15 The Baron Of Bluffing

Another dark night, in the city
And my prospects lookin’ thin
The survival, of the fittest
Is the law, in the world that I live in

I was not born, to be a fighter
But now’s the time I have to learn
To keep my head, above the water
Gotta play with fire, but not get burned

I gotta stand up, I gotta face it
Don’t want to lose it
I want to taste it while it’s hot
Don’t want to waste it, I need it so bad

I’m gonna win, yeah
I’m gonna win
You see it’s a matter of pride
Deep down inside
I’m gonna win, yeah
I’m gonna win

I got no time, to sit and wonder
I got myself, to reckon with
Yeah and life won’t drag me under
Even if it takes, all I have to give
I’ll give it all

I gotta stand up, I gotta face it
Don’t want to lose it
Ooh I want to taste it while it’s hot
Don’t want to waste it, my mind’s made up

I’m gonna win
I’m gonna win
I tell you, see when it comes down to the crunch
I’ve gotta beat life to the punch
I’m gonna win
Somehow I know I’m gonna win
You know
I’ve got to fight to stay alive
Kick it in to overdrive
I’m gonna win, ooh, ooh, ooh
I’m gonna win

I’m gonna win
I’m gonna win
You see it’s a matter of pride
Deep down inside
I’m gonna win
Gonna win, gonna win
Ooh, I’ll pay the price
Gonna win
No more Mr. Nice
Gonna win
Hey, just watch me roll the dice
I’m gonna win, win, win
I’m gonna win, win, gonna win
I’m gonna win
I know I’m gonna win

Phoenix Wright
The Borscht Bowl Club
May 12, 2019, 9:15 PM

Despite the fury behind it, Phoenix barely resisted a chuckle at the expletive. In his life, he’d been called much worse – including by his girlfriend during one of her fierier moments in this very bar! Therefore, he’s gotten accustomed to knowing he tended to inspire rage from females within his life; it seemed to be his destiny, and he’d accepted it as such.

Regardless of the animated delivery of the insult, however, there was nothing comical about the enraged look on Tiffany’s face at that moment. He’d never seen her so incensed, not even when she’d overheard some of the wince-worthy insults Maya had been spewing behind her back. Had the blonde been a cartoon character, there would literally have been visible steam coming out of her ears.

There was no available drink or any other reachable physical object for her to strike or fling at him, although he wasn’t about to rule out her flipping the piano bench at him in her current state!  And luckily, the waitress had left her drinks tray back at the bar with Tyler, who was looking at him with helpless sympathy from the bar even as he shook his head and put his palms up in the air in the “I don’t know what to do here!” fashion.

So much for any desperately needed intervention from that department!

Not that he could blame his friend. Had the roles been reversed and Tyler been the subject of wrath, the pianist wasn’t sure he’d have touched the situation with an 80-foot pole!

Phoenix also knew he was due for some additional, creative form of impending violence to immediately accompany that outburst, however, unless he acted fast.

“Heh, heh.  Couldn’t fool you, could I?” He attempted to joke feebly, while wisely taking a step backward, not even attempting discretion in his actions this time. “Silly me, should have known better than to try to pull a fast one on you of all people, Tiffany!”

“You lying, sneaky turd-blender!” Tiffany hollered; her hands clenched into fists. “Gimme one dang good reason I shouldn’t tan yer hide for making a fool outta me on two blasted occasions now!”

“Objection!” He interjected weakly. “I never lied to you, Tiffany. You never did ask my name! So, er, technically, I didn’t provide a false identity to you at all.”

“Ya dang tootin’ know I ain’t as mad as a mule chewin’ on bumblebees just because yer posin’ as some imposter playin’ a lousy piano in my workplace, ya yellow-bellied scoundrel!” Tiffany’s mien was red from yelling. “Although I’d reckon subjectin’ me to that godforsaken noise woulda been reason enough! You better give your heart to Jesus, ’cause your butt is mine!”

“F – first night jitters…”

“Don’t ya dare make like ya haven’t got the sense God gave a goose with me, Phoenix Wright!” Tiffany hollered. “We both know that I am fit to be tied cuz you were frontin’ like you had a hankerin’ for me and were stringin’ me along when ya had a gal pal the whole time! Yer nuttin’ more than a wretched, lecherous, two-faced dawg! I’ll knock ya so hard ya’ll see tomorrow today!”

OK, so he hadn’t been paranoid with his feelings of dread about their confrontation in the event their paths had crossed again! Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned indeed!

The worst part was, her four-color, full-stereo level of histrionics aside, the waitress was right to be upset. Maya had behaved in an irredeemably horrific manner that night, while he had only added fuel to the fire, and done nothing to diffuse the situation. If anything, he’d made it worse. The woman was surely owed an apology for unwittingly becoming part of their insane triangle that evening. It never would have existed in the first place, had he and his girlfriend both not been such blind, stubborn, and yes, cowardly morons that night!

“Tiffany, you have every reason to despise me. Please forgive me for hurting you.”

“Yer lower than a snake’s belly in a wagon rut! Why I oughta kick yer keister from here to San Francisco! Wait just a cotton pickin’ minute – what did you just say?”

“You’re right to hate me.” Phoenix bravely took a tentative step forward and bowed his head in shame. “I deserve anything you have to dish out and more. However unintentionally, I did end up leading you on. It was wrong of me, and I sincerely apologize.”

Tiffany looked taken aback by his unexpected shift in demeanor. Clearly, she’d been expecting more defensive actions and stammering excuses, not his willing apology.

“W –What this here now?” It was her turn to stammer.

“I’m truly sorry, Tiffany,” he stated plaintively, raising his head so she could see the veracity in his eyes. “No matter what you justifiably may think of me, believe me when I say that I am only guilty of being a daft prick. But never a purposely dishonest one. I’m not a dog or a two-timer of any sort. This is why, although I admit I enjoyed your attention, I never let it go further than what I hoped was mere friendly flirtation.”

“But why couldn’t ya lemme know I was wastin’ my time?” The fire had left the waitress completely, and the hostility on her visage had abated. She’d exchanged her clenched fists for crossed arms over her chest now as she eyed him sulkily. “Why didn’t ya tell me you had a girlfriend before ya let me look like such a dang fool?”

“I swear to you, I didn’t lie about that! When we first met, when I came here as your customer, you asked if I was single, and I was telling the truth when I said that yes, I was. However,  I should have told you about Maya right out of the gate,” Phoenix admitted guiltily. “I may not have theoretically been taken at the but emotionally, I’d been off the market for four years.”

I was just too much a lame-ass wuss to see it even though everyone else could! And I was also too stupid and blind to do anything about it until then that same night!

“I had no way of knowin,” Tiffany sighed. She met his gaze levelly. “So, lemme get this here straight … ya’ll two really weren’t an item until that night of her birthday party here at the pub?”

“Nope.”

“Well don’t that beat all!” The bombshell murmured, almost to herself. “At least I wasn’t some total hussy tryin’ to land another gal’s fella…”

“Nope.”

“But ya always loved her all along … ya just never had the cojones to tell her until then?”

“Yup.”

I loved her then, and love her still. Always have, and always will.

“And she was acting all catty and jealous and was ready to claw my eyes out that night because she was so madly in love with yew?”

“Yup.”  

Something I also didn’t know till that night. How was I supposed to realize Maya ever saw me that way when she always acted as if she saw me as nothing more than a stodgy old fart?! I mean, come on! She literally used to call me “Old Man!”

“So, I reckon y’all two are happily together now?”

“Um…” Phoenix paused in his steady stream of monosyllabic replies and blushed. “I don’t know exactly…”

“Jeez, Louise!” The Southern Belle gawked at him in disbelief. “Seems like ya don’t know shit from Shinola about anythin’, buster! Whaddya mean ya don’t know?”

“Er, it’s sorta complicated …” He grinned sheepishly and adjusted his beanie back into place, tucking the spikes back into place. “Funny story, really…”

“This is real life, Phoenix, not a Facebook status!” She exclaimed in exasperation. “Why ya gotta go and make things so dang complex?”

“Right. So then, in simplest terms then, technically, yes. Maya is still my girlfriend…”  

The love of my life promised me she’d wait for me. I don’t know if it’s wrong of me to hope and pray I can hold her to that. But I do know that there will never be anyone for me but my Burger Queen. She’s taken my heart forever.

“…and there will never be anyone else for me but Maya.”

“She’s a lucky gal.” The server gave him a wistful smile. “The good ones are always taken, it seems. Yer a fine fella, Phoenix Wright.”

“I’m the lucky one,” He insisted, shaking off the compliment. “But that aside, are we good, Tiffany? You think you can forgive me for being a clueless, bumbling clod, yet one who ultimately meant you no harm?”

“I don’t get much choice now, do I, my fellow colleague?” She flashed her megawatt grin. “Better to live in peace than in a war zone. It’s just as well ya didn’t link up with me, anyway, since yer workin’ here now. Never piss in your own backyard, Mama always said.”

“Thank you, Tiffany. I do hope we can be friends.” The pianist returned her smile with a sincere one of his own. Glancing up, he saw Boris and Natasha standing by the bar area, and the short man was staring at him while pointedly tapping his watch. “But I honestly do have to get going now. The owners are waiting for me.”

“I gotcha. Duty calls. I need to get back to work too.” Tiffany gave him a friendly wink then wriggled her fingers at him as she sashayed off. “See ya around, cutie.”

In spite of himself, Phoenix couldn’t help but notice the provocative sway of the waitress’s shapely hips as she sashayed away, along with just how well she filled out the back of those black-fitted booty shorts. Daisy Duke would have been proud, indeed!

Would anyone ever believe I actually turned that down? He ruefully shook his head as he headed over to his bosses. Maya Fey, I must really and truly love you!

Boris was wearing what appeared to be his customary scowl when the new hire approached them, while Natasha at least was in her typical stony-faced hauteur when she saw him.

“Come with us,” she said succinctly, nodding at Tyler as she walked past him and towards an exit just behind the bar area.

The hobo flashed the bartender a quick smile, relieved that his odious keyboarding hadn’t resulted in the young man losing his job, as he followed his bosses out an exit just behind the bar.

They headed down the hall to a dimly lit stairwell, which led them downstairs to presumably the basement. They stepped inside the place, which, if possible, was even chillier than the tavern.

Phoenix was grateful for the warmth of his tracksuit, although he could already feel the numbness settling into his bare sandaled feet.

Boris walked over to a corner of the room and flicked on the lights, exposing a small cellar-style room, with a small piano in the corner, less luxe than the baby grand upstairs, as well as a small round table, flanked by two gold, red cushioned chairs. An unlit fireplace was on one wall, which had small matryoshka dolls on the mantle, as well as some cheap artwork. Two dimly lit torch-style wall lamps were the only other lighting in the room, which looked straight like the bad guy’s underground secret hideout in every Hollywood movie ever made.

The pianist was puzzled, even as he obediently took a seat at the table across from Boris as Natasha had indicated him to do.

“What is all this?” He asked them, watching as the woman expertly cut and began dealing a deck of cards to the men. “What is this place?”

“Welcome to the Hydeout, Phoenix,” Natasha intoned smoothly as she finished dealing the last of the cards to them.

“We thinkink you need gettink new job,” the Russian man smirked, sliding his cards towards himself.

“New job?” He echoed blankly, wondering if the sub-Arctic temperature was beginning to affect his brain. “Does this mean you’re firing me from playing the piano upstairs in the bar?”

“You thinkink we be keepink you?” Boris scoffed. “How you Americans say? You suckink as pianist.”

“Dahlink, sharrup your mouth!” Natasha’s tone was poisonously sweet, even though the smile she flashed at her employee was best described as calculating. “We no hire you for your music skills, Phoenix. We have seeink all we need to see tonight. Ah, perhaps pianist is not where your true talents lie, da?”

“You mean you’re firing me?”

The hobo felt a cold sweat breaking across his brow, despite the cold of the room.

“Please don’t fire me! Give me another chance! I will go home tonight and practice my tail off to create original, non-Disney music for tomorrow night!” He emphasized, looking beseechingly at the couple. “I can’t lose this job. I have a little girl at home, and I need to support her…”

“Zatknis!” The Russian man snapped, miming the zipper across the mouth motion with his heavily jeweled hand. “As you Americans like sayink – zip your lip, durak!”

He then caught his wife’s icy glare and shriveled down a bit in his seat.

“Sorry, Kotik, he talkink too much!” He protested weakly.

“You sharrup your mouth, Dahlink,” Natasha commanded, frowning darkly at her husband. “Just sit while I do talkink.”

She turned back to the spiky-haired man and spoke in a kinder tone.

“We not fire you from our bar, Phoenix. We like to be keepink you. That’s why we bringink you here. You play poker?”

“A – A bit…” He stuttered, his mind flashing back to the last time he’d played a winning hand of poker with a man, a fateful game which, despite winning, had ultimately cost him his job and everything he’d lived for. “I don’t know how good I am though…”

“You were famous, brilliant defense attorney, no?” She raised a pencil-thin eyebrow. “We hearink all about your big-winning streak in court. You were the Baron of Bluffing, da?”

“Y-yes, b –but –”

“No buttsky. This be your official job interview, Phoenix Wright.” Boris gave a humorless leer. “You beatink me at poker, you keep job, and this room beink your new ‘office’. You lose, and we say bye-bye. We have deal?”

How has life come to this? The former defense lawyer thought frantically. All those years in law school, at being a champion of justice for the underdog … completely vanquished.  Now his life consisted of having choices and making decisions that were going to be left to a game of chance.  Of luck? Moreover, his current future seemed to rest, yet again, on a mere deck of cards!

He’d truly become fortune’s fool – in every sense of the words!

But Natasha had been right about one thing. He had been the Baron of Bluffing. It had partially been why he had been a successful defense attorney and what had won him his last game. He’d done it before, and he’d do it again.

Move it or lose it, lose it and you’ll learn from it, but never give up.

Phoenix was steely-eyed with determination as he coolly met Boris’ gaze across the table.

“Let’s dance.”

Foreigner – I’m Gonna Win