141 Short D*ck Man

A/N: Ema is a terrific and underrated character that I have missed writing! The last time we saw her was back in February, Chapter 111: The Mind Eraser Deviation, when readers discovered the origins of her hatred for a certain blond rock God, and then she had just found out who her prosecution partner was going to be… None other than said glimmerous fop! 😆

I hope you enjoy this next story arc because Ema and Klavier are going to be very imperative to the storyline for both the main heroes, Nick, and Miles!

We are now flashing back to Valentine’s Day 2026, a week into her new role as Klavier’s subordinate.

“Todo es hermoso y constante,
Todo es música y razón,
Y todo, como el diamante,
Antes que luz es carbón.”
-José Martí-

English Translation:

“Everything is beautiful and constant,
Everything is music and reason,
And all, like a diamond,
Before light, is coal.”

Ema Skye
Europe
September 2024

Until the day she died, there was one unforgettable day that would remain permanently seared into Ema Skye’s memory: the fateful day she got the results back from her doomed forensics exam. She would never forget the gut-lurching feeling of dismay; as though her innards had just gotten wet cement pumped into them, when she saw the “close, but no cigar” failing mark etched in cruel, crimson ink on top of the stark white page.

She slid her exam results back into their small brown envelope with fumbling fingers and leaden eyes. She could hear the excited chatter of her friends outside, comparing results, discussing which potential companies and career paths they were headed for. Rearranging her face into something which she hoped was nonchalant and casual looking, she sauntered through the throng.

“I haven’t opened them yet,” she chirped and then turned to walk briskly down the lane, away from the school, away from her old life, and into a bleak future full of uncertainty and doubt.

The morning had broken like the sweet melody of a blackbird, full of promise, freshness, and newness to come. Now it sat like a cold cup of black, bottomless coffee…as dark as the depths of her crippling despair…

Ema Skye
Criminal Affairs Department
February 7, 2026, 9:00 PM

Life as the world’s most reluctant Homicide Detective FOPPING sucks… Scientifically speaking!

This was the thought that had constantly coursed through Ema Skye’s mind in the past week – at least a dozen times a day! – since she had begun her undesirable career for the LAPD, under the equally unenviable subordination of a particular glimmerous fop (something she had yet to call him to his face!) a.k.a. one Herr Klavier Gavin.

Despite having her old friend Dick Gumshoe as her immediate superior, not even the brawny man’s kindness could save her from the inescapable irascibility of constantly having to work under such a puerile, patronizing peacock, who prided himself on being some sort of a ladies man and amused himself by attempting to beguile her with his charm, via insincere flattery and shamelessly blatant flirtations, which she deftly rebuked at every turn.

Ema shook her head to clear it. Thinking about her loathsome boss always made her feel as though spiders had invaded her mind and spun a thousand webs; her every thought seemed to get caught up in another until nothing made sense! And because he was so irritating to her senses that her blood pressure regularly went sky-high, it, therefore, made it nigh impossible for her to concentrate on anything but the annoyance. Amongst the other qualities that she found insufferable about Klavier was that he was intolerably bossy and condescending. She just knew that if she were a forensics expert, he wouldn’t talk to her the way he did; always with that ridiculously smug, knowing grin plastered across his overly tan, pretty-boy face, which her fingers constantly itched to slap off!

She cursed her luck – not only did she fail the stupid exam but, as a result, she’d had to get stuck with him as a boss!

The brunette snorted. Prosecutor Gavin. What an inane title.

It was beyond ludicrous. Whoever heard of a prosecutor moonlighting as a rock star? It was positively absurd. What had she ever done to deserve having a man who was even prettier than she was – and who was undeniably cognizant of it! – for a boss?! To top it off, he had that ridiculous Elsa from Disney’s Frozen platinum braided hairdo, coupled with all those gaudy and blingy rings and that stupid G-chain he wore around his neck! He was definitely more a rock star than a prosecutor yet somehow still had the gall to claim the latter was his real passion! Just who did he think he was fooling?!

He should stick to singing and leave prosecuting to the likes of Prosecutie Mr. Edgeworth!  

Ema practically swooned at the thought of the dashing prosecutor. Now there was a man she could get on board with! That chiseled mien, those intense eyes, and that silver hair … a small shiver ran down her spine. Of course, looks aside, the debonair Miles Edgeworth was not only a prodigy but also a logically superpowered genius. Moreover, he was smart, and cool (in a way Klavier could never be!) and he emanated power.

When the brunette had been forced to take the career segue into law enforcement, she had comforted herself with the thought that at least she would be seeing Mr. Edgeworth practically every day – only to have another item added to her crushing list of disappointments. Gumshoe had informed her that her teenage dream was still overseas on a top-secret Interpol assignment (possibly alongside her beyond lucky big sister!) and wasn’t due to return to America until at least at a TBD in the summertime!

To further add insult to injury, she’d come face to face with Herr Foppington … or rather, face to the chain!

Ema scowled darkly as she remembered her first day at work and her subsequent encounter with the gaudy specimen; of course, with her luck, she’d ended up squarely colliding with him, as the stupid chain around his neck bumped painfully against her forehead, prompting him to smirkingly inquire if she was alright, not without barely concealed mirth. Ever since then, all she’d wanted to do was take that damn obnoxiously blinding pendant and throttle him with the gleaming chain attached to it! Someday, she was sure she would. It would even be worth her subsequent arrest – at least it would mean she wouldn’t need to deal with his obscenely tight, leather pants-wearing Arsch behind the prosecutor’s bench anymore!

She hated almost everything about the German man. Most of all, she hated the fact that while she could dismiss him as a person, she could not dismiss his capabilities in the courtroom. She knew to have become a prosecutor at the age of 17, he must have had more than good looks and luck going for him. Despite being a chauvinist and womanizer, he was admittedly the most comprehensive attorney Ema had ever encountered, spending endless exhaustive hours in research and preparation. Every feasible angle was covered, and every tiny detail was examined and re-examined. It wasn’t just the ladies and the fangirls that adored him; his clients loved him and so did the jury. He oozed an effortless charisma, and whenever he spoke, he owned the courtroom, holding everyone’s rapt attention.

Ultimately, it was impossible to begrudge Klavier for his skilled dedication to the law. The policewoman rancorously conceded to even marginally admiring him for such – but it sure as hell didn’t mean she liked him! There was no law dictating she had to even remotely stomach him, despite acknowledging that the man surely had talent beyond merely singing in some boy band she had never heard of until then and speaking in a lilting Deutsch accent he could turn on and off at will!

Regardless of his professional pros alongside his glaring list of cons, dealing 8 hours a day – sometimes more – with someone she felt such contempt for, in a job she could barely abide, was terrible for her morale. In fact, in all of her years, the constantly frustrated wannabe forensic scientist couldn’t remember a point in her life when she had ever felt so low – lower than the rent on a burning building!

Not only am I a failed scientist, but I fail to be memorable, either!

It only furthered her disdain of the Gavinners frontman that with each passing day, it became more and more clear to her that truly, Klavier had nein inklings who she was! His feckless memory simply wouldn’t allow any recollection of what was clearly a most forgettable encounter of their not-so-historical initial meeting at The Borscht Bowl Club another lifetime ago! The ever-toothy prosecutor seemed genuinely bewildered by her overt hostility and icy demeanor towards him, even going as far as prodding her to “smile” every so often! Each time he did so, Ema’s disgusted response was simply to pelt him with her bottomless supply of sugary munchies to the noggin until the blond had reluctantly left her vicinity.

Thank heavens for Snackoos… Since I barely drink and refuse to abuse any sort of other recreational substance, they truly are not only my sole vice in life but also my salvation.

Aside from Snackoos, and her two cats, Schrödinger and Hawking, the chocolate snacks were her only constant companion. On top of being constantly unsatisfied and desolate about her plight, the science lover had never felt more dejected or lonelier in her entire life.

She had no friends other than Gumshoe at work and seeing how in love he and Maggey still were, all these years later, while heartwarming, still left her feeling forlorn at the same time. And forget Meekins. Although the klutzy, hapless bumbler was harmless enough, he still was not someone the short-tempered beauty could tolerate off the clock unless she was getting paid for it!

The cherry on the proverbial Shit Sundae was that the two people she had most looked up to both seemed to have taken an indefinite leave from her life for an undetermined amount of time! Her big sister was now essentially unreachable until God knew when while on her undoubtedly dangerous, top-secret undercover Interpol assignment. And on top of that, Phoenix Wright seemed to have fallen off the face of the earth! Her erstwhile old pal hadn’t returned a single one of her phone calls since she had arrived back in Los Angeles or even replied to any of her emails.

This particular rejection had stung more than words could say. She had missed the defense attorney terribly over the years and had been so delighted when he’d kept in touch with her while she had been away in Europe. One of the few highlights in her life about coming back to the States had been her eager anticipation of reuniting with her old friend, to whom she and Lana would forever be grateful for his assistance in exposing the truth about the real killer in the murder that nearly ruined the Skye sisters’ lives.

Ema had been beyond reverential by the blue attorney’s ability to turn things around, even when the odds were against him. The respect and admiration she held for that man knew zero bounds. Although she remembered the Ace Attorney being unconventionally attractive, her respect and affection for him, (perhaps less due to their age difference and more to do with her schoolgirl crush on Miles Edgeworth at the time!) had never surpassed that of merely an awestruck teen who’d been mesmerized by the miraculous 180’s the King of the Turnabout had been capable of in the courtroom. It defied all science!

However, while Phoenix’s courtroom antics simply belied all logic and reason, they’d left a lasting impression on her soul nonetheless. She was determined to become a forensic investigator even more after that, further bolstered during her studies abroad to master the trade so that she could someday be of use to the blue attorney in future cases.

Instead, she’d returned home, not only to find that the man whom she’d adored as a young girl appeared to be avoiding her like the plague but also discovered that because there were no available positions in forensics.  As a laughable substitute for her dream job, she was going to be placed in the homicide department, where the listlessly boring work wouldn’t allow her to show off the mad science skills she’d learned, with the rare exception of the occasional fingerprinting here or luminol testing there.

Between the unfulfillment in both her professional and personal life, her sole other solace was music. Whenever she was stuck in her office and nobody was around, or at late ungodly hours after everybody had gone home, Ema Skye would shake her money-maker like there was no tomorrow and sing along loudly as she blasted the radio tunes

Today had been an exhausting day and as the drained Detective was finally getting ready to wrap up, the music station she was listening to started to play Shania Twain’s “Any Man of Mine.”

Her customary grumpy expression vanished, and her eyes lit up. Ema adored the Canadian singer and had especially fond memories associated with her songs, particularly due to seeing the country star live in concert, which Lana had taken her to for her 13th birthday.

Despite her inability to personally relate to the lyrics, since she hadn’t ever had any sort of love life to speak of,  the saucy,  semi-tongue-in-cheek tune about what the singer was looking for in her ideal partner never failed to bring a smile to her face. Taking advantage of the fact that she was all alone in the office, the cop grabbed one of her display test tubes from the scientist glass beaker set upon her desk, holding it as a mike while she began to sing along to the lyrics.

This is what a woman wants…

Any man of mine better be proud of me
Even when I’m ugly he still better love me
And I can be late for a date that’s fine
But he better be on time

Any man of mine’ll say it fits just right
When last year’s dress is just a little too tight
And anything I do or say better be okay
When I have a bad hair day

Feeling slightly giddy now, partially from over-tiredness, and in part due to the happy reminiscences she had associated with the performer, Ema began to dance around the office, belting her heart out with everything she had.

And if I change my mind
A million times
I wanna hear him say
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I like it that way

Any man of mine better walk the line
Better show me a teasin’ squeezin’ pleasin’ kinda time
I need a man who knows, how the story goes
He’s gotta be a heartbeatin’ fine treatin’
Breathtakin’ earthquakin’ kind
Any man of mine

Well any man of mine better disagree
When I say another woman’s lookin’ better than me
And when I cook him dinner and I burn it black
He better say, mmmm, I like it like that yeah

She undid the half topknot atop of her head and tossed her newly freed, glossy chestnut mane about as she continued to sing, spinning around with her back to the door and pointing her finger at the rear-facing window in her office as though it were her audience, while her free hand still held the science prop as a microphone.

And if I changed my mind
A million times
I wanna hear him say
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I like it that way

Any man of mine better walk the line
Better show me a teasin’ squeezin’ pleasin’ kinda time
I need a man who knows, how the story goes
He’s gotta be a heartbeatin’ fine treatin’
Breathtakin’ earthquakin’ kind…

“Bravoruf, Fräulein Detective!” An unexpectedly familiar tone sounded behind her just then, coupled with enthusiastic clapping. “Das ist ja wirklich ganz toll!”

With a cry of horror, as she recognized the voice immediately, Ema whirled around, nearly dropping the glass object from her hand as she met the twinkling eyes of none other than Klavier Gavin, whose approaching footsteps she’d failed to hear over the blaring music.  She had no idea how long he’d been there to witness her impromptu performance, nor did she know how sincere the bestowed compliment was, but at that point, she was too mortified to care!

Cheeks burning, she stalked over to the radio, powering it off before directing stormy teal orbs towards the amused ones of the prosecutor.

“No need to stop on my account,” he teased, his blue eyes dancing with merriment. “I was quite enjoying the show!”

“Do you normally make it your regular habit to spy on your subordinates and catch them unawares?” She demanded hotly, reflexively reaching a hand up to smooth back her hair. Like him or hate him, the ever-immaculately groomed Klavier Gavin was definitely a man who made a woman feel self-conscious about her appearance.  “What the heck are you doing here, anyway?”

“I was coming to drop off the hairdresser homicide file – the Tillie Dyes case – which you requested earlier today,” he responded, completely ignoring her initial angry outburst. “I apologize for not bringing it sooner but I was working late on a couple of other cases as well.”

He held out the manila folder in question, which she quickly grabbed out of his hand and turned around to place on her desk, still flustered to thank him at the moment. Even though she didn’t particularly care what he thought about her, being caught acting in such an undignified manner by a man who constantly loved getting under her skin and ribbing her was unnerving. Undoubtedly he already thought she was nothing more than a cranky-pants, science-obsessed nerd-girl, but now she had just given him damning evidence that she was an utter and total dork in every other way as well! She hated giving him further ammo!

Klavier was still staring at her, and Ema felt her cheeks reddening even further. The man simply had a way of regarding you that either made you feel like you were the most important person in the world, as he tended to do with his doting fans, or made you feel like a completely inferior specimen, all within the blink of an eye.

What was particularly rattling her at the present was that she’d been expecting to see the latter expression on his face after witnessing her solo karaoke session,  and instead saw something which she could only describe as … appreciative?!

“Well it’s a lucky thing you still caught me here since I was just leaving,” she said tightly, grabbing her bag. “I’m surprised you of all people are working this late on a weekend – I’d imagine you woulda had several hot dates lined up.”

“Business before pleasure, Fräulein Detective.” He fell in stride with her as she exited the office and headed towards the precinct doors. “Work will always come before play… And I’ve made it my motto to resist all temptation that tries to sway me otherwise.”

He cocked an eyebrow at her as she reflexively reached for her ever-present bag of Snackoos.

“Although I suppose some of us are more disciplined than others at doing so…”

Ema barely resisted the urge to pelt him right in his smirking kisser with one of her delectable snacks.

“Given the weekend bus schedules in Los Angeles, I won’t be home for almost another hour,” she replied through gritted teeth. “Ergo, these Snackoos will have to tide me over until I can make myself some dinner. Not that my alleged temptations are any of your business, Prosecutor Gavin!”

“You’re taking the bus? At this late hour?” His forehead furrowed in concern. “What happened to your car?”

“Wow, we’re both invasive and nosy tonight, aren’t we?” Without casting him an even further glance, Ema began walking towards the bus stop. “For your kind information, my car is in the shop. It’s going to cost me $1000 to get it fixed, which is quite a lot of money when you’re on a rookie Detective’s salary.  I won’t be able to get it back until next week when we’re paid again.”

“Did Chief Gumshoe not allow you the use of one of the unmarked cruisers in the meantime?”

“Of course he did. He told that numskull Meekins to leave me the keys before he left for the night… But said imbecilic moron forgot to do so! Hence why tonight, I must patiently await my personal stretch limo, which seats 70!”

“I see.”

Not bothering to check if he was still following her, the fatigued woman heaved a gusty sigh and flopped down on the metal bench inside the glass shelter, then looked up with a start as she heard the unmistakable strains of Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car,” along with a loud car horn beeping “Guilty Love” right beside the bus stop.

It was Klavier, who had given his motorcycle a break for the evening and was grinning at her from the inside of his garishly purple Mercedes convertible.

Hey (hey) you (you), get into my car
Who me?
Yes you, get into my car
Wooooooooooooooh. Wah! Yeah!

“Sweet Pulsating Spider Christ!” Ema gaped as he began singing along to the classic 80’s tune.

Who’s that lady
Coming down the road
Who’s that lady
Who’s that woman
Walking through my door
What’s the score?

I’ll be the sun
Shining on you
Hey Cinderella
Step in your shoe
I’ll be your non-stop lover
Get it while you can
Your non-stop miracle
I’m your man…

“There is no way I am letting you take the bus home at this hour,” Klavier stated firmly when she continued to gawk at him. “So just like Mr. Ocean commands in the song … Get outta my dreams …Get into my car!”

No way am I letting him drive me home! The cop petulantly crossed her arms over her chest. There is no worse feeling in the world than being indebted to someone you can’t stand, so I refuse to partake in such an agreement!

“As charmed as I am by the offer … And the music…” She shook her head. “I think I’d prefer to take my risks with the potentially strange weirdos on public transit rather than put you out.”

“I hate to pull rank when all I was intending to do was be a chivalrous gentleman,” Klavier drawled, his gleaming smile remaining intact, although his now voice showed the strains of his patience. “But when you insist on being as stubborn as a mule, you leave me with no other choice! The fact remains that I am your superior Fräulein Detective! Now, once again, I’m going to tell you – in a non-singing version this time! – to get into my car!”

Unimpressed by his bossy tone, Ema scowled in response and crossed her legs, remaining defiantly glued to the bench.

“Detective Skye that was an order, not a request!”

Surprised by the sudden sharpness of his tone, Ema dumbly obliged, uncertain of what to say next as he mutely pulled away from the corner, no longer smiling nor speaking.

“It’s after-hours, you know. Technically, I don’t have to listen to what you tell me to do!” She informed him loftily after a few uncomfortable moments of non-conversation had lapsed and she could no longer bear the silence. “I just decided that it’d just be easier than remaining at the curb and arguing with you all night!”

“Mein Gott, woman, you are maddening! Has anybody ever told you that before?” He finally turned to look at her, still not smiling, but this time a flicker of humor in his eyes. “I have had opponents in the courtroom who were less combative!”

“I don’t see what’s so maddening about not wanting to be a charity case!” Ema began fidgeting with the radio. “Or simply not wanting to be seen in this overly flashy, aubergine, presumed boudoir on wheels!”

“I truly wish I were as promiscuous as you make me out to be, Fräulein Detective!” Klavier chuckled. “You are not a fan of German automotives, ja?”

“I’ve always believed fellows who needed to drive ostentatious vehicles were always compensating for something.” Ema jutted her chin as she continued searching for a music station she liked – all of Klavier’s preset channels were set to heavy metal and hard rock. “Give me the manly man in a good, old-fashioned, pickup truck any day!”

“Compensating for something?” He echoed incredulously, stupefied by the admittedly cheeky gall of her insinuation, just as the ultimate case-in-point song by 20 Fingers came blasting out of the audio speakers.

  Don’t want no short dick man
Don’t want no short dick man

Iny weeny teeny weeny
Shriveled little short dick man

Don’t want,Don’t want,Don’t want,
Don’t want,Don’t want,Don’t want,
Don’t want,Don’t want,Don’t want,
Don’t want,Don’t want,Don’t want,
Don’t want,Don’t want,Don’t want,

What in the world is that fucking thing?
Do you need some tweezers to put that little thing away
That has got to be the smallest dick
I have ever seen in my whole life

Get the fuck outta here…

With a growl of irritation, Klavier deftly snapped off the song, once again filling the convertible with terse silence.

“If I didn’t know better, I would’ve thought you had planned that emasculating song to punctuate your point!” He clenched his jaw as Ema nearly doubled over at his outraged expression. “I cannot believe you were content to listen to such offensive drivel which was passing itself off as music!”

“It’s not my fault you took my words to be a dig at certain parts of the male anatomy!” Ema wiped the tears of laughter from her eyes. “It was completely subject to interpretation … For all you knew, I could have been talking about compensating for an inner inferiority complex!”

“Given the status of our working relationship and the fact that I attempt to be a gentleman when in the presence of a Frau, I shan’t waste my breath trying to refute your unspoken allegations of what we both know you really were implying, which was only made undoubtedly clearer by that wretched tune, despite your protests to the contrary!”

They stopped at a red light and he turned to glower in her direction.

“Given the short span of our acquaintanceship, Fräulein Detective, I must ask you once more, to please enlighten me on what I possibly could have ever done to instill such rapt contempt that you’d feel a need to toss a slur, however indirect, at my manhood?”

Although slightly embarrassed by her completely immature and below-the-belt ribbing, both literally and figuratively, her battered ego over the other man’s continued ignorance about their forgettable past meeting would not allow her to feel anything more than half apologetic about his hurt feelings.

“I suppose I took the joke a little bit too far, and I’m sorry.” She turned her head away from his probing stare. “As for what you’ve ever done with regards to my contempt charge…”

“Did I run over your goldfish?” He burst out with exasperation, slapping his hand on the steering wheel. “Or accidentally pour sugar in your gas tank? Why do you despise me so much, Fräulein Detective?”

I suppose screaming “Because you’re not Mr. Edgeworth!” Would be too unfair? Dammit, this confrontation is just too much for me after a 14-hour day! If he doesn’t remember me among his legions of other females who have trounced his path, I sure as hell am not going to be the one to remind him!

Without her realizing it, Klavier had turned down her street and was now parked in front of her loft, completely startling the Detective, who faced him now, with round eyes.

“H –How did you know where I live? I didn’t even tell you my address…”

Klavier shrugged, his annoyed expression vanishing as he took in the endearingly dumbfounded look on her face.

“What can I tell you? I’m a thorough prosecutor, ja? I make a point of knowing where all the cute girls in town reside.”

“Holy Toledo, Batman!” Ema’s thunderstruck disposition was immediately replaced by one of indignation. “You may act like you’re a man of the law but underneath it all, you’re nothing more than a … a … creepy … stalker!”

“Fräulein Detective, don’t be ridiculous!” He was taken aback by her irked countenance. “I’m your boss, so of course I would want to know where you reside, but only for security purposes in the unlikely event of any sort of emergency – ”

“Stalker!” She refused to let him finish the sentence and was already climbing out of the car in a huff, too staggered by his unexpected knowledge of her home location to even bother thanking him.

“Achtung baby! You do test my patience!” Klavier let out an agitated groan, but couldn’t resist adding one final comment as she was about to flounce into the building. “Er, just one more thing, Fräulein Detective?”

“What is it?” She snapped, reluctantly pausing mid-stride and facing him once more. “Make it quick, I have a hot date with my two cats and a TV dinner!”

“While I am uncertain if your specific wish list for a perfect man is as extensive and demanding as Fräulein Twain’s…” He flashed her a shit-eating grin and a flirtatious wink. “I felt inclined to let you know that despite the tousled mane and flushed cheeks which were the result of the vigor from your delightful singing performance, you aren’t having anything near a bad hair day!”

“W – What?” Ema stammered, her jaw-dropping open, unsure if she’d heard him correctly, or if she had mistaken the slight twinge, however minuscule, of actual sincerity in the compliment this time.

“Auf Wiedersehen!” With those parting words, Klavier Gavin peeled away from the curb, leaving a confused and perturbed Ema Skye silently staring after him.

Shania Twain – Any Man Of Mine
Billy Ocean – Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car
20 Fingers – Short Dick Man