbilly and raised her arms in anticipation, accidentally on purpose ensuring that her elbow whacked aside Lotta’s outstretched limbs as Iris turned her back to the group and prepared to toss the bouquet.

“Ready ladies?” The bride called. “1…2…3!”

There was a lot of excited crying out and shrieking as all the eager women clamored to get the airborne floral bunch, but the belliferous Lotta purposely jumped high to ensure the coveted flowers landed into her greedy paws, just as Pearl’s sweet face fell in disappointment.

The village leader balefully clenched her jaw and narrowed her eyes at the shit-disturbing interloper.

Oh no, you don’t, you Disco-Stu-haired, worm-ridden, snot-flicking, sphincter gurgler! Take that!

Regrettably for the she-devil, Maya Fey was every bit as devious as Lotta Hart was doughty, and, uncaring that both Maggey and Jesse were capturing every single moment on camera, the spirit medium strategically stuck out her foot to land in her rival’s path just as she landed back down on the floor from her elevated leap. The result was the bellowing Lotta tripping haphazardly over the Master’s Jimmy Choo stiletto, and the illicitly gained flowers sailing in the air once more.

Meanwhile, the group of women, who technically should have been able to break the rapidly descending fall (most of whom Lotta had assaulted during her bouquet-grabbing efforts) all conveniently bounded out of the way, resulting in there being no blockade whatsoever between the toppling journalist and impending disaster.

In the interim, doing a spectacular springing curvet of her own, that was worthy of any professional women’s volleyball league, the Kurain head then bunted the flying bouquet right at her daughter. The teenager caught the coveted florals and squealed elatedly as she clutched it to her chest.

“That’s my girl!” Phoenix cheered, momentarily forgetting his misery as admiration for his feisty girlfriend coursed through him. “Way to go, Maya!”

“And that’s my wife, catching every glorious moment on film!” Gumshoe reminded them proudly. “I’m sure Larry and Iris will be savoring that particular moment, over and over again, for years to come!”

This whole time, almost as if in slow motion, Lotta continued stumbling backward, with nothing behind her to break her fall, except for that sumptuous junk food buffet, overflowing with greasy, late-night munchies.

Including the imported cheese fountain from earlier on.

“Dagnabbit! Somebody hellllllllp!”

Lotta let out one final squawk, just before her ass flew back into the table. The force should have sufficiently stopped her rapidly careening path, but, as though starring in a live, slapstick comedy scene, the photographer proved to be as graceful as a sledgehammer in a knife fight! It appeared her kismet retribution
wasn’t quite over, as her heel then proceeded to somehow skid on some fallen, stray French fries on the floor!

Her limbs seemed to be in some kind of dispute with her brain as to which direction they should go in, as one leg went in one direction and the other leg went somewhere else entirely. Her arms flailed like a windmill as she struggled to stay upright but to no avail. The screaming woman went from falling backward to rapidly plummeting downward, and her bushy head hurtling right into the edge of the table.

Everyone gasped at the sight, and braced themselves for impact, expecting there to be a sickening cracking sound of skull meeting wood.

As it turned out, no such thing occurred. Luckily, due to the sheer capacity of her hair, the voluminous bush acted like a springy cushion, so the thump easily bounced her upward, just enough to fall back, semi-comfortably, onto her backside, whilst fortunately leaving the rest of the fare on the jostled table relatively unscathed.

Unfortunately, to everybody’s horrified amusement and shock, the same clash also resulted in Lotta Hart’s trademark afro completely becoming dislodged from her head! The fluffy hairpiece landed smack into the base of the fountain of cheese, leaving behind the utterly unrecognizable…and beyond mortified journalist, who appeared to be nearly bald beneath her enormous wig, as she was now sporting an army-style buzz-cut!

This entire time, the tenacious Jesse had continued filming!

“Now, there’s a dose of instant karma if I ever saw it!” Edgeworth noted, unable to mask the smug satisfaction from his tone as Phoenix and Gumshoe burst into unabashed fits of laughter, which was now roaring throughout the room.

“Lotta!” Jesse shouted in disbelief, as though forgetting his camera was still rolling, while Maggey gleefully zoomed in to take photos of the shorn southerner. “What the heck happened to your hair?! Did you need to shave it because of head lice or something?!”

He scratched his head nervously.

“Um, should I be worried, since you came here in my van and all…?”

“I have a suggestion, pals!” Gumshoe wiped his streaming eyes. “For once, let’s not begrudge the videographer for his incessant need to narrate everything, and having that pesky camera filming the most inopportune moments!”

“Are you kidding?” Phoenix wheezed. “That kid may be my new hero! I’m going to have to ask Iris and Larry to make me a copy of that tape!”

“Git that dad-blasted camera outta ma face, ya cretin!” Lotta shouted, glaring at Jesse. “It ain’t my fault I was forced to pretend I was a recruit when I sneaked into an army base last week, seeking out a scoop! But to avoid military prison, I had to go along and let ’em shear me like a sheep!”

“Phew! That’s good to know!” Jesse heaved a thankful sigh. “I was worried you might have been susceptible to catching those nasty critters!”

“There ain’t no critters, ya dumb peckerwood! The wig was because that dimwit, blind as a bat, one-eyed varmint went a bit too hog wild with the dang shaver!” Lotta hollered furiously, shaking her fist at the cameraman. “Now turn that camera off this instant, boy!”

“But, but … you told me to keep filming, no matter what!” The young man protested feebly, making no move to halt the rolling camera, although now beginning to sweat nervously.

“Well, yer also my protégé! I command yew to turn that blasted thing off and erase everything yew just filmed before I cut yer tail!”

“Objection!” A voice cried out of the blue, effectively silencing everything.

Everybody turned to stare at the normally soft-spoken Iris, who was still up on the stage, in full finger-pointing, courtroom glory pose.

“Jesse Ventura, you are to pay Lotta no mind in the least!” The bride ordered sternly. “You keep right on filming until either my husband or I say otherwise, is that clear?”

“Hells bells, woman! Yew best respect my authority!” Lotta seethed, glowering at the shrine maiden. “I am that fella’s mentor, darn tootin!”

“And I am the bride, and these are my wedding, you horrendous hellion!” Iris put her hands on her hips and shot Lotta a death glare that would have made even Dahlia Hawthorne tremble, effectively silencing the tenacious, loudmouthed woman. “An invitation-only event which, by the way, you gatecrashed! The only reason you were allowed to stay was that you offered to take over the vacated position of photographer! Therefore, I will not tolerate any more melodramatics out of you … ya hear? You’ve caused enough commotion and upset today as it is!”

Lotta appeared to visibly wilt as everyone in the room eyed her accusingly.

“Now, there’s no use crying over spilled milk, or in this case, casualty via cheese dunking! You probably flipped your wig because you downed too much wine! Serves you right!” Iris continued ruthlessly, still fired up from the woman’s earlier antics against her loved ones. “I suggest you simply call it a wash because there’s no way your hairpiece will ever get the stench of French cheese, washed out! Ergo, too bad, so sad, it’s now a glorified feather duster! I don’t want to hear another whine or peep about it, and don’t even think of trying to bill us for it later! If you wish to be paid for this job, it needs to be done in full. Therefore, I kindly suggest you get up, shut up, and continue your picture-taking duties. Otherwise, I insist you skedaddle this instant!”

The Fey girls’ jaws dropped open at their kinswoman’s unexpected wrath. Obviously, Iris had been as infuriated by Lotta’s onslaught toward Phoenix and Maya as they had been!

Blushing furiously at having been taken to task in such a public manner, Lotta slowly rose to her feet, making a big show of rubbing her sore rear end and cast a beseeching glance at the bride, who was exchanging a wink at the smirking Feys.

“Don’t gimme the total short end of the stick here! Can’t I at least be afforded the dignity of covering my head?” The subdued journalist asked meekly, sullenly taking her camera out of the snickering Maggey’s hand. “Like with some kind of scarf or somethin’?”

“I am not offering her my cravat!” Edgeworth grumbled to Phoenix and Gumshoe. “Don’t even think of volunteering it!”

“I wouldn’t even dream of it!” The pianist smiled innocuously while the Police Chief barely stifled back a derisive snort.

“Um, here you go, Lotta.” Jesse walked to the closest table and handed the newly outed baldy the sole linen napkin left behind, as the rest had been cleared with the dinner plates. “Er, it’d fallen to the floor, but only a tad dirty, as it has this red lipstick print on one side of it. But if you fold it the other way, it should suffice as a makeshift bandanna! I mean, it should fit, since, without all that puffy hair, your head doesn’t look that big anymore…”

“Lawd have mercy, just shut yer Yankee trap already!” Lotta snapped peevishly, her head indeed looking comically smaller now, as she snatched the proffered item from the videographer’s hand, and with a grimace, tied it around her head, the shiny cloth making her resemble a well-dressed pirate. “I just hate yew!”

“No, you don’t!” Jesse – who’d still been filming all the while! – replied insipidly, with a disarming grin. “You just think you do!”

“I know I do!” Lotta stamped her foot. “Now quit yer yappin and get ready for the dang garter toss!”

Larry Butz and Iris Hawthorne
The Ballroom, Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel
June 16, 2026 10:21 PM

In the next instant, Larry had come onto the stage, and the speakers were now blaring “Lay Your Hands on Me” by Bon Jovi, and a band member of The Pink Tacos had brought a chair out for Iris. As she sank on it, the pink-faced bride began giggling uncontrollably when Larry got down on his hands and knees, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively at his wife as he went to lift the hem of her skirt.

If you’re ready, I’m willing and able
Help me lay my cards out on the table
You’re mine and I’m yours for the taking
Right now the rules we made are meant for breaking

“I don’t think so!” The lead singer boomed, grabbing the groom’s hands and slapping him behind his back as though he were about to be handcuffed. “Even though the saucy song says lay your hands on me, you have to dive for that garter and pull it off using nothing but your teeth, Mr. Butz! Are you man enough to handle it?”

What you get ain’t always what you see
But satisfaction’s guaranteed
They say what you give is always what you need
So if you want me to lay my hands on you

The guests all hooted and hollered encouragement as Larry chuckled and shrugged good-naturedly.

“Sticking my head up my gorgeous wife’s skirt – what a vexing fate I’ve been subjected to!” The groom deadpanned, even though his eyes were dancing with mirth. “It’ll be a toilsome task for sure, hey, somebody’s gotta do it!”

Lay your hands on me, lay your hands on me, lay your hands on me,
Lay your hands on me, lay your hands on me, lay your hands on me,
Lay your hands on me…

He flashed Iris a shit-eating grin, and then, without further preamble, his hands still behind his back, Larry slid his head up the inside of the bride’s leg, his body practically hidden beneath the many heavy layers of silk and crinoline, with only his kneeling legs and shoes visible to the onlookers.

Iris let out a loud peal of laughter as she felt the slightly ticklish sensation of Larry’s goatee brushing against her bare calf, but then her breath caught in her throat as she felt the intimate brush of his lips just above her leg, on her knee, in a quick, almost naughty kiss. Despite it being a chaste, not even erotic body part, she could feel her cheeks reddening as she fully grasped the intimacy of this act, and bit her lip hard, willing herself from blushing further while quelling her lusty thoughts about those warm lips on her body … later that night.

Jesus H. Christ on a Popsicle stick! This is as hot as hell! In more ways than one! And it’s not just because my sexy wife is so smokin’!

On the other hand, Larry’s thoughts were surprisingly not of the sexual variety as he tried to fumble for the lacy garter on his wife’s satiny thigh, in what seemed to be pitch darkness, due to the dimly lit stage, coupled with the copious layers of heavy material he’d ducked under! As much as he’d admittedly dreamed of the day he’d finally be able to lay his hands …or in this case, his lips, against Iris’s silky skin, at the moment, it felt as though it were at least 30 degrees Celsius beneath that skirt! He could feel the tremble of her leg as it brushed against his face, and wondered if it was due to nervousness, or if his demure bride was seriously getting hot and bothered by his propinquity!

Oh, baby! If I wasn’t a leg man before, I sure am now! Note to self, explore the tantalizing possibility that these smooth stems might be an erogenous zone later tonight – privately! But right now, I’d better focus on getting this thing off of her, before I suffocate under here!

At last, his mouth found what was searching for, and with a triumphant cry, he slid his head back out, amidst a roar of enthused applause, arms raised in the air victoriously and the lacy garter clamped between his grinning teeth while Iris clapped a hand over her mouth to muffle her laughter.

“OK, all you sexy bachelors!” The singer flashed a disarming grin at the masses as the song “Danger Zone” began to play. “Get your Butz onto that dance floor! It’s time for the garter toss!”

Dick Gumshoe and Wrightworth
The Ballroom, Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel
June 16, 2026 10:30 PM

By the time Pearl and Maya returned from their quick detour from the ladies’ room post-bouquet toss, and were headed back to their table, Luke was already making his way toward the dance floor. Once there, he couldn’t help but be confounded that, unlike with the bouquet throw, there were absolutely no other men present for the catching of the garter! He could only surmise that the scads of women who’d crowded for the flower toss were there unescorted.

Glancing around the room in confusion, his gaze landed on both Phoenix and Edgeworth, standing beside Gumshoe by the bartender, both with their feet firmly planted on the floor, arms crossed and making no move to join him, despite his pleading expression!

Blimey! This cannot be happening! The British youth thought wildly. How can I possibly be the only male at this wedding, whose willing to put himself through this?!

“I’d join you if I could!” Jesse apologized, who was filming from the sidelines, as though reading Luke’s mind. “But somebody has to video this, and I’m the only one who knows how to use this hi-tech camera! Besides, after what happened with the flower toss, I’m taking it as a sign that having hired staff participate in guest events might be cursed somehow! With my luck, I’d probably somehow split my pants in the back so everyone could see my Dragon Ball Z boxers! Although, I suppose that still wouldn’t be as bad as what happened to Lotta…”

“Sweet merciful jumping Jesus on a jet ski! And I reckoned I was the socially clueless weirdo who never knew when to quit flapping my gums!” Lotta lowered her camera and grimaced at the videographer. “Can’t ya quit lettin’ yer mouth overload yer dang tail, ya dang Yankee?!”

“Gee willikers, Lotta! If I’m going to learn anything from you, can’t you just speak normal English?” Jesse whined. “I can’t understand half the stuff you’ve been saying!”

“Of all the cottin’ pickin’ nerve! I’m from the heart of the heartland and tawk English the same as everyone else!” She huffed, shooting him a filthy look. “It means: shut yer dang trap, boy, before I fly off the handle and slap ya so hard when ya quit rollin,’ yer clothes’ll be outta style!”

Wisely, Jesse hastily shut his cake hole.

Back at the bar, Gumshoe cast a quizzical look at his friends, neither of whom had budged from their firmly planted position at the bar.

“Awesome! They’re playing the theme from Top Gun! Hey pals, aren’t the two of you going to go out there and keep Luke company?”

Edgeworth’s expression darkened.

“Ah yes, the bouquet brawl is done, so now it’s time for the much tamer by comparison, but equally disparaging, garter toss! The event spotlights all the willing and reluctant bachelors alike, supposedly to put them in danger of becoming part of the next archetypal ball and chain.” The prosecutor jutted his chin at his courtroom rival. “Wright, why don’t you go? Last time I checked, there was no ring on your finger!”

Phoenix hesitated. He knew he was being ludicrous, seeing as how he’d proposed to Maya earlier that day, in front of hundreds of witnesses! However, that’d been before circumstances decided to remind him how he was in no position to take care of anyone else! Consequently, he was hardly in the mood to join in any sort of festivity, given that he felt lower than a serpent in snowshoes!

“Pearls caught the flowers, so shouldn’t we at least ensure her boyfriend catches the garter?” The spiky-haired man protested weakly. “This way it’s guaranteed he will, especially if he’s the sole contender!”

“And I’m simply not in the mood,” Edgeworth added curtly.

“Hold it!” The Chief thundered all of a sudden, pointing an accusing index finger at the two astonished men. “You two are being unbelievably self-centered and ridiculous right now! I’m a married man, otherwise, I would go up there! I don’t know what’s going on with you two party poopers, but I do know that this is the wedding of your childhood friend, and both of you need to be out there, in body, if not in spirit!”

The big lug’s customary amiable disposition had entirely vanished as he stared darkly at the two recalcitrant men. Both friends shrank back slightly, even the normally haughty Edgeworth, as he noted the stormy look of disapproval on his former subordinate’s face.

“Now, go get yourselves out on that dance floor! I don’t care if it’s by choice, or against your will, but you two are going out there, whether you like it or not! I’m ain’t fooling around!” Gumshoe’s brows drew together to demonstrate his vexation. “So, what’s it going to be, guys?”

Phoenix and Edgeworth gaped at the normally benign ex-detective, astonished by his atypical ferocious tone, while realizing, for the first time in all the years they’d known him, just how much bigger than them the normally teddy bear former detective truly was! If it ever came down to any sort of physical battle, it was glaringly evident who would emerge victorious!

Especially since at that moment, said teddy bear was baring his teeth at them, in a manner not totally unlike Jaws!

The two chums had remained silent a bit too long for the Chief’s liking. With surprising swiftness for a man who was built like a tank, he reached down and, in the manner of a strict mother cat grabbing two cantankerous kittens by the scruff of the neck, seized Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth by the back of their collars, before either could even react! He then forcibly hauled both onto the dance floor, depositing them, with a grand flourish, right beside the visibly relieved Luke Triton.

The lad smiled gratefully at Gumshoe, his jubilance evident at no longer being all by his lonesome. Edgeworth appeared chastened but annoyed, though he sensibly kept his peace. Phoenix just continued to gawk incredulously at the Chief, still not believing what’d just transpired!

“By the way, pals, I shouldn’t have to remind you that Jesse and Lotta have been capturing every single moment of this! Maybe next time, you’ll behave yourselves and act more like team players!”

Gumshoe scratched his head and then treated them to a sheepish grin, as though he couldn’t believe what he’d just done either!

“Sorry about that, guys! I hate resorting to strong-arm tactics – usually only reserved for Gordy when he won’t obey Maggey and me! Heh, heh. Um, good luck to you all!”

With that, the Chief waved at his friends, then turned and went back to the table.

“Everybody ready?” Larry called out, holding the garter against his thumb and forefinger like a slingshot with one eye closed, as though preparing to launch, while the music continued to play in the background. He shot the trio a goofy grin. “On the count of three!”

Edgeworth took a huge step backward so that he was standing a good foot and a half behind Luke, who was beside Phoenix. The spiky-haired man still hadn’t moved a muscle since he’d literally been put into his place by Gumshoe. He was almost afraid of the large man’s potential wrath if he were even slightly construed to be disobeying orders!

“1…2…3!”

The slate-haired man saw the lacy material flying directly at him, even though he was furthest from the triad and had his hands jabbed in his pockets!

He inwardly cursed his rotten luck.

There is no way I’m letting that thing come at me! It’s bad enough that we were pretty much dragged by the ear out here, and our misbehaving antics have forever been immortalized on film! Thus far, I’ve not only had to endure attending a wedding but then being part of one! I couldn’t handle being declared the next lucky groom on top of it all! I can’t! I simply…can’t.

Despite not being traditionally athletic, or sports-oriented, the prosecutor’s reflexes, which stemmed from all his years of fencing whilst growing up in the Von Karma manor, were still second to none when it came right down to it. At the last split-second, just before the sailing item practically hit him in the face, the cravat-wearer quickly flicked his wrist and sent it in the direction of Luke, who’d turned around to see where the garter had been flying. It bounced off the astonished boy’s kisser, then landed right on the sleeve of his suit jacket.

“It looks like we have the next future groom in our midst, ladies, and gentlemen!” The vocalist cried, having missed the legist’s last-minute sleight of hand. “Congratulations to the gentleman in the navy suit!”

There was an enthusiastic round of applause from all the guests, and Edgeworth joined in the clapping, grateful to have narrowly averted disaster. Phoenix, who’d seen the whole thing, merely arched an eyebrow at his best friend, but said nothing and just cocked a half-smile.

Luke just remained standing there with his mouth hanging open.

“It’s customary for the recipient of the garter toss, as well as the lucky gal who caught the bouquet, to enjoy a dance together!” The musical performer grinned at the thunderstruck Englishman. “Could we get the little lady who caught the bouquet to come up here and dance with this handsome young man?”

Phoenix Wright and Maya Fey
The Ballroom, Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel
June 16, 2026 10:34 PM

“So this is where you’ve been hiding all night, Nick?!”

Phoenix jumped guiltily at the reproachful note in his girlfriend’s tone, as the Master had finally cornered him and Edgeworth at their resumed station by the bar, where they’d both immediately hightailed, post-garter toss. The spirit medium’s hands were on her hips, dark eyes staring reprovingly into his as the barrister cleverly chose that very instant to excuse himself and head to the bathroom, leaving the two lovers alone.

The pianist shot his fuming partner a sickly grin and attempted a joking tone to deflect away from the underlying seriousness of the situation.

“Don’t be silly, Maya! How can I hide anywhere with these spikes of mine, which make me stick out like a sore thumb, no matter where I go? I’m only incognito when I cover them up with that beanie you so fervidly hate. I merely thought to keep Edgeworth company, since he’s the only one here without a date, and figured he might be kind of lonely, that’s all!”

“Don’t even think of trying to bluff with me, buster!” She pursed her lips. “We both know you’ve been playing duck and dodge with me ever since Lotta opened her fat trap earlier tonight! And come to think of it, you’ve seemed a bit off ever since we got to this reception hall! What’s going on here? Are you mad at me or something?”

“Of course not!” He answered automatically, this time with utmost sincerity. Maya was his world, his everything. Mad at her was the last thing he was. Confused and skeptical about the kind of future he could offer her, due to the lifestyle he thought she was now accustomed to, yes. Feeling very bleak about his nonexistent status in society, ditto. But definitely not mad at her! “I’m sorry you feel I’ve been avoiding you, my love.”

“If you’re not mad at me, then please tell me what has been bothering you!” She implored, putting a hand on his arm. “Are you upset I didn’t try harder to catch the bridal bouquet and tossed it to Pearly instead? It’s a given that you and I are endgame, Nick – you proved as much earlier today! But you know what a big romantic my little girl is, and that it would’ve meant the world for her to snag those flowers!”

“I do know that,” he assured her. “And I would’ve done the same thing in your position. I’ve never seen anybody’s face light up like Pearls’ did when she had those coveted florals in her arms!”

“I’m so glad you understand that and didn’t see my actions as some sort of rejection when I didn’t try to keep them for myself!” The respite was audible in Maya’s voice as she leaned forward to kiss him lingeringly on the lips. “It’s adorable how Luke was the one to catch that garter, don’t you think? It’s like a sign from above that those kids were destined to be together forever!”

Pearl Fey and Luke Triton
The Ballroom, Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel
June 16, 2026 10:35 PM

There was a chorus of endeared coos from many of the guests, who were aware that the teens were a couple. The spirit medium excitedly made her way up to the dance floor, an eager smile on her pretty face just as the band began to play.

They say it’s a river, that circles the Earth
A beam of light shinin’ to the edge of the universe
It conquers all
It changes everything…

Luke finally snapped out of his stupefied state and found his voice.

They say it’s a blessing
They say it’s a gift
They say it’s a miracle and I believe that it is
It conquers all
But it’s a mystery

The hapless young man realized he’d been left to his own devices as both the pianist and prosecutor took that moment as their cue to swiftly exit the dance floor and looked helplessly around him for the sight of Edgeworth and Phoenix. They caught his eye from the bar, but both simply shrugged and smiled back angelically.

“This isn’t right!” Luke asserted, shaking his head vehemently, “I didn’t catch the garter! It wasn’t me!”

Thoroughly, chagrined, he gulped as he noticed the stricken look in his girlfriend’s eyes, realizing with a sinking sensation in his stomach, that like nearly everyone else, she thought he’d caught the garter as well, and now was simply being balky about it!

Pearl had just taken her beau’s hand, about to lead him into dance, but upon hearing these words of perceived rejection, a wave of hurt, along with all the resentment and fury, which had been building for the last few hours, bubbled up inside the spirit medium’s chest.

It was painfully obvious where she stood with him now. This boy, whom she’d loved for a year now, with all her heart, didn’t want a future with her. He obviously found the notion so distasteful that he was publicly willing to demonstrate to everybody watching how he couldn’t even bear the idea! Even worse, he was now so desperate to avoid any sort of upcoming matrimonial allusion that he trying to back out of even the vaguest of all commitments, not wanting to even admit he’d caught the bridal garter!

Love breaks your heart
Love takes no less than everything
Love makes it hard…

“Pearl, you don’t understand!” Luke insisted desperately, seeing the pain in her expressive orbs. “There’s been a mistake!”

Realizing all eyes were on them, he then spoke in a more hushed tone, while attempting to take her in his arms and lead her rigid form into a two-step, but her feet appeared to be unyielding.

“As much as I’d love to finally have my first dance with my girlfriend, the circumstances just aren’t right! You should be dancing with –”

In this world we’ve created
In this place that we live
In a blink of an eye, baby, the darkness slips in
Love lights the world
Unites the lovers for eternity

Something inside the normally dulcet girl snapped just been, and tears of embarrassment and resentment filled her eyes. She didn’t even want to hear him finish the sentence.

“I’ve had enough of you and your anti-wedding ways, Luke Triton!” She cried, sparks flying out of her eyes. “How could you do this to me, and in front of everybody?!”

Love brakes the chain
Love aches for everyone of us
Love takes the tears of pain, and it turns it in
To the beauty that remains

“I haven’t done anything!” Luke was taken aback. “I’m only trying to tell you the truth! I – he – Mr. Edgeworth … darn it! We need to go find him afterward! I promise you, he can sort this all out…”

“Why did you have to make such a big deal out of this?!” Pearl could feel two hot, angry teardrops rolling down her cheeks. “I know most boys are commitment-phobic to some extent, but you – you just take the cake!”

Look at this place
It was paradise, but now it’s dying
I’ll pray for love
I’ll take my chances that it’s not too late

“Pearl, please! Don’t let’s fight!” He begged. “Just dance with me – everyone’s staring at us!”

“I don’t care!” She yanked herself out of his arms. “In fact, you know what? I don’t want to dance with you anymore, at all!”

“Love, don’t do this!” Luke tried to put a mollifying hand on her shoulder, but she shrugged it off irately. “After this dance, we’ll talk about this! I swear I can explain!”

“Explain what? How you’ve been wasting the past year of my life, yet you haven’t given any thought to us beyond that?” Pearl stamped her foot. “You – you suck, Luke Triton! I can’t even look at you right now!”

With that, the incensed hoyden spun around on her heel and stomped off, leaving the gobsmacked lad alone on the dance floor and staring forlornly after her, as the poignant song lyrics surrounded him, piercing both his ears and his like daggers.

Love breaks your heart
Love takes no less than everything
Love makes it hard
And it fades away so easily…

Pearl Fey and Maya Fey
Ladies Room, Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel
June 16, 2026 10:40 PM

The maid of honor knew her matchless fury must have grown mellower with age. It was the sole reason, she told herself, as she raced from the dance floor, why she hadn’t given her lying, commitment-phobic, too damn handsome for his own damn good boyfriend one of her patented Pearl Fey slaps, for so publicly breaking her heart!

Supremely embarrassed that she’d caused a mini scene, the spirit medium had fled to the place where most people sought solace whenever they had tears to shed: the bathroom. Once inside, she slumped back against the wall, buried her face in her hands, and wept bitterly.

Back inside the reception hall, Maya had seen Pearl run off in tears and was utterly bewildered as to what’d occurred between her daughter and her beau. However, like any concerned parent, she quickly gave chase, almost neck-to-neck with Layton’s former apprentice, who’d also run after the distraught teenage girl. She caught up with the troubled youth outside the ladies’ restroom, where he discernibly couldn’t follow her, and placed a hand on one of his slumped shoulders.

“Luke! What just happened?”

“It’s all just one big, awful misunderstanding, Maya!” He clapped a distressed hand against his forehead. “Your cousin reckoned my reluctance to accept credit for intercepting the garter was my roundabout way of dragging my feet about us ever getting married!”

“You denied catching the garter?” The Master echoed blankly. “Considering how prickly Pearly has been towards you the entire evening regarding that touchy subject, why would you do such a churlish thing?”

“Because I genuinely didn’t!” His voice rose in frustration. “Mr. Edgeworth was set to catch the bloody thing when he suddenly flicked it at me at the last second!”

“Miles was the one who was supposed to catch it?!” Her eyes widened. “He’s engaged to one of my closest friends – at least, he was, last time I checked! – so it would’ve made sense for him to catch the garter! Yet he ensured it was you who did? Why would he do that?”

“I have no idea why he did such a thing!” Luke replied despondently. “Any more than I can understand why he and Mr. Wright both left me in the lurch on the dance floor before I could try to explain things to Pearl…”

“Nick witnessed this?” Her voice rose with indignation. “And yet he never said a single word to contradict my naïve girl while she was gushing about how it seemed fated how both you crazy kids had caught the bouquet and the garter…”

“Maya, it doesn’t matter who caught what or why!” Luke interrupted, sounding completely heartbroken. “What matters is I love your cousin dearly, and I am miserable that she seems to be questioning my intentions towards her! Obviously, I can’t go in there after her, so could you perhaps convince her to come out so the two of us can talk about this?”

“I’ll do my best,” the village leader promised. “Pearly can be super stubborn at times, and she’s very hurt and confused right now. But I know the two of you can work this out. The key thing is communication! Nick and I almost lost each other once because of crossed wires.”

“Six years together means you must have been doing something right, though.”

“The trick is to be even more resolute than your partner and refuse to budge, even when they try to dodge talking!” The Master advised. “At some point, you have to stop running. Admittedly, this is a work in progress for Nick and me, the dodging of conversation.  I swear my daughter and boyfriend are maddeningly identical that way!”

She gave the young man’s shoulder a reassuring pat, then went inside the bathroom, where she found Pearl angrily scrubbing at her blotchy, tear-stained face with a paper towel.

“Pearly,” Maya said gently, wrapping her arm around the girl’s shoulders. “Luke is outside. He wants to talk this out. Won’t you please give him a chance to explain?”

“I don’t want to talk to that jerk right now, Mystic Maya!” Pearl raged, as a fresh wave of tears flooded her eyes. “I’m still too mad at him!”

“I understand that you’re hurt and angry. But take it from me, sweet girl, as much as you can’t hide in here forever, you also can’t avoid talking to your partner either.” Maya gently patted the teen’s damp cheek, her voice slightly teasing now. “I feel like I’ve fallen back into a time machine, from seven years ago on my 21st birthday, except this time, you are me, and I’m playing the role of Franziska, minus the whip, who’s trying to talk sense into my/your foolish head!”

Pearl’s shoulders drooped, knowing full well the incident her guardian was referring to, but was still too morose to see the attempted humor in the situation, so she remained stubbornly silent.

Maya attempted to switch tactics, although she wasn’t about to get relay the whole garter story until she talked to Phoenix.

“Honey, I realize regarding this whole marriage thing, the odds have been stacked against Luke all night, from one ill-starred set of circumstances to another, but please don’t convict that poor boy based purely on circumstantial evidence! For the record though, as much as I am rooting for you kids to be together for the long haul, you are only 16 years old…”

“I’m 17 this fall!” The girl corrected automatically, her lower lip protruding slightly in customary petulant Fey fashion. “This isn’t just about what Luke said, Mystic Maya! It’s about what he didn’t say!”

“What didn’t he say?” Her guardian prodded softly.

“How should I know?!” Pearl exclaimed with irritation. “He didn’t say it!”

The diviner barely repressed the urge to facepalm in response.

Had she been this impossible when she’d been Pearl’s age? She wondered. If so, given that the two feisty Feys were blood-related and similar in more ways than one, Maya was definitely going to have her work cut out for her in raising this headstrong little girl into womanhood!

Womanhood …yikes! Suffering Serpent and the Rainbow, I just had a horrible thought! And it’s so harrowing, I don’t even know if I can say the words out loud…

“Pearly, if you don’t want to have an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend right now, I do hope you at least feel you can always have one with me.” The Master chose her words carefully. “However, um, is there any particular reason why it’s so important for you to know whether or not Luke is going to marry you?”

She tried not to make her downward glance at the teen’s slender waistline too obvious but failed miserably. Pearl followed her guardian’s eyes, then let out an affronted gasp as she realized what was being applied.

“Mystic Maya! Are you seriously asking me –”

“Well, I don’t know what else to think!” The necromancer threw her hands in the air, palms up, in the universal no offense gesture. “When a young girl is so obsessed with the idea of wedlock to her equally young boyfriend, as her parental figure, I can’t help but worry if it’s because of certain unplanned circumstances that may have occurred! Like, perhaps due to the fact that she may have, er, rocked the casbah with him…?”

“Rocked the casbah?” Pearl echoed, her face puzzled. “Is that some kind of new dance move I don’t know about? I mean, we’ve never even slow danced together yet, and I’m not even old enough yet to go clubbing in Europe, never mind here in the States…”

“Mystic Ami, give me strength!” Maya puffed out her cheeks in agitation. “What I’m trying to ask you, that is … oh hell, just tell me already! Pearly, are you pregnant?”

“Gah!” The poor girl’s eyes nearly bulged out of her skull, and she looked mortally wounded. “Mystic Maya! I’ll have you know Luke Triton has never been anything but a perfect gentleman with me … in every way! I may be furious with him for being commitment-phobic, but he’s no cad!”

“Sweet merciful Theotokos!” Maya fell back against the wall with the sheer force of her relief. “I mean, if you ever want to talk about anything like that, you should know you always can! Nonetheless, I have to admit I’m beyond relieved!”

“Can we please change topics, now that we’ve established I’m not having Luke’s illegitimate love child?” Despite her lofty tone, Pearl’s cheeks were pink. “Seriously, I’ll even talk about stickers!”

“I’m sorry if I embarrassed you, but you’re my little girl, Pearly,” Maya said tenderly. “Of course, I’m going to try to look out for you.”

“Thanks, Mystic Maya.” Pearl let out a long sigh. “I understand everything you’re saying, but right now the only thing I want you to look out for is the whereabouts of my boyfriend! Could you stick your head outside and let me know if the coast is clear?”

“Pearly…”

“Please do this for me. I know I’m not ready to talk to him just yet. I’m afraid he’ll merely be telling me things he thinks I want to hear, which may not even be true, in order to placate me for the time being!” Pearl scowled. “You know how Luke is, ever the polite and proper Englishman, who doesn’t ever want to make a public scene!”

“As you wish, sweet girl. Regardless, I still hope you take heed to my words.”

Maya gave the girl a swift hug, then peeked her head outside the door, and saw Luke was still faithfully stationed outside, although a few yards down so one wouldn’t have been able to see him when upon immediately exiting. The boy’s posture was slouched, and his head was hanging, looking like the perfect picture of dejection.

“Um, he’s still out there…”

“Whatever.” Pearl had speedily been texting something on her phone, which was still in her hand. “You go back to your Special Someone and enjoy the party. I’ll come out when I’m ready.”

“No problem. I should get back to Nick anyway. I sort of ran out on him when I saw you rush in here, without really explaining where I was going!”

As soon as her cousin had left, Pearl stared at herself in the mirror, then straightened her shoulders and took a deep breath. She hoped what she was about to do wouldn’t come back to bite her in the bum, but since she didn’t have an invisibility cloak handy, and there was only one exit door, there was no other way to avoid facing her boyfriend.

Except for one…

Luke heard the door to the restroom swing open and rapidly rushed over, figuring he’d accost his girlfriend before she made another run for it as the only way he could attempt to smooth things out between them.

“Pearl, I’m so happy you finally came out!” His words spilled out in a rush before he even set eyes on his sweetheart. “There’s so much I want to say to you…”

He dropped his gaze, busily trying to compose his thoughts while examining the plush carpeting at his feet. When he looked up into her face at last – or, at least, where he thought her face would have been! – the words immediately died in his throat.

Because his shocked eyes were not levelly peering into Pearl’s big, gray orbs … but at a set of larger, albeit equally round, yet entirely different body parts of the female anatomy!

Luke’s jaw hit the ground as he stared wordlessly into the visage of a breathtaking older lady, wearing Pearl’s same maid of honor gown, who, up until earlier that day, when he’d gotten a quick glimpse of her, he’d only known by reputation! The exquisite countenance of the statuesque brunette, to whom he’d never been formally introduced, was wreathed with both kindness and affection.

“And I’m positive that I’ll want to hear every single thing you intended to say to my darling baby cousin!” The woman drawled, her melodious voice rich with merriment. “Starting with your intentions towards her, Mr. Luke Triton! But first and foremost, I’m going to tell you the same thing I did to Phoenix earlier this evening….”

The beauty tucked a finger under his chin, forcing his mouth closed while lifting his head so that his flabbergasted chestnut eyes stared into amber ones, which were sparkling with amusement while she spoke her next laughing words.

“Don’t look down! Look right here!”

Bon Jovi – Lay Your Hands On Me
Kenny Loggins – Danger Zone
Vanessa Williams and Brian McKnight – Love Is