136 Something Wicked This Way Comes

I cannot take this anymore
Saying everything I’ve said before
All these words they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
Less I hear the less you’ll say
You’ll find that out anyway

Just like before…

Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I’m about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I’m one step closer to the edge
I’m about to break

I find the answers aren’t so clear
Wish I could find a way to disappear
All these thoughts they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
Nothing seems to go away
Over and over again

Just like before…

Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I’m about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I’m one step closer to the edge
And I’m about to break

Shut up when I’m talking to you
Shut up, shut up, shut up
Shut up when I’m talking to you
Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up

I’m about to BREAK 

Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I’m about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I’m one step closer to the edge
And I’m about to break

Maya Fey and Longines Beaugosse
La Gloutonnerie Grenouille
April 21, 2026, 12:15 PM

In the year she’d known him, Maya had known Longines to be rarely impulsive, save for their whirlwind trip to Europe last Christmas holidays when he had proposed to her.

From the moment she and Pearl had gotten into the limo at the airport, he’d blithely announced there’d been some changes to the wedding plans, and he was super excited about them, with that effervescent, gamine grin of his. It was so contagious that for a split second, Maya had been too busy being dazzled by the familiar charm behind that radiant smile, and hence hadn’t felt the immediate apprehension she normally would have upon hearing such unexpected news.

She’d felt the palpable excitement radiating from him, stronger than a 100-watt bulb, and been quite endeared by it. It was one of the things she genuinely liked about her fiancé – his indomitable and pure, unstoppable energy. Who needed Prozac when they had Longines Beaugosse?

His eyebrows were raised and he’d started speaking more animatedly than he had in ages. All Maya could pick out from the jumble of words was ‘wedding planner’, ‘florists’, and ‘catering.’ He was bouncing up and down on his seat like a giddy child and rubbing his hands. It was only when he’d stopped prattling about their agenda of wedding preparation that the trepidation had sunk in at last; that village leader had returned from the other side of the planet to discover that Mildew would be occupying Maya’s nearly every waking moment for the next eight weeks, from that day forward, until their nuptials … because The Dragon Lady was going to be their aforementioned wedding planner!

Between the lack of food and sleep, and then the jarring news of this latest sledgehammer that had befallen her, there was zero thinking going on in Maya’s head. She couldn’t even operate on a level of fake enthusiasm for the news, even for Longines’s benefit!

Nonetheless, when Longines had first declared to his unwitting ‘hostages’ that the first stop for today’s whirlwind wedding planning would first be to an acclaimed bakery, then menu tasting, the bleary-eyed and beyond starved Maya and Pearl had mustered some enthusiasm, despite still being shell-shocked at essentially having been shanghaied! The Feys found themselves somewhat looking forward to the anticipated lavish feast, having become accustomed to such luxuries whenever dining with the indulgent, extravagant hair heir.

The troop wandered into the charming bakery, For Heavens Cakes, where the owner, Kingsley, was the typical California Barbie, resembling someone who’d never eaten a day in her life, despite being surrounded by decadent desserts.

“Longine! Jeanie!” She greeted both Longines and Armstrong by name, with an air kiss on both cheeks. “It’s been far too long!”

“Darling girl, it’s been ages! I’d like you to meet my blushing bride-to-be, Maya Fey, her cousin Pearl, and Mildred, our wedding planner.” Longines smilingly presented his bedraggled-looking fiancée to the chic, Chanel-suited blonde, who smiled politely at Maya and graciously inclined her head toward the teen and village elder. “Thanks so much for squeezing us in at the last minute! Do you remember our chat about wanting something simple, but different, for a wedding cake?”

“We want to be on the cutting edge of trendy as far as cakes go!” Armstrong put in. “The groom here has been on a stringent diet, and even though he can finally let loose somewhat on his wedding day, most of the guests are also on low-carb diets, and we can’t have any of them completely busting out of their fine clothing with something too rich, you know?”

“How do you feel about a cheesecake?” Kingsley offered pleasantly. “And a personalized groom cake then, just for Longine here, as his reward for all that hard work and dieting?”

At the mention of the decadent dessert, which was one of her favorites, Maya’s stomach began growling uncontrollably and felt herself perking up somewhat. She adored cheesecake – who didn’t? The idea of being able to sample some at the moment sounded positively heavenly!

“I love cheesecake!” She enthused. “What flavors will we be trying? Do you have chocolate or even strawberry as an option?”

There was an uncomfortable, pregnant pause as Armstrong, Longines, and Kingsley all stared at her as though she’d acquired a second head. At last, the blonde let out a tinkly laugh.

“Oh, Longines isn’t she adorable?” The bakery owner cooed, smiling patronizingly at the perplexed raven-haired brunette. “She thought we meant the preposterously, sugary sweet, calorie-laden sort of cheesecake!”

“Um, is there another kind I don’t know about?” The future bride asked awkwardly.

“Girl, you are so funny!” Armstrong twittered, waving his hand at her. “When we said cheesecake, we legit meant a cake made out of several wheels of actual cheese!”

“They’re all the rage in Southern California right now, especially with everybody shunning sugar and carbs,” Kingsley added with a condescending smile. “Many companies sell cheese wedding cakes, but those canailles are not cheesemongers like we are, and therefore do not have the expertise or the range we do. Longines here knows to expect nothing but the best of my bakery, as we are more than capable of catering to any and all of his desires, just like in the past.”

“I wish we had time for you and Pearl to actually sample some of the wonderful things Kingsley here is capable of, Maya!” Armstrong gushed. “But basically, we are just here to make a quick order. We hate to love you and leave you like this sweetie, but the limo’s still running! So after a quick peruse through the catalog, we’re fluttering off to our first menu tasting!”

Both Pearl and Maya’s faces fell in dejected unison at this announcement. What was the point of being at a wedding bakery if you weren’t even going to taste anything?!

“I think this model would be best for what Jean told me about your needs.” Whipping out her iPad, Kingsley focused her sole attention on Longines and Armstrong, as though none of the women were present. “For decoration, I’m envisioning a wedding cake of amber, gold, and forest green… grapes, figs, flowers, or simple sashes as decoration seem to work best…”

“I  like this model here!” Mildred butted in, squeezing herself between the two men and tapping her talon on the glass screen tablet. “I’m thinking we should have a statement-making, deluxe model with at least seven various selections of cheese…”

“I like the way you think!” Kingsley readily agreed. “How do you feel about Petit Langres, Tunworth, Colston Bassett Stilton, Smoked Worcester, Cornish Yarg, and Lincolnshire Poacher for a nice blend of different cheese flavors?”

“Kingsley, that sounds fabulous!” Armstrong squealed delightedly. “But for the non-cheese connoisseurs, just make sure you have those precious tasting notes and labels for the cake, so guests can understand and appreciate what they are eating, OK?”

“Brilliant idea!” Mildred put in. “The cake is there to be eaten, after all, not just to be looked at, so it’d encourage people to tuck in and enjoy – even if that costs extra!”

“And I believe I’d be quite partial to a Champagne topping, layer of cream, finest Stilton, mild milky Yarg, a fruity cheddar, and a smoky twist!” Longines decided. Looking over, he finally noticed the drained-looking spirit mediums standing, completely ignored, in the corner of the shop, and proceeded to speedily browse through the online catalog for his groom cake, quickly settling on something called The Sultan’s Golden Cake, and waved the Feys over to come to take a gander at his groom cake selection.

Maya had to admit it looked superbly wonderful. The cake was made of figs, pears, apricots, and quince that were then put into a Jamaican Rum and soaked for two years. To finish, the cake would be topped with French Polynesia vanilla bean, caramel, black truffles, and a 24-carat gold leaf. In bold lettering, it was written that the cake took about 72 hours to make, and once it was ready to be served, would be placed inside a sterling silver cake box with a golden seal. However, the $1500 cake was usually only made by request: usually for a wedding, celebration, or a sultan himself!

Or in this case, for a hair tycoon, who wanted nothing but the best for his upcoming nuptials.

Longines barely glanced at the paperwork as he signed his name and made his instructions for both cakes before ushering them all out of the bakery and into the ready limo.

As relieved as she was to be getting a chance to eat, at last, Maya couldn’t help but feel disappointed by the whole experience. As much as she appreciated how her wedding wasn’t too far away, and that things would be moving at a rapid pace as far as vendors went, she still felt slightly gypped out of what she’d reckoned would be one of the more fun things out of the whole experience – an experimental sampling of sweet, yummy cake! It was greatly disappointing how it’d turned out she wasn’t even going to have that at her wedding – as the cheesecake was going to be literal cheese! As it was, she wasn’t too much of a cheesemonger herself, except for on her burgers but it looked like she wasn’t going to have any say in the matter at all.

But anyhow, at least now she’d finally get to eat! At this point, she figured pretty much anything would be welcomed into the starved caverns of her empty stomach, and so was to the spirit medium’s great chagrin when the limousine pulled up to a restaurant named La Gloutonnerie Grenouille. Although the name sounded lovely in French, it translated as The Gluttonous Frog in English! The Master was instantly reminded of her nightmarish ordeal with French cuisine in Cannes and found her appetite immediately vanquishing somewhat.

The head chef and owner, Jean-Luc Ricard, greeted Longines and Armstrong by name and made a big show of visibly greeting each man with the customary European greeting of an air kiss on both cheeks, before ushering the party of five to their seats, while servers in impeccably starched black and white uniforms rushed over menus of their tasting options for the upcoming nuptials.

Almost more than the food served, the restaurant prided itself on its large varieties of drinking water and shamelessly capitalized on the relatively new fear that tap water was far from drinkable with its 20-option water-tasting menu. From the new and lofty-sounding Beverly Hills 90H20 to classics like Perrier, to exotic and unheard-of brands like Spanish Vichy Catalan, one could truly drink it all.

Even though money was of relatively no concern to her, and even less so to her wealthy betrothed, Maya’s eyes still nearly bugged out of her head as she glanced at the menu and realized some of the bottles of water were upwards of $45, and all were handpicked by “water sommelier”(whatever the heck that was!) Martin Riese. Claiming to have been certified by the German Mineral Water Association, Riese had discovered some of the springs from which water was taken and then delivered to the overzealous customers of LA.

“But only after Riese added ‘his mixture of vitamins and minerals to it!” Armstrong put a hand to his lips to smother a coquettish giggle. “Am I the only one who thinks that sounds a little X-rated?”

They were instructed to first cleanse their palates with a concoction the French restaurateur informed them was named Beverly Hills 90H20 – a relative steal which was only $16 a bottle compared to some of the others. The clear liquid, served in individually numbered, diamond-like glass bottles, just looked like ordinary water to Maya’s untrained eyes, and she barely suppressed an eye-roll when Longines immediately insisted on ordering 300 bottles, despite being quickly informed of just what a fine treat she was about to be drinking.

“Fantastique choix, mon cher ami! Cette eau eez a limited edition, inspired by zee crafting of champagne and fine spirits, a team of fine dining experts, including zee world’s foremost water sommelier, Martin Riese,” Jean-Luc droned. “C’est le world’s first Sommelier-Crafted Water. Pristine spring water from zee Northern California Mountains eez crafted w’iz a perfect balance of natural minerals, resulting in a 7.5 pH alkalinity and a silky smooth, incredibly crisp, and exceptionally fresh taste profile. These extraordinarily unique characteristics make Beverly Hills 90H20 zee first ever water to perfectly pair w’iz fine foods, wines, and spirits. It eez considered zee ‘champagne of waters’.”

By this point, Maya couldn’t have cared less if she’d be drinking water straight from the restaurant bathroom toilets, as she was beyond famished and lightheaded from lack of food! Even worse was Jean-Luc telling them the proposed sample catering menu was from the restaurant’s “experimental cuisine” selection and would ergo, be another 10 to 15 minutes wait!

The spirit medium didn’t think her poor growling stomach would be able to hold out much longer, any more than her temperament would! She was now beyond irritable with this pretentious bullshit and was about ready to gnaw off her own hand at this point!

Haute or avant-garde cuisine, when executed skillfully, is truly exceptional. However, there exists a delicate balance between innovation and irritation. Take, for instance, this pretentious establishment with a cocktail menu featuring martinis infused with Mongolian rocks soaked in vermouth for an excessive 12 hours – a clear epitome of pretension. Unless your name happens to be Muffy, and you’ve been a loyal patron of this French bistro since your Chapin days, indulging in crab salad while mingling with friends from your Biarritz summers, chances are you’ve encountered the haughty demeanor of the staff. The restaurant’s penchant for preserving old-school food products on display, its singular menu, and the excessive adornment of floral-themed china may all be a bit overwhelming, n’est-ce pas?  

After what seemed like forever, the first four courses were brought out to taste: the outlandishly priced and aptly named “House Made $1000 Omelette” which was a six-egg frittata topped with lobster claws and 10 ounces of Sevruga caviar, and something called the Fleur Burger, made from Kobe beef, foie gras, truffles, and cradled in the womb of a warm brioche truffle bun. Alongside this were strange-looking Ocoto-Pops (literally a piece of roast octopus on a stick!) and imported Waygu beef slivers.

Maya bypassed the translucent, thinly-cut meat and questionable sea creatures, and immediately lunged for her burger. She’d just swallowed the first delectable mouthful and was reaching for her fork to spear into the outlandishly overpriced omelet when Mildew suddenly reached across the table and deftly snatched both her plates away, curtly instructing the server beside their table.

“That will be all for the bride-to-be, please, and thank you!”

The old crone smirked and nodded at Pearl, who’d protectively placed her hands around her plate and was glaring defiantly at the waiter, as though daring him to take hers away!

“Don’t worry, Mystic Pearl, this doesn’t apply to you at all,” Mildred assured her. “Not only are you as thin as a rail, but you’re still a growing girl who needs her nourishment. However, in your cousin’s case, the only way she can grow is sideways, if we aren’t careful!”

The Master hastily shoved the precious remaining forkful of egg into her mouth while she stared daggers at the old woman, chewing and swallowing as rapidly as possible before she unleashed her outrage.

Nobody, but nobody, came between Maya Fey and her food and lived to tell about it!

“Of all the nerve!” Sparks were flying out of her mocha eyes. “Who do you think you are?! How dare you practically snatch the food from my mouth!”

“Everybody knows the first bite tastes the best,” Mildred responded primly, completely unfazed by the visible ire on the spirit medium’s face. “One bite should suffice to let the restaurant know whether or not it’s a dish you wish to have catered at your wedding. This is a tasting Mystic Maya, not a food orgy! There will be dozens of more courses for you to indulge in, but you must curb your gluttonous ways and assume a more birdlike appetite from here on since you have a wedding dress to fit into!”

The village elder flashed a poisonously sweet smile in response to the baleful glare Maya shot her.

“One would think you hadn’t seen food in ages, Mystic Maya. Did they not feed you on the plane trip back from Australia?”

Drop-dead, Mildew! The fact that neither Pearly nor I could stomach a bite of that barely recognizable slop airlines try to pass off as food because we were so worked up about Nick is not pertinent here, you heinous, irksome, meddling … Medusa!

“Listen up, lady!” Maya snapped. “You may have somehow talked Longines into thinking that just because you’ve arranged a few conferences and gatherings in Kurain, you’re now some sort of legitimate Miss Manners/wedding planner…”

“I indeed can claim expertise on both matters. For your kind information, I have long since educated the younger acolytes on their decorum in the village, and have diligently studied countless bridal magazines and etiquette books, as well as extensively done research online,” Mildred informed her coolly.

The old woman conveniently neglected to mention that said internet discovery that Maya had installed years ago, which had inspired the creativity of how to use Kurain as a non-profit organization, as well as any other related information she’d need for her escape plans. She lifted her chin haughtily as she continued.

“I am more than qualified for the role and am offering my services for zero cost, thus saving Longines a bundle! Moreover, of course, my past experiences of successfully organizing Kurain-related soirées and events over the years make me the ideal candidate! And what is a wedding but one big party?”

“Millie the Miracle Worker!” Armstrong crowed. “I’d have been très lost little girl without her creative vision and willing hand amidst all this pandemonium!”

“Be that as it may…” the psychic clenched her jaw. “That still has nothing to do with my choice of bridal attire! I tried on my wedding dress before I went to Australia, where if anything, the stifling heat made me lose a few pounds, so I haven’t gained an ounce! Ergo, Mom’s dress should still fit me just fine.”

“You couldn’t possibly be serious about wearing that old thing!” Mildred looked positively horrified at the idea. “A prestigious village leader wearing outdated hand-me-downs at her nuptials? Inconceivable! The reason we can’t have you getting too bloated at the tastings this afternoon is because immediately afterward, we’re taking you shopping for a new wedding dress!”

“Old thing?” Maya faltered, the devastation coursing through her system and not allowing her to think of anything else to say at the insulting description the old battle-ax had just utilized for her late mother’s revered wedding gown. “N – New dress?! Wh –What are you saying?”

“Millie girl told me all about that dress!” Longines clapped a scandalized hand to his cheek. “It’s totally the wrong color and it’s not even white! It’s a cosmic latte!”

“Sacre bleu, c’est impossible! Non, non, non!” Sing-songed Armstrong, briefly forgetting that he was trying to drop the phony French accent Phil had so ridiculed him on. “It would be the mother of all faux-pas for a bride to be adorned in something that’s no longer fashionable!”

Shut your blathering cakehole, you flibbertigibbet cream puff! There’s no way in hell I’m taking wardrobe advice from the biggest walking, talking Fashion Don’t I’ve ever encountered in my entire life!

“I’ve never even shown any of you my dress!” The Kurain head’s former shock was slowly abating and being replaced by swirling wrath as she glowered first at Armstrong and then at the old woman. “How dare you make such unfounded assumptions?!”

“Millie told us all about it!” Armstrong insisted. “Anything other than white just won’t match with the décor at all, especially since Longines will be in lavender!”

“A bride should complement her groom and wedding adornments, not purposely clash with it because of nothing but her own childish, stubborn refusal to have everything be her way!” Mildred sniffed contemptuously. “And it is out of the question for a woman of your stature to be wed in such a garment! It is much too hopelessly dated and antiquated by today’s standards!”

Your face is much too hopelessly dated and antiquated by today’s standards! Maya screamed back silently, feeling her face growing steadily warm with aggravation.

“Not only would it look helplessly outmoded if worn today, but I can also personally vouch Mystic Misty’s gown is neither appropriate nor symbolizing purity in color whatsoever! Also, for your kind information, Mystic Maya, I saw it on the last impure, with-child bride who wore it, because I also happened to have been present for Mystic Misty’s wedding!”

Pearl’s doe eyes widened, as this unexpected announcement that Misty Fey had been pregnant with Mia at her nuptials was a previously unknown newsflash to her.

Of course, you were there, you dried-up old fossil! Maya felt as though her tongue would have permanent teeth marks on it from how hard she was biting back that scathing retort, as she was so infuriated by the impromptu airing of her family’s dirty laundry in front of Armstrong and Longines. You undoubtedly were also there to witness Moses parting the Red Sea!

“I don’t even know what color cosmic latte is,” the Master ground out through gritted teeth. “But that dress, if anything, is perhaps pearl or ivory in color, at best, and is certainly close enough to white to be more than suitable for a bride to wear!”

“While it is most quaint of you to insist on being true to form and not wishing to falsely advertise by wearing the unpolluted color of pure white, which is to symbolize of innocence and chastity of the traditional blushing bride…” Mildred sneered at the furious blush forming on the diviner’s face at the dig about her impure status. “Nevertheless, your fiancée here wishes to willingly turn a blind eye to the irony of you wearing the color of an actual maiden…

Now completely old enough to understand all matters of this demeaning conversation, Pearl’s cheeks turned pink as her eyes dropped to her lap in mortification on her beloved cousin’s behalf.

The Dragon Lady appeared entirely unfazed by the fact that Maya looked ready to explode at this point. In fact, her vile grin only widened at the Kurain head’s slight flinch at the crude reminder to all parties present about her tainted bridal status. Mildred raised a bony hand to hush the interruption the despaired-looking Longines was about to make to this verbal onslaught on his fiancée and flashed a nasty smile.

“Longines is gladly willing to get you any dress of your choosing, just so long as it’s on the wide scale of white in color,” Mildred announced primly. “A marriage is all about sacrifice and compromise, after all. He is willing to endure the knowing snickers of the congregation at the sight of you in white dress and veil if you are willing to do the same, Mystic Maya…”

Pearl rolled up her sleeve, ready to pop the antagonistic woman right in the kisser, but Maya clenched her cousin’s ready arm, all the while trying to fight the urge to burst into tears as the certain lyrics of one of her favorite poignant songs began dancing through her head.

The lights go out and I can’t be saved   
Tides that I tried to swim against 
Have brought me down upon my knees 
Oh, I beg, I beg and plead…

Jesus Shitfucking Christ on a Segway in Tesco! I don’t want to wear another dress! She wailed internally. I wanted to wear my mother’s dress!

“I was kind of hoping you would show more ebullience about having a new dress, honey.” Longines peered into her miserable face with concern. “You can certainly pick the style and cut of your choice for the dress! It will be the most top-of-the-line gown money can buy, considering we’re hoping to auction off the dress afterward and have the proceeds go to the Widow and Orphan International Charity House…”

Come out of things unsaid   
Shoot an apple off my head 
And a trouble that can’t be named…

“It was Millie’s idea to have the auctioned-off earnings of the dress go to that particular charity!” Armstrong chimed in merrily, clapping his hands. “My girl Millie told us the tragic tale of how you and Mia grew up orphans after you lost your father, and had to be raised by your big sister when your mother left, Maya. Plus, as you know, Longines lost his mother at an early age as well, and the poor dear was essentially raised by nannies while his father, the mogul, was busy running the business.”

His cheery smile faded as he ultimately paused long enough to drink in Maya’s aghast expression and suddenly looked perturbed by her lack of enthusiasm.

“When Millie suggested this specific charity, Longines and I hoped since it was an organization dear to both your hearts that you would be all gung-ho about this!”

“Bien sûr, she’s excited, Jeanie! You’re so silly!” Mildred purred, unable to mask the victorious look in her eyes at the tears of resignation sparkling in the bride’s orbs. “Do you truly think Mystic Maya was going to snatch away the money from the helpless and hungry mouths of widows and orphans all around the world, considering the tragic plight both she and her betrothed have personally known? Did you imagine she would be heartless enough to forfeit the opportunity to give up the garnered tens of thousands this deserving and worthwhile charity would get from the proceeds of the auctioned gown worn by the illustrious Kurain Master on her wedding day, not to mention the priceless publicity it would give the village and Longines’s business, to boot?”

Of course, Maya couldn’t do such a thing! Mildew’s plan had made sure of that! What kind of woman would take from the mouths of the destitute, parentless children of the world, when she herself had been one?!

Never before had she felt so trapped, as though time were running out and the walls were closing in on her.

Confusion never stops…
Closing walls and ticking clocks …

The spirit medium felt the despair growing within her as she acknowledged, with mounting dismay, just how foolishly she’d underestimated what a truly calculating and conniving adversary Mildred Latrine could be. Her nemesis had at last found a way to completely undermine the bride’s wishes, by striking while the iron was hot in her absence. It was the ultimate cunning move, the way she’d completely gone over Maya’s head, by appealing to the altruistic nature of the softhearted groom and getting him to side with her devious self and then sealing the deal by allying with his sycophant assistant on top of that!

Aside from hoping a grander affair would bring more spotlight to Kurain, the Master had no inkling what her enemy’s agenda was to now be worming herself into being in the midst of all the wedding operations, at the eleventh hour, as up until now, Mildew had appeared content to be the unnoticed assistant in the background. But whatever it was, Maya knew couldn’t be anything good.

Nevertheless, this was a battle the Master knew she had no hope of winning. The Dragon Lady had truly backed her into an inescapable corner this time. Maya felt like a helpless marionette, with the diabolical woman gleefully pulling the puppeteer strings.

She also knew her protests would fall on deaf ears, seeing as how she couldn’t even claim that all this extravagance would be an unnecessary waste of money to dish out, for merely one day. It would be an exercise in futility to point out how the obscene amount of funds being doled out would be enough to feed a family in Guatemala for the next decade since her fiancé’s bottomless bank account would be paying for every expense, not her own!

Moreover, it truly seemed to be Longines’s true heart’s desire to have a lavish and splashy affair, with his bride dressed to the nines in top designer gear just as the groom would! He’d been squashing his own wishes all this time to appease her wishes for a smaller-scale of events, but leave it to Mildew to have unleashed that untapped Pandora’s Box within him, and his pushy, besotted, eager-to-please assistant had leaped at the chance to cater to his employer’s every whim, even though it’d ultimately meant Misty Fey’s wedding dress to be damned!

Come out upon my seas.    
Cursed missed opportunities.   
Am I a part of the cure?   
Or am I part of the disease?

So no, Maya couldn’t see any way out of wearing a brand-new dress she didn’t want. All she could do was inwardly seethe.

José Martí once said that ‘life on earth is hand-to-hand mortal combat . . . between the law of love and the law of hate.’ So how about I add some purple and blue to the black kimono of yours, Mildew?! How is it that instead of mellowing with age, you’ve only become even more of a bitch?! I don’t know! How did you get Longines to bow to your every whim?! Maybe you bitched at him till he caved, was that it? That’s all you appear to be good for these days. Huh? Used your bitch-fu on him? Mildew the Mistress of bitching, that’s what they should call you! Seriously, five ancient sages of bitchdom all gathered together one day on the peaks of Mount Bitch to proclaim your birth. And a hundred years later, when all the bitch stars had aligned, you were born and made everybody’s life around you a living hell because you are such a bitch!

Maya Fey and Jean Armstrong
La Vache et Le Cuisinier
April 21, 2026, 1:10 PM

“So, what did you think of the food in the first place?” Longines prompted the silent Maya en route to the second eatery. The spirit medium was leaning back against the headrest of her limo seat, with her eyes closed, having not uttered a word since the dropping of the dress bomb at the previous restaurant. She was afraid that if she had opened her mouth to speak after that, she would have begun screaming and never, ever stopped!

Reluctantly, Maya opened her eyes and stared into her fiancé’s earnest visage. Something about the sincerity she saw there made her feel somewhat less rotten. She knew he wasn’t her enemy, nor purposely trying to upset her in the least, and was doing his best to at least pretend to make her feel like she was part of this circus the wedding was rapidly becoming, for which she supposed she should be grateful. After all, it was hardly his fault Mildew was a wicked fiend!

“Well from the two bites I managed to get in…” She fixed a pointed glare in the direction of her foe, who smiled back innocently and resumed conversing with Armstrong, while Pearl silently scowled in their general direction. “I think it was fine, but nothing particularly wow-worthy, to be honest.”

“I knew you had a more refined palate than you let on!” He smiled, reaching out to pat her hand. “I thought the caviar on that omelet was a bit too much, myself! I think you’ll be happy with the second place we’re going to. The chef there, Gaston, is an old friend of mine.”

“Pardonnez-moi?!”Armstrong halted mid-conversation with Mildred and stared at his boss with a horrified expression. “What was the name of the chef you just said?”

“Gaston. Gaston LaBouche.” Longines furrowed his brow at his assistant’s visibly pale face. “He was a renowned French chef with a successful chain of restaurants in Paris, but a few years ago, decided to set up a place here in Los Angeles. We’re pulling up in front of it right now. It’s called …”

“La Vache et Le Cuisinier.” Armstrong finished with a haughty snort. “I am very familiar with this friend of yours, Longines! Suffice it to say he should name his restaurant The Cow and The Cook. I suppose that Le Cochon would have been too crass and too avid a description of the cook!”

“The pig…?” Longines burst out laughing at the quip. “Oh Jean, you’re too much! While I admit Gaston has some extra meat on his bones, regardless, he’s still quite the jovial fellow! And you know what they say: Never trust a skinny chef!”

“You shouldn’t trust Monsieur LaDouche regardless!” Jean muttered sulkily under his breath as the troop exited the limo and headed into the second-tasting venue. “All he does is unsuspectingly rip your cœur out of your chest while it is still beating, then tosses it to sauté onto the frying pan with a side of les oignons!”

The restaurant’s interior was reminiscent of Versailles, with crystal chandeliers, antique mirrors, and stunning, large bay windows overlooking the bustling streets of the city. Unlike the last restaurant, where they’d had to wait for their tasting menu, everything was already prepared and ready for them immediately upon arrival at their table, serving all the dishes all at once.

As soon as they were seated, multiple waiters in tuxedos began to grovel at their feet and rushed numerous pre-appetizers, pre-pre-appetizers, post-desserts, and post-post dessert chocolates, the size of a penny, to them on silver platters as they sipped overpriced champagne cocktails with ice cubes that were tiny globes containing frozen pink flowers.

“Bienvenue mes amis!” A voice boomed. “Bienvenue à ma place!”

Gaston himself greeted them congenially as the platters were placed in front of them, enthusiastically kissing both Longines and Maya on the cheeks and beaming happily at Mildred and Pearl. The smile on his broad face immediately dissipated, however, as his eyes fell upon the hardened countenance of Armstrong. With a dismissive sniff, the rotund restaurateur simply adjusted his white chef hat and eyeballed the pink-clad man coldly.

“Jean.” The chef nodded formally, and his friendly countenance completely vanished.

“Gaston,” Armstrong retorted icily, tossing back the remains of his Mimosa in one gulp.

Maya looked back and forth between the two men, warily wondering just what type of catastrophe they were undoubtedly in for! If it came down to a literal Battle of the Bulge, she had no idea which one of the two heavyweight drama queens – and bitter exes! – would win!

Shaking her head, she returned her attention to the colorful variety of food placed in front of her.

Oh well, at least Mildew doesn’t need to bother playing Food Nazi with me at this particular place, which takes the term sample size to the extreme! Each menu morsel takes the gourmet experience to a whole new level, as each overpriced food item is no bigger than the size of my thumb!

If possible, it was all amuse-bouche to Maya’s hungry innards, merely teasing her taste buds but not quite satisfying them! Even though presented with over a dozen different food options, she found she was still craving something of more substance, despite being presented with the following variety of delectable dishes:

Small Dishes

· Fluke/Flounder
· Madai (Red sea bream fish)
· Oyster (taken out of the shell and put in a pickle by including lemon)
· Yuba/Tofu skin
· Squid
· Suzuki sea bass
· Kanpachi/Greater Amber Jack (Japanese yellowtail fish)
· Shima-Aji (Striped Horse Mackerel)
· Sea urchins
· Sardines served on a potato chip
· Crab
· Langoustine (Norway Lobster)
· Octopus
· Cod
· Sturgeon/ Caviar
· Foie gras (including soup with small pieces of foie gras)
· Soup Shiitake mushrooms

Slightly Larger Dishes

· Scallop
· Turbot (North Atlantic flatfish)
· Rouget (two species of goatfish, Mullus barbatus and Mullus surmuletus)
· Lobster (served with veal ravioli and foie gras)
· Wagyu Beef served with a truffle sauce
· Andante Dairy’s Cheese
· Sorbet of fromage frais served with strawberries and gold

“Was everything to everyone’s palate pleasure?” Gaston inquired as the service began to clear the dishes, smiling hopefully at Longines. “Zee Wagyu Beef served w’iz a truffle sauce was my specialized creation z’at I especially wanted you to try!”

“Non! It was more spoiled than a hog in a hamburger mud pit!” Armstrong muttered darkly, not loud enough for the chef to hear, but at a decibel that still caused Pearl to clap a hand over her mouth to keep from snickering at the other man’s indescribable bitchiness!

Please don’t say hamburger! The psychic’s poor stomach was still growling from hunger. I would give my right arm for a big, juicy, good old-fashioned burger rather than all this shi-shi- frou-frou undersized highfalutin crap right about now!

“Tout était parfait, mon ami.” Longines smiled reassuringly as he took his last bite of the dish in question. “The beef was exquisite.”

“Terrific,” Maya offered, confused that the expectant smile on the Parisian’s face was rapidly fading.

“Excellent.” Mildred nodded.

“Um…yummy?” Pearl offered timidly.

The petty Armstrong, of course, chose to remain silent, although it didn’t escape Maya’s attention that he’d still polished off every scrap placed in front of him.

Rather than look pleased, though, Gaston’s round face crumpled at the comments, as though he’d been mortally wounded.

“Lies! All lies!” The Frenchman wailed theatrically, his jowls trembling. “You all hated it! Zee entire menu was merde! Just admit it!”

“What on earth would make you such a thing, Gaston?” Longines looked stupefied by the unexpected explosive reaction. “The beef … everything was superb!”

“You cannot fool me!” Gaston cried. “I watched your faces. None of you got zee look.”

“The look?” The bewildered blonde man echoed. “What are you talking about?”

“Zee look zat every chef knows and dreams about!” The chef cried. “Zee look of total instant, sublime, unparalleled plaisir … zee look that my last lover put on my face once.”

“Er…” Longines was at a loss for words. “Um … that’s nice?”

“Nice?” Gaston barked back. “I said once! He and I were together for over two years!”

“It was more than once and you know it, you bitch!” Armstrong grumbled, but nobody heard him as the chef was already gearing up for act two of European chef melodrama.

“La douleur! Zee pain!” Gaston clutched his chest dramatically. “I shall go weep into my soufflé now, as I have failed mon cher ami for his wedding menu, oh-so-terribly!”

There was an awkward silence at the table, with nobody knowing what to say to placate the biggest drama queen any of them had encountered since Jean Armstrong himself!

“C’est dommage! Plus de chance next time!” Armstrong inserted cattily, the supercilious smile on his face indicating he was enjoying his ex’s self-lambasting. “I guess this just means you’ll have to try harder in the future, Gaston! C’est la vie!”

Gaston’s eyes narrowed at the unmistakable jubilance in his former lover’s tone.

“Don’t reward bad behavior. Be nice to people who deserve it. Zat was always my life motto.” Gaston curled his lip at Longines’s assistant. “Mais bien sûr – I shall consequently not be afraid to eject zee trash when it comes in my door!”

“Qui vous appellent poubelle?!” Armstrong put his hands on his ample hips and bared his teeth as he growled back in return.

“Ah Jean…” The disdain in Gaston’s voice was as clear as day. “Even after all this time, I can see that still, tu parles français comme une vache espagnole!”

There was another shocking silence at the table as Armstrong’s face turned puce with anger.

“Um, I’m sure Gaston didn’t mean you speak French like a Spanish cow!” Longines intervened quickly, sensing a catastrophe about to develop. “Perhaps he just meant that your accent needs a bit of work, Jean?”

Armstrong ignored his boss, jumping out of his chair so quickly that it knocked over to the floor. He was already commencing his infamous, disturbing torso wiggle, even as he shot a death glare at his former lover.

“As if you are in any position to call anyone a cow of any sort, vouz pourceau! And I can see still that t’as une tête a faire sauter les plaques d’egouts!” Armstrong screamed, trying to lunge at the other man against the miraculously swift Longines’s tight, restraining grip on him, uncaring that the other diners in the restaurant were now staring in complete disbelief at the man in pink who’d just told the owner he had a face that would blow off manhole covers!

“Vous êtes une pomme de terre avec le visage d’un cochon d’inde!” Gaston roared in return, as two waiters magically materialized at that moment and began dragging the enraged chef back to the kitchen, having had the pleasure of getting in the last word and telling his ex that he was a potato with the face of a guinea pig!

“Salope!” Armstrong screeched as Longines dragged him, kicking, and screaming, out the door. “Je te pisse en zig-zags à la raie du cul!”

“Let’s go ladies!” Longines grunted against the strain of holding back the infuriated phony Frenchman. “When my assistant starts screaming: I piss in zig-zags on your arse crack, I think it’s high time we made our grand sortie, don’t you?”

Maya didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, nor bothered arguing as Mildred crisply announced, in her most unimpressed voice, that the men could continue with the sampling of menus/wedding plans at their leisure, but she would be taking the Feys dress shopping from there on!

I don’t even give a damn what I wear at this point – Mildew can call the shots on this blasted gown I never wanted, for all I care! The village leader groaned silently as she raced, red-faced, from the restaurant with all the dumbstruck diners staring after them. All I know is that wedding dress shopping couldn’t possibly be as humiliatingly painful an experience as this was!

Maya Fey and Longines Beaugosse
Beaugosse Limousine
April 21, 2026, 6:45 PM

You think I’d be getting used to being wrong about everything by this point!

The disgruntled Kurain Master of battered ego and bodily bruising grumbled to herself as she exhaustedly flopped down across from her fiancé into the waiting limousine.

If possible, the whole gown shopping experience was more harrowing than the restaurant itself! Yet all afternoon, as I was nearly tucked into within an inch of breathing and practically stabbed death with hemming needles, I was made to feel like a member of the bovine community as I endured the degradation of defending both my hips and my weight! Those judgmental twiggy shop assistants made me feel like a gigantic moo machine! As an unabashed burger lover, I never dreamed the day would come when I’d actually sympathize with cows!

The moment the Feys and Mildred had seated themselves into the luxury car, Longines began to regale her with details of his own experiences that afternoon with Armstrong about the wedding planning. The positively drained spirit medium attempted to fix her most sympathetic expression on her fiancé continued to bloviate.

The over-the-top wedding snobbery doesn’t end with dress shopping! As our day draws closer, I’ve learned that in the world of weddings, tradition dictates the guest-to-bridesmaids ratio (50:1), while emerging conventions dictate the expected fee for merely canceling an appointment in the fanciest bridal boutiques is up to $175!

“We started budgeting for an intimate affair at the local gardens and, like frogs in boiling water, we didn’t notice how far gone we were until it was almost too late!” Longines exclaimed. “Case in point: Do-it-ourselves flowers turned into buy-cheaply-at-the-local-store flowers. Which turned into a serious, lengthy conversation with a “floral styling consultant” who charged a flat fee of $7,000!”

“Not including the actual flowers!” Armstrong huffed with disgust, already reaching for his ever-present iPad. “So Longines and I said forget this! We’re just going to check out online florists and select the flowers ourselves!”

“After all, just because I’m a billionaire doesn’t mean I need to be ridiculous with my money!” Longines declared, taking the tablet from his assistant and quickly flipping through some floral images. “Maya, what color blooms are you thinking about the wedding?”

Surprised she was being asked her opinion for once, as he’d been content to dismiss her thoughts thus far as a bagatelle, the spirit medium blinked for several seconds before hesitantly suggesting Lily of the Valley or perhaps lavender or purple orchids.

“Interesting choices, sweetie,” Longines murmured distractedly, still scrolling through the website. “A Lily of the Valley signifies a promise of happiness, and purple orchids represent royalty, respect, admiration, and dignity.”

How the heck does he know all this flower information by heart?! Maya wondered in disbelief. I was thinking of those two particular ones because the former is beautiful and I just love all shades of purple!

“I do not give my imprimatur about those flowers! Those floral choices are much too common for an auspicious, resplendent such as this!” Mildred argued. “I propose more eye-catching and authentic arrangements that are more meaningful to the Kurain Master’s Japanese ancestry! We should utilize the money saved by refusing to pay for some frivolous floral consultant and instead consider importing some violet Sumire, Sakurasou, Sakura, and Kosumosu from Japan…”

“I love the way you think Millie girl!” Armstrong gushed. “I think there should be homage paid to both the bride and groom’s heritage! Longines, your père et mère was born in France, non? Why not consider using their national flower, which is the Iris?”

You’ve got to be shitting me! Maya’s jaw dropped open in enraged disbelief. As if having one Iris around isn’t bad enough, this pink pouf here actually dares to suggest my wedding be decorated with the flower, bearing the same name as my loathsome cousin- who my ex-boyfriend left me for?!

Before she could protest her aversion to such an insensitive suggestion, Mildred flashed Maya a sly smirk, as though reading her thoughts, then smiled sweetly at Longines and Armstrong.

“What a magnificent idea!” She purred. “Irises, in general, signify not only mediumship, but spiritual communication, and a connection to the divine! They are the perfect flower for Spirit Mediums!”

As though Maya hadn’t even spoken, Longines enthusiastically agreed with this idea and was already looking at the next arrangement of flowers on the screen for the reception hall.

“Hmm… I don’t know… You could be right about that, Mildred” The billionaire stroked his chin thoughtfully as he tapped at the glass screen. “I would want to pay some sort of tribute to my parents, and I mean, yes, lavender orchids are exotic and pretty and symbolize fertility and everything, but do they truly say wedding to you?”

Before Maya could even reply, he snapped his fingers and let out a gasp.

“Ohmygoodness! I just had I most faboo idea! I’m totally thinking baby pink peach blossoms!”

“Pink?” Maya echoed faintly, feeling her heart sink as she realized that once again, her opinion even on something as trivial as wedding flowers was going to be completely disregarded.

“Of course! It’d be totes perfect for the wedding!” The spirit medium was treated to a dazzling megawatt smile. “After all, you are the Pink Princess, aren’t you?”

Not on purpose! And while I may not be averse to pink, it still isn’t at all my favorite color! I  like purple Goddammit! But not as a flower named after the home-wrecking hussy that stole Nick away from me!

“Yes! I’m calling my florist friend right now!” Longines trilled, cell phone already clamped to his ear. “Hello? Ivy, sweetie! It’s Longine! I need a shipment of 50,000 pink peach blossoms ready for June 16, 2026 … Yes, entire branches of them! Also, I’ll be in touch with you soon about some purple and lavender flowers from Japan that I’d like to have imported as well as some Iris flowers from France! Price is no object! Uh-huh! Thank you!”

As he ended the call, the light in the cerulean eyes faded slightly as he noticed his betrothed’s tight-lipped expression.

“Maya sweetie what’s the problem? We’re still getting purple flowers for you – moreover, from the country of your roots of origin! Why don’t you look happier?”

The Kurain leader was too livid to even speak at that moment, and found herself mentally counting to ten to keep from exploding at that precise moment!

Just then, a look of understanding dawned on her fiancé’s face.

“I am such a dope!” Longines emitted a small laugh as he comically smacked himself in the forehead with the heel of his palm. “I understand why you’re so upset! Shame on me! I have been one very bad fiancé!”

Oh, thank God! Maya felt some of her tension melting at the contrite expression on his handsome face. So, he’s not totally self-absorbed and clueless! He finally gets it!

“How self-centered of me to have been prattling on about trivial floral arrangements when you’ve had the daunting task of finding the center attraction – the perfect wedding dress!” Longines exclaimed. “How short-sighted am I?! Forgive me, please, Maya! It’s your turn to ply me with details now and tell me all about how the gown shopping excursion went tonight?”

The Kurain head let out a soundless, long-suffering sigh. Her fiancé wasn’t a bad guy, just an utterly obtuse one. Seriously, like most men, he truly had no clue whatsoever!

“After a series of misses, I suppose the last shop was eventually a hit,” she replied hollowly. “Your famous friend, Porfirio, had some pretty nice gowns and managed to squeeze me in for a fitting. Mystic Mildred decided we’d take that one model she mentioned to you on the phone, and he told me since you’re such a dear friend to him, he’ll try hard to get his best seamstresses on the immediate daunting task of getting together all the extra material he’ll need to make a size 4 within the tight timeline since the sample sizes I was stuffing myself into all afternoon were all size 2!”

“There’s no need to worry your fiancée about whether or not you’ll have your dress ready in time, Mystic Maya,” Mildred informed her crisply. “The designer won’t need to bother custom creating your gown whatsoever. I took the liberty of ordering the dress in Magnolia white, right off the rack, and he’s going to have it shipped over from his Sacramento warehouse. Your first bridal fitting for it will be within a fortnight, guaranteed.”

“Guaranteed?” Maya gawked at her. “But he made such a big deal out of saying how he was the most sought-after designer in town and he couldn’t possibly ensure such a miracle! How did you manage to get him to promise to have the dress, in my size, in time for the wedding when he’s so busy?”

“Simple.” The Dragon Lady replied smugly folding her arms across her chest. “I ordered it in a size 2, which he has in abundance, and I was the one who had to promise him you’d fit into it in exactly 2 weeks. Effective tomorrow, Mystic Maya, you are to commence the same wedding diet your hard-working fiancée has been on for the past six months!”

“That’s a great idea, Mildred!” Longines clapped his hands. “We can be each other’s diet buddy, and motivate each other, Maya! We’ll be in the best shape of our lives for the nuptials!”

“D-diet?” Maya stammered, her head starting to spin. “Two weeks?!”

Mildred consulted her notebook and shoved the page bearing the new meal plan at the bride-to-be, unaware that Maya’s temper was nearing its breaking point as she scanned the world’s most absurdly stringent, unspeakable, and pretentious diet since Atkins!

Pre-Morning:

Two, glasses of alkalized water with apple cider vinegar, then a smoothie of blended alkalized viater, organic spirulina, activated almonds, maca, blueberries, stevia, coconut kefir, and two organic, free-range eggs.

Breakfast 8.30 AM

Sprouted millet, sorghum, chia, and buckwheat bread, with liver pate, avocado, cultured vegetables, plus ginger and liquorice root tea.

Lunch 12.30 PM

Fresh fish, sautéed kale and broccoli, spinach and avocado salad, cultured veggies.

Snack 3:00 PM

Activated almonds, coconut chips, cacao nibs, plus green too.

Dinner 6.30 PM

Emu meatballs, sautéed veggies, cultured vegetables, plus a cup of ginger and liquorice root teas

Snack 8.30 PM

A homemade coconut, carob, blueberry, goji and Stevia muffin, and chamomile tea.

“I hope you enjoyed your burgers in Australia, Mystic Maya.” Mildred was oblivious to the dangerous warning glint within the Master’s dark orbs. “I have already instructed the chef in Kurain to cease making all burgers and fatty foods that are not on this menu, posthaste! You shall be following this cleansing eating plan to a T unless you want to burst through the seams of that charity wedding gown!”

That does it! That’s the straw that broke the camel’s back!

Every violated phrase was like gasoline to it, but these final words were the fueling spark that finally ignited the wrath that had been building up like burning molten lava within her.

The Master had withstood the indignities Mildew had hurled at her about Misty’s scandalous, not-so-blushing bridal history and how Maya’s vanquished virginity would be tarnishing her own bridal status. She had endured the torturous wedding gown fittings for a dress she didn’t even want when she’d cruelly been denied wearing her own beloved mother’s dress. She had kept her mouth shut while her fiancé and his minions had decided to make the floral scheme pink and have flowers with the name of her despised cousin … But now she wouldn’t even be able to have burgers?! To hell with that! Enough was enough!

The Master’s curled-up fists began to shake as she felt her blood pressure skyrocketing until her entire body was quaking with rage as her blood boiled over.

Recognizing the warning signs of her cousin about to erupt like a volcano, Pearl instinctively covered her ears and ducked her head.

Maya clenched her jaw, a vein bulging in her head as she snapped her head up and subjected a lethal glare at the irksome triad seated across from her in the limousine: Armstrong Longines, and Mildew – especially Mildew. One hand fisted, digging nails into her skin until it turned white, forearm, and bicep forming a tense 45-degree angle at her side.

Not even thinking, she acted on pure instinct. Quick as lightning, her other arm shot out towards the offending trio, pointer finger outstretched in an all-too-familiar declaration of protest and accusation. Eyes blazing like twin onyx infernos, the fury fueling them was matched only by the resounding strike of her voice. Like a clap of thunder, the sound bounced off the walls of the backseat space, causing it to echo threateningly.

“OBJECTION!”

Longines, Mildew, and Armstrong all froze in place, a lead weight in the pits of their stomachs at the deafening, almost ethereal reverb that assaulted their auditory appendages, their eyes the size of saucers.

“Longines there is only so far I can be pushed to the edge before I finally snap!” Her voice was shaking with fury. “And I have been known to endure a lot for people I care about, but I have officially reached the end of my rope, do you hear me?! I have agreed with everything you have said because this was your dream, and you have been so good to both me and my little girl since I have known you. Be that as it may, what you’re asking for requires a saintly amount of patience and tolerance that I never proclaimed to have, and I shamelessly confess to having zero desire to be a doormat! I refuse to go along with these shenanigans for another minute!”

Hurt and angry tears filled her eyes.

“You just – accosted us right after a draining business trip on the other side of the planet, not caring to even let us unwind, then proceeded to inconsiderately drag us around town, like a couple of rag dolls, undermining my every input while making me bend to your every whim! How could you do that to me?! Do my feelings mean so little to you in the end? Are you nothing but another heartless, selfish billionaire after all?!”

“Maya, please don’t say such things!” Longines’s eyes were wide with shock and dismay. “I had no idea…”

“It’s my wedding too!” A tear of frustration rolled down her face. “Or have you forgotten entirely that this isn’t a one-man show? Can’t you see how miserable you’re making me? Realize how alienated all this is making me feel. Or do you just not care about anything but your desires, so long as you have a Stepford trophy wife on your arm at the end of the day?!”

“Sweet lady, forgive me.” Longines saw the droplet rolling down her angry, rosy cheek, and with surprising tenderness, reached up and wiped it away with his thumb. “Forgive this foolish man for being temporarily blindsided by all the glitz and glamour of a dream wedding and momentarily forgetting that at the end of the day, nothing means more to me than you.”

Her lips parted to speak again, but he pressed a gentle finger to her lips, silencing her.

“It didn’t occur to me how these impromptu commands have made you suffer so, and it breaks my heart that you were willing to endure all of this… for me. Up until this moment, I never realized just what a fortunate man I truly am, to have such a noble-hearted, selfless woman as my future wife. I give you my word, going forward, I’ll never again take you for granted, nor take advantage of your kindness, and that all decisions from here on shall be discussed and made together, my firecracker femme.”

Pearl’s heart sank to her shoes as she noted the wonderment and admiration in the blond man’s adoring orbs as he gazed at her stupefied cousin, the same way one would look at the beauty of the sunset over the mountainous horizon.

“I feel this strange sensation creeping up in my chest…” Longines murmured, clasping his hands against his heart in his typically exaggerated, dramatic manner.

It’s like watching a comet rapidly orbiting toward the Earth! The teen realized with panic. I need to stop it now before disaster strikes!

“It’s probably heartburn!” Pearl offered quickly, reaching into her purse for a roll of pastel, chalky Tums, and smiling angelically as she held the package of round tablets out. “Antacid?”

Armstrong barely swallowed back a high-pitched giggle at this, which he quickly attempted to mask as a series of sneezes.

Mildew just eyed the girl stonily.

Maya was too befuddled by the bizarre proclamation to notice anything but the tenderness in the profound blue eyes boring into hers.

Oblivious to everything but his fiancée, Longines continued to stare at Maya like a lovesick schoolboy, in an identical manner, the teen noticed, with a terrible feeling of dread rising within her, in which Luke gazed at her.

“And I feel this unfamiliar sensation of butterflies in my stomach…” the billionaire cooed, making the sensation in Pearl’s stomach rapidly morph into impending nausea!

“It’s probably gas!” At this point, the spirit medium had ceased trying to be polite or tactful and would have moved heaven and earth to avert the impending disaster she sensed about to happen! She frenetically dug into her purse for another bottle and smiled benignly as she waved it under the hair heir’s nose. “Beano?”

Maya barely choked back a horrified laugh as her head swiveled too abruptly to gawk at her cousin and her ready disposal of embarrassing pharmaceutical aids she’d packed for the Outback trip.

Seriously?! Did my little girl just offer my fiancé anti-flatulence pills?!

Unmindful of everything around him, Longines was now clutching his heart as he swooned.

“And now, I feel this fire searing within my chest…”

Ewww! I know that look too! Like a ravenous dog salivating over a juicy bone! That’s the way Uncle Larry looks at … everybody!

“Sounds like could be a heart attack!” Pearl noted with as much concern as she could muster, to disguise the growing alarm in her voice as she desperately held out her cell. “Ambulance?”

Longines ignored this offer as well and lunged at Maya, grandly sliding over in his seat and yanking her against his chest until they were nose to nose.

Mayday! This is worse than a train wreck! The acolyte’s eyes widened in horror. Somebody do something!

“Longines perhaps you’ve had a few too many rum ball samples and mimosas during those menu tastings…” Armstrong interjected desperately, obviously as dismayed at what was transpiring before him as Pearl was, if not more so!

“Such fire! Such burning passion! And soon it’s going to be all mine!” Longines breathed against Maya’s incredulous, wide-eyed face. “Did anyone ever tell you how intoxicatingly beautiful you are when you’re angry, my fiery, hotheaded beauty?”

Stiffen the wombats! Mildew’s thin, veiny hand flew to her bony chest. Does this mean he’s not gay after all and just … European?! Did I go through the trouble of making this getaway plan for nothing?! Bah, who cares, too late to call them off now – no way am I gambling my future on the bridegroom’s sudden turnabout of heterosexuality which may or may not flop back to indeterminable!

Pearl felt her heart almost literally stop beating as the besotted billionaire stared into his fiancée’s confused wide eyes.

“I never realized until this very instant how you set me ablaze with that fiery temper of yours!” The blond man proclaimed with an ardor the village leader had never seen before. “You have invaded my mind and flooded my senses with your very essence, Maya Fey!”

And with that, the spellbound, (and possibly tipsy) Longines Beaugosse proceeded to plant a big, wet, open-mouthed smooch, right on the unsuspecting Kurain Master’s lips.

Maya was too stunned to even reciprocate the gesture. While the sensation of the warm, insistent lips pressed against her own wasn’t entirely unpleasant, it appeared so unseemly to have their premiere kiss be in front of so many witnesses, and was the first time any sort of beyond platonic physical interaction had ever transpired between the two of them – ever!

It was also most certainly the first time any man other than Phoenix Wright had ever placed his lips on any part of her body.

The delayed realization of that second factor resulted in the hot tears of confusion stinging the back of her eyes. Fortunately for her, by the time her fiancé pulled back from his crushing embrace, her damp, red orbs appeared to be interpreted as a sign of happy bridal emotion on her part, as though she’d been completely moved by her betrothed’s swooping gesture, rather than feeling like her head was swarming over mystification about this sudden turnabout.

She wasn’t the only one whose eyes weren’t completely dry in that limousine. Only Mildew maintained her impassive, haughty countenance. Armstrong looked as though he were about to burst into tears as well – albeit for entirely different reasons! – and the heartsick Pearl was rapidly blinking back her disconsolate tears as well.

I now need to go poke out both my physical, as well as my mind’s eye!

Suddenly the teen felt her phone vibrate in her purse. It was an email from her best friend … Finally!

The message had been sent during the day, around noon, but for some reason, her telecom carrier had delayed sending the email right until that very moment.

Hey Pearly! I am so sorry I forgot about calling you back to let you know about my Daddy! Don’t worry, he’s fine, and Phoenix Wright is a complete free bird now…

Great! Pearl thought sourly, momentarily forgetting her misery about the harrowing scene she’d just witnessed. Now she tells me!

The adults were now discussing some ludicrous details about the wedding.

Longines was now sulking about his fiancée’s refusal to allow a Cirque du Soleil sort of performance at the reception, along with the fact that Maya was now desperately trying to rationalize the impracticality of riding an elephant down the aisle, explaining how the village’s mountainous air would be terrible for the creature, not to mention the mess it could potentially leave in its wake, in more ways than one! 

What a crappy way to start a marriage indeed…Pearl thought darkly, with uncustomary waspishness.

Meanwhile, Armstrong was trying to appeal to the fact that the elephant ride could be seen as cultural appropriation since the billionaire was not Hindu, plus the customary accompanying turban normally worn by elephant-riding Indian bridegrooms would more than likely ruin his perfect coiffure!

Both the assistant and Maya completely sided with Mildew’s negation of Longines’s alternative suggestions of riding in on a snow-white Bengal tiger or walking down the aisle with two of the endangered wild beasts on leashes, citing it would be not only impractical but nearly impossible! The old woman wisely and hastily offered the possibility of the groom riding in on a decorated white horse instead, as an equally showy but less hazardous, and PETA-friendly alternative!

Heaving a disgusted sigh, Pearl turned back to Trucy’s email.

So that creepy German Sausage (as Aunt Sasha calls him!), “a friend” of Daddy’s all this time, was the real killer who tried to frame him! He was this shark-eyed man with a very dark aura, whom I never liked! He gave me the heebie-jeebies and Daddy was always so tense whenever he was around! I never understood why they were friends in the first place! Anyway, that nasty defense attorney Kristoph Gavin, (I’m sure I’ve mentioned him to you over the years!) he’s now behind bars where he belongs!

“I just don’t see what’s wrong with wanting a petting zoo!” Longines cried indignantly. “On top of being adorable, any baby goats that are there will be great for consuming any excess weeds or vines that you want to get rid of, in a safe and environmentally sound manner!”

Biting back an angry mutter at the latest Groomzilla efforts to obliterate poor Maya’s desire for simpler, low-key nuptials and thus turning everything into an indisputably gaudy, three-ring circus instead, Pearl returned her attention to the message.

Unfortunately, for reasons that I can’t get into right now (but will explain next time I see you – but may not be for a while!) I’m surely going to be grounded for life based on the text message I got from Daddy this morning!
It said: “Trucy Hecate Wright … I know where you work. You can’t hide forever. You’ll have to come home eventually …”
Holy Siegfried and Roy, am I in big trouble!
Maybe I’ll just tell you next time we chat, assuming he doesn’t suspend my Skype/phone privileges whenever I do return home!
Anyway, I swear I wasn’t ignoring your calls or messages. I had my phone on silent mode since I went to work last night and then had to rush to school this morning. I didn’t even go home – I crashed at my friend Jinxie’s house – remember you met her at my birthday party? She says “Hi”.

This means I also didn’t have a change of clothes, so here’s a selfie of me having to wear one of her kimonos! Good thing we’re the same size! Everyone keeps asking us if we’re trying to be twins! They’re so silly! I mean Jinxie Tenma is pretty and all… but hello?! Do I look Asian to you?!
Anyway, I’m super duper sorry that I probably had you worried sick! PLEASE still love me, my forever bestie, BFF, and heterosexual life partner of mine! I’m risking detention if the teacher busts me for sneaking this message to you in class so that counts for something, right?!

OK, I love you, bye-bye!
Trucy

It was nearly 7:00 PM now. Trucy would be working at The Wonder Bar at the moment, so being able to talk to her now was out of the question, even if Pearl hadn’t been surrounded at the moment!

Sighing soundlessly, the relieved but still slightly annoyed spirit medium turned her focus back to the adults.

“We don’t need to make all of our decisions now,” Longines was telling Mildred and Armstrong, his arm draped possessively around his betrothed’s shoulders. “After all, I know I wouldn’t care for Maya making such huge, executive decisions without my input as I’ve been doing to her, so I shall not proceed to make any more until I have calmly and rationally discussed them with her.”

He affectionately placed a loud kiss on the Kurain leader’s still-flushed cheek.

“After, of course, when my poor lady has had a chance to have a proper meal and a good night’s rest! The diet is completely optional, of course, although if you can think of a better way to fit into a gown two sizes down in two weeks, sweetie, do let me know! I’m sick of this stringent meal plan already myself!”

Maya smiled uncomfortably and merely nodded her acquiescence, still unsure of how this sudden turnabout in her fiancé’s behavior made her feel. What did all of this mean? Did he sincerely have feelings for her, after all? Did he intend for their marriage to be a real one and no longer one of mere convenience? Did she want any of that? She had no clue what to think anymore! It was all happening like a whirlwind, and she didn’t know how to handle it!

It was too much, too soon, too fast…

What do I want? I thought I knew. Now I don’t know anything anymore.

Maya shut her eyes and focused on taking deep, calming breaths to restore her accelerated heart rate to a normal pace.

Some days I need love,
Some days I need sex,
and some days I don’t need shit from anyone.
Some days people fill me with hope and I want to do good,
And some days people drain me and I want to be left alone.
Some days I do my best to save the world,
And some days I can hardly do anything but watch it burn.
Some days I feel so alive.
And some days I feel I can barely survive.

Bitch-Fu Rant – TFS Dragon Ball Z: Abridged Parody Episode 18

Linkin Park – One Step Closer

Coldplay – Clocks