160 Forever your girl

Hey baby, just remember I’m forever your girl.
Baby, forever, and ever and ever, you know I am.

Baby, pick your head up, (head up)
come on and look me in the face,
’cause I can tell that something is bringin’ you down.
(Why are you down?)
Is it the rumor that another boy wants to take your place?
(I hear he’s after your heart.)
Have you been hearin’ the stories?
They’re goin’ around.
(All of my friends are talkin’.)
Baby, just remember I gave you my heart,
ain’t no-one gonna tear us apart.
He can promise the moon and the stars above,
even if he promised me the world;

Just remember I’m forever your girl.
He could promise the world.
Just remember, I’m forever your girl.

Honey, listen to me,
Your love is all I need.
You should know that I don’t need nothin’
That money can buy.
So if a boy were to come along
And try to make me leave you,
(Girl, I’d go out of my mind.)
There’d be no reason to worry,
I’m tellin’ you why.
(I need to hear that you really love me.)
Baby, don’t you know that I love you,
And I’d never put nobody above you.
He could promise the moon and the stars above,
Even if he promised me the world.

Just remember I’m forever your girl.
He could promise the world.
Just remember, I’m forever your girl.
I’m forever your baby.

Just remember I’m forever your girl.
He could promise the world.
Just remember, I’m forever your girl.
When the mountains crumble in to the sea,
that’s the day someone will come between you and me.
Baby, just remember I gave you my heart,
ain’t no-one gonna tear us apart.
Baby, he could promise me diamonds,
even in he promised me pearls;
honey, you know I ain’t lyin’,
listen as I tell it to the world.

Just remember I’m forever your girl.
He could promise the world.
Just remember, I’m forever your girl.

Girl you know I love you,
And I always will.
If we live till forever,
I’ll be lovin’ you still.
just remember I’m forever your girl.
He could promise the world.
Just remember, I’m forever your girl.
I’m forever your baby,
I’m forever your girl.

Miles Edgeworth, Phaya and Feyt
The Ballroom, Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel
June 16, 2026 7:30 PM

Love is truly a wondrous thing! Phoenix marveled to himself. It can not only move mountains, but can allow even the most acrophobic man, such as myself, to get so lost in the illuminating eyes of his gorgeous, recently reunited lover, that he can literally overlook that he’s a harrowing 10, 000 feet in the air!

The former defense attorney gingerly stretched his legs once more as he stepped out of the taxicab which had brought the five of them to the famous LA hotel, after Edgeworth had dropped off the Fop Copter back at the Prosecutor’s Office. Hoping nobody would notice, he vigorously rubbed his hands up and down his thighs to recommence feeling in them once more, as they had gone slightly numb from holding Maya in his lap for the duration of the flight from Kurain.

Love also allows me to temporarily forget losing nearly all circulation in my legs from holding said beauty on my lap for the entire 45 minutes flight! Even with Porfirio’s gaudy ostentatious creation no longer on her to prove, as it originally suggested, that Maya was apparently not carrying an additional 30 or 40 pounds on her frame, she’s still no bag of feathers, either! Or maybe I just need to go back to biking everywhere?!

The Beverly Wilshire Hotel was truly a sight to behold. The outside view from the hotel overlooked the ritzy Rodeo Drive, as well as the sparkling city lights of Beverly Hills and beyond, infusing the five of them with a distinct sense of glamour and luxuriousness.

The pianist hadn’t fully grasped just how grandeur the venue initially intended for Maya’s wedding reception would be until the group of them entered the premises. The indoor spaces exuded a grand elegance, accented by rich wood, marble, crown mouldings and French crystal, causing Pearl and Luke to openly gape at the lavishness of their surroundings.

Howbeit, once they’d entered The Ballroom, it was Phoenix’s turn to do the gawking, as he was not only unaccustomed to such finery, but wholly unprepared for the sight that greeted him, Maya, Edgeworth and the teens as they entered the enormous location of the soirée.

The impressively decorated stateroom was a formal venue with 21-foot columns, beveled mirrors and a marble balustrade surrounding the parameters, which also featured a large permanent dance floor. The abstract Oceana carpet was a key highlight, creating style from the bottom up. Matching the ocean curves were large Italian-crystal chandeliers, flavescent fabric wall panels, crown mouldings and large beveled floor-to-ceiling mirrors on silk-paneled walls. Decorative crystal wall sconces framed the room, and added a romantic glow to the evening ambience. A formal stage with velvet curtains accommodated the five-piece band, which was set up and playing an orchestral version of “At Last” by Etta James, with the area in front of the raised platform affording each dinner table a clear view of the performance.

“I can’t believe how resplendent the place is!” Luke shook his head in awe. “Back in Europe we have castles of course, but…this just takes the biscuit!”

“It’s easily the most fabulous hotel I’ve ever seen!” The starry-eyed Pearl clasped her hands to her cheeks as she took in their surroundings. “And here I thought the Gatewater Hotel was fancy!”

“Gatewater?” Maya snickered. “Please! This film place of Pretty Woman makes that old pile of bricks look like a cheap motel in a bad horror movie, don’t you think, Nick?”

While Phoenix shared the opinion that Gatewater by far paled in comparison to their current surrounding, he couldn’t help but wince at his girlfriend’s candid observation, yet obvious approbation for this opulent lifestyle, which he knew would never be within his reach!

What’s also beyond depressing is that a room at just the Gatewater, forget this hotel, was barely within my budget when I was an Ace Attorney, never mind now, as a seedy card shark!

Before the poker champion could lamely echo that he shared the same admiring sentiments regarding the place, the village leader was already squealing over the large banner that was hanging down from overhead.

“Wow will you look at that! I guess you really do get what you pay for! These people are totally on the ball, considering they had almost zilch notice about the sudden change in newlywed couple!”

The friends all snickered as they looked up and saw that the words which had previously read ‘Congratulations Maya and Longines!’ on it had been hastily scribbled out with a black marker, and now read ‘Congratulations Iris and Lawrence!’

“The person who made that last-minute alteration definitely couldn’t have been an acrophobic like you, Nick!” Maya tittered, still staring up at the sign. “That ceiling is easily a good 30 feet high! Can you imagine the height of the ladder they must’ve needed to get all the way up there?!”

“There is no wall to lean a climbing apparatus against, since the placard is hanging down from the center beam, so it’s very unlikely that they used a ladder, Maya!” Phoenix reflexively corrected her. “More than likely, they would’ve required a stepladder to do the job!”

“Why are you still so narrow-minded, Old Man?” Maya shrieked back, as was tradition. “Didn’t my sister teach you to think outside the box?!”

Phoenix groaned. “Maya, I swear, sometimes you –”

“Surely thou jest?” Edgeworth face palmed. “Are you two seriously going to continuously have this cockamamie debate for the rest of your lives?!”

“Perhaps we should stake claim of a table?” Luke quickly intervened, ever the peace-loving gentleman. “Shall I assume we get premiere dibs, since no one else had arrived just yet?”

Since they were literally the first guests to get there, the Feys dropped their evening clutches at the front, closest to the sweetheart table which had been set up for the newlyweds, which was as superbly decorated as the rest of the space.

Each round reception table, paired with gold chiavari chairs, were white linen covered and adorned with ivory or blush linens. Gold chargers and matching colored candlesticks, low and tall arrangements of blush roses and white hydrangea centerpieces, as well as blush and gold accents, completed the elegant look.

Edgeworth’s discerning steel gaze swept over the sophisticated place settings and gleaming tableware.

“The dining décor alone is quite impressive.” The urbane gentleman’s sharp eyes zeroed in on the intricately detailed glass vases holding the decadent florals. “If I’m not mistaken, these are genuine crystal, René Lalique ‘Ibis’ Vases, which are directly imported from France. I’ve seen their entry price range go as high as four digits apiece.”

Lord have mercy! Phoenix’s jaw dropped to his chest upon hearing such an outlandish price for what, to him, had appeared to be a simple glass flower container! The cost of these vases for 400 dinner guests would be at least several years’ annual salary back when I was a lawyer!

Unaware of how overwhelmed he’d just made his best friend with his speculative commentary, Edgeworth’s well-manicured fingers were now trailing over one of the forks.

“This particular quartz jardiniere model is easily about $7500 starting price! Also, these settings are comprised of no ordinary stainless steel hotel flatware. This is genuine sterling silver cutlery with actual 10 karat gold inlaid! Between the crystal designer for Cartier vases and the dining utensils, it’s hard to tell which would’ve had a more grandiose price tag. I can’t even fathom how much each place setting would have been. Longines was most definitely a man of cultivated tastes indeed.”

If the cultured Miles Edgeworth can’t even figure out the nosebleed price tags of the flatware, which seems like it’s best suited for royalty not regular folk, I’m going to assume that one setting alone would cost more than I would make in a lifetime as a pianist! Phoenix contemplated miserably. I couldn’t even claim to have ever been able to afford such superfluity, even on a smaller scale, badge or no badge! Heck, I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that Maya willingly gave up a life of this kind of luxury for me!

“There’s refined, and then there’s outright ridiculous, which my former fiancé rarely was with his wealth!” Maya waved her hand dismissively. “The most Groomzilla stunt he tried was actually imagining he could get President Schwarzenegger to attend, and primarily wanted The Pope to officiate! As for purchases, the only extravagant thing he had a direct hand in requesting the 50,000 pink peach blossoms, most of which I see have been used in decorating this hotel lobby and reception hall!”

“It was also rather nice see the Japanese imported floral arrangements as homage to the Fey ancestry,” Luke commented. “Plus, all those iris flowers were a nice touch, considering who the bride turned out to be!”

“True,” Maya agreed. “Things happen for a reason! Also, the splashiest thing I’ve ever seen Longines blow his money on was that summoned helicopter for when he made his grand exit. The outrageous vases and tableware were more than likely Mildew’s doing, in her attempt to fleece as much coin out of the poor guy as possible, so that she could skim more off the top!”

“Can I reiterate how I cannot wait to help you uncover and then expose that diabolical fiend’s shady crimes, Edgeworth?” Phoenix muttered darkly to his friend, who simply cracked a half smile and nodded in response.

“Neither can I! And I’ll help you Ace investigators out any way I can!” Maya grinned. “But anyway, one of the things I genuinely liked about Longines was although he has more money than he’ll ever be able to spend, he’s always been pretty down to earth overall, and was never been one to frivolously throw it around on such insignificant shi-shi frou-frou details such as this!”

Hearing this made Phoenix feel somewhat placated about his circumstances, despite knowing that compared to the hair heir, he still fell pitifully short by comparison as any sort of provider for the woman he loved.

That’s my girl! At the end of the day, Maya doesn’t care about superficial splendor despite moving in more elite circles and now being a woman of great wealth herself! She’s still the same, low-key burger lover she’s always been…

“People generally don’t care about silly stuff like wedding décor! But they’ll always remember the food!” Maya eyes lit up as she spotted the small hors d’oeuvres buffet next to the bar. “Is that a Belgian chocolate and cheese fountain I see over there? Oooh…and I think I spotted some crab and lobster stuffed mushrooms, too! Hot diggity! Come to mama!”

“I fancy a bite as well! That nosh all looks so positively scrummy!”

The burger queen took off like lightning towards the elaborate spread of appetizers, with Luke, man of equally hearty appetite, dashing off alongside her.

And…I’m back to feeling pathetic yet again!

Phoenix’s shoulders slumped despairingly as Mildred’s poisonous last words about how nothing had changed, and how he’d remained nothing more than a disgraced pariah who was far beneath the prestigious Kurain Master came back to haunt him again.

Indulgent seafood appetizers and imported desserts…two more things that I can’t afford!

“Maya!” He called after the gluttonous Master, who, like the English lad, was already loading up her plate as though she’d just suffered through a famine. “It’s pretty late now, and I’m sure dinner is going to served as soon as the other guests get here, which will probably be in less than an half an hour! Are you sure you want to spoil your appetite already?!”

“Gimme a break, Nick!” Maya scowled at him through a mouthful of smoked salmon mousse. “I’ve barely eaten in two months trying to ensure I fit into that blasted wedding gown, and I plan to make sure that I never fit into that damn thing, or any other size two garment, ever again! Besides, since when am I ever incapable of clearing a plate?!”

“She’s got a point there, Mr. Nick!” Pearl clapped a hand over her mouth to smother a giggle. “Also, you seem to have forgotten that Luke’s no stranger to packing it away, either! By the way, I sure hope none of the congregation’s lactose intolerant, since the wedding cake is multi-tiers of actual cheese, as well!”

“If a lot of the guests do have gastrointestinal problems due to the dining menu, it’ll make for a type of musical experience that’s far different from the kind the band could provide!” Phoenix quipped, grinning in spite of himself at the thought. “It’s a good thing that at least neither the bride nor groom have digestive dairy issues to worry about on their wedding night!”

“I’d have thought having a both a fromage wedding cake and fountain may have been dairy overkill too,” the teen admitted, twittering at his joke. “But watching those two go to town at that buffet has me thinking that dipping some broccoli florets into a cheese cascade would be pretty yummy right about now!”

“Pearly, get over here and try this thing! Forget veggies! They have meatballs, croissants and mini taquitos you can dip, too!” Maya was already filling up her second plate. “The little sign says that this is Beaufort D’ete cheese! It’s the Prince of Gruyères! I fell in love with it in France, and this stuff normally costs $45 a pound!”

As Pearl eagerly made her way over to join her boyfriend and cousin, the chess enthusiast inserted his own wry commentary before the spiky-haired man could mentally resume his pauper pity-party.

“Speaking of Mexican fodder,” Edgeworth drawled. “I realize the musical group is called The Pink Tacos, and is also an attempt at cheeky euphemism. Nevertheless, don’t you think it’s in slightly poor taste that they have a rose-colored tortilla shell as their band’s emblem, emblazoned both on the stage flag and on their drum set?”

“Just a tad,” Phoenix agreed with a smirk just as the band changed their music from purely instrumental to a lyrical number. “They were undoubtedly hired by Armstrong, although they’re surprisingly decent, all things considered. Hey, I think this is a Cyndi Lauper song they’re playing now.”

All traces of amusement vanished from the logical genius’s face as he recognized the cover made famous by the 80’s icon.

It was “Time After Time.”

A wave of nostalgia washed over the slate-haired man as he listened to the bittersweet song which had always reminded him of Franziska, who’d always feared someday, he would be so far away from her that she’d never be able to catch up…and so ultimately had decided to change the tides and have him be the one who was left behind. He clenched his jaw.

“I’m going to get a drink,” he announced curtly to the surprised Baron of Bluffing as he stalked towards the unattended bar. “I think a strong double dose of Abe’s Tropical Night in Hell would be most fitting right about now. With the emphasis being on the from hell part!”

“Already? Come on! The band’s not that objectionable!” The clueless pianist called after his friend as he hastily followed him. “Besides, you need to wait! The bartender isn’t here yet!”

“I’ll mix it myself!” Edgeworth retorted grumpily, already grabbing a tumbler. “When I took that year off, I obtained my bartender’s certification at the same time I acquired my helicopter license.”

“Perhaps it’d be a much shorter list if you told us the list of things you can’t do, Renaissance Man!” Phoenix joked, reaching for the mixed cocktail glass which had just graciously been poured for him. “Wow! This stuff’s sweeter than what I normally drink, but it’s not half bad! Is this chocolate liqueur I’m tasting?”

“Banana and chocolate liqueur, along with vodka and grenadine syrup,” Edgeworth affirmed, pouring himself a double dose of the concoction into his own glass and downing half of it in one gulp. “I’m going to need more than a few of these if I’m going to make it through this evening, Wright!”

Main Courses

Carpaccio of Maldivian long line caught yellow fin tuna
Fanning an island of Rio Grande Valley avocado crème fraiche,
topped with young coconut, with splash of Goan lime, coriander
and sprinkled with toasted organic sesame seeds

OR

Pacific Ocean black cod fillet
Hand-glazed with a Japanese tamari and Manuka honey reduction.
Delicately balanced on a sumptuous organic pearl barley risotto,
hand in hand with a delightful English courgette flower beignet, teriyaki jus

OR

Roasted fillet of Australian Kobe beef
Nestling in a Kent garden pea puree,
temptingly accompanied by a succulent spinach and onion compote,
to die for, triple-cooked Mans Piper chips and Indonesian long pepper sauce

Dessert

Hereford organic blackcurrant soufflé
Snuggled up with a swirl of Kentish apple and sorrel sorbet,
Kentish apple blossoms perched on top, with crunchy
Turkish hazelnut crumble

Phoenix Wright and Maya Fey
The Ballroom, Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel
June 16, 2026 9:15 PM

The evening meal was superlative, although as pretentious as one could have expected for a billionaire wedding reception. The calligraphy menu, each individually hand-written and laid next to each dinner plate, informed the guests of their gourmet fare. An hour or so later, the remaining guests had all arrived and were feasting on the decadent meal, which was undoubtedly the most sumptuous Phoenix had ever tasted in his entire life. He’d opted to have the beef, having never been an avid seafood lover, despite the snooty know-it-all Miles Edgeworth nitpicking the idiocy behind the term “Australian Kobe Beef!”

“Who hired these insipid menu writers? Why bastardize cuisine authenticity in favor of affectation?” The legal legend had complained while refilling his seemingly bottomless chalice of wine, his tongue getting progressively looser with every glass. “Did they ride the cattle from Japan, which, incidentally, is the only true place of Kobe beef, and through the Outback prior to slaughtering, in order to justify giving the beef dish its philistine name?!”

“Hey, as far as I’m concerned, it doesn’t matter what they call it or where it came from!” Gumshoe, who’d also opted for the beef, merrily savored his last bite. “All that matters is where it’s going, which is right in my tummy, and that it was delicious!”

Good ol’ Gumshoe! Good to see money hasn’t changed him in the least!

The spiky-haired man grinned at the Chief, pleased to note that in spite of having amassed wealth for many years now, the former detective was still the same down-to-earth, delightfully unsophisticated big lug he’d always been.

In spite of the fact that earlier on, Phoenix had been bristling at the unintended triggering factors around him, which had only further fueled his own feelings of inadequacy due to his comparatively abysmal shortcomings, he was in a better mind-set now. He was honestly enjoying both the meal and the company immensely, and was finally beginning to unwind from the crazy day. The free-flowing wine at the table, coupled with the cocktails he had enjoyed with Edgeworth prior to dinner, had relaxed him enough to put all his misgivings about his dubious future aside, and for now, he could actually say he was having a good time.

The Pink Tacos, in spite of their highly unsuitable name, were actually a very talented band. All evening, they’d been playing the perfect blend of romantic cover ballads, along with soulful instrumental tunes. The spiky-haired man was seated between Maya and Edgeworth, with Pearl and Luke (who was holding Feyt in his lap and discreetly feeding him bites of his beef) Sister Bikini (who was pretending not to notice), Matilda, Gumshoe and Maggey, and Max and Regina rounding out the table, and everyone was merrily chatting and laughing.

“I still don’t know where you put all that food away, Maya!” Maggey shook her head ruefully. “I had to pretty much starve myself this past half year in order to get back into pre-baby Jeff shape and fit into this outfit, and I needed to wear Spanx under this strapless gown regardless! And yet you were still diving into the appetizers when we got here, and somehow managed to polish off all four courses?!”

“You even put me to shame, Maya!” Luke snickered. “The good professor always used to rib me about being a walking human dustbin – I don’t know what he would say upon seeing you in action tonight, since you ate like a bird in England!”

“That’s because Mystic Maya couldn’t find the palette for blood sausage or steak and kidney pie!” Pearl wrinkled her nose. “Can’t say I blame her there!”

“The legendary Fey six stomachs prevail!” Maya boasted proudly, patting her flat stomach. “Nick always told me my metabolism would catch up to me one of these days if I kept being such a glutton, but so far, so good! Still a size four – or at least, I will be back up to it after tonight! I’m on a mission to gain back those two dress sizes I was forced to lose!”

“If I ate like you all the time, Maya, I’d bust the seams of my circus costume!” Regina griped cheerfully. “Luckily, being an animal trainer for a living doubles as a workout, so I can afford to indulge on occasional rich dishes like this without worrying too much about my husband having more of me to love!”

“It is most impressive how you’ve managed to have the opposite woe of most women and men, you lucky girl!” Max’s eyes danced with jollity. “I need to watch what I eat most times if I’m going to keep from breaking those flying cables of mine or want to keep baring these abs! If you weren’t so awesomesauce, sweetie, I’d totally hate you!”

“What’s really most impressive is how she managed to sweet-talk the serving staff into giving her all three dishes!” Phoenix chuckled. “Considering it wasn’t supposed to be a four course meal, but the choice of one main, plus the dessert!”

“I just told them if having the beef, the tuna and the cod costs extra, to just put it on Longines’s bill! I’m sure he won’t mind!” Maya smiled innocently, then winked at her boyfriend. “And luckily, Nick thinks having a lusty appetite is sexy!”

“I figure, why not let her go nuts?” Phoenix shrugged good-naturedly. “As long as I’m not paying it, nothing is too good for my Maya!”

Everyone burst out laughing at his witticism until a horrible thought hit him as soon his own chortling had subsided.

Wait! Why am I laughing?! As long as she’s with me, this will be the only time Maya is going to get to such fine dining, unless it’s on her dime, since at this point in my life, I would need to save up a week’s paycheck to even support her former burger habit!

Before he could fully slide down the slippery slope of lamenting his plight, and inability to support the lifestyle it appeared his lover had now become accustomed to, Maya was already wiping her hands off on her linen napkin and hauling him up by the arm.

“The band is still on break, so while everybody else is still finishing off their dinner, we might as well carpe diem! Come on Nick, speech time!”

“Speech?! What speech?!” He goggled at his girlfriend, uncertain that he’d heard her properly. “What the heck are you talking about, Maya?”

“You were best man at my cousin’s wedding, Nick,” she explained patiently. “This customarily means that you, along with Pearly, as maid of honor, need to say a few kind words of congratulations up at the podium for the happy newlyweds!”

“Are you serious?” Phoenix felt himself beginning to sweat drop. “This wedding was thrown together at the 11th hour! I don’t have any sort of speech prepared!”

“I haven’t gotten anything either, Mystic Maya.” Pearl bit her thumb and regarded her cousin shyly. “I don’t mind saying a few words, but would you mind taking over the maid of honor speech on my behalf? I get very nervous with public speaking, and I don’t want to ruin my big sister’s wedding because of my nerves!”

“Of course Pearly,” Maya replied kindly. “I’ve actually put together some thoughts, as I was using the time in between courses to look up some speech pointers online and jot down notes with my cell phone. Nick, why didn’t you do that?”

“Number one, I don’t think my archaic dumb phone even has data!” Phoenix retorted, still feeling slightly queasy at the whole notion. “I’m lucky I even have solitaire on this ancient thing! And number two, since this sudden duty of mine was sprung on me as unexpectedly as the ceremony itself, I couldn’t have possibly had the foresight to have attempted to do said mobile web research! And number three…”

“You’re too technologically incompetent to even know how to do such a thing!” The ever direct Edgeworth inserted dryly. “Stop dragging your feet and just go up there and wing it, Wright! It’s what you do best!”

“Edgeworth!” Phoenix hissed into his best friend’s ear, affecting his most beseeching voice. “You’re a much more articulate speaker than I am! Can’t you go up in my place?”

“Negative!” Was slate-haired man’s heartless reply as he drained the last droplets out of his ever-present bottle of Merlot into his wineglass and sipped at it pleasurably. “I could never support shirking your duty as a best man, especially when I was merely a groomsman for a wedding which I also had no preparation for whatsoever, including with my attire! Besides, I’m hardly in the right mindset to be a barrel of laughs in such an environment, in case you have already forgotten?”

Phoenix moaned inwardly. He had briefly overlooked the prosecutor’s own inner turmoil, and how enduring the awkwardness surrounding the impromptu occasion had to be just as discomfiting for the normally stoic man, as it was for himself, if not more so!

“Can’t you at least give me a few pointers about what is expected for me to say?” He implored pitifully. “Anything at all?!”

“Certainly!” Edgeworth raised his voice so that it was audible by the entire table then as he lifted his goblet in a mock toast. “Love: a single word, a wispy thing, a word no bigger or longer than an edge. That’s what it is: an edge; a razor. It draws up through the center of your life, cutting everything in two. Before and after. The rest of the world falls away on either side.”

There was a dead silence at the table as everybody else, completely unaware of the circumstances surrounding the thinly-veiled jocoserious barb, eyed their normally debonair, eloquent friend in disbelief.

Phoenix gawked at the other man in open-mouthed dismay. While nowhere as articulate or socially skilled as the magenta-suited man, even he knew that absolutely no part of that utterance could be usable for anything in his sudden obligatory speech, unless his goal was to cause spontaneous, combustive upheaval! He also realized that the copious amounts of alcohol in his friend’s system had dangerously loosened his tongue, and consequently, putting Miles Edgeworth in front of a microphone would not be a wise idea at all!

From somewhere within himself the best man managed to conjure up a light laugh, as if to make it appear that his friend had only been jesting, forcing a smile on his face as he rose from his seat.

“Ha-ha, good one Edgeworth! Never mind then, I’ll be fine. Er, I’ll think of something, I’m sure! I tend to do my best when put on the spot in situations like this. Well, for the most part, anyway…”

Still shooting one last, dubious glance at Edgeworth, Maya followed Pearl up to the podium, waving her hand in a beckoning motion for her boyfriend to follow her.

“Let’s go Nick! No point in trying to delay the inevitable! Worst case scenario…just picture everyone in the audience is naked! It works every time! Just keep your view off Reverend Paesano, because that’d be too gross – and possibly sacrilege, what with him being a holy man and all!”

“Make it good, Wright!” Edgeworth gave him a mock salute, seeming to enjoy his friend’s obvious stage fright. “Yours is the first speech of the night, and shall set mood for the entire evening! And be sure to mention how the happy couple has skipped one of the five proverbial rings during their whirlwind courtship!”

“Five rings?” The unassuming Luke asked blankly. “What do you mean?”

“Always remember the five rings of matrimony, good lad!” The former demon prosecutor was practically snarling in his drink as he voiced his ever-so-slightly slurred answer. “The engagement ring, the wedding ring…but let us not forget the inevitable suffering, the torturing and the enduring!”

It’s a good thing Pearls isn’t here to see how my never one to mince words companion’s insensitive commentary on the sanctity of marriage has just made her apparent “wedding aversion” beau turned 50 Shades of Pale! I’m going to take this as my cue to hightail it up to the microphone and get away from the newest wave of deafening silence my tipsy best friend has stirred at the formerly happy table!

Phoenix practically bolted up to the microphone at the podium beside Pearl and Maya and lightly tapped at it to ensure the sound was on.

“Testing. Testing, one, two, three…”

The speakers noisily echoed his shaky voice at a high pitch through the room, causing some of the guests literally stop dining and conversing and cover their ears at the earsplitting sound. The former King of the Turnabout flinched at the embarrassing blunder, finding only marginal comfort in the sympathetic smile he got from Pearl and the gentle squeeze of his hand his girlfriend gave him.

He felt the color mounting to his cheeks and flashed the room an embarrassed smile. He was also fully aware of the ever present Jesse, who had, naturally, caught his faux pas on video, as the videographer and Lotta were front and center, already in picture snapping and filming mode.

Seated at their sweetheart table in the front centre of the room next to the the stage, both Larry and Iris treated him to an encouraging smile. Clearing his throat, the best man commenced the biggest fly by the seat of his pants moment of his life since his impromptu pianist debut for Maya at The Borscht Bowl club back in 2019, when he’d played “I Will Break Every Law For You.”

“Hi. Sorry about that folks.” Phoenix smiled weakly as he wildly pondered where to begin. “Ah, good evening ladies and gentlemen. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Phoenix Wright. I’m Larry’s childhood friend and also his best man. My role today is, er as unexpected, as the wedding itself! This means, I didn’t have time to have a speech prepared, so I’m going to do traditionally what I do best…”

“You mean you’re going to bluff your way through this?” Larry wisecracked, to the unanimous merriment of the guests.

“Ha-ha! Um, no…” Phoenix scratched the back of the neck in an endearing fashion. “Ah, OK I’m going to do what I’ve been known to historically do second-best! I’m going to pull something out of thin air and hope… for the best!”

There was another roar from the invitees, which made the pianist relax somewhat as he went on.

“I have never been a best man before, and I am not renowned for my speech writing, although I’ll give this my all…such as it were. It was a great honor to be asked by Larry to be his best man on this important day in his life. Larry and I have done many things together during our almost life-long friendship. Over the years we’ve built go-carts together, rode our bikes together, tried to chat up girls together – note the word “tried” there!”

Another appreciative laugh from the crowd.

“Like all friends, we’ve certainly had our ups as well as our downs. I remember back to times when a petty argument would arise from nowhere. Then Larry would call me ‘barbed head’, and I’d call him ‘smelly Butz’. And then it would spiral out of all proportion and we’d each end up running home in tears. But sure enough, the next day, Larry would drop by my house and we’d make up, as all good friends do, no matter how old. Our friendship has been through its share of ups and downs, but we’ll always be friends.”

Phoenix shot the newlyweds a winsome smile.

“Before I finish, I’d like to ask Larry and Iris to participate in this little speech now. Iris if I can ask you to place your hand flat on the table, yes, palm down dear…”

Hesitantly, Iris obeyed the instructions, a confused smile on her lovely face. The speaker beamed broadly, then turned to the groom.

“Right, Larry, if you would please place your hand directly on top of Iris, yes, just like that. There we go! Now Larry, I want you to make the most of this moment…”

Phoenix waited for dramatic effect, his legendary courtroom theatrics in full effect.

“…Because it’s the last time you’ll have the upper hand!”

The best man paused as everyone cracked up, especially the bride and groom, feeling his confidence mounting as he rounded the bend.

“In seriousness though, Iris and Larry have begun a truly wonderful life together. Today’s ceremony sealed together two spirits that have already begun traveling the path of two becoming one, in a lifetime of love. Love is not obsession or desperation. Love is passion, yes, but it is a silent one. Love is trust. It has no expectations. It is trusting the Divine. It is trusting in Love’s own power. There is no control or manipulation attached to it. Love is energy, and energy must move all the time. Expansion, creation, beauty, friendship, all is Love. Love is simple, yet a miracle.”

Phoenix took a deep breath as he thought about the closing words to wrap-up his unplanned, but totally wholehearted oration.

“I offer my own blessings to you both, my friends, for a continued happy journey down that path, in a long, prosperous, and happy life together. And I’m honored and proud to stand here today, and ask all of you to raise a glass to him and to his lovely bride, Iris. May you be friends to each other as only lovers can, and may you love each other as only best friends can! Congratulations!”

He was smiling bashfully as he received a round of hearty applause when he was done, and blushed as Maya leaned forward to peck him on the cheek before taking his hand and stepping back, giving the chance for Pearl to step up to the microphone.

“Wow, thanks for paving the way for me, Mr. Nick! You did a great job!”

The teen beamed at Phoenix and gave him a thumbs up, then faced the guests with a demure smile.

“I’m not sure what to say here. I’m Pearl Fey, Iris’s little sister, the maid of honor. I never knew Larry very well before he courted Sis, so I can’t tell you guys a bunch of horrible before and after stories of him…but I can tell you that I think he was meant for my sister! He’s a true romantic and I love the way he proposed to her! He’s adventurous, spontaneous, enthusiastic, and has a spice for life. For as long as I’ve known him, he’s always been easy going, interesting, easy to talk to, and he fits so well into our family – he’s just like the brother I never had!”

Pearl hadn’t planned on gushing, but her hands automatically had flown to her cheeks, and she was beaming like a ray of sunshine as she wrapped up.

“I wish Larry and Iris years and years of happiness, joy and love, even more than they’ve experienced today, surrounded by their friends and family. Anyone who could be half as happy as this couple is would be happy all the days of their life, with happiness to spare. Larry, welcome to the family. Sis, I love you! Congratulations!”

The spirit medium blushed as there was another warm round of clapping, then she stepped back and allowed Maya to take over next, although unlike Phoenix and Pearl, there was no timidity or hesitation on the Master’s face as she cheerfully addressed the masses.

“Thank you, Pearly, and moreover, thank you Nick. I agree, you did give a great speech, despite it being completely improvised, and even though I have the techy skills to have done a bit of online research to compose my thoughts, that memorable homily is still going to be a tough act to follow!”

Maya was bubblier than a bottle of champagne.

“As the best man said, we have gathered to honor the wedding of Larry and Iris. I don’t get all dressed up for just anyone, but when two people who are so in love tell me to put on my fancy clothes, this is what happens. They say love is blind, but I don’t know if I believe that. Everyone within a twenty mile radius of lovebirds can clearly see the ridiculous amounts of love between the two of you. Men may be from Mars and women may be from Venus, but Larry, Iris…you are so in love it astounds the entire universe!”

The invitees tittered at the wit of the gregarious village leader, who thanks to her line of work, was perfectly at home publicly speaking.

“Cousin, not only are you the epitome of kindness and selflessness, you’re obviously persistent in your endeavors, but never overbearing or ruthless. Furthermore, you’ve always maintained your ladylike composure, with inimitable class and grace that is equal to any nobility or sovereign, which I’ve always both admired and envied. Iris, I am so proud to have you as my family, and as much as you have protected me, I too feel protective of you, even though now I see that beneath your gentle demeanor, you never really needed a hand to hold, because you are strong and courageous and can hold your own in this world.”

Maya’s eyes filled with tears of emotion as she looked at cousin, who gave her a loving, slightly teary smile in return.

“For those of you who don’t know my incredible cousin, allow me to regale you. Although she can easily stand by herself, her heart yearns for more than the self-sufficiency she has achieved. Her enjoyment of heart-oneness is greater than her need for heart-safety. Her bliss in communion is greater than her need for deliberate communication. Her living art is to be free, surrendered open as her true power, the flow of infinite love.”

Phoenix stood back with silent pride as the woman he loved did what she did best – captivated anybody and everybody around her. The guests were leaning forward in their chairs now, all intently listening to her speak with expectant smiles of delight.

“Now as Mrs. Butz, I am sure Iris will only grow stronger, and I have no doubt that she will be a wonderful wife to her husband. I only recently have become privy to just how loyal and loving a kinswoman Iris been over the years, but as my family, I can say that I couldn’t, in good conscience, have let her marry anyone who didn’t deserve her. But you, Larry Butz, have proven that you more than deserve my cousin’s hand.”

Larry looked deeply touched by the homage being paid to him and his wife, and smiled genially, just as Maya’s grin turned mischievous.

“Cousin Larry, on your wedding day, I’d like to remind you that while you can’t buy happiness – a luxury home and a few sports cars on the driveway could totally help!”

The crowd all laughed at the gag, but Phoenix felt the smile on his lips fading slightly as he realized he was in zero position to provide either of those things to the woman he wished to someday marry!

“I’m only kidding! Anyway, Larry for you, along with my best wishes, I also have some advices for the future,” Maya went on gaily. “Number one: She is always right. Number two: She always needs some new clothes or jewelry which are fitting for any occasion…along with a good bottle of imported vino…”

Ouch! Phoenix cringed inwardly even though he was certain – or rather, praying! –Maya was still only joking. If that’s what it takes to truly keep a wife happy, my broke ass is shit out of luck!

“…Number three: for a happily married life, check advice number one again!”

Maya still wasn’t done.

“Let me add that the groom looks quite handsome today, and it is a real pleasure to welcome Larry into our family. He’s come such a long way from when I first met him, when he wasn’t more than a reckless scoundrel who couldn’t even hold down a steady job or girlfriend, and always needed Nick to bail him out of trouble! But look at how far he’s come now! He’s a renowned, respectable artist of worldwide acclaim who anyone would be proud to join together with, and it is with great pride that we now embrace him as the newest part of the Fey clan!”

How times have changed! Phoenix winced inwardly, his feelings of despair slowly resurfacing. Now Larry’s the respectable artist, and I’m the borderline criminal loser hobo who wouldn’t do members of this esteemed family any favors by associating with or aligning themselves with me!

Maya continued to chirp on, unaware of the dagger she’d just unwittingly pierced in her lover’s heart – yet again.

“Larry not only has a genuine heart of gold, he is sweet and caring. He’s also proven to be not only quite the gentleman, but he’s still got that great sense of humor I’ve known and loved for ages! We know he’s made for us, and we hope we’re made for him! He and my cousin are a perfect fit. Larry to you, I would like to say that Iris is definitely at her happiest when she is standing by your side. The two of you didn’t need to waste unnecessary extra time delaying the inevitable – you both knew it was right for you make your union official for some time now – and just went for it! In fact, I am inspired by a movie quote which I believe perfectly describes the love you guys share: When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with a person, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”

Keep twisting that knife my love. Phoenix shut his eyes. Larry and Iris… Married after six months of courtship…whereas we are nowhere near altar-bound, despite being together for six years…but who’s counting, right?

The spirit medium was drawing to a close now, and lifted the wine glass in her hand as she beamed at the newlyweds.

“These two people have committed themselves to one another today, and I know I consider myself a fortunate person to have been honored by being included in their wedding day. This is truly an occasion to celebrate, so let’s raise our glasses and toast to a life full of love, and toast to Mr. and Mrs. Butz!”

Maya’s speech resulted in another round of applause, but even though Phoenix joined in the clapping, which his lover richly deserved for her wonderful proclamations, his heart was no longer into it as his mind continued to replay the same unhappy treadmill of tortures of poisonous past.

All he could think about was the words of the Dragon Lady coming back to haunt him about he was still a big fat nobody. Between that and seeing Maya’s enthused reactions to the opulence of the reception hall, and now hearing her speech, then witnessing just how at home his girlfriend seemed to be in all this splendor – he’d dare say she even preferred it! –it only made him even more dejected.

Phoenix affixed the placid grin he’d perfected over the years and kept it in place as they returned to their table, smiling his thanks as their friends all effusively complimented him and the Feys on their moving and warmhearted speeches. He didn’t need to worry much about how his sincere his reactions were, thankfully, as it was now the bride and groom’s turns to speak at the podium.

Larry Butz and Iris Hawthorne
The Ballroom, Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel
June 16, 2026 9:40 PM

Larry had an arm wrapped around his smiling wife’s shoulders as he smilingly spoke into the microphone.

“Good evening everyone. I planned to do a very short speech today, but someone reminded me that this would be the only opportunity that I would have with my wife and mother-in-law in the same room and not get interrupted… so this may take some time! Nonetheless, I promise to maintain a fine balance – my testimonial today shall be like a mini skirt – long enough to cover the essentials, and short enough to hold your attention!”

Even Edgeworth had to crack a smile at that zinger while around the room, the invitees all hooted.

“Same old Butz, married or not,” he muttered in Phoenix’s ear, although he now sounded more full of wry affection rather than sounding like he was merely full of piss and vinegar! “But I suppose we neither of us would have it any other way!”

Phoenix could only muster a slight smile in response, too lost in his own personal torment now to pay mind to much else as the groom went on.

“Most people on their wedding day describe it as the happiest day of their lives. That worries me, because it implies that as from tomorrow, there’s a lifelong decline ahead, so I’m making the most of today. However, I’m so happy today that even days less happy would still be blissful.”

The groom was grinning from ear to ear.

“Apart from my wife, there are two other beautiful ladies here whom I’d like to mention. Firstly, I would like to say thank you to the bridal attendants, my new cousin and sister-in-law, Maya and Pearl Fey. You both look amazeballs. It wouldn’t have been the same without you two helping my Iris through today. I am so happy to call you family now.”

Pearl and Maya smiled happily to be acknowledged in such a gracious manner and blew the bride and groom a kiss.

“Sister Bikini, I want to let you know that I have received: one daughter, in perfect, mint condition, fully guaranteed, fully warranted. Comes complete with all extras. As per my new cousin Maya’s advice, I’ll ensure to keep her topped up with expensive clothing, jewelry, and fine wine.”

The Fey girls snickered along with all the others in the room, except for Phoenix, who felt the reminder of that specific part of Maya’s speech as yet another twist of the blade in his heart, and was already pouring himself a glass of white wine, since Edgeworth had apparently consumed all the red!

“In all seriousness, though, I’d like to now pay homage to my new mother in law, Sister Bikini. I thank you not only for your constant hospitality and your kindness, but for also giving me your kind, loving daughter, Iris. I want to thank you for taking me into this family, as it really has meant a lot to me. Most importantly, thank you for raising such an angelic and beautiful woman. I promise you, I’ll take good care of her.”

Sister Bikini was openly weeping joyful tears at the touching words into her linen napkin, which she waved at Larry briefly while blowing the newlyweds multiple kisses, before resuming her happy sobbing while Matilda wrapped an arm around her shoulder. Larry smiled awkwardly, but then continued.

“Mystic Matilda, your contribution of unlocking my wife’s mystical talents and aiding her spiritual journey to help form who she is today has been nothing short of amazing. I’d also like to thank you for all you’ve done.”

Matilda smiled and waved with her free hand, then reached for another napkin to give the bride’s mother, who’d soaked through her own already with her waterworks.

“Nick and Edgy, I also want thank my childhood best friends who’ve put up with me for all these years, helped me enormously over the ages, and have seen me through thick and thin. Mainly thick, if I’m being honest, yet you’ve both been there for me when I’ve needed you. On top of that, you’ve given me a wonderful start in life, with your gracious help and support of this marriage, and I’m very fortunate and proud to have you not only as my groomsmen but as the brothers I’ve never had.”

Phoenix was momentarily shaken from his morose state to actually be touched by this unexpected acknowledgement, and the smiles of appreciation which he and the equally surprised Edgeworth directed at the groom were genuine. Larry then winked at his best man, Butz style.

“Also Nick, thanks for what you said in your speech… but more importantly for what you didn’t say! I appreciate the kind words! Hope $20 was enough!”

This time, the pianist chuckled along with everyone else.

Edgeworth was right! Married or not, he’s still the same ol’ Larry Butz!

“Finally, I’d like to thank all of you for coming today. It is amazing to feel all this love and friendship. Thank you for your good wishes and for joining us in our celebration, which I know wasn’t even intended for us! Also thank you for your gifts, which you’re kindly letting us keep, even though we aren’t the original recipients! I am sure all of these will help us in our new life together, so much appreciated!”

The artist’s tone turned rife with meaning in the next instant.

“For those of you who don’t know, we men do have visions of our wedding day when we are younger. They may not be the same as you women’s dreams, about dresses and big churches, but nevertheless we do have dreams. When I was younger, my dream was to marry a picturesque woman, and be happy for the rest of our lives, have a family and to have a nice home. This is what I wanted from a marriage. When I met Iris, I knew that she was different. She made me laugh in different ways, and the feeling of happiness I get when I am around her cannot be described. My wife is more than I could ever have hoped for. Wow, I called Iris my wife. Feels weird, but I have a lifetime for it to grow on me. I absolutely cannot wait to grow old with this woman! I love you milady.”

Larry gazed at his wife with undying adoration as he spoke his last words.

“Finally, I would like to thank my wife – I think I’m going to enjoy getting used to saying that! – for agreeing to marry me and for making me the happiest man in the world! I think you’ll agree that she looks absolutely gorgeous today, and when she walked up the aisle, not for the first time, she took my breath away. I am absolutely delighted to be able stand here today with Iris. I never knew what was missing in my life before I met her. Iris has been a source of friendship, support and love.

They say you don’t marry someone you can live with – you marry the person who you can’t live without and I think that sums us up perfectly. If I had to single out one thing about why I love Iris so much, it would be the fact that she makes me happier than I ever dreamed I could be. And I intend to spend the rest of my life making sure that the reverse is also true. Now, could you all please raise your glasses to my wife, the woman I love, my beautiful Iris!”

“Cheers!” The guests all cried as they lifted their glasses, and, even louder than before, burst into ovation as Larry planted a loud kiss on the giggling bride’s cheek. Blushing gorgeously, Iris came up to the podium next, still holding her husband’s hand as she gazed out at her guests.

“Every little girl dreams of her wedding day…a day of love and magic that will leave its imprint in her heart forever. Today, I have my fairytale, but its magnificence is beyond anything I could have imagined. I could live the rest of my life in this moment, surrounded by my friends and family and never want for anything more.”

Iris’s mellifluous voice was positively mesmerizing as she spoke with her signature eloquence.

“And who else could have created such perfection but my guardian angels? Pearl, Maya and Feenie. Your love flows through my veins, your spirits fills my heart and your knowledge guides me towards success. There are no words adequate enough to say thank you, to you three for everything you’ve done. Instead I’ll say I love you…all of you, completely, unconditionally and forever. You are my blessing, my axis… my everything.”

Hearing such heartfelt sweetness made Phoenix feel somewhat less rotten for a moment, and he joined Maya and Pearl in smiling warmly at the bride for her kind sentiments. He genuinely adored Iris, and it meant a lot to know she held a special place for him in her heart as well.

“To my mother, Sister Bikini…Who could have asked for better? You have been my foundation throughout my life. You celebrated my successes and quadrupled my happiness, but when life attacked me, you all closed ranks around me and took the brunt of the blows yourself. We are bound together by ties of love and blood and every day that passes only makes those bonds stronger. My pillar of strength, thank you for loving me. I love you so much.”

Sister Bikini had barely recovered from Larry’s speech, but her daughter’s words only set off another round of Niagara Falls. She didn’t even look up from wiping her newly streaming eyes as she blindly accepted all ten napkins all handed simultaneously handed to her in the next instant, and emitted a comical honking sound as she blew her nose and mouthed back, I love you, baby.

“A special thanks for their kindness and generosity to Mr. Edgeworth and Mystic Matilda, and to the absent, but not forgotten, Longines Beaugosse, who bequeathed us this grand venue so Lawrence and I could celebrate our love with you all. Esteemed guests, you have travelled from far and wide, sacrificing your time to share this day with us even though it was intended for another duo! Thank you for honoring us with your presence. With your blessings and goodwill, I am sure the road ahead is paved with happiness. May God bless you and keep you safe on your journey back home.”

A radiant smile lit up Iris’s face as she turned to regard Larry.

“Ultimately, my biggest thank you today goes to my new husband for loving me and for marrying me. To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage, and I have grown so much in both areas because of him. Lawrence, you’re the perfect man: adorable, intelligent, funny, ambitious, kind and sensitive. Those of you who know my husband well, especially those of you who have seen his works, know that as a talented artist with a fragile but humble ego, he thrives on praise and positive feedback.”

The bride’s tone took on a playful inflection.

“So to start our marriage as I mean to go on, with plenty of praise and positive feedback, here are the top five things I love about you.

Number one: You can do anything. From patching up those log cabins to handyman work, to fishing, to emergency ankle treatment, you are a more multi-talented than you give yourself credit for.

Number two: You’re unfailingly honest and you can’t lie, even when confronted with the ugly truths, like about the man you used to be. You admit to what you’ve been, and only emphasize how you’re now better.

Number three: You’re strikingly insightful. In fact, I think you’re wiser than you think! When I’ve told you my problems or issues, you can instantly see the best solution on how to cope and life me up when I’m down. It’s like having a professional mentor on hand who can coach me through any difficult situation!

Number four: This one is quite short and sweet. I love hearing you laugh. It’s the best sound in the world.

Number five: Your ability to make everything in life funnier – and more fun. You brighten up my life with not only your laughter, but you make me laugh more than anyone I’ve ever known, my clownish knight in paint-speckled armor! I love you with all my heart.”

Larry looked as though he were going to burst into elated tears any moment. Iris lifted her hand and placed it against his cheek as she brought it home.

“My darling, I so look forward to life with you. You have given me so much to be thankful for. I could not have asked for a better husband. You are the centre of my world and the light in my life. I will stand beside you and for you, no matter what life sends our way. Today, before all these witnesses, we united our soul, two halves of a perfect whole. I would now like to end with proposing a toast to my wonderful husband, who is amazing in so many different ways. Would you all please stand and raise your glasses, to Lawrence!”

In the next instant, in the applause that followed, it was hard to tell if the thunderous ovation was because the raucous guests were enthusiastically following the orders of the bride to toast her groom, or just a reflection of the delight shared in general as Larry then pulled his wife into his arms, eager to express his love without a need for words. He dipped her back over his arm and closed his eyes as their lips brushed lightly, hesitating as he realized that they had a captive audience watching them yet again, even though her eyes were silently urging him to complete the act.

“If you ask me to kiss you for real, milady, I gladly will,” he whispered, his breath warm against her ear.

The clinking of the spoons against glasses from the guests indicated there would be no objections if they were to do so.

“Kiss me, Larry,” she breathed, already closing her eyes.

He did, and Iris was completely lost.

It was the kind of kiss that inspired stars to climb into the sky and light up the world. The kind that took forever and no time at all, and everyone present actually felt blessed to be a witness of what true, everlasting love looked like.

Phoenix Wright and Maya Fey
The Ballroom, Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel
June 16, 2026 10:00 PM

It was like a bucket of ice water to the face when the magic moment abruptly cut short by a rowdy, nasally twang, which was suddenly heard in the next instant, interrupting the happy couple’s moment of perfection. The blaring sound was equally as jarring to the guests as it was to the actual lovers themselves, as Lotta Hart’s loud hickish drawl rang out over the din from the band platform, where the band had set up again.

“Alright! Alright! That there’s enough already! Cool your jets before someone turns the dang hose on yew two!”

The walking feather duster was standing center stage, an uncomfortable-looking Jesse right beside her. The blushing young man waved feebly at the crowd but remained silent.

“We get it! Larris, yer two being two peas in a pod!” Lotta put her hands on her hips. “We ain’t lost sight that it just dills yer pickle to be playing tonsil hockey all night! But while witnessing y’all two spit swappin’ has most of these folks grinnin’ like a possum eatin’ a sweet tater, I’d like to remind ya that there are still single depressed people here who might need a reprieve from seeing the dang prelude to the baby Butz making y’all are fixin to do later, no doubt till the cows come home!”

The guests fell into shocked silence while Larry and Iris blushed and reluctantly separated. Phoenix was too confounded to do more than simply remain goggle-eyed at the galling audacity of the photographer and videographer, while Edgeworth muttered disgustedly under his breath and downed his umpteenth glass of wine.

Maya had actually begun booing at the stage, which the shameless southerner pointedly ignored.

“Don’t get your bowels in an uproar, yer kidneys in a downpour, and yer liver in a jar folks! I ain’t no fool – If I had my druthers, I’d druther y’all would want to get on with the shindig instead of listening to me yammerin! And I’d be mighty happy to oblige, as traditionally after the speeches, the happy couple has their first dance. As y’all can see, most of The Pink Tacos have reconvened from their break – but the fellas are still waitin’ on their dang son of an onion bassist, who is missing their G string!”

There was a dumbfounded stillness amongst the masses as the dual innuendo term sunk in, and Jesse blushed furiously as he leaned into the microphone, attempting to clarify.

“Er, she’s not talking about his type of underwear, guys! What she means, is the bass guitarist, who is also the leader singer, broke the G string for his guitar, during last set!” The cameraman amended quickly. “Therefore the couple’s first dance has to be delayed, but in the meantime, against my better judgment, and only under the promise of getting Arby’s as well as Taco Bell – I guess you could say I’m literally singing for my supper! – Ms. Hart and I are going to be your entertainment for the next performance, which it turns out shan’t require the missing in action instrument…”

Lotta yanked the microphone away.

“Small world that is, I used to go to college with these fellers before they hit it big, and I’ve always wanted to perform for a crowd! I used to be their roadie before I went and became a journalist! So, Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, Ima sing a retro classic for y’all until that bass is fixed, with my videographer sidekick taking over backup male vocals!”

She winked at Jesse, who flashed a sickly grin in response.

“This modest fella claims he couldn’t carry a tune if he had a bucket with a lid on it, but luckily, he don’t need to belt out too many lyrics for this little ditty! I’d also like to take the chance to say this is the swankiest scene I’ve ever been to! Talk about shittin’ in high cotton!”

Lotta then fixed her prying eyes on Maya and her lips curved into a nasty smirk.

“Maya girl, I hope you don’t think I’m too big for my britches with these next words. Fer the record, I admit that I had me some of this here mighty fine wine while I was shutter buggin, so chances are Ima feel like a can of mashed arseholes in the morning, while yew will be madder than a wet hen by what Ima say…”

The pianist felt his mouth go dry in dreadful anticipation, and without even turning his head, wordlessly extended his wine glass towards Edgeworth. The prosecutor mutely poured his friend’s chalice to the brim before promptly refilling his own drained one.

“Girl, you are as fine as frogs hair, and as sweet as Cleopatra’s wine, so I ain’t gonna flat out say I reckon ya only got one oar in the water for giving up the billionaire who coulda provided ya with a lifetime of this luxe grub that’d make yer tongue slap yer brains out!”

Lotta scratched at her fro and smiled dopily.

“Sure blondie was light in the loafers, but he was also so dang rich he could buy a new boat when he gets the other one wet! It must be love, not just somethin’ ya did in a fever, to give all this up for your spiky-haired fella! I’m just sayin’! I mean, ya, he’s hotter than a pepper sprout but we all know he couldn’t buy a hummingbird on a string for a nickel. …”

Maya let out an outraged gasp.

It’s like a train wreck from hell! Phoenix squeezed his eyes closed as waves of humiliation washed over him. But even if I look away, I can’t un-hear the loathsome words, which although totally inappropriate and impudent, are nothing but the truth!

“…so I reckon he’s swingin’ some serious pipe then?” Lotta leered at the mortified Phoenix before turning to Maya again with a wink. “Hey, it takes moola to ride the train and drink likker, so fo’ sho’ I ain’t gonna have the coin to ever be in high falootin’ place like this here again! Good thing yew got yer own fortune if ya ever wanna splurge again! OK, I’m done jawin’! Hit, it guys!”

The band struck up the music as they began to play the song, which although familiar, was still the last thing on the scarred mind of the ex-lawyer, who felt as though he’d been sucker-punched as he was once again catapulted into the same despaired state of unworthiness he’d been in earlier.

“That woman is nothing more than a crass, drunken heathen Wright! Pay her no mind,” Edgeworth murmured in his ear as he clapped a supportive hand on the card shark’s shoulder while he rose from his seat. “If it helps at all, since both the cameraman and photographer are on stage, there was nobody recording any of that asinine blathering, which will forgotten by everyone in the morning…”

Baby, just remember I gave you my heart,
ain’t no-one gonna tear us apart.
He can promise the moon and the stars above,
even if he promised me the world
Just remember I’m forever your girl.

He could promise the world.
Just remember, I’m forever your girl…

Lotta was now caterwauling the lyrics with all she had, obviously figuring what she didn’t have in talent, she could atone for with volume!

The attorney glared in the direction of the stage as Jesse shakily chimed in at the male parts of “Forever Your Girl.”

“At least the videographer’s voice is more bearable than the squealing pig in a vacuum cleaner that is the lead singer – not that it says much!” Edgeworth grimaced. “Perhaps the fact that there will be no recorded commemoration of either that harpy’s preceding drivel, or this croaking assault to my ears, is finally some sort of blessing for us! But in the meantime, as there are no earplugs in sight and we are now out of wine, I shall go attempt to dull the rest of my senses at the bar!”

Phoenix remained unmoving in his seat, his head spinning. He was mortified, frozen to the spot. He felt traumatized. He couldn’t believe such a thing had happened, and in front of everybody, too! His mind kept replaying the cruel words, which muted the murmurs of sympathy from the others at the table, along with the ironic lyrics, which was about a woman assuring her less than auspicious swain how only his love, not his slender wallet, mattered to her!

To be fair, had all the other events prior to it not occurred, the song would have been music to his ears!

Well, fine, maybe not quite music, considering the seagull who’s singing, but the sappiness would have been somewhat comforting!

But the series of unfortunate events had transpired. Ergo, the song solely felt like coarse sea salt being rubbed into his newly re-opened raw, festering wounds.

Baby, just remember I gave you my heart, 
ain’t no-one gonna tear us apart. 
Baby, he could promise me diamonds, 
even if he promised me pearls…

“Nick?” Maya’s voice was soft in his ear. “I hope you’re not taking any of what that ridiculous cotton-candy haired cretin’ said to heart! She’s just a jealous spinster in the making, who’s going to die alone and in poverty, hopefully choking on a fast-food churro! But at least the song itself isn’t too bad – it’s just badly sung! You do know that is how I actually feel about you, don’t you? That I’m forever your girl?”

Dull midnight blue eyes met loving mocha ones, but Phoenix could only half concentrate on the comforting words his girlfriend was saying. All he could think about was how as much as he knew Maya loved him, she had literally forsaken a man who could have given her the actual world – along with diamonds and pearls – which her words and actions seemed to imply she wasn’t against enjoying; it just meant she’d have to buy them on her own dime since he couldn’t even afford a pot to piss in!

And for what? A man who can barely support himself, never mind her? Who’s not only so broke, he couldn’t jump over a nickel to save a dime? Whose name, unlike Larry’s, is still associated with scandal and disgrace? There’s nothing Mildew and the Southern She-Devil said that isn’t true. Nothing’s changed! Sure I can be with Maya now without her life being in peril, but at what cost?! So her name can be dragged in the mud along with mine?!

Phoenix shot up out of his chair, unable to bear Maya’s earnest face for another minute.

“I need to go to the bathroom, my love,” he lied numbly, purposely averting his gaze. “Excuse me.”

Without even turning his head, he made an immediate beeline to the bar, which was now being tended by a staff member, and found Edgeworth there, emptying out the contents of his tumbler and swirling the rest with ice so he could toss back the final drops when they melted.

Phoenix jerked his thumb towards the lawyer as he gestured to the bartender.

“I’ll have what he’s having.”

“A Night in Hell?” The server asked, evidently referring to the drink Edgeworth had made them earlier.

“You don’t know the half of it,” Phoenix mumbled, slumping back against the counter and dragging a hand down his face, uncaring that he’d purposely misunderstood the question.

Edgeworth’s lips twitched to fight back a smirk as he jutted his chin at the mixologist.

“Better make that a double, good man. As a matter of fact…make it two!”