48 Surgeon!
“Surgeon!”
Sung to the tune of “Dentist!” from
the smash musical, Little Shop of Horrors
[In an operating room in the Grey Surgical Clinic, an olive-skinned woman with her raven hair styled in a large bun, wearing a rather revealing navy blouse and a matching skirt that shows off a generous amount of leg, is laying on a surgical table with her arms and legs restrained by several leather straps.]
[“You don’t know how much I appreciate you guys being able to squeeze me in on short notice!” The woman sighs in relief, looking over at the nurse, Mimi Miney, who’s filling out some paperwork on a clipboard. “I noticed just this morning that I had a wrinkle on my face and was freaking out because I have to be on set in a few hours to give this week’s forecast; but I can’t go on camera looking like some old, worn leather glove.”]
[“Don’t mention it, Ms. Daye. Dr. Grey always goes on and on about how he’d love to have the honor of treating local weather legend, Renee Daye, in his clinic. So the second he heard that you needed to schedule an appointment, he cleared his entire morning so he could focus all of his attention on giving you the treatment that you deserve,” Mimi warmly responds with a grin, hiding the slightest touch of contempt in her voice.]
[“Aw, he didn’t go and do that…” Renee sighs in an obviously fake guilty tone. “I just need a little Botox and I’ll be as good as new!”]
[“Well, why don’t you tell him that, because here he comes now?” Mimi states as she hears the loud, stomping footsteps of her boss.]
[Suddenly, Turner Grey bursts into the room with a crazed look in his eyes and a maniacal, toothy smile on his face before closing the door behind him and proceeding to sing.]
{Grey}
When I was a kid, I was often feared,
‘Cause my hobbies were seen as gross and weird,
Like cutting open the family cat,
Dissecting the brain of many a rat,
And stitching together corpses that were bug-infested.
But that’s when my mother suggested…
[“W-What did she suggest?” Renee nervously asks with terror-filled eyes.]
{Grey}
She suggested, “My son, I really feel,
You can get paid a lot for your undying zeal.”
You’ll be a surgeon!
(Be a surgeon!)
You have an unrivaled passion for anatomy!
(Anatomy!)
Son, be a surgeon,
(Be a surgeon!)
People will praise you so happily!
You’re too hotheaded for psychology,
And chiropracty is a farce not worth your time.
Son, be a surgeon,
You’ll be truly sublime.
{Mimi}
Here he is, lady, my psychopath boss,
Works me all day without a break, that asshole director.
He may be renowned, but you should stay clear of him,
For who wants to be operated on by Hannibal Lecter?
[“Wait! Why is that nurse holding a buzz saw?!” Renee shrieks upon seeing the power tool that Mimi has just taken out of a cabinet filled with similar devices, wriggling on the table in a fruitless attempt to free herself from her restraints.]
[“Because she’s too stupid to give it to me! Nurse! Saw! Now!” Turner yells, impatiently flexing his fingers.]
[“I don’t get paid enough for this.” Mimi exasperatedly grumbles under her breath as she hands the mad doctor his surgical tool.]
[“Good. Now get ready, Daye, because here I come!” Turner exclaims with a toothy grin and a deranged look in his eye as he turns on the buzz saw, slowly approaching his victim with a sinister laugh.]
{Grey}
I am your surgeon,
(A deranged one.)
And my livelihood will keep you nice and mute!
(Hates you.)
I am your surgeon,
(Who’s a nutcase.)
And I’ll avenge my nice $1,500 suit!
(He values it more than his staff.)
I’m giddy when a patient’s on my table!
(Table.)
I don’t care if people think I’m mentally unstable!
(It’s true.)
And although my patients may be traumatized to a degree,
(Degree.)
Somewhere, somewhere in Heaven,
While she’s complaining to God, my mother’s smiling down on me!
[“Right, Mother?” Turner asks, turning to a picture hanging on the wall of a woman with long brown hair with a raised fist who greatly resembles him before grabbing an anesthetic mask, putting it on Renee’s face, and turning on the gas.]
{Grey}
‘Cause I’m a surgeon and everyone likes me!
[“Now sleep!” Turner angrily commands.]
[“No!” Renee screams, violently shaking her head.]
[“I said sleep!”]
[“No…!” The weather girl repeats, this time weaker and with much less motion.]
[“I said SLEEP!” The mad doctor roars while holding up his clenched hand like some deranged claw.]
[“No….” Renee weakly mumbles, her eyes growing heavier and heavier until she’s finally unconscious.]
[“Now let’s begin the operation!” Turner proclaims with sadistic giddy and a grin to match.]
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