48 Sexy And I Know It

To run away from you
Was all that I could do.
To run away from you
Was all that I could do.

Thorn in my side.
You know that’s all you’ll ever be.
So don’t think you know better
‘Cause that’s what you mean to me
I was feeling complicated.
I was feeling low.
Now every time I think of you
I shiver to the bone

Miles Edgeworth and Lana Skye
Interpol Offices, Borginia
August 7, 2024, 7:35 PM

Six o’clock had rolled around, then come and gone, but apparently, neither the stylist nor hairdresser had decreed Miles and Lana prepared to make their makeover debut. In the end, Lang and Badd refused to let a pregnant woman go too long without eating, despite Franziska’s protests, so at 6:30, after effectively wrapping things up with Kay, the men had taken her out for a quick bite at a local sushi place around the corner.

Both men had been left shamefaced and flustered when she’d loftily informed them that raw fish was on the forbidden list of things an expecting mother could eat! However, rather than waste more time changing restaurants, as she was eager to get back to the office and see her fiancé’s new look, Franziska made do with some chicken teriyaki while the men happily gorged themselves on California rolls, before the trio headed back to the office.

Jilly and Carlos were out of the backroom and grinning expectantly when they came in.

“Oh goody, you guys are just in time for the unveiling!” The bubbly blonde told them, a broad smile on her face. She hit the light switch so the room was plunged into slight darkness, then snapped her fingers at Carlos, who immediately turned the audio player on his cell and shone his phone’s flashlight towards the closed door to the far back office for a dramatic spotlight effect.

A moment later, with LMFAO’s “Sexy and I Know It” playing in the background, the door opened, and a very grumpy-looking billionaire playboy emerged.

Franziska’s heart thudded wildly at the sight of him, and she felt an electric jolt, which she was delighted he could still give her five years later.  All her life, she’d known how handsome Miles Edgeworth looked in a suit … but this was something else entirely.

“Here we have Miles Edgeworth, in a custom-designer suit, courtesy of the country that’s the fashion capital of the world!”

Jilly sounded positively giddy as she narrated the prosecutor’s debut new look while holding up a nearby pen to her lips as a makeshift microphone, like a fashion commenter at a runaway show.

“Take note that the material is charcoal, and almost, but not quite, black in color, which deepens his mesmerizing eyes to a gun-metal grey. Made with 100% smooth, woven Italian wool, and woven in Milan. The jacket has two-button closure; four-button cuffs; a chest pocket; front flap pockets; an interior pocket; center vent. Pick stitched accents and black, branded buttons surely help touch up this dapper two-button jacket to a notch-lapel masterpiece. Slim, crisply creased flat-front trousers pair perfectly with the trim-tailored jacket to achieve a dashing, modern profile. The trousers have a zip fly with a hook-and-bar closure; front slant pockets; back button-closure welt pockets … doesn’t he look sexy as hell, guys!”

“Alright, enough already!” Miles snapped, turning his head to glare at the hairdresser and huffily folding his arms across his chest, upon which he wore a crisp white dress shirt, a wine-colored vest, and his usual snowy cravat … all topped off by the darkening scowl on his face. “I abhor that word, Miss Baxter, as well as this noise pollution! I command that you turn off that abominable, inappropriate, horrendous excuse for music, post-haste!”

Startled by the anger in the normally calm prosecutor’s voice, Carlos’ hasty fingers struggled to find the stop button on his phone’s audio player, but in his nervous state, merely succeeded in turning up the volume, so the song’s sound was only amplified just as the door opened again, and the former detective stepped out.

I got passion in my pants and I ain’t afraid to show it
Show it, show it, show it
I’m sexy and I know it…

Not wanting her other client to miss out on making a grand entrance, Jilly quickly grabbed her phone and shone its flashlight like a spotlight on a visibly embarrassed but spectacularly transformed ex-detective as she emerged from behind the door while continuing in her narration.

“Next, we have Lana Skye, in a fetching merlot-colored celebratory mini dress with shimmering sequins! Sprinkle your celebration and make retro style go modern with sparkle! Its top features a daringly low-cut V-neckline. Note the lustrous sequined accents on the bodice and run-up shoulder straps, which secure and encrust the fitted bodice. A tailored profile produces a curvy fit through the bust, waist, and hips, and the sheer overlay with streams of multicolor sequins shimmers atop a solid lining, surrounding her in glints of light. Sheer panels, composed of curvaceous stretch fabric in a contrasting shade, curve down the sides and the length of the mini-dress, and the tapered skirt makes a show-stopping, short dénouement, with a back zipper creating a fit that’s just …Va-Va-Va-Voom!”

Lana felt her face burn as she felt six sets of eyes staring at her, and she promptly wished she could disappear. She felt so self-conscious she wanted to die. This was ridiculous! She was too old for this! How on earth could she possibly pass for arm candy, no matter how slutty of a dress they put her into and how much makeup was slapped onto her face?

As a young girl, she had hardly bothered with any artifice, her youth made her beautiful enough. Heads would turn, and boys took notice. But now that she had her toes inching towards her fourth decade, things were different. In an admittedly vain attempt to mask her aging, she never left home without a full face of makeup, expertly applied to make it look like she was barely wearing any.  She felt safe behind it, and she felt naked without it. It was confidence in a tube, beauty in a bottle, and ego in a palette. It allowed her to cling to the illusion of youth a little longer, to pretend she wasn’t marching toward middle age. However,  there was a far cry from her daily pink lip gloss, dutifully applied subtle eyeliner and skin-smoothing foundation, to her current diva look!

She felt like a desperate old cougar on the prowl in her attire, even if her rigorous workouts had admittedly kept her in good enough shape to wear the daringly revealing bombshell dress! But neck up, she was still 37 years old – and probably looked it! She was certain their cover tonight would be blown entirely because although dressed and made up to the nines, she’d not feel entirely comfortable doing so – and looking this way was hardly part of her normal repertoire! To top it all off, she felt like an overgrown giant. She was already 5’6″ barefoot, but in the four-inch stilettos Jilly had insisted on putting her in, while her long legs admittedly looked like they went up to her armpits, she was now the same height as Miles himself!

Her new look included but was not limited to: contoured cheekbones with Lord knew how many layers of blusher and bronzer, dark smoky-eye makeup, individual false eyelashes, and glossy crimson lipstick. Lana had barely recognized herself in the mirror – the black eyeliner around her eyes was so heavy and defined it made her teal-green eyes look almost cat-like in appearance! She was sure she looked every bit like the ridiculously made-up clown-whore she thought she did! In another moment she would insist that the younger, striking, (albeit meaner than piss and vinegar) German woman – who for some unknown reason had taken an intense loathing to her right out of the gate – take her place tonight at the shindig!

Maybe she could pretend to sprain her ankle due to her towering footwear, and then be put out of her misery?

The lights switched back on, and Lana nervously looked around at her colleagues, dimly noticing that right after she’d come into the room, and the hairdresser had said her spiel, the music had abruptly stopped. The silence surrounded her, crushed her. Her stomach did double loops as she stood, unmoving, at the front of the room, like a scrutinized statue on display.

Franziska’s expression was unreadable, while Jilly looked delighted with the fruits of her labor, but it was the males in the room whose gazes were unnerving her. The men were all staring at her in extensive silence, and she had no idea what they were thinking!

Desperate for a friendly face, her frantic gaze sought out her former lover’s, and she froze, feeling her pulse race wildly at the sight of him, exactly as it had when she’d first set eyes upon him nearly a decade ago.

She’d seen Miles in a suit many times before – almost as many times as she’d seen him out of it, of course, she remembered, blushing slightly. Therefore, she already knew he cleaned up well;  had noted the instant she’d laid eyes on him a few hours ago that he’d only gotten even more attractive over the years. He’d swapped his old pinkish uniform with gold tassels, knee breeches, and ascot for a magenta suit with full-length trousers and had traded in the cross gemstone and ascot for a white cravat, which suited him and his more refined, matured look all the better now.

Therefore, she thought she’d seen all the various faces of Miles Edgeworth in their entirety – but the man staring back at her now just looked like a different person, entirely!
The trademarked eyelash-grazing, smoky bangs, along with the rest of his immaculate mane, were now coal-black and heavily slicked back into place atop his head, so you could now clearly make out the aristocratic features, unlined complexion, and strong, well-defined brows. His facial hair was now even more groomed and looked somewhat darkened, making him appear younger, yet simultaneously more roguish and sophisticated. All in all, Miles resembled a more fair-skinned, younger version of the Tony Stark on Carlos’ T-shirt, which she supposed was the exact look they’d been going for!

Holy Mary, mother of God, the blasted man had gotten even more handsome with his makeover if that was even possible!

Lana gulped. There was no way in hell anyone was going to believe that this fox who looked worthy of the silver screen would ever be with an old hag like her. Never in a million years!

Miles forgot all about his irritation with the music and how much he hated this kind of attention, as well as that godforsaken, inane song! Instead, all his objections died in his throat as he took note of how splendid his ex looked in all her vixenish, arm-candy glory.

Her tall frame and slender body were like that of a Victoria’s Secret lingerie model, her bare arms toned from obvious hours in the gym, and around her long, swan-like neck sat a large ruby gemstone necklace, surrounded by small diamonds, nestling just above the tantalizing display of cleavage. Her seraph’s ears were pierced by matching diamond and ruby earrings that were concealed by her glossy, caramel-colored waves, which Jilly had curled and clipped underneath with invisible bobby pins, so it looked like it was cropped into a posh, chin-length bob, which highlighted her high, well-defined cheekbones.

She was every bit the titillating temptress of any man’s fantasy. A ravishing, breathtaking, goddess.

He felt his mouth go dry as his eyes met her exquisitely made-up ones, and expected at any moment for her to come towards him with her head thrown back in that same confident, sexy strut she’d initially walked in with, the one that told the world, “I’m beautiful and I know it.”

Instead, the brunette remained completely immobile at the front of the room, and unfathomably, what he saw was a genuine flicker of concern on her symmetrical features, rather than the glee of having a room full of admiring male and female gawkers!

Miles cleared his throat, struggling to find the words to ease the tension in the room, and he fervently wished he hadn’t asked for the music to be turned off. No doubt it would conceal the sudden raucous, erratic beating of his heart, which he was sure they could all hear!

“Lana,” he began.

“Miles,” she started, at the same time.

They both chuckled nervously, then tried again.

“You look simply stunning,” he told her, at the simultaneous moment that she blurted out, “You really do look sexy!”

Miles felt his face burning from the compliment, forgetting she’d used the one word he had a distinct aversion to, while his spoken ones brought a deep curve on her lips, making the world stop around her.  It was a smile that brought back a million memories in a split second; the precious dimple that made his heart skip a beat, even though he still saw some apprehension in her eyes.

She still has that smile that makes you feel happy about being alive; just a bit more human.

For one brief, insane moment, he wanted to reach out and touch her lips, plump and wet-looking and delectably ruby even in the fading light of the evening … if only to assure her that all was fine and that she looked absolutely perfect.

Then he remembered he was engaged now; that his memories of Lana were from another lifetime ago. Moreover, all these fleeting thoughts of temporary insanity were beyond ridiculous and inappropriate, and he mentally lambasted himself for his moment of crazed weakness.

It appears the adage has merit, after all. Old feelings die hard indeed…

“My Liebling is quite the sexy sight to behold, indeed,” Franziska purred, sauntering over and effectively breaking the momentary spell between them. “How astute of you to notice!”

The clear marking of her territory with her next gesture was impossible to miss; she strolled right up to her fiancé and, disregarding their longtime established rule about professional conduct betwixt them during working hours, placed a proprietary kiss on his cheek while she flashed an icy look at the other woman.

“However, it is hardly apropos for you to say as much, nein? You might have missed the memo, but Miles duly castigated poor Miss Baxter for use of that very word just before your arrival, Agent Skye.”

“Yeah, that’s right, you did, Miles.” Jilly squizzed at him in confusion. “Number one, though, Ms. Von Karma, you’re marrying a hunky piece of man meat, so unless you want to claw the eyes out of every female on earth, I suggest you get used to them noticing! After all, Lana was just admiring our hard work! But number two, Miles, seriously, what is up with you and your hate-on for that word, anyway?”

“There’s no particular reason per se.” The barrister cleared his throat uncomfortably. “I simply find it to be overly provocative and … unnecessary.”

Even if it’s true? Lana wondered but wisely kept her thoughts to herself. The whip-wielding Frau was palpably the crazy, jealous, possessive sort that wouldn’t hesitate to claw your eyes out for giving her man even a second glance! She had zero desire to show up at the party bearing the markings of either the fingernails or the leather weapon that Franziska visibly sported on her holster, which she’d undoubtedly not hesitate to use if provoked!

Such insecurity was beyond ridiculous, though! Aside from being utterly ravishing, with her satiny silvery hair and striking, flawless face and figure, Miles’s fiancée was sporting a rock on her left ring finger that you could have skated upon!

Therefore, she couldn’t possibly see Interpol’s latest addition as a true threat!

Or could she?

Assuming, of course, the Agent even knew of her sordid past with Miles … surely he wasn’t a big enough fopdoodle to have actually informed her … was he?

In any case, aside from that one tongue slip just now, the anterior Chief Prosecutor hadn’t acted inappropriately toward Miles whatsoever. Ergo the German woman’s unprecedented, churlish behavior was simply uncalled for!

After all, our iniquitous relationship has long since been gone with the wind. Finished. Completely over. Deader than the Macarena… Isn’t it?

Lana couldn’t help but question her own sanity as she tried to ascertain the distinction between wishful thinking versus actuality. Was it possible, even remotely, that her former paramour still carried a torch for an old broad like her after all this time, when he had this world-class beauty at his side? Was it mere fanciful desire that’d made her envision something in his eyes those few times when he’d looked at her? Had she only imagined that he’d gazed at her in such a way that it made her start wondering if there was a part of her that had never fully gotten over Miles either? That same part of her that was now deliberating about whether or not she’d made a grave mistake with her decision nine years ago…

Her musings were interrupted as Franziska broke the silence then.

“You are far too modest, Miles,” his fiancée admonished lightly, smiling admiringly at him. “Would you give me a tongue lashing as well if I noted how sexy my billionaire playboy looks right now?”

The prosecutor cringed but forced himself to smile for her benefit.

“Truly, meine Dame, I would prefer the words handsome or debonair if anything.”

“That was before you morphed into Tony Stark,” Badd spoke up, crossing his arms across his broad chest and smirking. “Pink suit Edgeworth gets called pretty boy, or handsome but the newly pimping Iron Man vibe just oozes … sexiness.”

“Indeed, oh sexy one, it truly does,” Lang grinned, purposely ignoring the legist’s flinching at the word. “What I want to know is how this transformation of yours took three hours to complete! With the enchanting Lana, I understand good things take time! But you already had the facial hair – how long could it possibly have taken to dye your hair and slap some gel on it?”

“I’ll have you know that I was also subjected to the indignities of buffed, manicured, and plucked to within an inch of my life, in parts of my body that I didn’t even realize could or should have had hair removed from them!” Miles retorted loftily. “No doubt, Agent Lang, that if dealt with the task of taming your unruly tufts, poor Jilly would have up and quit, retiring her shears for life rather than take on the burden of such a Herculean task!”

“Not so fast! Why are you throwing shade at my locks, pretty boy?” Lang glowered, running a self-conscious hand through his wild, russet mane. “Do I ever make fun of your hair?”

“You mean how you think Tony Stark Junior here normally looks like he’s got a giant, flapping bird on his head?” Badd interjected, pulling his sucker out of his mouth and flashing the Wolf Man a shit-eating grin. “No, you don’t mock pretty boy about that at all! Not to his face, anyway…”

Miles only glared at the two men in response.

Sensing a squabble about to break out, and having no desire to be caught in the crossfire, the stylist hastily intervened.

“Frankly, dressing Mr. Edgeworth and Jilly dyeing and styling his hair took just a little over an hour,” he informed them. “As for the manicuring, hair removal, and tweezing all that only took another half hour in total.”

“Then Was in Gottes Namen was being done with my Miles for the other two hours during your slower than a snail on a treadmill makeover, you foolish fool?” Franziska demanded indignantly. “If you were done within an hour or so as you claim, he could have joined us for dinner!”

“To be honest…” he smiled sheepishly. “The rest of the time was spent playing tug of war with Mr. Edgeworth over his fluttering neckwear! He refused to relinquish the darn thing!”

“Verily! I am not taking off my cravat!” Miles insisted staunchly, crossing his arms and staring daggers at the younger man. “I am putting my foot down on this one! Case closed!”

Carlos groaned loudly.

“Will one of you please reason with him and inform him that ruffly frills do not go with this designer ensemble?”

Everyone in the room fell silent.

“I don’t know…” Lang began skeptically. “Edgeworth is awfully fond of that fluttery napkin thing.”

“Hold it!” Miles shot him a withering look. “My cravat is neither fluttery nor a napkin of any sort!”

“Except for that one-time, if you wish to be technical,” Franzhis betrothed reminded him mischievously. “When Kay used it as a Kleenex to blow her …”

Her fiancé cut her off with a glare.

“I told you to never speak of that again!”

“He insists it’s part of who he is,” Badd added doubtfully. “I don’t know, Moledo, it may be cravat or bust!”

“He’s got to lose that thing!” Carlos insisted. “The suit’s an Armani, for crying out loud!”

“Jesus Christ jogging on a swimming pool!!”

Lana let out a disgruntled sigh as she abruptly strode over to her ex. Completely catching him off guard, she stood in front of him, bending over and studying something intently on his chest while giving him the chance to catch a whiff of her unforgettable lavender perfume.

“Hey, Miles, what’s that spot on your shirt? It looks like Jilly glopped some gel onto it by mistake!”

“What in the name of God’s elbow –” Alarmed, the attorney peered down at the phantom stain, just as the vamp took advantage of his split-second distraction to deftly remove the offending cravat from his neck, clench it into her fist, and toss it to the astonished stylist.

“Keep it safe,” she instructed Carlos with a smirk. “I assure you that he’ll want that back tonight.”

“Objection, Lana!” Miles narrowed his eyes at his undercover partner while feeling concurrently dumbfounded, impressed, and wounded by her duplicity. “That was most unscrupulous, catching me unawares in such a manner!”

“I just took a page out of the field training manual, Interpol Agent Tactics 101,” she winked, undaunted by his ire. “Take advantage of any diversions. Failing that, have the lightning-quick reflexes to make one of your own!”

“You see that? Agent Skye’s rearing to go and hit the ground running!” Lang bragged, flashing their latest hire a look of admiration. “I knew she’d be ace at this!”

“Of course!” Badd boasted shamelessly. “She was trained by the best, after all!”

“If you all are done patting yourselves on the back now,” the fake Iron Man said dryly. “There is still the matter that Lana and I have spent the last few hours in captivity and are now completely famished. Is it possible to get some food into us before the festivities tonight?”

“We already ate though,” Lang told him. “At the Japanese place down the street.”

“Fine! Then you can watch me eat!” Miles declared grumpily, forlornly touching the empty spot on his neck where his cravat normally lay. “God’s spleen, I feel so naked without my prized accessory!”

“I second the motion of food being a good idea,” Lana agreed. “No doubt there will be copious amounts of alcohol there and I’m a complete lightweight. Probably best if I don’t drink on an empty stomach!”

“OK fine…” Lang glanced at his watch. “It’s 8:00 now, the party doesn’t start till 10:00. We can all duck into that tavern a few blocks down for some grub before we send you guys off to the jamboree. That gives us some time to brief you on the details for tonight, as well.”

He smiled at the makeover team.

“I’m sure our hardworking glam squad here isn’t opposed to getting something into them, either.”

“I’m starved,” Jilly admitted.

“Me too,” said Carlos.

“OK, everyone, to The Brass Monkey!” Badd declared. “Lang, I can grab Carlos and Jilly in my car, if you don’t mind taking Lana.”

“I’ll come with Miles,” Franziska stated. “I’d like to steal a few moments with my fiancé before he heads off for the night.”

“Here, Mr. Fat Pockets.” The Wolf Man tossed him a set of keys. “May as well give you access to your ride for the night now.”

Miles looked down at the emblem, a slow smile of appreciation forming on his lips.

“A Lamborghini, Lang? I hate to admit it but am suitably impressed.”

“You can’t be a billionaire playboy showing up to a drug lord’s mansion in a Chevy,” Lang shrugged. “Enjoy your temporary loaner, courtesy of Interpol. It’s the red one out back.”

As they began to file out, Franziska took her future husband’s hand and squeezed it.

“What a privilege! I get to be the first one to step out with you in your new makeover mode. This will be the most fun, to say the least.”

“Indubitably,” he grinned, leaning down to kiss her lightly on the lips as they walked out the door. “I do relish the idea of going for fish and chips with my fiancée in style.”

“There is just one small thing I need to ask you, Liebling…” Franziska began sweetly as they headed towards the flashy sports car. “Lest I go out of my mind from the sheer force of my burning curiosity.”

“What’s that, meine Dame?” Miles asked absently as he put on his seat belt.

“Was zur Hölle would be the true story regarding you and that overly made-up Hure, Herr Edgeworth?”

Eurythmics – Thorn in My Side

LMFAO –  Sexy And I Know It