42 Pardon My Sobbing

“Being a single parent is twice the work, twice the stress, and twice the tears, but also twice the love, twice the tears, and twice the pride.”

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Phoenix Wright
Wright Talent Agency
September 2, 2023, 2:30 AM

He never saw it coming.

It was just a movie.

Phoenix was completely unprepared for the repercussions of The Pursuit of Happyness from both Pearl, now 13, and 12-year-old Trucy that afternoon before he headed out to work that evening.

The Will Smith drama was one he thoroughly enjoyed, and so he’d ordered it on Netflix for his daughter and her “cousin.” The online monthly subscription to unlimited movies and TV shows was such a great concept his little girl had introduced him to! He’d figured he would just rent the DVD from the video rental place…until Trucy had reminded her not-so-tech-savvy father that those places didn’t exist anymore!

Pearl was staying over that weekend, which she tended to do once or twice a month when Maya was away, in this case at a weekend conference somewhere in the remote deserts of New Mexico, where she’d warned him had weak cell and internet reception. At first, she’d been fretful about her ward being in his care at a time when she would most likely be completely indisposed, but he’d assured his girlfriend that all would be fine.

After all, Pearl had stayed over many times since she and Trucy had met, and both girls were now old enough to stay alone without needing a babysitter – although Maya’s cousin often made a point to still drop in on her aunt and uncle whenever she was down in the city, so he knew if anything were to go awry while he was at work, the Gumshoes lived nearby and would be there at a moment’s notice if needed.

Besides, his daughter was supposed to work at The Wonder Bar that evening, so he figured that by the time he got home from work that night, either both girls would have gone home with the Gumshoes, who rarely missed a show and stayed over there for the night and would be back the next morning, or would be in bed since he often got back at nearly three in the morning.

That night, Phoenix got in a bit earlier, about half-past two, as he’d gotten a ride home from Tyler. The bartender had asked if he could run in and use the bathroom, as well as say a quick hello to Pearl, whom he’d not seen in ages, on the off-chance she was still awake.

“I haven’t seen Pearl in ages,” Tyler was saying as they walked down the hall to Phoenix’s place. “Tell her to stop in on Sasha and the twins the next time she’s down, they’d love to see her! Trucy too. We love those girls – they’re so sweet!”

“Yup, they’re great,” Phoenix agreed, putting his key into the lock. “Delightfully low-maintenance too, the both of them. I sure got lucky there! But we should keep it down…since Gumshoe didn’t message me that they’re staying at his place tonight, they’re both here, but may already be in bed.”

“No problem,” his friend whispered as Phoenix quietly opened the door and flicked on the light.

Both men were completely unprepared for the astounding sight that greeted them.

Empty bowls of what looked like melted ice cream were laid on the floor, along with several empty bags of potato chips, soda cans … and crumpled tissues.

In the sitting area of the office, instead of being in bed, both Trucy and Pearl were wide awake and sitting on the sofa in the office, in front of the small television set, legs stretched out onto the couch while sitting at opposite ends, with a blanket over both of their legs, and tissues clenched in each of their hands as they sobbed relentlessly at whatever was on the screen.

“What in the world?” Tyler gasped.

“Trucy, Pearls, are you alright?” The hobo was alarmed.

Neither girl appeared to have taken notice of their presence just yet, they didn’t pry their eyes off the television. Phoenix stared at them, completely flummoxed.

I rented them The Pursuit of Happyness, he thought wildly, staring helplessly at the two overwrought girls. Did I screw up and accidentally order Bambi, by mistake?

That had to be the only explanation for both Pearl and Trucy’s currently wailing disposition, in such a demonstrative, emotional fashion that it would have put even Larry Butz to shame!

I don’t get it. OK, fine, it is kind of a sad movie, somewhat… but it still had a great ending! What gives?

“It’s so heart-breaking, Pearly!” Trucy cried, the tears pouring down her cheeks in a never-ending stream. “That poor little boy and his daddy have no home!”

“They’re s-sleeping in a b-bathroom!” Pearl wept, dabbing at her eyes with her soggy tissue. “It’s so unfair!”

Phoenix looked back at Tyler, who was still standing behind him, speechless, his dark eyes wide with panic, before turning back to the two girls, at last finding his voice again.

“Um, Truce? Pearls? Are you guys alright?” He asked awkwardly. “Is everything OK?”

Both girls lifted their gazes from the movie and he found himself affixed by two sets of red-rimmed eyes.

“Mr. Nick, why didn’t you tell us this movie was so sad!” Pearl demanded, trying to contain her sobs, her gray eyes looking at him accusingly. “How could you be so insensitive?”

Phoenix was flummoxed.

“I, um…er…”

Pearl, at last, took note of the young man now cowering behind Phoenix – a neat trick to achieve, as the bartender towered over him by about a goof half-foot. The bartender desperately looked like he wished he could disappear.

“Oh, hi, Mr. Tyler. I didn’t see you there at first.”

“Hi Pearl,” Tyler waved from behind the spiky-haired man’s back with a weak smile. “Hiya, Trucy.”

“Hi, Tyler.” Trucy sniffled, dabbing at her eyes. “Pearly’s right though, Daddy! Why would you get us such a depressing movie and not even warn us?”

“Yeah!” Pearl added, as indignantly as one possibly could muster while loudly blowing her nose to the tune of a one-note, honking trumpet. “That’s mean, Mr. Nick!”

“I – I… Aye Yai Yai…” Phoenix was at a complete loss for words. “Um…sorry?”

“Oh, Daddy!” Trucy whimpered suddenly, lurching off the couch and hurling herself at her father then, burying her head into his side and wrapping her arms around his waist. “That poor man in the movie is a single Papa, just like you! He sacrificed so much for his son, just like you have for me!|”

Her tiny body shook with sobs.

“And I feel so bad! At least he had a wife, in the beginning! But you – you’ve never even gotten married or had your own family, and it’s all because of me! It’s all my fault! I ruined your life! I – I’m so sorry!”

Phoenix looked helplessly down at the shaking mess that was his daughter, trying to speak soothingly and smooth her hair, when suddenly Pearl jumped up and buried her head against his other side.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you, Mr. Nick!” She wept, throwing her arms around him as well. “You’re not mean! Y- You’re wonderful! You’re the only father I’ve ever really known!”

“I love you, Daddy!” Trucy wept.

“I love you too, Mr. Nick!”

“Pearls…Trucy…I…” the card shark shot a frantic glance at the bartender, who had stealthily been inching away and backing up toward the door this whole time. “Hey, where are you going? I thought you needed to use the bathroom!”

“Um, I’ve decided I don’t need to go that badly…” his friend mumbled, pointedly ignoring the pleading expression in the hobo’s eyes. “And by the way, I have a wife and two toddler daughters at home, so I will have my due time to be exactly where you are right now … in about a decade! So, for this reason alone, I have no qualms whatsoever about saying … goodnight, bud! And good luck! You’re going to need it! See ya at work tomorrow!”

With that, the young father bolted from the office, not even pausing to shut the door behind him, leaving a hapless Phoenix standing there, alone, alarmed, and defenselessly sandwiched between two inexplicably hysterical adolescent girls, who had gone from being mad at him to loving him … all within two minutes!

He silently cursed and envied his friend for his easy, hasty exit.

Tyler you bum! You suck! A real friend woulda stuck around …or at least offered to take me with him!

The pianist had never felt more powerless …or confused in his entire life. Worst of all, he had no inkling about what could have possibly caused this insane situation, or how to handle it. Of all the blasted times for Maya to be unreachable! What in Sam Hill was he going to do now?!

He awkwardly patted both girls on their heads and stifled a sigh of resignation.

It was going to be a long night.

Phoenix Wright and Larry Butz
Wright Talent Agency
September 2, 2023, 11:30 AM

“Pearls? Truce?” Phoenix called, setting the bags of groceries on the kitchen counter. “I’m back from the store!”

No answer.

“Baby girl, I got that Ben & Jerry’s you wanted!”

He busied himself putting away the smorgasbord of food his daughter and Pearl had requested from the store – various and copious amounts of chocolate bars, brownies, ramen noodles, more potato chips, and more soda. He thought he’d bought enough treats and munchies for the three of them to at least last the whole weekend, but it appeared a tapeworm had overcome both girls the night before. They had somehow gone through everything in the place!

Thundering tintypes of Teddy Roosevelt in a three-wheeled baby carriage with a bonus jar of mustache wax! Old Mother Hubbard had probably a less barren cupboard!

Also, he’d needed to buy several more boxes of tissues. By the time he’d comforted and quieted down the two adolescents and sent them to bed, it had been nearly four in the morning, and there hadn’t been a single-ply left in the place.

“You got my ice cream, Daddy?” Trucy plodded into the room, still in her pajamas, looking like something the cat had dragged in. “Thanks so much. Pearly and I are absolutely starved!”

Phoenix gawked incredulously at the bottomless pit that used to be his daughter for a full half-minute.

Hgnnfff! How can they possibly be hungry when they ate an entire convenience store’s worth of junk not even eight hours ago?! I just can’t fathom how in the name of Richard the Lionheart’s codpiece two such tiny girls could put away more food than the entire L.A. Rams’ football team?! I don’t care if one of them is my gluttonous girlfriend’s cousin!

Chalking up this behavioral turnabout as one of life’s many unsolved mysteries, he gave a mental shrug and reached over, playfully tousling the magician’s already rumpled hair and treating her to an indulgent smile.

“I ordered some pizza for lunch before I stepped out, Truce. It should be here soon.”

The pint-sized illusionist had just grabbed two bowls and was about to scoop out the frozen dessert when she let out an outraged shriek of such a high decibel, her startled father was certain only dogs would be able to hear it!

“Daddy!” She howled, slamming the carton down on the counter in a manner, not at all dissimilar to her parent’s courtroom desk poundings. “How could you do this to me?”

“What’s wrong, baby girl?” Phoenix fretted, rushing over to her side, abandoning the coffee he’d been about to pour for himself. “What did I do wrong?”

“I asked you for chocolate-chip mint ice cream!” Was the anguished reply. “And you got me just plain chocolate-chip ice cream!”

“I’m sorry, Truce. But they were completely sold out of the mint chocolate chip kind. I figured this one would be just as good…”

“Daddy, you should know I hate vanilla chocolate chip!” Without warning, the adolescent burst into tears. “After all this time, you still don’t even know your own daughter!”

Phoenix cast a surreptitious glance at the garbage pail by his feet, which contained not one, but two empty tubs of said despised chocolate-chip vanilla Ben & Jerry’s, which belied this latest evidence, but wisely kept his peace.

Instead, he looked wearily at this demonic entity that seemed to have taken over his sweet little girl, wondering if it was at all possible she was somehow being invaded by the malevolent spirit of his ex-girlfriend, Dahlia Hawthorne!

“Wah! You don’t love me!” The magician was seriously getting worked up now, her tiny face drenched with tears. “Admit it, Daddy, you hate me! Why else would you do this to me?”

“Truce, don’t be ridiculous!” Her father protested helplessly, unsure about what to say or do to diffuse the nuclear-style explosion he had unwittingly detonated. “Please stop crying! Of course, I love you!”

He was right back to where he’d been last night…and equally as flummoxed! He couldn’t see how the situation could possibly get any worse.

At that moment, there was a knock at the front door.

“Hey Nick, it’s me! Open up!” The unmistakable sound of Larry Butz’s voice could be heard on the other side of the door. “Did you order pizza?”

The beanie-wearer couldn’t stifle the groan that emitted from his lips this time.

When I wondered how things could get worse, it was a rhetorical ponder, not a challenge!

“I’ll get the door, Mr. Nick,” called the acolyte, as Phoenix put his arms around the still-mewling Trucy, who refused to be consoled despite his pleas to her to calm down.

“Thanks, Pearls!” He hollered across the apartment, still trying to somehow mollify his weepy daughter, while simultaneously feeling relieved that of the two of them, at least Maya’s cousin sounded comparatively normal this morning.

He placed his hands on Trucy’s shoulders and looked her squarely in the eye.

“Truce, come on, I’m sorry! I will go check the other grocery store for your ice cream after we have some pizza, alright? I was just in a rush to get back before the delivery guy got here so I could pay him. Please don’t be so sad. You know I love you, right?”

“OK, Daddy,” she sniffled, wiping her eyes. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I woke up this morning with such a bad headache! And I don’t know why! Last night I couldn’t even go to work because my back was aching so badly…I couldn’t even go to work!”

“You didn’t go to work?”  Phoenix was genuinely alarmed now. “Your back was aching? Truce, how long have you been under the weather? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I had some ice cream and laid back on the sofa, and then I felt better after a little while. I just thought maybe I’d caught a trace of whatever Pearly had. She said she felt weird stomach and back pains last night, too.”

Pearls has the same symptoms as well?! Well, this just keeps getting better! Great! Just great! Are both my girls coming down with something?

Phoenix clapped a hand to his head. Good grief, was he going to be next?

Because whatever it this is, it sounds hella contagious!

He couldn’t afford to miss work! But who would want to hear the ear-grating caterwauling of a sickly pianist who had a frog in his throat?!

“Hey, Trucy doll!” Larry walked into the kitchen, Pearl in tow, and set down the large, flat box on the counter. “Dry those tears, Uncle Larry’s here!”

Ever since the disbarring, the Butz had been off on various art tours which took him to parts of Europe, Asia, and even Africa for the most part. He’d only been in LA for perhaps a month in total these past four years but had kept in touch with his longtime pal, never one to forsake his childhood friend, for which he supposed he was grateful.

Larry hadn’t abandoned him, Phoenix mused, but he hadn’t put much faith in his innocence either, upon hearing the news.

“Fired from your big-shot job? Stupid Nick, ah we all make mistakes at work. No, I didn’t think it was my fault either when the fryer burned down at the fast-food place, although they all claimed it was!”

And of course, the disbarred legist couldn’t expect Larry to ever believe him. Whole segments of his life now were effectively an act. It was no coincidence he paid little heed to personal grooming and donned that investigatory hat, save for during his clandestine bi-monthly visits with Maya at Edgeworth’s love shack, which curtailed his true identity. Often, he feared the adage of eventually becoming what you pretended to be wasn’t too far off.

It was all a lie … he was a fraud.

The irony of the situation hadn’t escaped him, however, that the tables had now been turned; Larry was the artist of semi-minor fame, and he was the loser
criminal hobo.

The world-class children’s book illustrator, who still went by the professional name of Laurice Deauxnim in honor of his late mentor, Elise Deauxnim (the pseudonym Misty Fey had been going by before she’d passed), looked the same as ever, with a goofy grin in place over his neatly trimmed goatee, and spiky brown hair sitting underneath his orange artist beret, which had accompanied his monkey-emblemed, pink sweater ensemble ever since he’d taken up the artist path in life four years prior.

There is that one saving grace about the Butz, Phoenix thought now as he flashed his unexpected visitor a dry smile. He’s the only one who doesn’t bust my chops about my hat, but only because he persists in wearing that ridiculous artist cap on his head wherever he goes!

For once, though, the DILF was grateful for the distraction of his friend’s presence. Trucy was always on her best behavior around the company.

“Hi, Larry. This is a surprise! I haven’t seen you since you … installed my webcam for me a few years back.”

The children’s illustrator flashed a not-so-discreet wink. He could be trusted to keep mum about with whom the poker champ was web-chatting around Trucy, as he was aware of Phoenix’s secret romance with Maya. However, not even the artist was privy to a lot of the details, such as how often they met up in secret at Edgeworth’s residence, or the complex reasons why he was forced to keep it a secret from his daughter. The former attorney had simply stated that he would tell his little girl about his girlfriend when the time was right.

“Well, I’m glad I could help my buddy keep in touch with those nearest and dearest to him! Besides, if I’m in town, I’ve gotta drop in on my best friend! By the way Nick, I paid the pizza guy for you.”

Wow! That was unexpectedly nice of him!  Phoenix was taken aback but touched by his friend’s unexpected generosity. Will wonders never cease?!

Just as he was about to thank the other man, the infamous ne’er-do-well proceeded to prove that he was consistent, if nothing else!

“You owe me twenty bucks.”

Never mind, spoke too soon! The Butz still reeks, in more ways than one!

Larry was already opening the box and about to help himself to a slice, then let out a yelp of protest when Phoenix snapped the lid down on his fingers.

“Hey! What gives, Nick?”

“Sorry Larry, I’ve got two very hungry mouths to feed,” he said curtly, hardly suppressing the urge to roll his eyes as he tersely handed over the money. “Girls, dig in!”

Jeez, for all the times I’ve saved his sorry ass in court, pro bono, you’d think the damn cheapskate wouldn’t nickel and dime me over a lousy pizza!

“But you’ve got an extra-large there!” Larry whined pitifully. Noting Phoenix’s unrelenting expression, he then turned to Trucy, who’d slapped two pizza slices together and had already taken a huge bite. Leaning down over the child, he playfully tapped her nose. “Hey Truce, long time no see! Just look at you now! You’ve gotten so big!”

“Big?!” Trucy screeched, as though mortally wounded. She dropped the pizza back onto her plate and glared at Larry with stormy blue eyes. “What does that mean? Are you saying I look fat or something, Uncle Larry?”

Phoenix sighed and rubbed his temples.

Nice going Butz, getting her all riled up again…

“Fat! N –no! Of course not!” Larry stammered nervously, backing away from the fuming girl. “I just meant you’ve grown so much since the last time I saw you!”

He looked pleadingly at Pearl.

“You know what I mean … right? The both of you do!”

“What?! That’s so cruel, Mr. Larry!” Pearl burst into impromptu tears. “Are you saying I look fat now, too?”

“Grrr! You butt-wipe! You made my cousin cry!”

Without warning, Trucy suddenly did a rapid spinning kick, which, since he was still bent over her, caught him square in the midsection. Larry tumbled backward to the ground, completely winded.

Phoenix had heard all about the hilarious tale of Pearl’s martial arts maneuver on Mildew a few years ago, but this was the first time he’d ever seen his daughter make someone a victim of the move! He barely stifled a chuckle at the sight of his friend rolling on the ground, clutching his stomach while wheezing dramatically.

Oh, knock it off, you wimp! Luckily for you, Trucy was only wearing socks instead of her usual hard-toed magician boots!

“I’m sorry, Larry,” he apologized, hoping he sounded sincere. “I really need to talk to Sasha, my buddy’s wife, about teaching the girls those MMA moves … and how they’re not to be used unless in extreme situations!”

“I’m sorry, Uncle Larry!” Trucy was crying too now. “I – I don’t know what came over me!”

“He called you and me fat, that’s what happened!” Pearl had recovered from her tears and stomped over to Larry, reaching down and whacking at him with her tiny hands. “You horrible, big ol’ meanie stink-face!”

“What the hell! No, I didn’t! Stop it, Pearl!” The beret-wearer complained, putting his arms over his head in an unsuccessful effort to stop the infamous round of Fey slaps and smacks. “Ouch! That hurts!”

Phoenix couldn’t help himself; he snorted with laughter for nearly a minute before feigning the role of a responsible adult and plucking the enraged Pearl away from Larry, finally allowing him to rise again.

“You see that?” He snickered. “It’s not so funny being on the receiving end of those Fey fists of fury, now, is it?”

The artist scowled at him before turning to the sullen girls.

“Trucy, Pearl, I’m sorry if I unintentionally hurt your feelings. I haven’t seen you two in ages, and what I should have said was you’ve both gotten so much taller since I saw you last. Not bigger, as in fat.” He smiled hopefully at the volatile pair. “So, are we friends again?”

“Of course, we are, Uncle Larry!” Trucy beamed and wrapped her arms around him in a big hug. “No hard feelings!”

“We forgive you, Mr. Larry!” Pearl bounced over and hugged him too. “And we’re sorry too!”

Phoenix gaped at this whole scene in disbelief, wondering if he had unwittingly entered some sort of alternate dimension. How the hell had the girls gone and done a complete 180-degree turnabout like that, from violent, teary rage to apologies and hugs, within the blink of an eye?! And without any preamble?!

What’s next? The infamous flying split-pea soup regurgitation? Or will it be their heads will start spinning around first?!

Right on cue, Trucy suddenly yanked herself away from Larry and looked pained.

“Oh no,” she groaned, clutching her stomach. “I don’t feel so good. I think I need to …”

She took a few shallow, ragged, breaths, then made an impromptu bolt towards the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind her.

“Trucy!” Phoenix cried. “Are you all right?”

The girl didn’t reply, but they all heard her moaning softly from behind the closed door.

“Trucy!” The alarmed father went and rapped on the door. “Baby girl, talk to me! Are you OK? I’m really worried!”

“Um, let me try, Mr. Nick,” Pearl offered after a few more moments went by and the knob didn’t turn. She rapped on the door. “Trucy, it’s Pearly. Let me in, please?”

The door opened a crack, and Pearl stepped inside, quickly shutting the door behind her.

The pianist cast a worried glance back at his childhood chum, pulling off his hat and running both his hands through his spikes in agitation.

“Goddammit! I don’t know what’s gotten into them! I wish I knew how to help … but for the life of me, I’ve no clue what’s wrong with my girls! I’d give my left arm to figure out what’s causing this sudden, Exorcist-style, bipolar disorder in both of them!”

“Are you serious, Nick? You haven’t figured it out?” The goateed illustrator cracked up. “Man, I never thought the day would come when I knew more about women than you did! Aren’t you supposed to be a dad or something?”

“Trucy hardly came with a manual, you know!” The hobo glared at him. “And, as my bad luck would have it, I can’t get hold of  Pearls’ guardian, who’s off in the middle of the desert somewhere, to consult on this matter! Therefore, if you have any inkling about the cause of what’s made my little girl turn into this mini… She-Devil, please enlighten me!”

“A Potential Murder Suspect?” The other man derided; his lips curled into a knowing smirk. “Is that what you mean?”

“What the heck? Larry, I’m sorry she kicked you, but I swear to you, she wasn’t trying to actually murder you with that move! She and Pearls are very close you see, and she was merely being protective of her cousin…”

“No, no, Nick! That’s not what I meant! Don’t you get it?” The artist curled his lip. “Sheesh, how are you so slow? I’ve had a million girlfriends go through these mood swings … monthly if you catch my drift?”

The poker champ gawped at him in horror as the ugly truth dawned on him at last.

“You couldn’t possibly mean…”

“Yup, yup. Potential. Murder. Suspect. Take the first letter of each of those words, Nick, and what do you get? P – M –”

“For the love of God, don’t say it!” The ex-lawyer’s eyes widened in terror as he clapped a hand over his friend’s mouth, glancing nervously at the still-closed bathroom door. “The last time I uttered those letters concerning a female, I ended up wearing the remains of her martini!”

“That’s because you used it inappropriately when it wasn’t even the case, and among mixed company – while in public!” Larry jerked his head away from the frantic hobo’s palm and let out a loud guffaw. “But trust me on this one – it’s entirely applicable this time!”

“You could be wrong! Maybe she’s not being herself because she’s unwell!” Phoenix was frantically grasping at whatever straws were within reach. “Trucy told me she’s been feeling sick symptoms! Headaches, backache, upset tummy… Pearls has been experiencing these as well…”

“Both of them?!” Larry shuddered. “Jesus H tapdancing Christ on a taxicab! Talk about your double trouble!”

“Why is this happening to me?!” The helpless card shark buried his face in his hands. “I just don’t know what to do!”

“Well, you could…”

Just then, the bathroom door opened. Two sets of eyes, one cerulean, and one pewter peeked at the men timidly, both with identical expressions on their little faces.

Pure panic.

“Daddy!”

“Mr. Nick!”

“Trucy, Pearls …what is it?” Phoenix’s voice was filled with love and concern. “What’s wrong? Talk to me!”

“I can’t tell you,” his daughter whispered, her gaze remaining downcast. Pearl’s eyes remained on the floor, as well.

“Honey, I’m your father!” He insisted. “You should be able to tell me anything!”

Trucy finally raised her eyes, then silently stared up at him for what seemed like ages. Finally, she squeezed her eyes tightly shut and blurted out the words before she lost her nerve.

“I think I just got my period!”

Pearl’s lip quivered.

“I think I just did, too!”

Phoenix exhaled a martyred sigh and cast his eyes toward the ceiling.

Jeez, Louise! I can hear God laughing at me…

Phoenix Wright and Maggey Gumshoe
Wright Talent Agency
September 2, 2023, 12:30 PM

The former policewoman arrived exactly 20 minutes after the frantic Papa had called her, armed with what looked like an overflowing diaper carrier of feminine products. Her bag was knocked to the floor the second she entered the apartment, however, as the overwhelmed hobo immediately lurched himself at Gumshoe’s wife, wrapping his arms around her in a nearly suffocating hug of gratitude.

“You’re an angel, Maggey!” He cried, nearly lifting the petite brunette off her feet with the sheer force of his relief. “I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t come!”

“Neither do I! Luckily, Dick was home to watch Gordy,” she replied dryly, walking over to the couch where the two girls were sitting exactly as they’d been the night before, with their legs propped up and a blanket covering their laps. “I heard these awful, loud yowls when you rang me! Are the poor dears in that much pain?”

“That was me!” Larry grumbled, waving at their new guest from his seated position at the conference table in the corner. “Nick wouldn’t let me peel out of here, so he forced me to stay here and endure his plight with him till you got here, and grabbed me really tightly by the back of my sweater, which nearly choked me in my throat – to keep me from going anywhere – those sounds were me gasping for air!” He glared at Phoenix, who flashed him a contemptuous one right back. “Such violence in this Wright household! I can see where your kid gets it from!”

“A true pal wouldn’t have tried to bolt when things got tough, and would have wanted to stay and be supportive after all the times I’ve kept his sorry ass out of jail!” Phoenix retorted. “And for the millionth time, Larry, Trucy, and Pearl learned those self-defense martial arts moves from Sasha, not me!”

“A truer pal wouldn’t have forced me to have to stay and deal with such a…embarrassing situation!”

“Objection!”

Both men started, unprepared for the loud shout that came from the normally mild-mannered woman, who also looked startled at the volume of her tone, and grinned sheepishly.

“Wow, I’ve always wanted to do that!” She giggled, before regaining her composure and subjecting both to a deathly glare while putting her hands on her hips. “But seriously, both of you, knock it off! I can’t even choose sides here, because all this is complete and utter flummadiddle! Not to mention that you’re both acting like immature, blathering idiots!”

Phoenix and Larry both looked at the ground, shame-faced.

“Sorry,” they mumbled in unison.

“Now, tell me.” Maggey was in full take-charge mode. “Phoenix, did you find a hot water bottle and a heating pad for Pearl’s back and Trucy’s abdomen, like I told you to?”

“We only had one heating pad,” Phoenix explained. “And I gave it to Pearls, and she said it’s making her feel a bit better. But we didn’t have a water bottle…”

“Then what on earth is your daughter holding on her stomach under that afghan?” Maggey demanded.

“Hi, Aunt Maggey!” Trucy called sunnily. “Daddy got creative and poured boiling water into a Ziploc bag, then put them into my magic panties as a makeshift water bottle to put on my tummy! It’s helping a lot!”

Maggey looked back at the blushing Phoenix. “That’s pretty creative, Papa.” There was a note of admiration in her tone. “Good thinking.”

“Thanks,” he grinned sheepishly. “Also, we um … didn’t have anything for … you know. So…” He leaned closer and whispered in her ear. “I told them to use a clean washcloth in the meantime to tide them over.”

“Whatever you lack in the common sense area sometimes, Phoenix, you more than atone for in creativity,” she praised with a grin. “Good call! But I can take over from here.”

She grabbed her bag and brought it over to the seating area, then proceeded to dump out the arsenal of sanitary napkins and other menstruation paraphernalia onto the coffee table.

“OK! Listen up, girls!” She announced brusquely. “Never fear, Aunt Maggey is here!”

“Well…since you’re here now, I can leave right?” Larry asked hopefully, already inching his way to the door.

“Yeah, I can go and get Trucy that right flavor of ice cream now that we’ve got everything under the control of your capable hands, right, Maggey?” The beanie man was already shuffling after his friend. “So we are going to leave you ladies to um…figure out your…situation…”

“You’re not going anywhere, Phoenix Wright!” She snapped, sounding every bit like the authoritative police officer that she’d once been. “This is your daughter, and you are her father, and you need to know what to do when this situation occurs again in another 30 days or so! Because I may not always be around to make house calls!”

“Yeah, Nick!” Larry’s tone was smug as he reached for the doorknob. “It’s your job to stick around and be there for your kid!”

“You’re not going anywhere either, Larry Butz!” She commanded, glowering at him. “You come back here and sit your bony ass down, too! You aren’t pretty enough to keep on being this damn obtuse, and someday, God willing, there may be a woman you meet who can tolerate your ridiculous self and decides, against her better judgement, to procreate with you, and you may also have a daughter someday!”

God forbid…Phoenix thought, suppressing a shiver at the thought of Larry producing offspring.

Larry slunk over to the sofa area, head hanging. He looked with interest at the dozen different packages and boxes scattered about.

“Extra-long?” He read. “With wings? What the hell, these things make you fly?”

Maggey gave a long-suffering sigh and pinched the bridge of her nose with her fingers.

“Larry Butz, you’re the reason we have warning labels on everything!” She barked. “I’m not even sure if I ought to dignify that banal query with a response!”

“I honestly have no clue about these things!” The buffoon’s face turned crimson. “Sorry if it was a stupid question…”

“There’s no such thing as stupid questions, just stupid people!” Maggey muttered, shooting him a disgusted look. Then she turned to the girls and Phoenix. “Alright, you guys, listen up and pay attention. I can only explain it all to you but I can’t understand it for you.”

She shot Trucy’s Papa a mischievous smile.

“That second part was mostly for Mr. Wright here!”

Phoenix cocked a wry grin, and Trucy and Pearl both giggled as they listened intently to Maggey’s instructions. Then, after a few moments, both girls excused themselves, now armed with the appropriate products, as they went to tend to the matters at hand.

“Wow, that’s a relief!” Phoenix exclaimed, dropping back onto the couch with a look of visible relief on his face. “I know you wanted me to stick around so I’d know what to pick up for Trucy going forward Maggey, but it looks like you brought me a lifetime supply here! There’s a drug store variety and several feminine products here…will you even have anything left for yourself? Why so much stuff?”

“Since we have a few extra bucks now, Dick discovered the joys of Costco Wholesale.” Gumshoe’s wife shrugged. “We buy everything in bulk. This stuff is yours to keep – I imagine this stash should last Trucy a good six months, easy.”

“Oh gosh…Maggey…you’re the best. I don’t know how to thank you,” Phoenix said quietly. “I am so lucky and grateful to have you and your husband as friends.”

“That little girl is so incredibly lucky and blessed to have you for a father, Phoenix Wright,” Maggey said softly, her eyes glowing with affection and pride. “It takes a strong man to accept someone else’s children, and step up to the plate another man left on the table.”

He blushed at the praise, and Larry grinned as he clapped his old friend on the back.

“Yup, Nick here is slowly but surely nailing this whole fatherhood thing for sure, Mags,” He agreed. “But there’s just one thing I can’t figure out about what happened here! I mean…both girls…at the same time…I mean, ugh, what the hell man, do they give it to each other somehow or something?!”

Phoenix just looked at his friend with an expression of undisguised incredulity, but Maggey bestowed him the mother of all withering looks.

“I do declare, Larry Butz!” She proclaimed. “As of this day, it is now official! You are… as bright as a black hole, and twice as dense!”

­­­­­­­­­­­­_______________________________________________________

Miles Edgeworth
Presidential Suite, Lan Kwai Fong Palace Hotel
Zheng Fa
September 3, 2023, 6:30 AM

Alone in his study area, Miles finished Phoenix’s email, and upon reading the Maggey’s last line of dialogue to Butz, (a thought which he had not-so-secretly shared for many, many years!) let out a loud shout of uncharacteristic laughter.

True to his word, since the fateful day Maya had been admitted to the hospital, his friend had kept his word and ensured the prosecutor was never in the dark about anything whatsoever. In fact, Phoenix plied him with almost too much information now, keeping him abreast of all his regular comings and goings, milestones, and developments in his and Trucy’s lives. Miles would never complain though…as his best friend’s emails were always so well-worded and intricately detailed, he almost felt as if he were there in heart of the action alongside his friends in LA, instead of feeling forlorn that it had been four years since he’d laid eyes on any of them.

He grinned to himself as he re-read the last few lines, still chuckling to himself about how panicked and hopeless Phoenix must have felt over dealing with Mother Nature’s first impromptu visit to his daughter. It was pure comedic gold indeed, and he was happy to have been kept in the loop, even if it was something as seemingly trite as Trucy’s first bout of Pardon My Sobbing.

“Miles Edgeworth!” Franziska hollered from the bedroom; her voice harsh. “Whatever are you laughing at right now, you foolish fool? You’re supposed to be packing and getting ready for our trip to Borginia!”

Dammit, woman, we don’t leave for another fortnight!

As much as he yearned to shout back, he wisely opted to keep the peace. After all, unlike his best friend, he’d had many years of experience in dealing with these matters and ergo, knew the best way of handling them – by aimlessly nodding, smiling, and most importantly … keeping his mouth shut!

Thence, instead of uttering an angry retort, he simply shut down his laptop and gave a resigned sigh before taking a deep breath and heading over to join his fiancée in their chambers.

Evidently, it was now Miles’ turn to deal with his own Potential Murder Suspect…