93 2-Year Anniversary JP & CT Double Special
JP: Happy 2-Year Anniversary to Singing In The Courtroom! Thanks to all you amazing readers for all your love and support and making the years literally fly by! You’re Debeste!❤
Poor Doug Swallows recently returned from his trip to the University Campus Free Clinic only to discover that as a result of his doomed shagging with the minge of a certain Satanic Succubus, he’s now got fiery tallywacker syndrome! Ergo, he feels it privy to meet up with a certain Weenie in a pink sweater to give him a warning that his perfect Dollie not only poops, but she is literally… la grande merde!
I guess this is further proof Nick is unbreakable… my headcanon about his brief one-time dipping of his Penix Wright into her Devil’s Ditch in the woods behind Ivy University the one time they met (to seal the necklace deal) still managed to leave him unscathed, despite, to quote my hysterical partner CT, Dollie’s no-no canyon being dirtier than Larry’s mind in Gumshoe’s apartment!😆
P.S. I used the lyrics song version – about 4:15 minutes long. bit. l y/ 2TGh4hJ
P. P.S. This is dedicated as a birthday gift to a Pisces baby who had a recent birthday, my friend and Dahlstoph collab writer, StupidGenious Happy Birthday, Lyn! 😊
“The Girl Is A Tart
Sung to the tune of
“True To Your Heart”
by 98 Degrees & Stevie Wonder
from Disney’s Mulan
Soundtrack
“What do you want, Doug?” Feenie asked warily, barely stifling a sniffle as he popped another Coldkiller X into his mouth. “I can’t imagine what was so urgent that you’d want to meet with me on campus today, considering I don’t know you from Adam…”
The redhaired boy eyed the spiky-haired gamin solemnly.
“You’re dating a thief, you know.”
“You mean because she’s stolen my heart?” The art student asked dreamily, not noticing the other boy’s eyes rolling so hard, Doug could have probably seen down his back. “Then I guess she’s guilty as charged!”
“Noooo, you daft twit!” The pharmacology major facepalmed. “I mean literally, a thief! Eight months ago, the poison was stolen from the pharmacology labs, and the previous day, the same event occurred again! I’m positive Dahlia is the culprit. That girl is bad news. She’s been lying low since we split, but I heard through the grapevine that you had been dating her the last eight months, and so I reckoned you had a right to know that your girl is nowhere near as innocent as she seems.”
“Of all the nerve!” Feenie snapped indignantly. “Where do you get off talking about my Dollie like that?!”
“I’m your girlfriend’s ex, not that I imagine she told you a thing about me,” he returned coolly. “And trust me, stealing poisonous chemicals isn’t the only wrongdoing she’s committed! Listen up, boy…”
[Doug Swallow]
Dollie she’s not all that, mate! Why just can’t you see?
Truth here is my goal boy, now listen to me!
That soul ain’t pure
It’s all black inside
Poisonous touch
She’ll take you for a ride!
Buddy don’t trust that girl she spouts fibs all the time!
Her looks are a lie, she wears white but she’s not benign
There’s a dark side there
Which you don’t know
Be real afraid
Need to dump that ho!
[Chorus]
The girl is a tart
Spreads her legs right from the start
Trust your gut not man parts!
She’s from hell not the skies above!
Open those eyes
It’s time to realize
That Dahlia is a tart
She’ll lead you to your death or STD’s!
(She gave me Herpes! Now it burns when I go pee!)
[Feenie]
Shut that foul trap, you stuck-up British wannabe!
A loving, trusting man is all you’ll find with me
Walk away now, or we will fight!
Jealous upstart! Get the hell away from my sight!
[Chorus]
The girl is a tart
Spreads her legs right from the start
Trust your gut not man parts!
She’s from hell not the skies above!
Open those eyes
It’s time to realize
That Dahlia is a tart
She’ll lead you to your death or STD’s!
[ Feenie ]
(It’s all untrue)
Don’t know her like I do
(We don’t just screw!)
We make love not roll in the hay
(It’s all untrue)
I see right through you!
(It can’t be true, my Dollie’s no tart)
[Doug Swallow]
I’m so sorry that it seems like I’ve gone too far
Tried to spare you She-Devil’s claws and future scars
But you’re too far whipped
Tossed your brains aside
You’ll be a mess
Once she’s done with her use of you
[Chorus]
The girl is a tart
Spreads her legs right from the start
Trust your gut not man parts!
She’s from hell not the skies above!
Open those eyes
It’s time to realize
That Dahlia is a tart
She’ll lead you to your death or STD’s!
The girl is a tart
Spreads her legs right from the start
Trust your gut not man parts!
She’s from hell not the skies above!
Open those eyes
It’s time to realize
That Dahlia is a tart
She’ll lead you to your death or STD’s!
[Doug Swallow]
I know this all seems crazy
For such a naïve heart
I’ve been where you are buddy
Believe me she’s a tart!
The facts are ugly but true
It’s tearing you apart
I’ve been where you are buddy
Believe me she’s a tart!
(It’s all true she’s a tart!)
(It’s all true she’s a tart!)
(It’s all true she’s a tart!)
“I’m not going to listen to another word of this vindictive slander!” Feenie shouted, nearly in tears from enduring such heinous defamation, (both in verse and now song!) about his precious Dollie. “Don’t talk about my Dollie like that!”
“I hate to be the bearer of bad news, mates, but it’s all of it true!” Doug insisted vehemently. “That girl is bad news – in every way! I’ve tested positive for Herpes and am now awaiting the results on seeing if I test positive for Hep B and C…if you don’t want your John Thomas to fall off, you’d be wise to stay away from that slag!”
“How dare you?!” The pink-sweater wearing college student bellowed. “You shut your damn mouth!”
In a crazy moment of uncharacteristic rage, the pacifist young man shoved the Anglophile as hard as he could in the chest, sending Dahlia’s ex hurtling to the ground.
There was a loud, snapping sound as the slender boy fell atop his umbrella as he landed, but the art student was too incensed to give it a second thought. Spinning on his heel, Feenie stormed off, still fuming to himself.
He never looked back once at the victim.
If only he’d turned around – even once – then perhaps things would have turned out differently.
But he didn’t.
Thence, that one brash action of fighting for the honor of the girl he loved would be something that would come back to haunt the future Ace Attorney for the rest of his days…
Notes
CT: Another year, another Pokémon parody involving a prosecutor. This year, everyone’s favorite sports-obsessed prosecutor/ smuggling ring mole who deals out deadly shots both on the basketball court and in Edgeworth’s office gets his time in the spotlight as we make our way to the Johto Region.
Though speaking of which, one of the reasons why I made Jacques the star of this parody is because he always reminds me of Johto. I don’t know why, but I can just picture Jacques walking around Goldenrod City with his Bayleef that he nicknamed “Jim” before doing what he did to the real Jim to Whitney’s Miltank.
I would like to give a big shout out to all our readers, both new and old, who have supported us over the last two years. You guys are the reason why we make these parodies and have so much fun in the process!
“Prosecutor Jacques”
Sung to the tune of the Season 3
Extended theme version
“Pokémon Anime – Pokémon Johto”
Ob-ob-ob,
Objection!
Ob-ob-ob,
Objection!
Prosecutor Jacques!
Ob-ob-ob,
Objection!
Ob-ob-ob,
Objection!
Everyone wants to be the champion,
Everyone wants to bring home the gold,
Everyone works for some kind of reason,
And knows they just can’t fold!
That’s why,
I try,
To win each case before it begins!
Each guilty,
I get,
Scores me points with my kingpin!
That’s the kind of world I live in!
Ob-ob-ob,
Objection!
That’s the way I play the game!
Ob-ob-ob,
Objection!
I’m a skilled athlete,
With a Grade-A attitude,
But I still gotta convict ’em all,
So my group can avoid all blame!
Ob-ob-ob,
Objection!
Ob-ob-ob,
Objection!
Prosecutor Jacques!
Ob-ob-ob,
Objection!
Ob-ob-ob,
Objection!
Everyone wants to score the winning point,
Everyone wants to hear the crowd’s cheers,
To beat your foe to the top of the hill,
And learn to live life without fear!
My skills,
So hot,
They’re why my group can run around free!
Take your,
Best shot,
Because you will never beat me!
That’s the kind of world I live in!
Ob-ob-ob,
Objection!
That’s the way I play the game!
Ob-ob-ob,
Objection!
I’m a skilled athlete,
With a Grade-A attitude,
But I still gotta convict ’em all,
So my group can avoid all blame!
Ob-ob-ob,
Objection!
Prosecutor Jacques!
Ob-ob-ob,
Objection!
That’s the kind of world I live in…!
(Live in, live in, live in…!)
That’s the way I play the game…!
(The game, the game, the game…!)
I’m a skilled athlete,
With a Grade-A attitude…!
(Attitude, attitude, attitude…!)
But I still gotta convict ’em all,
So my group can avoid all blame!
Ob-ob-ob,
Objection!
Prosecutor Jacques!
Ob-ob-ob,
Objection!
(Oh, yeah!)
That’s the kind of world I live in!
Ob-ob-ob,
Objection!
That’s the way I play the game!
Ob-ob-ob,
Objection!
I’m a skilled athlete,
With a Grade-A attitude,
But I still gotta convict ’em all,
So my group can avoid all blame!
Ob-ob-ob,
Objection!
Prosecutor Jacques!
Ob-ob-ob,
Objection!
(Oh, yeah!)
Ob-ob-ob,
Objection!
Prosecutor Jacques!
Ob-ob-ob,
Objection!
(C’mon, Jim!)
Ob-ob-ob,
Objection!
Prosecutor Jacques!
Ob-ob-ob,
Objection!
(Let’s shake!)
Ob-ob-ob,
Objection!
(Seal the deal!)
Ob-ob-ob,
Objection!
PROSECUTOR JACQUES!
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