78 As We Want

Notes

CT: This massive labor of love was brought to you by JusticeforNoOne. I know that this one is a bit on the long side, but I just couldn’t resist writing a parody dedicated to Kristoph x Dahlia, one of the most beautifully evil crack ships ever conceived, after all the Klema and Miego parodies that have been featured here. However, in order to make that ship work with the parody, I had to utilize a few OCs in the form of Kristoph’s parents and Dahlia’s father, and all three of them had to be properly introduced as characters in order for this parody to be fully enjoyable. Though for those of you who have read my works, particularly “The von Karma Family Beach Trip” and “Debeste of Friends”, you’re already familiar with the character that I created to be Kristoph’s mother and probably have a good idea of what her views on the situation are and what she wants out of it.

JP: With parents like these as role models, did Dolly and Prissy have any hope in hell of being normal?! My own headcanon entailing Demoness Hawthorne’s Daddykins having the first name Nathaniel notwithstanding, I am on board with Bitchtoff’s mumsy portrayal. Much like his uproarious take of Inga getting unceremoniously plum punished on his birthday courtesy of Ga’ran, the character of Bitchtoff’s smother – er, mother! – Kharmen Gavin is such a hoot that I’ve accepted her into my personal headcanon as being canon! I hope you guys enjoy this entry of hellacious mommies and daddies as our daddy/parental issues theme continues! 😝


As We Want”
Sung to the tune of
“According to Plan” from
The Corpse Bride


Being 20 can be quite the challenging time in life- a time for establishing your identity while also dealing with the hurdle of deciding what career path you’ll venture down. Though for Kristoph Gavin, his difficulties are in a whole different ball park. For not only have his professors been slamming him with assignments left and right- as well as his social life being less than stellar, to say the least- but right now, he’s sitting in the back of his father’s Buick, grumbling to himself as he’s being driven up into the mountains to some village in the middle of nowhere so that his parents can force him to marry some girl against his free will.

But while Kristoph is staring forward and glowering at the road ahead, his parents seated at the front of the vehicle look absolutely elated- particularly his mother who’s smiling like the Cheshire Cat on Prozac. When people see Kharmen and Kristoph together, they can easily see the family resemblance given that they are around the same height, have similar builds, have long blond hair, and are nearsighted. However, contrary to her son, Kharmen is shorter, with a slenderer frame, a slightly rounder face, round pink-rimmed glasses, and her wavy blonde locks flow down her shoulders, contrasting to her son’s orderly, drill-shaped style. And in terms of fashion, while Mama Gavin may usually favour more casual options- a blouse, blue jeans, etc.- on this important day, she’s looking much more formal in her mint-green evening gown and matching pumps.

And seated next to Kristoph’s mother in the driver’s seat is his father, who may not look as happy as his wife, but has a smirk of excitement and pride on his face. As for Mr. Gavin’s appearance, to make a long story short, he’s a more masculine version of Kristoph- taller, more muscular, a squarer jaw, and his blond hair shaved down to a buzz cut. Though he does share some traits with his son, specifically preference for the same kind of glasses and favouring to wear dress clothes no matter the occasion. However, unlike Kristoph who prefers a more aristocratic look, Mr. Gavin prefers a much simpler and more practical blue dress shirt and brown khakis.


“So Khrissy, are you excited for today?” Mama Gavin squeals.

“Yes, Mother, and perhaps later, you can break my kneecaps with a hammer,”  Kristoph replies in a tone oozing with sarcasm.

“Don’t you talk to your mother with that tone, boy!” Mr. Gavin coldly snaps“You should be elated about today.”

“Yes, Father, because every young man dreams of getting married to some girl he’s never met without a moment’s notice,”  Kristoph wryly retorts with a roll of his eyes.

“Do you know how many men would kill to be in your shoes right now? You’re going to be marrying into the Fey family and will be rubbing elbows with political giants like Abe Atishon.”

“So that’s why you’ve arranged this marriage? So, you can further your harebrained plan to become governor?”  Kristoph growls, his left eye starting to twitch.

“It’s not a harebrained scheme, Kristoph,”  Mr. Gavin coolly states with the tiniest hint of rage in his voice.

“If it’s not, then why have you’ve lost election after election for the past five years?”  The younger Gavin male counters with a warm grin.

“The guys at the country club say that my plans and ideas have potential. I just need more political connections to spread my message to more people.”

“Oh please! The guys at your ragtag little country club would say that an inebriated circus chimp throwing its own feces has potential if it paid five grand a month to be a part of an establishment with rude service, atrocious food, and a valet that reeks of cheap cologne who steals all of the loose change in your glovebox,”  Kristoph retorts with pure venom in his voice.

“You leave the country club out of this!”  Mr. Gavin roars at the top of his lungs, pounding his right fist as hard as he can on the steering wheel, causing the horn to blare.

“Koen, Koen! Please calm down! Remember what the doctor said about your blood pressure!”  Momma Gavin pleads as she strokes her husband’s arm.

“I am calm, Kharmen.”  Koen snarls through clenched teeth . “But I’m not going to stand around while our son blatantly disrespects me and Willow Oaks despite everything I’m doing for him. Why, if I can become governor thanks to the Fey’s influence, I’ll be able to make more money than ever before and can pass on the Gavin Law Offices to Kristoph, thus securing his future.”

“We know, Koen, we know…”  Kharmen soothingly states.  “But you have to understand that this is a stressful time for Kristoph. He’s worried that he won’t be able to make me grandbabies.”

“You couldn’t be more wrong, Mother.”  Kristoph sighs in contempt as he pushes up his glasses.

“Don’t be so coy, Khrissy!”  Kharmen giggles with a dismissive wave of her hand.  “Tell you what, if it’ll make you feel better, your father and I’ll sing you a musical number just like Shirley Temple would in one of those movies you love. Right, Koen?”

“If it means today will go by more smoothly… ” Koen sighs with resignation.


{Kharmen}

It’s the greatest day!


{Koen}

Yes, a very good day.


{Kharmen}

The day of my baby’s wedding!


{Koen}

It’s the rehearsal, Kharmen,

Don’t go crazy again.


{Kharmen}

The rehearsal for my baby’s wedding!


{Koen}

As long as nothing goes wrong to ruin the day.


{Kharmen}

And if something does, I’ll make them all pay!


{Kharmen and Koen}

That’s why we hope,

Every fibre filled with hope,

Truly hoping that every single little thing that happens goooes…


{Kharmen}

As we want.


{Koen}

My son won’t disappoint,


{Kharmen}

As we want.


{Koen}

And this marriage I can exploit,


{Kharmen and Koen}

Gaining a foothold in politics,


{Kharmen}

Outlawing brats that tease,


{Koen}

Exempt from parking fees,


{Kharmen}

Hurting people who fill me with anger,


{Koen}

Which you can do once I’m governor.


{Kharmen and Koen}

We’ll be grand, in a new chapter,

Shaking hands with all who matter.

We’ll rise with pride,

And we’ll never, ever stagger.


Meanwhile in Fey Manor, Morgan is standing by a window, staring out towards the road leading into town with a forlorn look on her face, quietly sipping tea from her cup, as her ex-husband – a man who towers over her in height, possessing smooth, porcelain-like skin, soft long, curly brown hair, and blue eyes with an angelic look to them- approaches her with a walk that exudes refinement and dignity, two aspects of his personality that are extenuated by the white suit that he’s wearing.


“In case you actually wish to be involved in some aspect of your daughter’s life, Dahlia is currently being fitted for her wedding attire by several of the young acolytes under your guidance,”  Mr. Hawthorne replies in a passive-aggressive manner with a warm smile on his face.

“Thank you, Oleander…”  Morgan sullenly sighs, not even bothering to look at her ex-husband.

“Is something wrong, Morgan?”


{Morgan}

It’s the worst day!


{Oleander}

And you wonder why I didn’t stay…


{Morgan}

The day of my daughter’s wedding!


{Oleander}

Quite the pitiable state you live in, Morgan.


{Morgan}

That’s led to my daughter’s wedding!


{Oleander}

All my hard work’s shattered into pieces…


{Morgan and Oleander}

Our daughter’s marrying into a family of leeches.


{Morgan}

They lack grace.


{Oleander}

They’re terse.


{Morgan}

Things couldn’t be worse!


{Oleander}

You think that? You couldn’t be more wrong, Madame Fey.

A scandal could cause their family’s reputation to wither away,

Existing as a hollow shell of its former self without any future,

Just like the Fey family today.


{Morgan}

Why me…?


{Morgan and Oleander}

That’s why we hope,

Every fibre filled with hope,

Truly hoping that every single little thing that happens goooes…


{Morgan}

As we want.


{Oleander}

My daughter won’t disappoint,


{Morgan}

As we want.


{Oleander}

Good from my viewpoint,


{Morgan and Oleander}

As we achieve the repute of bygone years,


{Morgan}

When the Fey family,


{Oleander}

Was envied by our peers.


{Morgan and Oleander}

And whoever on Earth could have thought,

That Dahlia’s face of an angel,


{Oleander}

And soul of a devil,


{Morgan and Oleander}

Would help us ascend to our proper level?


“So Kristoph, are you more receptive to the idea of marriage?”  Koen calmly asks.

“But what if I don’t like this girl?”  The younger Gavin male replies, prompting his father to burst into laughter.

“As if something like that has to do with marriage?”  Koen scoffs, earning a death glare from his wife.

But you had two children with Mother. You have to like her at least a little, right?” Kristoph reasons.

“Of course not!” Koen proclaims while Kharmen yells, “Of course!”

“You see, son, being married is like a lawyer and his client- sometimes you get a say, but in the end, they’re the ones making all of the decisions. I would have thought that seeing my marriage…” Mr. Gavin states before transitioning back into song.


{Koen}

Would have given you a vision.

Would have given you a vision.


{Kharmen}

Do not fail my hopes!


{Koen}

Do not fail our hopes!


{Kharmen}

Do not fail my hopes!


{Kharmen and Koen}

Do not fail our hopes, hopes,


At that moment, the Gavin family arrives at Fey Manor, prompting them to exit the vehicle and walk over to the front entrance while Kharmen tries to straighten her son’s suit coat. Meanwhile, Dahlia, who is wearing a white kimono, is escorted into the main parlor to be with her parents.


{Kharmen, Koen, Morgan, and Oleander}

That’s why we hope,

Every fibre filled with hope,

Truly hoping that every single little thing that happens goooes…

As we waaaaaant!

License

Singing in the Courtroom Copyright © by JordanPhoenix and CzarThwomp. All Rights Reserved.

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