50 DILF

“The most difficult part of dating as a single parent is deciding how much risk your own child’s heart is worth.”
~Daniel Pearce~

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Phoenix Wright and Trucy Wright
Wright Talent Agency
October 14, 2019, 4:00 PM

“It was so hot today, Daddy!” Trucy exclaimed as she barged into the office. She fanned herself dramatically with her magician’s hat as she took off her cape and hung it up on the hat rack by the front door. “The school bus driver says this is what they call Indian summer!”

“It’s at least 102 degrees,” her father agreed, taking a swig of his cold bottle of grape juice and leaning closer to the whirring fan perched on the coffee table. “And still a scorcher, even this late in the day! A sizzler for sure!”

“I bet you could fry an egg by cracking it on the sidewalk!”

Quite possibly.

Phoenix took off his beanie and fanned himself with it. He was seated on the sofa, having forsaken his usual sweatsuit instead of a tank top and shorts, but as neither the office nor upstairs apartment had air conditioning (that cost extra!) he had few other ways of keeping cool, aside from lounging in the tub for a cold bath for another half hour…which he’d already done that day, twice!

For once the sub-zero temperatures at The Borscht Bowl would have been welcome, but he didn’t work that night, so there appeared to be no visible relief in sight. He’d already gone through a half box of popsicles! He got up off the couch and presented his daughter with some cheese and crackers he’d prepared for her after-school snack. Normally he’d have told her to go eat upstairs in the kitchen, but it was even hotter up there!

“Do you work tonight, Truce?”

He smiled indulgently as she dug in hungrily into her fare. Gosh, the girl could eat! Thankfully, despite his current plight and diminished funds, he was still able to keep her healthy appetite fed. Aside from those generous but anonymous cash donations that kept coming in the mail intermittently, he was also actually making a couple of extra dollars in tips for his piano playing, as well as his poker playing as of late. Who would have ever known that his mastering of show tunes would have turned out to be semi-lucrative?

She shook her head as she chugged down a whole bottle of apple juice.

“Nope, not tonight. That means it’s just you and me then, Daddy! What do you want to do?”

The pianist thoughtfully put a finger to his chin. “Hmmm, let me think…”

“You decide! In the meantime, you wanna hear what happened to me at school today?”

“Of course, baby girl.” He reached for his ever-present bottle. “Why don’t you tell me a little about your day while I brainstorm a way we can beat this heat?”

“First, I have a question then. Daddy, what’s a DILF?”

Phoenix had just taken a swig of juice then and nearly choked at the words.

“Say what?!” He gawped at his daughter in disbelief.

Good Lord, please tell me I didn’t hear her right…

“A DILF? I never heard of that word before so I thought maybe you could tell me?”

Ngh! So I did hear her right?! Sweet Jesus, of all the times for my hearing not to be failing me …

“What!? Where…how in the world did you hear that word, Trucy?!”

“Well, because I heard my teacher, Miss Hickey… you know, you met her last week at parent/teacher night?”

“Uh-huh…” he replied slowly. “What about her?”

He barely repressed a shudder at the memory of the shapely, overly tanned, titian-haired cougar who’d had zero respect for his boundaries. She’d continuously kept in way too close proximity to him during the entire uncomfortable evening when the “very single” barracuda had seemed more interested in discussing his lack of wedding band than his daughter’s academic prowess! She’d also been much too keen on lasciviously bending over in her slightly too-low-cut blouse repeatedly before his embarrassed eyes, while repetitively letting him know that her first name was Ivana.

“Anyway, I had to come back inside to use the bathroom during recess, and I heard Miss Hickey talking to the music teacher, Miss Wigglywomp today in the staff lounge, and they were talking about some of the parents from that night. I heard Miss Hickey say that I was lucky to have a daddy who was such a total DILF and that you shouldn’t bother wearing that baggy sweatshirt around, because it wasn’t fooling anyone about what kind of sexy lay beneath!”

The hobo’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head. Undaunted, his daughter continued in her rehashing.

“…And then she described your bedroom blue eyes – what does that mean Daddy? That you look sleepy?”

Holy jumping Moses in a sidecar!

Phoenix couldn’t have answered that question at that moment if his life had depended on it! Shrugging at his continued abashed silence, Trucy went on.

“So then Miss Wigglywomp said based on that sexy DILF description, she wouldn’t mind having a wriggly romp with you either, whatever that means…”

Phoenix flat-out choked on his grape juice this time, coughing so hard Trucy had to come and thump him on the back. He gasped a few times, thinking asphyxiation on his favorite drink was preferable to having this conversation with his 8-year-old! He couldn’t believe the inappropriate conduct his daughter’s educational advisers carried themselves in and had half a mind to complain to the school board about this!

If this proceeding conversation right now didn’t make him die of embarrassment first!

Having seen the raunchy comedy classic film, American Pie, he, of course, knew what the term MILF meant, but up until that moment, he’d had no idea that the male counterpart to Mother I’d Love to Fuck had become so mainstream!

Or that it would ever be used in conjunction with him in any way, shape, or form!

“Daddy?” Trucy was looking at him expectantly once she’d ascertained he wasn’t going to choke to death. “What does DILF mean? It is the same thing as sexy? My friend Gouda Berger says that sexy means –”

“It um, means, Daddy I’ll Love Forever!” Phoenix improvised on the spot, hoping his daughter would now cease this beyond-disturbing conversation. “Yeah… that’s it!”

“Oh, that’s so cool! It’s so nice, that my teacher can tell what a loving Daddy I have, and tells people that he is a DILF!” She smiled brightly. “I’m going to tell all my friends at school tomorrow that my Daddy is a DILF!”

“Er…maybe you shouldn’t do that, Truce!” He said quickly.

His moppet eyed him quizzically, and he awkwardly scratched the back of his neck.

“I mean, it would sound like Miss Hickey only says such, ah, nice things about me and not about the other kids’ mommies and daddies. And that wouldn’t be good, because then they would all be sad … and feel, ah, left out, you know what I mean?”

“Hmm, that’s true,” the child mused thoughtfully. “I wouldn’t want to make any of the boys and girls in the class feel bad.”

“That’s my baby girl!” He sighed in relief and lifted her into his arms, hugging her tightly.

“Gouda says sexy means you have muscles!” The magician informed him, poking her tiny finger into his firm bare shoulder. “I don’t understand why muscles make you sexy though! I think they look weird and funny and lumpy!”

The poker champ drew back and stared at her, his eyes wide with disbelief.

“Don’t worry, you’re not so bad! I remember my other daddy was much bigger and lumpier than you are Daddy!” Trucy giggled, not noticing the pink tinge forming in Phoenix’s cheeks. “But lately, I’ve noticed that your lumps have gotten bigger since the springtime – Miss Hickey is right, you can still see the outline of your lumps even in your sweatshirt, and I can see them now even more!” She poked at his bicep again and grinned impishly. “Does that mean you’ve been trying to be even more sexy, Daddy?”

No! Becoming allegedly sexier is just a side effect from the long daytime jogs, free weights, and calisthenics I’ve been doing to burn off the steam I’ve got pent up from having a beautiful girlfriend who lives two hours away that I’m not allowed to see! This, consequently, also means that I have not been able to make love to said siren for the past five months – phone and Skype sex notwithstanding!

“Grgh!” The DILF croaked, having no idea how to answer such a question.

“It’s OK if you want to be sexy, Daddy!” Trucy grinned. “Ladies like muscles and muscles are sexy and if they think you look sexy…”

For the love of God, Truce, stop saying the word sexy! I never want to hear that word ever again, especially coming from you, for the rest of my life!

“Then that means you can get me a new mommy!” She finished happily. “A new Mommy for my sexy Daddy!”

That did it! The hobo shot up from the couch, nearly knocking Trucy to the ground in his haste. He fanned his face with his hand, which felt as if it were on fire, despite the beads of sweat rolling off his temples! He desperately needed to cool down, and get the hell away from the apartment – and this conversation – pronto!

Of course, the law, and Children’s Services, dictated that he really should take his eight-year-old with him!

Maybe a cool dunk would distract the little chatterbox?

Perfect!

“Get your swimsuit, Truce!” Phoenix announced. “We’re going to the pool!”

Phoenix Wright and Trucy Wright
Community Pool
October 14, 2019, 4:35 PM

Luckily, the YMCA was only a few blocks away, and the Olympic-sized outdoor pool was free for local use, so Phoenix figured a dip would be just what the doctor ordered to beat the heat and rinse away the stigma of general squickiness Trucy’s sexy/DILF revelations had given him!

It was still blazingly hot outside, and there were lifeguards on duty until 7:00 that night when it would switch to adult-only swim time. His daughter was a good swimmer and could move about like a little fish in her adorable pink swimsuit throughout both the deep and shallow areas without him needing to worry too much. He pulled up a lounge chair near the poolside underneath a tree, and lay back in the shade, enjoying the slight breeze.

The place was packed, with tons of parents and their kids splashing in the water, some of whom Phoenix recognized from Trucy’s class. She immediately spotted her friends Gouda and Jinxie, so he knew he could just sit back and relax for a bit, since she was not alone in the water, while still being able to keep an eye on his daughter.

“Daddy!” The girl called after a while. “Aren’t you going to come in? The water’s great!”

He looked around self-consciously. While there were plenty of middle-aged and older men and women at the pool, there weren’t any other men in his demographic there at all. And after the bizarre conversation he and Trucy had had earlier, he really didn’t want to draw much attention to himself!

“Um, I’m OK Truce, you enjoy yourself!”

“Daddy, please!” She implored him with pleading eyes. “I want to play chicken against Gouda and her daddy and Jinxie can’t hold me up on her shoulders!”

Phoenix sighed in defeat. He’d never been able to say no to females with imploring puppy dog eyes!

Kicking off his sandals and yanking off his hat, he padded unenthusiastically down the stairs into the pool, smiling politely at the pretty, bronze, copper-haired lifeguard on duty, who sat up and suddenly appeared much more interested in the on-goings in the water as he walked past her and up to Trucy’s group.

“Excuse me, Sir!” She called. “But appropriate attire and regulations must be followed in this pool! Please remove your shirt if you’re going to be in the water!”

“Um, is it that big a deal if I keep it on?” He asked awkwardly, feeling a blush creeping over his face and neck as Trucy, Jinxie, Gouda, and her father, a slightly rotund, red-faced man with a comb-over, all stared at him.

“It’s a health and safety regulation, Sir,” the lifeguard stated firmly, extending her hand to take the clothing from him. Then she tilted her head to the side and gave him a dazzling smile. “Don’t worry, I’ll keep an eye on your shirt for you!”

“Um…thanks but…” Phoenix gripped the bottom edge of his shirt uncertainly.

“You don’t have anything I haven’t seen before!” She joked, winking. “But I also don’t think you have anything to be self-conscious about either, from what I can see!”

“Hey Trucy, is your Daddy too chicken to play chicken with me and my Daddy?” Gouda taunted. “That’s OK, you’d only lose anyway! Because my Daddy is taller than your Daddy anyway, and he’s stronger too!”

“My Daddy isn’t a chicken!” Trucy declared indignantly, scowling at the freckle-faced red-headed girl. “He’s just as strong as your Daddy! And your Daddy may be taller, but my Daddy is way sexier than
your Daddy!”

“Truce!” Phoenix turned beet-red. “Don’t say things like that! It’s not… nice!”

The lifeguard was leaning forward in her chair now, amusement on her tanned face as she listened to the exchange.

“But it’s true!” Trucy sulked. “Gouda told me muscles are sexy! And you have muscles, Daddy! More than her Daddy does! Prove to her you’re not a chicken!”

It was with this mortifying prompt that the now scarlet-faced Phoenix reluctantly took off his top and tossed it to the appreciative-eyed lifeguard, who was grinning broadly at him as she extended her hand for it.

“Wow, your Daddy does have muscles!” Jinxie marveled. “My Daddy’s are bigger, but that’s only because he’s a wrestler!”

She smiled reassuringly at the mortified DILF.

“Don’t worry, Mr. Wright! You’re still sexy though!”

Phoenix gave the dark-haired girl a sickly grin and wished he could disappear.

“Ready to play chicken now, Truce?” He asked turning back to his daughter. He was beginning to get unnerved by the admiring looks he was getting not only from Jinxie but from the lifeguard, as well as several other of the mothers in the pool now that Trucy had made such a scene!

Also from (and he hoped he was imagining this one!) Gouda’s father?!

“OK, Daddy!” Trucy agreed blithely, clambering on top of his shoulders. Then she turned back to the lifeguard and flashed her a proud smile. “Don’t you agree that my Daddy is sexy?”

“Yes!” Blurted out Gouda, then blushed and clapped a hand over her mouth as Trucy flashed her a triumphant smirk and Phoenix felt himself wishing he could dive for cover somewhere.

“I wasn’t asking you, Gouda! I was asking the pretty lifeguard!”

The hobo wanted to drown himself in the water at that exact moment.

“Actually,” the young woman drawled, smiling flirtatiously. “I honestly do, honey. You’re lucky to have such a handsome, sexy Daddy.”

“My teacher thinks so too!” Trucy confided in a stage whisper, seeming to forget that her friends and Gouda’s father were still in earshot. “She says my Daddy is a sexy DILF with bedroom eyes!”

The lifeguard clapped a hand over her mouth to stifle her laughter as Phoenix turned crimson and prayed for the earth to swallow him whole.

“Not now, Trucy!” Phoenix groaned, struggling to carry his daughter away from this conversation as fast as he could, but not before Trucy made one more last pitch to the lifeguard over her shoulder. “Hey Miss, since you think my Daddy is sexy, does that mean you’d want to be my new Mommy?”

Heaven help me! My daughter is traumatizing me with the word sexy, making her little friends agree with the diagnosis, and is now at the present, publicly pimping me out at a community swimming pool! Someone…Please. Just. Kill. Me. Now…

Miles Edgeworth and Franziska Von Karma
The Brass Monkey Tavern, Parking Lot
August 7, 2024, 8:05 PM

Franziska was laughing so hard that there were tears in her eyes.

“Oh, that poor too sexy for his shirt, foolish fool!” She gasped, turning her mirthful expression towards Miles, who had somehow kept a straight face while retelling the story Phoenix had emailed him, which although it had been five years ago, was still as fresh in his mind as if it were yesterday. “I wonder what happened at the pool after all that?”

“What does that matter?” He asked darkly, pulling the car into a free spot and frowning at his fiancée. “The point was to explain to you my repugnance to the word sexy. Did this embarrassing tale not suffice to illustrate my point?”

“Well, it certainly demonstrates why Phoenix Wright would have a distaste for the word, after hearing it inappropriately used ad nauseam by his elementary school daughter, her little friends, and educators,” she admitted, still giggling softly. “I just am still not fully grasping why the word would traumatize you so, Liebling?”

“Wright is my best friend, Franziska,” he replied stiffly, averting his eyes from her probing gaze. “As such, I can certainly feel his mortification at the whole situation through my general male empathies and such…”

“No, it still does not make sense.” She insisted. “There is no way that you would be so averse to a word just because Phoenix Wright’s daughter unwittingly traumatized him with it! Please me, Miles! Warum spielst du die beleidigte Leberwurst?”

Miles slapped his hand on the dashboard then, courtroom style.

“For the love of God, woman!” He snapped. “If you must know …that’s what The Wicked Witch of the Witness Stand, Wendy Oldbag, calls me!”

“Ich glaube, mein Schwein pfeift!!” Her eyes were like saucers.

“Well, you had to ask!” He grimaced. “The Wicked Witch of the Witness Stand refers to me as her sexy-wexy Edgy-Poo!”

“I could see how that would affect my stomach more than my heart,” Franziska commiserated. “Sexy-wexy! How grotesque!”

Suddenly, she lurched forward in her seat, looking quite ill.

“Franziska!” His eyes grew large with alarm. “Are you alright?”

“Ach! Ins Fettnäpfchen treten!” Franziska groaned and clutched her stomach. “Now I think I am about to be sick!”

“Mein Gott! Is it the baby?”

“No!” She grimaced. “It is sympathy nausea, undoubtedly stemmed from hearing diese widerliche Geschichte!”

“What can I say? Curiosity killed the cat, meine Dame.”

Translations

Warum spielst du die beleidigte Leberwurst?
(L) Why are you playing the offended liver sausage?

(F) You’d use this to ask someone why they’re throwing a tantrum or overreacting to something trivial.

Ich glaube, mein Schwein pfeift!

(L) I think my pig is whistling!

(F) German expression of surprise when they can’t believe/grasp something

Ins Fettnäpfchen treten!

(L) To step into the fat bowl.
(F)  Put one’s foot in the mouth

diese widerliche Geschichte
That disgusting story!