133 I’ll Run So Far Away

Several pivotal moments in your life will demand actions that defy logic, disrupt your plans, and appear irrational to others. During these instances, trust your instincts unequivocally. Disregard everything else – logic, odds, complications – and simply go for it.

Mildred Latrine
Kurain Village
April 13, 2026, 9:15 AM

“Wishing you and Mystic Pearl a splendid trip, Mystic Maya.” The harridan affixed her most virtuous beam as she loped alongside the Feys out the village entrance and towards their waiting taxi. “I hope you don’t get too badly baked from those heat rays in Australia. After all, in two months, you’re supposed to be a blushing bride, not a broiled one!”

“I appreciate the concern, Mystic Mildred, but rest assured, both Pearly and I shall be slathered with sunblock up the wazoo.” Maya smiled tightly as she stepped into the cab. “I trust that wedding provisions in both Kurain Village and Hazakura Temple are running smoothly?”

“Sister Bikini has been most helpful in assisting with all the preparations, wherever her poor, aching old back will allow!” Mildew clucked with an attempted show of sympathy. “Luckily, I’ve had the ever-willing Sister Iris and dear Harry Butz taking up the slack since the beginning of the year. He has been most, supererogatory; quite the eager beaver to go above and beyond the call of duty! Our resident squatter – er, extended guest – has dutifully been assisting the shrine maiden up in the mountains. He’s been quite the miracle worker with helping diffuse some of the cyclones of madness that have ensnared this village as your big day draws ever near!”

“Yes, Larry been most altruistic,” the Master agreed, wondering why she even bothered wasting her breath correcting the spiteful she-devil’s purposeful mispronunciation of her old friend’s moniker. “He’s even offered to do a bride and groom portrait of us and shall be our official sketch artist at the ceremony.”

The diviner saw no point in adding how the children’s illustrator had also very tearfully and repeatedly begged for Maya’s reassurance that she was absolutely, 1000% sure of the plunge she was about to take, every single week since becoming aware of her engagement! He had fully ceased expressing his dubiousness only two nights before when he’d mournfully informed the bride-to-be that regardless of what’d transpired with Phoenix, he loved them both equally. Then, as a gesture of his neutral position of friendship, Larry had humbly offered his complimentary wedding artist services, an unexpectedly benevolent offer that she’d emotionally and wholeheartedly accepted.

“The artist and the fair shrine maiden certainly have been spending a lot of time together,” Mildred remarked, her countenance one of virtuousness personified. “It would almost be a note of concern if one didn’t know better, and wasn’t already aware the good nun’s heart already lies with a certain ex-attorney! I do hope Mr. Wright isn’t at all the jealous sort –”

“No, he isn’t. At least, not that I was aware of,” Maya replied coldly, cutting her foe off in mid-sentence. She was desperately trying to control her mounting temper, as she knew exactly which direction this deliberately barbed conversation of Everybody Loves Iris was heading! “Nor am I privy to the relevance of how Phoenix Wright’s unquestioning, naïve nature, misplaced or not, is in any way related to my upcoming nuptials?”

“Then every lover should be so trusting! Especially with Mr. Wright living that long, two-hour trip away from Hazakura Temple in LA and consequently, is unable to visit his inamorata as often as I’m sure he would like!”

The hag’s beady eyes widened with feigned earnestness.

“Meanwhile, Mr. Butz lives just meters away from the temple in the cabins. With all due respect, one can’t help but wonder how Sister Iris’s beau truly feels about his current paramour being the sole recipient of another attentive young man’s undivided daily attentions, and in such constant propinquity, to boot! Who could blame a man if he began to worry that the good nun’s affections might potentially do a complete turnabout in said artist’s favor, consequently?”

Maya was beginning to see red from this whole virulent conversation, which was transparently intended to goad her.

Mildew is nowhere near as good an actress as she thinks! The psychic fumed inwardly. Her latent vituperative intentions aren’t at all masked by that faux-sweetness she’s injecting into her tone. Nor does it do anything to belie the sly, fire-breathing reptilian that she always has been and always will be, beneath the surface! She’s got some nerve, trying to get a rise out of me by bringing up the whole subject of Nick and Iris again with my wedding just around the corner – and to the man that she fixed me up with to top it all off!

Miraculously, the future Mrs. Beaugosse forced herself to conjure up a lighthearted twitter and focused on emulating the same mellifluous expression and intonation that the loathsome elder was exuding.

“It is most impressive, Mystic Mildred, how your talents are not only limited to being capable of lending a hand to myself, Pearl, and Sister Bikini as our ever-diligent assistant, what with running the village and cabins, and wedding organization!” Maya flashed her most dulcet smile at her adversary. “It also seems you’re capable of providing such astute insight about matters of the heart! May I be so bold as to inquire whether such perceptible wisdom was garnered through age – or actual first-hand experience? Or, perchance is it a delightful mixture of both?”

A barely stifled, most unladylike snort escaped from Pearl upon hearing the thinly veiled reminder of the geriatric spinster’s lifelong celibate status, which she quickly attempted to disguise as a cough. Biting back a smirk, the teen then turned her head away to idly glance out the taxi window to escape the withering glare the impromptu outburst earned her from the Dragon Lady.

For once, it seemed Maya had gotten the upper hand, as it was obvious that for once, the female reptilian had no idea how to respond to the daggered inquiry, as her area of expertise was limited to knowing how to dish it out, but not how to take it!

Gritting her teeth, the crone somehow managed to maintain her placid outward comportment, even though she was fuming at having been momentarily bested by this sassy, insolent whelp! The time had come to change the subject.

“Rest assured, I will be making sure Eagle Mountain and all the surrounding areas of Kurain will be fit for royalty by the time your blessed happy day comes around!” She cooed. “Don’t you fret about a thing –  just leave everything to me! As always, I’ll ensure your beloved village keeps from burning to the ground in your absence, Mystic Maya!”

Such a fine choice statement indeed, coming from the Dragon Lady herself! From causing fires to now thwarting them… funny how the fire-breathing She-Thing has transformed into the blaze preventing, Smokey the Bear! Maya thought sourly, even as her phony smile at the hated woman only widened. It’s like leaving a fox to guard the henhouse! If she truly wants to prevent any flame or smoke from being left in her wake, she should be giving serious thought to jamming a fire extinguisher up her ziggy rather than the Wawa brush Pearly volunteered to shove up there six years ago!

“Hee!”

As though reading her kinswoman’s mind, a loud (albeit this time, snort-free!) giggle once again emitted from the teenage girl, this time at the village elder’s ironically chosen words of reassurance. Immediately, Pearl clapped a hand over her mouth as Maya shot her a look of parental disapproval, even though her own eyes were twinkling with barely suppressed mirth at the telepathically exchanged inside joke.

Sensing she was once again the cause of unspoken ridicule, although this time uncertain as to exactly what had triggered it, Mildred’s plastered grin also grew in size until she felt her cheeks beginning to ache from the strain.

“Well then, I shan’t keep you another moment, lest you miss your plane! Have a safe trip to the Land Down Under, ladies!”

The Village Elder continued waving until the taxi had finally driven and was long out of sight before she allowed her facial muscles to relax into their customary haughty grimace.

“My list of talents also entails organizing memorials where there is no actual body present, in the hopeful event that a rabid dingo rips both of your cackling, bony asses into shreds!” She muttered darkly. “Even a venomous snake bite would suffice!”

Becoming dinner to Jaws or a ravenous, wild canine! If only I could be so lucky! Mildred scowled. Having Maya Fey perish via the jaws of a Great White shark or falling victim to one of the other countless deadly, poisonous species residing in Australia would certainly solve the unmitigated impending disaster looming ahead, due to this accursed event I somehow orchestrated!

Flashback
One Year Ago…

Mildred Latrine and Mystic Matilda
Kurain Village

“Just what are you trying to imply, Mystic Matilda?” Mildred demanded tersely.

“I wasn’t implying anything!” Matilda snapped. “I’m flat out saying it! There is no way Mystic Maya will ever agree to this sham of a marriage to that dandy man! Surely, you’re putting me on here – you absolutely cannot be this daft or blind! If you allow this to happen, Kurain will yet again be the laughingstock of the world! We both know that Longines Beaugosse is queerer than a three-dollar bill!”  

“Longines is not gay!” Mildred denied hotly, feeling her crinkled cheeks burn with embarrassment and anger. “He’s just … French!”

Matilda just eyed her dubiously.

“He works in the hair industry, so he’s just colorful, that’s all!” Mildred continued, warming to her defense argument and beginning to believe her own words now.  “You know how that metrosexual craze has allowed men to be more effeminate nowadays! How else can you explain the male makeup and murses?”

This only got her a blank stare from her rival.

“Murses! You know, those bags – those man purses they now make for men?”

“Is that how you plan to explain the fact that Mr. Beaugosse was sporting both of those things tonight?” Matilda arched a derisive eyebrow. “That coxcomb had even longer lashes than I do!”

“I refuse to partake in this slander another moment!” Mildred declared, assuming her most sanctimonious inflection. “I choose to trust the belief of our esteemed, world-famous, professional matchmaker that this would not only be a suitable fit for our Master but also a fruitful asset for Kurain!”

“You cannot sacrifice Mystic Maya into a loveless marriage where forces of nature dictate she can never be fully compatible with the mate she’s been offered, merely for the betterment of our village!” Matilda exclaimed with dismayed incredulity.  “That just isn’t right!”

End Flashback

Mildred Latrine
Kurain Village
April 13, 2026

Curse you, Matilda! How I hate when that blasted, sanctimonious, self-righteous prig proves me wrong! Why is she always right?! For the love of Mystic Ami, I’m supposed to be the older and wiser one!

Yzma incarnate was officially panicking now as she thought about how her rival and sole opposition on the Elder Council would undoubtedly gloat about her downfall regarding this entire ordeal – right after Maya kicked Mildred out on her penniless keister! Or possibly before. She wasn’t even sure which would be worse on the humiliation scale!

Did you hear that, Dr. Frankenstein? She lamented dourly. You’re not the only one who created a monster! Like a ticking time bomb about to detonate at any given moment, these heirless nuptials are going to result in nothing but calamity when Longines Beaugosse’s expediently fabulous self escapes from that closet! Not even coming out as much expeditiously and gloriously riding out – and on a sparkly Barbie-pink Harley Davidson motorcycle with rainbow tassels, with his enamored pouf assistant seated in the sidecar!

The village elder groaned and buried her head in her hands.

Assuming Maya and Longines don’t proceed to tie the knot around each other’s throats post-ceremony, there will undoubtedly be a non-contested motion for this marriage to be swiftly dissolved right after their honeymoon!

It was all an inevitable, colossal, Hindenburg-level disaster just waiting to implode! And just what had Mildred ever done to deserve this?

This union will undoubtedly be annulled in the best-case scenario, or end in the world’s most bitter and public divorce in history, due to the obligatory heir never being produced since the union never would have been consummated! Moreover, this will all be due to the increasingly effeminate and flamboyant by-the-day, still-closeted bridegroom, who is blatantly gayer than Richard Simmons singing a duet with Elton John in a Bath House! Gah!

All she’d ever wanted was what was best for Kurain, and it was now all about to blow up right in her face!

The entire Council will not only blame me for the whole sordid debacle which will, yet again, make our village a global laughingstock, but the Master will undoubtedly demand my head on a platter! I’ve got to get the hell out of here! My days in Kurain are dangerously numbered!

The getaway countdown had begun. California was right next to the Mexican border. The elder had already been secretly practicing her Spanish. Having Maya install cable TV all those years ago had been worthwhile after all.

However, Mildred had quickly learned that the phrases being screamed by the writhing and flailing Spanish actresses on the risqué Latin soap operas, while heaving their butts up and down in the air, wouldn’t be of much use!

“¡Vamonos! ¡Vamonos! Rapido! Rapido! Culo! Culo!”

Obviously, making a living as a Latina porn star would not be a viable moneymaking option for her!

“¿Qué pasa, buen señor ?” She ventured aloud. “I am el fugitivo !”

To leave, I need money – and lots of it! But how?! The Master despises me as much as I do her, so there’s no way in hell I could resume my former privileges of skimming inconspicuous dollars from surplus proceeds now, what with that wretched Fey bitch cutting off all my access to the village accounts! Even worse, she put that henwit, Sister Bikini, in charge of all the cabin books when she threw me out of my comfy village cabin, forcing me to reside in that unfit-for-human life hell shack that is incongruously called Heavenly Hall!

The irony that Mildred Latrine, more than anything in the world, now wished to halt the very marriage she had orchestrated and manipulated into fruition was a fact that had not escaped her.

However, from her experience, she knew calling the future groom and appealing to his better judgment would be a complete exercise in futility!

Ever since her appalled orbs had noted that Longines’ Rapunzel-style, flaxen locks were no longer hair extensions but the length of his actual hair now, Mildred had desperately been trying to reach out to the jet-setting billionaire. By this point, pride be damned, she most certainly would not be above flat-out throwing herself at the Philanthropist’s mercy in a last-ditch effort to save her heinie from the inevitable fire pit that awaited her.

Alas, it was all for naught. Trying to get a hold of Longines was like reaching for the moon! Every time her frantic phone calls had been answered by his cream-puff watchdog assistant, Jean Armstrong, who seemed to take utmost pleasure in loftily reminding Mildred that as a future benedict, his globetrotting employer was busier than a squirrel in a nut factory!

Desperately, the old woman had left copious urgent and frantic messages with the phony Frenchman, and on Longines’ cell, but to no avail. None of her calls had been returned in the last six months, and each time she’d spotted the billionaire during his Kurain visits, he had been all aflutter and caught up in the whirlwind of wedding excitement, too giddily excited to give her more than a breezy apology for not getting back to her, and always promising that he would “catch up with her later.”

He also, to her great irritation, forever had Armstrong proverbially glued up his rear end – balls to taint! Therefore, between the Pink Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and Maya always flacked at his side, being able to speak to him privately proved downright impossible!

The elder had no inkling what could have possibly possessed the Fey heiress to concede to this palpable sham of a marriage – while the detestable Master was many things, surely blind wasn’t one of them?!

Is it possible Maya is so blindingly besotted with Longines’ pretty boy looks and affability that she truly can’t see the obvious? Mildred wondered. And is it feasible he’s so deeply confined within the that he fancies himself in love with her?! Is there a possibility they are somehow completely clueless to the fact that the bride, as well as her betrothed, both prefer men?!

She’d had the Gay or European battle with herself so many countless times that by now her head was positively spinning! As much as Mildred detested being wrong about anything, she also knew when to finally admit to her follies – at least to herself! Although she’d argued with Matilda how the blond’s ostentation and epicene disposition were simply attributed to the flamboyancy of his occupational field, (at the time desperately hoping that there had been some validity to her claim), it was now time to admit she’d been fighting a losing battle.

The final vain hope of Longines being at least somewhat interested in the fairer sex, however, had withered and died the moment she had gotten wind of the fact that the groom-to-be was not only planning on wearing a lavender silk tuxedo but also flying in world-famous, celebrity makeup artist Bobbi Brown for the nuptials – not to work on only the bride … but himself as well!

That had been the straw that broke the camel’s back. It was when Mildred acquiesced, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that her goose was cooked! It was time to get the hell out of Dodge if she wished to escape the glittery debris of the gynandrous explosion!

As she made her way back towards the cabins, the wheels in her brain frantically churned while she tried to formulate some sort of viable action plan.

Steeling her jaw with grim determination, she made her way to the main lodge, and, quickly noting Sister Bikini’s absence, decided to try to call Longines’ cell phone for the umpteenth time. To her surprise, instead of getting the blond man’s voicemail as she had expected, it was Armstrong who picked up the phone.

“Z’is iz Douce-Amère, how may I tease zee sweet taste buds of yours?”

“It’s a pleasure to speak to you again, Jean.” Mildred cringed at the completely inappropriate greeting but forced herself to sound as congenial as possible. “Did I dial the wrong number? I had thought this cell belonged to Longines.”

“Monsieur Beaugosse has left me in charge of his phone, as well as tending to his business affairs, while he goes to his tuxedo fitting and tends to some other matters, and zee busy bee doesn’t wish to be interrupted.” The normally cheery man sounded distracted but firm as he made this blatant point to the persistent woman. “C’est truly a vision to behold – a fantabulous Coco Bruce original design! I am currently trying to juggle many things at my restaurant while tending to my assistant duties, so I’m afraid I cannot chat for long. ‘ow can I help you?”

“Well, I was hoping…”

Suddenly another phone line rang in the background.

“Ooh, that’s Longines right now!” His voice suddenly brightened as though by magic. “Un moment s’il vous plait!”

Mildred could hear Armstrong prattling in the background.

“How many times do I have to tell you, Longines? I don’t care how busy you are! With the wedding being this close, you cannot cancel the aerial fitness session that is your AntiGravity Yoga Class!” He scolded into the phone. “Not if you want to get down one more dress size and fit that bonne derriere of yours into your tuxedo! As pour moi, I’m too swamped with trying to figure out the best dishes to prepare for your upcoming celebration feast to be able to join you this time…. Much to my great chagrin!”

Feed me garlic and call me stinky! Mildred raised her pencil-thin eyebrows upon hearing the other man speak in normal sentences and without the ridiculously overplayed and badly butchered French accentuation. That accent of his really comes and goes at will, doesn’t it?

“Oui, oui, I know I’m your best man, and I agree, I should be bending over backward for you, but c’est impossible this time! Trust me, mon beau ami, fewer things in life would bring me greater joy than being witness to the poetry-in-motion vision of you suspending yourself in a variety of gravity-defying poses mid-air, using nothing but your own strength and a long, hanging fabric!”

Armstrong expelled a forlorn sigh.

“However, you also wanted me to cater the food for the wedding. Alors, unless you found a way to clone me to be in two places at once, I am unfortunately indisposed and stuck here at the restaurant like a lonely girl! My new sous chef is in the process of quitting even as we speak. Humph! Such an ungrateful swine, that Pierre…”

“I told you, for the gazillionth time, my name is Peter!” An angry male voice shouted in the background. “Stop trying to make everything French, you wannabe Parisian, phony…cream-filled éclair!”

“How could you do this to me after all we’ve been through!” Armstrong wailed, too distraught to even bother putting the fake accent back on. “How could you just leave me the way?!”

“I just got hired yesterday!” Peter snapped. “And I’m already sick of you constantly eye-banging my ass! I don’t care if it is aptly displayed in these disgusting booty shorts you forced me to wear!”

Mildred couldn’t help but wince as she heard the door heavily slamming in the background.

“And another one bites the dust!” Armstrong sulkily reported to Longines. “I may not be able to handle the contumacious help of mine, but I can crack my whip with you, Monsieur Bridegroom! You will go to that yoga class! No excuses! And I don’t want to have to remind you again to make sure you ingest your two glasses of alkalized water with apple cider vinegar! A groom must be detoxed and svelte for his big day!”

He listened to whatever Longines said in response, then continued his drill sergeant mode.

“As soon as you’re done with the yoga, I want you to promise you’ll let me know your whereabouts in LA so I can have Lance Francis hand-deliver your post-workout breakfast. No, I’m not going to change it up! It’s going to be the same smoothie of blended alkalized water, activated almonds, maca, blueberries, stevia, coconut kefir, and two organic, range-free, hardboiled eggs! You can indulge and let yourself go after you’re a married man! Alright, talk to you soon. Toodles!”

The chef sounded chipper but still distracted as he picked up the phone again to speak to Mildred, who had a crafty, Grinch-worthy grin on her face as she realized that she had been going about things all wrong! The unwitting eavesdropping on this last very telling conversation had given her quite an idea.

A wonderful, awful idea…

Flock Of Seagulls – I Ran So Far Away