88 D.A. Jam – Thanksgiving Bonus Special!
” D.A. Jam”
Sung to the tune of the
“D.K. Rap” from the
Donkey Kong 64 game
As Chief Prosecutor, Edgeworth typically spends his days not in the courtroom engaged in a battle of wits against a worthy adversary as they try to uncover the truth behind a case, but rather alone in his office filling out paperwork and assigning the right prosecutor to each case that arises. Sure, the job is a bit on the tedious side, but if it means that Los Angeles is less corrupt, then it’s a burden that Edgeworth is more than happy to carry.
However, on this particular day, things are anything but as the maroon-cladded prosecutor sits behind his desk, discussing matters with Franziska, Sebastian, Klavier, Simon, and Winston that could shape the very future of the Prosecutor’s Office.
“Prosecutor Blackquill, for the umpteenth time, we’re not doing a ‘Danganronpa’ parody.” Edgeworth sighs with exasperation, placing his hand over his eyes in order to control his irritation.
“Have you even heard of the ‘Danganronpa’ franchise, Edgeworth-dono? Because if you did, then you wouldn’t be making such ridiculous decisions. After all, with its colorful cast of fleshed-out characters, amazing storylines, and a phenomenal sense of atmosphere, a parody starring us would fulfil all of our goals and more.” Simon confidently states with a finger to his forehead.
Trust me, Prosecutor Blackquill, I’ve experienced enough of the ‘Danganronpa’ series to last me a lifetime thanks to Trucy constantly bugging me to help her sue Spike Chunsoft for over a month due to their Ultimate Magician character from their “Killing Harmony” game being an ‘unlawful use of her image’ and ‘defaming her character’… even though the game explicitly puts out a disclaimer to cover this very topic before the title screen even appears.”
“Are you sure, Edgeworth-dono? Because I’ve already written the script with “the best” victim in mind.” Simon sneers as he glances over at Sebastian, who responds to the remark by simply smiling and waving at his dark humor-loving co-worker.
“While I appreciate your efforts, Prosecutor Blackquill, I don’t want to remind Trucy of that topic- especially considering that we’re filming at Take-2 TV. I know that they’re trying to make amends for what Retinz did by allow us to perform a short bit to promote the Prosecutor’s Office free of charge on prime time, but considering that they did try to ruin her career and send her to prison, if we do your idea, Trucy could see it as the studio trying to slander her again.. Edgeworth responds with crossed arms as he taps his biceps.”
“In that case, how about we perform a rock song about always fighting for the truth? That’ll get the younger generation interested in our cause- especially the fräulines.” Klavier smirks as he starts snapping his fingers. “Of course, I’ll be rocking out on my guitar and singing the lyrics. As for the rest of you guys, Herr Edgeworth can own the bass guitar since he’s a cool cat, Fräuline Whippet’s temper makes her perfect for drums, Herr Weeaboo probably has an affinity for the keyboard, and if memory serves me right, I believe that Herr Weinerlich plays the triangle. So with all that going for us, I think we can have a pretty good blend of sound. Oh, and before you ask, I know that most of you aren’t as musically gifted as me, so I made sure to keep your parts simple.”
“Klavier Gavin, it’s one thing when you foolishly make yourself look like a foolish fool when you foolishly treat your trials as if they’re your foolishly foolish concerts of foolishness, but I will not stand idly by while you foolishly try to drag the rest of us down into your foolish quagmire of foolishness!” Franziska snarls, tugging at her whip before lashing the former rock star with it.
“Yeah!” Sebastian chimes in as he bends his baton. “If you want me to play my triangle with you so badly, then maybe you should have thought about that before laughing and throwing fruit at me when I auditioned for your band back when we went to Themis!”
“Alright, Fräuline Whippet, if you think that my idea’s so terrible, then why don’t you tell us yours?” Klavier retorts with a disgruntled look.
“Well, if you must know, Klavier Gavin, I intend to inspire the youths of today in the form of me and Miles Edgeworth talking about the history of our great family, starting with Ottokar, Lord of Karma, nearly a millennia ago and slowly progressing towards the modern-day with me and Miles Edgeworth,” Franziska smirks with a waggle of her finger. “Sure, Miles Edgeworth isn’t a von Karma by blood, but he teaches the important lesson that even those who descend from foolishly foolish defense attorneys can become slightly less foolish than everyone else if they embrace the ways of the von Karma family.”
“I feel so honored.” Edgeworth sarcastically responds with a roll of his eyes.
“So you plan to inspire the youths of today by discussing how your father killed a man, adopted and trained his son to be everything that he stood against, and then tried to said son for murder and patricide 15 years later- all because he received a penalty for something that he was to blame for?” Klavier snidely retorts. “What next, are you going to interview my brother on the best ways to ruin your enemies’ lives and careers?”
“You have no right to talk about Papa like that, you foolishly foolish fool!” Franziska snarls as she whips the former rock star. “And FYI, I plan on omitting Papa from the documentary. After all, just because one apple’s arguably rotten doesn’t mean that you can’t make a pie with the rest of the orchard.”
“Funny you should mention filming a documentary, Franziska because that’s similar to my idea.” Edgeworth confidently states with outstretched arms. “However, instead of focusing on your bloodline, I feel that it would be fairer and more informative if we all had a group discussion regarding the day-to-day operations of the Prosecutor’s Office with none other than the Steel Samurai himself, Will Powers, hosting.
“Who’s the Steel Samurai?” Winston asks with a confused look on his face.
“Please leave my office. Now.” Edgeworth requests in a low growl, trying his best to remain calm and hold back the anger he’s feeling. After all, how could anyone in his Prosecutor’s Office- even the janitor- not even be aware of the legendary hero?”
“B-But I haven’t even told you my-” Winston weakly retorts, his posture hunched over as a few beads of cold sweat drip down his brow. However, the screechy prosecutor immediately cuts himself off when his superior flashes him one of his infamous death glares. “Actually, I think now would be a good time to take my leave.”
“You do that.” Edgeworth coldly responds with crossed arms, continuing to glare at Winston until he exits the office, making sure to close the door quietly behind him.
“You know, none of this would be happening if we went with my idea.” Sebastian chimes in.
“You mean your terrible remix of that already criminally awful ‘D.K. Rap’?” Simon curtly asks, turning his back to the group. “I would rather play shamisen as part of Prosecutor Dandy’s suggestion.”
“I said that you would play the keyboard, Herr Weeaboo.” Klavier points out.”
“I know what I said.” Simon retorts.
“But Mr. Blackquill, my remix isn’t terrestrial- er, I mean terrible!” Sebastian wails, trying his hardest to hold back his tears. “Why, when I showed the song that Kay and I recorded to Justine, she said that it was something and that I should be proud because I tried my best.” The naïve prosecutor boasts, his face quickly changing into a smirk.
“And just when I thought that you couldn’t get any dumber…” The Twisted Samurai groans with a shake of his head.
“Ok, from the look of things, it appears that we have reached an impasse. Therefore, if we ever wish to come to a conclusion anytime soon, we’ll have to settle this matter the old-fashion way.” Edgeworth states before taking some sticky notes and a pen out of his desk drawer, followed by turning to the shelf behind him and moving the Steel Samurai there to his desk. “We will each write an idea down on a sticky note and then place them in the Steel Samurai helmet that Wright gave me this last Christmas. Then, after everyone’s submitted an idea, I will draw one at random and that will be the one we’ll go with. Is everyone fine with that?” The Chief Prosecutor asks as he writes down his idea and put it in the helmet.
“Ok, Mr. Edgeworth!” Sebastian chirps as he writes down and submits his idea.
“I’m nothing if not a team player, Herr Edgeworth.” Klavier coolly responds before doing the same.
“If I must…” Simon sighs before placing his idea in with the rest.
“And here I thought that you were less foolish than the others, Little Brother…” Franziska states with a tone of disappointment as she, too, submits her idea.”
As soon as Edgeworth sees that the last idea has been placed into the helmet, he closes his eyes and reaches his hand inside, rustling around the contents in order to ensure that the decision is entirely fair.
“And the winner is…” The Chief Prosecutor pulls out a random note and opens his eyes, only for them to become saucer-sized and his complexion to go pale upon seeing what’s written on it.
Of course, Franziska, being the woman that she is, can’t handle the suspense and walks behind her ‘little’ brother to see what idea they’ll be doing, only for her to glare daggers at him upon reading it.
“I hate you, Miles Edgeworth…” Franziska growls before whipping her adopted brother.
The next day, the five prosecutors are standing on a wooden stage in Take-2 TV with a camera pointed right at them, their forms obscured by the dim lighting of the set that resembles one of the city’s courtrooms as a rap song recorded sung by Sebastian starts playing on the large speakers behind them.
{Sebastian}
Ob-Ob-Objection!
They’ve come to the courtroom,
To protect you all,
So to give them your thanks,
Don’t ignore their call!
Raise your pointer fingers,
To be cool as clams,
As we rock out with this lawyer jam!
Yeah!
D.A.!
The District Attorney!
[A spotlight shines on Edgeworth who tries his best to look refined and dignified, even though it’s obvious to anyone watching that he doesn’t want to be there.]
{Sesaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabastian}
He’s the Demon Prosecutor,
He’ll cut your pay,
He’s here to ruin every villain’s day!
His logic chess can detect all lies,
And when he does,
You’re gonna cry!
He has class, fangirls, and looks real cool,
He’s the first member of the D.A. Crew!
Yeah!
D.A.!
The District Attorney!
D.A.!
The District Attorney’s here!
[The spotlight shifts over to Franziska who, unlike her adopted brother, doesn’t even attempt to hide her disdain as she pulls at her whip and snarls through clenched teeth.]
{Sebastian}
This girl loves to fight,
So felons beware,
When that whip of hers,
Lashes and tears!
She’ll win with her mad skills and expertise,
And force her friends and foes down on their knees!
If you cross her,
You’ll get a kick,
With her scowl and her whip,
She’s one scary chick!
Yeah!
D.A.!
The District Attorney!
[Contrary to the unadulterated rage Franziska expressed during her portion of the song, Simon merely glowers at the camera, taking several deep breaths in order to keep himself at least somewhat calm.]
{Sebastian}
He looks real mean,
And loves anime,
It gives him strength for the entire day!
So he likes “Cory in the House”,
And dank art of Shrek,
In a blouse,
Dancing with Barry from “Bee Movie”!
This o-taco thinks this is groovy!
Yeah!
“Why, you little git…!” Simon snarls as he flashes Sebastian a death glare. “Come here!” The Twisted Samurai yells as he attempts to charge at his naïve co-worker, prompting the weepy prosecutor to reel back and start sobbing.
Though fortunately for Sebastian, before Simon can reach him, Edgeworth effectively restrains the former inmate by wrapping his arms firmly around his torso.
“Prosecutor Blackquill, get a hold of yourself!” Edgeworth scolds in a firm whisper. “I understand that this isn’t an ideal situation for either of us, but I will not allow you to cause a scene on national television and risk another dark age of the law!”
“But, Edgeworth-dono-” Simon angrily whispers as he struggles in vain to free himself from his superior’s grip.
“No buts, Prosecutor Blackquill. You are going to stand here for the duration of this performance with some semblance of dignity or so help me, I will cut your pay to the point where Gumshoe will look like Scrooge McDuck by comparison. Do I make myself clear?”
“Yes, Edgeworth-dono…” Simon reluctantly sighs, prompting his superior to release his hold on the Twisted Samurai, who then proceeds to morosely stand in his designated spot with a hint of resentment in his eyes as the song continues.
{Sebastian}
D.A.!
The District Attorney!
D.A.!
The District Attorney’s here!
[Given Klavier’s experience as a world-famous rock star, it’s no surprise that he takes to the spotlight shining on him like a fish does to water, flipping some loose hair out of his eyes before flashing his signature confident grin at the camera.]
{Sebastian}
This rock star has returned to the stage,
To dispel all of the Dark Law Age!
He’ll rock your world with his guitar in-hand,
With his love of truth,
He’s never bland!
He makes fangirls squeal with his rocking tunes,
But for bad guys, he sends ’em running like loons!
Yeah!
D.A.!
The District Attorney!
Yeah!
[The spotlight then shines on Sebastian, who tries to look as impressive as he possibly can by puffing out his chest and putting his hands firmly on his hips.]
{Sebastian}
Finally,
He’s here for you,
He’s the last member of the D.A. Crew!
He tries so hard,
It’ll warm your heart,
When he rips the bad guys’ cases apart,
Or when he overcomes his inner demons,
So he can stop fiends from scheming!
They say he’s weak,
They say he’s dumb,
But this guy’s one heck of a chum!
“C’mon Kay, let’s really go all-out on this last part and throw in some “Cory in the House for Mr. Blackquill!” The song proclaims, prompting Simon to whistle for Taka, prompting the hawk to dive-bomb Sebastian and start clawing at the naïve prosecutor’s face.
“Aaaah! It’s Jailrush the Pigeon all over again!” Sebastian wails as he tries to repel Taka with a few pathetic swings of his baton, which only make the hawk even angrier and more aggressive in his attack. “Someone, help me!”
[As Edgeworth and Klavier struggle to get Taka away from Sebastian, Simon and Franziska watch the scene with looks of amusement, high-fiving each other as the final part of the song plays.]
{Sebastian and Kay}
Logic, guitars, truth as a spouse,
Whips, batons, “Cory in the House”!
Oh, yeah!
Logic, guitars, truth as a spouse,
Whips, batons, “Cory in the House”!
Gobbler Bonus #1!
Here’s CT’s crack-fic, as promised from the last chapter!
Two Funny Uncles Drinking to the Beat
A Short Story
by CzarThwomp
Kristoph Gavin looked at the bendy book in his hands and felt shocked.
He walked over to the window and reflected on his idyllic surroundings. He had always hated creepy Sidney with its unpleasant, uninterested umbrellas. It was a place that encouraged his tendency to feel shocked.
Then he saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the figure of Phoenix Wright. Phoenix was a lovable rover with blonde thighs and ample eyes.
Kristoph gulped. He glanced at his own reflection. He was a sinister, bold, tea drinker with pretty thighs and greasy eyes. His friends saw him as a better, brave banker. Once, he had even made a cup of tea for a wet injured bird.
But not even a sinister person who had once made a cup of tea for a wet injured bird, was prepared for what Phoenix had in-store today.
The wind blew like cooking pigeons, making Kristoph sparkly.
As Kristoph stepped outside and Phoenix came closer, he could see the screeching smile on his face.
“I am here because I want a pencil,” Phoenix bellowed, in an incredible tone. He slammed his fist against Kristoph’s chest, with the force of 9509 bears. “I frigging hate you, Kristoph Gavin.”
Kristoph looked back, even more sparkly, and still fingering the bendy book. “Phoenix, beam me up Scotty,” he replied.
They looked at each other with healthy feelings, like two mighty, miniature maggots bouncing at a very energetic disco, which had flute music playing in the background and two funny uncles drinking to the beat.
Suddenly, Phoenix lunged forward and tried to punch Kristoph in the face. Quickly, Kristoph grabbed the bendy book and brought it down on Phoenix’s skull.
Phoenix’s blonde thighs trembled and his ample eyes wobbled. He looked ecstatic; his body raw like a red, real ruler.
Then he let out an agonizing groan and collapsed onto the ground. Moments later Phoenix Wright was dead.
Kristoph Gavin went back inside and made himself a nice cup of tea.
THE END
JP: Amazingly enough, CT is still one of my favorite people, even though he kills off my otherwise husbando repeatedly in his works, and in this case, perhaps inadvertently made Prissy Krissy even more putrid/lame by making him sparkle ala those steaming moose dung buckets disguised as books aka the Twilight vampires! 😜
Thanksgiving Bonus (aptly known as) NUMBER 2! … I’ve decided to continue rapping… Wendy Oldbag paying homage to her Edgey-Poo, as inspired by my girl /Dalhstoph co-writer, Lyn, aka StupidGenious!
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