35 I Heard It Through The Grapevine

What would you do if I sang out of tune
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
And I’ll try not to sing out of key

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

What do I do when my love is away
(Does it worry you to be alone?)
How do I feel by the end of the day
(Are you sad because you’re on your own?)

No, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

Maya Fey and Mia Fey
Hickfield Clinic, Maya Fey’s ICU Room
September 8, 2020

“Now that you’ve filled in all the remaining blanks your beau wasn’t able to, I’m afraid these problems you’re having in Kurain are beyond Phoenix’s ability to fix this time around, little sister,” the buxom beauty sighed, dropping down onto the foot of the hospital bed. “There’s a lot of profoundly entrenched issues that need to be unraveled first and foremost, which have been deeply rooted before you even assumed the title.”

“Unless you know how to build a time machine, I can’t turn back and undo all the damage that’s been done,” the spirit medium jested.

Mia rolled her beautiful ochre orbs heavenward at her quip, so she quickly amended her statement.

“I mean, as much as I’d like to go back in time, obviously I can’t, so there has to be another solution, but I have no idea what! How on earth do I take on all these pre-existing issues on top of the newfound hellacious ways they keep finding to torture me?”

“We need to try to get to the root of that cause first and then deal with all the other shenanigans you’re facing against those who oppose your authority. The first cut is the deepest, so they say. In the case of the origins of this particular deep, pulsating wound … My educated guess would be it all stems from the DL-6 incident.”

“You’re right, it does,” the psychic nodded, tightly hugging her pillow to her chest.  “I’ve been shying away from tackling things at the heart of the matter, thinking if only I prove myself, all those years of prejudice and conjectures the elders have about our family, about the law, will just go away. Discernibly, I was wrong! It’s all so overwhelming, Sis. I don’t even know where to begin!”

“Well, the person who’s left this fresh hell for you to deal with is already incarcerated, so there’s nothing else that can be done in that regard.” The elder Fey’s expression was thoughtful. “What we need to figure out is how to tackle the demon spawns she’s sired in her destructive wake, starting with her most grueling one, Mildew. If you can get her to topple, we’ll get the domino effect we’re seeking, and the rest will fall accordingly, thereafter.”

“It all starts with one, huh?” The younger Fey brooded. “But tackling the issue that is The Dragon Lady is easier said than done; even if she wasn’t always trash-talking and thumbing her nose at you and mom because she didn’t agree with the paths you chose, she also makes it clear she will never respect my authority because she’s such an avid Morgan supporter. If that old battle-ax had had her way, our evil, duplicitous aunt would have been completely successful in her murderous endeavors!”

“You know what I’m thinking here, Maya?” Mia spoke slowly, as a realization suddenly dawned on her. “You can’t take the high road with slithering reptilians like Mildew and her ilk. There’s no point. When you get scared, embarrassed, angry, nervous, full of emotion, and bad thoughts… Remember to maintain your discipline. It earns you respect the more.”

“That’s sage advice, Sis, but I still don’t know how much good that will do me in this case…”

“Don’t you get it, Maya? We’ve got to turn things around here! You’ve been going about this all wrong, trying to prove yourself to them, and trying to garner their reverence…”

“It seemed like the best idea at the time, trying to establish my worthiness of the title… nobbling them by making them respect me, consequently, just seemed to be the next logical route,” the psychic professed miserably. “Liking me was inconsequential but not unwelcome!”

“Eureka! That’s it!” Mia snapped her fingers and her eyes lit up. “Jiminy Christmas, is there a light bulb over my head?”

“You mean you had an idea?” Maya asked hopefully.

“No little sis,” the recently deceased japed. “I’m seriously asking if there’s a lightbulb over my head!”

“Ha-ha. Alright, wise one, let’s have at it then?”

“Have you ever heard the phrase, respect is born out of either love or fear? Mia inquired eagerly. “Well, forget about trying to make them respect you because they like you and acknowledge your abilities…what we’ve got to do is strike fear in their hearts!”

“Oooh…I like the way you think, Sis!” The diviner exclaimed enthusiastically. “You’re thinking if they fear me, they’ll also have to respect me!”

“That’s right.” The legal legend gave a Cheshire cat grin. “Mostly because we won’t let them have any other choice.”

Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth
Hickfield Clinic, Visitors Lounge
September 8, 2020

“W- What?” Phoenix stammered, completely flabbergasted by the words his friend had just uttered. “W- who? Your manservant told you about Maya? H- How?”

“The questions who, what, and how are not yours to ask, Wright. The question is mine, and it is why?” Edgeworth asked curtly. “As in why did I have to hear from Hendricks that Miss Fey, your girlfriend – unless you’ve loused that up since we last spoke! – and my good friend, had been hospitalized, yet I had not been privy to hear neither hide nor hair of it from you?”

Whoa! He’s seriously steamed about being left out of the loop! Phoenix acknowledged, taken aback by the vehement anger in his friend’s undertone, despite his voice not being raised. I honestly never intended to do that! It’s just what with suddenly playing daddy to two little girls, visiting Maya daily while praying for her well-being, and then having to go and bluff my pianist skills at work … it just downright slipped my mind! I’m seriously touched by how much Edgeworth cares though. It didn’t occur to me how much he genuinely does love Maya; he truly values her friendship beyond mere Steel Samurai kinship bonding. That’s why he’s so mad. He’s hurt I didn’t tell him.

The realization made the hobo smack his forehead with the heel of his palm.  

Oh boy! Look like it’s time to take my (verbal) lumps like a man…and be thankful he’s not here in person to give them to me physically – this time!

Maya Fey and Mia Fey
Hickfield Clinic, Maya Fey’s ICU Room
September 8, 2020

“The question is not why, but how. As in, how to train your dragon? That is the $64,000 question.” Mia closed her eyes in contemplation for a moment.

“Sis, citing off titles of children’s movies isn’t going to help here,” Maya kidded.

Mia opened her eyes and slowly turned her head towards her sister with a look of mounting annoyance on her face. Oblivious that her joke had flatlined, the diviner continued jesting in her usual playful manner.

“Welp, if you’re looking at approaching The Dragon Lady and treating her accordingly as a giant, fiery reptile,” she went on gaily. “I suppose we could try to channel the late St. George to slay the beast on our behalf…”

Maya was on a roll now, completely unprepared for the explosive reaction coming her way.

“There is also the option to exploit said wyvern’s particular fondness for gold… hot toilet wine! I’ve got it! We first lure, then lock her into a room full of treasure, jewels, and pretty, shiny nuggets galore…”

“Oh, for the love of all holy saints!” Mia snapped, at last, affixing her sister with a ferocious glare. “Can you stop being a clown ass and please be serious here for a minute, Master Fey?”

Maya was taken aback by the reaction.

“Awe, lighten up Sis, I was just joking around!”

“Objection! My ribbing you about Phoenix making like a carpenter’s hammer and nailing you was a joke!” Mia scolded, giving her sibling such a stern look that poor Maya slumped down on the bed in fright as the former defense attorney continued her tirade. “This reprehensible dilemma with Mildew and the others pushing you around, and nearly to the breaking point, is no laughing matter, missy!”

“I know that! But – but…”

“Here I am, back from the other side of the grave, frantically trying to help you fix this horrendous debacle you’re in yet there you sit by idly…” Mia extended her arm and raised her famous legal pointer finger until it was mere inches from her sister’s nose … “making insipid, corny jokes!”

“Sis, I’m sorry…” Maya whimpered, cowering even lower and pulling the covers up to her chin.

Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth
Hickfield Clinic, Visitors Lounge
September 8, 2020

“I am so sorry, Edgeworth.” Phoenix dragged a hand down his face as he braced himself for impact, knowing his apology would likely be falling on deaf ears. “It – It just didn’t seem like the sort of thing you email someone about … it must’ve been such a shock! It was a shock for me and I heard it on the phone! But for the record, you did indicate that you would be inaccessible via phone, after all…”

“I said you wouldn’t be able to reach me by phone, yes,” his friend conceded grumpily. “Nonetheless, if email correspondence was your sole source of contacting me, it still should have been utilized! That was ultimately how Hendricks contacted me. My American cell phone has been forwarded to my LA penthouse and my butler screens my calls and voicemails, ensuring I’m made cognizant about matters of magnitude, via electronic mail – in this case, the frantic message made by little Pearl three days prior. Thence, I can still call you, if need be.”

“How are you calling me, anyway?” The pianist was bewildered. “I thought you were on some top-secret Interpol mission and your whereabouts weren’t allowed to be known?”

“I am not in any breach of my required anonymity instructions, Wright,” Edgeworth informed him, his annoyed tone partially now replaced with his typical dry one. “Take a look at your caller ID. Tell me, what does it say? Does it give you any indication of who is calling you or the caller’s whereabouts, 
whatsoever?”

Phoenix blinked. He’d forgotten that he hadn’t even checked to see who’d been calling when he’d answered … he’d just been relieved for the excuse to break away from the death glare Maya had given him when he’d blown the whistle on her to Mia!

Oh, boy, I’m gonna pay for that later, too. Yeesh! I’m in hot water with my best friend, then later, my girlfriend… is there anyone in my life right now who isn’t super pissed at me?

Possibly Mia. But only because she was in the Twilight Realm. However, to compensate for this reprieve, he more than likely was consequently overdue for a few patented Pearl Fey slaps, for some reason or other, soon enough …

“Um, yeah, good point, it says ‘unknown name, unknown number.’ So yes Edgeworth, you have thus maintained your status of International Man of Mystery, heh, heh.”

“I wouldn’t start chuckling just yet, Wright. I am still quite unimpressed with you. Tell me, something – did Gumshoe know about Miss Fey’s critical condition?”

“Yes, in fact, he and Maggey are the ones who look after Pearls in the evening, along with Trucy, on nights she’s not working at The Wonder Bar. But since Maya is in ICU, they only allow immediate family to see her.”

“Then how did you manage to get in there?”

“I, um, claimed I was a first cousin.”

However, after witnessing the way I’ve been talking to Maya in her unconscious state, and the copious amounts of kissing on her sleeping face, the medical staff here undoubtedly think we’re the most incestuous cousins on the planet! I’m guessing they just assumed we’re from the Southern States? 

“You just can’t stop bluffing, can you?” The prosecutor sounded a trifle amused for a second, but then his voice hardened again. “So, Gumshoe also knew of this calamity, yet he didn’t see fit to notify me either? Remind me to cut his salary during his next review… Ngh! I forgot that he’s rich now, so I can’t threaten him with penury anymore! Verily then. Ergo! Do remind me to send him a scathing email instead, after we wrap up here, Wright.”

I will do no such thing! Suffering Serpent and the Rainbow! Poor, unsuspecting Gumshoe – even when he’s not working under Franziska’s whipping wrath anymore, and no longer needs to answer to Edgeworth as his boss, he’s still not spared a tongue-lashing! At least he and I can compare our battle injuries from the pissed-off prosecutor’s barbed verbal attacks later sometime!

“For what it’s worth, Maya’s no longer in a coma,” he ventured feebly. “She woke up just moments before you rang and is going to be just fine.”

“Humph! And just when were you going to tell me this latest tidbit of information, Wright?”

Holy fat-free carp a skewer! Edgeworth is really on edge! If I didn’t know better, I’d think something else was eating him, beyond being mortally wounded by my inadvertent uncommunicativeness on this matter…

“Edgeworth, exactly how many times are you going to rake me over the coals for this?” The ex-attorney sighed resolutely. “You’re absolutely right to be mad at me. You’re my best friend in the world, and Maya and I love you like family.  Although it was unintentional on my part, you absolutely

shouldn’t have been kept in the dark and I swear to you on all that is sacred and holy, I will never be so careless again.”

Silence on the line.

The pianist wasn’t sure if his childhood chum was at all mollified or simply reloading his ammo. He affected a more imploring tone, just to be safe.

“I apologize, Miles,” he said sincerely. “I’m really and truly sorry.”

It was the rare use of his friend’s first name that seemed to do the trick this time.

“Forget it about, Wright.”

Despite the gruffness of the words, the legist’s tone had softened a tad. After all, while the card shark was too big a man to mention it, they both knew he’d forgiven the prosecutor for much more dire sins in the past.

“Moving on then!” Phoenix was eager to change that subject. “How’s Franziska doing?”

Another strange pause.

“She is blissfully still dead to the world as we speak, as it’s only quarter past five in the morning where we are. However, she’s doing well, thank you.”

The hobo was now positive he’d heard acidity within the other man’s cadence when he’d inquired about his fiancée. Which was odd, considering Edgeworth had been so besotted with the woman that he’d decked Phoenix for slighting her! But he knew how jealously his friend guarded his privacy, so he didn’t even try to pry. Edgeworth knew by now that he could always turn to him if he needed an ear.

“In response to your prior, subtle as a Mack truck query, I’d like to let you know that shockingly, no I didn’t louse things up this time. Maya is still my girlfriend and therefore, yes, we’re very much still together! Um, about as together as we can be, anyway…” he added without thinking.

“What on devil does that mean?”

Damn your slippery tongue, Phoenix! You’ve lost your acuity, along with your badge!

“Well, you know,” he began awkwardly. “Circumstances being what they are right now since my disbarment… and her being a prominent Master and all…. and factoring in that she no longer resides with me, and is now a two-hour commute away and everything…”

“You’re fumfering, Wright,” the barrister stated dryly. “Is there something fallacious between you and Miss Fey? Are you due yet another talking to, the way I had to do that fateful night at the bar?”

Holy sweet baby of Mary, no! Not that! Anything but that!

Miles Edgeworth’s lectures consisted of such painful, mind-numbing, ego-crushing, pride-stripping virulence that paint thinners could have easily been made from it! The normally impervious Phoenix was still recovering from the last one! His mental afflictions from the logic lover’s castigations had taken him longer to get over than the actual physical blow he’d received from him!

“We’ve seen each other only three times within the last year and a half.”

The beanie man slumped down in his chair and pulled his hat over his eyes after he spoke – as if trying to physically block out the weight of his confession.

“Do you care to enlighten me as to why?”  The normally austere chess enthusiast was unable to hide the astonishment in his tone. “The last time you and I spoke of her, you were playing dodgeball with her calls because you were worried about how she would react to the news of your disbarment. Then when we spoke on the phone the next day, I got you to confess that the real concern wasn’t her feared rejection of you. You’d indicated that you were fretful about the repercussions of Children’s Services if they found out about the two of you, hence, you didn’t know how you and Miss Fey would be able to make things work in the meantime. Has that particular matter with the social worker not yet been resolved?”

“Oh sure, that was over ages ago. Trucy’s since been formally adopted now and is legally and truly mine. That’s not the issue at all.”

“Then exactly what, pray tell, is keeping you from leaning on the woman you love in your darkest hour? And, at the very least, being a family with her and Trucy?”

That was when the anterior attorney opened the floodgates and professed everything to his brother-in-arms. His voice nearly broke a few times as he unburdened the sorrows and hardships he’d been shouldering alone, at long last. Phoenix unleashed all of it, from his suspicions about Kristoph Gavin’s thinly veiled threats and his consequential fears for Maya’s safety to the Kurain restriction, as well as the heartbreaking events that had transpired the day of the Master Ceremony with Mildew.

Edgeworth listened quietly, occasionally murmuring the odd “Interesting,” and “I see,” his placid tone not once indicating his own feelings on the matters whatsoever.

“You see, at least in Kurain, I know Maya’s safe,” Phoenix finished, taking a moment to catch his breath. “Or, so I thought … before this happened! But it kills me that I couldn’t even go see her once all this time because of that miserable old bag…”

“Nnnngrrrr! Don’t say Oldbag, I beseech you!” The lawyer groaned. “I still have nightmares about that She-Thing!”

Phoenix chuckled at the mention of his friend’s geriatric stalker. Wendy Oldbag was the one thing Miles Edgeworth feared more than elevators and earthquakes combined!

“Sorry, Edgey-poo,” he snickered, using the unfortunate nickname the hagridden cravat man had been bequeathed. “I didn’t mean to bring up all the wistful memories of you and The Wicked Witch of the Witness Stand!”

“You’re an ass, Wright.”

Phoenix smirked, picturing Edgeworth’s famous steely glare at him even through the phone line complete with signature arms crossed across the chest and tapping index finger on the arm, the way he always did when he was impatient or unamused.

“Apologies, dear friend. As I was saying, I can’t go see Maya in Kurain because of that vile termagant! Oldbag is like a fart in a hurricane by comparison! I swear, The Dragon Lady is the most crotchety, cantankerous despot …”

“You’ve been working on your vocabulary, I see.” The magenta-clad man’s amusement at this colorful depiction was evident. “Bravo to you for that!”

“Holy crapballs! Put a sock in it already! Now is not the time to be a heartless, condescending prig! Where’s your freakin’ empathy?”

“Wright, you really should come up with a supply of cheese to match your vintage whine.”

“I don’t think you’re grasping how our hapless situation is no laughing matter!” Phoenix cried. “Don’t you get it? Maya and I can’t be together – ever! I can’t go to the village because The Dragon Lady threatened to have me charged with trespassing –”

“I see that line of logic as a big failure or a foolish joke.”

“Hey! Don’t just cut into my monologue like that!” Phoenix was indignant. “Can’t you see I’m  explaining things here?”

“No, Wright, you’re whinging to me about a problem to which there is a perfectly simple and logical resolution.”

“Well feed me garlic and call me stinky! What’s this now? A solution to this Kurain embargo?” The hobo couldn’t keep the sarcasm from his tone. “Well then enlighten me, post-haste! I’d love to hear your sage advice, Mr. Logic!”

“You need to free your mind more, Wright, and let it fly like a bird on the wind.”

Says the man whose hair looks like a bird on his head…

Phoenix grumbled to himself as he wracked his brain, trying to deduce all possibilities to the situation with the village elders. Unfortunately, he drew a complete and total blank.

“Jumpin’ jacks and a half stack of hat racks!” Frustrated, he yanked off his hat and raked a hand through his spikes. “Call me dimwitted if you must, but I am just not grasping where you’re going with this! I mean, maybe it’s because I’m too close to the blasted situation…”

“I believe the proper phrase here is, you fail,” chuckled his courtroom rival, who was clearly enjoying having the upper hand.

“I super-hate you, Edgeworth,” the former King of the Turnabout muttered darkly.

“Wright, I know you’re not a lawyer anymore, but you should never stop thinking like one!” Edgeworth urged. “There is a giant contradiction right here in front of us. Can’t you see it?”

“I cannot believe you just used the word contradiction, Edgeworth,” Phoenix couldn’t resist a slight dig. “It appears that over the years, I must have seriously rubbed off on you! You’re even starting to sound like me!”

“Unngggh!” Edgeworth grunted, then cleared his throat. “The point I’m trying to make is that this Mildred person, how is it she has the power to vanquish you off that property? Is she the sole proprietor of it?”

“Nooo…” Phoenix replied slowly. “That wizened harpy is just a village Elder and possibly ancient enough to be Oldbag’s grandmother! Maya is the Master and as far as I know, my girlfriend is the legal owner of all that land. At least, her family was. And I think she is now…”

“You think, Wright? Do you mean neither you nor Maya ever investigated the title of land ownership? Or Misty Fey’s Last Will and Testament?”

“There was no time to fuss about inheritances after that whole Hazakura Temple incident! As you know, Maya barely had time to mourn her mother’s passing before she was thrust into assuming the Master role right afterward. Therefore, there was no final will reading or legal formality…”

“Ergo, I take this to mean that you didn’t look into a bloody thing,” the barrister sighed. “Don’t worry, I shall delve into the matter.”

“Maybe I’ve been a non-attorney for too long, but for what purpose? Where are you going with this?”

“The law is merely a tool, Wright. There is no limit to it, only the skill of the craftsman.” Edgeworth reminded him. “Think, man, think! If it can be lawfully proven that Miss Fey is the sole, legal owner of the land and the property that is Kurain Village…”

“That means absolutely nobody has the authority to eject me from the boundaries of the property, because it belongs to Maya!” Phoenix sat up straighter now and tugged his hat back on his head, feeling his first surge of hope in years. “Edgeworth, you’re a genius!”

“I can’t always argue with you now, can I Wright?” The prosecutor sounded as self-satisfied as the cat that’d eaten the cream. “So that’s one hassle potentially out of the way – and don’t worry – you’re welcome. What else?”

“Well, it’s like I told you, I have my suspicions about Gavin even though I have no definitive proof … though I’ve told you about the underlying menacing comments and thinly veiled threats he’s made. Despite being told Maya and I are broken up now, he nevertheless always seems to know my whereabouts!”

The hobo yanked at his beanie in agitation.

“And even if I can sneak into Kurain say, in the middle of the night going forward without any legal repercussion, I’m still too paranoid to risk my girlfriend’s safety having her come down to see me. Gavin knows where I live, Edgeworth. He – he comes to watch me where I work! He knows where Trucy works…there is little doubt that he’s following me. And if he sees Maya…”

“You’re afraid he’ll follow through on those implied threats.”

Phoenix shuddered at the thought.

“I just can’t take that risk. Therefore, there’s nowhere safe for Maya and me to see one another here in LA. Hotels are out of the question, what with the closest one, Gatewater being across the street, and visible viewing distance from my place. Plus, I don’t have the money for that kind of extravagance what with raising a daughter and all…”

“Wright, please, cease your puling and rambling,” Edgeworth ordered. “Complaining solves nothing but creative problem solving amongst people with a common focus will produce solutions.”

The hobo lapsed into subdued silence as the barrister continued.

“Franziska got a lead about the Gavins the other day, and I will look into that matter for you. I haven’t stopped my investigations on that subject, but this man is one smooth criminal. He’s left no trails whatsoever, so if he is indeed causing your suspicions, finding the evidence of it will be no easy feat.”

“Just as I thought – total bummer balls!” Phoenix slumped in his seat. “Words cannot describe how screwed I am!”

“But in the meantime,” his friend went on, like he hadn’t heard him. “You’re aware of the location of my residence, are you not?”

“No, I’ve never been there.”

Possibly because you’ve never invited me…

“It’s 1 Palos Verdes, Coto de Caza, Penthouse. Surely you’ve heard of that area?”

Heard of it? Are you kidding? I wouldn’t even know how to spell it!

“Um, can’t say I have …”

“The Empire Bellagio building.”

“That’s your place? Damn! That’s the most exclusive area in LA! It’s where the Gumshoes are moving to next week!”

Holy Toledo, I didn’t realize the Gumshoes were that loaded! They’re officially in Miles Edgeworth yuppie money leagues now!

“I know.” His dialogue partner sounded smug. “I was told that there was a 20-year waiting list for a suite in that condo when I was first shopping around for a penthouse. I didn’t feel like waiting, so I just outright bought it.”

“What, that penthouse?”

“No, the building.”

“Son of a preacher man!” Phoenix’s jaw dropped to his chest. “You own the entire Empire Bellagio building?”

“How else do you think Gumshoe was able to secure a place in that building?” Edgeworth replied loftily. “I told you that Hendricks keeps me abreast of any relevant matters that occur in my absence did I not?”

Wow, I guess this favor sure atones for all the times he cut Gumshoe’s salary when he was on the police force! Hmmm, … so good old Edgy has a heart of gold to go with this newfound conscience and those unnecessary feelings, it would seem…

“It’s truly great, what you did for the Gumshoes.” The pianist scratched his head. “Although I still don’t quite get why you’re giving me your address?”

“Wright, how daft are you? I’m giving you use of my place as a safe ground for you and Miss Fey to meet up whenever her business travels bring her down to LA, or whenever you two so desire. Let me know what day is best for you and I will ensure Hendricks will be available to give you the keys.”

Phoenix was poleaxed by the beyond generous offer. In a dozen lifetimes, he would never be able to afford such a luxury residence, that trumped even the poshest hotels in the city! Moreover, as it was on the other side of town, in an upscale area, it was unlikely he would be noticed or followed there. Even if he was spotted going into the building, Gumshoe, as Trucy’s babysitter, was the perfect ruse to be going there! He could safely hold Maya in his arms in the undoubtedly opulent penthouse suite with no worry or care in the world, and in the meantime, his precious baby girl would safely be a few floors down in the care of one of his dearest friends. It was the perfect answer to essentially all his prayers and relationship problems.

It was just a crying shame he couldn’t accept it.

“That’s an incredibly magnanimous offer, my friend.” He cleared his throat. “And as much as I appreciate it – and believe me, I do – I just can’t take you up on it.”

“What the deuce?” For once, the usually cool and collected legist was unable to hide the incredulity from his composed tone. “Why in the blazes not, Wright? Have you lost what is left of your mind?”

“Listen, you’ve already done so much for me! You’re my best friend, so please try to understand,” Phoenix pleaded. “I just can’t accept a charitable handout from you – not on such a grand scale! I at least need to maintain my dignity, if nothing else!”

“You foolish fopdoodle of a man! A handout? That’s how you choose to look at this?” Edgeworth demanded, his ire unmistakable now. “Do you not remember when you defended me in court four years ago, and then staunchly refused to accept payment from me?”

“Of course I do. And I still won’t! Why are you bringing that up now, though?”

“Because this isn’t a hand-out, Wright. Consider this the other part of my debt repaid.”

“The other part?”

“You imbecile! Have you truly not noticed that you haven’t received an internet, phone, or cable bill for the last four years?”

Phoenix scratched the back of his neck as he thought. As promised, Maya indeed had funded his rent, in a lump sum, for the next few years. And the money he and Trucy both made at their jobs paid his other bills: water, electricity, and groceries, quite manageably, although for the past year, even more so. This was mostly due to the large, sporadic, anonymous cash donations he seemed to keep getting in the mail!
In the midst of all this, and the general chaos that was his everyday existence, the absence of that one aforementioned consolidated bill had escaped his notice, much to his complete embarrassment!

“Um…” he mumbled. “I guess I thought…  they just sorta … forgot to bill me?”

“Oh, hell’s biscuits!” Edgeworth sounded pained now. “You honestly are as trite as Godot said, aren’t you?”

“Objection!” Phoenix injected plaintively. “That was a low blow, pal!”

“Wright, listen carefully.” The tea lover spoke slowly and deliberately, as though addressing a small, dimwitted child. “I took the fee that I would normally charge my clients and applied it to your account with your TV/cell/internet provider. You’re paid up for at least… another decade.”

Phoenix swiftly did the math in his mind, and nearly did a spit take with the coffee he’d just helped himself to from the vending machine. It was at least a standard California defense attorney’s half-year salary! Yet his friend insisted he was indebted to him?!

“Edgeworth, your so-called debt to me is repaid at least ten times over!” He exclaimed in disbelief. “Holy garbanzo beans – how do you figure you still owe me a blasted thing?”

“Do you have any idea how much I typically charge, Wright?” The district attorney asked wryly. “After this is all said and done, I’ll consider us to be square. But not before then.”

The pianist shook his head stubbornly, even though he knew the other man couldn’t see him.

“Edgeworth, no. I just can’t. Forget charity …I’d feel like I was taking … malapropos propitiousness of your friendship and your Lincolnesque benignity! I can’t lower myself to be a man of such low moral turpitude!”

“By the rood, I have had it with you, Phoenix Wright!” The apoplectic genius snarled. The poker champ could easily picture his rival’s fearsome, angry zombie expression, even over the phone. “I am not going to waste one more moment of my valuable breath attempting to have a logical conversation with a man who has the common sense of a lemming, regardless of his newly enhanced vocabulary! I exhort you to go over to Miss Fey and let me speak to her, posthaste!”

“W- What?” The hobo was stunned. “You want to talk to Maya now? Why?”

“Do not argue with me, Wright,” Edgeworth stated, in his frosty don’t mess with me voice. “Give. Miss. Fey. The. Phone. Now.”

“B – But…”

“Silence!”

Maya Fey and Mia Fey
Hickfield Clinic, Maya Fey’s ICU Room
September 8, 2020

“Silence!” Mia fumed, slapping her hands down, courtroom style, on the hospital over-bed table, with such force it went wheeling across the room. “Maya Fey, you are blessed that I’m not giving you an even more Brobdingnagian lambasting for your feckless and impetuous actions which made you wind up in here in the first place, you … you reckless ninny!”

I’m lucky she’s not giving me more hell?! Mystic Ami help me…this is her holding back?! 

The patient cringed and barely resisted the urge to dive under the blankets for cover. Mia had always been slow to lose her temper, but when she did, look out!

“Moreover, for the record, little sister, if you know what’s good for you, I’d better have since dissuaded any fool-headed notions you’ve been having about checking out of here early!”

The former defense attorney hopped off the bed and began pacing the room while she continued her tirade.

“You and Phoenix make quite the pair, you know that? Just a few days ago, I had to reprimand your other half about his superhero complex and need to meander about, carrying the burden of the world on his shoulders alone. Speciously, I am now required to give you the same homily!”

Mia put her hands on her hips.

“Do you know he blamed himself for your ludicrous actions? That he somehow convinced himself that his lack of presence at your side was the underlying cause of you nearly killing yourself while trying to prove your worth to those wretched Xanthippes?”

“Oh God, he didn’t! My poor Nick!” The Master wailed and buried her face in her hands, then peeked at Mia fearfully through her fingers. “Did you try to convince him he was being absurd and he couldn’t have been further from the truth?”

“Maya, what on earth do you take me for?” Her sister demanded crossly, catching the rolling under-bed table with her foot and placing her palms down on it to keep it in place. “Of course, I did! The poor guy was ready to have a nervous breakdown when he found out what had happened to you. I told him the last thing we needed was him you joining him in here. I know misery loves company but that would have been ridiculous!”

“At least if he was in here with me, I’d finally get a chance to actually see him.”  Maya folded her arms across her chest and sulked. “Oh, don’t worry, I don’t mean it, of course, but Sis, this long-distance relationship thing we’ve been having…”

Her voice trailed off desolately.

“Phoenix told me you’ve only seen each other three times in the last 18 months, Maya.” Her sister regarded her sympathetically. “That must be so hard on you both.”

“It is! It completely sucks a big, fat bag of wiggling dicks,” the diviner lamented despairingly. “But I love him, Sis! And in my heart of hearts, I know, ultimately, Nick’s worth it.”

“I’m sure he is,” Mia drawled, trying to lighten the mood. She arched an eyebrow suggestively. “Jeez, only three times within a year and a half, eh? Nonetheless, you’ve managed to somehow make that tide you over and you’re willing to tough it out? Holy testicles and great balls of fire! He must be good!”

“Gahhhhh!” Maya shrieked in horror, grabbing the closest throwable object near her.

The brunette managed to dodge swiftly as the patient, with surprising newfound vigor, hurled a pillow in her direction. It sailed out the door, almost beaning Phoenix, who’d just been about to walk back into the room, right in the kisser! Luckily, he managed to duck slightly, so instead the pillow sailed harmlessly off the top of his head, slightly knocking his beanie askew. He clapped a hand on his head to secure the hat back in place while staring incredulously at the two guilty-looking sisters.

“Exactly what did I miss?” He asked warily. “You know, aside from finding out which one of you is trying out to be the new starting pitcher for the Los Angeles Angels baseball team?!”

“Oops!” Maya grinned sheepishly. “Sorry, Nick,”

“Well, speaking of grand slams and home runs, I’m still deciding whether I should be casting a stern look of disapproval and/or a high-five to the man who deflowered my baby sister?” Mia derided, smirking as her sibling’s lover turned so vermillion that she could have dabbed him with white paint and used him as a stop sign. “What say you, Mr. Love Machine?”

“Ummmm…urk! Phone – Maya – Edgeworth!” He spluttered, sweat-dropping profusely as he all but hurled his cell at his girlfriend. “You – talk – now! Me – bathroom – bye!”

With that, he bolted from the room, nearly leaving smoke trails in his wake.

“You’ll have to return back here at some point, Phoenix!” Mia called after him merrily. “You know you can’t hide in the john forever!”

“Hiya, Mr. Edgeworth.” Maya swallowed her giggles and shook her head at her sister before at last speaking into the phone. “How’s it going?”

“I am going to pretend that I didn’t hear a word of that conversation, Miss Fey. It. Did. Not. Happen.”

Edgeworth? Mia thought quickly. High Prosecutor, Miles Edgeworth! Perfect! He’s just what the doctor ordered!

“Hey, little sister,” she said sweetly before Maya could say another word. “When you’re done speaking to my favorite prosecutie, do allow me to have a word with him, will you please?”

“Sure…” Maya answered uncertainly. “But why? What’s up?”

“Oh, nothing much,” Mia flashed a mischievous smile. “I’ve just figured out how to slay that dragon of yours, that’s all!”

“Holy hellballs!” Maya’s eyes lit up. “You mean you’re going to try to fight fire with fire?”

“Nope!” Mia shook her head, a devilish glint in her eye now. “Instead, I’m going to extinguish that hydra’s flame entirely! But to do it, I’ll need to attack that Bête Noire with the one thing  it fears more than anything in the world…”

 Joe Cocker – With A Little Help From My Friends

Marvin Gaye – I Heard It Through The Grapevine